He Left

Shiny, I'm so sorry that your babies had to be subjected to such foolishness. The worst part is that they've been experiencing a compromised sense of security before today anyway because of the tension between the two of you and his verbal abuse.

The best thing you can do is follow Hopeful's advice. Go into emergency mode with the children and make them your focus. Pray for strength so that you can find some sense of stillness in your spirit so that you will be able to soothe their little hearts.

Tell your mom. I know she's been on the ready in case something like this happened. We are with you sis. It's going to be okay...I know it doesn't look like it right now but.... Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. (Psalms 30:5)
 
Actually, I'm glad that he finally left so you don't have to put up with it anymore. I can't stand that he decided to traumatize your kids and disrespect you YET AGAIN. God that man is just...

This guy is SO self-absorbed. He wants so so much and is so demanding. Bad enough that he bought that stupid bike, now he wants to take from his kids?! What the h...

I just hate your situation so much. Especially since his just not worth it. Any man that decides to steal a gift phone from his own child is a really pathetic and selfish human being.

For those who think she was wrong to "provoke", which I call STANDING UP to his ungrateful a$$, check out her prior thread about her "husband." He's having another tantrum. One that makes me even more sick...
 
I don't know what I will do tomorrorw. I have school and the kids have school. maybe he will realize this and come to his senses and come back? He knows full well, there is no way for us to get around and with no money. he is gone with the only vehicle and money too. I guess this is my payback for not keeping my mouth shut? I swear when I get myself sorted out I will not live like this ever again. If I have to work 24/7 so be it. This is no way to live. I put my life in this man's hands and this is where I end up. I am sorry for being bitter but I am so bitter right now I can taste it....

thanks for your replies and kind words.
 
So much BS coming out of his mouth blaming you for the cause of his unhappiness. He needs to learn to look internal and own up to his faults. I hope you don't intake a word of what he was trying to shove in your face as some truth.

Hold strong and continue your life without him, but hold him responsible to those kids. Keep your faith in God and get support from family and friends.
 
He's had his foot out the door for a while. He was just looking for an excuse to leave so let him stay gone. I'm not even in your household and he's stressing me out.
 
I am so sorry to hear this-especially for your children. How dare he say and do those things in front of the children! IMO, you said nothing wrong. What your children need to see now is a strong mother. Their lesson will be your reaction to this situation. I will pray for your family.
 
shinyblackhair said:
I don't know what I will do tomorrorw. I have school and the kids have school. maybe he will realize this and come to his senses and come back? He knows full well, there is no way for us to get around and with no money. he is gone with the only vehicle and money too. I guess this is my payback for not keeping my mouth shut? I swear when I get myself sorted out I will not live like this ever again. If I have to work 24/7 so be it. This is no way to live. I put my life in this man's hands and this is where I end up. I am sorry for being bitter but I am so bitter right now I can taste it....

thanks for your replies and kind words.
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Ok, let's deal with that. One thing at a time. So...first off, it's not your fault for not keeping your mouth shut. What you and he were disagreeing about was not something that should cause the reaction he gave. As for tomorrow, if it's too late for you to find a ride and/or money for tomorrow, then stay home. Don't be distraught about it. It will be what you have to do. And, tomorrow you'll work on getting a plan in order for next week. If you can borrow something tonight for tomorrow, do that. If you can find rides for the kids and not yourself. Do that. If you can't, it's ok. Plan for Monday.

If you end up staying home, soothe the children and try to figure out a way to just have some calm, quality time with them and start looking at your options for resources moving forward. Is it possible to borrow against your school loan? I know at some schools, if you have a loan refund expected, they will let you borrow for a small fee (like $5) and then they take it out when your refund comes in. If this is not an option, call in your friends and family. You need them right now.

We know he will be back because he'll want more clothing or he may want to try and just pretend nothing happened. So, you have to decide eventually whether you want to find a job and stay put or find a job and leave. Either way, job-hunting's going to be on the list. See what you can do about your class schedule, you may have to cut down to part-time.

Also, as discussed in the other thread, finding an attorney and filing for a child support order is going to have to happen soon. In fact, you may be able to file for a child support order without an attorney (not sure about Canada). Check on it.

Child support can be ordered where there is a separation (proactive to when he left).

We'll figure this out!
 
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I am angry and hurt for you. I understand that sometimes marriages hit rough spots or simply fall apart, but... It's not what you do, it's how you do it. I honestly feel that he will come back but wish that you were in a position to not allow him to. Does your mom live close enough to you and your childrens school? I know people say that a wife and children should never leave the home but if you can't afford to pay the bills, I don't see how you can stay. Maybe giving him what it seems he is seeking(freedom) will allow you the opportunity to cleanse him and his destructive behavior from your being. I pray that your silver lining will appear soon; wishing you and your family the best.
 
~Charlotte*York~ said:
Ok, let's deal with that. One thing at a time. So...first off, it's not your fault for not keeping your mouth shut. What you and he were disagreeing about was not something that should cause the reaction he gave. As for tomorrow, if it's too late for you to find a ride and/or money for tomorrow, then stay home. Don't be distraught about it. It will be what you have to do. And, tomorrow you'll work on getting a plan in order for next week. If you can borrow something tonight for tomorrow, do that. If you can find rides for the kids and not yourself. Do that. If you can't, it's ok. Plan for Monday.

If you end up staying home, soothe the children and try to figure out a way to just have some calm, quality time with them and start looking at your options for resources moving forward. Is it possible to borrow against your school loan? I know at some schools, if you have a loan refund expected, they will let you borrow for a small fee (like $5) and then they take it out when your refund comes in. If this is not an option, call in your friends and family. You need them right now.

We know he will be back because he'll want more clothing or he may want to try and just pretend nothing happened. So, you have to decide eventually whether you want to find a job and stay put or find a job and leave. Either way, job-hunting's going to be on the list. See what you can do about your class schedule, you may have to cut down to part-time.

Also, as discussed in the other thread, finding an attorney and filing for a child support order is going to have to happen soon. In fact, you may be able to file for a child support order without an attorney (not sure about Canada). Check on it.

Child support can be ordered where there is a separation (proactive to when he left).

We'll figure this out!
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CY thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I am definitely going to take this weekend to think about what I have to do. I can't live in this conflict-heavy home. He is tired of me and wants out. I am tired of the conflict and really any shred of loving feelings or committment that I may have towards him is gone. I am so sorry things turn out this way and that we have dragged 4 kids through this. I know that I can stop this right here and now. I can choose to not live this way. I have to sort this out. I am trying to be strong. I have not cried, but I feel sad. I am angry that he couldn't have pulled himself together and restrained his anger and contempt for me in front of the children. I am tired and have a test tomorrow which I've barely studied for. I'm going to have to make a decision about school, because I can't assume that my husband will continue to even support the children, let alone me. What a mess!
 
You see your signature

You Deserve to be healthy , start there and make a list of what you and your kids deserve, there are no if's ands or buts to attach to those statements, in spite of your circumstances, fears, guilt, in spite of every thing, and what anyone has to say about you, when you realize what you truly deserve and what your kids truly deserve, this will start to set all of you free-including anyone that didn't love you enough to get with the program on what you and your kids deserve. They got to go , at all costs. there is nothing more to add or take away from that , it will not be easy , don't expect it to be. You need healing , even more so after abuse. I truly believe understanding those first things, will be the first steps. You and your kids soul are not for sale. Fear? Yes it will be there and probably your worst enemy, yes there will be pain, long tearful nights and dark days, that is normal for the position you are in. But you will arrive on higher ground if you just step, and keep stepping. Don't let anyone treat you as though this is just supposed to be brushed off, there are layers of things for you to deal with as you do this. But please start with believing you can be free from emotional abuse, and that you and your children do indeed deserve to be also, and if you are a believer PRAY PRAY PRAY! God bless you and keep you and your Children. I rebuke the enemy out of your household ( I hope you did not take offense to that) if you are a believer please do the same , including facing and healing from any way that you have been your own enemy -this is growing, this is loving.
 
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shinyblackhair said:
My husband just left. Granted, I guess I provoked him, but I didn't expect it to become this huge of a deal, and I didn't expect him to leave over this. However, this is something he has wanted to do for a long time I suppose. I am not sure what to do. I am angry at how he handled himself and the trauma this has put my children under. They are crying and distraught and looking to me to reassure them.

I do not want him coming back...

I don't know what to do...not sure if I should call anyone or what...I have school tomorrow, and my kids have school tomorrow...my youngest girl has already said that she doesn't want to go to school because she doesn't want to come home and daddy's not here. she is blaming herself and saying daddy doesn't love us...ugh...I'm so heartbroken. All over a stupid comment I made. I am seriously wondering about his mental state right now too...he left yelling at me to "fend for myself"...I guess this is supposed to teach me a lesson and show me how "if it wasn't for him we'd starve in here" uuggh....

I am livid over how he chose to make a scene and scare/traumatize the kids. We have 4 children ages: 14, 9, 8 and 4.

Please offer any advice or suggestions that you can think of. I am at a loss and in shock right now...
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OP, I came in to apologize if I appeared too harsh in my earlier comment. I was just mad as heck! I treated you as if you were my sister, a family member or friend. I would tell them the same.

As I was reading your post, I became furious thinking...how can he just walk out on her and the children like that over a comment she made? Then to do it in front of the children was even worse. I'm thinking, Nawwww...that joker wanted to leave.

Men don't realize what they do to children when they do stuff like that. It will forever be embedded in their little minds, that mommy made daddy mad and he left. Believe it or not sometimes growing up blaming you. I'm saying this to say. Show your children as much love as you can. Constantly telling them how much you love and appreciate them. Never say anything bad or negative about their dad to and and around them. As someone said earlier, seek help and pray. :kiss:
 
that way i look at it, him leaving was a good thing because HE abandoned you. I would have all the locks changed and start legal proceedings. rather than being on this thread, you need to go down town n start filing legal separation papers and state abandonment. He would have to pay you alimony, child support n some mo.

u don't have the funds or necessities to go to school right now. i remember your thread. he was doin dumb shyt like shavin his pubic area, went out and bought a motorcycle, hanging out with his friends, fighting you, hitting you with the phone, etc. he's so dayum stoopit, he don't even realize he put you in a VERY GOOD POSITION. He abandoned you. I would file for a restraining order and make sure he stays away. as i said earlier, change da locks and it would be on and poppin.

so, i've got a few questions. what have you done since your last thread?
 
Stevie Wonder could have seen this coming, unfortunately.

I'm really surprised that based on EVERYTHING you wrote in those other threads 1) you're surprised and 2) you're saying that it's over a comment you made. You KNOW that's not why he left, you could have left that entire post about the phone out.

I think Hopeful and Charlotte York gave you some good advice about how to proceed from here. :yep:
 
Mai Tai said:
OP, I am not trying to call you out, but I think in order for some of the ladies to get a true feeling for the DYSFUNCTION that you keep blaming yourself for need to read this for the full story..."My Husband Told Me to Get A Job"...
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OMG! I remember this thread! I don't always keep track of posters and threads they create. After thinking about that old thread, I'm surprised that y'all were still together up until now.

@shinyblackhair, all I can say is be strong for you and your kids.
 
Do you guys have joint bank accounts? I think you need to go to the bank inbeteeen your classes or lunch and open a bank account in your own name. You then need to make a large withdrawal from your joint account. Whose name is the car and house registered in? If the car is in your name call the police and report it stolen. That man should not have left you and 4 kids without any transportation. If the house/apt is in your name only then change the locks. And do not move out of the house!

I havent read your other threads but it sounds like god has been trying to tell you for a while that this man is not who he wanted for you anymore. People are in our lives for a season and your season with this man is over. He served his purpose: he gave you 4 beautiful kids. God has someone even better waiting for you.

Get your crying out tonight, after you have fun with the kids, and then go into survival mode. Sign up for public assistance if you need to. And go set up a separate bank account and start stashing money.

I'm praying for you and your family.
 
I remember that thread too. His behavior was off the chart in my opinion. Honestly OP I thought he might be leading a bit of a double life (especially hearing that he was shaving his nads and hanging with some new boys....alot....:look:)

Anyway, the signs have been there for quite some time so I hope you took steps to protect yourself and your kids. Especially any joint accounts as LovelyLouboutin mentioned. If it were me I would take exactly half of whatever is in there and put in in my own account. That's fair and it will protect you from any shenanigans on his part. Also, he may have left but his financial responsibilities to you and the kids have not. As soon as you're clear on how you're going to move foward take the steps to ensure that he continues to support you and the kids immediately.
 
Hello all, I just got home from school.

After a very sleepless night I got up this morning and decided to get emyself and kids to school. I know him leaving was him trying to prove that without him, I'm screwed. He feels that without him, I'd starve which he shouted to me last night in front of the kids. Anyway, I got everyone fed, dressed, lunches made per the usual. Only since he wasn't here and I had no vehicle I had to cab myself and my son to school. The older girls get a school bus. I was half an hour late for class, but got there did my class and quiz (83%!). I was out of it today, just from being tired/stressed. Anyway, I got a ride home and to pick up my son from a friend at school. Lo and behold the van is parked in the driveway when we pull up to my house. I just came in to find him sitting on the couch in front of the tv. He has not said a word to me....I don't want to look at him or be around him. I was rather dismayed to see that he came back. I don't want to have a weekend full of conflict and strife...seriously. I'm just trying to stay far from him and out of each others way. Knowing him, he will remain on the couch and just eat/sleep and take up space. His presence here is pissing me off...I have to stay focused though because I have an assignment to do that's due on Monday. Dropping out of school is not an option. He has paid for this course with the expectation that I will be gaining JOB skills. So everyone is counting on me doing this. I am enjoying my course and it is really improving my level of confidence and self-esteem. I'm doing well and want to keep it that way. I have also gotten my driver's licence since my last thread. I'm improving myself and gaining my independence and he is still not happy. This relationship is over and I am preparing myself to move on.
 
OMG, he is pissing me off and it's not even happening to me!

YOU need to leave HIM. He is a miserable S.O.B and what he's putting you and your children through is absolutely ridiculous. I cant imagine what that must have felt like to come home and see his sorry *** there, and after he said in front your kids that you would starve without him. Naw sis, you can do bad all by yourself.

Do what you need to do to be rid of this ninja for good. You got your license which is a great step in the right direction. i have no doubt that with a well executed plan, you and your children will be just fine. We're all rooting for you!
 
I knew that he would be back.

You need to pocket some extra money while he's there. Take small amounts cause he won't notice and it will eventually add up. Stick to your plan...
 
shinyblackhair said:
I don't know what I will do tomorrorw. I have school and the kids have school. maybe he will realize this and come to his senses and come back? He knows full well, there is no way for us to get around and with no money. he is gone with the only vehicle and money too. I guess this is my payback for not keeping my mouth shut? I swear when I get myself sorted out I will not live like this ever again. If I have to work 24/7 so be it. This is no way to live. I put my life in this man's hands and this is where I end up. I am sorry for being bitter but I am so bitter right now I can taste it....

thanks for your replies and kind words.
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As a woman with experience in this department, I wholeheartedly agree with Sparklingflame and others who tell you not to blame yourself. This is not acceptable...his behavior and your taking the blame. Stop right there!

I want to say something and I hope people will comprehend that this is not coming from a selfish place, but YOU are the first one to suffer. YOU are first, not the children. Why? If you are not stable, then they will not be stable. I'm asking you to get lots of support from those who love you. This is what these types of manipulative men do, blame you and disparage you in front of your children for every single thing...for years. It's not about this huge blow-up at all.

I do feel for the children in a divorce/separation/household strife/bad marriage but what about the woman? Nobody cares. I'm coming from that very place. People will say this and that for the children as though you are at statue of liberty type, stoic, staid, erect, STRONG. Nope folks, this is a flesh and blood woman and she deserves to look at this situation from a perspective of a disrespected spouse. You need help, OP, to talk this through for the sake of YOU FIRST, then the children. The mistake many make and due to society and the advice of others is to shield the kids or put them first. I reiterate, you need help as the backbone of the family so that everybody can be healthy and sane (minus him, of course). Do not neglect yourself and talk to the kids openly about the situation without putting him down and listen to the kids' fears and anger.

As for him, he's a child and has a lot of unresolved issues. He might change but there's a lot to go through for him to realize what he has become as a human. Even still, he might not wish to love you. I hope you are able to get to the money. Do you have an atm for the bank account? If you can't get to the bank, call them and alert them to what is happening and the bank manager might be able to put a hold on the account until you can get things resolved (1/2 the money).

Lastly, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's never pleasant and he will increase his disparaging of you to the kids...even going so far as to tell them you are a whore, an adulteress, stupid, Black b!tch (I'm being real....expect it), better with another "race" woman, etc. He will tell all his friends and family how "horrible" you are. Prepare yourself and it might not hurt as much. You will lose friends, whether you divorce or just separate for awhile. :yep: People will be afraid to be around you because 1)they don't know what to say and 2)are having trouble you don't know about and they're afraid of it catching. It sux...but you will get over it. Keep going to school and preparing your profession. Keep good contact with professors, the Dean of the school of study, counselors, etc. so you can get great recommendations. It will help with your self-esteem. But do not blame yourself. You did nothing wrong and he was attempting to steal and utilize that phone by switching the account for himself. You did good. He knows you are strong now and have a contender. Never back down. Don't shout, try not to cry...let him make a complete hateful idiot of himself and keep a journal of everything for your lawyers just in case. In the words of Ivanna Trump, "don't get mad, get everything." :yep: Still try and get family counseling and marital counseling. Just be on your guard henceforth. I hope he changes and become sane again...:bighug:

I've been there and he's tried a lot, even I suspect he tried to take the kids out of the country...so get your kids' passports and hide them. Check Canadian laws for exit/with children and if a passport has been requested for them. He may at some point be nice to you in your face but do not trust this. They will never get over it. If you find evidence of cheating, get names, places, write down stories from friends & acquaintances about him...get everything documented for an eventual deposition of character. Don't talk badly about him to the kids or where/when they can hear you and a friend...and don't allow him to talk badly of you...tell the judge and they might stop visitations on that note if it continues.:yep: You will make it!!!
 
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shinyblackhair said:
My husband just left. Granted, I guess I provoked him, but I didn't expect it to become this huge of a deal, and I didn't expect him to leave over this. However, this is something he has wanted to do for a long time I suppose. I am not sure what to do. I am angry at how he handled himself and the trauma this has put my children under. They are crying and distraught and looking to me to reassure them.

I do not want him coming back...

I don't know what to do...not sure if I should call anyone or what...I have school tomorrow, and my kids have school tomorrow...my youngest girl has already said that she doesn't want to go to school because she doesn't want to come home and daddy's not here. she is blaming herself and saying daddy doesn't love us...ugh...I'm so heartbroken. All over a stupid comment I made. I am seriously wondering about his mental state right now too...he left yelling at me to "fend for myself"...I guess this is supposed to teach me a lesson and show me how "if it wasn't for him we'd starve in here" uuggh....

I am livid over how he chose to make a scene and scare/traumatize the kids. We have 4 children ages: 14, 9, 8 and 4.

Please offer any advice or suggestions that you can think of. I am at a loss and in shock right now...
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PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not blame yourself for this. If you feel in your heart that he has wanted to leave for a while Im almost sure that you are right about it. That small comment that you made was just an excuse to go.

Im so sorry about this, girl. :bighug:
 
In the words of Luther Vandross , I think your DH has his "head on another cloud"

We as women are always hoping and praying for things to work out but you better hurry and get a serious back up plan because it didn't happen this time but he is as good as gone. When a person shows you who they are believe them.

I knew from your initial post that he would be back the next day.

Do you know where he went? did he stay with family? does his fam know what he's up to?

I know this is a trying time for you but you need a major plan and soon. If you have family call them in and let them know what's going on . Tell them you need help.
 
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