He Left

Your children deserve so much better. I hope you get the courage to leave sooner than later. I wish you all the best.
 
Hi Everyone,

I am still here. Still in this same mess. Still being verbally abused and wondering if this will finally be the year that I get my act together and have the nerve to actually leave this man. He says he's leaving me, but he never does. He tells me how I do nothing, I'm sponging off of him and that I should just get out. I'm still here, like a fool. If I didn't have my kids I would have been gone so long ago...

I feel so extremely low but I don't know how to take that first step. My mom says that God hates divorce and do I really want to give my kids that type of lifestyle and legacy. This makes me feel worse. She says sometimes as women we have to be the strong one and endure these relationships for the good of our children. She says the marriage will get better with time. I don't know how true that is. My dad is still miserable and argumentative with her to this day. Maybe not as harshly but, he is still the same. I'm so trapped and so lost.
 
Sorry you are still in this situation. If you are taking his bad treatment for the sake of the kids it is what it is. Grin and bear it. Well could you at least make him a mylanta laced cherry creme cheese pie? Since he has diarrhea of the mouth you may as well make him have it in the arse too. I'm a meanie don't pay me no neva mind!

Good luck. Yo momma on some bs and trying to spoon feed the same.
 
shinyblackhair said:
Hi Everyone,

I am still here. Still in this same mess. Still being verbally abused and wondering if this will finally be the year that I get my act together and have the nerve to actually leave this man. He says he's leaving me, but he never does. He tells me how I do nothing, I'm sponging off of him and that I should just get out. I'm still here, like a fool. If I didn't have my kids I would have been gone so long ago...

I feel so extremely low but I don't know how to take that first step. My mom says that God hates divorce and do I really want to give my kids that type of lifestyle and legacy. This makes me feel worse. She says sometimes as women we have to be the strong one and endure these relationships for the good of our children. She says the marriage will get better with time. I don't know how true that is. My dad is still miserable and argumentative with her to this day. Maybe not as harshly but, he is still the same. I'm so trapped and so lost.
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((Hugs))

Okay, here is my perspective as a child of divorce. My parents stayed together for 20+ long years with a year-long separation somewhere in there. My mom didn't want to get a divorce because, "God hates divorce" and she thought it would be better for the kids. As one of the kids I can honestly say that it was not better for me. In fact, it was worse- I used to wish my parents would get a divorce- they didn't like each other, and they were not healthy together.

Finally, once we were almost adults, my mom realized that this was not better for the kids. It is better to provide a healthy model of relationships or at the very least a peaceful environment with one parent than to make the kids continue to live in discord and possibly give your kids a messed-up idea of what relationships are supposed to be.

If you have a daughter, would you want her to be with a man who treats her the way your DH does you? Or would you want her to avoid relationships for life because she saw how negative her parents' marriage was? Probably not, but those may be the lessons she takes away from her homelife and formative years.

Eventually my parents divorced, and now they are like two totally different people. They have each re-married and they have healthy relationships. Unfortunately, to some degree, the damage of the years they stayed together and all of that strife, have still affected me and my siblings. One of us got into a dysfunctional relationship and was belittled, etc, but stuck around for a while "for the kids." She was modeling what she saw growing up. The others are uber-cautious about trusting anyone and settling down.

I know it is never easy in the situation you are in, I just hope that my experience can help you as you process what to do next.
 
shinyblackhair said:
Hi Everyone,

I am still here. Still in this same mess. Still being verbally abused and wondering if this will finally be the year that I get my act together and have the nerve to actually leave this man. He says he's leaving me, but he never does. He tells me how I do nothing, I'm sponging off of him and that I should just get out. I'm still here, like a fool. If I didn't have my kids I would have been gone so long ago...

I feel so extremely low but I don't know how to take that first step. My mom says that God hates divorce and do I really want to give my kids that type of lifestyle and legacy. This makes me feel worse. She says sometimes as women we have to be the strong one and endure these relationships for the good of our children. She says the marriage will get better with time. I don't know how true that is. My dad is still miserable and argumentative with her to this day. Maybe not as harshly but, he is still the same. I'm so trapped and so lost.
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OP...I am just chiming in. You say your mom is taking this same kind of thing you are going through now.
OP you have got to break this cycle! Your daughters will eventually think this is okay.
Finally. I have read this thread. Last January (2011) you said the EXACT same thing about how you can't get out and you don't know what to do or how. But its 2012, what's happened in the last year? You keep saying you're miserable but here you are again. What truly is stopping YOU from leaving this man?
Also, you said you think he is waiting on you to leave. What's wrong with that? You say you want to give your kids a certain lifestyle? What lifestyle is that? Anger, hurt, mistrust? Is it worth it to have that while "keeping appearances?"
My mom leftmy dad b/c he also treated her bad and verbally abused her. Us 3 kids struggled, but mom was happy. I we all are doing well, have graduate degrees and my baby sis will finish law school in 2013. I love my dad and we've all healed with time. But we are only at this point because of the strength of MY MOM! It was all MY MOM! all her and the Lord and praying family. You can do this....The first thing you do is to leave. He ain't going nowhere. The sooner you realize it, the better. Give him what he wants and don't look back. Keep it business, file your papers and move on.
 
Also, because she had the strength to leave her man, and found someone who DOES love her, I was able to put my man in his place when he acted stupid. Her courage strengthened ME! My husband already knows, I don't care if we have 10 kids...I'd rather live in a shelter (and I will) than live with a man who can't stand me or will treat me like trash. I BELIEVE I am worth more....
 
glam- said:
((Hugs))

Okay, here is my perspective as a child of divorce. My parents stayed together for 20+ long years with a year-long separation somewhere in there. My mom didn't want to get a divorce because, "God hates divorce" and she thought it would be better for the kids. As one of the kids I can honestly say that it was not better for me. In fact, it was worse- I used to wish my parents would get a divorce- they didn't like each other, and they were not healthy together.

Finally, once we were almost adults, my mom realized that this was not better for the kids. It is better to provide a healthy model of relationships or at the very least a peaceful environment with one parent than to make the kids continue to live in discord and possibly give your kids a messed-up idea of what relationships are supposed to be.

If you have a daughter, would you want her to be with a man who treats her the way your DH does you? Or would you want her to avoid relationships for life because she saw how negative her parents' marriage was? Probably not, but those may be the lessons she takes away from her homelife and formative years.

Eventually my parents divorced, and now they are like two totally different people. They have each re-married and they have healthy relationships. Unfortunately, to some degree, the damage of the years they stayed together and all of that strife, have still affected me and my siblings. One of us got into a dysfunctional relationship and was belittled, etc, but stuck around for a while "for the kids." She was modeling what she saw growing up. The others are uber-cautious about trusting anyone and settling down.

I know it is never easy in the situation you are in, I just hope that my experience can help you as you process what to do next.
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AMEN! This stuff is real. I know you don't want that for your daughters OP.
 
glam- said:
((Hugs))

Okay, here is my perspective as a child of divorce. My parents stayed together for 20+ long years with a year-long separation somewhere in there. My mom didn't want to get a divorce because, "God hates divorce" and she thought it would be better for the kids. As one of the kids I can honestly say that it was not better for me. In fact, it was worse- I used to wish my parents would get a divorce- they didn't like each other, and they were not healthy together.

Finally, once we were almost adults, my mom realized that this was not better for the kids. It is better to provide a healthy model of relationships or at the very least a peaceful environment with one parent than to make the kids continue to live in discord and possibly give your kids a messed-up idea of what relationships are supposed to be.

If you have a daughter, would you want her to be with a man who treats her the way your DH does you? Or would you want her to avoid relationships for life because she saw how negative her parents' marriage was? Probably not, but those may be the lessons she takes away from her homelife and formative years.

Eventually my parents divorced, and now they are like two totally different people. They have each re-married and they have healthy relationships. Unfortunately, to some degree, the damage of the years they stayed together and all of that strife, have still affected me and my siblings. One of us got into a dysfunctional relationship and was belittled, etc, but stuck around for a while "for the kids." She was modeling what she saw growing up. The others are uber-cautious about trusting anyone and settling down.

I know it is never easy in the situation you are in, I just hope that my experience can help you as you process what to do next.
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Wow this post is everything, especially the bolded. :yep: Being a happy healthy you is better than miserably enduring a marriage "fo da kids". Is this really the example you want to set for your kids' future relationships?

I'm also a child of divorce and I'm thankful every day that my mom left my father. My mother took my brothers and I in the middle of the night, with just the clothes on our backs and got away. I am still in awe of her to this day for the strength it took her to do that.

Hugs to you. :bighug:
 
That is some 1920s advice your mom gave you, it's a new day. If you're not already working, I'd start by getting a job to try and gain some independence.
 
Ladies,

Thanks for your words. I need a serious kick in the butt...I work very part-time and due to kids and lack of access to childcare I don't take as many shifts as I'd like to. My youngest will be starting first grade in September and finally I will have all my kids in school full time.

Okay, so for me to move out I don't see HOW I would afford it. Honestly, I don't know how other mothers do it?!? I just checked out how much a 2 bedroom apt costs and it's a LOT. Way more than I can afford by myself. That is one of the things my husband always tells me...that I couldn't support even a HALF of myself because I make pennies...

I'm done with the abuse. Deep down I know I'm a good person and I can make it on my own, but I just need a push in the right direction and that fear of the unknown that grips me, I know I have to get over it.

Sometimes, I get so angry....I feel so jealous of friends, neighbours and co-workers with good husbands who value and treasure them. I wonder what is it that I'm missing that I don't get the same good treatment. What haven't I done? My husband utterly trashed me with his words on Sunday, right before I had to go to work. It is the hardest thing to smile at work and be fake and act like life is good, when all I want to do is go somewhere and cry....
 
I have to apologize because I don't know much about your story and haven't read the whole thread, but do you have family or friends that you could live with while you get on your feet? Social support is very important at a time like this.
 
I'm sorry about this OP. You are in my thoughts and just said a prayer for you.

So, your mom is saying stick it out while your husband is saying leave? This has to be adding to your limbo. So growing up in this sitution as a child, how did you feel? Do you think them sticking it out was the center piece of your childhood. Or do you think things would've been better if they had split and had a chance to be happy???

I really believe there are asitance programs to help women in this sititution. You are only working part time so you have to qualify for something.

Could you go to a public assistance office on your day off to see what you qualify for and to put things in motion just incase you can't stick this out???? You should be able to get your rent almost down to nothing and get assitance with food until you get on your feet. IMO, this is the exact sitution that public assitance is made for.


Start researching what's out there so you can have all of your ducks in a row if push becomes shove.
 
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shinyblackhair said:
Ladies,

Thanks for your words. I need a serious kick in the butt...I work very part-time and due to kids and lack of access to childcare I don't take as many shifts as I'd like to. My youngest will be starting first grade in September and finally I will have all my kids in school full time.

Okay, so for me to move out I don't see HOW I would afford it. Honestly, I don't know how other mothers do it?!? I just checked out how much a 2 bedroom apt costs and it's a LOT. Way more than I can afford by myself. That is one of the things my husband always tells me...that I couldn't support even a HALF of myself because I make pennies...

I'm done with the abuse. Deep down I know I'm a good person and I can make it on my own, but I just need a push in the right direction and that fear of the unknown that grips me, I know I have to get over it.

Sometimes, I get so angry....I feel so jealous of friends, neighbours and co-workers with good husbands who value and treasure them. I wonder what is it that I'm missing that I don't get the same good treatment. What haven't I done? My husband utterly trashed me with his words on Sunday, right before I had to go to work. It is the hardest thing to smile at work and be fake and act like life is good, when all I want to do is go somewhere and cry....
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Girl, you're a saint to still be putting up with his mess. Why does it have to be you that's missing something as to why he treats you like crap? Don't you think that some folks are just crazy, and that crazy cannot always be explained. I see that you're in Canada and I'm not sure what kind of resources there are for people in your situation, but there must be some.

Have you gotten some type of degree in the last couple of years, or at least halfway finished to have more income to support yourself and kids.

Try to keep your cool and not get to angry with him. I honestly don't want to hear about you on an episode of Snapped.
 
michelle81 said:
Girl, you're a saint to still be putting up with his mess. Why does it have to be you that's missing something as to why he treats you like crap?
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I don't know...I mean why doesn't he realize how good things could be if he would treat me right...there's no reason that we can't be a happy family, but he is too caught up in his dissatisfaction with the way his life is going...and he blames me and makes me the bad guy. Am I really that bad???

If and when I leave, I believe he will see the error of his ways, but it will be too late. All this crap he's putting me through...this mental anguish of should I stay or go, wondering if I'm crazy...blaming myself. I swear after I leave if he decides to "see the light" I will lose it!!! I wish he knew exactly what he's doing to me and the kids. After I leave there's no coming back. This is too hard for me to ever come back after this. He has threatened to leave me in every argument. He had better be prepared to REALLY see me go. I hope he'll be happy to get what he obviously wants.
 
shinyblackhair said:
I don't know...I mean why doesn't he realize how good things could be if he would treat me right...there's no reason that we can't be a happy family, but he is too caught up in his dissatisfaction with the way his life is going...and he blames me and makes me the bad guy. Am I really that bad???

If and when I leave, I believe he will see the error of his ways, but it will be too late. All this crap he's putting me through...this mental anguish of should I stay or go, wondering if I'm crazy...blaming myself. I swear after I leave if he decides to "see the light" I will lose it!!! I wish he knew exactly what he's doing to me and the kids. After I leave there's no coming back. This is too hard for me to ever come back after this. He has threatened to leave me in every argument. He had better be prepared to REALLY see me go. I hope he'll be happy to get what he obviously wants.
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Well from this post it sounds like you still love him in spite of all the bad treatment and you want it to work. So that is why its too hard for you to fathom things will turn out ok if you stepped out on faith.

I'm so sorry you want someone that doesn't want you. That has to be the worst feeling in the world. Like I said earlier you are taking one for the team/the dream of a perfect family so its ok to vent your frustrations.

As the other ladies said it may not be healthy for the kids in the long run but that is your decision and you made the choice to stay. I hope the kids break the cycle. Stay strong in prayer.

God is in the miracle business so just keep praying for one.
 
OP~I truly understand what you are going through. I've had many sleepless nights over my divorce. And I couldn't imagine how I'd ever be happy again. Divorce felt like someone was literally ripping me apart. And I had a very lonnngggg divorce.

But now that I'm on the other side of the divorce, I wonder what the heck I was waiting for? Girl, you can't tell me nothing now!:grin:

So I'm saying all of that to say...it gets better. And taking the first step is the hardest part. Call a lawyer for a free consultation. Save up for the retainer fee and as long as he makes more than you...you'll be able to have him pay for your lawyer fees.

I disagree with everyone that says to run out and get a job. Hear me out.....Lessons I learned in my divorce:

The more money you make the less you will receive in child support and you are not guaranteed alimony/spousal support. And most of the time, spousal support is temporary. And since you have 4 kids, you need as much financial support from him as possible. Plus, hitting up his pockets is such good revenge...especially when Uncle Sam is there to make sure you get yours.:look: Oh...you might be able to get rehab support to help you stay in school. Play it smart girl because you will have to deal with the terms of the divorce for awhile. Sacrifice/Suffer on the front end and reap the rewards for a long time after the divorce.:yep: Talk to a lawyer...most of them provide free consultations.

You obviously know how to sacrifice since you have been sacrificing your sanity, your self-esteem, your kids self-esteem, amongst a host of other things. Get it together for your babies honey. Ditch the pride and move back home with your parents. I'd rather deal with the dirty bathroom at your momma's house than have to deal with the abuse that you and your kids are enduring. You have to care more about their well-being than your own. Talk to a lawyer....I just felt the need to reiterate this.

Start documenting the times that he is verbally/emotionally abusing the kids. You need to create a case that you can present to the courts as to why you should have sole custody of the kids (with visitation for him, of course). And make sure you aren't doing things to build a case against yourself (no cheating, no incriminating texts/voicemails, etc). The more you share custody with him....the less child support you receive. I hate to make this all about money...but being a single parent is hard. Being a broke single parent who is struggling to make ends meet is he11. And it affects you and the kids in more ways than one.

Work with your lawyer and don't be crazy enough to tell your husband what you're doing. Especially in a moment of anger.

If your lawyer isn't cut-throat enough...get a new one. This is not the time to be nice!!! Pay for the best! Well actually he'll be paying for the best for you!
I really hope that you take heed to the advice given in this thread.
 
shinyblackhair said:
Ladies,

Thanks for your words. I need a serious kick in the butt...I work very part-time and due to kids and lack of access to childcare I don't take as many shifts as I'd like to. My youngest will be starting first grade in September and finally I will have all my kids in school full time.

Okay, so for me to move out I don't see HOW I would afford it. Honestly, I don't know how other mothers do it?!? I just checked out how much a 2 bedroom apt costs and it's a LOT. Way more than I can afford by myself. That is one of the things my husband always tells me...that I couldn't support even a HALF of myself because I make pennies...

I'm done with the abuse. Deep down I know I'm a good person and I can make it on my own, but I just need a push in the right direction and that fear of the unknown that grips me, I know I have to get over it.

Sometimes, I get so angry....I feel so jealous of friends, neighbours and co-workers with good husbands who value and treasure them. I wonder what is it that I'm missing that I don't get the same good treatment. What haven't I done? My husband utterly trashed me with his words on Sunday, right before I had to go to work. It is the hardest thing to smile at work and be fake and act like life is good, when all I want to do is go somewhere and cry....
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At the bolded: YOU HAVEN'T LEFT!!!

I read the whole thread and I'm saying this with love. You said you needed a kick, so here it is...

So you graduate school, get a job and he still can't respect you. You see the prices of apartments and let that reinforce all the crap he keeps saying about "You couldn't do it without him."

I take it you haven't been saving money like PP have suggested for two years. If you had, the rent wouldn't be a problem.

See, you're still of the mindset that being with him, even if he treats you like ****, is better than the big scary world.

IT ISN'T!!!!!!!!!!!

You're in Canada, so there's only so much I can advise you on. But I can tell you... You see the rents of apartments... CONGRATULATIONS!!! You now know EXACTLY how much $$$ you need to set up. SO START SAVING!!! Make it your goal. Instead of saying "He's right, I CAN'T afford it" start figuring out how you will. Your son will be in school in September? Perfect time to work full time and OVERTIME. Once you get the deposit down on the apartment, go straight to the courthouse and apply for separation and child support. No, you can't do it on just your salary AND THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T EXPECT YOU TO! Pride goeth before a fall... and you've been falling for more than two years already. It's not going to be easy, but Your peace of mind and Your Children's piece of mind is worth it.... isn't it???????

You graduated school. You have an income stream. Take the advice that's been given in this two year old thread because it still applies.

Once again, you asked for a kick. And I really want you and your family to be happy. So no more excuses, k?
 
Just to show how messed up this man is: we haven't spoken a WORD to each other since Sunday. I avoid being in the same room as him. Last night I wake up in the middle of the night only to feel him cuddling/spooning me! Like really? Wtf??? Sunday he had ranted on and on for the millionth time how he's tired if me, gonna leave me and he's sick of me sponging off him. Why the hell would he think I would be all lovey with him? I just told him to move back to his side of the bed and leave me alone. This morning he asked me if I wanted some coffee. I just said no and kept it moving...he thinks I'm some weak puppy desperate for attention. I'm so tired of this. I'm going to look at an apartment today. Maybe that will serve as some motivation. I just want out.
 
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Your husband sounds passive-aggressive.

Does Canada have something in place that can provide some assistance for those who don't have high income such as food assistance or a program to help with paying bills? I know my mom used some assistance for a little while until she was able to get on her feet.
 
shinyblackhair

do you have family you could stay with? please get out of that relationship for your sanity and the well being of your children. i have an i am still walking in your shoes. God blessed me with a way out. it is very hard coming from being dependent on someone for years, to having to support yourself. but you have to do what you need to do for you and yours. if you need to talk freely, PM me. this thread is making my chest hurt. i feel what you are going through. if you and your babies gotta live in an one bedroom apartment, so be it. i know that is so easier said than done. you need to see about getting some assistance. find out how much he makes to see what you would qualify for child support. as soon as you move out, you can file even before filing for a divorce or legal separation. you don't have to stay in that trap of a marriage. he is mad because the burden is on him, and he doesn't want that burden anymore. give him what he wants. he is being abusive to you. he is bitter and resentful. but guess what, you may not realize that you are making just as many sacrifices as he is. since he makes more, you can't get on your feet because of the children. so you stay dependent on him for his check. he knows this, that's why he clowns you the way he does. i didn't sleep with my husband. i slept on the couch or in the kids room. i wasn't going to entertain any of that foolishness. when he would get home, i would leave and leave the kids there.

shinyblackhair said:
Just to show how messed up this man is: we haven't spoken a WORD to each other since Sunday. I avoid being in the same room as him. Last night I wake up in the middle of the night only to feel him cuddling/spooning me! Like really? Wtf??? Sunday he had ranted on and on for the millionth time how he's tired if me, gonna leave me and he's sick of me sponging off him. Why the hell would he think I would be all lovey with him? I just told him to move back to his side of the bed and leave me alone. This morning he asked me if I wanted some coffee. I just said no and kept it moving...he thinks I'm some weak puppy desperate for attention. I'm so tired of this. I'm going to look at an apartment today. Maybe that will serve as some motivation. I just want out.
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MissJ

it's easier to leave, than to try and put someone out. let him have that house or whatever they live in. he doesn't seem like the type to leave. she would just end up having more drama on her hands trying to get that man to leave.

MissJ said:
Um, why are you the one who has to move out?
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MissJ said:
Um, why are you the one who has to move out?
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Well I don't have to. He is the one always threatening to leave but he never does. Then in the next breath he tells me I should be the one to leave because I don't "contribute". I just feel like I need to leave and take a stand for myself.
 
shortdub78 said:
shinyblackhair

do you have family you could stay with? please get out of that relationship for your sanity and the well being of your children. i have an i am still walking in your shoes. God blessed me with a way out. it is very hard coming from being dependent on someone for years, to having to support yourself. but you have to do what you need to do for you and yours. if you need to talk freely, PM me. this thread is making my chest hurt. i feel what you are going through. if you and your babies gotta live in an one bedroom apartment, so be it. i know that is so easier said than done. you need to see about getting some assistance. find out how much he makes to see what you would qualify for child support. as soon as you move out, you can file even before filing for a divorce or legal separation. you don't have to stay in that trap of a marriage. he is mad because the burden is on him, and he doesn't want that burden anymore. give him what he wants. he is being abusive to you. he is bitter and resentful. but guess what, you may not realize that you are making just as many sacrifices as he is. since he makes more, you can't get on your feet because of the children. so you stay dependent on him for his check. he knows this, that's why he clowns you the way he does. i didn't sleep with my husband. i slept on the couch or in the kids room. i wasn't going to entertain any of that foolishness. when he would get home, i would leave and leave the kids there.
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Hey girl, sounds like you know all too well what I'm going through. I'm sorry you are going through this. This is such a tough predicament to be in and I don't wish it on any one. If I could tell all young girls and I will make sure my girls learn this well is to never put yourself at the mercy of a man. Always have your own stuff and a way out for when the time comes that he starts acting crazy.

He can have this house and *most* of what's in it.
 
shortdub78 said:
MissJ

it's easier to leave, than to try and put someone out. let him have that house or whatever they live in. he doesn't seem like the type to leave. she would just end up having more drama on her hands trying to get that man to leave.
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Yes, yes, yes. As much as he runs his mouth about leaving ME he won't leave his house.
 
OP, first, I would like to say that I am very sorry that you have been going through all of this for such a long period of time.

Everyone has given you great advice. The only thing I will add is that you have to watch what you say about yourself. You have a very negative way of describing your situation. Almost like you are co-signing with the non-sense your husband spews about you.

What you say out of your mouth is how your mind will act. For example, you keep saying rent is too high and you can't afford that etc. Well, you are mentally crippling yourself before you take any real action. Your thought process should be, "apartments are high here, but I know I can find a way to secure one that I can afford". From there, go visit apartments, see if they have any deals or special discounts for new renters, etc. See about assistance programs in your area. When my mother left my father years ago, we went into a women's shelter for a couple of months and they helped my mother secure affordable housing from there. They also helped with job placement, child care etc.

If you keep subscribing to all the negativity your husband has been feeding you all these years, he will win and you and your children will continue to lose.

I sincerely wish you the best.
 
kweenameena said:
OP~I truly understand what you are going through. I've had many sleepless nights over my divorce. And I couldn't imagine how I'd ever be happy again. Divorce felt like someone was literally ripping me apart. And I had a very lonnngggg divorce.

But now that I'm on the other side of the divorce, I wonder what the heck I was waiting for? Girl, you can't tell me nothing now!:grin:

So I'm saying all of that to say...it gets better. And taking the first step is the hardest part. Call a lawyer for a free consultation. Save up for the retainer fee and as long as he makes more than you...you'll be able to have him pay for your lawyer fees.

I disagree with everyone that says to run out and get a job. Hear me out.....Lessons I learned in my divorce:

The more money you make the less you will receive in child support and you are not guaranteed alimony/spousal support. And most of the time, spousal support is temporary. And since you have 4 kids, you need as much financial support from him as possible. Plus, hitting up his pockets is such good revenge...especially when Uncle Sam is there to make sure you get yours.:look: Oh...you might be able to get rehab support to help you stay in school. Play it smart girl because you will have to deal with the terms of the divorce for awhile. Sacrifice/Suffer on the front end and reap the rewards for a long time after the divorce.:yep: Talk to a lawyer...most of them provide free consultations.

You obviously know how to sacrifice since you have been sacrificing your sanity, your self-esteem, your kids self-esteem, amongst a host of other things. Get it together for your babies honey. Ditch the pride and move back home with your parents. I'd rather deal with the dirty bathroom at your momma's house than have to deal with the abuse that you and your kids are enduring. You have to care more about their well-being than your own. Talk to a lawyer....I just felt the need to reiterate this.

Start documenting the times that he is verbally/emotionally abusing the kids. You need to create a case that you can present to the courts as to why you should have sole custody of the kids (with visitation for him, of course). And make sure you aren't doing things to build a case against yourself (no cheating, no incriminating texts/voicemails, etc). The more you share custody with him....the less child support you receive. I hate to make this all about money...but being a single parent is hard. Being a broke single parent who is struggling to make ends meet is he11. And it affects you and the kids in more ways than one.

Work with your lawyer and don't be crazy enough to tell your husband what you're doing. Especially in a moment of anger.

If your lawyer isn't cut-throat enough...get a new one. This is not the time to be nice!!! Pay for the best! Well actually he'll be paying for the best for you!
I really hope that you take heed to the advice given in this thread.
Click to expand...

Yes! On top of child/spousal support she should be entitled to at least half of the proceeds from the sell of his house even though he purchased it before they were married, right?? He would have to sell it or buy her out.
 
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