He Left

ugh this thread is so crazy. OP, you are comfortable in the dysfunction and abuse and thats why you wont leave or make moves to leave. A dirty bathroom? really, when your kids are clearly traumatized and hurting, thats whats stopping you from going to stay with your mom even if its fro a little while? I find it quite ironic that you put your failure to leave on the shoulders of your children when they should be the main reason you should have been left your husband. Please dont delude yourself into thinking you're doing your children any favors. God help your daughters and sons cause Mommy and Daddy showed them first hand how they should be treated and how horribly others will let them treat them without fear of consequences. I know this sounds mean and harsh but no one else has told you the real. All the nice flowery advice in the world hasnt made a lick of difference in 2 years so maybe this will.
 
^^^^ This is what is real.

This is why I left my ex, while still pregnant with our daughter..b/c I saw what our relationship had dissolved into (yelling, screaming, verbal/physical abuse) and there was NO WAY IN HE** I was going to begin that cycle in my daughter's life..seeing how mommy and daddy interacted with each other and thinking that's normal.:nono:

I had to come to terms with the idea that my marriage was over: I was gonna be a single mom raising a very young child on my own..that was not part of my life plan and I had to have alot of conversations with myself to finally be ok with it..but I am here to tell you..that peace of mind you feel when its over and you once again have control over your life, your future, your children..it is priceless and worth all the agony, self doubt and self criticism you endure while getting to that point.

That was 6 years ago and my life is very good. I know w/o a shadow of a doubt I made the right decision for me and my daughter. I hope you let what's best for your children and you drive your decisions and not hold on to a white picket fence fantasy that is not real.
 
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toinette said:
ugh this thread is so crazy. OP, you are comfortable in the dysfunction and abuse and thats why you wont leave or make moves to leave. A dirty bathroom? really, when your kids are clearly traumatized and hurting, thats whats stopping you from going to stay with your mom even if its fro a little while? I find it quite ironic that you put your failure to leave on the shoulders of your children when they should be the main reason you should have been left your husband. Please dont delude yourself into thinking you're doing your children any favors. God help your daughters and sons cause Mommy and Daddy showed them first hand how they should be treated and how horribly others will let them treat them without fear of consequences. I know this sounds mean and harsh but no one else has told you the real. All the nice flowery advice in the world hasnt made a lick of difference in 2 years so maybe this will.
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I feel ya and totally agree. For myself I am learning to give hardheaded or set in their way folks advice based on exactly where they are at and/or just to stay prayful that things will change. Hell if they like living in insanity and not learning from past or present mistakes/actions etc I love it. We all have different ways of living and loving. So I say let them live and just let them vent.
 
firecracker said:
I feel ya and totally agree. For myself I am learning to give hardheaded or set in their way folks advice based on exactly where they are at and/or just to stay prayful that things will change. Hell if they like living in insanity and not learning from past or present mistakes/actions etc I love it. We all have different ways of living and loving. So I say let them live and just let them vent.
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Yep..I understand people have varying internal strength levels..but when you got babies..you HAVE to do better for them..the end.

If you don't feel you are worth more than being someone physical/verbal punching bag fine..but when you have babies...no excuses....they didn't ask to be born into that and a good parent has an obligation to raise their children in a safe nuturing environment. I've read stories of women with 5 kids leaving an abusive spouse and moving into a shelter in order to have a chance a providing them a better life..I'm sorry no excuses.
 
Have you tried counselling? Is your husband willing to go? If not are you willing to go on your own? Maybe if you get some counselling on your own (if he is not willing to go with you) you can eventually find the strength to move on from this painful situation.

From your posts it sounds as if you still love him and part of you still want it to work (hence you are still with him). Since this is the case then get some counselling because this is not going fix itself. You cannot change him and he will not wake up one day and miraculously change into the man you want him to be.

Therefore your options are: go to counselling with him (if he's willing) to try and make it work or help to separate amicably; go to counselling on your own in order to gain the strength to leave; do nothing and continue this dysfunctional cycle and continue to teach your children that it's okay to live like this.

The choice is yours.
 
Hey everyone. I have decided that I am leaving. The disrespect just continues and he is so clueless as to what it's doing. I will spare the details but he is really showing me even more that he will never change. I don't know where I'm going but I'm setting my mind that I am leaving and going from there. So the first order of business is to tell him and tell the kids.

I had a Phone counseling session on Friday and the counselor said its abusive how he treats me. I don't take breaking up the family lightly so I have to be sure I'm doing the right thing so I feel like counseling helped me with my confidence that I'm thinking right. I see that he sees nothing wrong with himself and he's not willing to work on himself so I have to go.
 
shinyblackhair said:
Hey everyone. I have decided that I am leaving. The disrespect just continues and he is so clueless as to what it's doing. I will spare the details but he is really showing me even more that he will never change. I don't know where I'm going but I'm setting my mind that I am leaving and going from there. So the first order of business is to tell him and tell the kids.

I had a Phone counseling session on Friday and the counselor said its abusive how he treats me. I don't take breaking up the family lightly so I have to be sure I'm doing the right thing so I feel like counseling helped me with my confidence that I'm thinking right. I see that he sees nothing wrong with himself and he's not willing to work on himself so I have to go.
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I'm glad you made this decision because he'll never leave you. You're to convenient to let go and your a good WIFE. A lot of women don't really know how valuable that wife/wifey role really is to men. Be prepared because he won't let you go without a fight.
 
RossBoss he is fine with the kids. He's involved with them etc. he takes them out more then I do tbh.

I just gave him another chance to try and make things right. I asked him if he wanted to work in things and make changes and he said no and that I need to change not him. He claims he's looking for a place and that he's leaving but I believe this is all apart of the manipulation. I feel like I have no choice but to look at my self as being separated.
 
shinyblackhair said:
@RossBoss he is fine with the kids. He's involved with them etc. he takes them out more then I do tbh.

I just gave him another chance to try and make things right. I asked him if he wanted to work in things and make changes and he said no and that I need to change not him. He claims he's looking for a place and that he's leaving but I believe this is all apart of the manipulation. I feel like I have no choice but to look at my self as being separated.
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I havent read every post in this thread but I can say to this last post of yours....You must take control of that last sentence. You are making the choice to be separated and from what I'm reading....it's a good one. Cut those puppet strings from his grip and bounce.
 
call me insensitive but it makes absolutely no sense complaining about a situation you have the power to change. save the pity for someone that genuinely needs it.
 
His actions indicates that he may not love you. Listen to what his actions are telling you.

shinyblackhair said:
RossBoss he is fine with the kids. He's involved with them etc. he takes them out more then I do tbh.

I just gave him another chance to try and make things right. I asked him if he wanted to work in things and make changes and he said no and that I need to change not him. He claims he's looking for a place and that he's leaving but I believe this is all apart of the manipulation. I feel like I have no choice but to look at my self as being separated.
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shinyblackhair said:
@RossBoss he is fine with the kids. He's involved with them etc. he takes them out more then I do tbh.

I just gave him another chance to try and make things right. I asked him if he wanted to work in things and make changes and he said no and that I need to change not him. He claims he's looking for a place and that he's leaving but I believe this is all apart of the manipulation. I feel like I have no choice but to look at my self as being separated.
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I don't think you should tell him you leaving until you have a plan. Unless you want him to ask you to stay once you tell him.... But that can backfire
 
shinyblackhair said:
RossBoss he is fine with the kids. He's involved with them etc. he takes them out more then I do tbh.

I just gave him another chance to try and make things right. I asked him if he wanted to work in things and make changes and he said no and that I need to change not him. He claims he's looking for a place and that he's leaving but I believe this is all apart of the manipulation. I feel like I have no choice but to look at my self as being separated.
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Well, you've just let him know you arr willing to put your health, your soul, and entire being on the line again for the reminder of your life. He turned down the offer again. Not much u can do to make him love you or be nice/kind to you. You can keep up with the begging or take what he has said and shown and keep it moving. It's up to you. Good luck and I hope everything works out as you wish. I guess you could ask him to stay again to get your final answer......


Please keep us updated. We are here anytime you need to vent.
 
shinyblackhair said:
I just gave him another chance to try and make things right.
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:crazy:

How many chances are you going to try and give this man? His actions has time and again showed you he isn't willing to work anything out.

Please let us know when you've finally left...not planning to leave but actually left!
 
We're rooting for you, OP. It's been 2 years (at least), and he hasn't changed. He's never going to change, as long as you keep lying down and accepting the treatment he's giving you. If anything, he's going to get worse. The only way you're going to change the situation is to leave the situation.
 
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mech said:
call me insensitive but it makes absolutely no sense complaining about a situation you have the power to change. save the pity for someone that genuinely needs it.
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mech

don't be that way. everybody has their limits. she hasn't come to her breaking point yet. this is bigger than just wanting to keep a man around for the sake of it. when you have become totally dependent on someone, the fear of starting over, or fear of the unknown takes over. you stay out of fear. you don't know how are going to make it on your own with kids. yeah it may look good in text, but putting it all into action is the tough part. the fact that she is reaching out speaks volumes. it took me 4 years to understand that i didn't have to stay in a bad marriage. who knows how long it is going to take to get my life totally back together. i left with nothing. i was independent before i got married. i allowed my marriage to suck up all of my resources, my will. i let the fear of being a single parent take over. i would have nightmares about living on the streets with my kids. every time i thought of a plan to leave, something mentally would hold me back.

it's just not easy as it looks. think of all of the women that stayed in marriages for 20 plus years, finally getting the courage to leave. that usually happens after the kids are gone. to just leave and not have a stable environment for your children is scary. see this is abuse. he may not be blackening her eyes out, but he is being very abusive and controlling.

i think getting counseling should be the first step in the OP deciding how she wants to handle her life and marriage.

i know i used to have that same thought process when i was younger and single. but i have learned so much about myself and discovered some weakness in my life. i learned that you can never say never.
 
~You Da Truth~ said:
You call that a husband? A H.U.S.B.A.N.D wouldn't have walked out on his wife and children! Sorry, but she have to think about her children right now.
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You dont know ANYTHING about this situation,it's easy to judge when you have no idea about wht really caused this.Men are People stop talking about them as if they shouldnt have any feelings or reaction to anything.
 
shinyblackhair said:
Hey everyone. I have decided that I am leaving. The disrespect just continues and he is so clueless as to what it's doing.
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How are you shinyblackhair?

I just read through this entire thread and, for the most part, know exactly what you have gone through this past while.

With the lies, gaslighting, passive-aggression turned on max, financial abuse (and yes, he HAS/IS financially abusing you and your children), he sounds like my husband. It's like your soul has been tortured and it can't comprehend life beyond the humiliation and pain you've experienced the past 17 years.

I know--it took 20 years of marriage with the last 7 years in intensive psychotherapy to let him go. That's what emotional abuse does to you. My husband's form was less obvious than yours and I didn't recognize it for what it was. What I do know now is that co-dependence is also a soul-killer. And that was my contribution to the ending of our relationship. I should have put my foot down years ago. My complaisance did neither of us any favors--and also made both our problems worse.

This March made it 1 year I asked my husband to leave. We only have the one child, but I still tortured myself over that decision for over 2 years.

I had ZERO support financially or emotionally. I somehow let him isolate me from family and friends. I survived it all by myself. And feel 10 times stronger for it. My child had a rough few months but is now excelling in school and socially. I also now have FRIENDS and people to talk to besides him and that is a blessing, which I'd forgotten existed!

All that pain seems like it was a bad childhood dream. You begin to find that girl you were BEFORE the insanity, and that is beyond golden.

Your husband sounds so much like mine (minus the physical stuff), that there's a web-resource that might make it all gel for you. PM me if you want more info.
 
OP, how are you? Please remember you have us and this thread to come to vent and release.

Please keep us posted about your well- being.
 
I remember this thread. Haven't read the most recent responses, but I'm glad that you've decided to get off this merry-go-round of abuse. (I'll be back to post more later.)
 
Hello All,

Thank you guys for thinking of me and remembering me in your prayers...I'm still here at my house, working on getting myself together. Still talking to my counselor and basically working on ME...I have to be a better example to my kids. My and my husband have been civil. He really thinks things are status quo, but he really has no idea that mentally my bags are packed and I'm positioning myself to lead a good, happy without him. I really wish things could have been different but his heart is hard, and I can only change ME...
 
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