Found Out He Is Married- now what?

[CarLiTa]

i'd be darned if some fool tried to ASK me to be the other woman/other girlfriend.

That is absolutely disrespectful! Shows you this person has a very distorted view of you and what you deserve. If you really believe that I deserve everything that is subpar, then you do NOT really love me/deserve to be with me. What in the good world? I can't imagine some guy fixing his mouth to ask me a question like that.

Good luck to you, OP!

 

[sunshinelady]

no one is allowed to use the word karma anymore!!!! unless you are adding the words...karma darling..and tell her hello from me



smh...
is that more on your level?
sorry I cldnt resist



obviously you DO mean disrespect,lovely.
but let's not go not there..for the moment

see....I really have been in all three shoes..
I was the cheated-on wife
I was the involvment
I was the one who told

my responses were out of genuine concern for the OP's struggle and sadly enough.
from first-hand experience...somehow,I'm puzzled..that concern has gotten....
distorted...and kind of ugly....
tho I am very relieved OP was not offended and understood...

I'm agreeing to disagree..fair enough...yes?

& most respectfully putting you on ignore...
soon as I figure out how to do it..lol
perhaps contemplate the same?
wish you well.....

Wow, getting put on ignore simply for disagreeing with you? In case you haven't figured out how to put me on ignore, go to your profile, look for "ignore list" and enter my name.

I have no idea how you managed to get all that out of what I wrote. And yes, your writing style is obtuse and confusing. But, back to your response, I'm sorry your husband cheated, but I cannot understand why you wouldn't have wanted to know. Nor can I fathom how you could wish that same fate on another woman in a similar situation.

 

[ClassicChic]

I'd want the letter rather than a call though so I would have time alone to read & digest it to make a decision without all the emotion of the other woman on the phone line.

A paper in hand does give one time to "marinate".

The guy who told me he was divorced but was not. First, I called the wife. Like I said in my previous post, she knew. But he had a girlfriend, too. I found her love letters and pictures. Now those pictures spoke volumes because he was in them with her family on a zillion occasions. I figured she would turn a blind eye like the wife. So I mailed his marriage certificate and love letters/cards from his wife to the girlfriend's mother and father.

I know.....what did the parents have to do with it? Well, at that time I was very vengeful and I knew no tall tale he could think of could convince her parents that he was not scum. Not with the signed marriage license in hand. Also, included was copies of joint bills.

That was just way too much time and energy. That is why the OP should just move on.

 

[kayte]

The guy who told me he was divorced but was not. First, I called the wife. Like I said in my previous post, she knew. But he had a girlfriend, too.
the OP should just move on.

My points exactly

It really IS BETWEEEN the couple and whatever relationship contract
they have that is on THEIR relationship table..
and that involves invisible clauses....including the maritial verson of

don't ask....don't tell......
and even if you do.....
well..then...don't ask and dont tell
again

and so it goes

an interloper's communicae..aka the other woman
is not the saving or destructive element..for anybody

the best thing the other person can do..for everyone
including themselves...is ..get out..stay away...don't repeat this

 

[msa]

My points exactly

It really IS BETWEEEN the couple and whatever relationship contract
they have that is on THEIR relationship table..
and that involves invisible clauses....including the maritial verson of

It stopped being between the couple as soon as the husband added another person into the mix, started swapping bodily fluids, and then brought said person up into his wife's home, which is supposed to be a safe place and the one place where someone should feel secure.

At this point, they are a threesome so the wife may as well know everything that everyone else knows. It's only fair.

 

[prettyFine]

i can't speak for the others but as a wife i wanted to know and still want to know if it ever happens in my current marraige. for me i don't want to live a lie in some fairy tale thinking all is well and cool and he's sexing some other chic. also i wouldn't want to live the embarassment of everyone else knowing i'm being violated and my not knowing. also i wouldn't want to live in danger as hiv and aids is running strong amongst cheating spouses and its a very real threat. i would want to end it if he's hell bent on cheating. the faster i fall out of love with him the quicker i can go on with my life and find someone else. and thats exactly what i did. i wish the orig poster the same blessing. and i hope his wife finds out about his cheating ###.

 

[prettyFine]

Put yourself in her shoes: you're married and have kids with this man. Yet he's been having a 2 year affair and possibility sleeping with a ton of other women. He even brings them into the home you and your children live in. Would you not want to know asap what is going on from one of these women? Sure, you may find out on your own eventually, but that could be 1 month, 6 months, 2 years etc after the some other woman was pondering whether to tell you or not. Imo, it's easier for him to do his **** and get away with it because he goes on trips.

i'm with you on this one. i think sista's need to start working together and not in competition. put themselves in the other sista's shoes. send that man packing back to his own home because you yourself wouldn't want to be cheated on. let the other sista know what that man is doing along with some proof **a pic a tie or something**. also start thinking making better decisions instead of thinkin about the game. case in point another chic i was talkin to said she'd not leave the man just so the other chic wouldn't get him. now thats some real bullsh#t! you are halting your progress risking your life stunting your life decisions so another person won't get what neither of you should want? that doesn't even sound right. like i said forget the game make the right decision for you and help another sista out when you can. and another thing these men need to stop all of this dam cheating. ladies raise your young sons to respect women. open doors for them. teach him to not date 17 other chics if he's in a relationship. only do that when he's single and dating its ok then. to treat a sista like he'd want another dude to treat you. or another dude to treat his own sista. simple strategies. this cheating aids and can't stay married thing many brotha's are doing is old and played. also sista's start making them respect you. if he cheats kick his ### out. if he wants to cheat with you lose respect for him for even asking then make him kick rocks. don't tolerate a relationship bum.

 

[Evolving78]

been there and yes i would want to know. you better have documentation to back your story up and after you tell her, leave him alone and change your number. i'm serious.

 

[Kimiche]

I have all the info because I finally did some serious investigative work. Already confronted him- thats done. Married women- would you want to know or not? Or should I just leave it alone? I am heartbroken by the way he lied to me and said he was divorced.

I've been through this situation before, the only difference is that the wife is the one who called me. Long story.

I met this fool years ago in the country where my family is originally from on a trip I took. I was young at the time and wasn't looking for a relationship, so we were just friends then. We lost contact with each other. Fast forward to early 2000 when we ran into each other again when I went back there.

He told me that he had a child with his as he called her "baby mama." I accepted the fact that he had a child (I usually don't date men who have kids) because I really liked him. We started talking again and eventually started dating seriously (so I thought). It ended up being a long distance relationship but he came to visit me and I went to visit him many times. He promised that he would move here so that we could be together.

I started hearing rumors from family members that he was married. The arsehole denied that he was even married and that I shouldn't listen to people because they were trying to break us up. My DUMB and YOUNG behind believed him and kept it moving because I was so in love. Yeah ladies don't stone me, I was young and stupid back then and that was my first so called relationship, but I am a grown woman now.

One day he asked me to check his email for him because he was getting an important email and his computer wasn't working. I checked that message and decided to snoop some more, glad I did that. He had sent his brother an email telling him to tell their mom that his wife lost her baby. I had the proof right there in front of my face. I confronted him about it and the ***** hung up on me because he knew that he had gotten caught and it was over. I didn't have to try to contact wifey because she had already found out. His wife contacted me not too long afterwards to tell me that she is his wife, they have their child together and to leave them alone, which I did.

He called me trying to tell me that they were actually separated and he didn't think I would get involved with him knowing that he was married and he didn't want to hurt me and blah blah blah.
Fool Please!!!!! I've been there sony, so I feel your pain. If wifey hadn't contacted me, then I would've probably tried to get in contact with her.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I have all the info because I finally did some serious investigative work. Already confronted him- thats done. Married women- would you want to know or not? Or should I just leave it alone? I am heartbroken by the way he lied to me and said he was divorced.

I am sure many folks here have given great advice but I have a feeling you probably won't listen. Why? because he hurt you and you want to make him pay. Trust me it is not worth it. This can only get worse if you continue to talk to him or contact the wife. Basically what he is doing is something he has done before and is not going to stop. You could tell the wife and she does not do anything about it and stays. That I am sure will annoy you.

Please listen to the advice you are getting here and walk away. One day you will look back and say thank goodness I did. Remember Karma is a B**ch so if you try to make matters worse for this guy just cause he broke your heart then you too will pay for that one day. Now that your eyes have been open you can make a clean break without hurting anyone. He will most definately pay for what he is doing there is no doubt about that but leave it to a higher being to punish him.

The wife did not do anything to you and yes maybe she deserves to know but honestly I don't think hearing it from the mistress is the best thing. She will forever have a hatred in her heart for you. I rather you be left as a mystery women cause you never know who you are dealing with and what kind of drama you are inviting into your life by talking to her.

 

[HoneyA]

Leave it alone now OP. Trust me, if the wife does not already know, she'll find out in due course what type of man she's married to. It may take a month, a year, two years, but she will find out and you won't need to do a thing. Focus on you now.

 

[-Volare]

I would want to know, point blank.

 

[MissJ]

I was going to put my ex who cheated on blast. I had an elaborate plan, but I finally did not do it. Wish I had, though.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

I would rather God tell me (or show me how to find out) than his side woman.

 

[Jazzmommy]

I would want to know...absolutely

 

[LongiLox]

Where is the cheater's responsbilty in all of this..and the wife ..it's their nmarriage ..their decisions


The marriage..dynamics problems infidelity is betwen the husband and wife ...whatever is going down.....Cheating is allowed to go on unchecked because of that
NOT because of a decision the OP makes to tell or not

how many have told? and the wife ...didn't believe or justified it or was in denial ..because it really IS ultimately between the cheating husband and wife..

karma..taking care of one's self..that's kind out of context
it's the whole..gestalt

it's about being honest about one's intentions and then getting real
about personal power and limitation....

OP is merely the person..the man is commiting infidelity with
not savior or the fixer... and I'm guessing....not the first or last woman
the guy is cheating with ...

she is not responsible for anything....except stopping the affair on her end
and then examining what opened the door to that to prevent a recurrence
especially with the same guy....that stops the cheating..... from her particpation and that is poweful...that is healing....

upsetting as it ...and it is....std's the wife may or may not get...has to do
with the wife being responsible in her marriage
for her own safety and well being....
OP can't rescue that

God does care for us..He's not a good luck charm or a roll of the dice
it's not just as simple as God cares for those who cares for themselves..
tho it can be...

He is aSuper Power..who cares intimately...and deeply and He works it out...together...
you believe that or you don't
but to counter-use that ...to justify further involvement
is feeding into the powers of dissention.

OP spoke well when she said She believes the LOrd will show this woman....
that registers as a prayer
and that is caring and loving and
powerful...

The cheater already feels that he has no responsibility, that's why he's cheating in the first place. He feels he has no responsbility to be loyal and faithful to his wife or honest with his "girlfriend". And as for the wife, what responsibility is she supposed to have when she doesn't even know her husband is stepping out on her. The only other option that I see she has in terms of "responsibility" is to follow him every where he goes to ensure that he's not cheating on her.

I would want to know.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I would rather God tell me (or show me how to find out) than his side woman.

Would you be upsed if God showed you after you caught and STD (maybe HIV)? Because this is how many women find out...

I would want to know.....

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

You'd you be upsed if God showed you after you caught and STD (maybe HIV)? Because this is how many women find out...

I would want to know.....

I would be upset either way, but let's face it. 99% of women who "inform the wife" have the motivate to destroy. I don't think that the other woman could ever have the wife's interest at heart, so I believe that in God telling me or showing me, my true interest is being considered.

Hurt people make other people hurt people. That's me. I dont want no phone calls while I am catering to my baby talkin about he was humpin me for years. There is never a good time or place to find out your man is cheating, but I am just not down from hearing from her.

 

[Mortons]

Maybe God wanted the other woman to tell you.

I would want to know. The first person I ever dated was cheating on their fiancee. I never told but, I'm sure in hindsight she would have wanted to know since she can no longer have kids because of my ex. Of course the cheater has moved on with a family and all.

 

[iCandyc]

I know it's your choice to make, but I was cheated on and I wish one of the ladies would have told me. I would have been so grateful.

Instead I found out a year or more later. God was watching over me because with the amount of cheating he was doing I was shocked to walk away with a clean slate (as far as STD's, emotionally I was a wreck).

I agree with you! I was in the same situation and wished those chicks were woman enough to come to me, there was one who knew abt me, she lived right next door used to see me w/him all the time and never said anything. I'm so thankful I came out of tht situation disease free as well but I must say it did mess me up a bit w/the way i treat men now..

 

[femalegold]

I agree with you! I was in the same situation and wished those chicks were woman enough to come to me, there was one who knew abt me, she lived right next door used to see me w/him all the time and never said anything. I'm so thankful I came out of tht situation disease free as well but I must say it did mess me up a bit w/the way i treat men now..

Some women want to know! I contacted the girlfriend/wife to let her know what was going on she told me I was being unprofessional and to never contact her again. I guess some women don't care.

 

[Shimmie]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's not the end all for your life and future. As humans we all 'stumble', yet it's the grace of God and His love for us that picks us up loves us without counting our falls. There's much joy for you ahead in life. There are far more men who are good than those who are not.

Tell the wife and then move on and don't look back (except as a reminder to know more about the men you date in the future).

Whether the wife believes you or not, she still needs to know. These days too many diseases have been placing spouses/couples/partners of any and every gender/sexual preference (straight and gay) at serious risks. She needs to know and to have herself tested; and tested frequently if she stays with him.

Have yourself tested as well, if you have been intimate with him. Condoms are not foolproof.

I wish you joy in place of heartache and that you will have the right man in your life who will never let you down. They are around..yes they are .

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. lot of love and hugs being sent to you honey.
:blowkiss:
(i didnt' read all of the posts yet). Please do tell the wife but not while she is at work. Someone called me at work about my ex and it's just not a good thing to breakdown in front of your co-workers with something so personal.

I still believe there are good men and you will find yours. I believe!

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Good post!

I am sure many folks here have given great advice but I have a feeling you probably won't listen. Why? because he hurt you and you want to make him pay. Trust me it is not worth it. This can only get worse if you continue to talk to him or contact the wife. Basically what he is doing is something he has done before and is not going to stop. You could tell the wife and she does not do anything about it and stays. That I am sure will annoy you.

Please listen to the advice you are getting here and walk away. One day you will look back and say thank goodness I did. Remember Karma is a B**ch so if you try to make matters worse for this guy just cause he broke your heart then you too will pay for that one day. Now that your eyes have been open you can make a clean break without hurting anyone. He will most definately pay for what he is doing there is no doubt about that but leave it to a higher being to punish him.

The wife did not do anything to you and yes maybe she deserves to know but honestly I don't think hearing it from the mistress is the best thing. She will forever have a hatred in her heart for you. I rather you be left as a mystery women cause you never know who you are dealing with and what kind of drama you are inviting into your life by talking to her.

 

[LaidBak]

OP you are not alone. Thanks for this thread.

 

[Ruchita Ayurveda]

Sorry you went through this, sonya. As a wife, I personally would want to know but I have a friend who has told me she wouldn't want to know. I feel you have to respect that. You just don't know how this lady will react nor the man, as other posters have pointed out. The best thing is to protect yourself from this mess and go on with the blessings in your life.

 

[Poohbear]

It's so hard to let go, but it's the best thing to do. Leave him and anyone else in his life alone. If you decide to seek revenge in some kind of way, all it's going to do is cause more drama. Even if you go and tell his wife, it still may not change his behavior and she still may stay with him. It's still not going to help you get your way.

Romans 12:17-21 says...

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Hope that helps.

 

[prettyFine]

i can't tell you what to do but i would want to know. and since you bowed out once you found out i think the dude deserves for his wife to know and she should respect you for letting her know given your respectable actions. he is a slithering snake. and he's really hurting his family. his wife is also living in danger if she does not know. do you have any idea how many wives get HIV from dudes like this one? do you really think this dude uses protection 100% of the time? if he has a wife he's not going to want to use one because we wives don't make them use one. so he is putting his precious wife in danger. she deserves to make an informed opinion about her marraige.

 

[prettyFine]

It stopped being between the couple as soon as the husband added another person into the mix, started swapping bodily fluids, and then brought said person up into his wife's home, which is supposed to be a safe place and the one place where someone should feel secure.

At this point, they are a threesome so the wife may as well know everything that everyone else knows. It's only fair.

i agree. he opened that door and brought someone else in. so the wife should know there is a third party in their marraige when she thinks there's only the 2 of them. people get killed, get std's, and all kinds of things happen when third parties are added into marraiges....and unlike some triflin chics the OP left the situation and i highly respect her for doing what was right! now if the husband can only have that same respect for his wife.....until then the cheating will not stop.