He Left The Country Without Telling Me
- Thread starter Leylu
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LivingInPeace
Well-Known Member
That's what you have to figure out. Do some reflection on what took you so outside yourself so you don't repeat it. Were you under the impression that he was your last chance at love?
Leylu
Well-Known Member
Thank you Honey Bee. I realize its me and that hurts as well.
I think I stayed because where I am, my dating options are limited and I thought I lucked up to have caught the eye of someone I considered attractive, with a nice paying job, and who was a homebody in a lot of ways like me. He was also older and early in the relationship, I thought that would equal maturity and that I wouldn't have to put up with the games that these younger guys play...boy, was I wrong. But it's me that allowed him to do those things...
You wanted to hear other stories of betrayal because misery loves company and you don't want to think you're the only person in the world who's been played. I understand that very clearly.
You expressed being hurt behind this. How about a more useful emotion......ANGER? I don't mean the kind of anger that makes you do something malicious. I'm talking about the anger where you become indignant/intolerant/unforgiving towards the dude. This little shift will rearrange your whole thought process around this mess of a relationship.
People treat you according to how you teach them.
Dust off, get your head right, and count your blessings for finding out about him before he has another chance to disrespect you.
You expressed being hurt behind this. How about a more useful emotion......ANGER? I don't mean the kind of anger that makes you do something malicious. I'm talking about the anger where you become indignant/intolerant/unforgiving towards the dude. This little shift will rearrange your whole thought process around this mess of a relationship.
People treat you according to how you teach them.
Dust off, get your head right, and count your blessings for finding out about him before he has another chance to disrespect you.
Leylu
Well-Known Member
About the Facetime. I know...I'm an idiot for staying after that. I think I stayed just to make sure he didn't have any time to fly this chick in the next week. Sad.
I didn't expect you to be 30 and I assumed a much larger age gap between you two. It doesn't sound like you guys were in a relationship.
You work in the same dept or at least in the same university and his secretary doesn't know you are together?
He was keeping things on the low because he was still publicly dating.
Booo to him and don't let anyone else keep you secret or allow you to get mad enough to slash tires. Get mad and walk away.
ETA: Just re-read... You overheard a sexual Facetime, as in he was doing that in front of you. I feel like I'm being had.
Yes, we were in an exclusive relationship. We decided to be exclusive after he would get mad that one of my long-distant ex-boyfriends (who I did not want), kept contacting me.
About work, we both thought it might cause gossipy conversation if we were coworkers dating. For the sake of own careers, we thought it best to keep things private since it was so new.
Leylu
Well-Known Member
No this is a fair question. And I wouldn't have started a thread just to shrink away from the tough questions. I need to be self-reflexive at this point.
I've had steady, well-grounded relationships. I'm usually the one that ends it...either because I decide to move for career reasons, or I just decide they are not what I'm looking for. It's been pretty easy for me to walk away. I don't know what happened here.
onyxdreams
Well-Known Member
Leylu,
My heart breaks for you!
Listen, I think you need to take this week to gather yourself.this relationship is clearly unhealthy for you. I truly believe the underline issues are your age and options, both subjects causing you to hold tight to this guy. You have been acting desperate and he has been treating you as such. Please stop all contact with him and rebuild your self esteem,so you can find a healthy relationship.
My heart breaks for you!
Listen, I think you need to take this week to gather yourself.this relationship is clearly unhealthy for you. I truly believe the underline issues are your age and options, both subjects causing you to hold tight to this guy. You have been acting desperate and he has been treating you as such. Please stop all contact with him and rebuild your self esteem,so you can find a healthy relationship.
LivingInPeace
Well-Known Member
Was the sex really good? Big dick? Did he put it on you like that?
hopeful
Well-Known Member
*** him. Seriously. You won't be betrayed over and over again by the same guy if you leave at the first betrayal. You are not alone. Many of us have listened to words and promises over actions. It's okay. But try your best to learn from this, grow, love yourself more. And really girl, *** him. Lose his number and don't even give him an opportunity to explain. Move on, let it and him go. He is taking advantage of you being gullible, kind-hearted, and hopeful. Only you can stop the craziness.
Dposh167
Well-Known Member
Honestly don't beat yourself up about it. You haven't invested that much time with the ninja to feel too bad. At least it wasn't years and years invested. I think it's safe to say that u found enough out about this man and the conclusion is HE CANT BE TRUSTED. The gut along with female intuition is very powerful. Free yourself from this bullshyt. I did the same last year with my sneaky boyfriend and it has felt like a load has lifted off my shoulder. Sure I'm single now and sometimes lonely but inner peace is so much more comfortable than going through a man's phone
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
how do people live like this
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
They can't be that limited. The man you described is a whoremonger. Imo, your 'picker' is off. You have to have some sort of screening process before you get to the point where it actually hurts to break up. Age is no indication of how decent a guy will be.
curlicarib
Lovin'' All of Me
This is so silly I don't want to believe it's true.....................but just in case it is................
1. "I’ve been going through his phone from January-April until I was caught. During that time, I discovered him sending and receiving nude pics. After this, please explain why you stayed with him?
2. I overheard a sexual Facetime call with a white girl who he was agreeing to fly to our city the next week." After this, please explain why you stayed with him?
3. "He even told me he was in Chicago visiting his daughter and I found out he was in New York with his ex-girlfriend." After this, please explain why you stayed with him?
4. "I've caught him at another woman's house and slashed all 4 of his tires. He agreed to not press charges and we agreed to make this work." After this, please explain why you stayed with him?
See where I'm going? You are too old to not know that this is pure foolishness. That man don't want you. He wants easy pussy. That's what you are to him. I suggest you go get yourself some self esteem and walk away from this mess before you do more foolishness.
Don't feel too bad, we have all done stupid. Now you know. Don't let it happen again.
1. "I’ve been going through his phone from January-April until I was caught. During that time, I discovered him sending and receiving nude pics. After this, please explain why you stayed with him?
2. I overheard a sexual Facetime call with a white girl who he was agreeing to fly to our city the next week." After this, please explain why you stayed with him?
3. "He even told me he was in Chicago visiting his daughter and I found out he was in New York with his ex-girlfriend." After this, please explain why you stayed with him?
4. "I've caught him at another woman's house and slashed all 4 of his tires. He agreed to not press charges and we agreed to make this work." After this, please explain why you stayed with him?
See where I'm going? You are too old to not know that this is pure foolishness. That man don't want you. He wants easy pussy. That's what you are to him. I suggest you go get yourself some self esteem and walk away from this mess before you do more foolishness.
Don't feel too bad, we have all done stupid. Now you know. Don't let it happen again.
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natural2008
Well-Known Member
How will you handle seeing him in the workplace environment?
OP some of us have been where you are, taking a man back and hoping he will change. You have to decide when enough is enough. I know you say you are leaving but that is easier said than done when you see the person daily, since y'all work together. The good news is that you've only invested a few months into this "relationship". Some women invest years and have nothing to show but heartache and pain. Distance your self from the toxic man who is not seeing your worth. It hurts but he truly is showing you that he doesn't value you with his actions. You just have to be strong and know that there is someone better out there for you.
moneychaser
Well-Known Member
Not the op, but I can answer this for her in saying YES! You just need to withdraw yourself from the peen. Block his number, delete his social media pages, order a vibrator and find a hobby.
Please do not let this guy continue to disrespect you and compromise your dignity.
Edited to add: When you get the urge to contact him just remember that he cheated on you with a BECKY!! I would be so disgusted.
That's the part that stuck with me. The fact that a 30 year old woman with a good job and who paints herself as a professional would be out slashing tires because of some man. I did some crazy mess in my earlier 20s when I was scorned once but as a woman in my 30s I have too much to lose. No way would I jeopardize my career and well being for any man. OP he has you looking crazy.
Oh and OP here is a thread which may help...https://longhaircareforum.com/threads/thread-for-the-heartbroken.646069/
TayMac
Well-Known Member
Well OP let this be your "rock bottom"...the final straw. Read back over those things that you wrote about how he treated you. Y'all were not in a exclusive relationship from the start.
A lot of men will not walk away (or stay away) as long we leave the door open for them to come back in.
A lot of men will not walk away (or stay away) as long we leave the door open for them to come back in.
Lucie
Dancin' on sunshine!
I am so angry reading what you wrote! Some men are just awful!
You received great advice, and I hope you follow it. You are still young, and can heal from this. The signs were there, but many of us choose not to heed them. Move on, without him. I know it is not easy, but dealing with disrespect is not what you deserve. All the best to you. (((HUGS)))
You received great advice, and I hope you follow it. You are still young, and can heal from this. The signs were there, but many of us choose not to heed them. Move on, without him. I know it is not easy, but dealing with disrespect is not what you deserve. All the best to you. (((HUGS)))
movingforward13
I do what I want...
Please check out this website too when you have a moment www.survivinginfidelity.com.
It is gear more toward married folks, however infidelity affects us all. Read through some of the threads and see if they resonate. You may become weak when he gets back and tries to see you. Stay firm. He cheated and you will NOT allow his BS.
No man who loves a woman will disappear to another country on her and I promise you, he isn't alone. Cut him OFF!
It is gear more toward married folks, however infidelity affects us all. Read through some of the threads and see if they resonate. You may become weak when he gets back and tries to see you. Stay firm. He cheated and you will NOT allow his BS.
No man who loves a woman will disappear to another country on her and I promise you, he isn't alone. Cut him OFF!
msbettyboop
Well-Known Member
You're the one who needs to walk away from all the mess and drama. The moment you start feeling like you need to go through a man's phone, it's time to go.
He's shown you who he is. Now believe him....
He's shown you who he is. Now believe him....
luckiestdestiny
Well-Known Member
Huge co sign.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself: Why is this happening to me, why why, etc etc
make better choices. Cut dude lose. Any dude who makes you feel like you have to check a phone in the future cut lose right away period. Don't beat yourself up. Think of it as filtering until your picker gets better. By doing this your energy will start to shoot out different signals and you'll attract better men but it will take time for your energy to go from victim wa wha to I'm a woman who accepts the best only. So in the mean time filter. Filter right away. Filter fast. Don't second guess. Anytime a red light goes off leave. And keep doing it till you find a good guy. Of course go through soul searching, get therapy, read books or whatever but in the meantime this is what you can do that is action oriented to change your future right now while you work on you.
Don't stay. Don't be embarrassed by being needy, stop being needy by doing something different through actions. Eventually your actions will match your beliefs about what you deserve but you have to lead with actions first until you can fix your mind.
natural2008
Well-Known Member
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Get a plan together now for when he returns with his lie and cards and flowers and sob story. Everyone wants to feel loved and connected. You would be surprised at how loved and connected you can feel when you share and connect and have fun with friends and relatives. Take charge of your life. Meet up with friends for happy hour, get a mani pedi, try something new and fun, take good care of you. Do the best you can. Go no contact with this dummy. And again, *** him, can't repeat that enough. He's a predator. You don't want to be anybody's prey.
Theresamonet
Well-Known Member
Y'all have only been seeing each other since December... It's May... How/why does this "hurt so bad"? Why is your heart broken? Why do you need an escape plan and a link to an infidelity hotline, to get away from someone you've only been with for 5 months, and has been giving you grief since the beginning? Op, you're seeking to fill some type of void. You need to figure out what's going on with YOU.
luckiestdestiny
Well-Known Member
Agreed with all but I think part of the plan should be to cut him off completely. Don't even answer the door for cards, flowers, or some ridiculous sob story.
I think at this stage she should just cut him off unless they're living together or something. Even so if they are: In that case have his stuff sent to whoever and he will get the message. I don't think an explanation is warranted. He KNOWS he's wrong. Explaining it to him will only give him time to turn it around on you. He knows. He doesn't need an explanation. And at this point I don't know if she's strong enough to listen to his sob story and see his face without buckling so maybe a strong cut off is necessary. He'll get the hint if you don't answer his calls, don't talk to him, don't answer the door when he comes over. This is a jerk he doesn't deserve an explanation. And he won't give you closure if you expect that: only lies, manipulation and possibly trying to turn it around on you. So if you're expecting (OP) a sort of "This is why I'm breaking up with you type of moment" where he realizes he's wrong you aren't going to get it. AND even if he did and repented you shouldn't want a man whose taking sex calls from who knows where via facetime (and doing who knows what behind your back). Have some dignity. IF you don't have any let this thread be a wake up call so that you can find a way to do the "action" that will put you in a position to learn what it's like to have some dignity and self respect.
Like what else do you NEED?
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Jas123
The Star of a Story
I used to think this too, but young players grow into old players.
