He Left The Country Without Telling Me

[ChasingBliss]

We've been dating since December. I’ve been going through his phone from January-April until I was caught. During that time, I discovered him sending and receiving nude pics. I overheard a sexual Facetime call with a white girl who he was agreeing to fly to our city the next week. He even told me he was in Chicago visiting his daughter and I found out he was in New York with his ex-girlfriend. I've caught him at another woman's house and slashed all 4 of his tires. He agreed to not press charges and we agreed to make this work.

I can't believe someone would spend all weekend with you to turn around and do something so low.
If he didn't want to be together, he could've just walked away.

The bolded in red needs to be looked at again because if it was, the bolded in black would never be said. He was SHOWING you who and what he was all along.

 

[hopeful]

@luckiestdestiny , that's why I said she should go no contact. Men like that love you to be crying and sharing how you feel and how hurt you are. You will be crying and they will look concerned and sorrowful, but on the inside they will be and and planning how to use you and hurt you again. ITA totally, go completely ghost on him. He is disgusting.

 

[Ivonnovi]

When someone shows you who they are......
BELIEVE THEM!!!!
OR else you'll find yourself doing this:
AND feeling like this:OR this:

He has clearly demonstrated that he doesn't respect nor really "want" you (as the woman in his life). He's still "seeing" you because HE CAN; and he'll keep disrespecting you because HE CAN, unless you slam the breaks on that Shituation.


On one of her shows Betty White once said: "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one". I kid, but really don't wallow in self-pity, go out , have fun and collect some numbers...but keep your wits about you.​

 

[natural2008]

Op, please don't take this the wrong way: Go and get tested.

Like NOW. He doesn't care about anything. He's living a careless life.

 

[Leylu]

I’m late but thank you all for making me face the truth. Some of my girls made me go out to eat and to karaoke. I left karaoke early though because sadness was creeping in. Can’t believe I’m single again. Everytime I get into a relationship, I always feel like its over before it even starts. My friends kept laughing at the last text message he sent me on Monday which ended with “I’m not cheating nor am I planning to cheat on you.” As if we are still together for him to cheat on me at this point. I’m literally floored.

 

[Keen]

I’m late but thank you all for making me face the truth. Some of my girls made me go out to eat and to karaoke. I left karaoke early though because sadness was creeping in. Can’t believe I’m single again. Everytime I get into a relationship, I always feel like its over before it even starts. My friends kept laughing at the last text message he sent me on Monday which ended with “I’m not cheating nor am I going to cheat on you.” As if we are still together for him to cheat on me at this point. I’m literally floored.

I'm glad your friends are there for you. You need support right now.

But why wouldn't he think you guys are still together? You have accepted a lot from him which tells him you will accept more. I hope you are serious about not being together with him anymore. If you want a serious relationship, this guy is not it. You need to free yourself emotionally for a guy who really care about you. The best revenge is to get over him by the time he come back. I know, easier said...

 

[Leylu]

How will you handle seeing him in the workplace environment?

We don’t have to see each other. Our offices are in different parts of campus. When things started to get rocky, I also applied for other jobs (in a new state) because I did realize that he was making me miserable. I'm hoping one of them comes through.

he sounds like a narcissist...op they is a very useful thread here on that subject

good luck.

I think you're on to something. The last message I sent to him was that he was emotionally, mentally, verbally, and physically abusive. He always blames everything on me. I think he might be a narcissist as well because everything always revolves around him, never me and my feelings. If you find this thread before I do, can you post the link please? Thanks.

 

[Kindheart]

An ex boyfriend told me this "Give your love to a man who deserves it".

I like that

 

[Kindheart]

@luckiestdestiny , that's why I said she should go no contact. Men like that love you to be crying and sharing how you feel and how hurt you are. You will be crying and they will look concerned and sorrowful, but on the inside they will be and and planning how to use you and hurt you again. ITA totally, go completely ghost on him. He is disgusting.

I agree ,they will feel pleasure by seeing you hurt ,I would also add (cuz I see it with a lot of hurt friends) NO sad ,emotional or faux-spiritual quotes on any social media ,NO sad status/pics on whatsapp . No matter how much you hurt let them wonder what's up with you without ever contacting them again.

 

[KimPossibli]

OP just ghost this person...

nothing good is in that direction.

Come here or go to your friends if you want to get angry or cry.. but that person shouldn't get anymore of your time..

 

[Atthatday]

@Leylu: Per your request, the link is below.

I pray this is helpful. Please keep your head up, it's HIS loss, not yours!!! HUGS!!

https://www.longhaircareforum.com/threads/how-to-spot-a-narcissist-and-why-you-attract-them.717999/

 

[C@ssandr@]

Every angle of this situation seems to be covered. But I just want to ask something for the sake of self reflection...why are you so hung up on this guy only 5 months into this relationship,especially since hes been treating you bad the whole time? Why was any of this acceptable? What makes him so special? It sounds like he's tolerating you coming around and you keep walking into it. Just stop it.

Iunno man, you really shouldn't be crying over him. Really. Seriously. It sounds like you guys weren't really together. Get some hobbies, learn to like yourself, and focus on work cus he's not really the problem.

I know walking away maybe hard because you may not see it all now, but at least put some space between you guys starting now for clarity's sake

 

[TrulyBlessed]

The last message I sent to him was that he was emotionally, mentally, verbally, and physically abusive.

Are you saying that he has physically abused you on top of the other abuse he has put you through? I pray that you begin to love yourself enough to know that your safety, health and peace of mind always come before anyone that enters your life. It's easy to want to settle but the outcome is detrimental to your well being and will do nothing but put you deeper into a black hole filled with unhappiness, doubt, and low self esteem. I agree with the others in finding hobbies to help fill the void and prevent you from making any man the center of your universe. From then you will attract healthier relationships and recognize the red flags from those who don't belong in your life and have the courage to act accordingly.

 

[Chrismiss]

I have a friend that just went on vacation out of the country without telling his own wife of 20 years. Dudes like that don't change. Keep it moving and stop letting him live in your head rent free. And for goodness sake, don't let his lack of character land you in jail. He's never been what you thought he was.

 

[HairNinja]

Op, please don't take this the wrong way: Go and get tested.

I was so going to post this. Thanks and no offense it's nasty out here in these streets

 

[gingertea]

Some women invest years and have nothing to show but heartache and pain.

This has been my experience in the past...wasted years, tears and emotions, smh ... I wish I could go back and slap some sense into my former self, but she was too hard-headed and had to learn her lessons the hard way...

 

[Lymegreen]

We don’t have to see each other. Our offices are in different parts of campus. When things started to get rocky, I also applied for other jobs (in a new state) because I did realize that he was making me miserable. I'm hoping one of them comes through.


I think you're on to something. The last message I sent to him was that he was emotionally, mentally, verbally, and physically abusive. He always blames everything on me. I think he might be a narcissist as well because everything always revolves around him, never me and my feelings. If you find this thread before I do, can you post the link please? Thanks.

This was my first thought. Is it possible to move to a new state and start fresh somewhere else? The best revenge is living well. Make sure you keep yourself winning in matters of the heart. He doesn't deserve one more second of your time. EVER!

 

[Jasmataz]

stop letting him live in your head rent free.

I like this

 

[SheenaVee]

I really don't want to seem insensitive here but:

You've been with this dude only 6 months yet you're heart broken and you even went as far as slashing his tyres?

Again:

In that 6 months he seems to have cheated on and/or disrespected you in a number of ways, yet you're shocked that he would leave the country without telling you.

Great advice has already been given to you, OP, I hope you take it.

 

[Leylu]

Y'all have only been seeing each other since December... It's May... How/why does this "hurt so bad"? Why is your heart broken? Why do you need an escape plan and a link to an infidelity hotline, to get away from someone you've only been with for 5 months, and has been giving you grief since the beginning? Op, you're seeking to fill some type of void. You need to figure out what's going on with YOU.

We were dating for about 5 months prior, we made it official 5 months later in early December. I never asked for an escape plan or link to an infidelity hotline. I think I just wanted a place to vent and express my shock.

Op, please don't take this the wrong way: Go and get tested.

I have.

I agree ,they will feel pleasure by seeing you hurt ,I would also add (cuz I see it with a lot of hurt friends) NO sad ,emotional or faux-spiritual quotes on any social media ,NO sad status/pics on whatsapp . No matter how much you hurt let them wonder what's up with you without ever contacting them again.

He's not on social media but I'm not posting anything anyway. I never post about my relationship drama on social media. I'm pretty private in that regard.

I plan for him to never know what happened to me.

 

[Leylu]

But why wouldn't he think you guys are still together? You have accepted a lot from him which tells him you will accept more.

You're right. For some reason I guess I just felt like either he would use this opportunity to walk away or he would know this is the end and that there's no coming back. But maybe you're right and maybe this is all a game to him. I can't imagine he will contact me when he comes back on Friday, but I am booking a hotel in another city to stay there this weekend.

 

[Chrismiss]

We were dating for about 5 months prior, we made it official 5 months later in early December. I never asked for an escape plan or link to an infidelity hotline. I think I just wanted a place to vent and express my shock.


I have.


You're right. For some reason I guess I just felt like either he would use this opportunity to walk away or he would know this is the end and that there's no coming back. But maybe you're right and maybe this is all a game to him. I can't imagine he will contact me when he comes back on Friday, but I am booking a hotel in another city to stay there this weekend.

Why would he walk away? He's getting everything he wants. And why would he think there's no coming back? This is mild compared to what he's been caught doing before and he was allowed to come back from those things. You are the one getting the short end of the stick.

 

[summertimewine]

So you didn't leave him once you actually started applying for jobs to get away from him?!
OP everyone in here is really nice so continue reading their messages a skip mine if you're looking for that.

But what the living hayle are you doing?! What is wrong with you?! You need to take a deep breathe and put some big breaks on dating because if you'll accept ALLADAT then something is real wrong in your heart and mind. Not only do you need to cut this scumbag leech of a man out of your life but you need some serious self reflection. Love is not to give and never receive. You've been giving your love to all the wrong people so now you sound jaded because you've never received any in return. I can't say what exactly is wrong but I would highly suggest not dating and investing in your friendships, and finding the root cause of your dating turmoil.

 

[Nyssa28]

In the end, it's up to you to act on what you know in regards to staying or leaving. Whatever the decision, please come back and update once he returns.

 

[LiftedUp]

@Leylu

Not to make light of the situation, but I've always wondered how does one go about slashing tyres. That's thick rubber!

 

[Leylu]

So you didn't leave him once you actually started applying for jobs to get away from him?!
OP everyone in here is really nice so continue reading their messages a skip mine if you're looking for that.

But what the living hayle are you doing?! What is wrong with you?! You need to take a deep breathe and put some big breaks on dating because if you'll accept ALLADAT then something is real wrong in your heart and mind. Not only do you need to cut this scumbag leech of a man out of your life but you need some serious self reflection. Love is not to give and never receive. You've been giving your love to all the wrong people so now you sound jaded because you've never received any in return. I can't say what exactly is wrong but I would highly suggest not dating and investing in your friendships, and finding the root cause of your dating turmoil.

It was after the tire slashing. I felt like I had reached my breaking point so I started applying for jobs in a new state. I couldn't sleep and I was worried about having to deal with charges. We ended up talking about it, he ended up forgiving me, being all sweet and saying he would make sure nothing would ever happen to me because of this and that he wasn't pressing charges. He claimed he didn't even file it with the car insurance because he was afraid they would make him go through with a case to recoup damages. A couple days later we ended up getting back together and agreeing to really give this a second chance. I actually believed he was serious since he had compassion enough to not press charges.

 

[hopeful]

OMG I hate this guy! Had you feeling bad about slashing his ****** tires because of something he did. Wow! He forgave you??? Seriously? He is a master manipulator! You will never win, never with him. Because you are sweet and want love and he is devious and cruel. He who cares less wins. Woo chile let me get outta of this thread, gonna get my pressure up and I don't even have high blood pressure. Run run run far away.

 

[Cattypus1]

We've been dating since December. I’ve been going through his phone from January-April until I was caught. During that time, I discovered him sending and receiving nude pics. I overheard a sexual Facetime call with a white girl who he was agreeing to fly to our city the next week. He even told me he was in Chicago visiting his daughter and I found out he was in New York with his ex-girlfriend. I've caught him at another woman's house and slashed all 4 of his tires. He agreed to not press charges and we agreed to make this work.

But the thing that has really broken me is he left to go out of the country to Cancun Monday (yesterday) and I had no clue. We spent the entire weekend together, even all day Sunday and he didn’t mention that he was leaving the country the next day. We work at the same university and I thought I would see him the next day at work like normal but he wasn’t there. Before I went in, I even texted him telling him to have a good day at work and he responded with “Thanks! You too!” I asked his secretary (who doesn’t know we are dating) if he was in his office, she told me he was on vacation out of the country. My heart dropped.

I was racking my brain trying to figure out where he went. I remembered a text from a travel agent that I found in his phone about Cancun, but he never mentioned it and we were planning to travel for my birthday around the same time so I assumed he never booked the trip. I never bought it up because I didn’t want him to know I was going through his phone. Completely forgot about it until now. I called him, he was already at the airport boarding his flight. At first he claimed he was going to visit his mom in Ohio but I knew that was a lie because he would’ve just driven those 3 hours. I asked him was he going to Cancun and he said yes.

When I asked how he could do this to me, to pretend he was going in to work the next day when he was leaving the country, he got angry and started yelling about he didn’t want to tell me because he knew I would be on some bull. He claims he is going for his mother’s 67th birthday celebration and that he is not cheating on me and has no plans to cheat.

I’m trying to figure out how he thought disappearing for a week was going to go over smoothly. I know I have to move on but this hurts like hell. I can't believe someone would spend all weekend with you to turn around and do something so low. If he didn't want to be together, he could've just walked away.

No ma'am, just stop. I concur with a previous poster who said when someone shows you who they are believe them. Good luck to you.

 

[DarkJoy]

I can't imagine he will contact me when he comes back on Friday, but I am booking a hotel in another city to stay there this weekend.

...but why spend alladat money and time getting to another city to avoid this jack off? Dont let this fool or your emotions run you out of your own home.

 

[KimPossibli]

wait.. slashing of tires? how did I miss that part..

I'm back to not being sure I believe this