She's telling me to go for it but...

[tocktick]

I am not trying to pursue anything, as mentioned that is why I posted for some advice. I see that it is not a good idea and I am not going to try to get with him in any way. I would like to remain friends with him not because I want to stay in the picture but because he seems like a very intelligent and spiritual person that I have learned alot from even if it is through emails. I have plently of male friends who at one point either I was interested or they were interested and we did not cross that line and we are still friends but no longer have interest.
Again Karma is something I believe in and if he is with someone, there is no way I am going to try to get into that. As long as he continues to email me, I will continue to email him and that is how far it will go. We all be be tempted sometimes but our concious will not allow us to overstep our bounderies and do something we will regret.

Tbh, if I were you, I'd have a hard time finding someone who would willing pursue me whilst already in a relationship to be truly "spiritual". Unless, of course, he was part of a religion/belief system that advocates only doing completely as you please (e.g - Satanism). I'd also question his so-called intelligence.

Being friends with someone who previously was interested in you is not the issue at hand. The point is that he tried to get with you whilst dating another girl and then tried to play it off like it wasn't a thing. He really tried to play you for a fool, imo. You try to downplay your friendship as if it's all one-sided and dependent on him emailing you first - I don't think that's the case. You're allowing the friendship to "flourish". Obviously, it's your prerogative to be friends with such a person but it seems like keeping him in your life would be a bad idea.

Good luck in what ever course of action you take, OP.

 

[Makenzie]

Tbh, if I were you, I'd have a hard time finding someone who would willing pursue me whilst already in a relationship to be truly "spiritual". Unless, of course, he was part of a religion/belief system that advocates only doing completely as you please (e.g - Satanism). I'd also question his so-called intelligence.

Being friends with someone who previously was interested in you is not the issue at hand. The point is that he tried to get with you whilst dating another girl and then tried to play it off like it wasn't a thing. He really tried to play you for a fool, imo. You try to downplay your friendship as if it's all one-sided and dependent on him emailing you first - I don't think that's the case. You're allowing the friendship to "flourish". Obviously, it's your prerogative to be friends with such a person but it seems like keeping him in your life would be a bad idea.

Good luck in what ever course of action you take, OP.

Am I missing something? He never pursued her. She contacted him and he told her about his girlfriend/situation. He hasn't initiated any romantic overtures to her. His cousin said she she go for it. Now she wants to just keep in touch with him to be friends.

 

[brownelovely]

Am I missing something? He never pursued her. She contacted him and he told her about his girlfriend/situation. He hasn't initiated any romantic overtures to her. His cousin said she she go for it. Now she wants to just keep in touch with him to be friends.

I thought I had read something wrong too

 

[brownelovely]

I am not trying to pursue anything, as mentioned that is why I posted for some advice. I see that it is not a good idea and I am not going to try to get with him in any way. I would like to remain friends with him not because I want to stay in the picture but because he seems like a very intelligent and spiritual person that I have learned alot from even if it is through emails. I have plently of male friends who at one point either I was interested or they were interested and we did not cross that line and we are still friends but no longer have interest.
Again Karma is something I believe in and if he is with someone, there is no way I am going to try to get into that. As long as he continues to email me, I will continue to email him and that is how far it will go. We all be be tempted sometimes but our concious will not allow us to overstep our bounderies and do something we will regret.

I would'nt think you were trying to pursue anything had you not mentioned several times about his girl being in another country and you being right here. Being friends won't work at all. You seem to have other intentions and nothing good will come from this at all if you keep with the attitude you have.

My ex-bestie pursues guys that are already taken. What does she do you say? Well, she tries to be the shoulder they can lean on, the bff, confidant, "sister" rolleyes, etc...ummmmmm basically weasel her way into his life and secure a semi-permanent friendship. Trying to win him over when he's vunerable will only lead you to heartbreak. You DO NOT want to be in the middle of a breakup between people who are serious and especially when he's made it known to you.

Oh well, I've tried to help so good luck!

 

[tocktick]

Am I missing something? He never pursued her. She contacted him and he told her about his girlfriend/situation. He hasn't initiated any romantic overtures to her. His cousin said she she go for it. Now she wants to just keep in touch with him to be friends.

*shrugs* Personally, I got the impression that he was trying to start something up despite having a gf but was waiting for her to greenlight it first.

 

[kayte]

I would like to remain friends with him not because I want to stay in the picture but because he seems like a very intelligent and spiritual person that I have learned alot from even if it is

it IS because you want to stay in the picture...

he seems like a very intelligent and spiritual person that I have learned alot from even if it is emails

oh c'mon....

Again Karma is something I believe in and if he is with someone, there is no way I am going to try to get into that.

yes you are getting into that.....you are in competition with her....
You are doing it in a sneaky(actually not so subtle) I'll-just-be-a-friend way

Karma? No. You don't believe or are so desperate it does not matter
you must stop confusing lipservice with reap-what-you-sow
but believe me,you will....after this is ALL over
& I am not being mean....I've been there, girl
cut this loose..

As long as he continues to email me, I will continue to email him and that is how far it will go.

ah..OP that's truly sad ..that's how you think of yourself?
even if there was no woman in the picture..

*more denial,btw... you got the chronology mixed up!
you really mean as long as I continue to email him
and basically....as long he tolerates my emails! wow................

We all be be tempted sometimes but our concious will not allow us to overstep our bounderies and do something QUOTE]

and THIS is the truth...what you are hoping for..that you seduce him
and will both give in to "inevitable temptation" and overstep boundaries
and DO SOMETHING

He did not say he was in a commited relationship. He claims he cannot call what they have a commited relationship but if someone ask him if he has someone he will say yes he is involved. I know this does not make a difference but he is also stating he is not in a committed relationship and the he is open minded and so is she. I don't know maybe they have some sort of understanding as far as you do what you want and I do what I want but at the end of the day we will always be together. I already know it is not a good situation to bring myself in but I don't see anything being wrong by being his friend.

and this is called re-arranging the facts to justify chasing him to
indulge in WISHFUL THINKING

I'm puzzled why you zeroed in on someone who said I WANT SOMEONE ELSE..
it kind of speaks to your own image of you..I'd be insulted if a guy didn't notice me...and once I made him notice...he still dint?
HASTA LA VISTA BABY

Op listen... this guy knows WHAT you are doing...he's not stupid
if he does take advantage..in the long run...it will be only
taking advantage... not trying for anything serious..bcause you are giving yourself to him
while in questionable circumstances and he's not stepping up either so it's already
below board...

he ought to be sayin "you know.. I know you like me
but given my circumstance..this does not feel right"...
he's allowing your adorations,..and you,OP are asking to be used
OP...there are no victims in this one....only one WILLING volunteer

let go...........or be dragged.....

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

it IS because you want to stay in the picture...



oh c'mon....


yes you are getting into that.....you are in competition with her....
You are doing it in a sneaky(actually not so subtle) I'll-just-be-a-friend way

Karma? No. You don't believe or are so desperate it does not matter
you must stop confusing lipservice with reap-what-you-sow
but believe me,you will....after this is ALL over
& I am not being mean....I've been there, girl
cut this loose..


ah..OP that's truly sad ..that's how you think of yourself?
even if there was no woman in the picture..

*more denial,btw... you got the chronology mixed up!
you really mean as long as I continue to email him
and basically....as long he tolerates my emails! wow................





and THIS is the truth...what you are hoping for..that you seduce him
and will both give in to "inevitable temptation" and overstep boundaries
and DO SOMETHING



and this is called re-arranging the facts to justify chasing him to
indulge in WISHFUL THINKING

I'm puzzled why you zeroed in on someone who said I WANT SOMEONE ELSE..
it kind of speaks to your own image of you..I'd be insulted if a guy didn't notice me...and once I made him notice...he still dint?
HASTA LA VISTA BABY

Op listen... this guy knows WHAT you are doing...he's not stupid
if he does take advantage..in the long run...it will be only
taking advantage... not trying for anything serious..bcause you are giving yourself to him
while in questionable circumstances and he's not stepping up either so it's already
below board...

he ought to be sayin "you know.. I know you like me
but given my circumstance..this does not feel right"...
he's allowing your adorations,..and you,OP are asking to be used
OP...there are no victims in this one....only one WILLING volunteer

let go...........or be dragged.....

Given the responses of some of the post, I think some folks are misinterpreting what my original post was about. He is not trying to pursue me and I am not trying to pursue him.

Yes I find him attractive but it is not like we ever hung out. I have online friends on many sites and that is as far as it goes. It does not matter if we email eachother because I am not going to go meet up with him etc. to do anything. His cousin has a kid with my cousin so the wedding is not the first encounter it is probably the first of many and I will eventually be in the same place with him, with no ill intentions.

From some of the post it is like women cannot be friends with a male who is taken. I have plenty of male friends who are taken and are attractive but not in a million years would I try to get with them just cause I think they are attractive. They belong to someone else and I understand that..
My post really was to hear what you all thought of the cousin telling me to pursue it because his girl is not here. Believe or not some people think this way and they do not respect long distance relationships. I almost listened to her but after hearing what some of you had to say I am not going to go there but the friendship thing to me is just not that serious so I don't care if he emails me or not but when he does I will respond.

 

[Farida]

Don't be that girl...

Just don't.

Really.

Seriously.

 

[hopeful]

I would not pursue any type of friendship with him. I do not understand why he even contacted you via e-mail in the first place. He is a little slippery, contacting a woman he doesn't know even though he is in a relationship, says no one can come between them but yet he can't define their relationship, says he has someone in another country but yet he still writes you. He does not sound so wonderful or spiritual to me. He is snaky. He should never have contacted you in the first place. If he did, he should have been completely upfront and clear the he has a girlfriend and is not interested in you in that way at all, or telling you that after he breaks up with her he would like to get to know you, or tell you that he wants a sidepiece. But no he is the worst, he pretends to be honest and upfront but yet I believe he is kind of teasing you to see what may come of it. Your cousin was wrong in the first place for not telling you what was up. He was wrong for e-mailing you in the first place. And you are wrong if you continue to communicate with him. JMHO.

 

[ART11]

He is one of those wishy-washy "on the fencers". The truth of the matter is he is committed as hell. He told you that when he said nothing could come between him and his girl. BUT here you are all sweet and attractive and "feeling him" and he thinks maybe he can kinda sorta dip his toes in the water just a weeeeee little bit then remind u later on that he has this serious relationship that he was upfront about from the very beginning. He isn't being a total snake because he apparently has reservations but men have a really difficult time "missing opportunities". Don't be one. You'll never get him.

BTW, his cousin-in-law was a REAL DATE. We don't feel iffy about getting a number in front of our cousins.

 

[poetist]

*in Neffe voice* "Are you Serious???"

 

[MissJ]

Okay I am happy to hear that but then she has him contact me via email and we start talking, he tells me he is involve with a girl in another country. He travels back there once a year but he can't really define what they have as a commited relationship but it is not like he is over here hoeing around, he is the same person with or without her.

He is pursuing you. He contacted you via e-mail. Why would he do that when he already has a girl? Then he told you about his "situation," not-committed but somehow still in a relationship. He lying somewhere. He's letting you know that he has someone, BUT he's trying to see if you want to get down with the get down. He wants you to think he's not hoeing around, but he would hoe around with you, if you were ever so willing. This guy sucks! He is not being honest. He's running game!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

He is one of those wishy-washy "on the fencers". The truth of the matter is he is committed as hell. He told you that when he said nothing could come between him and his girl. BUT here you are all sweet and attractive and "feeling him" and he thinks maybe he can kinda sorta dip his toes in the water just a weeeeee little bit then remind u later on that he has this serious relationship that he was upfront about from the very beginning. He isn't being a total snake because he apparently has reservations but men have a really difficult time "missing opportunities". Don't be one. You'll never get him.

BTW, his cousin-in-law was a REAL DATE. We don't feel iffy about getting a number in front of our cousins.

That's what I was thinking too believe it or not. I don't for one minute believe that the woman he brought to that party/wedding or whatever was his "cousin". WHATEVER! What male brings his female COUSIN to a party when he already has a gf?? Idk...just seems kind of "fishy" that he only brought his "cousin" to the party. Why not a bunch of people? Oh, and then he has the nerve to say that the only reason why he wasn't asking girls for their numbers at the gathering
was because it would be "rude" to do that with his cousin there. Ha!!! Okaaaaay... More like it would only be "rude" if that girl is your "date" for the evening!

That sounded fishy to me from the get-go.

 

[sky_blu]

I dont think anyone can take somebody's man or woman BUT I would NOT pursue anyone that is involved with someone else. Its asking for trouble and unnecessary drama. There are too many man to go after someone thats involved with a title or not.

 

[MissNina]

Why even communicate with by email still, if he has a girl? You're still setting yourself up for disappointment.

You would like to remain friends with him? Sweetie he is NOT your friend and never has been. You're trippin. You pursued him and initiated contact with him and its up to you to put an end to it.

A man will string you along for as long as you allow it, and continuing to email him as long as he emails you is setting yourself up for just that. You say that you've learned alot from him but please believe that your hard lessons are on the horizon if you don't leave that man alone. Toughen up and walk away from this situation with some respect and dignity and don't allow yourself to be in a pseudo relationship.

Basically.........

Given the responses of some of the post, I think some folks are misinterpreting what my original post was about. He is not trying to pursue me and I am not trying to pursue him.

From some of the post it is like women cannot be friends with a male who is taken. I have plenty of male friends who are taken and are attractive but not in a million years would I try to get with them just cause I think they are attractive. They belong to someone else and I understand that..

No one is saying that. I have quite a few male friends who have gfs and some of us are very close. He is definitely trying to pursue you. For what purpose who knows.

And the difference b/w your male friends and him is that you already admitted you were happy when you heard he was single. And you're thinking, "Why would he want to be with someone (her) over there when he could have someone (me) here?". So let's not group him in the same category with your other male friends. Once you have those thoughts, the guy is automatically in the other category. I even have several single male friends who are fine as hell but I TRULY KNOW they are truly just friends b/c I could care less who they are with one way or the other. It's not like that and I have never had those thoughts. I wouldn't keep talking to this guy if I were you.

 

[JinaRicci]

Given the responses of some of the post, I think some folks are misinterpreting what my original post was about. He is not trying to pursue me and I am not trying to pursue him.

Yes I find him attractive but it is not like we ever hung out. I have online friends on many sites and that is as far as it goes. It does not matter if we email eachother because I am not going to go meet up with him etc. to do anything. His cousin has a kid with my cousin so the wedding is not the first encounter it is probably the first of many and I will eventually be in the same place with him, with no ill intentions.

From some of the post it is like women cannot be friends with a male who is taken. I have plenty of male friends who are taken and are attractive but not in a million years would I try to get with them just cause I think they are attractive. They belong to someone else and I understand that..
My post really was to hear what you all thought of the cousin telling me to pursue it because his girl is not here. Believe or not some people think this way and they do not respect long distance relationships. I almost listened to her but after hearing what some of you had to say I am not going to go there but the friendship thing to me is just not that serious so I don't care if he emails me or not but when he does I will respond.

Ellis: Sadly reading not even b/w the lines- it sounds like you are pursuing him.

To the bolded, yes it matters! For one thing, you say yourself that there will be many encounters (with no ill intentions- yea...LOL). When you get all emotionally involved from emailing back and forth and then run into him at another event-even with his cousin as his date- what do you suppose will happen? Good intentions?

btw- if that really was his cousin (let's assume for a sec) then to me not bringing a real date would make him seem even more committed to this other girl no matter what he is (sometimes) saying. I just can't find a good outcome for you from any of these scenarios.

And it matters also to you- at least it should to your own self-worth. So you never met this girl so let's say could care less about her and you like this guy for whatever reason but why be second best? Why settle for what- friends? Friends on what basis? You are/were feeling him and now you want to be friends? You may have other male friends who are attractive and taken but you're probably not attracted to them... If you tie up your feelings & time with this, you could miss getting to know a man who could really be yours- one who's worthy of YOU! That's just what everyone is trying to make you see- for your own happiness.

His cousin was wrong- yes. I find that ppl can easily forget about the best interest of their friends when family is involved. But you know she was wrong, you know this is wrong, why continue? Ball is in your court now- you CAN choose to not email even when he does. Please don't sit around waiting for him to either- take control- and I really hope you decide & let him know that you are just not that kind of girl.

 

[Kurlee]

he is showing you that he is with someone else, don't push up and try to rationalize why it would be better with you. Respect their relationship and be patient. Someone else you are "feeling" will come along, that is single.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Just wanted to update this thread.... So I took some of the advice and I was not trying to pursue anything but he does email me and it has moved to him calling occasionlaly but I swear I am not even interested in him like that because of the situation, he is so sweet but I really don't want to be with him. He just let it slip out that him and the girl have decided to be friends because the distance is hurting their relationship. He does not want to be enemies with her if things go sour because of the distance so they both have decided to let things go.
Now he is asking me out on a date. I don't know what to say because technically he is single, would I still be wrong if I went on the date with him. He seems to be opening up to me more and more about his personal life and I think in the begginning he was just trying to feel me out.

I know some of you are thinking maybe he is lying about breaking it off with her and that is a possibility but I don't get that vibe. When we speak he is more concern about how to better his youth ministry, it just does not seem like he is lying about that. I just know that I have nothing to with his decision because I was not pushing on him.

 

[Son26]

He just let it slip out that him and the girl have decided to be friends because the distance is hurting their relationship. He does not want to be enemies with her if things go sour because of the distance so they both have decided to let things go.
Now he is asking me out on a date. I don't know what to say because technically he is single, would I still be wrong if I went on the date with him. He seems to be opening up to me more and more about his personal life and I think in the begginning he was just trying to feel me out.

He said their relationship is over and you believe him, so if it were me I would go out with him. I would be on my guard though.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I'd turn him down a little longer and let him pursue me... but I wouldnt rust him on that... lmao

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I am definately on my guard, I just hope he is not lying. At this point he is just a friend but of course if he truly is single and does try to pursue me I would not mind, hope that is not wrong to think.

 

[MuseofTroy]

he already has a girl.

Heres the story....
Recently I went to a wedding and noticed a very handsome young man but he left the reception early so I never got to speak to him. Well I inquired about him through his cousin and she tells me he is single. Okay I am happy to hear that but then she has him contact me via email and we start talking, he tells me he is involve with a girl in another country. He travels back there once a year but he can't really define what they have as a commited relationship but it is not like he is over here hoeing around, he is the same person with or without her.

Now I tell his cousin about this and she goes yeah I know about the chick but they just started talking and if you come into the picture he can forget all about her. Ladies, I am not one to try to take no ones man, and i am afraid of Karma but I am feeling him. He has let me know upfront his situation and has let me know that no one can come between him and the other girl so I am not going to try to do such thing.

I guess my problem is, why be with someone another country if you have an option here next to you? I myself used to talk to someone in another country but if I met someone I was feeling here, I would leave because that person would do the same if they had a chance. He is not leading me on, we have only been communicating online so he is not giving me the impression that this will go far but anything can happen. What would you guys do, continue to talk to him as a friend and see if this goes anywhere or just not communicate at all with him and let him be in his long distance relationship. I swear all the guys I am attracted to are always taken or gay, this one I can't even define he is taken but he is involved so he says, I wonder if I am cursed at times, geez.

Girl seriously? I think you know the answer to your own question. Leave it alone. You don't know the dynamics of that relationship. Even though the girl might be in another country, the relationship is probably of importance to him or else he would have ended it. Leave well enough alone for your sake.

 

[MuseofTroy]

I agree he was honest and I appreciate that. I am not pushing it, he emails me daily and I communicate back and forth with him but I am not going to try to do anything shady. He actually did not see me at the reception, I spotted him but he did tell me even if he saw me he would not be able to talk to me because he had a date with him. The date was his cousin in law and he stated it would of been direspectful to approach anyone while with her.
He makes comments that are contradictory so I don't get him. Like he is involved with someone but can't call her his girlfriend, what? Seems like he is trying to say the relationship is open but since he is not looking to do anything nor is she they don't cross the line but if they wanted to they could. I have to mention he was in a very long term relationship a year ago and was engaged but right after breaking up with that person he started this long distance relationship, I get the impression that the LD was his comfort at the time of his breakup.
According to his cousin he was very hurt over that breakup and became distant.

The fact that you are overthinking this situation lets me know that you really shouldn't get involved with this person. Just leave it alone seriously. There are over 3 billion men on this planet. You have other options. If the guy can't give you a straight answer about his relationship status, why do you want to get mixed up in potiential drama?

 

[SweetNic_JA]

Don't do it to your self. I've done this before. . . Was interested in someone else, but led this guy on. When the guy wanted something more serious, I'd always throw in his face the fact that I was into someone else. In retrospect it was a pretty mean thing to do and it seems like your friend is trying to get away with the same crap.