He Doesn't Believe in Celebrating Valentines Day

[chronicity]

<shrug> Different strokes for different folks. Once upon a time (when I was high school, I shared a similar mentality) I used to believe a man could love me without showing he could provide for me. Do you know where that got me? No where...

As long as you understand that a man can still love and provide for you without going through Valentine's Day rituals, then you shouldn't have any problems.

This is just a hunch but you and your BF are never going to see eye to eye on this issue if you equate gift-giving with care-giving and he (for whatever reason) is philosophically against the very sentiment you hold so strongly. Neither one of you are right or wrong, just different. Only you know whether you can handle this difference.

Let me ask you this: If he is the type of guy who jumps up to clean the ice off your windshield at 5 o'oclock in the morning, checks on you if you're sick, cooks a candle-lit dinner for you on your birthday, or runs you a nice bubble bath after you've had bad day (in other words, acts of service), would you still have a problem with him if he wasn't into doing anything for Valentine's Day? It's possible that he is that guy.

 

[LadyChe]

I think it's very interesting that the people who are not into gifts have so much to say about someone who is.

Learning your partner's love language isn't so much about changing their desires to fit the way that you express love, it is about learning to express love in the way that your partner desires.

So, if my husband prefers for me to do acts of service and I prefer to receive gifts then it is my responsibility to do acts of service and his responsibility to give gifts.

If the day is important to you, let the man know and then it is his decision on how he wants to move forward. Not based on commercialized holidays, but out of the knowledge that he is doing something that will make you happy.

 

[VelvetRain]

I'm dying to see how this one turns out for you OP. My whole point is it's always the women expecting something but have you shown yourself worthy of even getting anything at all? Just how have you differentiated yourself from the other women he has dated? It makes zero sense for me to drop hints. Just sit back and chill. If he want to do for you he will. Nothing you say or do is going to influence him. Men do what they want to do and be where they want to be. They know all women want to celebrate valentines day, get married, have children etc. You dropping hints does nothing.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

Are you sure you're the only one he's seeing? He might be booked for V day.

Exactly . I bet he will be a true believer in sex one week after V day! We have these debates every year. Next week there will be numerous posts from woman who get dumped right before V Day. After that will come the posts about how these same dudes want to make up. lol!!

All men know what's expected on V day. A man who won't ,is telling you that you don't mean much to him IMO.

Accept this game and you are telling your man that you are willing to accept less than you deserve. He can hook you up for less than 20 dollars- if he's cheap.

But then, accept it. A piece of a man is better than no man at all - I guess.

 

[Evolving78]

I think it's very interesting that the people who are not into gifts have so much to say about someone who is.

Learning your partner's love language isn't so much about changing their desires to fit the way that you express love, it is about learning to express love in the way that your partner desires.

So, if my husband prefers for me to do acts of service and I prefer to receive gifts then it is my responsibility to do acts of service and his responsibility to give gifts.

If the day is important to you, let the man know and then it is his decision on how he wants to move forward. Not based on commercialized holidays, but out of the knowledge that he is doing something that will make you happy.

who said people weren't into gifts? we are talking about VDay. not getting gifts. she wants a gift on Vday, he says he is not into VDay. she is making a fuss about how the holiday is a big deal to her. people that don't find the holiday important are asking if she was getting gifts all of the time and being treated how she wanted to be treated, would the holiday still be considered a big deal? i know that's what i am trying to figure out? if he bought her a gift the day before, or the day after, would it still matter?

 

[VelvetRain]

A piece of man is better than no man at all? Sigh. I can't anymore with this thread. lol.

 

[chronicity]

Learning your partner's love language isn't so much about changing their desires to fit the way that you express love, it is about learning to express love in the way that your partner desires.

It's both. Love is about giving as much as receiving. If your man's natural means of communicating love (like words of affirmative) are going unappreciated because you prefer gifts, then there will need to be some compromise. For many people, compromise in this area is difficult if not impossible. Deep down inside, we all feel like our love language is the best way.

 

[0live0il]

As long as you understand that a man can still love and provide for you without going through Valentine's Day rituals, then you shouldn't have any problems.

This is just a hunch but you and your BF are never going to see eye to eye on this issue if you equate gift-giving with care-giving and he (for whatever reason) is philosophically against the very sentiment you hold so strongly. Neither one of you are right or wrong, just different. Only you know whether you can handle this difference.

Let me ask you this: If he is the type of guy who jumps up to clean the ice off your windshield at 5 o'oclock in the morning, checks on you if you're sick, cooks a candle-lit dinner for you on your birthday, or runs you a nice bubble bath after you've had bad day (in other words, acts of service), would you still have a problem with him if he wasn't into doing anything for Valentine's Day? It's possible that he is that guy.

I've been with men who all seemed as sweet as honey. They called me every morning just to say hello beautiful. Opened doors for me etc, but NEVER provided with me. Do you know what would always happen? Those sweet gestures would decrease over time & each time I was left with a man who could neither provide for me nor treat me with kindness. Now I expect both: Kindness and Gifts.

Does that make me selfish? Perhaps. But if things crumble, I'd like to walk away with SOMETHING instead of just picking up the pieces of my broken heart.

If a man doesn't show me he's capable of being generous (Vday, birthdays, Christmas etc) then he's NOT the man for me.

 

[chronicity]

If a man doesn't show me he's capable of being generous (Vday, birthdays, Christmas etc) then he's NOT the man for me.

I hear you. Even though my feelings towards physical gifts is "meh", I couldn't be with someone who was "ungenerous" with kind and thoughtful gestures. They mean a lot to me.

Your bf was honest with you when he explained his problem with VD. It would be a great idea if you let him know your position on holidays. Get it out in the open now just so you can see how deep his aversion to commercialism goes. Lol.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Two months into a relationship I wouldn't be expecting random gifts. However, for Valentine's Day, I would be looking for a card, flowers and maybe some good chocolate. That's not too much to expect from a boyfriend or even just a date on Valentine's Day. If he doesn't celebrate any holidays, that's one thing. But Valentine's Day is significant to most women. That would be like a woman telling a man(in the U.S.) that she doesn't watch football and expecting him to watch reruns of Sex in the City while the Superbowl is on.

 

[chronicity]

I've been with men who all seemed as sweet as honey. They called me every morning just to say hello beautiful.

I've had that too, and I have hated it. It across as forced and phony to me. Way too over the top. The annoyance they arouse in me makes me think I'm incompatible with men who communicates love through words of affirmation. Im not one to gush either, so yeah, I probably should stay away from those types.

 

[ambergirl]

I've been with men who all seemed as sweet as honey. They called me every morning just to say hello beautiful. Opened doors for me etc, but NEVER provided with me. Do you know what would always happen? Those sweet gestures would decrease over time & each time I was left with a man who could neither provide for me nor treat me with kindness. Now I expect both: Kindness and Gifts.

Does that make me selfish? Perhaps. But if things crumble, I'd like to walk away with SOMETHING instead of just picking up the pieces of my broken heart.

If a man doesn't show me he's capable of being generous (Vday, birthdays, Christmas etc) then he's NOT the man for me.

I hope you take this in the Big Sister spirit in which it's given.

Based on what you've written here, you don't sound like a person who's ready to be in a healthy relationship. Forget boyfriend. You need to get right with you and do some heart healing if you hope to create a loving, committed relationship.

I don't know anything about this dude, but if you keep sending out the vibe that you're sending in this thread, the prognosis for this relationship being what you really want doesn't look too promising.

 

[RocStar]

The only reason I haven't dropped this one yet, is because 2 months is still relatively new and I know some people truly don't believe in celebrating Vday but can be generous. I'm going to see what happens on the 15th Feb. If I don't get a decent gift that day, fcuk him! I don't need a man to make me smile.. I have family and friends for that.

a. Doesn't seem like your man is generous
b. It really is just about the gifts for you

Good luck!

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

He's about to surprise you good or bad--hopefully good. What is he doing for you now?

 

[cyrealla]

Lawd...some people really don't get jokes.

 

[ambergirl]

Lawd...some people really don't get jokes.

Or think they're not jokes

 

[NijaG]

Hmmmm...... I dunno, but I've always been leery of men who talk about the commercialization of Valentine's Day, but are perfectly okay with celebrating other holidays.

If he shows through actions that he doesn't celebrate any holidays or special days then I can give a pass as long as he generous and meets my needs they way I want it.

However, I think for majority of the men who are very deliberate about not doing anything on V-day, there is a certain element of control and a bit of spitefulness involved.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Hmmmm...... I dunno, but I've always been leery of men who talk about the commercialization of Valentine's Day, but are perfectly okay with celebrating other holidays.

If he shows through actions that he doesn't celebrate any holidays or special days then I can give a pass as long as he generous and meets my needs they way I want it.

However, I think for majority of the men who are very deliberate about not doing anything on V-day, there is a certain element of control and a bit of spitefulness involved.

Whenever I've heard about a man saying he doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day, he always follows it with something like, "I don't need a special day to be romantic." However, he never acts romantic or treats his woman special any other day of the year either.

 

[Anakinsmomma]

He said, he doesn't believe in commercialising love.. blah blah.

ambergirl I believe so! We are exclusive. Hmm, now you're making me paranoid

That is a classic line of a guy trying to get over. Been there, done that and burned the tshirt.

He did agree to compromise so maybe he deserves more credit than I'm giving him. But what difference does it being the 15th make... It's still because YOU celebrate vday. I just don't know about this one OP...

 

[Miss AJ]

Wait, wait, wait... OP are you REALLY gonna let him slide with it being against his "beliefs"??? I don't even care that he said he doesn't celebrate it, the reasons WHY are what I'm focused on and YOU shoukd be too! WHAT belief would prevent him from celebrating Valentine's day??? AND you are gonna let him slide with taking you out on Side Piece Valentine's Day (Feb 15th) JUST so u can get a gift? Ummm yea, I can't WAIT to come back and read the end result of this one

 

[0live0il]

I'm dying to see how this one turns out for you OP. My whole point is it's always the women expecting something but have you shown yourself worthyof even getting anything at all? Just how have you differentiated yourself from the other women he has dated? It makes zero sense for me to drop hints. Just sit back and chill. If he want to do for you he will. Nothing you say or do is going to influence him. Men do what they want to do and be where they want to be. They know all women want to celebrate valentines day, get married, have children etc. You dropping hints does nothing.

How have I differentiated myself? I don't care about who he has dated in the past. He's dating me right now, so that's all that matters!

Really? Because I went even further than dropping a hint & explicitly told him, that I WANT to celebrate Vday. He didn't shrug and say 'whatever, Ima man so I do what I want" He compromised with me. Before breaking up with someone, it's always a good idea to see if they are willing to compromise to make you happy. IMO, it's very childish to want something, not say anything, and then cry foul later on.

 

[sj10460]

OP I agree with the poster who mentioned setting your expectations early on in the relationship. If holidays and special occasions are important to you then you did the right thing by letting him know. Similarly, he expressed his feelings as well. It's a good sign that hes willing to compromise for you. If all else is going good in the relationship don't let this be a deal breaker, give it a little more time to see if he's generous.

Btw, some women arent used to anything or used to men treating them like the queens we should be treated as. Don't let them project their insecurities on you. You are the prize, your man should adore you and show you with words and actions.
"treat me as the Queen I am and in return you will be treated as a king" SJ10460

 

[Mleah]

If it's not a religious prohibition or a close friend or relative was murdered on 2/14, then a gift is in order. If he just doesn't want to participate than he is not that into you and should not be allowed" in to you" as well. He sounds sadistic but if you're into that then accept the consequences and disappointments.

 

[0live0il]

If it's not a religious prohibition or a close friend or relative was murdered on 2/14, then a gift is in order. If he just doesn't want to participate than he is not that into you and should not be allowed" in to you" as well. He sounds sadistic but if you're into that then accept the consequences and disappointments.

I wouldn't classify people who don't want to celebrate Vday as sadistic but I see your point...

 

[Mleah]

I wouldn't classify people who don't want to celebrate Vday as sadistic but I see your point...

It's time to kick him off of the love boat. Too many ports with sunny beaches and calm seas.

 

[metro_qt]

I'm dying to see how this one turns out for you OP. My whole point is it's always the women expecting something but have you shown yourself worthy of even getting anything at all? Just how have you differentiated yourself from the other women he has dated? It makes zero sense for me to drop hints. Just sit back and chill. If he want to do for you he will. Nothing you say or do is going to influence him. Men do what they want to do and be where they want to be. They know all women want to celebrate valentines day, get married, have children etc. You dropping hints does nothing.

VelvetRain

Have you ever read the book love languages?

Every person intrinsically has a way they prefer to receive love.... As in they know they're loved when this, this and that happens.

For some people like OP I believe, and myself, 'tokens of affection' is my primary method.

It has nothing to do with being greedy, goldiggerish, or all about the dollars... When just a small teddy bear at Valentine's day would put a smile on my face for months. THAT'S what makes me feel appreciated and loved.

I get that you and others might not get it... But you have your own love language, and feel appreciated when a person does such and such as well...

 

[UmSumayyah]

That is a classic line of a guy trying to get over. Been there, done that and burned the tshirt.

He did agree to compromise so maybe he deserves more credit than I'm giving him. But what difference does it being the 15th make... It's still because YOU celebrate vday. I just don't know about this one OP...

Restaurants are less crowded and roses, chocolate, etc. are 40% off or more the next day.

eta: and I'm not mad at that at all.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

That's tacky... just say money is limited right now. Get her something small and promise better for an anniversary or something.

 

[daydreem2876]

That's tacky... just say money is limited right now. Get her something small and promise better for an anniversary or something.

All of this conversation when ^^^^^ is the bottom line.

I agree with VelvetRain, if he's into you and knows Valentine's Day is important to you, he would make something happen whether he believes in it or not. That's what men who love/are into you do... they don't make you compromise in order for them to make you feel special.

 

[Lenee925]

Ok so if women are always "expecting something" then women are also always making excuses for grown men. Over-compensating and doing too much to gain validation from a man.

Dr John Gray (Men Are From Mars...) even advocates women learning to be gracious and not over-compensating by being able to receive from the man who is trying to win her over.