Ended My 8 mos Relationship Friday night

[Bunny77]

Yep. I don't think I would have listened to anyone's advice back then because I was TOO determined to make it work. You're absolutely correct. I kept thinking that here I was praying to God to let my FH find me, and when I met him so unexpectingly, I was positive that my prayers were answered. The truth is that I'm really happy for the experience. I'm not totally over him, but I'm on my way.

I feel that... I was with a guy last year for about the same amount of time and he did something that if I had posted it on this board, y'all would have been like, "Dump that fool."

And I thought that too, but gave it another chance. Shoulda dumped him then! But I thought just as you did... I was always the first one to run, and I was thinking that maybe I needed to stick things out and give folks another chance because no one is perfect. And that's true to a degree, but sometimes, God is telling us to RUN FORREST RUN!!!

As for everything else... the praying to God for an FH, etc... I thought for sure that had happened the times I met men while I was at work, somewhere looking bummy, etc... so now I'm accepting of the fact that I could meet my FH randomly just as easily as I could meet him on Match.com. There's no one "right" way and God can work in many different ways!

But like you said, we all learn something in the process. And it's normal for you to still have feelings for him, but you'll be aight in the end! You done good!

 

[Ediese]

He sounded like he was quite demanding on top of monopolizing all of your time. I'm glad you got out of this situation, the intensity was turned up way too high. If you were to go back to him or a man who has a weekend schedule laid out for you, all extra-curricular activities need to be negotiable, meaning you go to games if/when you want to go. Or not at all if you don't want to. When there are problems in the relationship, things have to be re-negotiated.

Exactly! I've definitely learned my lesson. It wasn't until last month that I decided to start staying at my place sometimes during the week. I usually stayed at his place everyday. I don't know what happened, but I woke up one day and realized that I truly missed my house. Shoot...here I was paying a high a** mortgage, but I was never at home. I missed the peace and quiet when I stayed home. I even cut off some of my utilities because he said it didnt' make any sense for me to continue paying them. He was NOT happy when I decided to start staying home. He said that I was up to something because for seven months I stayed at his place, and all of a sudden I switched it up and made that decision on my own.

 

[Ediese]

I feel that... I was with a guy last year for about the same amount of time and he did something that if I had posted it on this board, y'all would have been like, "Dump that fool."

And I thought that too, but gave it another chance. Shoulda dumped him then! But I thought just as you did... I was always the first one to run, and I was thinking that maybe I needed to stick things out and give folks another chance because no one is perfect. And that's true to a degree, but sometimes, God is telling us to RUN FORREST RUN!!!

As for everything else... the praying to God for an FH, etc... I thought for sure that had happened the times I met men while I was at work, somewhere looking bummy, etc... so now I'm accepting of the fact that I could meet my FH randomly just as easily as I could meet him on Match.com. There's no one "right" way and God can work in many different ways!

But like you said, we all learn something in the process. And it's normal for you to still have feelings for him, but you'll be aight in the end! You done good!

Your posts are the truth! You certainly know what I'm talking about. Thanks girl!! I'm not even tripping. I'll be patiently waiting for the time when I get to post my engagement announcement. He has not deterred me. I know it'll happen with the right man that God has in store for me.

 

[Country gal]

Isn't it something how we can see these things in hindsight and go, "WTF?"

I remember something you posted about ole boy awhile ago that made a little red flag go up for me, but I left it alone cause I don't wanna get in folks' business unless they ask for advice.

I think sometimes we (general we as women) have to get careful not to get caught up in folks' stories about how they met their man when they were waiting for a bus/at the grocery store/when they least expected it, etc.... because I think that can sometimes make us lower our guard a bit too much when we meet men that way.

I can think of two situations when I met a man while being somewhere I didn't want to be and never go, and then being pleasantly surprised when a man approached. All my peeps (mainly women) were like, "Ooh Bunny, see, that's God working right there. You don't even go to that Chipotle and you went and you met a cute lawyer... ooh girl, that's fate!"

Yeah... then you find out that he is separated/just got divorced and fighting for custody of his kids or none of the above... just a crazy fool! But see, folks want to make "fate" happen... when some of these meetings are simply no different than meeting a man at the club or whatever.

However we meet men, we have to keep our guard up and pay attention to men, however we meet them!

Do you remember the red flag? I agree with you regarding keeping our guards up. I have fallen for the it was fate scenarios too.

 

[Country gal]

Exactly! I've definitely learned my lesson. It wasn't until last month that I decided to start staying at my place sometimes during the week. I usually stayed at his place everyday. I don't know what happened, but I woke up one day and realized that I truly missed my house. Shoot...here I was paying a high a** mortgage, but I was never at home. I missed the peace and quiet when I stayed home. I even cut off some of my utilities because he said it didnt' make any sense for me to continue paying them. He was NOT happy when I decided to start staying home. He said that I was up to something because for seven months I stayed at his place, and all of a sudden I switched it up and made that decision on my own.

I think you moved too fast. Did you have an established relationship? You dated for 1 month and moved in for 7?

 

[Ediese]

I think you moved too fast. Did you have an established relationship? You dated for 1 month and moved in for 7?

After dating for two months, we decided to be exclusive. I wasn't officially moved in, but after we became exclusive I was staying at his place probably about 5 days out of the week. I agree though. We did move fast, but that's only because at the time I think we were both so interested in making it work, and we thought our search was over.

 

[Country gal]

After dating for two months, we decided to be exclusive. I wasn't officially moved in, but after we became exclusive I was staying at his place probably about 5 days out of the week. I agree though. We did move fast, but that's only because at the time I think we were both so interested in making it work, and we thought our search was over.

Okay, Was he controlling? I get that sense from reading your posts. It seems since he was former NFL, he was use to taking care of women. It seems he didn't like it when you had your independence.

 

[Bunny77]

After dating for two months, we decided to be exclusive. I wasn't officially moved in, but after we became exclusive I was staying at his place probably about 5 days out of the week. I agree though. We did move fast, but that's only because at the time I think we were both so interested in making it work, and we thought our search was over.

I swear we're twins or something!

In my case, I was spending four-day weekends with a dude EVERY weekend (except when I had a conference to attend or something).

He asked for this... then after a while, he said he felt smothered. WTF??? This is what YOU wanted!

(Although now I realize that just because they say they want all this time doesn't mean that you should oblige... and perhaps that's more a sign of controlling tendencies than "love"... a man doesn't have to be physically or verbally abusive to be controlling.)

Plus too, I was thinking that since we both were interested in marriage, that this much time was okay because we were both looking for the same thing, blah blah blah... so the idea was, "Let's start building toward our future since we both know what we want and are "ready" to settle down.

I think that it's very possible to move forward in a relationship and not waste time, but still not move too fast. I know that sounds contradictory, but I think there's definitely a difference!

 

[Bunny77]

Do you remember the red flag? I agree with you regarding keeping our guards up. I have fallen for the it was fate scenarios too.

Deep breath...

The red flag was in the thread that SvelteVelvet started about men who really "want it," and will wake up a woman at night, etc., etc., and if that's normal and if one should be flattered by it, etc.

 

[envybeauty]

I have heard men say that "she was too busy playing my wife that she forgot to act like my girlfriend first." I think this applies in this case.

Spending 90% of your time at his place is too much even if you are both destined for faith. Especially if he didn't ask you to MOVE IN. I see a subtle difference.

This reminds me of something I read in Kimmora's book that I agree with: she would spend time at his place and then get up and leave almost every night or early in the morning to go to her place. It was a reminder to Russ that she had her own place and if he wanted her there more often, he needed to step up and marry her.

I could see long weekends if you are in long distance relationships but if you live 20 minutes away, I'd up and head home on a regular even if I plan to see him a few hours later.

 

[Ediese]

Okay, Was he controlling? I get that sense from reading your posts. It seems since he was former NFL, he was use to taking care of women. It seems he didn't like it when you had your independence.

Yep. You hit the nail on the head. I didn't think his 'controlling' behavior wasn't too far out there. It was the first time I was in that type of relationship where the man really wanted to lead and take control. In was a struggle in the beginning (think I made a thread about that), but once I started to let go, it wasn't as bad as I thought. He always said that I met him at a good time in his life because he was truly secure (career wise, financially, emotionally, etc), and he was ready to give all he had to someone, and that I just needed to let go and trust him.

 

[Ediese]

I swear we're twins or something!

In my case, I was spending four-day weekends with a dude EVERY weekend (except when I had a conference to attend or something).

He asked for this... then after a while, he said he felt smothered. WTF??? This is what YOU wanted!

(Although now I realize that just because they say they want all this time doesn't mean that you should oblige... and perhaps that's more a sign of controlling tendencies than "love"... a man doesn't have to be physically or verbally abusive to be controlling.)

Plus too, I was thinking that since we both were interested in marriage, that this much time was okay because we were both looking for the same thing, blah blah blah... so the idea was, "Let's start building toward our future since we both know what we want and are "ready" to settle down.

I think that it's very possible to move forward in a relationship and not waste time, but still not move too fast. I know that sounds contradictory, but I think there's definitely a difference!

I totally agree with this.

LOL Hey twin!!! Yep...I remember this incident that happened early on before we became exclusive. It was about 9p, and I was leaving the grocery store with a ton of bags on my way home to chill for the night. He asked me to stop by his place for a quick hello. Well...I ended up staying at his place that night. He got all the groceries out of my car, and put it in the fridge and I took them home the next day. I remember him saying that the more time I'm spending with him meant that I wasn't spending it with someone else. I thought that was so sweet, but that should have been a sign then.

 

[Ediese]

I have heard men say that "she was too busy playing my wife that she forgot to act like my girlfriend first." I think this applies in this case.

Spending 90% of your time at his place is too much even if you are both destined for faith. Especially if he didn't ask you to MOVE IN. I see a subtle difference.

This reminds me of something I read in Kimmora's book that I agree with: she would spend time at his place and then get up and leave almost every night or early in the morning to go to her place. It was a reminder to Russ that she had her own place and if he wanted her there more often, he needed to step up and marry her.

I could see long weekends if you are in long distance relationships but if you live 20 minutes away, I'd up and head home on a regular even if I plan to see him a few hours later.

I see what you're saying, but it wasn't that case here. I didn't stay at his place because I wanted too. He always asked me to stay over. As a matter of fact, he asked me to sell my house and move in to his place. When I told him that I wasn't willing to do that especially since it was a house and not an apartment, that's when he suggested that I should turn off my utilities. He got upset whenever I didn't stay over. When I started staying at my place a month or two prior to our breakup, he was totally PISSED.

I'll definitely not follow this pattern the next time even if they're requesting it.

 

[MissYocairis]

I am sooo glad that you got away from him exactly the way you did. He's sorely deluded. It's going to take quite a while for him to improve on all that.

I am tripping that he requested that you ask permission to leave a convo... He's quite the character isn't he? And, I love what the dj said.

Yeah, I think that tower and street named for him are ruining what little bit of humility he might have been able to get in touch with.

OMG...you guys know EXACTLY what I had to deal with.

Smuckie: Unfortunately for him, whenever he goes back home they still hail him like the king he thinks he is. lol He has a day named after him, and this huge tower with his name and pic. That can't be healthy. He needs to bring it back down to reality.

Coconow: Yep. He made sure to tell me that I needed to make him feel like a king at all times. I don't know how many times he told me about the story of his life, and made sure that I understood he was the was he was because of all of the adversity that he overcame. It's kinda funny because he would always lecture me on things, and I'd just start to withdraw from the conversation and ignore him. Almost at every chance he got, he told me that I needed to respect him and stop ignoring him. He asked me for permission once to walk away from any discussion if I decided to ignore him.

As a matter of fact, I remember him talking kinda bad about this radio DJ. When I asked him about it, he said he was talking to her at a club once, and he mentioned that he played for the NFL. She said something like, "oh ok...I know a lot of ex-players, you dont' play for them anymore, so what's your point?" lol When he told me that, I kept thinking that girl was so right. lol He hasn't forgotten about that to this day.\

He also told me that he dated the WNBA player Cynthia Cooper. He said that they stopped talking because she couldn't take his self-confidence. According to him, he wasn't all up on her like she wanted him to be. I'm sure it was probably the other way around. Here he was the one asking ME if I did self introspection. Because oblivious to me, he said my actions/attitude were just plain rude. Hopefully, he'll learn one day.

 

[MissYocairis]

I see what you're saying, but it wasn't that case here. I didn't stay at his place because I wanted too. He always asked me to stay over. As a matter of fact, he asked me to sell my house and move in to his place. When I told him that I wasn't willing to do that especially since it was a house and not an apartment, that's when he suggested that I should turn off my utilities. He got upset whenever I didn't stay over. When I started staying at my place a month or two prior to our breakup, he was totally PISSED.

I'll definitely not follow this pattern the next time even if they're requesting it.

Good idea. Many men have a way of behaving like children. They request things irresponsibly without giving much thought to the consequences or that new requirements could arise. Just like a child wanting to buy up and eat all the candy at the store...then he's sick....women should always follow their own way of doing things to a large degree...that way, men don't have us down some foolish path.

 

[natural2008]

I am happy for you. Girl you did what was right. You know you did right when that smile crept across your face. You will be fine .

 

[Country gal]

Good idea. Many men have a way of behaving like children. They request things irresponsibly without giving much thought to the consequences or that new requirements could arise. Just like a child wanting to buy up and eat all the candy at the store...then he's sick....women should always follow their own way of doing things to a large degree...that way, men don't have us down some foolish path.

I agree. We can't let them dictate the relationships or directions. I am guilty of this every time. I also learn that we need to make the men earn it. I didn't do this in my last relationship. I did in the beginning but gave in to a lot of things. He didn't have to work so hard for it.

 

[Lovelylife]

I am glad you left too, he was truly trying to hurt you. He did something seemingly small but had alot of implications.

 

[JewelleNY]

I like how you handled youself! Now, maybe the next lady will have it a little easier

 

[jerseygurl]

Ediese I'm so happy you left him. Sometimes the control factor sneaks up on us and by then we are in love and it becomes hard to leave.

 

[DaPPeR]

Sorry about the breakup however I love the way you ended it. That's major guts, that I don't have. You go!

 

[hopeful]

Ediese, with each post it becomes even more clear that you needed to break free from this man. You and the other ladies are really breaking this situation down. That is how I have solved many problems. Most people don't want to go so deep about a break-up or a relationship but it is necessary to learn the lesson(s) this time so that you don't end up in another relationship like this one again. Next time you will see the red flags immediately or you will have changed so much from this experience that you will attract a completely different kind of man. Either way, it is very important to evaluate what happened.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Sounds like to me through reading your post that he was on his way to beatin' your arse...Controlling, insecure...sounds like a potential woman beater to me.

Thank you Jesus you got out. We dont need anymore Rihannas in the world.

 

[Country gal]

Ediese, with each post it becomes even more clear that you needed to break free from this man. You and the other ladies are really breaking this situation down. That is how I have solved many problems. Most people don't want to go so deep about a break-up or a relationship but it is necessary to learn the lesson(s) this time so that you don't end up in another relationship like this one again. Next time you will see the red flags immediately or you will have changed so much from this experience that you will attract a completely different kind of man. Either way, it is very important to evaluate what happened.

Very true so you can break the cycle.

 

[NaniDiamond]

...the hard part will be sticking to your decision...trust me, the time will come when you doubt if you made the right decision and you consider going back..but like my granddaddy used to say, "don't look back!"

I've been there and done that and it never pays of...well, not for me anyway (stay strong and make the best decision(s) for you

 

[Bunny77]

Good idea. Many men have a way of behaving like children. They request things irresponsibly without giving much thought to the consequences or that new requirements could arise. Just like a child wanting to buy up and eat all the candy at the store...then he's sick....women should always follow their own way of doing things to a large degree...that way, men don't have us down some foolish path.

Wow, this whole post was so deep. I never really looked at it like this before, but it's so true.

Like I always knew not to push myself onto a guy and always be up in his face when he wanted to be by himself, etc., but I used to think that if a guy wanted to see you a lot, that was grrrrrrrreat and that you should indulge and enjoy!

(Not that you should give up your life or postpone your usual activities/time with girlfriends because a man wants your company, but I used to think that if I wasn't doing anything anyway, that I could just spend that time with him since he wanted me there after all. )

But as we see, that causes so many problems!!! Men have their candy and then when they get sick from having too much, guess who they're suddenly going to blame? US!!!

Gawd... yes, we can let men take the lead, but we also need to guide them in the right direction!!!!

 

[ElizaBlue]

Atta girl. You did good girl you did girl.

I should have known ya'll would be having church up in hea.

He is probably somewhere wondering how the "rules" didn't work THIS time. Surely you must be broken cause he couldn't possibly be the one cracked. I'm so glad you saw him for what he is and not for what he was. Which by the way don't mean jack.

Give me a fine humble man any day. Most of them rolling around with those little balls and sticks are just that little balls with little sticks. And I mean that in a whole lot of ways. When it comes to doing big boy things they act like kids and want us to be their mama.

I think he was probably getting vibes from you anyway. So when you showed up for dinner he already had it in his mind to show you what you were about to lose IF you didn't get YOUR act together. Problem is you played chess and were already two steps ahead of him.

Yeah he's sitting somewhere pondering how he lost that game with that messed up play....hahahaha. This man was a control freak waiting to happen. You would have been miserable had you stayed because clearly he was trying to train you to be everything he lacked in self-esteem. You deserve so much better.

I'm listening to Ms. Chrisette right now and love all her tracks but one. My favorite is Epiphany but Playing Our Song is my emancipaction song. Even though it's about a relationship and missing it to me it's about leaving my day job....go figure.

Good luck baby, you will be fine. He lost big!

 

[healthynhappy]

"I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm DONE". I said all of that with a big smile ya'll. I walked out the restaurant with a pep in my step, and that old smile on my face. I'm content.

You go girl!!!!

 

[DozenRoses99]

Wow! This is the classiest break up story that I have ever heard. Good job!

 

[Lindy]

Ediese, Do you mean to tell me that this fool never even called you??!! WOW!! Good riddance!! What a JERK!! Learn from this experience and move on.