My abusive relationship......

[Ladybelle]

There is so much wisdom in this thread. I, too, have been in an abusive relationship. More than one, actually. What I needed to steer clear of getting into yet another abusive relationship was therapy with a counselor at a women's shelter. Even though I did not live there, I was able to get free (I was broke) counseling sessions that really did help me through lots of issues that I otherwise never would have connected with the abusive relationships. I've been married to a non-abusive man for 5 years now... and that would probably not have happened without the counseling.

Just because you are planning on giving birth does not mean you have to choose to parent. If you choose to raise the child alone that is your choice. But there are also couples out there who are looking to adopt black *newborns*. The younger your child is at the time of placement, the better. It is an option to consider, if you feel that your life is not stable enough to provide the very best home possible. And nobody says you have to list him as the father on any official document. It's just something to think about.

I cannot stress highly enough how much you need to read "Why does he do that?" AND "When Dad hits Mom" both by Lundy Bancroft. These books will explain everything to you in crystal clear terms. It blew me away to see and understand the mind of an abuser.

In any case, I wish you well and I hope you can be strong enough to stay away from him now. In many domestic violence cases, the woman returns 6 times before she finally stays away the 7th time. Abusers intuitively sense this. They can smell your indecision, your fear, your sadness at being apart from him in spite of it all.

And the little game of how he's going to leave YOU because you didn't show faith in his ability to change is pure game, and retarded game at that. YOU left HIM. When a man tries to act like HE left YOU in a case like this, it is nothing but pure manipulation and BS. Please don't believe the hype.

Did it take you this long to leave? And, you said you had to get counseling to break the cycle - was it something within you that attracted abusive men or what?

 

[MuseofTroy]

::HUGS snuggles::

We can give you all the advice in the world but you have to love yourself and your unborn baby. That man is dangerous. I had a friend who was murdered by her abusive boyfriend. Reading your post upset me because she had a supportive circle of friends and family. We even offered her to live with us but she kept gonig back to him becuase he was in "therapy." Well one night she forgot to iron his pants and he beat her to death with the iron. She was in a coma for two week before she finally died. Even though I don’t know you, I’m begging you to think of your baby and your well being. This guy is dangerous. Most abusers don’t get “cured” unless they are undergoing YEARS of intense therapy and lots of prayer. This guy has some underline issues in his life and they are manifesting through violence. He will strike you again. Do yourself a favor and get away from him.

 

[Godyssey]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't know you, but I don't believe that abusers change and hope that you don't go back to him. I believe that they are always dangerous and I'm glad that you got away safely.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[BlkOnyx488]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. But please don't let your emotions over take reason and a sound mind.

The fact is if he felt he truely needed conseling, he would have gotten himself together and come to you a few months from now with proof that he had changed. What he attempted to do was make everything appear to be your fault, YOU didn't Come by, YOU didn't trust him, YOU YOU YOU!! He is still mentally abusing you by trying to level all this guilt in your direction.

But just remember whenever he points the finger of blame there are still 3 fingers pointing back to his shame.

This guy is not going to change, he just wants to get you back away from your family and control you once again, a real man would have come to your mothers house with his hat in his hand, and a sincere apology in his heart.

I know it's hard but i pray you stay far away from him. He can't stop mentally abusing you long enough to fake apologize

 

[panamoni]

I'm very sorry you're dealing with this.
He's not going to change. Even if he goes to counseling -- he'd have to do it for about 1-2 years before he even started to show signs of real change. As an abuser, his mindset is ingrained with entitlement issues and the propensity to control.
So, you need to accept that being apart from him is the best thing that you can do for yourself and your child if you choose to have it.
Good luck with everything. Take this time to take care of yourself and do what's best for you.

 

[abcd09]

Listen,

He WILL NOT change. No he will nto change as long as he is with you because he feels power over you. He tells you he will change and he loves you because he is playing mind games. Abusive people are excellent at making you think you are unworthy and deserving of all the blame. Abusive people are masters at making you think YOU are the cause of the problems.

Even when they apologize in a matter of days...weeks (it will not take months) your abuser will start blaming you and will be back on the same behavior.

Yelling is a form of control. He knows it scares you. He knows it hurts you. Thats why he does it. To keep you in your place.

He's even got you thinking you love him. Look at how tricky he is.

This is how abusers are...and it will take YEARS for him to change. Why? Because most abusers are narcississts. He's learned to only care about himself and to put people down. He has to unlearn that. This takes repeated practice and retraining of the way the brain thinks. This takes years. He may not even know he's playing mind games. He may even really beleive he loves you and just isnt misunderstanding power for love. This is beucase he has leanred that violence and threats and insults are how you deal with people. If this is how he feels then he's got to learn how to be a completely new person and redefine how he tihnks of relationships. BUT You have to ask yourself, Do you really want to wait and spend years on this guy? A guy who has laid his hands on you with intent? Do you really want to stick around to see if his therapy works?

Im glad you are staying with family and are planning on being a single mom.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship two years ago. I was able to cut off communication with him and it was such a big relief. I know you two have a child now but any way of emotionally distancing yourself otherwise will help YOU become the healthy, happy, emotionally and physically safe person you are meant to be and need to be instead of waiting for him to learn to do respect you.

Abusive relationships bludgeon the way the abused person sees the world and relationships. You have the right to protect your value of yourself and the world around you.

Remember anytime you feel bad for him or like you love him and can make it right, ask yourself If I continue in this relationship where will I be mentally in two,five,ten years from now?

 

[I Am So Blessed]

im so glad you chose not to murder this child like so many women do in this situation. be strong and god will make a way for you..

 

[mscocoface]

You are going to need some legal advice. If this man is abusive check all options about this child you are carrying. If he is the father he can come back and really create some havoc in your life.

I don't mean to be a ebully or pry but it sounds like he was abusive before you got pregnant and even while you are pregnant now.

I am concerned what he will be capable of when you have the baby and if he tries to get at the very least visitation rights.

Abuse can be done in a manner of ways and getting to you through you child is one of them.

I truly hope the best for you. Take care of yourself and get some counselling and legal advice.

 

[song_of_serenity]

I saw you post in the other forum and I wanted to know an update on this situation...is everything ok?

 

[Mahoganybeauty]

......Bump.....

 

[DrC]

I was in an abusive relationship back in 2003 which lasted for a year and a half. From a previously abused victim to another: ....I'm giving you tough love and I'm going to tell you this right now: DO NOT EXPECT SYMPATHY FROM OTHERS IF YOU DECIDE TO GO BACK TO THIS MAN....he is NOT going to change otherwise he would understand that involving change in himself doesn't include you. No need for pressure if he cares about the time and space you need. If you REALLY are 100% fed up with this man...you will: 1. Take yourself to the courthouse for a restraining order. 2. Get friends and family who care for you involved, to help with safety and care for your unborn child.
3. Run away from this man ASAP and don't look back. 4. Buy protection

Until then, there is no way your friends, family, and the LHCF members here can help you, if you can't even take into consideration of helping yourself.