Do Flirty/Naturally Flirtatious Women Finish First?

[CarLiTa]

Meant to add:

What I really like about point 1 is that it's applicable to non-romantic situations and really forces you to take ownership of your social life.

When I'm feeling like: "oh man, I haven't done anything in X amount of time," I have to ask myself:

Did people invite me out?
If yes, did I go or flake out?
If not, then *I* need to invite *them* out.

Easy-peezy.

There was a nice story about this older divorced man who would throw dinner parties and have people invite friends he didn't know so that both he and his guests would get to meet new people.

 

[Fine 4s]

I'm curious about building intimacy within a relationship. What should folks do together to build deep intimacy. Google!!!

 

[Holla]

I'm curious about building intimacy within a relationship. What should folks do together to build deep intimacy. Google!!!

I agree with a lot of what was said so far like going out and sitting together in a booth or at a 90 degree angle so as to be less confrontational.

I read something recently (online article forgot the name) where it said couples should have sensual secrets. ....something that only the two of you know about. Like times when you are wearing nothing underneath an outfit or the time you did it in the back seat or at a park or on the beach....times when it was fun, private, and enjoyed by both. It creates a good memory and builds intimacy.

 

[caribeandiva]

I agree with a lot of what was said so far like going out and sitting together in a booth or at a 90 degree angle so as to be less confrontational.

I read something recently (online article forgot the name) where it said couples should have sensual secrets. ....something that only the two of you know about. Like times when you are wearing nothing underneath an outfit or the time you did it in the back seat or at a park or on the beach....times when it was fun, private, and enjoyed by both. It creates a good memory and builds intimacy.

I totally agree. Intimacy is the glue that holds a relationship together, not sex. BTW sex doesn't equal intimacy.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@CarLiTa I get what you mean by giving advice. The problem is that some quieter people find they still receive adequate opportunities, others don't. I know you're finding enough guys are still approaching despite your quiet nature, but it may not be the case for another woman who is quiet. I agree it's good to play up your good points (there is actually a lot of stereotypical femininty in shyness!) but if one isn't catching enough quality fish the net needs to be modified a little.

All I know is in my situations where I have hung back:

For example - When I think a friend may have a thing for the guy she's flirting with I rather her enjoy the interaction without butting in too much.

Being quiet was often NOT an effective deterrent against getting attention lol. I wish it was because I find the situation above particularly awkward.

However, all the times I have been noticed and/or picked over other attractive friends who were in flirtatious mode I may have been doing other things that attract. In every situation I was well dressed in a way that complimented my assets, smiled/laughed often, was comfortable in my skin and felt sexy generally. I was having a good time.

I moved, sat, stood, walked, or danced confidently etc... I think it's really important to work on being comfortable in who you are and your own brand of sexiness/personality. Whichever type of friends you are around . That's what often makes men curious even before hearing you speak!

What I am trying to say is there's no reason for you to disappear just because you are not talking quite as much as the next girl . It is not my experience anyhoo. If feeling outshined by other types of beauty/personalities it can happen though. Feeling less than wont make you feel good. If you don't feel good you wont sparkle as much when you do talk and when listening. It makes for insecure body language too.

Ideally I would advise people to be open in body language, warm in tone and be friendly when trying to make connections. Confidence in your own style, body and personality is very important too IMO. That catches attention whether you are mingling well, or silently looking at paintings in a gallery.

EXCELLENT advice @Sumra!!! Especially the parts in bold.

ITA. Maybe that's what's worth cultivating (along with not being *too* quiet). Getting and looking comfortable in one's skin. Because many quiet people still get attention based on their demeanor.

@CarLiTa So now this is my question.... How can girls who are more "reserved" or "quiet" appear to be more "comfortable" in their own skin?? What does being "comfortable" in one's skin even LOOK like??? I think many times we view extroverts to be more "comfortable" in one's skin, but introverts we look as if they may be less comfortable? We're a very "extroverted" society when you think about it. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, etc.

Crystalline, you seem extreeemely bubbly by your posts on the forum. It surprises me that you say it doesn't show in your interactions offline?

@CarLiTa

Lol....thanks girl. Idk if I mentioned it in this thread or another thread, but I think that I'm actually more of a HYBRID. I tend to be "in my head" a lot, and somewhat introverted, but around my friends and people that I know and I'm comfortable with, I'm more extroverted.

I would say that I'm "situationally shy". In other words, I usually feel "shy" or more "self-conscious" around strangers, or guys I may have an interest in. Around friends or guys that I'm not interested in, I'm the life of the party! I'm funny, smiling, having a good time, goofy even lol :reddancer: But I think around STRANGERS, I'm not as outgoing. Like, I have to FORCE myself to treat them like I would treat someone I've known for months or years. Whereas, my roomie, she's definitely extroverted, so she can meet you for the first time, and treat you like she's comfortable around you and have known you for YEARS! I wish I were more like that, but it definitely comes harder for me. I have to FORCE myself to be more engaging and comfortable like that.

I think that's also why she has tons of guys chasing after her like love-sick puppy dogs lol....

 

[CarLiTa]

hey Crystalicequeen123,

sorry, missed your tag.

What does being comfortable in one's skin look like?

I don't think I have an answer, sorry to say. I know what *not* looking comfortable in one's skin looks like, though. I'd probably describe that as: "you look as though you're thinking about what people are thinking about you" -- i.e, either like a deer in headlights, a tight-lipped smile, closed off body language (arms crossed, body turned away from group, etc.).

That's easier to explain than does "looking comfortable," because I'd be using abstract language like "you're just existing, in your skin, present but unbothered" which makes me kind of sound like a hippie.

I don't think you have to treat strangers as though you've known them for months. There's a special type of people who can naturally do that (and even then, not everyone likes that being done to them... I know I don't always like it). The thing is just to not be tongue-tied once spoken to, or to be able to initiate a conversation to lighten the atmosphere. I'm not the life of the party, and I don't care to be (I'm comfortable in my skin...), BUT, once I start speaking to someone, I'm "present" and "unbothered" -- as in, I'm not wondering what they're thinking, what I should say instead, blah blah. You know, we're just conversing, engaging. I don't know how to explain it -- except being "present and unbothered"

(btw: any time that I find myself tongue-tied around a guy, I tell myself it's because I've built him up in my head. This always turns out to be true, because why the heck would some random stranger man makes me lose function of skills that I possess at any other point in my everyday life? My comfort interacting with people should not depend with how good-looking I find them. That's just my view, though.)

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

hey @Crystalicequeen123,

sorry, missed your tag.

What does being comfortable in one's skin look like?

I don't think I have an answer, sorry to say. I know what *not* looking comfortable in one's skin looks like, though. I'd probably describe that as: "you look as though you're thinking about what people are thinking about you" -- i.e, either like a deer in headlights, a tight-lipped smile, closed off body language (arms crossed, body turned away from group, etc.).

That's easier to explain than does "looking comfortable," because I'd be using abstract language like "you're just existing, in your skin, present but unbothered" which makes me kind of sound like a hippie.

I don't think you have to treat strangers as though you've known them for months. There's a special type of people who can naturally do that (and even then, not everyone likes that being done to them... I know I don't always like it). The thing is just to not be tongue-tied once spoken to, or to be able to initiate a conversation to lighten the atmosphere. I'm not the life of the party, and I don't care to be (I'm comfortable in my skin...), BUT, once I start speaking to someone, I'm "present" and "unbothered" -- as in, I'm not wondering what they're thinking, what I should say instead, blah blah. You know, we're just conversing, engaging. I don't know how to explain it -- except being "present and unbothered"

(btw: any time that I find myself tongue-tied around a guy, I tell myself it's because I've built him up in my head. This always turns out to be true, because why the heck would some random stranger man makes me lose function of skills that I possess at any other point in my everyday life? My comfort interacting with people should not depend with how good-looking I find them. That's just my view, though.)

@CarLiTa

Hey!

No problem lol. I figured you would come back to this thread eventually

Your definition of someone being UNcomfortable in their skin is basically the same way that I would describe it too. But sometimes I wonder if maybe GUYS can sense something else as well. Because Matthew's book, and many OTHER countless books/articles/men say that men can sense insecurity a MILE away. Soooo many books have said this, so it must be true about men. So, even though someone may not be reticent, or acting like a bump on a log, perhaps maybe they are emitting something that men are picking up on? Men seem to be VERY good at picking up on that...which is why I always give some men the side eye when they routinely choose women who are insecure with themselves or uncomfortable in their own skin. Makes me think a man wants to capitalize on that so he can control her. erplexed

Idk.... Perhaps it's just me, but I'm guessing that maybe there is a certain "vibe" that's emitted...whether you are smiling or not. I've known some women who are not particular "smilers", but they seem so comfortable in their own skin and so sure of themselves that they tend to possess a "quiet confidence" about them. The same with some men. Some men can be corny and UNdesirable, but then there are some men who are corny and embrace it, and you can just FEEL that they don't really care who thinks they are corny or whatever, and so that in turn makes you like them and you're drawn to them.

I DEFINITELY agree with your last statement in bold though. Soooo TRUE!! And THIS (imo) is probably the only difference between guys I'm not interested in, and guys that I am interested in. I've even had the experience where I wasn't initially attracted to/interested in a guy, and so I was basically being MYSELF when I first met him (carefree, happy-go-lucky, outgoing, asking questions, etc.). But as SOON as I sense that I'm kind of developing a crush on him, or that he might like me back....I automatically shut down and get nervous the next time I see him again--- It's a bad habit I've had since Elementary school!

 

[CarLiTa]

It wouldn't surprise me if men can sense it. Why couldn't they? And if I, as a woman who's not really checking for other women like that, do notice, then definitely do the ones who are checking (men).

I don't know what they do with their observation, though. But I'd assume some men approach awkward women because they find them cute regardless. I'd guess that's why I got approached in my more awkward days.

Anyway, it is really counterproductive to be tongue-tied around someone you like whom you think also likes you Reiterating the obvious. And you don't have to do anything strikingly different once that's revealed. Just keep interacting with the person as you always did. They fell in like with you when you weren't noticing and were just being yourself, so why should you change up now?

And if conversations are the oil that get relationships started, then by being tongue-tied, you are practically shooting yourself in the foot.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

It wouldn't surprise me if men can sense it. Why couldn't they? And if I, as a woman who's not really checking for other women like that, do notice, then definitely do the ones who are checking (men).

I don't know what they do with their observation, though. But I'd assume some men approach awkward women because they find them cute regardless. I'd guess that's why I got approached in my more awkward days.

Anyway, it is really counterproductive to be tongue-tied around someone you like whom you think also likes you Reiterating the obvious. And you don't have to do anything strikingly different once that's revealed. Just keep interacting with the person as you always did. They fell in like with you when you weren't noticing and were just being yourself, so why should you change up now?

And if conversations are the oil that get relationships started, then by being tongue-tied, you are practically shooting yourself in the foot.

Yea girl, you're so right.... I need to work on this lol. After reading Matthew Hussey's book "Get the Guy" and looking back at some of my past "actions" around guys that I liked, I now see things SOOO much clearer.

I'm going to try to do things differently next time I think just being CONSISTENT makes a big difference. I think I was changing due to nervousness or not really knowing where he stood, and now I'm thinking that this is the worst thing to do.

Oh and I like that last line....Is conversation really the "oil" that jump starts a relationship?? Hmmmm..... :scratchch I never really thought about it like that before...

 

[CarLiTa]

Yea girl, you're so right.... I need to work on this lol. After reading Matthew Hussey's book "Get the Guy" and looking back at some of my past "actions" around guys that I liked, I now see things SOOO much clearer.

I'm going to try to do things differently next time I think just being CONSISTENT makes a big difference. I think I was changing due to nervousness or not really knowing where he stood, and now I'm thinking that this is the worst thing to do.

Oh and I like that last line....Is conversation really the "oil" that jump starts a relationship?? Hmmmm..... :scratchch I never really thought about it like that before...

You really should get that book I mentioned upthread. It doesn't have a catchy, sexy title, BUT, in my opinion, books like get the guy and others will get you on a date. The one I suggested will help you deepen your interactions on those dates to actually get close to someone (IMO) because there aren't tricks and games and smoke screens.

I actually read 'get the guy' and don't remember anything from it, really. Perhaps because I'm already doing what's suggested, or because some of the advice doesn't apply. I don't remember. Not saying it is a bad book. But it definitely takes the catchy, funny, makes you laugh and scream omg! approach. The other is much more thoughtful. There's a page about "matched opposites" that will really make you think. And the other on various levels of intimacy. Really good stuff. (And notice that I'm remembering all this without having had a copy of the book in 3 years. It's that thought-provoking. At least to me).

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

You really should get that book I mentioned upthread. It doesn't have a catchy, sexy title, BUT, in my opinion, books like get the guy and others will get you on a date. The one I suggested will help you deepen your interactions on those dates to actually get close to someone (IMO) because there aren't tricks and games and smoke screens.

I actually read 'get the guy' and don't remember anything from it, really. Perhaps because I'm already doing what's suggested, or because some of the advice doesn't apply. I don't remember. Not saying it is a bad book. But it definitely takes the catchy, funny, makes you laugh and scream omg! approach. The other is much more thoughtful. There's a page about "matched opposites" that will really make you think. And the other on various levels of intimacy. Really good stuff. (And notice that I'm remembering all this without having had a copy of the book in 3 years. It's that thought-provoking. At least to me).

CarLiTa What's the name of the book again????

 

[CarLiTa]

How to make someone fall in love with you in 90 seconds (or mins??) or less

 

[ladysaraii]

How to make someone fall in love with you in 90 seconds (or mins??) or less

I actually have that book! I started it but never finished.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

How to make someone fall in love with you in 90 seconds (or mins??) or less

CarLiTa

Ohhhhh okay!!! Is it THIS book??

If so, the book cover doesn't look familiar, but the title sure does.






I still have these 2 books (written by the same woman actually) stuffed away somewhere in my house:

I have read a little of both of them, but I haven't finished them, because I just felt like they were a reiteration of Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People", and I already read his book which was good. But who knows?? Maybe I ought to pick them back up again or get a copy of the book you've recommended.

 

[CarLiTa]

Yup, that's the (top) one!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

***UPDATE!!***

Well, here's an update on my roommate and the guy that I mentioned at the outset...


TURNS OUT, she REALLY likes him and they have now started basically dating/talking to each other. They had their first official date a couple of weeks ago, and they established that they both have an interest in each other. Good for her!! Sucks for me.... erplexed


Honestly though, I'm happy for her... She actually genuinely seems INTERESTED in this guy, whereas in the past all of the other guys who were interested in her she wasn't all that into. So, the fact that she's w/someone she's interested in is a GOOD thing. So yeah I'm happy for her.

I'm hoping maybe I'll find that too someday...something mutual.... Maybe it's just sour grapes or PMS talking, but sometimes I feel like it will never happen for me.... (something MUTUAL)....

 

[Naveah2050]

***UPDATE!!*** Well, here's an update on my roommate and the guy that I mentioned at the outset... TURNS OUT, she REALLY likes him and they have now started basically dating/talking to each other. They had their first official date a couple of weeks ago, and they established that they both have an interest in each other. Good for her!! Sucks for me.... erplexed Honestly though, I'm happy for her... She actually genuinely seems INTERESTED in this guy, whereas in the past all of the other guys who were interested in her she wasn't all that into. So, the fact that she's w/someone she's interested in is a GOOD thing. So yeah I'm happy for her. I'm hoping maybe I'll find that too someday...something mutual.... Maybe it's just sour grapes or PMS talking, but sometimes I feel like it will never happen for me.... (something MUTUAL)....

Girl you are too nice....

 

[bubbles12345]

Don't tell her about any of your future crushes.

 

[LiftedUp]

If he seems to like flirtatious women and you're not a flirtatious woman then to me it's a mismatch. If you did get together by pretending to be that type of girl then either you will have to pretend the entire time or he would realize that you're not who you taught you were.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Don't tell her about any of your future crushes.

Yep, some women tend to like what other women have or like, keep your mouth shut next time. These bleeps have no mind of their own.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Girl you are too nice....

@Naveah2050 I know, I am aren't I?? But I mean, I don't know if there was anything I could have done anyway. Personally for me, if a guy is interested in someone else, I can't help that. I wouldn't want him anyway lol... especially if he's interested in a friend of mine. I don't play that...

Don't tell her about any of your future crushes.

@bubbles12345
Weeeeeellllll.....it's too late.... erplexed I already told her about this other guy that I kind of have my eye on. erplexed

On ONE hand I think I kinda DO want her to know about some of my future crushes so that she will know that the guy is "off limits" lol...

Now, if the guy genuinely likes HER instead of me, then I will definitely back off. Like I said, I don't play that. But I would at LEAST like the opportunity to get a chance before she comes around....

If he seems to like flirtatious women and you're not a flirtatious woman then to me it's a mismatch. If you did get together by pretending to be that type of girl then either you will have to pretend the entire time or he would realize that you're not who you taught you were.

I definitely agree...

Actually, I think the BEST thing about this situation is the fact that we both have somewhat different personalities. We're both friendly and outgoing, but she's much more outgoing than I am, so she's usually more attracted to guys who are quieter than she is, shyer, and more reserved. Whereas, I'm more in the middle so I can do with either personality in a guy, but I'm more attracted to guys who are confident, a little more outgoing than me, and who I can easily have a conversation with w/out pulling teeth lol. The shyer/more reserved guys tend to be more interested in her I think.... I can't see her with a guy who has a "big personality" like she has. It would be mismatched. Whereas I can do with either personality, but I tend to like guys who are in the middle or a little more on the outgoing side.


So, what would you do if you HAVE told your "flirty friend" about a new crush that you have? Would you just down play it? Or would you just never talk about them ever again and pretend that you've moved on? The damage is already done I guess...I already told her about him. erplexed I can't take it back....

 

[caribeandiva]

I'm very outgoing. I do find myself attracted to quieter more reserved guys. Crystalicequeen123 I had a so called friend who did the same thing to me. She made it her mission to go after guys I liked. We're no longer friends.

 

[Fine 4s]

I'm very outgoing. I do find myself attracted to quieter more reserved guys. Crystalicequeen123 I had a so called friend who did the same thing to me. She made it her mission to go after guys I liked. We're no longer friends. [/QUO

Same here, outgoing and attracted to the quieter mysterious types. No bueno.

 

[Maracujá]

Same here, outgoing and attracted to the quieter mysterious types. No bueno.

Why do you say this? It seems like a perfect combination to me.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I'm very outgoing. I do find myself attracted to quieter more reserved guys. @Crystalicequeen123 I had a so called friend who did the same thing to me. She made it her mission to go after guys I liked. We're no longer friends.

caribeandiva
Awww..... Yea girl... I don't blame you. Anytime a "friend" ROUTINELY makes it a habit of going out of their way to flirt w/guys you're interested in, I don't really consider that person a "friend" anymore. A REAL friend would be trying to hook you up with the guy, or at the very least staying 2 steps behind so that you can figure out where his interest lies (if at all), and seeing where things go for you FIRST before making her move on him.

Even after that, I would still confide in my friend and ask her if she was comfortable w/me dating her prior crush if he were interested in me. If we're close friends I would definitely do that. She may say NO (and that's her choice), but I still have a choice as well. But just out of respect for her I would just make sure she was comfortable, and if not then oh well...at least I tried!


Usually though, 9 times out of 10 I DO NOT even go for guys that my friend is in. Usually if I know a friend is interested in them, they become almost like brothers in my eyes lol. Idk...it just feels wrong somehow. Call it girl code or whatever.

Why do you say this? It seems like a perfect combination to me.

I'm wondering as well! To me it would seem like the best combo/match imo. I've seen a LOT of couples like this actually. Usually people tend to be attracted to things/qualities in other people/or a potential partner that they themselves are lacking. That's why so many people say opposites attract.

IF you're kind of shy and reticent, then you'll probably appreciate a guy who is confident in his skin and can talk to anyone in a room with ease. If you're more loud and outgoing, then you might appreciate a guy who is more quiet, reserved and introspective in his thoughts and views. Maybe he's a better listener than you are, etc.

 

[Fine 4s]

Why do you say this? It seems like a perfect combination to me.

I thought it was "safe" but that's proven to be far from the truth with the guys I've dated. My statement wasn't complete though because it's more about my poor choices than anything else.

 

[knt1229]

It's hard to say. I think that starting and maintaining a good relationship is based on many things. Being flirty can make it easier to get someone's attention but you have to use other skills to determine if the person is right for you and you for them.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Why do you say this? It seems like a perfect combination to me.

Because they are usually crazy behind closed doors.

Nothing wrong with crazy. As long as it's out in the open it's all good. It's being blindsided by someone's crazy that's the problem.

 

[topnotch1010]

Because they are usually crazy behind closed doors.

Nothing wrong with crazy. As long as it's out in the open it's all good. It's being blindsided by someone's crazy that's the problem.

this is so true! The quiet ones are crazy and the loud ones have a lot of insecurities behind closed doors.

 

[Fine 4s]

It's hard to say. I think that starting and maintaining a good relationship is based on many things. Being flirty can make it easier to get someone's attention but you have to use other skills to determine if the person is right for you and you for them.

knt1229

How do you suggest people go about assessing whether someone is right for them? I clearly need practice.