Do Flirty/Naturally Flirtatious Women Finish First?

[Naveah2050]

I agree with this post overall, just wanted to comment on the bolded..... Heauxs, jezebels and loose women get married, engaged and attract quality men all the time. Actually, I know more heauxs and community ***** females in decent relationships and more good girls struggling to find one. Not condoning or promoting promiscuity #jussayin men do try to turn heauxs into housewives sorta ot but not really----some of this makes me wonder, what have some women been doing their entire life with their fathers, grandfathers, brothers and other male relatives??? how does that work? men pretty much operate the same. gas them up, stroke their ego, rub on their "big strong arms" and pretend like they're smart in a soft baby-ish voice with a wide puppy gaze like you're a damsel in distress. pretty self-explanatory. It's the exact same flirtatious behavior without romantic intent.

I think flirtatious women tend to be very comfortable around men - for me it's the fact I grew up around a lot of men eg only girl out of 5 kids and had lots male uncles and cousins to practice on and interact with. Not everyone has that.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I think flirtatious women tend to be very comfortable around men - for me it's the fact I grew up around a lot of men eg only girl out of 5 kids and had lots male uncles and cousins to practice on and interact with. Not everyone has that.

You bring up a valid point.

I'm sure there are all types of women that have mastered the art of flirting but the most naturally flirtatious women I know are only children, only girls or have more brothers than sisters only children. In the rare event there is a sister, this woman is almost always a spaced apart baby raised like an only.

Come to think of it, almost every naturally flirty woman I know fits that profile. some introverts, some extroverts. none are shy tho.

now that I'm thinking about it......although not malicious in intent, these women are also the most naturally manipulative too. If they are smiling or behaving uber friendly, you know that they are up to something or want something. I think people, particularly men, like it. lol---or they like the flattery or being charmed. 9 times out of 10, regardless of suspicious intent they just let it happen it


eta: reason #1081 too many women can be a problem. If you want to practice flirting and feel confident about it, might want to keep female input and interaction to a minimum for a bit and stick to a mostly male audience (as far as flirting is concerned).

 

[SophieDulce]

Op I'm wondering if you have a kind of overly analytical personality?? Like do you imagine a million scenarios in your head before speaking to someone???? Do you tend to care a lot about what people think of you??

I know when I was younger i used to hold back a lot under the guise of being shy, which i really wasn't it was more so me thinking about what the other person was thinking instead of just going for it.

Honestly my advice would be to put yourself in uncomfortable positions a lot so you can get used to talking,smiling. When your at the party, get a drink first. Find your song and start jammin. Then say hi to the first cute guy you see just to gt your feet wet. Oh and start going out alone more. I think flirty women are just more comfortable in their skin, and that's an attractive quality.

 

[Ogoma]

There seems to be a number of definitions of flirty going on in this thread, but based on my definition, I think flirty women do tend to get more guys. They are nice to be around so they attract more people and it is a numbers game after all.

I don't think flirty has anything to do with being an attention-hog or 'easy'. It is being comfortable, charming, and approachable. Even as a woman, I don't like going out with my quiet reserved friends. If I am going out to have fun, having some woman sitting in a corner afraid to come on the dance floor or talk to anyone is a mood-killer. My activities with those types of friends are eating out, meeting for coffee or chilling at their places. I would never ever travel with them either. Been there, done that. Never again.

 

[LiftedUp]

There seems to be a number of definitions of flirty going on in this thread, but based on my definition, I think flirty women do tend to get more guys. They are nice to be around so they attract more people and it is a numbers game after all.

I think so too . My definition is more than just looking pleasant and having a nice personality or flirting lightly to get what you want.

My definition is more of those open women who openly flirt and put themselves out there. All of which I am naturally not.

I agree that it's a numbers game. Another game that I'm not good at. Dating really doesn't work with me. We talk, we go out, we're in a relationship. That's usually my timeline.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@LiftedUp
@keyawarren

Thank you ladies for your positive encouraging posts. I really needed that yesterday.



Reading the responses on here is helping me to put a lot of things into perspective. Thanks ladies!

I know you didn't ask, but did your friend know about your crush?If so, her job was to get you noticed since she knows you are more reserved than her

In answer to your question, yea my friend knew about my crush. erplexed In fact, SHE was the one who initially said months ago that she thought that he liked ME. See....a group of us all go out to a lounge once a month, and some friends bring other friends, and so that's how we all met him and other new people to hang with (through friends of friends). Well, for months (well...once a month) when we would see each other at the lounge, he would be chatting me up, asking me a whole bunch of questions, seeming interested, etc. So, it just totally caught me a little off guard when he started showing interest in my friend!

NOW I see that I was probably just a "door opener" to get to my friend...who he REALLY liked. He was probably just trying to charm me so that he could get closer to HER. It all makes sense now... erplexed But it doesn't make me feel any better. Like I said, it wasn't like I was crushing on him hard or anything (in fact, it's kind of died now lol), but he was just a guy I was keeping in the back of my mind as a "potential".

But my friend has TONS of guys chasing after her... and I think I'm just feeling kind of miffed more so because I get the feeling that this will be a regular occurrence (her getting all the guy attention) if we continue to hang out together all the time. erplexed

Don't get me wrong, I can SEE why the guys go ga-ga over her.... She's tall, slender, gorgeous, blonde , and in addition she's REALLY really sweet (honestly, I love her to death), engaging, outgoing, always smiling, and flirty. So I TOTALLY get why she captivates a lot of men when she walks into a room. But at the same time, I feel like there's gotta be a guy for me too lol!

I think that they get to choose the guys they want vs waiting to be chosen then sifting out of that pool.

YUP!!!! I think so too! I finally realized that this year, and that's why I've been trying to be a little more "proactive" this year with showing guys that I'M interested in more interest, because otherwise I'll keep ending up w/guys I'm NOT interested in making a move on me lol.

Plus, I'm living in a new state now, so I almost HAVE to be more sociable now since I don't have the same social group/friends that I had back home. You kind of have to put yourself out there more when you move.

I agree with the poster who said real friends help get you noticed. Growing up my best friend was very outgoing and loved getting attention from men.

She was always dressed to 'get numbers' and have any man who looked at her eye contact and a smile. I, on the other hand, thought I was above this and generally didn't relish in make attention the way she did.

Over time, she got more and more confident and I actually started to think something was wrong with me. EVERYTIME I went anywhere with her, she was grinning and cooing before the dudes ever got to us....and they always chose her.

What I learned was that if guys liked me they were afraid to speak up because I looked so mean all the time. They would ask her about me (if she was dating a friend or something) and he would always 'forget' to tell me.

Then once we went out and I was dressed in something tight, which garnered me a lot of attention and she was very uncomfortable with that.

I learned too soon that I was the 'shy one' so she could shine compared to me. She did not want to see me shine.

And I was so awkward because I got used to being overlooked, despite the fact that I was an attractive young woman who should have been coming into my own.

Don't over think what is happening. She may get quantity, but you can get quality. Don't be afraid to smile, speak up, hold conversations.

My friend was bubbly, but if a guy spent a few minutes talking to me he never forgot me and I always made an impression.

Don't let it shake you. Nothing's wrong with you. Just be yourself and be friendly.

Thanks so much @SelahOco for sharing your experience!

I've been wondering if this (in bolded) is sort of what is going on in the case of my friend/roommate as well.

But I definitely believe that although she may get more QUANTITY, she doesn't really get as much QUALITY because she will like a guy for a hot second, and then find something wrong with him the next. Some of them are legitimate reasons too! But it's like every 3 weeks she's dating or talking to someone new....

Personally for me, I don't need 50 million guys interested in me , all I want is that ONE guy who I'm interested in to be interested in me and make a move.

Being flirtatious is good for life.

I believe this.

 

[LiftedUp]

Crystalicequeen123

I understand your frustration. I went through it as well. Try aligning yourself with men who have similar personalities. Also try attending events where you are forced to interact so then again the quieter man would be forced to interact with you and there he gets an "in".

 

[PeaceFlow]

There seems to be a number of definitions of flirty going on in this thread, but based on my definition, I think flirty women do tend to get more guys. They are nice to be around so they attract more people and it is a numbers game after all.

I don't think flirty has anything to do with being an attention-hog or 'easy'. It is being comfortable, charming, and approachable. Even as a woman, I don't like going out with my quiet reserved friends. If I am going out to have fun, having some woman sitting in a corner afraid to come on the dance floor or talk to anyone is a mood-killer. My activities with those types of friends are eating out, meeting for coffee or chilling at their places. I would never ever travel with them either. Been there, done that. Never again.

I was thinking about the definitions of flirty. Some of the things listed I don't consider flirty, but just good social skills. But I may be lying to myself.

In group situations (parties, get togethers) I'm gregarious and work the room. I attract men, I attract women, but I still don't consider myself generally flirty as a descriptor. I'd be bothered if people classed me that way probably

I consider my own flirting style as darker and cooler than the light bubbles of good interactions, so I tend to separate it. Maybe its all one in the same, but I don't know. What I call friendly might be another persons flirty.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I think it definitely has to do with being personable! People that have an easier going disposition have more gratification in all areas of life.

I don't really go out of my way to flirt. I definitely do not approach men. I just engage in their conversation when its towards me and I know how to dish it right back when they throw those types of jabs. To me that's just the art of conversation.

I feel I am still reserved but being thrown in environments where I have to be super social for work I've learned how to be approachable and how to talk people, especially men. Men are easy. A little body language, simple words, and a smile go a long way.

Body language is a key strength for me. I know how to give that sensual vibe. I really don't do it purposely sometimes, it comes a bit natural for me.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

I definitely believe this!!! I find that things come easier to me when I turn on my feminine "charm" lol.... But I don't KEEP this charm on 24/7, whereas I think that SOME women just naturally do.

But I'll try to work on it a little more.

I think for me I'm probably going to end up marrying a guy who is a little more outgoing/confident than me, because although I'm engaging and "outgoing" at times, I tend to be more "shy" in the guy department, and more introspective at times. There's nothing wrong with that, but I just notice that shy women may have to make more of an EFFORT to give guys that THEY are interested in the GREEN LIGHT....otherwise, they may risk losing out on a few opportunities. erplexed

Hmm in terms of whether flirty women get the guys in the end, I don't know. I believe there is some merit to being the quiet, nice girl that a guy would want to go home to. The type he isn't worried about messing around. If you're the fun, sexy, vivacious chick that's true, but you can err on giving off a mistress kind of vibe. Like a good time girl. So there's that.

In terms of advice, you don't have to be talkative and out there to be flirty. I think being flirty and being outgoing are two very separate things. Personally I'm flirtatious enough to get what I want and I'm also an introvert.

As a woman, of course you want to be an excellent conversationalist, but its not your job to lead the conversation with a guy in the courting process, especially not in the beginning. So I don't really think the gregariousness matters. So much of flirtation is non-verbal. If your friend is really as good of a flirt as you say she is, there are probably a lot of non-verbal cues she gives off to attract men to her. So watch for that. Eye contact is a big one, there's prolonged eye contact, side glances, shy smiles, sipping your drink to draw attention to your lips, crossing and uncrossing your legs, touching yourself, touching him, touching your hair, etc. I really could go on and on.

Also a big part of it is how a man feels around you. Introverts might not do well in group, but we're usually great in one on one conversations. So providing opportunities for him to showcase his wit, leading conversations in areas where he feels smart and comfortable, laugh at his jokes, frown and pout when he teases, comment on his choices, even random ish. One guy was super flattered when I mentioned his drink was a typical man drink. He literally stood up a little straighter, because I validated his masculinity. Guys love that sort of thing.

Be deliberate about creating opportunities for guys to come talk to you. IF you give off even a hint of looking lost, guys will come try to give you directions. Basic stuff, ask a guy to open a bottle for you, and when he does thank him and comment on his strength, boom... you're flirting. Or you can comment how delicate and tiny your hands are compared to his, same difference.

These are the type of things that work for me, but everyone is not me. Take whatever is cute or quirky or endearing about you and play that up. Your type of flirting is probably super different from mine.

SincerelyJane

Thank you thank you thank you for this piece of advice!!! I really need some tips!!! I think that the way "extroverts" flirt and "introverts" flirt are a little different, and I think that because by nature I'm more introverted (I think I'm a hybrid actually lol ) I have to learn more SUBTLE ways of flirting if I'm going to try to catch the eye of a guy who I'm interested in having pursue me.

I can't compete with extroverted women who are loud, seductive, touchy-feely, and "command attention" when they walk in a room....Nor would I want to!! I just would rather be me. Trust me, I can charm and brighten up a room on MANY different occasions, but I notice that I tend to fade in the background (or fade MYSELF into the background) whenever I'm around women who are more attention-seeking. I just let them have their shine. erplexed

Flirty girl checking in - yes we get more men BUT the quality of men isn't necessary matched up with the quantity. Some and dare I say most men IMO prefer reserved women it's more mysterious and empowering for a man to break down a woman than it is for him to have to compete with a woman for attention IMO because flirtatious woman tend to be extroverts so unless the guy is an introvert he will probably prefer to wife up that good girl that he can trust not to flirt or talk to other guys who he had to chase to get.

Naveah2050 Hmmmm....you think so?? I mean, I think men like ALL TYPES of women, but usually I hear men stating that they LOVE it when women "Take charge" or show them that they are interested, or give CLEAR signs that they want them to pursue.

I think my problem is that I give small signs at first, but then lose my nerve and don't CONTINUE to give CLEAR signs of my interest. I'm more shy in the guy dept. lol I didn't grow up with brothers or even a father who was around, so maybe I didn't master the "art" of feminine wiles

I tried being that flirty woman once, when I was 18/19. It was too much damn work to put it plain. I guess it's easier if that's your personality. Then I felt like the guy wanted me to do (imo may be different to others) a lot of work. I like to be chased and I felt like I was pursuing the guy. I ended up dropping him like a hot potato because it just wasn't working for me. He was a bit confused though and asked me about later on but it was too late.

I have a theory, if a guy is that interested in me, he would approach me, and if he's afraid to then that is not the type of man I want to be in a relationship with. I've had the shyest, nerdiest guys approach me because they saw what they want and went after it.

Being overly flirtatious is just not within my personality. You got to man up and approach me.

I cosign with just being yourself.

BINGO! I think you hit the nail on the head! Being "Flirty" is not my natural personality if I don't already feel comfortable w/you and KNOW that you have an interest in ME.

But see, that's the catch-22.... A lot of times a man won't show a woman that he's interested in her UNLESS she shows a flirty vibe.... Oy vey lol....

 

[CaraWalker]

flirty works except for the women who think flirty is code for "ho," which would go a long way toward explaining issues for introverted women who have trouble with men, methinks.

 

[Ogoma]

Sumra

I think being flirty is less about how you define yourself and more how someone else defines you. When I laugh, I throw my head back. Some consider that flirting because I am showing my neck. To me, I am just laughing.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

flirty works except for the women who think flirty is code for "ho," which would go a long way toward explaining issues for introverted women who have trouble with men, methinks.

@bunnycolvin
I can't speak for all/or even most introverted women, but for me personally, it has NOTHING to do with thinking that flirty women are "ho's". For ME, it's more so a shyness around guys I'm INTERESTED in when I don't know how they feel about ME.

I can be flirty, gregarious, and the "life of the party" when I'm around guys I just view as "bros" or "FRIENDS ONLY". I can be all :reddancer: around them 24/7 lol.

But when it comes to a guy that I'm actually INTERESTED in?? I turn into a person I don't even recognize... erplexed



In fact, I'm probably more of a hybrid of introvert/extrovert because I don't think I'm a TRUE introvert. I am VERY outgoing around friends, and people that I know very well, and people that I feel COMFORTABLE with. Whereas when people are truly SHY or introverted, they're usually pretty much the same regardless of who is in the room.

My fear has more to do with a fear of being rejected, or feeling like a guy is viewing me as coming on "too strong" as opposed to being viewed as "easy" or whatnot. Idk the balance between being a "challenge" vs. "Giving the GREEN LIGHT". When you like someone, sometimes it's hard to figure out what a guy might view as a good signal to pursue, vs. showing your cards TOO early/too strong.

Like I said, with guys that I have NO interest in, I'm probably considered "Flirty", but when it's with guys that I'm actually kind of feeling, I get a little lol!!!



I think for most introverted women that's probably more so the case. We're afraid to show more OBVIOUS interest because we're not sure where the GUY stands. Now if a guy I was interested in was interested in me then heck yea....I'd be all over that!! It's the BEGINNING thing of getting things "rolling" that I usually have a problem with. erplexed

I don't know how to "get the ball rolling" so to speak.... Which is why I always find out that my guy "friends" or guys that I have ZERO interest in, end up pursuing me or have an interest in me.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I agree with this post overall, just wanted to comment on the bolded.....

Heauxs, jezebels and loose women get married, engaged and attract quality men all the time. Actually, I know more heauxs and community ***** females in decent relationships and more good girls struggling to find one. Not condoning or promoting promiscuity #jussayin men do try to turn heauxs into housewives

sorta ot but not really----some of this makes me wonder, what have some women been doing their entire life with their fathers, grandfathers, brothers and other male relatives??? how does that work? men pretty much operate the same. gas them up, stroke their ego, rub on their "big strong arms" and pretend like they're smart in a soft baby-ish voice with a wide puppy gaze like you're a damsel in distress. pretty self-explanatory. It's the exact same flirtatious behavior without romantic intent.

I hear what you're saying, but I do want to clarify that in my post I was not referring to a person's sexual history at all. I don't think flirty/sexy means outgoing, and I don't think it means heaux lol.

I will say I have experienced the other side of it, where your persona can be misinterpreted as "slutty" and I that's what I was speaking on. And I'm totally an introvert! Anyone can fall victim to gossip and people characterizing you unfairly. Some women will just be mistrustful of you, and the guys won't really help you out in that area even if they like you because they don't want to make waves with their spouses. Also some guys find it threatening, which is usually sexist in nature and totally their problem, but they won't see it that way. Its hard to explain, but if you have a social circle you travel in, its something to be mindful of.

 

[LaBelleLL]

Sumra I think being flirty is less about how you define yourself and more how someone else defines you. When I laugh, I throw my head back. Some consider that flirting because I am showing my neck. To me, I am just laughing.

This is spot on. I don't consider myself to be flirty actually but all of my friends do.

 

[CarLiTa]

Sumra

I think being flirty is less about how you define yourself and more how someone else defines you. When I laugh, I throw my head back. Some consider that flirting because I am showing my neck. To me, I am just laughing.

Totally true. Makes me wonder if they genuinely think it is flirty, or do they use that "flirty" classification because they find the behavior attractive.

Like, is what I'm doing genuinely flirty, or do you just know you like it?

There are some friends whose company I really really enjoy, so when we are together men are frequently looking intrigued or approaching. What I think it is is that they can genuinely tell that we really enjoy each other's company and are having so much fun together. That's attractive. It's like the good/vibrant energy you're channeling towards yourself, your friends, other people ends up attracting others that weren't even on your radar.

 

[CarLiTa]

I also think: no use trying to become a flirtier person. You'll be more successful and it will be more useful in other parts of your life to develop a little bit of charm.

My observation is that women, heck, people who are charming have pleasant demeanor and can make any short interaction with them enjoyable.

I think it is easy to learn some charm... You just have to be aware of people around you and be nice/inquisitive/whatever. It's not about: "oh you big, big strong man you" but basic interest like where they're from, how the weekend was, how they seem so tired today, etc.

I remember one time at a bakery, I was asking the guy at the counter where he was from because his accent sounded really interesting and I couldn't place it. He told me and then gave me a treat with my order. A friend who was with me asked why I was flirting with the man... I was like, hm, I just asked where he was from...

I notice that situations like these happen more and more. Funny, the other day I thought to myself: have I gotten cuter or something? But in reality, I just think my skills in interacting with strangers have improved a lot in the past few years to the point where one might say I have some charm. I do enjoy the benefits tho... good service and free or discounted things, people offering to loom out for me, wanting to see me do well. That was not always the case, at least not so frequently.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I also think: no use trying to become a flirtier person. You'll be more successful and it will be more useful in other parts of your life to develop a little bit of charm.

My observation is that women, heck, people who are charming have pleasant demeanor and can make any short interaction with them enjoyable.

I think it is easy to learn some charm... You just have to be aware of people around you and be nice/inquisitive/whatever. It's not about: "oh you big, big strong man you" but basic interest like where they're from, how the weekend was, how they seem so tired today, etc.

I remember one time at a bakery, I was asking the guy at the counter where he was from because his accent sounded really interesting and I couldn't place it. He told me and then gave me a treat with my order. A friend who was with me asked why I was flirting with the man... I was like, hm, I just asked where he was from...

I notice that situations like these happen more and more. Funny, the other day I thought to myself: have I gotten cuter or something? But in reality, I just think my skills in interacting with strangers have improved a lot in the past few years to the point where one might say I have some charm. I do enjoy the benefits tho... good service and free or discounted things, people offering to loom out for me, wanting to see me do well. That was not always the case, at least not so frequently.

Thanks for the tips @CarLiTa!

This definitely hits the nail on the head. I COMPLETELY agree w/flirty behavior being more a factor of showing personal ATTENTION and INTEREST in another individual. It's not ALWAYS about touching someone or batting your eyelashes in the direction of a man that you're interested in lol.

If a man likes you, then even you TALKING to him will be construed as you "Flirting" with him and that will in turn give him the "Green Light" to pursue you if he's available lol.

I have noticed that I DO have this natural inquisitive side to me, and I ask people questions sometimes randomly (like the guy behind the counter you mentioned), but my problem is, I don't do it OFTEN enough (IMO---I have to FORCE myself to be more "aware" of others because I tend to be in my own little "world" at times lol ), AND...I have a HARD time being that way w/guys I'm actually interested in because I'm so worried that the guy will take my "curiosity" the wrong way (ie."coming on too strong", fear of rejection, or "showing too much interest TOO soon" )....But you know what?? I think I'm just going to say "forget what people think!" I'm going to try being more "engaging and "aware" of others and conversational. I've already gotten better this year w/being more sociable with STRANGERS. It does feel good.

One thing I've realized as I've gotten older is that Dale Carnegie's book is SPOT ON!!!!

 

[CarLiTa]

Cool. But I want to reiterate Sumra's point that it isn't necessary to always be talking. It is okay to be quiet person. Just be pleasant once spoken to. That's my approach generally. I don't always start conversations with strangers, but once the conversation starts, it is generally quite good. You know, leverage your strengths as an introvert.

You don't have to attract everyone, but those who are attracted, make them feel like your attention is worthwhile... if that makes sense... these types of advice are always kinda awkward

 

[Mortons]

I think flirty/charming women finish first with everyone. The people I tend to get things from when flirting a lot are with straight women. Pour on a little charm and women start loving you.

 

[sylver2]

i dont flirt cuz i want him. im flirty as hell. men eat it up. lol theres a difference between being warm, open, funny, engaging.. and trying to be up in some dude face like u want him.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

i dont flirt cuz i want him. im flirty as hell. men eat it up. lol theres a difference between being warm, open, funny, engaging.. and trying to be up in some dude face like u want him.

sylver2

Hmm....interesting point!

Do you mind elaborating a little on the differences or actions of Flirting Because You Want A Guy vs. Flirting/Being Charming With A Guy?

I always just assumed that most guys view it as being flirty with them either way lol

 

[caribeandiva]

I think flirtatious women tend to be very comfortable around men - for me it's the fact I grew up around a lot of men eg only girl out of 5 kids and had lots male uncles and cousins to practice on and interact with. Not everyone has that.

Naveah2050 omg i'm the same way! I grew up with 6 brothers plus my dad. Not to mention my uncles, cousins, and grandpas. My extended family's predominantly male so I'm very comfortable around men. Because of that I've been called a man magnet. Being very outgoing also helps.

 

[RegaLady]

My answer is no, but I didn't vote because the only no answer was because flirty girls are easy (or something along those lines).

Anyway, it is not a contest. This is not the Hunger Games. It is not all or nothing. 50% of marriages end up in divorce...that is for both flirty and non-flirty girls. There is not one type that gets married more than the other.

You and your personality will shine through ONCE you are really cool with yourself (once you love yourself) whatever your true nature is...shy, introvert, extrovert, flirty, non-flirty, etc. It takes a whole lot more than just being flirty to get a man's attention and to keep that man's attention.

Agreed.

 

[caribeandiva]

Thanks for the tips @CarLiTa!

This definitely hits the nail on the head. I COMPLETELY agree w/flirty behavior being more a factor of showing personal ATTENTION and INTEREST in another individual. It's not ALWAYS about touching someone or batting your eyelashes in the direction of a man that you're interested in lol.

If a man likes you, then even you TALKING to him will be construed as you "Flirting" with him and that will in turn give him the "Green Light" to pursue you if he's available lol.

I have noticed that I DO have this natural inquisitive side to me, and I ask people questions sometimes randomly (like the guy behind the counter you mentioned), but my problem is, I don't do it OFTEN enough (IMO---I have to FORCE myself to be more "aware" of others because I tend to be in my own little "world" at times lol ), AND...I have a HARD time being that way w/guys I'm actually interested in because I'm so worried that the guy will take my "curiosity" the wrong way (ie."coming on too strong", fear of rejection, or "showing too much interest TOO soon" )....But you know what?? I think I'm just going to say "forget what people think!" I'm going to try being more "engaging and "aware" of others and conversational. I've already gotten better this year w/being more sociable with STRANGERS. It does feel good.

One thing I've realized as I've gotten older is that Dale Carnegie's book is SPOT ON!!!!

Crystalicequeen123 I was JUST about to mention that book as I read your post. That book changed my life. I'm naturally outgoing but that book made me more charming and outgoing. I highly recommend it.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@Crystalicequeen123 I was JUST about to mention that book as I read your post. That book changed my life. I'm naturally outgoing but that book made me more charming and outgoing. I highly recommend it.

caribeandiva Yes, his book is really good. It's been touted as "The First Self-Help Book" since it's so old, but its information is so timeless and valuable even today.

I have been re-reading this book again and have been implementing the tips in my everyday life, and let me tell you.........the difference is like night and DAY!

 

[PeaceFlow]

CarLiTa I get what you mean by giving advice. The problem is that some quieter people find they still receive adequate opportunities, others don't. I know you're finding enough guys are still approaching despite your quiet nature, but it may not be the case for another woman who is quiet. I agree it's good to play up your good points (there is actually a lot of stereotypical femininty in shyness!) but if one isn't catching enough quality fish the net needs to be modified a little.

All I know is in my situations where I have hung back:

For example - When I think a friend may have a thing for the guy she's flirting with I rather her enjoy the interaction without butting in too much.

Being quiet was often NOT an effective deterrent against getting attention lol. I wish it was because I find the situation above particularly awkward.

However, all the times I have been noticed and/or picked over other attractive friends who were in flirtatious mode I may have been doing other things that attract. In every situation I was well dressed in a way that complimented my assets, smiled/laughed often, was comfortable in my skin and felt sexy generally. I was having a good time.

I moved, sat, stood, walked, or danced confidently etc... I think it's really important to work on being comfortable in who you are and your own brand of sexiness/personality. Whichever type of friends you are around . That's what often makes men curious even before hearing you speak!

What I am trying to say is there's no reason for you to disappear just because you are not talking quite as much as the next girl . It is not my experience anyhoo. If feeling outshined by other types of beauty/personalities it can happen though. Feeling less than wont make you feel good. If you don't feel good you wont sparkle as much when you do talk and when listening. It makes for insecure body language too.

Ideally I would advise people to be open in body language, warm in tone and be friendly when trying to make connections. Confidence in your own style, body and personality is very important too IMO. That catches attention whether you are mingling well, or silently looking at paintings in a gallery.

 

[CarLiTa]

ITA. Maybe that's what's worth cultivating (along with not being *too* quiet). Getting and looking comfortable in one's skin. Because many quiet people still get attention based on their demeanor.

 

[CarLiTa]

There's this good tip that just came to mind that doesn't have much to do with speaking: sit in the center of the room. When you enter a bar, do you run to the corner table? When you're at a restau, where do you sit? I read this in a book 3+ years ago and nowadays just naturally position myself in the center of the room. That book said that you have to make it easy for people to get to you, if you want to be approached (I have experiences w the opposite, too).

My current SO and I met at a conference. I was there alone, and during lunch I was looking for a place to sit. There were a bunch of empty tables, but also 1 table that had just 1 seat open at the very center, right next to him. Supposedly he had noticed me earlier and was so glad I'd come to sit next to him, but I frankly can't say it was him that drew me to the table. I just knew I wanted to interact with several people, and that table looked talkative. So, I maneuvered my way over and asked if I could sit there, and they said yes.

I ended up making business contacts with many people, and at the end of the lunch, he and I talked for a while. I was kinda intrigued and kind of annoyed, to be honest. Supposedly that was him trying to appear cool, but not doing a particularly good job at it
By the end of the conference (not by our doing) we ended up sharing a taxi and becoming acquaintances.

There are days when I'm like: I'm really glad I sat next to you at the conference that day

Crystalline, you seem extreeemely bubbly by your posts on the forum. It surprises me that you say it doesn't show in your interactions offline?

 

[topnotch1010]

CarLiTa what book was it that you read? Sounds like a goodie!

 

[CarLiTa]

CarLiTa what book was it that you read? Sounds like a goodie!

topnotch1010, it's called: how to get someone to fall in love with you in 90 minutes or less

I saw it at Marshalls while browsing the book session and noticed it *wasn't* what I thought, so I bought it.

Unlike most books I've read, this had the advice that stuck out to me the most. It takes a psychology-based approach to building intimacy. And it also seems to assume that there isn't game-playing happening. In my case, that's great because I never did well with games.

I haven't had the book in 3 years now (lent it to someone and never got it back), but here's what I remember:

1. If you're trying to put yourself out there, say yes to every invite, and organize events yourself. (I never actually did that but whenever I'm in a social rut I remember this advice)

2. Sit in the center of the room

3. There are different levels of conversational intimacy, and he details each and gives a really good example of a couple progressing upward as they got closer. This was *really* good for me at the time I bought the book because I'd had a pretty crappy experience with over sharing just before that.

4. How to actually build intimacy while on a date. Things like: bodies facing each other, crossing legs toward each other, heart open, mirroring behavior, etc.
(I don't do those now really, but I enjoyed putting them in practice at the time. It was fun I've learned what kinds of dates work for me and make me/ and generally the other person feel more open, and for example if I like someone, when we go to dinner I like to sit next to each other as opposed to face-to-face. Guys have seemed pleasantly surprised when I make that suggestion.... but I'm just trying to avoid an interview-like feel. Plus I don't want to have to strain to hear what they're saying.)

5. The power of genuine "me too" moments and of listening carefully. Basically remember that the dates are about getting to know the person, not any other agenda (like a free meal) so, listen and listen well. The more you seem engaged and nonjudgmental, the more the other party might want to share... but remember point #3 above).