Dating -- who pays? when?

[envybeauty]

ok....so this question is more for the dating experts on here

the guy asks the girl out. both are employed adults. maybe she makes more, maybe not. they never discuss income or earning power before going on the date. who pays on the first date?

let's say the guy pays for dinner on the first date. should the gal pay for dinner on the second date? if no, then on the third date?

who pays?

ETA: I guess my question should have been AT WHAT POINT DOES THE WOMAN OFFER TO PAY (even if she expects the guy to refuse her offer and he will pay anyway)

 

[Bunny77]

Hey... hmmm, let me see... while I don't have any hard and fast rules about this, most of the men I've dated have wanted to pay on the first date, and if they're the ones asking me out, I expect them to pay.

After that... well, while I'd be open to paying for later dates (and have at times), these same men have picked up the bill on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc., dates... I'll even often to pay at times (maybe by date No. 4) and they adamantly say no.

The one thing a guy allowed me to do was to treat him to a $4 smoothie after we got dinner. I think he appreciated the thought, plus I told him that this one smoothie place had the best smoothies ever and I wanted him to try one -- so I felt like I wanted to treat him.

I dunno... it seems like men who really want to be gentlemen just see it as their obligation to pay for 90% of the dates and they are happy to do so!

 

[lexi08]

Well for me its a no brainer....the man pays. I do not pay for dates, period. I am somewhat old fashioned/traditional and I believe the man should pay for me when I am with him. My SO always pays for our meals out/entertainment and has never even hinted that I should pay. It would be a huge turnoff if a man expected for me to pay for a date, especially the first one The only exception I make is on special occasions I treat him (birthday, new promotion etc.). I do however return the favor by preparing him home cooked meals when he is in town, he really likes this and is always appreciative because he travels so much and has to eat at restaurants alot.

 

[glamazon386]

I dunno... it seems like men who really want to be gentlemen just see it as their obligation to pay for 90% of the dates and they are happy to do so!

This has been my experience too.

 

[dlewis]

The man always pays...........

 

[Bunny77]

This has been my experience too.

Hey girl... how are ya?

Yeah, and the few times they don't pay for a date is NOT because they decided they didn't want to... I'd offer (again, after many dates had passed) and they might decide to just let me do it since I really wanted to do so. Just to show my appreciation -- but if they don't want me to even chip in 10% of the time, I won't!

I went out with this one guy and while it was a mutual decision to go out (we met online), I was STUNNED when he started working out my side of the bill on the first date! I paid my half, and mentally I thought, "Oh well, no second date for you!"

 

[envybeauty]

I guess my question should have been AT WHAT POINT DOES THE WOMAN OFFER TO PAY (even if she expects the guy to refuse her offer and he will pay anyway)

 

[Kimberly]

For me, the person who requests the date, pays for the date....and since I don't ask for dates...he's paying...

One guy, 47 or 48, showed up to pick me up for our second date and, when we got to the restaurant, told me he had forgotten his wallet and asked if I would be able to pay for dinner and he would pay me back. I should have went with my first instinct to have him take me home right then but I told him "okay" and made him drink water! I have not ever gotten my money back, we've never gone out again, he calls me every so often to "check up on me", and the last time he came by ,y place (a couple of weeks ago), he had the nerves to try to kiss me... I literally had to push him up off of me!

but I digress...I do tendf ot ramble...no, I don't pay for dates. If it is something special like a birthday or something...maybe But mama always told me, when a lady is out with a man, she shouldn't have to go in her purse for anything but her lipstick!

 

[dlewis]

NYbeauty, I would never offer, but that's just me.

 

[FlowerHair]

You can always offer to pay, but I would be very disappointed if he accepted your offer...

I think you can do that after your first 3-4 dinners, I think the man should pay the first few times.

It's ok to pay for something small, like the drinks or the desserts, but in general the man should always pay.

On the other hand, when you know eachother better you may invite him to your home and cook for him and then you pay of course.
The one who invites someone whether it is out for dinner or home for dinner should pay. You are the guest, right?

 

[Kimberly]

I guess my question should have been AT WHAT POINT DOES THE WOMAN OFFER TO PAY (even if she expects the guy to refuse her offer and he will pay anyway)

I'm sorry...I don't comprehend....offer to pay

No, I don't think so. It's your birthday, it's my treat, maybe.

 

[dlewis]

I'm sorry...I don't comprehend....offer to pay

No, I don't think so. It's your birthday, it's my treat, maybe.

yea maybe..............

 

[lexi08]

I guess my question should have been AT WHAT POINT DOES THE WOMAN OFFER TO PAY (even if she expects the guy to refuse her offer and he will pay anyway)

You don't offer......

 

[NeeSee]

NYbeauty, I would never offer, but that's just me.

Me either d. But I think whoever ask the other out should pay. If the man ask the women then he should pay. If the woman ask the man then she should.

 

[MissScarlett]

he pays, he's the man I'm pretty traditional so I expect that and if its otherwise then I woudn't dare them

 

[Hidden_Angel]

if she asks, her, if he asks him....

and most of the time i mite buy little drinks but overall... HONEY YOU PAYING

 

[envybeauty]

Interesting. Just trying to get an idea of what women do these days.

A friend of mine told me that she never offers to pay until date number 4. After that, she will offer to pay and if he says no, then fine. But she says a woman should make the gesture at some point (albeit date 4, 5, 20 whatever).

My cousin offered to pay half from date number 1 because she "didn't want him to think she was needy" --

Another friend of mine went dutch with her guy from day one. They got married two years later (not that there is any correlation but I'm just saying).

 

[dlewis]

he pays, he's the man I'm pretty traditional so I expect that and if its otherwise then I woudn't date them

I wonder if maybe the younger generation is less traditional. I have never thought about this in my dating life. Now that I'm married, I carry the check book so I pay more (only if he has no loose change) but it's OUR money.

 

[Poohbear]

the guy asks the girl out. both are employed adults. maybe she makes more, maybe not. they never discuss income or earning power before going on the date. who pays on the first date?

THE GUY

let's say the guy pays for dinner on the first date. should the gal pay for dinner on the second date?

NO

if no, then on the third date?

NO

who pays?

THE GUY

ETA: I guess my question should have been AT WHAT POINT DOES THE WOMAN OFFER TO PAY (even if she expects the guy to refuse her offer and he will pay anyway)

NEVER!

 

[Arcadian]

I'm non traditional. Back in my day (wow I sound old), if I asked a guy out for a date, I expected to pay.

However, the reality is, most of the guys I asked out were embarrassed and offended I would even reach for the check at the end of the meal, much less allow me to pay for it.

But, there were a few that had no qualms about me paying for the date, and because I asked them out, I had no qualms paying.


-A

 

[Kimberly]

the guy asks the girl out. both are employed adults. maybe she makes more, maybe not. they never discuss income or earning power before going on the date. who pays on the first date?

THE GUY

let's say the guy pays for dinner on the first date. should the gal pay for dinner on the second date?

NO

if no, then on the third date?

NO

who pays?

THE GUY

ETA: I guess my question should have been AT WHAT POINT DOES THE WOMAN OFFER TO PAY (even if she expects the guy to refuse her offer and he will pay anyway)

NEVER!

 

[MissScarlett]

I wonder if maybe the younger generation is less traditional. I have never thought about this in my dating life. Now that I'm married, I carry the check book so I pay more (only if he has no loose change) but it's OUR money.

I think the younger kids maybe, they might look at it like i'm independent and I can pay for myself. but to me its not whether you can pay or not.

Oh yeah that is how we do it, i'm in charge of the money, although dh pays all the bills, i manage the leftovers

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Well, I don't ask men out so me paying, especially on a first date, is out of the question. When I ws younger, I had this whole "independent woman"/feminism thing going on, but I was doing myself a disservice...

He pays 100% of the time when we go out together. I have not "offered" to pay because I haven't felt compelled to do so. I do other things for him, i.e. cooking, gifts, decorating, etc that serve as reciprocity, not that there needs to be any.

OP, I think a good time to offer may be his birthday or some other time when you want to treat him to something special. The LAST thing you want is for him to think that you paying will be a regular occurrence. He needs to understand that you paying is the exception, not the rule.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

I have never offered to pay. if a guy expects me to offer or bring out my card to pay for a meal or whatnot, i would rather stay home. some guy actually asked me to pay for a meal a few days ago and needless to say, i dont plan on ever seeing or even going out with him again

 

[envybeauty]

Is salary a factor?

Would you all still say he should pay on dates every time even if the woman makes more? "More" being like 30% and above what he makes.

 

[Keen]

For me, the person who requests the date, pays for the date....and since I don't ask for dates...he's paying...

One guy, 47 or 48, showed up to pick me up for our second date and, when we got to the restaurant, told me he had forgotten his wallet and asked if I would be able to pay for dinner and he would pay me back. I should have went with my first instinct to have him take me home right then but I told him "okay" and made him drink water! I have not ever gotten my money back, we've never gone out again, he calls me every so often to "check up on me", and the last time he came by ,y place (a couple of weeks ago), he had the nerves to try to kiss me... I literally had to push him up off of me!

but I digress...I do tendf ot ramble...no, I don't pay for dates. If it is something special like a birthday or something...maybe But mama always told me, when a lady is out with a man, she shouldn't have to go in her purse for anything but her lipstick!

I would pay in this situation. I would never go out with him again unless he paid me back right away and I get the feeling that it was an honest mistake.

 

[dlewis]

Is salary a factor?

Would you all still say he should pay on dates every time even if the woman makes more? "More" being like 30% and above what he makes.

I don't think that should matter. I would think that your salary would not be discussed until much much latter. I always believed gentlemen pay no matter what.

 

[Keen]

Well, I don't ask men out so me paying, especially on a first date, is out of the question. When I ws younger, I had this whole "independent woman"/feminism thing going on, but I was doing myself a disservice...

He pays 100% of the time when we go out together. I have not "offered" to pay because I haven't felt compelled to do so. I do other things for him, i.e. cooking, gifts, decorating, etc that serve as reciprocity, not that there needs to be any.

OP, I think a good time to offer may be his birthday or some other time when you want to treat him to something special. The LAST thing you want is for him to think that you paying will be a regular occurrence. He needs to understand that you paying is the exception, not the rule.

I always look forward to your inputs. That's what I'm talking about.

From what I see if a guy think you worth it, he will pick up the bill. My friend once said that a guy's willingness and ability to pay is an indication that he will not shy away from financial responsibility during the marriage.

 

[MizAvalon]

I'm pretty traditional about gender roles so my answer is the man pays.

 

[Kimberly]

Is salary a factor?

Would you all still say he should pay on dates every time even if the woman makes more? "More" being like 30% and above what he makes.

He should be able to select dates that are within his range...I'm not real hard to please. We can go to the matinee and he can even use a BOGO coupon at dinner. I don't care...but if he just can't afford it, sounds like he needs to stay home.