Cut Buddy

[fluffyforever]

....

 

[ChasingBliss]

Could the "cut buddy" and FWB culture be the reason so many of us are unable to find suitable mates?

Know this -- most men will travel the road of least resistance.

Though many of us will never admit it, we are shaping the way men treat women as a whole in the future by what we freely giveaway now.

I've been thinking and saying this for a long time. There has definitely been a shift in the last decade or even longer in the way men act in regards to relationships and sex. I have so many stories from my daughter and her friends on this very thing. I feel sad for them. Things have changed a lot. Even some of the men I know in their late 30s and 40s who SAY they are looking for real relationships are complaining about today's mentality. I know if I was single right now...I would stay single till I friggen died. I cant play out here with this mess. Im a whole package...cant compartmentalize (as much as I'd like to as I see it serves many well in other aspects of life).

ive never had feelings for a non-exclusive sexual partner that weren't there to begin with. having sex with someone consistently doesnt make me like them more than i would if we weren't having sex.

the last guy i dated (Guy A) was a "casual" relationship because he was not someone i was interested in being monogamous with. we went out for maybe seven or eight months, and by the end of it he was wanting to put a title on it. i never developed those feelings, and when he started pushing for it, i had to straight up be like NO.

on the other hand, i had also been seeing this other guy (Guy B) right before we met. B had asked me out right at the end of this casual relationship, which was why it was the end B asked me to go to a street fest with him. A and i had plans and i canceled them to hang out with B, and after that he got all territorial. anyway, the feelings for B were there right from the start even though we didnt hang out anywhere near as frequently. i wanted B from day one, and the sexual relationship only exacerbated that.

the kind of thing being talked about in the op is a little black and white for me, my relationships tend to be somewhat more complex or unorthodox - probably BECAUSE i'm not the kind of girl whose feelings for men come about in the way that's being described.

edit - interestingly enough, after B i lost a lot of interest in sexual relationships. the type of sex i had with him was amazing, and i stopped wanting anything that wasn't that. now i would be less inclined to be in noncommitted relationships just because they seem like a waste of time compared to the type of feelings i know i am capable of with someone like B.

Thanks for sharing this. I know these type of things tend to be put out there in black and white. And nothing is that simple. Nothing.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I don't love sex that much to have a cut buddy. There has to be feelings for me to have sex with you.

This.

I've never had a cut buddy or friend with benefits. It doesn't compute for me---mind and body. I would be sonupset and would literally have to be plastered or I'd cry the whole way through followed by *dont touch me!* after it was over lol

 

[Kurlee]

So about this cut buddy. A person can take it all off and start bumping and grinding with someone you have absolutely NO connection with whatsoever. Every time you meet it's strictly sex. How exactly is the sex with no feelings?

Boy do I feel out of touch.

Yeah, I mean . . . just . . . no comment. . I feel like men are often the ones that benefit from these "arrangements". I also frankly think that this is so dangerous, when you consider the risk of pregnancy and disease. For me, it's like you're risking having a child with someone you don't even like OR dying or getting an incurable disease that will wreak havoc on your body indefinitely or prevent you from having kids in the future with a person you actually want, for a nut? It just does not compute for me.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Could the "cut buddy" and FWB culture be the reason so many of us are unable to find suitable mates?

Know this -- most men will travel the road of least resistance.

Though many of us will never admit it, we are shaping the way men treat women as a whole in the future by what we freely giveaway now.

I have a feeling I'm about to hear a sob story from someone in a fwb type relationship really soon. Its going to take everything in my power not to cut her off mid sentence to say "keep your legs closed"

 

[FemmeFatale]

I love the intimacy and emotional safety that sex within marriage or in the very least, a serious relationship provides. There's no way I'd be vulnerable and passionate enough to be screaming some f* buddy's name, give him oral, etc.

 

[SuchaLady]

I've always thought this. You've explained my exact thought process. That and sex before exclusivity. Like why are you forking your dates, not your boyfriend but your date? Old people were on to something with that why buy the cow phrase but these young folk thinking they can rewrite the playbook

Could the "cut buddy" and FWB culture be the reason so many of us are unable to find suitable mates? Know this -- most men will travel the road of least resistance. Though many of us will never admit it, we are shaping the way men treat women as a whole in the future by what we freely giveaway now.

 

[Kurlee]

I've always thought this. You've explained my exact thought process. That and sex before exclusivity. Like why are you forking your dates, not your boyfriend but your date? Old people were on to something with that why buy the cow phrase but these young folk thinking they can rewrite the playbook

It makes it rough for all women when we give men all of that for literally nothing. Like they don't/can't even call you to chat?

 

[Kurlee]

Could the "cut buddy" and FWB culture be the reason so many of us are unable to find suitable mates?

Know this -- most men will travel the road of least resistance.

Though many of us will never admit it, we are shaping the way men treat women as a whole in the future by what we freely giveaway now.

All of this. How are we partially responsible for the noncommittal men and in some cases, OOW children? We can't complain if we're contributing to it and engaging in the same behaviors that work against us.

 

[CaraWalker]

This.

I've never had a cut buddy or friend with benefits. It doesn't compute for me---mind and body. I would be sonupset and would literally have to be plastered or I'd cry the whole way through followed by *dont touch me!* after it was over lol

i think stuff like this depends on each woman's guardedness in relationships. im super slow to open up, and when i love, i love deep, so that just isn't going to work in tandem with my sexuality. and for me there are a lot of other factors at play all circling around themes of compatibility and sexual attraction.

for example, i think i had a soulmate once. but it was a mental connection about 90% and a sexual connection about 2%. when we had sex we only had that kind of sexual bond/connection a handful of times. but i loved him as much as ive ever loved anyone else in my life... just in a different way.

as i mentioned in the other post, one day i meet some guy who changes the way i feel about sex and sexual attraction and sexual connection. i used to have a disconnected opinion on the idea of the difference between "sex" and "sex IN LOVE" and now i think i understand it more. for me i just wouldn't describe it in the way that women commonly talk about sex and love, ie the way it's being discussed in this thread. i just think of it in terms of the connection, and where it's flowing from.

this isnt to say i disagree with your post, but just wanting to throw out there the concept of these things being fluid... its not something i could ever describe as just "feelings" vs "no feelings" or "love" vs "no love."

 

[ChasingBliss]

It makes it rough for all women when we give men all of that for literally nothing. Like they don't/can't even call you to chat?

I dont know why your post made me think if this but...

I remember sitting by my friend's window watching some junior high boys walking and talking after school. this boy was telling his friends that he had a new girlfriend but she was making him wait for sex. So he was like, well y'all already know Ima keep f'ng my homegirl while I wait for this one and if the sex is good I'll keep her.
Thankfully his cut buddy kept him preocuppied until girlfriend was ready to f.

Never forgot that. *smh* This mentality starts EARLY.

 

[CaraWalker]

I dont know why your post made me think if this but...

I remember sitting by my friend's window watching some junior high boys walking and talking after school. this boy was telling his friends that he had a new girlfriend but she was making him wait for sex. So he was like, well y'all already know Ima keep f'ng my homegirl while I wait for this one and if the sex is good I'll keep her.
Thankfully his cut buddy kept him preocuppied until girlfriend was ready to f.

Never forgot that. *smh* This mentality starts EARLY.

i kind of dont understand this mentality, which is to say what does or doesnt happen in someone else's relationships has no bearing on what does or doesnt happen in my relationships.

people love to say you teach people how to treat you, but then it becomes some sort of communal responsibility of what everybody else is doing determining what happens to you... if you're a good woman and you demand to be treated with respect, you'll get treated with respect. water rises to its own level, etc. basically i dont believe "hook up" culture is so insidious that its ruining the lives and relationship prospects of people who dont live in it

 

[Kurlee]

I dont know why your post made me think if this but...

I remember sitting by my friend's window watching some junior high boys walking and talking after school. this boy was telling his friends that he had a new girlfriend but she was making him wait for sex. So he was like, well y'all already know Ima keep f'ng my homegirl while I wait for this one and if the sex is good I'll keep her.
Thankfully his cut buddy kept him preocuppied until girlfriend was ready to f.

Never forgot that. *smh* This mentality starts EARLY.

. Middle school? That's literally 11-14. For some boys, they don't even have enough down there to actually do anything. Super gross. Some girls aren't even properly developed in that age group. They are literally children. That made me nauseous. We encourage young boys to act a certain way, but we forget that they grow up and will eventually be the men we complain so much about.

Also, if women are doing all of this with men. When they are "done" with them, those men will go on to date others, so their interaction with YOU shapes how they approach other relationships. That CB relationship becomes part of their "experience". I find it interesting how we've come to a place of such gross detachment in our society, that we pretend to think our actions don't have a direct impact on other people in our six degrees of separation. Of course my interactions with people have an impact/influence.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

i kind of dont understand this mentality, which is to say what does or doesnt happen in someone else's relationships has no bearing on what does or doesnt happen in my relationships. people love to say you teach people how to treat you, but then it becomes some sort of communal responsibility of what everybody else is doing determining what happens to you... if you're a good woman and you demand to be treated with respect, you'll get treated with respect. water rises to its own level, etc. basically i dont believe "hook up" culture is so insidious that its ruining the lives and relationship prospects of people who dont live in it

I've seen to much to believe that. I've been on both sides, I've sent others on both sides. Actually almost every relationship between a virgin and non-virgin that didn't work out was because the non-virgin had a Cut Buddy on the side. And it happens like this: virgin find out and dumps guy, cut buddy catches feelings and virgin finds out, guy falls in love with cut buddy, gets cut buddy pregnant, or catches a STD from cut buddy. Actually long distance relationships that don't work out follow the same pattern.

 

[Kurlee]

So maybe a question we should be asking is: Is it possible or realistic to have sex outside of a marriage/relationship with people and for neither of them to ever "catch feelings"? Do people actually seriously consider the implications of their choices?

 

[CaraWalker]

I've seen to much to believe that. I've been on both sides, I've sent others on both sides. Actually almost every relationship between a virgin and non-virgin that didn't work out was because the non-virgin had a Cut Buddy on the side. And it happens like this: virgin find out and dumps guy, cut buddy catches feelings and virgin finds out, guy falls in love with cut buddy, gets cut buddy pregnant, or catches a STD from cut buddy. Actually long distance relationships that don't work out follow the same pattern.

so guys arent waiting for virgins to give it up... what age group are we talking here?

im just thinking that when it comes to being single i think most peoples problem is that they are holding out for something... excessive? everybody's looking to trade up, nobody wants to settle, and people don't know what they want in the first place. i think people are looking for someone that's going to make them happy, and don't know where or how to find it. i think it's rare to find someone that really makes you happy, whose company you truly enjoy... if people are more concerned with having sex, thats not my idea of what relationships/looking for "the one" etc. is about, so i view that more as a personal issue.

e: in the same vein, speaking directly to the phenonmena youre describing of "good girls" being cheated on by guys who won't wait is that He's Just Not That Into You in the first place... what would a good girl have to take personally about dating a guy who didn't think she was worth enough for him to wait for, and treat with respect? in this way, both the "good" girls AND the "bad" girls get blamed for an ain't-**** dude's behavior... sort of like "if he really wanted to be with you he wouldn't be out with other girls...." and the problem i have with this is that it's centered everything around the dude's behavior as if what he deems acceptable is what everyone else should be working around to adjust...

idk. i guess i'm thinking more that when people care about you they treat you a certain way, and when they don't care about you they treat you a different way. it's a bad move either way to have sex be the determining factor in both scenarios.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

so guys arent waiting for virgins to give it up... what age group are we talking here? im just thinking that when it comes to being single i think most peoples problem is that they are holding out for something... excessive? everybody's looking to trade up, nobody wants to settle, and people don't know what they want in the first place. i think people are looking for someone that's going to make them happy, and don't know where or how to find it. i think it's rare to find someone that really makes you happy, whose company you truly enjoy... if people are more concerned with having sex, thats not my idea of what relationships/looking for "the one" etc. is about, so i view that more as a personal issue.

Dudes aren't waiting for sex at all. They don't have to due to free range kitty. Which seems to make it hard out there for chicks who aren't interested in throwing panties at strangers.

 

[CaraWalker]

Dudes aren't waiting for sex at all. They don't have to due to free range kitty. Which seems to make it hard out there for chicks who aren't interested in throwing panties at strangers.

in this scenario what do you say to the virgin?

"if he really loved you he would have waited"

"if he couldnt find sex anywhere else, he'd have waited"

"you cant expect him not to sleep with other girls when so many are giving it up"

i mean, i get the argument that, sort of the same concept of "permissive parents make for badly behaved children," etc., but it just seems like if you're a "good" girl or a "bad" girl, either way you lose, and what nobody is saying is "why doesn't everyone just stop talking to these aint-**** dudes"....

 

[Mortons]

I've never had a cut buddy but I have had a friend with benefits. Neither of us felt it was a relationship alternative but it was a way to not feel thirsty for a relationship while looking for one.

As far as getting something out of it let me just say every woman ain't cut out to sell sex. If you feel like that a vibrator is best. Plenty of women have screwed up views on relationships and can't keep one together due to having "sold" it and can't get out of that mindset for their own good.

 

[Nayna]

I think a lot of women are single because they don't know how to date. You can have a cut buddy but if you are trying to make him your man then you've already lost. That's not what those situations are for. And if a man approaches you in that way when you know you want more and you entertain him then you're fooling yourself.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

I think a lot of women are single because they don't know how to date. You can have a cut buddy but if you are trying to make him your man then you've already lost. That's not what those situations are for. And if a man approaches you in that way when you know you want more and you entertain him then you're fooling yourself.

That's great advice but what do you do if that guy is fine with having a relationship with you because he already has a cut buddy. This is what my single friends are running into.

 

[barbiesocialite]

i kind of dont understand this mentality, which is to say what does or doesnt happen in someone else's relationships has no bearing on what does or doesnt happen in my relationships.

people love to say you teach people how to treat you, but then it becomes some sort of communal responsibility of what everybody else is doing determining what happens to you... if you're a good woman and you demand to be treated with respect, you'll get treated with respect. water rises to its own level, etc. basically i dont believe "hook up" culture is so insidious that its ruining the lives and relationship prospects of people who dont live in it

I think I agree with this post BUT part of having to teach people how to treat you has to do with their present knowledge and experience with treating others. Their current default determines what has to done for future relationships. Im sure the average person thinks they re strong willed but they are not. Breaking someone in or breaking someone is a skill that most don't have. And honestly, it shouldn't be a skill that women need to have when it comes to relationships since marriage and commitment should be a natural eas enough process in itself.

For example I'm a know sadist and masochist I will break you IRL. I will devote time to breaking you. But for me its a conscious decision. Others don't the same thing all the time but less deliberately but its still being done. Men are socially and emotionally lazy. That's their nature. Watch a little girl in class vs a little boy, its the girl who's hard pressed to be the teachers pet or for someone to give a damn. Boys just go with the flow. They take whatever is in front of them. Thats usually established the norm they will live most of their life. If they are popular theyll just be popular. If they are bullied, theyll just be bullied. They dont run to the teacher/parent to cry about it. Unless they are taught differently or how to defend themselves, they will just adapt to being bullied. So for men that are used to receiving free and easy vagina all will nilly makes it harder for those women that expect a man to earn their affection, love and vagina (hell, and a yes to proposal) since so many women have made it clear that there are plenty of easy women out here with no damn standards that dont need to be worked for. theyll just give anything to any ole body. This is not easy for most women to correct. This type of damage is time consuming and stressful and could have been avoided had the previous few chicks carried their vaginas with care.

I hate when my male relatives befriend or meet a new easy broad or one that has no damn sense yet these heauxs wanna hang around forever. Im not even dating my relatives or guy friends but when the next chick comes that they really like that has standards I have to help them correct all the damage from the last easy chick. since fact is most men marry their mothers or women they hold in high esteem, my boys are newly clueless how to win over the one girl they really like. Which means, a woman they have to work for. Sometimes its like they meet a girl that has standards? *gasp* they're like what do I do next? Smh. If that situation doesn't work out, they'll just take whatever is available and in front of them next.

 

[Nayna]

That's great advice but what do you do if that guy is fine with having a relationship with you because he already has a cut buddy. This is what my single friends are running into.

What do you mean? Like he's making it clear he's not dropping her? When I meet a guy I have to assume that there was someone on the scene before me. They should assume the same when they meet me. The nature of their relationship is not my concern unless he and I decide we want to get serious. I don't sleep with guys I'm dating. That's just too much peen cus I'm usually dating a few.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

What do you mean? Like he's making it clear he's not dropping her? When I meet a guy I have to assume that there was someone on the scene before me. They should assume the same when they meet me. The nature of their relationship is not my concern unless he and I decide we want to get serious. I don't sleep with guys I'm dating. That's just too much peen cus I'm usually dating a few.

Why would he tell you? He's dating you, you aren't sleeping with him so he's sleeping with her. When you do decide to get serious now he's sleeping with both of you. When I was young and dumb I never made the connection. Until I started seriously dating a guy and found out about his cut buddy because she was a friend of a friend. His was sleeping with both of us. It was all fun in games when I wasn't on the losing side.

 

[Southernbella.]

There will always be women willing to have sex because contrary to popular belief, a lot of women like sex just as much as men.

The sooner people realize this, the better off they'll be.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Honestly having a sexual liaison was one of the best decisions I've made and a great experience.

I was sexually conservative before that and needed a little bit of secrecy and deviance.

 

[barbiesocialite]

There will always be women willing to have sex because contrary to popular belief, a lot of women like sex just as much as men.

The sooner people realize this, the better off they'll be.

Of course but they weren't always in abundance as they are now. The OOW child rate tells the truth. Now these easy women are men's mamas and sisters. not just the random slore people whisper about wondering who her baby daddy is. So yes its a problem because some women are teaching, showing and living whole lives that say "hey! I'll give it up for nothin!" Men are being taught at home aboutbthe valuebof women by their mother's. I'm sure these women believe sex is just fun and that's what they teach their children through their actions and lifestyle.

 

[Nayna]

Why would he tell you? He's dating you, you aren't sleeping with him so he's sleeping with her. When you do decide to get serious now he's sleeping with both of you. When I was young and dumb I never made the connection. Until I started seriously dating a guy and found out about his cut buddy because she was a friend of a friend. His was sleeping with both of us. It was all fun in games when I wasn't on the losing side.

Ime from the guys I'm friends with and people I've seen, when the guy felt himself really getting serious about a certain woman he usually dropped all the others prior to it crossing over into official bf and gf. Even with my brother, he and his girl broke up and he had someone he was sleeping with. When they worked it out the girl was dropped immediately. Sometimes it's more than just a cutty buddy though. Sometimes though. I noticed people don't cut off their others if they aren't sure the situation will work out. They keep them around for backup lol.

 

[Kurlee]

There will always be women willing to have sex because contrary to popular belief, a lot of women like sex just as much as men.

The sooner people realize this, the better off they'll be.

I think we all realize this, BUT we can't divorce that from the fact that these actions have health, social, physical, emotional, psychological consequences. They are NOT benign, regardless of how much we want them to be. The entanglement and consequences that inevitable occur are problematic.

 

[Southernbella.]

Of course but they weren't always in abundance as they are now. The OOW child rate tells the truth. Now these easy women are men's mamas and sisters. not just the random slore people whisper about wondering who her baby daddy is. So yes its a problem because some women are teaching, showing and living lives that say "hey! I'll give it up for nothin!"

I don't disagree. I'm simply saying it is what it is and it's not changing so each individual needs to figure out how they will navigate this new sexual climate.