Crackers Crumbs: Tales Of A Successful Matchmaker. They's Married Now!

BEAUTYU2U said:
I'm thinking of other girls I've known with toxic families. Moving would be great first step but it really takes some emotional work to break ties. Blood is a strong thing, especially when talking about mothers.
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I know there are levels of toxicity but my oldest friend moved away from her family and never looked back. She did have a good head on her shoulders though.

In reading the OP though, I was thinking about my own 26 y/o cousin who loved to fight and will clear a room and come out on top. She dropped out of community school too. Has been in and out jail. Always high. She left home and moved several states away and is back in college, working full time and staying out of trouble. There are some differences with CP's niece's family (my cousin's mother would never tell her to have a baby to get a check).
 
PJaye said:
I can't help viewing this scenario through the eyes of the guy's mother. She most likely took one look at the girlfriend and fell into deep despair. If I were her, a number of things would've gone through my mind, namely that I had to have done something, not done something or missed something if my son thinks that a 25 year old cashier is a viable mate. No one that age should be just a cashier; doing it while hustling towards a greater goal is the standard. The fact that she's just a cashier would speak volumes to me and is a huge red flag. I would've also spent countless hours agonizing over the future grandchildren, e.g., how could she possibly raise them properly given her upbringing and world view, as well as those around her; the negative impact her family would have upon them; what dysfunctional and/or raggedy habits are they going to pick up and become socialized to consider as normal; do I even want to see this tragedy unfold before my eyes; etc. To be sure, that guy's parents have been scrambling and drinking heavily since they met her.

OP, I know your heart is in the right place and I commend you for your efforts, but hooking her up with that guy is, IMO, tantamount to bringing him and his progeny down in order to lift her up. Is that fair, particularly given all that he and his parents have invested in him? They're doing all of the right things, so why should they suffer? Why should his kids suffer? She's clearly unfit. Her village is unfit. Nothing good would've come from a union between them. It would be better for her to find a nice, honorable and resourceful garbageman, postal carrier, plumber, social service worker, etc. that will allow her to live decently and, if she matures and figures some things out, afford her with a position to reach back to help her family and friends out of their generational ruts. IOW, she would do best with someone who is no more than two steps above her current socioeconomic status; anything more would be a grossly, possibly disastrously, uneven yoking.
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Women have been marrying up since time immemorial. In a traditional sense a pretty woman from a poor background and a man with a good income are not unequally yoked. She should do the best that she can.

I can see why his mother would object of course. That's her job in this situation, but sons have also picked pretty girls over mothers' warnings since time immemorial.
 
Kanky said:
Women have been marrying up since time immemorial. In a traditional sense a pretty woman from a poor background and a man with a good income are not unequally yoked. She should do the best that she can.

I can see why his mother would object of course. That's her job in this situation, but sons have also picked pretty girls over mothers' warnings since time immemorial.
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For emphasis
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
Gotcha, I was thinking you could hone in on the aspects she really liked about him to find in another man. Or as a type of motivation. Like, never having to reach for her purse ...thus, she's no longer willing to date below this standard anymore. IDK if I'm explaining this right.
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I understand what you're saying. The pickings at this dudes level are slim where she's at so I was surprised she didn't at least try to get her mother in check.
 
Kanky said:
Women have been marrying up since time immemorial. In a traditional sense a pretty woman from a poor background and a man with a good income are not unequally yoked. She should do the best that she can.

I can see why his mother would object of course. That's her job in this situation, but sons have also picked pretty girls over mothers' warnings since time immemorial.
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The problem isn't really with the girl or her poverty, it's the family and their values. Since time immemorial, cultures judged the value of a match on the family background, since having a poor lineage could be disastrous. They would allow a marriage to a poor girl with a pretty face if she had a good family name. In the past, people of means would threaten to cut sons from their inheritances due to a poor match. Even to date, most cultures make it a point to vet the family prior to allowing their sons to marry.

It's one thing if you have a family that are poor but striving to do better. Most families would run from such a family lineage.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
The only hint of it that I have seen was acting on Actuary dude but that was an easy sell because they both liked each other physically. Lil dude (I call him lil cuz he's tall and skinty) ain't Idris but he cleans up nice and always smelled good.
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Does he need a shoulder to cry on? A sympathetic ear? In wake of this latest heartbreak, he might need a friend. :sad:
 
Femmefatal1981 said:
:look: It's every woman out for herself in these streets. If I or my daughters can out play, out wit and outlast the mother ( and I did) then that's life.
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:yep: SO's extended family (not his mom, she was great) thought I was gon try to have a baby on him. Nope. They still waiting. :lol:

@Crackers Phinn All I can suggest is straight pimp game since that's all she seems susceptible to. Tell her that this come up had conditions. Ask her point blank if she wants to be her mother.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
The problem isn't really with the girl or her poverty, it's the family and their values. Since time immemorial, cultures judged the value of a match on the family background, since having a poor lineage could be disastrous. They would allow a marriage to a poor girl with a pretty face if she had a good family name. In the past, people of means would threaten to cut sons from their inheritances due to a poor match. Even to date, most cultures make it a point to vet the family prior to allowing their sons to marry.

It's one thing if you have a family that are poor but striving to do better. Most families would run from such a family lineage.
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This. IMO, the issue is not simply her socioeconomic status, but the negative values, world view and village that accompanies it. Couple that with her not knowing how to push herself beyond it is what's at the heart of the issue. It's one thing if the dude's mother objected to the relationship because she wanted to be stank or a snob, and quite another if she balked in the face of serious red flags and legitimate concerns. @Kanky, I see and agree with your point to an extent - pretty women have successfully married up for eons (which is great and what's supposed to happen, IMO). But, doing so requires that they have the wherewithal to not only rise, but also handle their elevated status and all that it entails. A person can't just rise and chill out; they also have to do some things to maintain the position and ensure that their children will rise even higher. Is she a lost cause? Absolutely not. Unfortunately, however, she's not going to turn things around until she has a serious light bulb moment and begin connecting some dots.
 
What your niece really needs is a better living situation. She's 25. Time to put your big girl panties on and move out of Mom's place.

If she's not in a position to do that, then she's not in a position to date for marriage.

A woman should be independent before entering a long term relationship. That way she won't need the guy and can afford to get up and leave (without running home to mommy) if things dont work out.
 
PJaye said:
This. IMO, the issue is not simply her socioeconomic status, but the negative values, world view and village that accompanies it. Couple that with her not knowing how to push herself beyond it is what's at the heart of the issue. It's one thing if the dude's mother objected to the relationship because she wanted to be stank or a snob, and quite another if she balked in the face of serious red flags and legitimate concerns. @Kanky, I see and agree with your point to an extent - pretty women have successfully married up for eons (which is great and what's supposed to happen, IMO). But, doing so requires that they have the wherewithal to not only rise, but also handle their elevated status and all that it entails. A person can't just rise and chill out; they also have to do some things to maintain the position and ensure that their children will rise even higher. Is she a lost cause? Absolutely not. Unfortunately, however, she's not going to turn things around until she has a serious light bulb moment and begin connecting some dots.
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I agree with all of this. Her mindset is jacked because she doesn't even see this is as a come up enough to want to try to fight for it. Her mother sees it though, hence her running his pockets. But only temporary because her experience with all them kids is telling her, man will leave soon, get coins now. there are plenty folks who have moved cross country away from toxic trifling family and end up in the same toxic trifling situations because they didn't address the changes that needed to be made in mindset. Believe me I know LOL
 
Simple, she ain't ever gonna overcome until she gets out of that environment.
Sorry but broke down ratchet folks want everyone they are surrounded by to be broke down and ratchet. The minute she does good for herself they will be attacking her and ruining any opportunity with the quickness.

She either leaves 100% or her fate is sealed.
 
PJaye said:
I can't help viewing this scenario through the eyes of the guy's mother. She most likely took one look at the girlfriend and fell into deep despair. If I were her, a number of things would've gone through my mind, namely that I had to have done something, not done something or missed something if my son thinks that a 25 year old cashier is a viable mate. No one that age should be just a cashier; doing it while hustling towards a greater goal is the standard. The fact that she's just a cashier would speak volumes to me and is a huge red flag. I would've also spent countless hours agonizing over the future grandchildren, e.g., how could she possibly raise them properly given her upbringing and world view, as well as those around her; the negative impact her family would have upon them; what dysfunctional and/or raggedy habits are they going to pick up and become socialized to consider as normal; do I even want to see this tragedy unfold before my eyes; etc. To be sure, that guy's parents have been scrambling and drinking heavily since they met her.
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All of the family get togethers have been at my place so I've met his mother and indirectly addressed her concerns. I get exactly what the problem is and I would steer my own son away from the situation. His daddy on the other hand looks at my niece like he understands why lil dude was willing to risk it all. Which is exactly why I usually preach on this forum that when it comes to selecting a wife men will put more weight on their fathers input or the input of other men than on what any woman says.

PJaye said:
OP, I know your heart is in the right place and I commend you for your efforts, but hooking her up with that guy is, IMO, tantamount to bringing him and his progeny down in order to lift her up. Is that fair, particularly given all that he and his parents have invested in him? They're doing all of the right things, so why should they suffer? Why should his kids suffer? She's clearly unfit. Her village is unfit. Nothing good would've come from a union between them. It would be better for her to find a nice, honorable and resourceful garbageman, postal carrier, plumber, social service worker, etc. that will allow her to live decently and, if she matures and figures some things out, afford her with a position to reach back to help her family and friends out of their generational ruts. IOW, she would do best with someone who is no more than two steps above her current socioeconomic status; anything more would be a grossly, possibly disastrously, uneven yoking.
Click to expand...
I hear you and as a woman who married well above my pay grade who comes from an adjacent background to my niece I'm still going to help her move as far up the scale as she can. Hell, it's because I married up that she has a job and a shot at a dude so far above her.

I didn't want to be but it looks like I have to be the matriarch of this family. If I got to do it then I'm breaking the wheel of how it's been done before. My goal is to bring men into my family who can help relieve my burden as the go to save everybody contact. Garbage men, postal carriers, and plumbers aren't going to cut it. I need men who are bringing resources and bass in their voice to get the rest of these nggas in line.
 
I will say my family isn't ratchet but they are toxic. Having friends that were like wfamily and had solid families helped me to see how normal families behave and not accept my families dysfunction as normal. And going to school away from them and learning to be independent was the best thing for me. You have to want to do better because the family will not make it easy and you have to be okay with keeping them at arms length and writing off their bad advice otherwise you will never do better
 
Crackers Phinn said:
All of the family get togethers have been at my place so I've met his mother and indirectly addressed her concerns. I get exactly what the problem is and I would steer my own son away from the situation. His daddy on the other hand looks at my niece like he understands why lil dude was willing to risk it all. Which is exactly why I usually preach on this forum that when it comes to selecting a wife men will put more weight on their fathers input or the input of other men than on what any woman says.


I hear you and as a woman who married well above my pay grade who comes from an adjacent background to my niece I'm still going to help her move as far up the scale as she can. Hell, it's because I married up that she has a job and a shot at a dude so far above her.

I didn't want to be but it looks like I have to be the matriarch of this family. If I got to do it then I'm breaking the wheel of how it's been done before. My goal is to bring men into my family who can help relieve my burden as the go to save everybody contact. Garbage men, postal carriers, and plumbers aren't going to cut it. I need men who are bringing resources and bass in their voice to get the rest of these nggas in line.
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We will be waiting on you and Daenerys to break the wheel, and rooting for both of you.

lil girl has to want it. She needs to be willing to renounce her former life and embrace what needs to be done to maintain the new level to which she aspires, or she is going to have a hard road regardless. I'd watch out for dude's mama. I'd be tempted to go straight granny Tyrell on an unsuitable match (short of murder, of course)
 
SmileyNY said:
What your niece really needs is a better living situation. She's 25. Time to put your big girl panties on and move out of Mom's place.

If she's not in a position to do that, then she's not in a position to date for marriage.

A woman should be independent before entering a long term relationship. That way she won't need the guy and can afford to get up and leave (without running home to mommy) if things dont work out.
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You are preaching to the choir. I couldn't wait to get out of my parents house at 18 and I had my own bedroom. I've met a good amount of women who have gone from their fathers house to their husbands house without a hitch so I'm lax about independence being a prerequisite for marriage.
 
UmSumayyah said:
We will be waiting on you and Daenerys to break the wheel, and rooting for both of you.

lil girl has to want it. She needs to be willing to renounce her former life and embrace what needs to be done to maintain the new level to which she aspires, or she is going to have a hard road regardless. I'd watch out for dude's mama. I'd be tempted to go straight granny Tyrell on an unsuitable match (short of murder, of course)
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@ the bolded, I posed the problem to the wise mage that I'm married to and his response was "you can lead a camel to water but it will still spit on you because it's a camel not a horse. "
 
Crackers Phinn said:
You are preaching to the choir. I couldn't wait to get out of my parents house at 18 and I had my own bedroom. I've met a good amount of women who have gone from their fathers house to their husbands house without a hitch so I'm lax about independence being a prerequisite for marriage.
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I have few women in my family who are the opposite. Went from parents to husbands house. 1 is divorced and living with my grandparents (and she's in her damn 50s), another is stuck in a loveless marriage that she can't afford to leave, and another pretends to be happily married... but she doesn't know that the family knows about ol dude's infidelity.

So sometimes it may look like "no hitches" from the outside. But a lot of women are just stuck.

Also... most GOOD men aren't going to put up with a needy woman who not only can't even live on her own... but lives with an overbearing, controlling, tacky mother. The types of men that enjoy "saving" women from those situations are either controlling or want someone who will be stuck. Just sayin...
 
PJaye said:
I can't help viewing this scenario through the eyes of the guy's mother. She most likely took one look at the girlfriend and fell into deep despair. If I were her, a number of things would've gone through my mind, namely that I had to have done something, not done something or missed something if my son thinks that a 25 year old cashier is a viable mate. No one that age should be just a cashier; doing it while hustling towards a greater goal is the standard. The fact that she's just a cashier would speak volumes to me and is a huge red flag. I would've also spent countless hours agonizing over the future grandchildren, e.g., how could she possibly raise them properly given her upbringing and world view, as well as those around her; the negative impact her family would have upon them; what dysfunctional and/or raggedy habits are they going to pick up and become socialized to consider as normal; do I even want to see this tragedy unfold before my eyes; etc. To be sure, that guy's parents have been scrambling and drinking heavily since they met her.

OP, I know your heart is in the right place and I commend you for your efforts, but hooking her up with that guy is, IMO, tantamount to bringing him and his progeny down in order to lift her up. Is that fair, particularly given all that he and his parents have invested in him? They're doing all of the right things, so why should they suffer? Why should his kids suffer? She's clearly unfit. Her village is unfit. Nothing good would've come from a union between them. It would be better for her to find a nice, honorable and resourceful garbageman, postal carrier, plumber, social service worker, etc. that will allow her to live decently and, if she matures and figures some things out, afford her with a position to reach back to help her family and friends out of their generational ruts. IOW, she would do best with someone who is no more than two steps above her current socioeconomic status; anything more would be a grossly, possibly disastrously, uneven yoking.
Click to expand...
Men will always pick a pretty woman, even if she has low to no professional skills people love to tout so much. Even as a mother of sons, I totally get this because I've been accused of the same. This is why we see men wife 'regular' but pretty women if they like them with no thought about it and we see women with 74278 degrees and pedigrees single and pretty. In theory this sounds true but in practice we just know its not. Men are more simple when they get married and choose a wife. Also men like to SAVE chicks because it makes them feel powerful and manly so pretty girls from the regular world are still a hot commodity.
 
Kanky said:
Women have been marrying up since time immemorial. In a traditional sense a pretty woman from a poor background and a man with a good income are not unequally yoked. She should do the best that she can.

I can see why his mother would object of course. That's her job in this situation, but sons have also picked pretty girls over mothers' warnings since time immemorial.
Click to expand...
And this.
 
Her living arrangement reminds me of a convo I had with a friend. She was telling me about her niece who informed her that she, her boyfriend, and multiple children would be moving in once my friend closed on her house.

Excuse me what? Some families just feed off each other. If you only have a $1 but your brother has $1.15 ... attach to him. Like DANG!
 
dude's mother had the right tactic. She was smart enough to suspect it wouldn't last.
She just ensured she lobbied for a longer engagement and let things play out naturally. I have young boys, I wouldn't waste my energy trying to end any inappropriate unions, nor alienate prospective DIL, just gently let him know he ought to court her for sometime before marriage. If the relationship survives a reasonable duration of courtship I would give my full support despite ratchet family
I really hope this young lady wakes up before its too late.
 
They back together ya'll!


I been channeling my inner Iyanla to work on this silly girl nonstop. The breaking point was that all those crabs in the barrel she lives in started telling her that she thought she was better than them and said without saying they were glad her way (Lil Dude) out was gone. I took that **** and ran with it. Her and lil dude had been texting on and off so she sent him a Let's Talk message. They talked, she let him know that she would keep her mama in check but sometimes might need his help to do it. And he was like "Ok :love:"

They were over last night for Rosh Hashanah dinner and were all boo'd up so I'm hoping this sticks.

I've talked to her about moving out of her mothers house and she's considering it.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
They back together ya'll!


I been channeling my inner Iyanla to work on this silly girl nonstop. The breaking point was that all those crabs in the barrel she lives in started telling her that she thought she was better than them and said without saying they were glad her way (Lil Dude) out was gone. I took that **** and ran with it. Her and lil dude had been texting on and off so she sent him a Let's Talk message. They talked, she let him know that she would keep her mama in check but sometimes might need his help to do it. And he was like "Ok :love:"

They were over last night for Rosh Hashanah dinner and were all boo'd up so I'm hoping this sticks.

I've talked to her about moving out of her mothers house and she's considering it.
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Praise the LORDT who sits high and looks down low! I’ve had Mummy and my auntie put them in the prayer book and look at God!
 
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