Cheating Husbands / Boyfriends

[sylver2]

I agree with Phoenix - every situation is different. I think the relationship has to be examined and what was going on during the "cheating". I don't believe you can just say "leave him" without knowing the issues surrounding it. Good people make mistakes. As for myself...I've been cheated on and stayed...I've also stayed in relationships where I wasn't cheated on but should have left sooner than I did for other reasons.

I am a little confused with this comment that several ladies here have agreed with. Why would it be forgivable for your husband to cheat, a person who has made a vow in front of family and friends in the true spirit of what marriage is "supposed" to be but not for your boyfriend who, I believe, has less to be accountable for. What I am saying is.....the level of commitment in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is lower than that of husband/wife so why would the bar be lower for your husband than for your boyfriend? Just wondering...

Of course no one is planning on cheating to happen and I hope it never does, but if so, depending on the circumstances, I myself, would forgive my husband and try to move on from it. Thats my decision and my business. I don't have to explain why. Its too much stuff involved for that. Of course I am very confidant in my hubby's love and know he is not cheating. He don't have time..lol
As far as a boyfriend, we don't share accounts, last names, houses,property etc etc etc or lives together so its easier to let this boyfriend go.

 

[Brownie]

If a person feels that way, he/she shouldn't take the wedding vows and get married. The solution seems simple to me; if you can't commit to one person, don't get married. A marriage is supposed to last, until death, and IMHO that is easier to do without bringing other lovers into the mix. Look what happened with Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, President Clinton, and need I mention Magic Johnson.



Times have not changed. There has always been tempation, and there has always been a way to resist it. Men are not children. They are responsible for their actions, and all they have to do is say "No thank you, I'm married. I'm not going to have a hamburger in the streets when I can have a steak at home. I've been with my spouse through thick and thin and he/she's stood by my side through the years; you just want me for one reason. Why would I throw away all I have for someone who doesn't really know me, someone who's just passing through my life?"



Just a little one time thing? What if he gave you AIDS from his "one time thing?" That insignificant "one time thing" would look like a really big thing then, wouldn't it? Monogamy and cheating don't go together. If one wants to continue sleeping with others, don't get married because a marriage is built on love, trust, and commitment. Marriage binds two people together into one person, and if you loved someone as much as you loved yourself, you would prefer your mate more than anyone else, and you would never want to hurt that person and temptations would not sway you one bit because your eyes would be focused on the future you are building and maintaining with that one person you pledged to love, respect and share yourself with for life. BTW, I am married and have been for a while.

I forgot to add that if someone has an outside affair, there is always the possibility of getting someone pregnant, even when condoms are used; they do break and slip off. If a woman gets pregnant, is her husband supposed to just take in another man's child as his own? What problems will that cause for the child? If the husband gets an outside partner pregnant, he's not only going to have to spend money out of his marriage household account to pay child support (200+ dollars each month), but he's going to be permanently bonded to this other woman. An affair is never a one time thing. Even if the cheating person does not get a disease or someone pregnant, there are always feelings of guilt, mistrust, and anger. I know someone who decided to stick around after the affair, and the man did change his cheating ways, but the woman still talks about the affairs to this day, decades later. Sure their relationship got stronger, but the cheating also weakened their relationship in a way also because it sucked a lot of trust out of the marriage, and that can not be easily repaired no matter how much you love someone. I consider a really great marriage as one where the couple can look back in old age and say that they took vows and loved each other and only each other for life. That is what it's all about.

 

[junipertree]

Of course no one is planning on cheating to happen and I hope it never does, but if so, depending on the circumstances, I myself, would forgive my husband and try to move on from it. Thats my decision and my business. I don't have to explain why. Its too much stuff involved for that. Of course I am very confidant in my hubby's love and know he is not cheating. He don't have time..lol
As far as a boyfriend, we don't share accounts, last names, houses,property etc etc etc or lives together so its easier to let this boyfriend go.

Of course it's your decision and you don't have to explain why...I was not suggesting otherwise. I was only asking for an explanation for the purpose of this discussion.
I would imagine it would be any person's business to stay in a relationship whether married to the person or not. Regardless of the "label" that is given to our relationships and the standards set by society, we have to live with our own decisions and set our own standards. Which was my point - we all have our own expectations and many times we say we will or won't stay and the truth is -- you just don't know what you will do until you are faced with the situation. I too have been in situations where I said "I would walk right out the door if he cheated" or "He can't cheat. He doesn't have time". I proved myself wrong both times. That is NOT to suggest that you are wrong (I hope you don't get offended). I am just talking about my own experiences.

I do get what you are saying about the shared property, accounts, etc. It does get involved when those things have to be considered. However, nowadays many people in long-term boyfriend/girlfriend relationships have the same issues.

 

[DragonPearl]

But seriously, boyfriends and fiances definitely would get the ax. If my DH cheated we'd try counseling first.

That's what I say.

 

[esoterica]

Can someone please explain to me the logic behind this:
If a guy is only your boyfriend and he has NOT taken marriage vows, some ladies say they will leave if he cheats. On the other hand, if youre married to him and HAS taken the vow to forsake all others and stay with you through thick and thin, then you will try to work it out. Im not trying to be facetious. In my mind, a husband should be expected to stay faithful! Even more than a boyfriend. The boyfriend hasnt vowed anything.

 

[jaded_faerie]

Can someone please explain to me the logic behind this:
If a guy is only your boyfriend and he has NOT taken marriage vows, some ladies say they will leave if he cheats. On the other hand, if youre married to him and HAS taken the vow to forsake all others and stay with you through thick and thin, then you will try to work it out. Im not trying to be facetious. In my mind, a husband should be expected to stay faithful! Even more than a boyfriend. The boyfriend hasnt vowed anything.

I agree with joonbug and you...

 

[DragonPearl]

Can someone please explain to me the logic behind this:
If a guy is only your boyfriend and he has NOT taken marriage vows, some ladies say they will leave if he cheats. On the other hand, if youre married to him and HAS taken the vow to forsake all others and stay with you through thick and thin, then you will try to work it out. Im not trying to be facetious. In my mind, a husband should be expected to stay faithful! Even more than a boyfriend. The boyfriend hasnt vowed anything.

When people are married, there is a commitment, and there is investment, emotional, financial, and societal investment, and often, there are children involved. Because of the considerable investment people put in marriage, most people do not walk out of a marriage with the ease one can walk out of a non-marriage situation.

People usually get married with the idea that they will do everything possible to stay together, to make the marriage work. That's part of the commitment; and if one person by cheating falters on the commitment, it does not mean that the 2 people cannot work together to repair the commitment. Whereas, with the boyfriend, there was no commitment to begin with.

 

[Brownie]

...

 

[Ayeshia]

depends on the severity of the situation...boyfriend...no...if I cant trust him now, aint no way I can see him as husband material, he blew it. Im the type of person for the most part that can easily cut someone out of my life if they betrayed me. Most say that I have the mentality of a man...whatever that is supposed to mean.

 

[beyondcute]

I guess its because youre supposed to be with your husband "thru good times and bad." I think its a situational thing. If we were broken up at the time and he cheated I couldnt say too much. If we were together and I was away (ex. deployed in Iraq) I wouldnt be too hurt... 2 years without me would be torture It also depends on the type of relationship and how many times he's cheated. If he was with the lady for more than a year or even more than a month I would nix the relationship. If he did it one night and came home crying and telling me the truth I would take a while to get over it and would be mad but I think I would accept that (once!). I cant stand a liar. Im okay with the truth. Id be really hurt if he hid it from me. Thats even sneakier! If we were married the same thing goes into effect.

I know a guy who cheated on his wife of 2 years because they could not have sex for a year and a half of thier marraige and she refused to do anythign for him (no oral, no hand job, no nothing!) She was pregnant and could not have sex (something with her cervix). So I empathized with him. He only cheated once and he swore never to do it again because it made him feel like sh!t. I could tell because he was tearing up when he was explainign it to me. (I had to know why he cheated on his beautiful wife.)

So in conclusion I think it depends on the situation.

 

[Brownie]

...

 

[moneychaser]

Boyfriend-NO
Husband-Maybe, depends on the situation

Why?? I simply don't believe in divorce, but refuse to be disrespected

 

[rozlips]

I agree with this.

When people are married, there is a commitment, and there is investment, emotional, financial, and societal investment, and often, there are children involved. Because of the considerable investment people put in marriage, most people do not walk out of a marriage with the ease one can walk out of a non-marriage situation.

People usually get married with the idea that they will do everything possible to stay together, to make the marriage work. That's part of the commitment; and if one person by cheating falters on the commitment, it does not mean that the 2 people cannot work together to repair the commitment. Whereas, with the boyfriend, there was no commitment to begin with.

 

[TigerLily]

Would you stay with your husband/boyfriend if he cheated on you?
Have you already done this? If so, what made you stay?
I would like to imagine that i would leave regardless of his reasons.

NO!

That's something that I will never put up with.

 

[Naijaqueen]

I guess its because youre supposed to be with your husband "thru good times and bad." I think its a situational thing. If we were broken up at the time and he cheated I couldnt say too much. If we were together and I was away (ex. deployed in Iraq) I wouldnt be too hurt... 2 years without me would be torture It also depends on the type of relationship and how many times he's cheated. If he was with the lady for more than a year or even more than a month I would nix the relationship. If he did it one night and came home crying and telling me the truth I would take a while to get over it and would be mad but I think I would accept that (once!). I cant stand a liar. Im okay with the truth. Id be really hurt if he hid it from me. Thats even sneakier! If we were married the same thing goes into effect.

I know a guy who cheated on his wife of 2 years because they could not have sex for a year and a half of thier marraige and she refused to do anythign for him (no oral, no hand job, no nothing!) She was pregnant and could not have sex (something with her cervix). So I empathized with him. He only cheated once and he swore never to do it again because it made him feel like sh!t. I could tell because he was tearing up when he was explainign it to me. (I had to know why he cheated on his beautiful wife.)

So in conclusion I think it depends on the situation.

In a situation like this, she's also at fault unfortunately, when 2 get married ur body isnt just yours but your partners as well. Even if she couldnt be penetrated for whatever medical condition, she should still have figured out a way of pleasing him, and if it had been him, the same would apply.
Not saying its right to cheat but some men/women get caught up in our individual lives that they 4get of their obligation to their spouse, and then wonder what went wrong.

 

[esoterica]

In a situation like this, she's also at fault unfortunately, when 2 get married ur body isnt just yours but your partners as well. Even if she couldnt be penetrated for whatever medical condition, she should still have figured out a way of pleasing him, and if it had been him, the same would apply.
Not saying its right to cheat but some men/women get caught up in our individual lives that they 4get of their obligation to their spouse, and then wonder what went wrong.

Exactly. She behaved very selfishly. No man should have to put up with that.

 

[firecracker]

i agree with everythin you said especially the AIDS part. very well said.

ITA! Temptation is no excuse. We all can be tempted but as adults you have to choose what is more important outside sex or the marriage vows.

 

[junipertree]

Can someone please explain to me the logic behind this:
If a guy is only your boyfriend and he has NOT taken marriage vows, some ladies say they will leave if he cheats. On the other hand, if youre married to him and HAS taken the vow to forsake all others and stay with you through thick and thin, then you will try to work it out. Im not trying to be facetious. In my mind, a husband should be expected to stay faithful! Even more than a boyfriend. The boyfriend hasnt vowed anything.

That's the point I was trying to make! I think we see it the same way.

 

[joyous]

I'm not married (I'm 23) but if the marriage is supposed to last till death, how can someone realistically expect a man (or woman) to be completely faithful after 20-30 years of just sleeping with one person? Times have changed and now women are throwing sex in men's faces so the temptation is ridiculous for them. I'm not condoning it. I've never cuaght a bf cheating, but if I've been married for 20 years, I have to assume that he got tempted or ran out once or twice.And, if I disvoered it, I don't think I'd throw my marriage away over a one time thing.

Exactly! In a lot of cultures men have more than one wife. Obvoiusly monogamy doesn't work in our culture with the current divorce rate. Women spend to much time worrying about what men are doing and the fact is most men are going to cheat if they are married for a significant amount of time.

On another note I left my husband when he cheated, but I didn't want him anymore for other reasons that were much stronger than infidelity. There are a lot of factors to be weighed when dissolving a marriage.

 

[esoterica]

*****bump*****

 

[Cichelle]

If cheating means having sex with someone else, no, I wouldn't leave my husband. Why would I? Dump a whole marriage because of that? Hell no.

 

[brittanynic16]

Exactly. She behaved very selfishly. No man should have to put up with that.

She didn't have sex either. If she could hold out why couldn't he. Maybe she felt unattractive and had no sex drive. Maybe she never gave hand, blow or whatever in the first place. So he risked his marriage for an hour, if that? I just don't understand why it is ok for some men to risk throwing away a marriage but women don’t want to risk throwing away such a "good thing."

 

[simplertimes]

Would you stay with your husband/boyfriend if he cheated on you?


No way! I have stayed before and I can honestly say that infidelity in a relationship ruins things.... and ultimately ruins the betrayed person's self esteem.... It just isn't right!

 

[simplertimes]

She didn't have sex either. If she could hold out why couldn't he. Maybe she felt unattractive and had no sex drive. Maybe she never gave hand, blow or whatever in the first place. So he risked his marriage for an hour, if that? I just don't understand why it is ok for some men to risk throwing away a marriage but women don’t want to risk throwing away such a "good thing."

I agree....I notice women make excuses for men often, especially when it comes to sex.

If women would refuse to give in to the male excuses, you can trust that men would not be cheating as often!

Which brings up the question "if one human person has the ability to be faithful, then ALL can?" ....JMO

 

[jasmin]

No.... It would be better if he would want to leave because I would make him miserable. I've taken back people in the past and it's never been worth it. Also these days it's just too dangerous to stay with cheating partners.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Would you stay with your husband/boyfriend if he cheated on you?


No way! I have stayed before and I can honestly say that infidelity in a relationship ruins things.... and ultimately ruins the betrayed person's self esteem.... It just isn't right!

Totally OT: But um, has anyone ever told you that you resemble Nia Long (avatar)??? Very pretty!

 

[simplertimes]

Totally OT: But um, has anyone ever told you that you resemble Nia Long (avatar)??? Very pretty!

Aww thanks Divine ........

 

[Sosoothing]

Never say never. Today I am almost sure that if I found out dh was cheating I would simply leave and not ask for an explanation. The only things we share right now are our love and debts.
Maybe 10 years from now when we have kids,property,all the time together, I will feel differently depending on how exactly it all happened. Yes we made vows but no one is perfect.

 

[miracle]

No, I would never stay with a cheating husband. If I can be faithful and commited to him, I'd expect the same from him.

 

[shellzfoshizzle]

If my boyfriend or fiance cheated on me, HECK NO, I would not stay
If my husband of many years cheated, then I would think about it.

My dad cheated on my mom a few years back and she stayed with him. I think she would have left his butt if she had the resources.