Can This Marriage Work? Long Post!

[Mortons]

There has to be holes. And hubbies actions are extremely wrong, but as someone who pays extra attention to finances, I can understand frustration. If I ask my significant other, who is bad with money, not to move, they move find themself without a home, move into a high cost hotel, that I would be expected to foot the bill for, I would do it, but I damn sure would have an attitude about it. Flame me but its what I think.

A lot of this seems like extreme immaturity and selfishness on both parts.

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[moda]

There has to be holes. And hubbies actions are extremely wrong, but as someone who pays extra attention to finances, I can understand frustration. If I ask my significant other, who is bad with money, not to move, they move find themself without a home, move into a high cost hotel, that I would be expected to foot the bill for, I would do it, but I damn sure would have an attitude about it. Flame me but its what I think.

A lot of this seems like extreme immaturity and selfishness on both parts.

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No need to flame you because of the bolded that is the difference.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

As sad as it may be, I have found this story quite typical amongst the Army community. All of my Army wife friends have gone through this to some degree and have each divorced (of which I didn't support when they sought my advise). A couple of them regret their decisions to divorce.

I feel like the Army doesn't strongly promote marriage like the other branches and many of the wives feel detached. Whereas in the AF you will find many of wives who are VERY involved with their husbands career and the branch. There is an emphasis on maintaining a strong home front for the sake of morale at home which carries over into the workplace. As an AF wive I have been encouraged to get more involved with the AF community, the benefits, my husbands unit, their spouses, etc. But I haven't witness this within the Army community. The Navy? Yes. The Marines? Yes. But not the Army.

OP you should be with your husband and you should have been with him during basic....my husband is retraining at tech school and I see plenty of basic training spouses in the area from all branches.

If you're in a shelter you need to contact the Family Readiness Center and go through his chain of command to demand the support you are entitled to.

And if anything you need to have your own password (he can set up) to the mypay site where you can see his pay, entitlements, etc.

You should have a recall roster and his first shirts contact information.

You need to have the name and phone number of a spouse of another solider in his unit.

If you need help with anything or just need to talk, feel free to PM me and I can give you my phone number.

Regardless of the difference in branches we are a military spouse community who supports each other. I am very aware of the Army community as well and have contacts I can reach back and get answers for you.

Hugs.

But I think this can work.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Oh and it don't take that long for finance to update getting BAH. If they are it is because finance and mpf aren't doing what they are supposed to do. i.e enter the information in the system. There is a cutoff for them to do it. To get in on the next paycheck they have to have the paperwork and computer system updated I think 5 days out. If they do it less than 5 days before you are to get paid then you have to wait till the next pay period.

I have NEVER (knock on wood) had a pay problem that lasted more than one or two paychecks. The people that do have problems aren't keeping up with their pay and making sure things get done.

True but everyone knows that if you want your pay to be screwed up, just get married.

My husband was a SrA when we got married...he was only bringing in $350ish a month and still in the dorms.

After we got married, for six months his 1st and 15th checks were $25. No lie. I could have divorced him, but I knew it wasn't his fault. Thankfully, I had a job in place when I moved to his side of town, so we lived off my income. But I will tell you that it took about 2 years before I could even consider my husband a PROVIDER in terms of who brings home the bacon.

 

[faithVA]

True but everyone knows that if you want your pay to be screwed up, just get married.

My husband was a SrA when we got married...he was only bringing in $350ish a month and still in the dorms.

After we got married, for six months his 1st and 15th checks were $25. No lie. I could have divorced him, but I knew it wasn't his fault. Thankfully, I had a job in place when I moved to his side of town, so we lived off my income. But I will tell you that it took about 2 years before I could even consider my husband a PROVIDER in terms of who brings home the bacon.

Ok this makes the story make a little more sense to me now. I don't know much about the military. Your post was very informative.

 

[NOEChic]

True but everyone knows that if you want your pay to be screwed up, just get married.

My husband was a SrA when we got married...he was only bringing in $350ish a month and still in the dorms.

After we got married, for six months his 1st and 15th checks were $25. No lie. I could have divorced him, but I knew it wasn't his fault. Thankfully, I had a job in place when I moved to his side of town, so we lived off my income. But I will tell you that it took about 2 years before I could even consider my husband a PROVIDER in terms of who brings home the bacon.

I got married between tech school and pcsing. I went to a navy base and had him put in deers pcsd to my base and never had any pay problems. I got married as an a1c my check were like 400 every 2 weeks.

 

[TamedTresses]

There has to be holes. And hubbies actions are extremely wrong, but as someone who pays extra attention to finances, I can understand frustration. If I ask my significant other, who is bad with money, not to move, they move find themself without a home, move into a high cost hotel, that I would be expected to foot the bill for, I would do it, but I damn sure would have an attitude about it. Flame me but its what I think.

A lot of this seems like extreme immaturity and selfishness on both parts.

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I agree with moda that there is no reason to flame you because you would still assist your SO. I wouldn't have been happy if I was in the situation either, but I would NOT have let my SO have to go to a homeless shelter. There are ways to teach someone a lesson, but this is a bit extreme IMO. At the very least, he could have assisted her in getting a bus ticket to a family member's house.

 

[racheljay1985]

I'm guessing DH wasn't aware of how serious things were. I called him the day before to let him know that I was moving into the shelter. When he got back to me he wasn't too happy about it. I of course told him that this is the end result. He then offered to pay for a month at one of the extended stay hotels. When I called them back so he could pay over the phone, it was too late, she had no vacancies. DH is not okay with me staying in a shelter, however, that's what you get when you piddle around.

He did tell his mother about this which she then offered me to come stay with them, but even though her and I have gotten close over the year, I do not feel comfortable with residing there without DH. I can see if it's been a few years but we are still getting to know one another's families. She's married as well and has two grown up sons (my brothers in law) who I haven't even met yet. Maybe it's pride but I prefer to stay in a shelter (while waiting for the hotel to have spots open) than to mooch off of my in laws. My parents/family doesn't know about this matter either and I prefer to keep it this way.

I do have some good news. My boss emailed me to inform me that my check had been sent back to her. She (supposedly) mailed it to me today which means it should be here by the 4th. I also have another check coming on the 10th so I'll be set. Until then, I am okay with staying at the shelter. It's clean, it's safe, there's food, etc. Until the hotel has rooms I will be residing there. I am in a state with no family members, and the friends I do have don't have any room (studio apartments).

To those who are concerned with "holes" in my story. All I can say is that we've been married for 2 months but have been dating over a year. The majority of the time we have been separated because of the military but we were in eachothers faces, in a committed relationship before he left. When you aren't married you get no benefits, etc so since he was only away for basic for 3 months we decided for me to just stay where I was established. I had an apartment, job, was in school etc. When he left for training to TX for 6 months, I was going to move there but again, 6 months isn't all that long and I understood he needed to focus on studying, etc. They will not let the guys live off base unless they are married. If they are just starting out at AIT (advanced individual training) they do not always have permission to even leave the base. This also includes when they receive a weapon. It really depends on how well they do in class, and if their platoon is doing well. Some bases don't allow you to even receive your phones if you aren't doing what needs to be done. DH's 101st Special Forces with a top secret clearance so I wanted him to do what he had to do without me being there in his hair. I have no reason to believe that my husband isn't being faithful. He takes being monogamous very seriously as do I. However, his mindset needs to change on this "finance" issue that's for sure.

Of course I have questioned myself over and over again as to why I should even still be with him after this stunt. However, I believe that this will work out. I know he will come to an understanding soon, even if I have to beat it into his head myself. Marriage is tough, but if I bail out at the first mishap then what kind of wife does that make me? I have 100% faith that with some counseling and or compromising and communication we will come out fine.

 

[racheljay1985]

As sad as it may be, I have found this story quite typical amongst the Army community. All of my Army wife friends have gone through this to some degree and have each divorced (of which I didn't support when they sought my advise). A couple of them regret their decisions to divorce.

I feel like the Army doesn't strongly promote marriage like the other branches and many of the wives feel detached. Whereas in the AF you will find many of wives who are VERY involved with their husbands career and the branch. There is an emphasis on maintaining a strong home front for the sake of morale at home which carries over into the workplace. As an AF wive I have been encouraged to get more involved with the AF community, the benefits, my husbands unit, their spouses, etc. But I haven't witness this within the Army community. The Navy? Yes. The Marines? Yes. But not the Army.

OP you should be with your husband and you should have been with him during basic....my husband is retraining at tech school and I see plenty of basic training spouses in the area from all branches.

If you're in a shelter you need to contact the Family Readiness Center and go through his chain of command to demand the support you are entitled to.

And if anything you need to have your own password (he can set up) to the mypay site where you can see his pay, entitlements, etc.

You should have a recall roster and his first shirts contact information.

You need to have the name and phone number of a spouse of another solider in his unit.

If you need help with anything or just need to talk, feel free to PM me and I can give you my phone number.

Regardless of the difference in branches we are a military spouse community who supports each other. I am very aware of the Army community as well and have contacts I can reach back and get answers for you.

Hugs.

But I think this can work.

In the area we are moving to(Ft.Campbell, KY) there is a huge wives support group. They are very friendly, outgoing, etc. They meet up a lot and they have tons of online groups as well. I have read somewhere that the Army has the highest divorce rate in the military and it saddens me. Thanks for offering to help, I'll definitely take advantage of it.

 

[*CherryPie*]

This may be true (@the bolded). Everybody I've ever known that has been in the Army is divorced...or divorced and remaried after they've gotten out of the Army. So sad....

In the area we are moving to(Ft.Campbell, KY) there is a huge wives support group. They are very friendly, outgoing, etc. They meet up a lot and they have tons of online groups as well. I have read somewhere that the Army has the highest divorce rate in the military and it saddens me. Thanks for offering to help, I'll definitely take advantage of it.

 

[Lucie]

I am happy you are getting your checks but why stay @ a shelter if you don't have to? Please reconsider.

 

[racheljay1985]

I am happy you are getting your checks but why stay @ a shelter if you don't have to? Please reconsider.

The extended stay hotel that I'd like to get into is full to capacity. I could stay a few days at other hotels but I'd rather save money and quite frankly I've run into roaches AND bedbugs at a few in this area. Not pretty.

 

[TrueToHair]

............................

 

[racheljay1985]

This may be true (@the bolded). Everybody I've ever known that has been in the Army is divorced...or divorced and remaried after they've gotten out of the Army. So sad....

Yeah, that sucks. DH is only signed up for a 3 year contract. He's intel so he should be getting some great offers after. He mentioned I could have whatever I wanted after that.oke:..it's possible that I'm breaking him

 

[Renewed1]

Never mind.........

 

[racheljay1985]

After reading the whole thing again and putting it all together, I'm assuming this is the lifestyle she's accustomed to. I've never been in a shelter & don't really know what it's like, but as she said, she'd rather be there than with her in laws. I guess there are just a lot of cultural differences here that I do not understand. On that note, this will probably be my last post.

I'm glad to here that you are okay OP - good luck with your decision.

I was born upper middle class so I'm not sure how that would be something I'm accustomed to...? I could very well go live with my family but I chose to tough this out on my own until things get straightened out. I don't believe anyone gets accustomed to having to be in at a certain time, doing chores, going to meetings, sleeping through crying baby's screams, hyper children (who aren't yours) having to sign out and in, and being woken up at ungodly hours, etc. Like I mentioned before, I'm too prideful to live with my inlaws, especially since I do not know them that well.

 

[Ladybelle]

^^ yeah, what MarriageMaterial said.

 

[AlekHidell]

———

 

[hopeful]

Okay this is just strange to me. A young woman raised in an upper middle income home is homeless for a period while in college? And this same woman with an upper middle income family, a husband with a job, in-laws willing to help, and she herself has a job, is once again going to a shelter? OP this may make sense to you but you should wonder why this sounds so odd to most of us. I wish you all the best and pray you never find yourself in a situation like this again.

 

[TamedTresses]

I would much rather stay with the in-laws than stay in a shelter. Even though you don't know them that well, they are now your family AND they have offered to let you stay there. Yes, the extended stay hotel will eventually have room, but that goes back to you spending money that you don't have to, because your in-laws are willing to open their doors to you and welcome you into their home.

There is a saying, "Pride comes before a fall". I think you may need to put your pride aside, OP.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

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[Mortons]

Sometimes toughing things out is admitting that you have made some bad decisions and going home. I had to suck it up and do that last year and it was the best thing for me. Op please consider going home to your family, saving money, and getting things back on track financially.

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[SerenavanderWoodsen]

Sometimes toughing things out is admitting that you have made some bad decisions and going home. I had to suck it up and do that last year and it was the best thing for me. Op please consider going home to your family, saving money, and getting things back on track financially.

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Ita with this. Please consider this OP. A shelter should be your very last resort not your first idea.

 

[Windsy]

Pride goes before a fall and a hearty spirit before destruction.

OP, swallow your pride and go to your in-laws. This is your opportunity to get to know them and for you and your MIL to bond.

Going to a shelter just seems petty in my opinion and an attempt to make DH feel bad.

Please reconsider!!!

 

[tarheelgurl]

I agree with contacting the family readiness group at your base. If not, then since you don't know your in-laws that well, then this is the perfect time to get to know them. They don't have to be intimate with your situation and you can simply tell them that you needed a place to stay between bases. Again, this is a good time to get to know them. I would set aside my pride and either go there or back home. You can tell your family the same thing, 'I'm waiting for him to finish training'. There is no reason to go to a shelter.

In a way, it seems a little selfish to me because you have options to you but you choose to go to a shelter and take a bed away from a woman with no options, hiding from her abusive husband or BF that truly needs that bed. I'm not sending shade to you by any means, but I'm just saying that a shelter should be a very last option and not a way to save money because there are others truly needing that bed. Going to you parents/family would save you money as going to his family also. Same difference.

 

[tarheelgurl]

Pride goes before a fall and a hearty spirit before destruction.

OP, swallow your pride and go to your in-laws. This is your opportunity to get to know them and for you and your MIL to bond.

Going to a shelter just seems petty in my opinion and an attempt to make DH feel bad.

Please reconsider!!!

We are >>>>here<<<<

I totally agree with you.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Yeah, that sucks. DH is only signed up for a 3 year contract. He's intel so he should be getting some great offers after. He mentioned I could have whatever I wanted after that.oke:..it's possible that I'm breaking him

Going into Intel is a VERY smart move, however, please let him know that he may be better off if he signs another contract so he could acquire at least 10 years of experience. 3 years in not enough time to learn and master the career field and intel is a constant emerging field, due to technology. The longer he stays in the most likely will be able to grab a couple high bonuses which factors in his time in grade.

Also, because he is in Intel, he will often come home not being able to tell you anything about how his day went, so don't expect a lot of "after work shop talk" many couples can engage in. OR even on the phone. Even when he gets deployed or goes on TDY's he will most likely be sworn into not discussing anything. Believe it or not but marrying him made you a soldier as well, just from an extended standpoint. In addition to marrying him, you married into a community.

I would also encourage you to take advantage of your spousal preference into government jobs. When you PCS, you have up to a year to use your spousal preference when applying for jobs. The Army branch is a great employer as a civilian.

Two more important things to always have with you as a mil spouse:

1. Power of attorney
2. Copies of his orders, even if they are training rips.

These will become a source of security and empowerment for you during times when you are living a part. Those orders with you on them, indicate that you have a support system that you can take advantage of when your husband is unable to conduct military business for you. Yes he is your pillar as husband, but there will be times when you will have to be his and take care of business on your own. If he is slow to this, then guide him through this process and he'll catch on.

Oh and know his MOS. Learn it by researching stuff on the internet, that way when does share things, you can relate and understand. Google is your friend and you can find tons of information about a military career field online.

You may know these things already, but I'm just providing them just in case you didn't. I'm telling you the life of a military spouse (esp from what I seen on the Army side) can be VERY STRESSFUL on a marriage.

Oh and a little secret I learned is to treat your husband like he is the Colonel or General. If he needs to you call and make an appointment, support him. If he's working a night shift and you can meet him on base, take him dinner or lunch. When ya'll move into together, send baked goodies for him to take to his unit. Every military husband looks for the upmost support from their wife, it really gives them fuel for them to carry on during good and bad spells within their career. I'm not saying be a doormat or let him disrespect you though.

And if you join the FRG, stay away from the gossipy ones. Offer your skills, volunteer to organize fundraisers or programs, and refrain from bad mouthing your spouse around other mil spouses. Trust me it's very easy to get into this and see your husbands job and employer as the enemy. Especially during times where he was put the Army first before all.

Regarding your living situation, if you have a dependent ID and you have access to a base, you an stay at the lodging on base. Those rates are very inexpensive like $35 a night and may be a better alternative and save money. If you need help locating one, let me know I can look a few up for you.

Hugs

 

[mychai]

OP -- I don't know. I feel like you're sowing seeds, and you will not like the fruit they eventually bear. If you truly want this marriage to work, listen to your husband and stay with his family.

 

[Peace in Prose]

You are married, that means shared responsibilities on each others well- being... this ain't no damn cohabitation!!!

 

[Peace in Prose]

Furthermore, this is coming from a vet and an ex- military wife... be careful...

My husband wanted me to move in with my in-laws if he deployed too... I said excuse me, when you met me, was I living with them, so what makes you think I going to stay with them... I been on my own for 5 years before you came along. But his fear was more of the "military" lifestyle.

But that works both ways with the soldier and the spouse, so do try to come up with a budget if you are indeed planning on living by yourself and getting your situation together (self). That word "separation" does not sit right with me... Lots of things happen in AIT. I know... and participated...

All that other hawtaw seems like excuses and you been married for two months so... yeah... as my grandmother says, "don't get left with your arse cheeks fanning in the wind."