Can this marriage be fixed?

[SistaSista]

What type of upbringing did he have growing up? Was his father around much? Maybe he doesn't know what to do when he's alone with her. Maybe you can start with leaving DD with him while you are washing clothes in another area of the house or have him watch her while cooking dinner. That way you are still in the house to monitor what's going on since you dont feel comfortable leaving her alone with him. Then maybe start leaving her with him while going to the grocery store or getting your hair/nails done. Little by little he will get used to being with her.

You should also focus on having alone time with him too. Maybe having a movie night when she's sleep if you can't get a sitter or cook him something special. Men tend to feel left out when so much attention is paid to the little ones.

 

[newbiemom]

Is he pattering the relationship from how he was raise or a cultural apect. Some men really think that parenting is womens work. Regardless of the reason it is going to have to change. Be firm you may not have family there but could you move to where your family is.With children so small you are going to need some help. It is not heathy for a woman in your condition to be under so much stgress.

 

[LifeCoach]

What type of upbringing did he have growing up? Was his father around much? Maybe he doesn't know what to do when he's alone with her. Maybe you can start with leaving DD with him while you are washing clothes in another area of the house or have him watch her while cooking dinner. That way you are still in the house to monitor what's going on since you dont feel comfortable leaving her alone with him. Then maybe start leaving her with him while going to the grocery store or getting your hair/nails done. Little by little he will get used to being with her.

You should also focus on having alone time with him too. Maybe having a movie night when she's sleep if you can't get a sitter or cook him something special. Men tend to feel left out when so much attention is paid to the little ones.

Great advice, neither his father, nor mine were ever in the picture! I will take baby steps while he gets accustomed!

 

[LifeCoach]

Is he pattering the relationship from how he was raise or a cultural apect. Some men really think that parenting is womens work. Regardless of the reason it is going to have to change. Be firm you may not have family there but could you move to where your family is.With children so small you are going to need some help. It is not heathy for a woman in your condition to be under so much stgress.

I cant move to where my family is...most are in Uganda...I was born and raised in the UK and haven't had them in my life really.
Also his family is in Trinidad (that's where he was born and raised until he moved here. Its pretty much just us...my mum is here and she is trying to play an active role but it is hard for her (she is a career woman) but has asked for a few months off after my husband goes back from paternity leave..

 

[Lola Laughs]

Date w/hubby
can you and your hubby have once a week...alone time

^^ITA. It may sound backwards but putting your marriage before the kids will give you what you need to be the best you can be for your kids.

For most of us (myself included) it's second nature to be a good mom, as women we just do what we need to do to take care of our children. But for me, I sometime lose sight of the fact that I need to nurture my marriage as well, like really be intentional about it.

Regularly scheduled date nights help. That and prayer.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

Yes the marriage can be fixed. I was in a similiar situation. Well not quite similiar, but somewhat. My DH is the best daddy that could ever be! But the problem is that we don't have family here, so when my son is home from daycare, I have him most of the day, and DH will keep him for like 6hrs or so. and the problem is that we have grown apart. We had counseling and I hired a babysitter from care.com to watch my son every weekend for 4hrs. So we are starting to date and also the counseling has really paid off. the situation isn't hopeless.

Oh and from the outside looking in...I would say that it would be best for you to set a weekly schedule of when DH should watch ur baby and keep that schedule. Start small like for 2hrs on monday & Thusday, and 4hrs on saturday. So that he can know in advance because sometimes that helps being that he is mentally prepared. And i agree u should tell him to quit hollaring at her, but as far as him playing xBox while he is supposed to be watching her...I don't see the big issue... It's certainly not the best bonding experience, but as long as she is safe, then you should let him do his thing and go take a nap. don't try to dictate how he should spend his time when he watches her....let his relationship develop.

 

[Princess4real]

I know I should have, but I didn't read the whole thread. Did you two talk about having another baby? I mean you didn't get help with the first one and your stressed out and can't go anywhere.

 

[Dak]

OP, how's it going?

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

oh and about the feeling guilty when DH is watching her and not giving her attention. Well if you read any of the child books/mags... babies actually do need some alone playtime for them to develop a healthy sense of self-dependence. so its actually a good thing to let the lil one play by herself while DH play his xbox. hth!

 

[LifeCoach]

oh and about the feeling guilty when DH is watching her and not giving her attention. Well if you read any of the child books/mags... babies actually do need some alone playtime for them to develop a healthy sense of self-dependence. so its actually a good thing to let the lil one play by herself while DH play his xbox. hth!

Thank you sooo much for your advice. It is actually what I am putting into play at the moment and it is working much better. I am also no dictating what they do...and when she cries, I am not running in to save the day - he is taking more control of the situation...and I think he is actually noticing it!

I want to put dating back into the picture when I give birth as I am 33 weeks at the moment! We all went out for a meal on Saturday ...we haven't been out in 5 months before that

Things are looking up!

 

[starfish79]

People grow and change and you guys have had a LOT going on in two years...marriage, and two babies...that would cause an adjustment period. I agree with the other ladies that said to try outside help. I hope you guys can work things out.

 

[LifeCoach]

Thank you ladies for all your advice! It is truly appreciated and I have put most it into practice.

Most of you were right that I wasn't giving them a chance to bond and as a result he was feeling pushed away. Another thing was that we had neglected to have quality time and I was expecting him to do the things with her that I wanted them to. He says he wanted them to bond in their own way and I have backed off!

As a result, we are happier in ourselves and I am finding more time to relax; especially with the upcoming addition to the family.
We are going out more as a family and talking more and he is making a lot more effort ( doing the little things that make a difference)

Thanks again for all your input...it has helped up retouch base!

 

[Amcd]

And this is why I love this board so much! Congrats on getting your marriage back on track.