Can This Marriage Work? Long Post!

Is this worth fixing?

  • No, get out while you can!!

    Votes: 23 38.3%

  • Yes, it can still be fixed if proper guidance is followed.

    Votes: 37 61.7%
  • Total voters
    60
  • Poll closed .
I've read this entire thread and then went back and read her original post. I believe there is more to this story that isn't being told. Too many things are off.
 
OP...I am so sorry it has come down to this.....I really thought you guys could work it out.

I'm not big on running out of a marriage but I just can't shake the fact that you will be in a shelter because of his immaturity....he isn't ready to be a husband.

Please let us know if you are ok.
 
TrueToHair said:
Good point. I'm starting to realize that so many people don't realize what marriage is supposed to be! It's a union, partnership, and contract! I'm not married, but I have relatives who are, and I have let in-laws stay with me when they are in the country (and I'm talking distant in-laws at that. This is part of our culture). That's what family is supposed to do! I would certainly believe that immediate in-laws should not be okay with their daughter in law out on the streets.
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:yep: ma'am......his parents gained a daughter and I say she go call on her family to take her in.
 
faithVA, what do you find off? The only thing I found off is her place of employment and waiting another month to get paid. I wonder if the OP spoke with her family members and friends about this situation because if she did I'm sure her family would step in and help.
 
Love Always said:
@faithVA, what do you find off? The only thing I found off is her place of employment and waiting another month to get paid. I wonder if the OP spoke with her family members and friends about this situation because if she did I'm sure her family would step in and help.
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I retract my statement. I can't quite put my finger on what's missing from this story. So going to leave it alone.
 
Bottom line is ain't no way I'm doing ANY wifely duties for a man that can live with me being in a shelter! Marriage OVER!
 
So when is the rent due? The beginning of the month? Has it come due yet? You should have a little time to stay in a place even though the rent is late. They're not going to drag you out that very day, right? Do you have to check into a shelter really?
 
Anakinsmomma said:
I havent read the whole thread, but I wanted to say OP, it'll be ok :hug:

Ive been married a month and me and DH had to have some similar conversations. It's because men have not been raised to see themselves as providers like in the past.

BUT after explaining my expectations to DH (which should've been done before the wedding) we are reaching a plan. A lot of it is just getting used to a new way of life. Yes, we had a child and were living together prior but it's still a major adjustment.

Good luck
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truer words have never been spoken!
 
At the expense of sounding meladramatic, in this instance yoiur husband has superpbly failed you. It is possible to get over this through a lot of counseling and reasonable goals laid out for you both. However, If that isn't done then prepare for some more of this BS. That whole bit about him not having to take care of you since you guys are miles apart is perplexing with a side order of cow dung.
 
Chiiiiiiiile run like the wind away from this relationship. This has disaster written all over it. Which will you prefer the pain of divorce down the road or an annullment now. it's about time you think with your head instead of your heart. If he is willing to let you go through this now, nothing else will stop it from being repeated in the future.

Apparently he has his parents to fall back on when trouble calls and ot once did you mention going there with him when he was at their house. why can't you stay with them for now? Like I said run.
 
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FoxxyLocs said:
If your hubby knows you are checking into a shelter and he's ok with it, that would be a huge red flag for me. He has money available, but he doesn't want to give it to you because you should be taking care of yourself? I don't understand this at all. I'm sure he does work very hard for his paycheck, but IMO, any decent man would be glad to give the shirt off his back to make sure his woman has food and a safe place to sleep. You can't be selfish in a marriage. God bless you hun, and I hope you guys can work it out.

Sent from my HTC Evo
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This would be a problem. I don't care what is going on in a marriage but if he willingly allows you to go to a shelter when he can help avoid it, this man is NOT worth being married to.
 
I'm going to have to agree w/ faithVA something just is not right in the water. I'm feeling like we got 3/5 of a story.

However, even without the 2/5 that's missing the husband is a douche. Ya'll all up in arms because she has to stay at a shelter. Hell if my husband let me get to the point where I had to stay at a bottom of the barrel hotel, I'd be hotter than fish grease. I'm assuming the hotel is not the business because OP doesn't have any money and ya'll know extended stay hotels are crappy.
 
^^^^:yep: This paragraph from the OP drops some clues, but I think there's more here

racheljay1985 said:
I haven't been the most responsible person with money, mine or anyone elses for that matter. I don't have extreme amounts of credit debt, but in my past money has burned holes in my pocket. To me, money is a tool. There were times when money was scarce in my family, but I was also spoiled as a child too not to mention I have a talent for extracting money from men (ex sugar baby :ohwell:) DH's background was very poor so I can see why he would want to hang on to everything, but he likes to splurge too from time to time. Now, I will say that over the past year I have focused on using my money the right way and would consider myself more responsible with it. DH and I went through a few rough patches when we first dated. I at 24 ended up finding myself in a new city, living in homeless shelters, and waiting for school money to bail me out. With dedication I was able to save up enough money to remove myself, get a place, and find a job.

During this time DH (then DB) would come over from his parents place and give me groceries, and occasional money without me asking for it.
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Also sounds she was living in a shelter earlier in their relationship so that may be why he's not seeing this as unacceptable.

I really wish the OP well, this sounds like a complicated and sad situation.
 
I don't care how much more there is to the story she should not be in a shelter. I also hate to say what someone else should do in their relationship, however, based on what the OP has shared I'd move on and not think twice about it. I don't even know how counseling would help to get over this craziness and what's worse is he does not see the value in it.

I am sorry I don't care if she lived in a homeless shelter for the whole entire time they dated, she is his wife and he should never see this as acceptable. Hayle he should not see it as acceptable as her boyfriend but they are obviously past that now. Now if she was a drug addict and not willing to take help I could understand him turning his back on her.
 
TrueToHair said:
I agree. I thought the problem here was his cavalier attitude toward his own wife more than anything. His comments (plural) represent a pattern of behavior. I'm sorry but a man shouldn't even speak to a woman this way. Much less his wife, the woman he vowed to "love and cherish" for better or worse!

The fact is he has a roof over his head, paid for by the government, while she is out there on the streets. And he's going to get benefits simply by being marrying to her. It is his job to carry the responsibilities that come with this privilege.
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Exactly! Sounds like he married her to get the extra benefits so he could save more money. He wants to have the benefit of a wife but she does not get the benefit of a husband.
 
I think people are misconstruing what is being said. No one is saying his behavior is acceptable. NO ONE. They're married and that means they are both the caretakers of each others lives. If that's not where they're at, then they don't need to be married.

What I and others have pointed out is that it sounds like some important elements of the story are being left out or glossed over.

Personally, even when I don't agree with someone's behavior, I try to understand it. Based on what the OP originaly wrote, there is probably some information about their history that would be helpful to understanding why they are where they are. And if you understand it, then whatever thoughts you offer will likely be more helpful because they're based on truth and not surface stuff or reading between the lines.
 
ambergirl said:
Also sounds she was living in a shelter earlier in their relationship so that may be why he's not seeing this as unacceptable.

I really wish the OP well, this sounds like a complicated and sad situation.
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Even if she lived in a shelter before, his role as her husband is to protect and provide, and he failed her in a very big way. And, the fact that he can rest easy at night while his wife is in a shelter, and he has money in his pockets to prevent that, is very telling.
 
Amen! This is unexcusable!

moda said:
I don't care how much more there is to the story she should not be in a shelter. I also hate to say what someone else should do in their relationship, however, based on what the OP has shared I'd move on and not think twice about it. I don't even know how counseling would help to get over this craziness and what's worse is he does not see the value in it.

I am sorry I don't care if she lived in a homeless shelter for the whole entire time they dated, she is his wife and he should never see this as acceptable. Hayle he should not see it as acceptable as her boyfriend but they are obviously past that now. Now if she was a drug addict and not willing to take help I could understand him turning his back on her.
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moda I agree w/this entire post!
 
ambergirl said:
I think people are misconstruing what is being said. No one is saying his behavior is acceptable. NO ONE. They're married and that means they are both the caretakers of each others lives. If that's not where they're at, then they don't need to be married.

What I and others have pointed out is that it sounds like some important elements of the story are being left out or glossed over.

Personally, even when I don't agree with someone's behavior, I try to understand it. Based on what the OP originaly wrote, there is probably some information about their history that would be helpful to understanding why they are where they are. And if you understand it, then whatever thoughts you offer will likely be more helpful because they're based on truth and not surface stuff or reading between the lines.
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I don't think people are misconstruing anything at all. I understand what you are saying, there is always more to every story that is posted as a thread asking for advice. My only point was that under no circumstances should a man with a wife be ok with her living in a shelter when he has the means to help her. I mean he thinks that since they are "separated" they should fend for themselves. I mean who thinks that, regardless of the rest of the story?
 
YES!! His behavior is inexcusable, but something is off. How did he go from bringing you groceries and extra money without asking while dating you to this? How long have you all been married? You said just this past year you have become more responsible with money...how were you spending yall's money before and is that the reason why is he so apatheic now? I don't mean to imply that his behavior towards you is your fault, but unless he is a complete jackarse (and has probably been so from day 1), something isn't adding up. Regardless, you don't deserve to be treated like this.

Please reach out to his parents or any of your friends for a roof over your head...you should not have to live in a shelter and I would seriously consider an annullment if he doesn't step in.

ambergirl said:
^^^^:yep: This paragraph from the OP drops some clues, but I think there's more here



Also sounds she was living in a shelter earlier in their relationship so that may be why he's not seeing this as unacceptable.

I really wish the OP well, this sounds like a complicated and sad situation.
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