Can This Marriage Work? Long Post!

[ambergirl]

This

Please don't take this the wrong way, OP, but I don't think you and your DH knew each other very well before you got married.

This

The only new thing I want to add is this. You seem to have an expectation for your husband to provide for you. There are some men who feel that if they are providing for you, they are the head of their household and you should listen to what they say. It seems like you want the best of both worlds- independence to do whatever you feel is right AND the husband who takes care of all your needs. I am not saying this is wrong but I advise you to be very clear on what the mindset of your spouse is like. Then you have to think about how you want to live your life. If those things line up, dig in and do what you need to do to build a cohesive family unit. Good luck!

And this.....

This seems very fixable

He is frustrated because you did something he asked you not to do and now he has to foot the bill.

You're frustrated because you did something you had to do, then ask him for help only to be met with resistance.

You all can get counseling, make a sound financial plan, and get it together.

This is fixable

in that order

 

[racheljay1985]

*Update* Hey ladies,

Thank you for your much needed replies. I just wanted to clarify a few things. DH and I dated in person before he left for the military so we may be newlyweds, but we aren't strangers. Of course it's been a journey with our recent LDR but in terms of "knowing" each other I would just compare it with most spouses who never lived together before marrying.

I was raised an army brat along with a majority of my family being service members so I'm not all that unaware when it comes to the lifestyle, however, I would assume being married to the military is a bit different. I am enrolled in DEERS, however BAH hasn't kicked in yet and once it does, DH prefers to use the money to purchase a car together/bills. Sometimes it takes 1-6 months depending on how things get registered with finance. I know a few wives who didn't receive BAH until 6 months later. With this being known I have never depended on it whatsoever. We turned in all of the paperwork as of August. Of course the whole point of BAH with dependents is to pay for housing (which I need) and I've mentioned this but again, since I have a job... that seems to be out of the question for him.

We spoke a little about the situation at hand but now DH is appalled that I would even suggest counseling in this early of a stage within our marriage. I disagree with that statement as he did promise he'd go, and we never did premarital counseling to begin with. With that being said I just decided to take things one step at a time and leave it alone for the time being. I can definitely see where DH is coming from as I did put myself in that situation. However, my whole point is that regardless of if my decision to leave was wrong, if I would've stayed put, my check could have very well still been lost in the mail. I just don't see how it makes any difference. If I'm married, and we both work, and someone's pay gets snubbed...someone has to pay. What difference does spending money on a hotel differ from me not being able to make rent if I was still at my same place? Point is, we are married, I didn't get paid this month, you did, I have no way of financially taking care of it, what now?
That being said, my boss emailed me to tell me that I will have to wait 90 days until I can receive a new check, and I will have to pay a $25 stopping fee on the old check. Luckily I get paid again for this month(different check) but I'm still struggling and that check won't get here until around the 10th of next month. As of now, my company owes me around ($1,600)

Before we tied the knot, we went through a checklist of important marital/make or break situations. Everything on that list (including the one I'm in) was made clear that we had the same views. I understand where my husband is coming from, he works very hard for the little pay that he gets. His issue is that he feels that lately I have been too needy. At this time he can't necessarily provide all of the things I need (especially without BAH, BAS, etc) and the deal was we would care for ourselves while apart. However, I am not in a financial situation to do that because of missed payment, yet he has the funds. This situation butted from a ONE time offense which is why I don't understand him. I asked for $30 for food, and then I asked if he could pay for my hotel in which at first he didn't complain. From my understanding, if a spouse needs necessities like food, water, and a place to sleep and can not make the necessary arrangements, the other spouse should step up. Obviously if my check had come, I wouldn't have had to ask him for anything. He's admitted that once he is home he will be able to take care of food, shelter, etc. But the way he's said things just rubbed me the wrong way, especially when he mentioned "what are you going to do if I get deployed?" This to me says, you are on your own. We are partners, but my money is my money. At the same time he speaks of investing, savings, etc together. Okay, so, when we are apart I'm on my own??

I feel that he's still stuck in "me" mode financially right now. He's mentioned in a previous argument that his checks say HIS name on it, and not mine. What he doesn't realize is that before a court judge 50% isn't his and about 1/3 via military belongs to me. However, I'm afraid he will just have to learn as he's taking 50/50 to a whole new level. I just really with he'd understand that we are in this together, we are one in the same. What's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine. Not what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine until we are in each other's faces.

As of now ladies, I'll just do the best I can to survive even though I'm 24 hours away from being homeless. It's just strange that in 6 weeks we will be "sharing" everything. As of now I'm stepping back and letting things happen as they may. I just want to show him that this is a partnership, I feel that a session with someone who understands marriages and how they work can show him that. Until then I will just sit back and be patient.

 

[Aveena]

*Update*

We spoke a little about the situation at hand but now DH is appalled that I would even suggest counseling in this early of a stage within our marriage. I disagree with that statement as he did promise he'd go, and we never did premarital counseling to begin with. With that being said I just decided to take things one step at a time and leave it alone for the time being. I can definitely see where DH is coming from as I did put myself in that situation. However, my whole point is that regardless of if my decision to leave was wrong, if I would've stayed put, my check could have very well still been lost in the mail. I just don't see how it makes any difference. If I'm married, and we both work, and someone's pay gets snubbed...someone has to pay. What difference does spending money on a hotel differ from me not being able to make rent if I was still at my same place? Point is, we are married, I didn't get paid this month, you did, I have no way of financially taking care of it, what now?
That being said, my boss emailed me to tell me that I will have to wait 90 days until I can receive a new check, and I will have to pay a $25 stopping fee on the old check. Luckily I get paid again for this month(different check) but I'm still struggling and that check won't get here until around the 10th of next month. As of now, my company owes me around ($1,600)

Before we tied the knot, we went through a checklist of important marital/make or break situations. Everything on that list (including the one I'm in) was made clear that we had the same views. I understand where my husband is coming from, he works very hard for the little pay that he gets. His issue is that he feels that lately I have been too needy. At this time he can't necessarily provide all of the things I need (especially without BAH, BAS, etc) and the deal was we would care for ourselves while apart. However, I am not in a financial situation to do that because of missed payment, yet he has the funds. This situation butted from a ONE time offense which is why I don't understand him. I asked for $30 for food, and then I asked if he could pay for my hotel in which at first he didn't complain. From my understanding, if a spouse needs necessities like food, water, and a place to sleep and can not make the necessary arrangements, the other spouse should step up.

OP In my opinion you are 100% correct. So, trust yourself 100% to answer the question you posed in the original OP and don't second guess yourself.

You know what you have to do to survive. I am appalled that your DH can't see past "sticking to the original plan" in your time of need!!! Then have the nerve to be appalled himself!? HMPF

Some people don't find out how their spouse will react in a financial pinch until too much is on the line.... you have a clear picture

I mean who cares about the original plan??? Hello? There's been a slight interruption to the original plannnnn!!!!!

Seems like if money is flowing things are good.... money gets tight people start acting flaky erplexed

And the bigger problem is that only he can change how he feels about money and 'original plans' and etc... I wouldn't EVEN try to change his opinion only because he says he doesn't want counseling.

I don't know OP? I have to change my answer
Will you be able to forgive this? I don't know?
Is this big enough to end things? I don't know?

 

[Love Always]

I think it's foul that he has a fend for yourself mentality. He really needs to understand his role of being a husband, he's suppose to provide and take care of you no matter what the circumstances. I hope you two can work this out.

 

[MamaBear2012]

I'm a newlywed myself, and it's hard to mesh two lives together when you haven't lived together before (DH and I had not). But I'm sure things will work out for you. Hopefully your DH will change his mind about counseling. I know a lot of couples who have been married for 30+ years (my parents included) who make counseling/or marriage retreats a priority. This will probably be the most important relationship that you will have on this earth, so you need to invest time in it and continue to learn about each other.

*Wishing you the best*

 

[UmSumayyah]

Was his father married to his mother?

 

[racheljay1985]

Was his father married to his mother?

Yes, both his parents are still married.

 

[Anakinsmomma]

I havent read the whole thread, but I wanted to say OP, it'll be ok :hug:

Ive been married a month and me and DH had to have some similar conversations. It's because men have not been raised to see themselves as providers like in the past.

BUT after explaining my expectations to DH (which should've been done before the wedding) we are reaching a plan. A lot of it is just getting used to a new way of life. Yes, we had a child and were living together prior but it's still a major adjustment.

Good luck

 

[moda]

Wow OP I don't even have any advice now that you have provided that update. He does not understand what a marriage is really about and seems he only want what he sees as the "benefit" of marriage. Since his parents are married it would be interesting to know how they view marital finances. This is a major red flag for me especially since he does not see the value in counseling. I wish you all the best and hope you are not homeless in 24 hours.

Do you have a credit card or someone willing to put some more time on theirs and you pay them when you are paid?

 

[moda]

double post

 

[spelmanlocks]

He has the wrong mindset. I come from a big military family including my father and brother both who supported their spouse while on deployments. A man should at least be able to provide basic shelter and food for his wife. I know that in marriage sometimes its difficult for people to adjust to the 'we' mindset.

If he doesn't want to do counseling maybe you all can purchase some marriage help books to read. Every now and again DH and I find a book and read it together and it helps out a lot. Of course you both have to be committed to actually reading and finishing the book.

 

[Christina Dior]

Several posters have posted information that can be helpful.

As a 20 yr veteran who has seen this very scene played out several times I'm going to ask you to take a deep breath and then try to see this from the husband's perspective:



The money paid for BAH should start on the 1st or 15th of the month following when he turned in his marriage certificate AND rental agreement for housing - you don't have a home to meet that standard. This maybe a hold up to him getting you PART of that money that is due to you. Even if he had everything needed you must remember he's in training and time for these types of administrative activities are scarce.

It is a dangerous thing to count on money that is not truly on hand. Oh and just so you know, the money paid for BAH does not always cover your rent & your food. So saving now while there are very few bills is the right thing to do. If you live on post you will not receive the BAH at all because it pays your housing bills.

He is your husband and does have a responsibility to take care of you but you as a wife have a responsibility to make only bills that you both can afford.

I have witnessed so many Soldiers at their wits ends because their wives have this sense that they are supposed to take care of everything while they continue to make bill after bill.

Soldiers do not make a lot of money until they hit at least 7 yrs of service. Yes, they usually make more than people their age but when you make more you spend more.

Consider your part in why he feels this way and the two of you need to work TOGETHER to get this thing right.

ITA with every word you said!!

 

[racheljay1985]

Several posters have posted information that can be helpful.

As a 20 yr veteran who has seen this very scene played out several times I'm going to ask you to take a deep breath and then try to see this from the husband's perspective:



The money paid for BAH should start on the 1st or 15th of the month following when he turned in his marriage certificate AND rental agreement for housing - you don't have a home to meet that standard. This maybe a hold up to him getting you PART of that money that is due to you. Even if he had everything needed you must remember he's in training and time for these types of administrative activities are scarce.

It is a dangerous thing to count on money that is not truly on hand. Oh and just so you know, the money paid for BAH does not always cover your rent & your food. So saving now while there are very few bills is the right thing to do. If you live on post you will not receive the BAH at all because it pays your housing bills.

He is your husband and does have a responsibility to take care of you but you as a wife have a responsibility to make only bills that you both can afford.

I have witnessed so many Soldiers at their wits ends because their wives have this sense that they are supposed to take care of everything while they continue to make bill after bill.

Soldiers do not make a lot of money until they hit at least 7 yrs of service. Yes, they usually make more than people their age but when you make more you spend more.

Consider your part in why he feels this way and the two of you need to work TOGETHER to get this thing right.

I do understand all that you have said. This will be our first PCS move but I'm not trying to depend on BAH. I understand that it takes time to get it, I've turned in my previous lease to DH and he added everything else. This was turned in around a month ago, possibly more. Our intentions were (and still are) to save anyway. However, I cannot save, nor eat without money I never have intended for hubby to take care of me. I'm quite business minded and have always wanted to do things on my own. Being a stay at home mom has never crossed my mind unlike a lot of military wives. I plan on making the bacon as well and adding to the pot. Unfortunately, my check is still lost in translation. My only intention was that I want to put in 50/50 as we so agreed but if that's impossible at this time, why should I get attitude? I'd do the same for him 10 times over. I just don't see how he can say he'd die for me, but when his wife is in need he cries about it.

 

[racheljay1985]

Wow OP I don't even have any advice now that you have provided that update. He does not understand what a marriage is really about and seems he only want what he sees as the "benefit" of marriage. Since his parents are married it would be interesting to know how they view marital finances. This is a major red flag for me especially since he does not see the value in counseling. I wish you all the best and hope you are not homeless in 24 hours.

Do you have a credit card or someone willing to put some more time on theirs and you pay them when you are paid?

Thanks Moda,

As of now I will be checking into a women's shelter. I'll be okay as it is just temporary. I hope I can move on from this and not hold animosity towards DH. I'll be checking on things ladies!

 

[FoxxyLocs]

If your hubby knows you are checking into a shelter and he's ok with it, that would be a huge red flag for me. He has money available, but he doesn't want to give it to you because you should be taking care of yourself? I don't understand this at all. I'm sure he does work very hard for his paycheck, but IMO, any decent man would be glad to give the shirt off his back to make sure his woman has food and a safe place to sleep. You can't be selfish in a marriage. God bless you hun, and I hope you guys can work it out.

Sent from my HTC Evo

 

[NOEChic]

Ain't no way on God's green earth, would I be moving in a shelter while my husband had a paycheck that could cover my expenses. Unless he had some obscene bills before he got in the military, then basically his paycheck is his. The military is covering housing and food, so he don't have to worry about that. Saving money so he can buy a car while you are hotel and shelter hopping is not sitting right with me.

But if you think it is ok for him not to help you when you have an actual need, then more power to you and I hope y'all make it. But as for me, he would have been served with divorce papers and I would make sure I send it to his shirt, finance office and CC.

 

[crlsweetie912]

Wow OP I don't even have any advice now that you have provided that update. He does not understand what a marriage is really about and seems he only want what he sees as the "benefit" of marriage. Since his parents are married it would be interesting to know how they view marital finances. This is a major red flag for me especially since he does not see the value in counseling. I wish you all the best and hope you are not homeless in 24 hours.

Do you have a credit card or someone willing to put some more time on theirs and you pay them when you are paid?

Thanks Moda,

As of now I will be checking into a women's shelter. I'll be okay as it is just temporary. I hope I can move on from this and not hold animosity towards DH. I'll be checking on things ladies!

Woah........there's no one that you can stay with? Can't your company expedite your check? Does your husband know this.....

Sent from my Desire HD using Desire HD

 

[NOEChic]

Oh and it don't take that long for finance to update getting BAH. If they are it is because finance and mpf aren't doing what they are supposed to do. i.e enter the information in the system. There is a cutoff for them to do it. To get in on the next paycheck they have to have the paperwork and computer system updated I think 5 days out. If they do it less than 5 days before you are to get paid then you have to wait till the next pay period.

I have NEVER (knock on wood) had a pay problem that lasted more than one or two paychecks. The people that do have problems aren't keeping up with their pay and making sure things get done.

 

[TrueToHair]

.........................

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

*sighs* imma wait til i get home and post cuz see, right now da hubby drivin and he cant drive and its rainin...plus he done pissed me off.....he sittin ova there drivin lookin like a gotdayum crash dummy n shy * looks ova at him n rolls my eyes*

Plus i gotta keep my eyes on da road wif da crash dummy. And on top of dat dis same said dummy bought me newport regulas, not newport one hunnits....bama.

So imma hafta get back witchall n keep my eyes on da road AND i gotta make a stop at da licka sto.

*ramblin...i done took n told dis fool to pump da breaks n slow down*

 

[pookaloo83]

*sighs* imma wait til i get home and post cuz see, right now da hubby drivin and he cant drive and its rainin...plus he done pissed me off.....he sittin ova there drivin lookin like a gotdayum crash dummy n shy * looks ova at him n rolls my eyes*

Plus i gotta keep my eyes on da road wif da crash dummy. And on top of dat dis same said dummy bought me newport regulas, not newport one hunnits....bama.

So imma hafta get back witchall n keep my eyes on da road AND i gotta make a stop at da licka sto.

*ramblin...i done took n told dis fool to pump da breaks n slow down*

 

[ambergirl]

OP, I don't know where you live but you may be able to move into a hostel rather then a shelter if you have a little money. Hosteling International is the most well known one.

http://www.hiusa.org/

Mostly international travelers and students stay there, most offer a single room, a shared room, or a dorm setting for a fraction of the cost of a hotel and they have kitchen facilities.

 

[Mortons]

Is your husband really gonna let you go to a shelter? I plan to have a wife someday, and I would rather work 20 hour days and only keep .50 in my pocket at a time than let her not have a comfortable place to stay.

And why did you all agree to take care of yourselves while apart? Why such an agreement?

 

[Raine054]

Any man that would allow his wife to move into a shelter even for one night while he has the means to take care of her is despicable. If he's comfortable with you living there OP, I say get the divorce.

 

[hopeful]

Thanks Moda,

As of now I will be checking into a women's shelter. I'll be okay as it is just temporary. I hope I can move on from this and not hold animosity towards DH. I'll be checking on things ladies!

There are certain things you don't get over. Your husband allowing you to live in a shelter is one of them. I couldn't forgive my husband for letting that happen. Like 20 years later I would still be pissed. But maybe that's just me.

Also if it were me I'd sell some of his stuff and use the money to stay in a hotel. Ain't no way in hell I'd stay in a shelter and I'm married. No way. I'd rather he be pissed 20 years later that I sold his leather coat and Jordan's than me mad about staying in a shelter.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Ok yall I'm back......

*lights up a newport one hunnit n pours me some Jack D straight one da rocks*

Lemme git dis hea straight....

*puffs n plucks ash*

Yo huzbin is in da military somewhere trainin, right? You work but da company didn't send u your check or it got lost in da mail and u only get paid once a month, right?

*takes a sip and anotha puff*

Meanwhile back at da ranch, u be runnin from pillar to post tryna maintain stability while he servin. Now u bout to be set out, and dis bama won't even see to it that his wife is taken care of, REGARDLESS of what you did so now u gotta go stay in a shelta?

Da hell kinda phuckery is dat?? Help me unda stand...but yet, when he comes home, he wants YALL to save for a car. YALL cuz u have a job, so that means that he would want you to contribute.

*takes anotha sip n puff....plucks ash*

Lemme touch on him for a min, den imma touch on you cuz none of dis makes no sense and you don't hafta be in da situation ur in.

He is on some bullshyt "me" time. He tryna establish him which is crazy cuz i KNOW he got some money saved cuz he aint got to spend none. He gets 3 squares and a cot. Im not feelin him tellin u that basically ur on your own knowin ur about to be homeless. Im not understanding that at all. *takes another sip* and he meant what he said in dat text, and if you accept it, his actions paves the eay to what the marriage will be like. Bottom line, i know das ur man fiddy grand, but he selfish as phuck and prolly did da marriage thing for da money benefit. Why couldn't yall get married after he did all of his training? I could be wrong, but I would SHOW him netta than I would tell him cuz it sounds like he wants the "BENEFITS" of marriage and what the military can offer, but as a real man, he doesn't know or isn't man enuff to man up and take care of his wife.

Now, lets tawk aboutchu. Pack yo stuff n go back home to your family. Let this be a lesson learned to save money, budget and stop spendin money that you don't have. You should have prepared and planned a little better than what you did. Judgin by dat pic of yours, ur a cute girl, but lookin fab and bein homeless is not da bidness chile.....no shape form or fashion.

*sippin n puffin*

I would be embarrased to tell someone dat my husband in da military and Im homeless. People gonna lookatchu thinkin u ain't gotcha paperwork in order chile..

My suggestion to you would be to go yo job n getcha check straight. Pack yo shyt n go home wif ur family...yo momma, daddy, brotha, sista, cuz'n, da pastor...somebody and regroup cuz dis hea don't make no sense. Both of yall are young and need to getcha paperwork in order. Its about to get cold outside and folks funny about people stayin with them cuz afta while, u wear ur welcome out.

*puffs n sips*

Im sure ur parents would be upset if they knew the situation u were in. I hope you've learned something from this, cuz dis is ridiculous and it doesn't have to be.

 

[NOEChic]

Ok yall I'm back......

*lights up a newport one hunnit n pours me some Jack D straight one da rocks*

Lemme git dis hea straight....

*puffs n plucks ash*

Yo huzbin is in da military somewhere trainin, right? You work but da company didn't send u your check or it got lost in da mail and u only get paid once a month, right?

*takes a sip and anotha puff*

Meanwhile back at da ranch, u be runnin from pillar to post tryna maintain stability while he servin. Now u bout to be set out, and dis bama won't even see to it that his wife is taken care of, REGARDLESS of what you did so now u gotta go stay in a shelta?

Da hell kinda phuckery is dat?? Help me unda stand...but yet, when he comes home, he wants YALL to save for a car. YALL cuz u have a job, so that means that he would want you to contribute.

*takes anotha sip n puff....plucks ash*

Lemme touch on him for a min, den imma touch on you cuz none of dis makes no sense and you don't hafta be in da situation ur in.

He is on some bullshyt "me" time. He tryna establish him which is crazy cuz i KNOW he got some money saved cuz he aint got to spend none. He gets 3 squares and a cot. Im not feelin him tellin u that basically ur on your own knowin ur about to be homeless. Im not understanding that at all. *takes another sip* and he meant what he said in dat text, and if you accept it, his actions paves the eay to what the marriage will be like. Bottom line, i know das ur man fiddy grand, but he selfish as phuck and prolly did da marriage thing for da money benefit. Why couldn't yall get married after he did all of his training? I could be wrong, but I would SHOW him netta than I would tell him cuz it sounds like he wants the "BENEFITS" of marriage and what the military can offer, but as a real man, he doesn't know or isn't man enuff to man up and take care of his wife.

Now, lets tawk aboutchu. Pack yo stuff n go back home to your family. Let this be a lesson learned to save money, budget and stop spendin money that you don't have. You should have prepared and planned a little better than what you did. Judgin by dat pic of yours, ur a cute girl, but lookin fab and bein homeless is not da bidness chile.....no shape form or fashion.

*sippin n puffin*

I would be embarrased to tell someone dat my husband in da military and Im homeless. People gonna lookatchu thinkin u ain't gotcha paperwork in order chile..

My suggestion to you would be to go yo job n getcha check straight. Pack yo shyt n go home wif ur family...yo momma, daddy, brotha, sista, cuz'n, da pastor...somebody and regroup cuz dis hea don't make no sense. Both of yall are young and need to getcha paperwork in order. Its about to get cold outside and folks funny about people stayin with them cuz afta while, u wear ur welcome out.

*puffs n sips*

Im sure ur parents would be upset if they knew the situation u were in. I hope you've learned something from this, cuz dis is ridiculous and it doesn't have to be.

I can't thank on my iPod, but this post right here is on point.

 

[Ladybelle]

wth? wait... what happened since I first posted in here?

Lawd, I agree with Noe and jersey. I say " i can do bad by myself."

sorry OP. I was initially trying to be optimistic, but your update has me very,very concerned. Please think aboutthis, u jst got married and you're about to be homeless? While he's saving money? I can't say what I would do, but my feeling is to tell him to gtfhoohwtbs and take his last name with him.

How dare he? Even if you've done a piss poor job of managing money, it's not his job to teach you a lesson by letting you become homeless, his job is to protect you and provide for you at all costs. At least, that's what I thought husbands were supposed to do.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Da hell kinda phuckery is dat??! .

That sums up my feelings on a situation.

I'm going to echo the divorce sentiment. a man who would let his wife go to a shelter instead of paying for housing is no man at all. I'm not even sure why you would waste brain cells thinking about what to do.

 

[TamedTresses]

I'm confused as to why your hubby thinks he doesn't have to take care of you because he is away. I'm not really sure where the 'not together' part comes in. He is away, but you two are still very much together; you're married!

The sad part is that you are not going to a shelter because he doesn't have the funds to help you, but because he refuses to. That is really baffling to me. Your safety and security should be his NUMBER ONE priority...especially while he is out of town.

Anyway, I'm sorry you have to go through this, OP, and I sincerely hope everything works out for you.