ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Tit for tat seems to be the nature of the relationship.
And how is going to a homeless shelter preserving your pride?
Again, the story is odd, the behavior is odd.
Can This Marriage Work? Long Post!
- Thread starter racheljay1985
- Start date
Tit for tat seems to be the nature of the relationship.
And how is going to a homeless shelter preserving your pride?
Again, the story is odd, the behavior is odd.
NOEChic
I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
Oh I just thought of this. DO NOT TELL EVERYONE AND THEIR GRANDMA THAT YOUR HUSBAND WORKS IN INTEL. That job specifically is a big no no. Just tell them that he is in the military and keep it at that. People may try to become your friend, to find out when and where he is going on tdy/deployment. He has a TS and is privy to a lot of classified information that can/may be detrimental to him, his plt, base or the US depending on what he knows and what he does.
TrueToHair
Well-Known Member
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SerenavanderWoodsen
SkinnyMe
I didn't want to seem callous but I thought the same thing. But if he's not doing all he can to preclude you going to a shelter then you need to consider whether it's worth being married to him. If my husband let me check into a shelter I'd be checking out of the marriage.
UrbainChic
Well-Known Member
I wanted to stay out of this but I felt I needed to post. OP don't get mad, please hear this out-- I am going to ask you to look at yourself.
Maybe your husband took so long to take you seriously because you always have "emergencies" i am inferring from your previous posts that your money problems in the past have been an issue and it may not be that he didnt care that it was serious this time, he might not have been able to tell the difference. I want to refer to the boy who cried wolf--- but that doesnt sound quite right because from what i'm reading you probably thought all the other spending was necessary too, and had an urgency about your asking then too. Its only in hindsight you can now see they pale in comparison.
Additionally, I agree going to a shelter instead of w/ inlaws or family is selfish. It takes up a bed for someone in a real emergency ( though it feels like an emergency to you) and now your husband has been put on the spot and manipulated into proving he cares by giving you what you wanted. I'm not saying that you are doing this on purpose, in fact it could be more subconscious than anything.
I'm not married but I know that successful marriage is about compromise. Compromise has to come from both ends too. Is it really so bad to stay with your in laws or family? Maybe it is, since I am not aware of the details of your life or relationship with these folks, but most likely it is not so bad. Perhaps the compromise should be coming from your end, where you give up some comfort and independence temporarily-- a few weeks!-- to build a better future with your husband.
When I first read your OP I thought, "this can be fixed!" but as the thread progressed it sounded as though your DH was a monster who valued saving for a car over a roof for his wife and I thought "oh no!" but now we have come full circle, and I can see many reasons your husband might not have taken this scenario seriously, and called it as a bluff. I think you two can make it, IF and ONLY IF you BOTH go to couseling, and both work on how you communicate.
OP, sometimes we think we are sending one message, but we are really saying another, please rexamine why your husband did not take you seriously. Good Luck to you both.
Maybe your husband took so long to take you seriously because you always have "emergencies" i am inferring from your previous posts that your money problems in the past have been an issue and it may not be that he didnt care that it was serious this time, he might not have been able to tell the difference. I want to refer to the boy who cried wolf--- but that doesnt sound quite right because from what i'm reading you probably thought all the other spending was necessary too, and had an urgency about your asking then too. Its only in hindsight you can now see they pale in comparison.
Additionally, I agree going to a shelter instead of w/ inlaws or family is selfish. It takes up a bed for someone in a real emergency ( though it feels like an emergency to you) and now your husband has been put on the spot and manipulated into proving he cares by giving you what you wanted. I'm not saying that you are doing this on purpose, in fact it could be more subconscious than anything.
I'm not married but I know that successful marriage is about compromise. Compromise has to come from both ends too. Is it really so bad to stay with your in laws or family? Maybe it is, since I am not aware of the details of your life or relationship with these folks, but most likely it is not so bad. Perhaps the compromise should be coming from your end, where you give up some comfort and independence temporarily-- a few weeks!-- to build a better future with your husband.
When I first read your OP I thought, "this can be fixed!" but as the thread progressed it sounded as though your DH was a monster who valued saving for a car over a roof for his wife and I thought "oh no!" but now we have come full circle, and I can see many reasons your husband might not have taken this scenario seriously, and called it as a bluff. I think you two can make it, IF and ONLY IF you BOTH go to couseling, and both work on how you communicate.
OP, sometimes we think we are sending one message, but we are really saying another, please rexamine why your husband did not take you seriously. Good Luck to you both.
racheljay1985
New Member
Thanks for all of the comments. I agree, ican indeed have a needy mentality which is something I'm working on. The situation with living with my family and inlaws isn't just a pride issue. The work I do from home, my personal income involves extreme concentration, dedication, and a quiet, private space to work in. That is all I will go into as far as that goes. Therefore, residing with my fam or inlaws is out if the question. The shelter situation is temporary as well as them having plenty of beds left. If I were to be in the way if someone elses need for a bed I would gladly remove myself. The shelter kniws my situation as well as my income, etc. If they had any doubt in their minds that I didn't qualify to stay here I woukdn't have made it through the front door. I should be receiving my checks here soon in which I will pay for an extended stay hotel, where I can depend on me and work peacefully to continue to save up for what's to come.
Qtee
Member
So..wait..let me get this straight..u will get more peace and quiet in a shelter with dozens of women and no privacy than at a house with a few people...hmmm interesting
NOEChic
I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
Don't nobody else say anything to help this girl or give her sympathy or empathy. She don't want or need it. She rather stay around a bunch of women at a women's shelter, than take the helping hand that is being given to her. At first I thought her hubby was wrong for leaving her out in the cold but obviously she likes it. The only thing staying in a shelter does is give you a story to tell later in life of how you struggled.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
OP, every post raises more quetions then answers including this one. The sense I get is that there is a WHOLE lot of something going on either in your history, your current situation, or both that you are withholding and that's why folks are scratching their head trying to figure out the deal.
In any event, I hope you got what you needed from this thread. I truly do wish you the best in your life and marriage.
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Do_Si_Dos
Well-Known Member
Please reconsider your decision. Could you go to the library to work during the day? There are people who NEED to stay in shelters, but you don't have that NEED! It's almost has if you desire to sleep in an environment that is not stable and in some cases not safe. You have people in your life that can provide you with a stable, safe, and clean roof over your head, I really don't understand. Hope it all works out for you.
Keen
Well-Known Member
I was wondering this also. But OP seems to feel strong about being responsible for herself, even if some of us don't agree on the "responsible" thing to do.
Pardon my french but this has got to be about the dumbest, load of crap I have ever heard. You will have more peace and quiet in a shelter than in a private home? Chile you need your head examined. Your family and his family would have to be a barrel of monkey's to block you from trying to earn a living. You must be out of your mind if you think women in a crisis situation fighting for their life are going to give you the peace to work. What in the world are you smoking?
You are not in a crisis situation, you have some where to go.
Good night.
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Seeking8Rights
New Member
What line of business are you in?
Seeking8Rights
New Member
liberationtheory
Well-Known Member
This "logic" is not computing--
you want to be responsible for yourself, but you're throwing money away by staying in a hotel instead of somewhere free. That is not how you establish a marriage- throwing away money unnecessarily.
You paint the picture that your DH is selfish, but you're the one not willing to save money when you can.
You only make $1600 a month, but you'd rather put that towards a dangone hotel.
Your DH is making his wishes known, yet you want to do what YOU want to do regardless of the cost to your bank account or marriage.
I think YOU'RE not ready for marriage.
And are you in the adult industry or something???
you want to be responsible for yourself, but you're throwing money away by staying in a hotel instead of somewhere free. That is not how you establish a marriage- throwing away money unnecessarily.
You paint the picture that your DH is selfish, but you're the one not willing to save money when you can.
You only make $1600 a month, but you'd rather put that towards a dangone hotel.
Your DH is making his wishes known, yet you want to do what YOU want to do regardless of the cost to your bank account or marriage.
I think YOU'RE not ready for marriage.
And are you in the adult industry or something???
SerenavanderWoodsen
SkinnyMe
Both your own family and your inlaws are that noisy and nosy and would not be able to give you the kind of privacy you'd get...in a shelter? This confuses me. Is there something about the nature of your work that your family or inlaws would not approve of?
SerenavanderWoodsen
SkinnyMe
I shouldn't laugh but thisThis is what I'm thinking.erplexed
Something in the salt isn't kosher...
Never heard that one before lol.No offense to OP.
TrueToHair
Well-Known Member
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qchelle
Well-Known Member
OMG I am crackin up ova here!
Yall, she done already made up her mind about going to the shelter. She doesn't want to go stay with her in-laws because they are strangers (the people at the shelter are strangers too, but it's less personal) and no, she is not willing to compromise in this regard.
OP, I do wish yall the best in the marriage, and I hope everything works out.
TamedTresses
Well-Known Member
liberationtheory
Well-Known Member
The modern day version of Girl 6..
Do_Si_Dos
Well-Known Member
A certain job came to mind, but I won't say what it is.
I thought they made more than $1600 a month.
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HauteHippie
Well-Known Member
Whoa... that is not cool. He's still your husband and in my opinion, has a financial obligation to you. I get that it's a lot of pressure, but damn. It sounds like you two have a different idea of what a partnership and marriagf entail. It's probably worth going over needs, wants, and expectations of each other.
My ex fiance still pays my student loans or helps me out when I need it. I hate needing the help, post graduation, but I really appreciate that he offers and does it. We still care about each other and maybe it's not a struggle.
I was telling this to a guy who is divorced, and explained why he didn't mind paying alimony. He said that when you marry someone, you expect to provide for them and you care about their well-being. Just b/c things don't work out, doesn't mean you just stop caring about their well-being or your responsibilities. Sounds like... your DH has different expectations and a different sense of responsibility.
ETA: kind of confused... and wondering
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My ex fiance still pays my student loans or helps me out when I need it. I hate needing the help, post graduation, but I really appreciate that he offers and does it. We still care about each other and maybe it's not a struggle.
I was telling this to a guy who is divorced, and explained why he didn't mind paying alimony. He said that when you marry someone, you expect to provide for them and you care about their well-being. Just b/c things don't work out, doesn't mean you just stop caring about their well-being or your responsibilities. Sounds like... your DH has different expectations and a different sense of responsibility.
ETA: kind of confused... and wondering
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ThatJerseyGirl
Well-Known Member
WhoIAm
Well-Known Member
GeorginaSparks
Well-Known Member
ARE YOU A PHONE SEX OPERATOR?
