At what age should a man be established?

[CarmelCupcake]

So, I am dating a man who is 29. When I first started dating him, I was skeptical because he did not have a college degree. However, I gave it a shot because I figured that not everyone has to have a college degree to be successful. However, we have been dating for three years now and he is going on 30 years old, and is still not established. I plan to purse grad school and sometimes I just think that i don't want to be the main one supporting the family...i would like for him to be able to contribute as well. What do you all think about this? At what age do you think a man should be established by?

 

[snillohsss]

Degree's aside, at 29yrs, what does he do for a living? Just as you said, being established has nothing to do with a degree. Dude is almost 30yrs old. He should have, or be on the pathway of some sort of a career.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

I say 25. If he went to college after HS, he should have at least a bachelors by then. If he didn't go to college, he's had 7 years to learn a trade, or move up in a company. By 25 he should have a steady job and a clear, realistic plan for the future.

Some people might get off to a slow start or whatever, but I personally have never seen anyone come back and be successful after doing nothing in their 20s. So while I know it can happen, I wouldn't be willing to bet on it.

 

[CarmelCupcake]

He stated that he would like to have a production company and record people's music videos, but i think to myself that if that's what he wants to do, he needs to get on the grind and make the money so that he can start his company. Currently, he does odd jobs for people.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

He stated that he would like to have a production company and record people's music videos, but i think to myself that if that's what he wants to do, he needs to get on the grind and make the money so that he can start his company. Currently, he does odd jobs for people.

Yeah that wouldn't work for me. What's his plan?

 

[Ediese]

I completely refuse to date a man that's not somewhat established by the age of 30. If he's not actively pursuing school or starting/growing his business, Im not interested.

At that age, it's too late to accept these pipe dreams from men. You want to start your own business, but you don't know what type of business or haven't written a plan? No. Absolutely not. He has to have a tangible plan in place. Why the heck not? I can't afford to date a guy that doesn't bring anything to the table, and no plan to do so in the near future. I'm gonna do this and that gets old 5 years later when he's feeding you the same crap.

My sister met her husband about 12 years ago. He was still in school, and working as a security guard when they got married. They were both 28. Currently, his career is taking off and he's making a very high 6 figure salary. She knew his potential when they met.

 

[CarmelCupcake]

would i be wrong to choose not to be with him anymore?

 

[Ediese]

Yeah that wouldn't work for me. What's his plan?

Exactly. That's the question. It doesn't seem like he has a plan at all. Im sorry but if he can't sit down and work on a plan, and actually communicate that to me, I wouldn't waste my time.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Nope. Why waste your time? You're going to grad school and he's doing odd jobs here and there? Sounds like a no-brainer to me.

ETA: How old are you CC, if you don't mind sharing.

 

[CarmelCupcake]

If he wasn't such a good boyfriend, i would have left a long time ago! However, i guess i just have so many what ifs like, what if i leave him and he becomes rich, or what if i leave him and no one else will treat me as good as he did.

 

[Rapunzel*]

it seems like you are still skeptical after 3 years. you want someone to be able to compliment you, not you holding the family down with one stable income. either way if he wants to do some production hes going to still have to go to school. have you shared these concerns with him op?

 

[tatiana]

I would say 25. Men become set in their ways at that age.

Record people's music videos? If you live in New York, Atlanta, or LA I would say maybe but you do not.

Even music video directors go to school. Does he even own or know how to work a camera?

 

[arosieworld]

Before they get married or have children....He could be 100 and not be established and I wouldn't care if all he had to worry about was him... But this effects your future so I'd drop him....Though I will say a degree does not make someone stable or a provider....

 

[snillohsss]

He stated that he would like to have a production company and record people's music videos, but i think to myself that if that's what he wants to do, he needs to get on the grind and make the money so that he can start his company. Currently, he does odd jobs for people.

My only problem with this is that he hasn't started towards his goal yet. He should have already started the grind, and have a lot of contacts by now if this was truly his passion. If he hasn't started already, he probably won't.

If marriage is part of your life goals, and you say this guy is a good boyfriend, I would talk to him about it first. You should express to him what your thinking regarding his future. Perhaps he needs to hear it from you. Mentally, give him a timeframe (you don't have to tell him this part) where it should show that he is moving forward in his goals.

Doing odd jobs won't support a household because it isn't steady income.

 

[snillohsss]

If he wasn't such a good boyfriend, i would have left a long time ago! However, i guess i just have so many what ifs like, what if i leave him and he becomes rich, or what if i leave him and no one else will treat me as good as he did.

It sounds like you see potential in him. Is that the case? This is the main reason why so many chicks get left in the dust because they leave guys with potential.

Lets just say that I am glad I stuck around with my husband when he was grinding.

 

[Rapunzel*]

it seems like you are still skeptical after 3 years. you want someone to be able to compliment you, not you holding the family down with one stable income. either way if he wants to do some production hes going to still have to go to school. have you shared these concerns with him op?

i would say 25

 

[NaturalPath]

I would say 25, he should be done with undergrad &have a job & saving money.

And I would also say by 28-30 if a man is not only pursuing an undergraduates education, but also a masters and possibly doctorate/phd.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

It sounds like you see potential in him. Is that the case? This is the main reason why so many chicks get left in the dust because they leave guys with potential.

Lets just say that I am glad I stuck around with my husband when he was grinding.

I'm all for sticking with a man who is working hard, but it doesn't sound like this is the case with OPs man. I don't see how doing odd jobs is gonna make him rich. erplexed

 

[CarmelCupcake]

Right, I do think he should have a steady plan in place...i just think he needs to start making some money, or something. Sometimes i think like, if i were to have a baby tomorrow, i would be the one supporting the family.

 

[ThickHair]

She knew his potential when they met.

Folks are always in love with potential. In your sister's case it worked out, in many cases it doesn't.

If he wasn't such a good boyfriend, i would have left a long time ago! However, i guess i just have so many what ifs like, what if i leave him and he becomes rich, or what if i leave him and no one else will treat me as good as he did.

Wonder if you leave him and he is still the same? Wonder if you stay and he is the same? Wonder if you leave him and find someone who treats you better? Wonder if you stay and he still treats you exactly the same? You are going to grow and their is a possiblity that he will or he won't? Do you still want him to be flowing on some old 2010 mess? Here you are up and established and it is 2015? Old 2011 bf is not going to cut it.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Right, I do think he should have a steady plan in place...i just think he needs to start making some money, or something. Sometimes i think like, if i were to have a baby tomorrow, i would be the one supporting the family.

You would. And you'd be stressed the heck out too.

 

[ThickHair]

Right, I do think he should have a steady plan in place...i just think he needs to start making some money, or something. Sometimes i think like, if i were to have a baby tomorrow, i would be the one supporting the family.

Please do not tell me you are thinking of financing his "Hoop Dream". No man who is taking care of business would want to accept money from their GF. Yeah, he might take it, but it won't be the same as him earning it.

Ex: We don't appreciate what is given to us as much as we appreciate what we have earned.

 

[CarmelCupcake]

I have sat down and tried to discuss his plans with him, but he becomes upset and says that i should have faith in him.

 

[starfish]

"Potential" has a shelf life.

He's not trying harder because he has you to take of him, and you are not his mother.

Hard work brings success, not daydreaming.

 

[Ediese]

Folks are always in love with potential. In your sister's case it worked out, in many cases it doesn't.


Wonder if you leave him and he is still the same? Wonder if you stay and he is the same? Wonder if you leave him and find someone who treats you better? Wonder if you stay and he still treats you exactly the same? You are going to grow and their is a possiblity that he will or he won't? Do you still want him to be flowing on some old 2010 mess? Here you are up and established and it is 2015? Old 2011 bf is not going to cut it.

I see what you're saying. I think the difference though is that he wasn't just sitting at home playing video games all day talking about 'Im going to own my own company one day'. My BIL was actively working on achieving his goals. That's the only time I take these 'potential' having men seriously.

 

[summer]

Nothing wrong with being with a man with potential but you have been together for three years and what has he done to show that he is meeting that potential at all? And will you be able to reach YOUR full potential if you somehow wind up financially supporting him?

Sometimes two unequally yoked people can end up with a co-dependent relationship that doesn't serve either of them well.

Either way, if you think hard you probably already know what you want to do.

 

[Britt]

Didn't read the thread yet, but I think at 30, a man should have it together. At the very least, his own place, maybe a car, a stable job. I'm not talking about men who have roomies b/c they are in grad school, or men who have to take care of their parents, or whatever other situation. I mean generally speaking, by 30 I expect more from a man than I would a 25 yr old.

 

[*SkolarStar*]

I agree with the rest of the posters in that at 30 (generally speaking) a man should be established whether he has a degree or not. I also love starfish's quote: "Potential" has a shelf life.
At 30 it really does, especially when you're looking to settle down with someone. Determine how long that shelf life is and stick to it. Don't let him make excuses and don't make any for him.

OP, how long has he had the goal of being a music video producer? If it has been for all three years that the two of you have been together, look at his progress. That will somewhat determine whether you'll miss out on anything if you leave.

Also, you mentioned talking to him but he just becomes upset. Oh the fk well. He's upset because he knows that if he doesn't get it together, you'll leave him. And you have every right to do so. Keep bringing up the topic in different ways. Something as simple as "baby, how's your day?" can determine how hard he's working.

But it sounds like you know what you deserve and that you know what you need to do. It's ok to have fears of 'what ifs', but this is about YOUR well being in the long run.

 

[snillohsss]

I have sat down and tried to discuss his plans with him, but he becomes upset and says that i should have faith in him.

I would walk. He is too old to be saying this mess. If he were 21yrs, maybe, but not at almost 30yrs.

 

[snillohsss]

I'm all for sticking with a man who is working hard, but it doesn't sound like this is the case with OPs man. I don't see how doing odd jobs is gonna make him rich. erplexed

Um reference my post below. (I wrote this before you posted) Pay close attention to the part that is red and in bold text. Thanks.

My only problem with this is that he hasn't started towards his goal yet. He should have already started the grind, and have a lot of contacts by now if this was truly his passion. If he hasn't started already, he probably won't.

If marriage is part of your life goals, and you say this guy is a good boyfriend, I would talk to him about it first. You should express to him what your thinking regarding his future. Perhaps he needs to hear it from you. Mentally, give him a timeframe (you don't have to tell him this part) where it should show that he is moving forward in his goals.

Doing odd jobs won't support a household because it isn't steady income.