At what age should a man be established?

[CarmelCupcake]

Sniloh, you mentioned that you were glad that you stayed with your husband when he was grinding. Do you mind me asking what he was doing when he was grinding and what he is doing now?

 

[Lady Esquire]

Are you two talking marriage down the line soon? I find some men need more time and don't have the same "urgency," until they're confronted with their state of "lack". There are schools offering programs on music and sound engineering, and film school, or he can start to purchase equipment and self-teach. Or he can become a production assistant, while doing some other related things to earn income and gain experience.

The point that I am making is similar to the "potential has a shelf life" comment. You are growing into the stage of thinking of your future, with kids, finances, etc. If you're working on yourself, don't feel guilty if you're outgrowing him in that department. You would not be wrong if you threw him the deuces. Earning potential and security is a bigger issue than most of us give it credit for. We hope that "love" will make up for it. But obviously your gut is telling you otherwise.

I think you have to accept him for what he is showing you, not telling you. The "what-if's" are useless and distracting you from "what is".
Your definition of what a good boyfriend is not being fully met, and you're afraid to act on it. Decide how much time you're willing to invest on his "potential". But remember true potential is always in motion.

 

[phynestone]

The thing about potential is that it is just that. Potential. What if an individual never lives up to it? Would you be satisfied with who they are and what they've accomplished at that point? Something to think about.

My parents are educated immigrants who came to this country in search of a better life. My mother worked multiple jobs while being in school and no, we did not have the luxury of having extended family around us for support. If the members of my family can work multiple jobs while trying to achieve our goals, so can this dude. I don't feel sorry for folks who don't have a plan, don't work a plan but complain about how they aren't happy with their lives and their careers. You make it happen.

The fact that homeboy is getting upset when you ask him about his plans is a huge red flag. I say walk away. It's been three years and you can find someone better. Love does not pay the bills.

 

[snillohsss]

Sniloh, you mentioned that you were glad that you stayed with your husband when he was grinding. Do you mind me asking what he was doing when he was grinding and what he is doing now?

Right out of high school he got a factory job. That is what he had when we met. He didn't go to college, and that is what he was doing when working towards his goal. I don't wanna mention what he does (much too personal for my taste), but his goal has been achieved, and his income is very very high.

 

[Lady Esquire]

DH was sitting by when I was reading through the thread. Here's a man's perspective: you need to truly believe in what he's trying to do. If you trust him to deliver on his dream and promise, stick around. But if you smell smoke, then there's a fire. If you're already doubting him and his pipe dream, then what is there left to build on? You have to share in his vision. Every man wishes he had a ride or die chick. But ask yourself, is his dream worth dying for, especially since he's not even willing to ride to it?

 

[CarmelCupcake]

Oh ok Snilloh, thank you.

 

[Britt]

The word 'potential' really grates my nerves when it comes to dating and men. I agree that potential does have a shelf life also.
Recently my mom sent me a text msg:
Mom: Britt, I see a good looking guy for you, I'm at the bank right now.
Me: Oh ok, I hope he's not a teller
Mom: LOL, yes he is, but he's 30 and umarried and looks nice, you never know- he may have potential.
Me: Oh, you mean potential to go from making $12.50/hr to $17.50/hr in a few years, not interested

I just don't see myself at this stage in my life w/ a damn bank teller, sorry mom. Especially a 30 year old bank teller. Yes, we are in a recession and people gotta grind, but I'm not with that right now, I've already had my share of immense financial struggling w/men. I need someone that has their own place, can pay their bills on time, and we can go out from time to time or afford to take a vacation together. He don't have to be balling, but I'm not going to be taking on the financial brunt of the relationship, and also some men become lightweight resentful when you make much more than them or they could be totally useless and look to you for everything... In any event, I'm interested in NEITHER

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Um reference my post below. (I wrote this before you posted) Pay close attention to the part that is red and in bold text. Thanks.

Sorry I don't have time to read every word you type

 

[CarmelCupcake]

Anyone ever dated someone who was almost 30, who just happened to get established a few years after 30?

 

[lushcoils]

My brother had a slow start, dropped out of college after 5 years, and lived off parents doing nothing for awhile. But he was able to fix his life, get his bachelor's, almost got his master's now, got a career started, has his own place, car, and he just turned 30 last week. So, I'm going to say 30 at the latest, but that's being nice.

 

[MuseofTroy]

You stayed three years longer than you should have. This man is almost 30 years old and doesn’t have some kind of path he is pursuing? I think if someone doesn’t have a college degree it is even more imperative that they have an action plan for their life. It’s difficult in this economy to get anywhere without a degree. If he was pursuing a worthy trade then he would actually be doing extremely well by now. OP you seem to know in your gut that this is not a good match. If you have a certain standard of living in mind then you need to carefully evaluate your partner choices. If this man gets you pregnant it is a done deal. You will be stuck with an underemployed individual struggling, less you are independently wealthy. Nevertheless stop ignoring red flags. 2011 starts tomorrow. Don’t bring old junk into the New Year. I think you should give yourself some “space” while he figures out his life plan. There is nothing more unattractive than a man without some purpose in his life.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

*lights up a newport one hunnit for dis po chile*

how did i miss dis press release...*sighs*

ok. lemme git dis hea straight so i'm unda standin right. u met him, thought he was cute n figa'd u give it a shot, thinkin he MIGHT have potential. u have a college degree n he don't. 3 years done went by and he still tryna git ready to git ready.

u sit down n discuss wif him how u feel, and ole boy hits u wif da "i have a dream puleez have faith in me speech" cuz he wants to some day have a production company and "record peoples music videos". meanwhile, back at da ranch, he does "odd jobs". erplexed

first of all...say this outloud yall, but slow. "record peoples music videos" <<<< dat shyt right der makes no dayum sense to me at all and i been drinkin since early dis mawnin...

*puffs n plucks ash*

chile, lemme tell u sumfin and i know u mean well, but ur gonna hafta cut his slow azzz loose. hell...u messin wif a guy that do odd jobs and not have a real job while u go out here to work erry day with a college degree. that's settling and at da same time almost insulting....but not really cuz u made da choice to "keep hope alive" by dealing wif him so.....

neva settle for something dat u think MIGHT have potential when he doesn't even have a plan. eitha have a plan or plan to fail. meanwhile, he outside cuttin somebody's grass n shyt on his odd job tawkin bout some ..."i wanna record peoples music videos"....gtf outta hea...

*puffs n plucks ash*

he must be slingin some good azzz dyck (yea, i know..but dat good stuff will gitchu caught up in da trick bag..have u doin dumb shyt) cuz ain't no way in da hell he would have me sittin round n da promise land tawkin bout some imma bout to blow up and "record peoples music videos"....

chile puleez...if u know like i know...betta leave dat bama alone n stop playin witcha self...neva compromise urself for nobody. all dis hea investin time in a man who u think is gonna one day be successful ain't worth it.

it ain't worth YOUR time. and puleez don't mess round n git pregnant...whose gonna foot da bill for diapers, milk, etc. do u know how much grass he gotta cut n trash he gotta take out....yeah, dem "odd jobs"

let it go. 2011 will be here in a few minutes...let it go n start doin YOU.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

I thought it was 30 for both men and women.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Let me put it to you this way, OP and any lurkers in a similar situation. Would a man be cutting you all this slack about "potential" if you were:

-100lbs + overweight
-bad teeth
-impatient with children
-can't cook worth a darn
-poor money manager
-looking sloppy?

Just cause you were overall nice and supportive? Sure, you have the POTENTIAL to lose weight, get your teeth fixed, start meditating, pick up a cookbook and start trying in the kitchen, get a Dave Ramsey book and start saving, start ironing your clothes and combing your hair.

Think he'd stick around for 3+ years waiting for you to do all of that?

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?

 

[MuseofTroy]

*lights up a newport one hunnit for dis po chile*

how did i miss dis press release...*sighs*

ok. lemme git dis hea straight so i'm unda standin right. u met him, thought he was cute n figa'd u give it a shot, thinkin he MIGHT have potential. u have a college degree n he don't. 3 years done went by and he still tryna git ready to git ready.

u sit down n discuss wif him how u feel, and ole boy hits u wif da "i have a dream puleez have faith in me speech" cuz he wants to some day have a production company and "record peoples music videos". meanwhile, back at da ranch, he does "odd jobs". erplexed

first of all...say this outloud yall, but slow. "record peoples music videos" <<<< dat shyt right der makes no dayum sense to me at all and i been drinkin since early dis mawnin...

*puffs n plucks ash*

chile, lemme tell u sumfin and i know u mean well, but ur gonna hafta cut his slow azzz loose. hell...u messin wif a guy that do odd jobs and not have a real job while u go out here to work erry day with a college degree. that's settling and at da same time almost insulting....but not really cuz u made da choice to "keep hope alive" by dealing wif him so.....

neva settle for something dat u think MIGHT have potential when he doesn't even have a plan. eitha have a plan or plan to fail. meanwhile, he outside cuttin somebody's grass n shyt on his odd job tawkin bout some ..."i wanna record peoples music videos"....gtf outta hea...

*puffs n plucks ash*

he must be slingin some good azzz dyck (yea, i know..but dat good stuff will gitchu caught up in da trick bag..have u doin dumb shyt) cuz ain't no way in da hell he would have me sittin round n da promise land tawkin bout some imma bout to blow up and "record peoples music videos"....

chile puleez...if u know like i know...betta leave dat bama alone n stop playin witcha self...neva compromise urself for nobody. all dis hea investin time in a man who u think is gonna one day be successful ain't worth it.

it ain't worth YOUR time. and puleez don't mess round n git pregnant...whose gonna foot da bill for diapers, milk, etc. do u know how much grass he gotta cut n trash he gotta take out....yeah, dem "odd jobs"

let it go. 2011 will be here in a few minutes...let it go n start doin YOU.

LMAO X 100000000000000000

 

[MuseofTroy]

Let me put it to you this way, OP and any lurkers in a similar situation. Would a man be cutting you all this slack about "potential" if you were:

-100lbs + overweight
-bad teeth
-impatient with children
-can't cook worth a darn
-poor money manager
-looking sloppy?

Just cause you were overall nice and supportive? Sure, you have the POTENTIAL to lose weight, get your teeth fixed, start meditating, pick up a cookbook and start trying in the kitchen, get a Dave Ramsey book and start saving, start ironing your clothes and combing your hair.

Think he'd stick around for 3+ years waiting for you to do all of that?

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?

THANK YOU. Sometimes women can take cues from men when it comes to dating standards. Men hardly make concessions about what they want. In fact a lot of guys try to date up these days. I'm ruthless in my dating life. I don't settle. I left a date a few weeks ago because a guy didn't open the door for me. He went in first and I just turned right back around and drove off in my care. That right there told me he was inconsiderate and didn't have the "basics" down.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

^^^ Did he try calling you after that to figure out what happened?

 

[CarmelCupcake]

To be fair to my bf, let me add in the fact that when i first met him, he was a meter reader for the light company. He did this for two years, until he injured himself on the job and had to have surgery on his back. Seven months after the surgery, he stated that he does not want to work for anyone else again and wants to have his own business having a production company for local, detroit, artists. However, he is going to need the money to start this type of business, which i am not to fond of, but whatever. I guess sometimes i just get annoyed because im trying to go to grad school and better myself. I just feel that i took a chance, because i saw potential--maybe a chance that i should not have taken. Is love worth settling? And is love worth being the main one bringing home the bacon?

 

[MuseofTroy]

To be fair to my bf, let me add in the fact that when i first met him, he was a meter reader for the light company. He did this for two years, until he injured himself on the job and had to have surgery on his back. Seven months after the surgery, he stated that he does not want to work for anyone else again and wants to have his own business having a production company for local, detroit, artists. However, he is going to need the money to start this type of business, which i am not to fond of, but whatever. I guess sometimes i just get annoyed because im trying to go to grad school and better myself. I just feel that i took a chance, because i saw potential--maybe a chance that i should not have taken. Is love worth settling? And is love worth being the main one bringing home the bacon?

My opinion is unchanged. There are plenty of people who get hurt at the job but they still have focus and direction. But it's your life. You are going to do what you want at the end of the day. I wish you the best. Perhaps you should sit down and talk to your boyfriend about some of your concerns.

 

[aribell]

To me it's not a specific age so much as a trajectory and being solidly on the path to becoming established. I briefly dated a man who was 38 who fled to the US and had to start over from scratch here. So he was still in school and was stable, but much older than most people in his situation. But that was an extenuating circumstance, and he wasn't just talking about what he hoped to do someday, he was actively on the path. Stuff happens sometimes, and people might take longer to learn their lessons, so I try to be understanding of that. But still, being on the path is imperative, and having his own self-initiative is equally important (meaning I will not be the one nagging him and telling him what he needs to get done.)

 

[luckiestdestiny]

It sounds like you see potential in him. Is that the case? This is the main reason why so many chicks get left in the dust because they leave guys with potential.

Lets just say that I am glad I stuck around with my husband when he was grinding.

I agree...IF he's grinding. It doesn't seem like he's doing that now. It seems like he has a bunch of pipe dreams...but I was LMAO at your "get left in the dust because "one of my fiance's exs was out when he left finance (he was working on wallstreet and turned down a huge promotion to go back to school). Well not that she was out as much as he left her because she was constantly bi$#hing and saying he was making a mistake and that she could do better. He had a good bit stashed and invested from finance(and could live well off the interest but she had no idea as he didn't mention it because he was on to her. My fiance doesn't mind a woman wanting a guy to have his ish together, but does mind if that's all she requires and doesn't love him for instance. He's always leaning over me laughing in threads when someone says that women are gold diggers for wanting a guy to be successful. He thinks nothing is wrong with that, but that you should also love the guy too, because he believes in being a provider. And he had enough to provide for her, if he chose, just from his investments but because of her attitude he wasn't interested in marrying her either.).

He told her he wanted to go into medicine (which would mean he'd have to go back to grad school for biology and then on to medical school). She thought he was an idiot.


Now that she's heard through the grapevine he's a doctor she asked him if he wanted to be friends and go out to celebrate our engagment (she looked on facebook). Uhm yeah....without inviting me or her fiance...riiiiiight. He asked her to include me and her fiance but she had all kinda excuses as to why they should catch up alone and be friends...ha! He turned her down. From what I hear she was always a social climber and wanted to marry him until he left finance (when she thought her dreams of living in The Hamptoms were under seige), then after they broke up she went looking elsewhere (and of course came back when she found out he was thriving as her future SO isn't doing so well financially).

And I'm all for a woman wanting a guy with his ish together but in this case she didn't love him, and wasn't supportive of his dreams.
I'd have his back as long as he has ambition. It's not like he said he was quitting to sit on the couch and smoke weed. Friends of his told us that she showed up at a ball (a social ball for the medical community) looking for him after he turned her down, all dressed up and asking where he was (she's friends with a mutual doctor acquaintance of his and I guess she told her about the ball and that he would more than likely show up AND that I had other plans. Little did she know he decided not to go because I couldn't).

 

[CarmelCupcake]

Wow Luckiest Destiney, that's crazy...why would she not want to be with him if he were going back to school...that's crazy, especially since your fiance was going back to school for medecine...yea, she must have had a couple of screws loose! Thanks for sharing your story!

 

[luckiestdestiny]

To be fair to my bf, let me add in the fact that when i first met him, he was a meter reader for the light company. He did this for two years, until he injured himself on the job and had to have surgery on his back. Seven months after the surgery, he stated that he does not want to work for anyone else again and wants to have his own business having a production company for local, detroit, artists. However, he is going to need the money to start this type of business, which i am not to fond of, but whatever. I guess sometimes i just get annoyed because im trying to go to grad school and better myself. I just feel that i took a chance, because i saw potential--maybe a chance that i should not have taken. Is love worth settling? And is love worth being the main one bringing home the bacon?

Don't settle. You have a right to want what you want. I would bring it up to him though that you're concerned with where he's heading: does he have a plan? Does he need help in formulating one?

See if it's all talk or if he's ready to put it into action. See if he has ambition or is full of smoke. I like ambitious men and I won't hide that. There's nothing wrong with making sure that he can provide as a partner in love. The love is there, but you don't want to end up resenting him later.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Wow Luckiest Destiney, that's crazy...why would she not want to be with him if he were going back to school...that's crazy, especially since your fiance was going back to school for medecine...yea, she must have had a couple of screws loose! Thanks for sharing your story!

lol!

I guess because she thought he has a sure thing with finance, why go back? She was all about dollars and he was about helping to heal others. She thought that's a waste of his time because in finance he could make 7 figures per year way faster than in medicine. AND she was like he'll have to go back to grad school, do a mc cat, get into medical school, etc...

You'd think she'd believe in his abilities as his grades were always stellar but she was all about the sure thing. She didn't want to look at potential and drive. If you've met my fiance you'd know that when he sets his mind to something he'll do it. BUT she wanted what she wanted now! And did not want to sacrifice.

 

[lushcoils]

To be fair to my bf, let me add in the fact that when i first met him, he was a meter reader for the light company. He did this for two years, until he injured himself on the job and had to have surgery on his back. Seven months after the surgery, he stated that he does not want to work for anyone else again and wants to have his own business having a production company for local, detroit, artists. However, he is going to need the money to start this type of business, which i am not to fond of, but whatever. I guess sometimes i just get annoyed because im trying to go to grad school and better myself. I just feel that i took a chance, because i saw potential--maybe a chance that i should not have taken. Is love worth settling? And is love worth being the main one bringing home the bacon?

ThatJerseyGirl bout to come and drop some knowledge again.

Girl, why are you putting yourself through this? You don't think you can do better?

 

[CarmelCupcake]

well, its the fact that he is a good man, despite his lack of funds. I guess im scared that if i leave him, i might find someone who measures up financially, but not mentally, as far as being as sweet and caring. But i guess i would just have to take the risk

 

[hopeful]

The fact that he doesn't have a plan and isn't willing to discuss it with you is troubling. I find unambitious (is that a word?) men unattractive. Perhaps you let his "potential" cloud your vision. Lots of women settle but it only works if the woman really accepts him for who is. Most women convince themselves that he will change. Most men rarely change in this area, from what I've seen. Three years is a lot of time. But don't see it as a loss: you have been loved and treated well for the last three years--that is wonderful!

 

[TayMac]

Ask yourself if you are ok with him as he is now if his dream never comes to fruition. He should have a stable job to fund his dream...he is not doing himself any favors by staying out of the workforce.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

well, its the fact that he is a good man, despite his lack of funds. I guess im scared that if i leave him, i might find someone who measures up financially, but not mentally, as far as being as sweet and caring. But i guess i would just have to take the risk

Been on da job two years and broke his back? Now he tawkin bout some he don't wanna work for nobody......chile puleez. He's a liability and pretty soon if you don't dummy up now, he is going to resent you for having goals, a career, income, etc. You don't believe me, stick around.

Ain't no man good when he broke AND broke down wit a broken back. Stop worrying about finding a good man and focus on finishing Your education. All of that finding a good man will come in due time

Your too young to be nursing his wounded azzzz and fragile ego wit his "I got a dream speech".

Stop making excuses for him and take care of you because if you don't then you will lose yoursel in the relationship, next thing you know he'll be sitting around the house with arthritis in his back tawkin bout some he don't feel likecuttin no grass or shoveling snow on his odd job cuz his back hurt. Chile puleez.

Say, since he was hurt on the job, do workman's comp/disability k.ow he working these odd jobs, cuz u know they be outside watchin, taking pictures n shut. Next thing u know he being called in, sittin in a room watchin himself up on da screen tawkin bout some I was tryna make some money so I can start recordin peoples music videos.

Tellin u some good shyt.

 

[Bun Mistress]

would i be wrong to choose not to be with him anymore?

I haven't even finished reading hte thread yet, but yes. I'm sorry, there is a very rare changce that this is going to work out. For several reasons.
1. He seems not to have direction in life. He wants to do something but with no plan and he isn't working torwards it, that want just becomes a dream.

2. You are not equal at this point and are lowering your standards. Period. I'm not talking about being "equally yoked" or whatever people call it. You're not on the same page. I don't htink people need to have a college education starting out per se if they are working torwards something, sucessfull, and have a well paying career (not job, CAREER) they are satisfied in. However, this guy is floundering around and if you don't watch it will be an anchor on the end of your skirt and worse yet, your pocket book one day.

3. I'm sorry, have to say this, a man that is about to be thirty shouldn't be doing odd jobs. CC don't walk, RUN away from this guy.