2018 Relationship And Dating Thread

rafikichick92 said:
Yup, almost 2 weeks ago! We waited til September in name only, lol. I’m waiting til we get pics back to do a thread. We asked for no cellphone photography during the ceremony, so there are NO photos to be had, except of the reception, and I did a dress change, so no photos of the actual wedding dress or anything right now.
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Wonderful!! Congratulations!! I'm so happy for you! And cheers to another marriage founded on OkCupid! :cheers:

Can't wait for the thread!!
 
Do you believe that one of the many purpose of having a partner is to help make you a better person? If so, how? By giving advice? By listening? By pushing/encouraging you to do xyz? I believe that another aspect of making someone a better person is being the catalyst that reveals a shortcoming and then allowing the person to address them on their own. It could be a boundary related issue but it's also a sign of respecting another person's journey IMO.

SO has a habit of wanting to 'fix' (my word) my faults or issues. I have a short temper, I get upset quickly and stay upset for a long time but also when I'm happy, I'm a little extra, I like to call myself passionate :) He wants to help me be more 'at peace' in my life. While I agree with his assessment, I don't think it's his job to help me get over stuff or help me be a calmer person! I'd rather work on my character shortcomings without his help. I believe he needs to broaden his understanding of what partnership means, because helping me be more at peace ain't it. Also, I've been operating like this for decades, what makes him think he can come into my life and 'save' me? To him, what's the purpose of being in my life if not to push me to become better? He says I don't listen to him or take his advice. Well, DUH, If I'm in the middle of an upset, I'm not trying to hear anyone DUH!

I don't want him to see how deep my ugly goes, out of fear that if he sees, he would chose to not deal with them/me, I'm also stubborn in that I want to work on myself on my own terms because I chose to, not because HE wants me to (even if I agree out of pure defiance) and the last reason is well....I want to appear 'perfect' or as close to it as I can (another issue I have). I'd rather go to a shrink of confide in other close friends. Is that abnormal?

[end vent] but feel free to comment :)
 
Fine 4s said:
Do you believe that one of the many purpose of having a partner is to help make you a better person? If so, how? By giving advice? By listening? By pushing/encouraging you to do xyz? I believe that another aspect of making someone a better person is being the catalyst that reveals a shortcoming and then allowing the person to address them on their own. It could be a boundary related issue but it's also a sign of respecting another person's journey IMO.

SO has a habit of wanting to 'fix' (my word) my faults or issues. I have a short temper, I get upset quickly and stay upset for a long time but also when I'm happy, I'm a little extra, I like to call myself passionate :) He wants to help me be more 'at peace' in my life. While I agree with his assessment, I don't think it's his job to help me get over stuff or help me be a calmer person! I'd rather work on my character shortcomings without his help. I believe he needs to broaden his understanding of what partnership means, because helping me be more at peace ain't it. Also, I've been operating like this for decades, what makes him think he can come into my life and 'save' me? To him, what's the purpose of being in my life if not to push me to become better? He says I don't listen to him or take his advice. Well, DUH, If I'm in the middle of an upset, I'm not trying to hear anyone DUH!

I don't want him to see how deep my ugly goes, out of fear that if he sees, he would chose to not deal with them/me, I'm also stubborn in that I want to work on myself on my own terms because I chose to, not because HE wants me to (even if I agree out of pure defiance) and the last reason is well....I want to appear 'perfect' or as close to it as I can (another issue I have). I'd rather go to a shrink of confide in other close friends. Is that abnormal?

[end vent] but feel free to comment :)
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sounds familiar. The only thing I can say is, its up to you to change if you want to change. If you agree on some of the things you both have noticed, then maybe an outside person who's sees you for who you are and wants the best for you, is a good thing?

If you want to work on yourself on your own terms,.... are you trying or are you waiting? If youre waiting.......why?
 
I’m trying but I’m not really seeing results yet. But it also hasn’t been that long since I started doing self work consistently. Did a little meditation last night...

It just doesn’t feel good or safe to work on personal growth with the person that I’m intimate with. It’s not sexy and I’m too exposed. I appreciate his desire to want to help but I also think it can backfire and he doesn’t even see it...
 
Fine 4s said:
I’m trying but I’m not really seeing results yet. But it also hasn’t been that long since I started doing self work consistently. Did a little meditation last night...

It just doesn’t feel good or safe to work on personal growth with the person that I’m intimate with. It’s not sexy and I’m too exposed. I appreciate his desire to want to help but I also think it can backfire and he doesn’t even see it...
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If the goal of your relationship is a long term partnership or marriage, you’re probably going to be exposed. He will see you at your most vulnerable moments and you will depend on him even when you don’t want to. It sounds like he wants both of you to put in the work to accomplish something.

Your wording of “too exposed” and “it’s not sexy” indicate to me that you’re not ready for that yet. And that’s fine if you’re just dating for fun.

To be honest I personally have no interest in dating someone that’s not actively working on themselves. I’m no ones Mother or caretaker. Maybe he’s saying he hears the words you’re saying but your actions aren’t backing it up.
 
Fine 4s said:
I’m trying but I’m not really seeing results yet. But it also hasn’t been that long since I started doing self work consistently. Did a little meditation last night...

It just doesn’t feel good or safe to work on personal growth with the person that I’m intimate with. It’s not sexy and I’m too exposed. I appreciate his desire to want to help but I also think it can backfire and he doesn’t even see it...
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I completely understand where you are coming from. I think he is overstepping his boundaries with you. Pointing something out that bothers him is one thing, but helping you fix it and giving unasked for advice is a bit much IMO. I would be annoyed too. And I certainly wouldn’t share my deepest darkest secrets with him. You can be open and authentic and grow together bit by bit.
 
Fine 4s said:
Do you believe that one of the many purpose of having a partner is to help make you a better person? If so, how? By giving advice? By listening? By pushing/encouraging you to do xyz? I believe that another aspect of making someone a better person is being the catalyst that reveals a shortcoming and then allowing the person to address them on their own. It could be a boundary related issue but it's also a sign of respecting another person's journey IMO.

SO has a habit of wanting to 'fix' (my word) my faults or issues. I have a short temper, I get upset quickly and stay upset for a long time but also when I'm happy, I'm a little extra, I like to call myself passionate :) He wants to help me be more 'at peace' in my life. While I agree with his assessment, I don't think it's his job to help me get over stuff or help me be a calmer person! I'd rather work on my character shortcomings without his help. I believe he needs to broaden his understanding of what partnership means, because helping me be more at peace ain't it. Also, I've been operating like this for decades, what makes him think he can come into my life and 'save' me? To him, what's the purpose of being in my life if not to push me to become better? He says I don't listen to him or take his advice. Well, DUH, If I'm in the middle of an upset, I'm not trying to hear anyone DUH!

I don't want him to see how deep my ugly goes, out of fear that if he sees, he would chose to not deal with them/me, I'm also stubborn in that I want to work on myself on my own terms because I chose to, not because HE wants me to (even if I agree out of pure defiance) and the last reason is well....I want to appear 'perfect' or as close to it as I can (another issue I have). I'd rather go to a shrink of confide in other close friends. Is that abnormal?

[end vent] but feel free to comment :)
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I've been in this situation. And I know everyone is not my ex, but now I'm leery of those who want to "help" you. That's on YOU to help yourself. Your man/husband is not your garbage can to dump all your problems on because they are only human...they can't HANDLE this.

NEVER expose yourself all the way. ALWAYS maintain your reputation which is the one of the Laws of Power. He wants to expose you so he will know every detail about you. But I BET he won't tell you everything about him. He will hide, lie, deflect, and not divulge his deep darkest secrets. He's human so IT WILL be used to hurt you in the long run.

As far as he knows....you're AWESOME. You've always been AWESOME. You are surrounded by people who loved you. Your daddy, brothers, uncles, and exes really loved you too. It just didn't work out with exes. No bad blood. Everyone still wants to be back with you. You are ALWAYS the one that got away.

If you DO work on these things with him, in the future he will want to feel like he has a pass. I mean he did "save" you from all your shortcomings. (You don't have shortcomings) They spin it like....And everyone else left you probably because of your temper, stubborness, and etc. At least he wanted to stick around after all that. He's special. He accepted you. Why can't you accept his bs? <<--- DO NOT ALLOW THIS

If you DO expose yourself in the future he will say things to make you question yourself. Why did you have all these people in your life you had to get angry with? OR Why do you have such a bad temper....is it because your daddy never loved you or you had too many bad relationship or xyz? They will project.
He NEVER needs to know how deep your ugly goes.

You're freaking awesome. Never forget it. You also have to be an actor in relationships. Guard your reputation with your LIFE. You're friggin awesome.
 
Fine 4s said:
I’m trying but I’m not really seeing results yet. But it also hasn’t been that long since I started doing self work consistently. Did a little meditation last night...

It just doesn’t feel good or safe to work on personal growth with the person that I’m intimate with. It’s not sexy and I’m too exposed. I appreciate his desire to want to help but I also think it can backfire and he doesn’t even see it...
Click to expand...
Yeah I see what you mean. When I met SO I had been actively working on myself for the past 2 years. One of the most attractive things about SO is that he’s actively working on himself and as we dated we confided in each other about the things we’re working on. But we’re doing it separately. We even talked about how we have our individual journeys and then our journey together.
 
@PrissiSippi

This post made me giggle.

I'm leaning towards this approach. In fact, maybe I'll give him a little to let him THINK he's helping but really the deep work I'll keep to myself or share with a close friend or shrink. In his defense he never explained HOW he wanted to help so it could be as simple as when I get upset about something in my life, he can gently remind me of the bigger picture or whatever....

Again, this post was awesome...you laid out the whole movie LOL
 
Hey Ms. @hopeful I thought about you and the topic of boundaries. It can be confusing distinguishing between helping someone you care about vs. being intrusive? How do you know when you're crossing someone's personal boundaries without the person telling you to stop? I'm thinking from his perspective and also thinking about my friendship with someone else where I may have over stepped my boundaries as well. It seems like that line could be very very faint. What's the test?
Hope al is well with you and yours!
 
Fine 4s said:
@PrissiSippi

This post made me giggle.

I'm leaning towards this approach. In fact, maybe I'll give him a little to let him THINK he's helping but really the deep work I'll keep to myself or share with a close friend or shrink. In his defense he never explained HOW he wanted to help so it could be as simple as when I get upset about something in my life, he can gently remind me of the bigger picture or whatever....

Again, this post was awesome...you laid out the whole movie LOL
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Lol I hope I didn’t get too passionate. And like I said it’s not a one size fits all but ooh wee. I’ve been there. My ex husband wanted to “help me through” some of my problems. But then with all my insecurities he knew exactly how to hurt me, manipulate, and try to break me down. I’ll never do that again. My problems are for girlfriends, therapist, and God. Everyone else....my boundaries are on lock. My life was perfect before you. Perfect after you. :lachen:Lol.
 
@PrissiSippi
I have a shove-it-in-your-face story from an ex....
Two people owed me money including him but he was paying me back consistently. He stopped when he lost work and when he started new work hadn't started the payments again. When I asked him about it....why this man tell me that the way I was asking him for the money wasn't an effective method and added "just ask Derrick" Derrick is the other person that owes me money but that I was having a very hard time collecting from. That ish hurt SO bad. It was also a gift because I finally decided that I never ever want him in my life again and even willing to walk away from the balance owed....it hurt but it was also a revelation of how much of a donkey he really is.
So yes, I know how people can use your personal info against you....
 
I'm starting to feel like the dysfunctional side of my family is going to ruin my relationship with my SO. They are needy and full of drama and it brings my mood down. Lately I feel like I've been sharing too much of my family drama with my SO and while he's kind, patient, and understanding of it all-- I worry that he might be concerned about their influence in our future life together.

Without going into too much detail, my main issue is with my mother. She relies too much on me and there are no boundaries. It has to stop.

I made a comment about this type of thing in another thread. This is just one of many issues facing women (esp black women) who try to level up. When you have some dysfunction in your family and your SO comes from a stable household, it's hard to balance being connected to your family while still keeping enough distance to not let their dysfunction wreck your new, peaceful existence. I can almost understand how Meghan Markle feels :lol:. I saw a similar type of situation play out with a former friend of mine and I don't want to repeat it. She came from a dysfunctional background and was "rescued" by a good man from a good home. Within a few years she let her toxic family completely destroy her marriage. She also wrecked her relationship with her in-laws who were so good to her. It was a mess to witness.

My life with my SO is so peaceful and stable but I feel like I'm still dealing with childhood wounds that threaten to rip it all apart. I'm in therapy and have found a great spiritual teacher so I'm getting it under control, but I don't know what to do about my family. My relationship with my father is great but I feel like I have to parent my own mother. Anyone have advice or can suggest some good reading material on this type of stuff?
 
@SurferBabe you and I are going through something similar except mine's reversed. My SO is the one with the too-involved mother. I'm not concerned with his mother as much as SO's response to her and what he expects of our relationship. Will he set boundaries, (as I had to do before I met him) to protect our relationship? :look: He needs to do this with both his parents, for different reasons.

I've already posted about it but SO's mom has a deep fear of abandonment. She doesn't get along with the SO of SO's sister either. o_O SO told me his mother it's a large part of why it's been hard for him to date since his last LT relationship. She got in the middle of that. At this point I've met everyone in SO's family, including his father and I've seen the family in action since SO's birthday party was on Saturday. SO has yet to meet my family because of scheduling issues. He will at the end of this month and then he'll meet my friends too in November for my birthday. Both our families are close and my mom is very involved too but I've set boundaries with her and she knows when to back off. I've had to do it for my own well-being. She's also excited to meet someone I'm involved with that could potentially be her SIL (and father to her grandkids) in the future. SO's mom expects the world to revolve around her and is terrified at the thought of change. I want our families to come together but I could also see where they could clash. And I want SO and I to be on the same page so that our relationship doesn't suffer. SO says one of the things he likes about me is the boundaries I have so... :rolleyes:

All I ask of SO is for him to take care of himself (which he does), including telling his mother "no" if necessary. SO's had a lot to deal with lately and I don't want him to get rundown. He's a people pleaser so he doesn't like to disappoint anyone even if it's at the expense of his well-being. I'm the opposite. I will not do but so much.
 
@ScorpioBeauty09 I can understand how your SO feels, especially the people-pleasing part. I struggle with the same thing. We don't want to let people down. Finding a good relationship is what's pushing me to finally establish some boundaries and it will be the same for your SO. There is a term-- emotional incest, that explains some of these lack of boundaries relationships some children have with their parents. It's a scary/shocking term because it is meant to make us uncomfortable. Seeing my SO's family structure has made me realize how a normal family functions, and it has also shown me how dysfunctional many of the parent-child relationships I've observed growing up were. Is your SO in therapy or has he considered it? He might be psychologically healthy but therapy can help him overcome his fear of disappointing others. Saying "no" is hard for many people-- me included. It's especially tough for POC since we're raised to not speak up for ourselves or challenge authority.
 
Me and #1 are going to a Halloween party and he just texted me saying we have to figure out costumes. I'm excited but still so nervous. It is so weird because after all these years and all these bogus relationships I've had, I've never done fun things like this with a guy I'm seeing. I've never dressed up and gone to a Halloween party. I feel like such a fish out of water. Anyone else doing Halloween this year?
 
@LdyKamz we’re going to Austin the weekend before Halloween so my boyfriend can play in the Ivy League business school rugby tournament. It should be a fun weekend and we’ll be dressing up and going out on 6th street that Saturday night.

I lived in Austin for almost 5 years so I’m very excited. I’m basically wearing a costume that’s supposed to be lingerie. Hope I don’t see anyone I know.
 
SurferBabe said:
@ScorpioBeauty09 I can understand how your SO feels, especially the people-pleasing part. I struggle with the same thing. We don't want to let people down. Finding a good relationship is what's pushing me to finally establish some boundaries and it will be the same for your SO. There is a term-- emotional incest, that explains some of these lack of boundaries relationships some children have with their parents. It's a scary/shocking term because it is meant to make us uncomfortable. Seeing my SO's family structure has made me realize how a normal family functions, and it has also shown me how dysfunctional many of the parent-child relationships I've observed growing up were. Is your SO in therapy or has he considered it? He might be psychologically healthy but therapy can help him overcome his fear of disappointing others. Saying "no" is hard for many people-- me included. It's especially tough for POC since we're raised to not speak up for ourselves or challenge authority.
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Well see SO is a therapist and so is my mom. He is in therapy but he’s not talking about his parents. And I’ve already lived through my parents marriage nearly coming apart because my dad wouldn’t focus on his childhood, I do not want to repeat it. When SO meets my family this month he’ll see a family with healthier boundaries but it took lots of work. I’ve spent the last decade before I met him in therapy focusing on setting boundaries with my family because we have our own set of drama. I thought no family was worse than ours and then I met SO. I found out.

My concern right now is SO has integrated me into his world, and I want to integrate him into mine too. And we’ve got to figure out some way to bring our worlds together. But to do that means he’s going to have to develop boundaries with his parents and tell them “no”.

Because SO is an MFT, he’s used to women who need him in a way that I don’t. It’s actually gotten him into trouble in his relationships because of his lack of boundaries. What I need to communicate to him is I like him and want him in my life but I don’t need him.
 
LdyKamz said:
Me and #1 are going to a Halloween party and he just texted me saying we have to figure out costumes. I'm excited but still so nervous. It is so weird because after all these years and all these bogus relationships I've had, I've never done fun things like this with a guy I'm seeing. I've never dressed up and gone to a Halloween party. I feel like such a fish out of water. Anyone else doing Halloween this year?
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I do Halloween every year. Usually I'm in NYC. I'm hoping to bring my SO because I've been talking about my NYC friends since we've been together (about half my core group of friends live in the city and we do international trips every year) and he has yet to meet them.
 
#1 and I are hitting up a spa this weekend. He has been planning so many activities I'm starting to get suspicious lol He has tried to book all my weekends this month and when he found out that wasn't gonna happen he was like that's not fair but I understand lol I think he's got too much free time at the moment.
 
SO and I are on our first road trip. :p It was sort of impromptu, which is not like me lol. :look: We've spent more time together this week since he took it off from work. It's given me a chance to talk about my concerns. We also had lunch this week at a restaurant close to my house and I got to show him my neighborhood which was nice. It's just nice to spend time with him and have privacy for certain things lol. :naughtycouch:
 
Never thought I would be so annoyed by someone being on time. #1 is habitually early every single time we go out and I always feel so bad for him waiting for so long. But at this point it's on him. I told him today that since he's closer he should leave half hour after me. He said ok. 20 minutes into my ride we get an announcement about change in service so I text him and tell him to leave 10 minutes later. Why he text back talking about he's 10 minutes away from the place. Why? Why are you 10 minutes away when you are still supposed to be at home? So now let him wait.
 
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