Would You Ever Date Someone In A Wheelchair?

[crlsweetie912]

I think plenty women period would take on a disabled man. I have been caretaking my whole life. I've been through so much. It is my nature to caretake and I am consciously choosing to not live that way anymore. I have to force myself to put myself and my needs first. So I don't think it has anything to do with race or even character. More to do with how a woman chooses to live and what she needs to be happy. Most black women are natural caretakers to the extreme and often to their detriment IMO.

@hopeful how did you begin to make these changes? This is so me

 

[crlsweetie912]

I agree with @MzLady78 and I am not trying to come down at you at all. My bio-sister has spina bifida and she is confined to a wheel chair. Even though I am estranged from my bio-family, I have some of them on my Facebook and I see how she, now and again, laments about not being about to find someone... So I sincerely empathize and understand where you are coming. That said, you are married though, which means you did find someone and that is AMAZING considering the men we have out here!

Using myself as an example, I have had men flat out tell me because I have children I need to "accept" whatever comes my way because quality men aren't looking for ready made families. Everything else about me is put together, but the second I mention I have children... nope- I am not good enough. My extremely obese girlfriend has been told that she needs to accept what comes her way because no one wants someone who is 400 lbs. She has succumbed to that and is now a career side chick because she doesn't think anyone else will want her.

Not that I am saying a disability is equal to children or being over weight but we *all* have heard the "fairy tale" (and are tired of hearing it) that if we remain patient, Mr. Perfect for Us will drop out the sky- there is always someone out there looking for us, when honestly it may not be true. Meanwhile we are all getting older and older and still single. I don't know the ins and outs of your marriage but I know if I were married right now, I would do my best to fight for it and hope my partner would be inspired to fight too. Because this dating is for the birds and honestly a few of us ARE going to be alone if we choose not to settle *that is my opinion* because of just how life is set up. Doesn't mean you accept abuse or neglect but a person really need to evaluate their needs/wants concerning men.

I was trying to gather my thoughts but you put them down faster than I could think!
I'm 40+ you got something on me even with your disability. I've never been married or engaged. Imagine what I get comment wise????
I think you married your husband for a reason. I know he did. No one knows but you. I don't think it was a snap decision to settle. You are too smart for that. I think it's time for some deep soul searching.

 

[hopeful]

@hopeful how did you begin to make these changes? This is so me

Therapy . My therapist helped me understand that my mind is like a child that doesn't understand the world or the future possibilities and that it can be a bit bratty at times.

Our higher selves know what is best for us and helps us make good choices. We have to slow down and watch and monitor our child-like mind with gentle, loving, but firm no's, like you would treat a child. Yes I know you want to caretake because that is what we were taught in the past by our parents, the world, or whatever, but we are not going to make that choice this time. Our mind follows our subconscious which is filled with fear. Our minds make choices on the past, not the new, grown up you or our new circumstances.

Our higher selves are wise and unafraid. Our higher self is love-based, not fear-based. Meditation helps a lot. Learning to love yourself fully and unconditionally helps a lot too. And then slowly through lots and lots of repetition our minds and our subconscious start to get that endless sacrificing and caretaking is cruel to ourselves. Being this way gets you less love, not more. Basically our relationship with the world mirrors our relationship with ourselves.

 

[crlsweetie912]

Therapy . My therapist helped me understand that my mind is like a child that doesn't understand the world or the future possibilities and that it can be a bit bratty at times.

Our higher selves know what is best for us and helps us make good choices. We have to slow down and watch and monitor our child-like mind with gentle, loving, but firm no's, like you would treat a child. Yes I know you want to caretake because that is what we were taught in the past by our parents, the world, or whatever, but we are not going to make that choice this time. Our mind follows our subconscious which is filled with fear. Our minds make choices on the past, not the new, grown up you or our new circumstances.

Our higher selves are wise and unafraid. Our higher self is love-based, not fear-based. Meditation helps a lot. Learning to love yourself fully and unconditionally helps a lot too. And then slowly through lots and lots of repetition our minds and our subconscious start to get that endless sacrificing and caretaking is cruel to ourselves. Being this way gets you less love, not more. Basically our relationship with the world mirrors our relationship with ourselves.

Thank you for taking the time to share. This confirms something for me. I appreciate you!

 

[hopeful]

Thank you for taking the time to share. This confirms something for me. I appreciate you!

You're welcome. My pleasure .

 

[ArrrBeee]

Im married yes. My DH adores me too. But part of it is how I glowed up his life I believe. And he's kiddy and immature and passive aggressive and etc. I feel like I had to put up with this and look the other way because honestly just to find someone that is willing to look past a disability is slim to none. Either u find men that look at u as a fetish, dudes that wannna color, or dudes already taken. Very rarely will I find men that are emotionally ready for a relationship AND willing to deal with a disability.

Kid included. I have a newborn but essentially it's a kid that I paid for and wanted on my own and worked hard to have on my own. (DH can't have kids and didn't put forth effort to have kids)

And I feel like I have to put up with a lot of bs because it ain't nothing out there. I look at the relationship forum and I know it's hard for every black woman. But lord is daaaaaarn hard on me.

Maybe all of this has me in a funk. And it probably a little depression and life frustration. Just life *shrugs*. I just hate all this whole optimism that's not real. It's make believe and sounds good for a book. But it's just not real.

I don't think that you were around for the whole dlewis debacle. She was a member who shared some info on the board and it got back to her husband. Are you okay with your husband seeing what you typed? If not, please delete it. The world is smaller than you think.

As far as the rest of life goes, it's hard out here for women in general. You just have to be the best, most positive version of yourself and hope for the best. That's all you can do.

 

[Harina]

I wouldn't. Crazy story alert: a former coworker dated a guy in a wheelchair and he used to abuse her. I was like how tha hell??? I said girl you should literally walk away. She eventually left dude but would still take care of him when he couldnt find a care taker. Her self esteem was trash tho, she was about 100lbs overweight and ended up having wls, lost weight and married a former crackhead who relasped shortly after the wedding.

Terrible but this story reminded me of this.

 

[hopeful]

"I just hate all this whole optimism that's not real. It's make believe and sounds good for a book. But it's just not real."

@PrissiSippi
What you wrote here is very black and white thinking. Either everything is a fairytale or it's dark and hopeless. There is an in between, called reality. You haven't found your sweet spot yet.

If you had to have your baby on your own then you didn't need your husband for that. Which means you didn't even settle because you wanted a baby so badly. You just settled for the "fantasy" of a nuclear family.

Sounds like you are having a tough day. Go do something nice for yourself and relax. Take good care of you. Everything is going to be okay.

 

[hopeful]

I think what is also enlightening about this thread is that we as women have options. We don't have to be the caretaker or the martyr. We don't have to sit in the sacrifice seat. We have a choice regardless of what others think we should do or pressure us to do. God bless the caretakers, but everybody ain't gotta live that life. There's also a lot in between being a non-stop caretaker and being completely self-absorbed. I think most of just want to live a balanced life, a life of reciprocity.

 

[Guapa1]

I used to have a wheelchair, so I wouldn't rule it out. However, I need help some days and if we can't help each other, what are we gonna do?

I became mobility impaired nearly 10 years ago.
I tried online dating but seemed to get one of two responses:

a) guys who thought because I use a stick and mobility scooter, I sit in my house watching daytime tv and eat crap and should be happy with just anyone. One of my exes said to me the last time we spoke that "I couldn't afford to be choosy anymore". or

b) guys who would disappear when I told them it wasn't a temporary thing.

So I thought to myself, maybe I need to join a dating site for people with disabilities. I made a dummy page just to see who there was in my area and was just keeping tabs on it.
About a week after that I was coming out of the cinema. I was using my hoist to put my scooter away when this guy in a wheelchair comes past me. He saw my hoist and said he just got one and asked if I could help him put it in his car. Long story short, he ended up on the floor in tears, and I ended up in bed for a few days after in pain. I've deleted myself from all dating sites now.

 

[NappyNelle]

This thread makes me sad. Then I feel like I can't be honest and say it makes me sad. I'm supposed to be sooo optimistic and aloof. I get it. I mean it is what it is. But I get so upset when people say: Seek your happiness. You deserve the best. You can always find someone else and etc. but people's true feelings are always evident in conversations and in threads like this.

I guess this is my dad gave it to me straight no chaser.....Priss don't know man want a woman in a wheelchair...you need to fight to walk and walk now.

I have Multiple Sclerosis and Fibromyalgia. I had a wheelchair for about six months, graduated to a walker, and now just use a cane. Some days, I can walk around my office or my house without the cane. If I'm outside in the real world, I always have my cane. Other days, I wish I still had the wheelchair! I should have been confined to the wheelchair by now, 5.5 years after diagnosis, but I'm not! Please let me know if you ever want to talk.

So you want someone to deal with something you can't even deal with?

That was one of the concerns that helped me to change my thinking. My depression and anxiety had completely taken over my life. I couldn't see through the fog of despair, let alone excruciating pain, all the side effects of the pain medications, my hair falling out, losing and gaining weight, loss of friends and relationships, etc. I had to focus on me and my happiness. I would HATE to be around someone miserable all the time, so why was I miserable with myself? The one person I'm always guaranteed to have? I don't know if I'll ever get married or have a baby, but I'm not letting

Please don't take this as a criticism, but based on some other posts within the last month or so, I wonder if you have postpartum depression.

I became mobility impaired nearly 10 years ago.
I tried online dating but seemed to get one of two responses:

a) guys who thought because I use a stick and mobility scooter, I sit in my house watching daytime tv and eat crap and should be happy with just anyone. One of my exes said to me the last time we spoke that "I couldn't afford to be choosy anymore". or

b) guys who would disappear when I told them it wasn't a temporary thing.

So I thought to myself, maybe I need to join a dating site for people with disabilities. I made a dummy page just to see who there was in my area and was just keeping tabs on it.
About a week after that I was coming out of the cinema. I was using my hoist to put my scooter away when this guy in a wheelchair comes past me. He saw my hoist and said he just got one and asked if I could help him put it in his car. Long story short, he ended up on the floor in tears, and I ended up in bed for a few days after in pain. I've deleted myself from all dating sites now.

I've dated online and had some good encounters, but I've had better luck in person.

 

[Guapa1]

@NappyNelle I'm sure that they are out there and I will get back out there soon.
I just realised that I need to take a step back and become more confident and rooted in myself.
That even included coming off some Facebook fibro groups because it got quite depressing.

 

[betteron2day]

My SO is 6'3" 275 and gorgeous. He is not wealthy now but he used to be. Now he is all of that in a wheelchair paralyzed from the nipple down. He is independent and I love him. The sex is amazing and creative. He struggles with depression on some days but he makes the most of his situation. He left home riding a bicycle and was left for dead in the middle of the road after a hit and run. Life has many swift transitions and we vacillate between the what was and the what is. I don't have the time or luxury to be superficial. I have had friends tell me I should leave him because I am still young and why would I want to take care of him. I understand every point that was made in this thread. Neither one of us thought much about disabilities until it landed in our home. Now we deal with it and roll on (a little wheelchair humor)

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I don't mean someone you already knew or were in a relationship with BEFORE they became physically handicapped. What if he looked like a professional athlete, good personality, had money, and his junk worked just fine? Looks as good Rafael Solano from Jane the virgin:

View attachment 396991

I got the idea for this thread when I met a dude like that earlier. It was strictly business but it got me thinking if I would do it or not. How about YOU ladies? Have you dated or married someone who was already handicapped when you met them? Or would that be a no-go in your book?

This is a tough question....


I'm going to sound like a jerk, but my answer will probably be NO. Probably NOT if we just met and we weren't already dating/married. I'm sorry.... I definitely have a LOT of respect for those who have spouses or SO's who are paralyzed or handicapped in some way. My hat goes out to them indeed.

I know there are some sweet guys in wheelchairs, and I'm sure some of them would treat me really well, but I dont' know if I could do it in the long run. Even if the guy was handsome with a nice body...I just don't know if I could do it.

I think in the long run it would be way too much WORK. Work trying to find out if places for our dates ahead of time are "handicapped-accessible", work trying to make sure I'm not offending him in some way or saying something that could be deemed offensive by him, work trying to make sure I'm not babying him or taking away his manhood, work trying to make sure people around us aren't staring at us/him or making rude comments...

I just don't know if I could do it... Plus, I think deep down I would always deep down be craving a man that I can run and frolic in the grass with, or take a stroll down the beach with while we watch the sun set as the sand squishes between our toes. I would hate to develop a wandering eye ykwim? I think people would kind of feel bad for me too.

*sigh* Idk...

If we were dating beforehand then that's different. But just met?? Idk girl...

HOWEVER, I will say, that movie "Me Before You" definitely made me think about how much more open I could be to dating a man in a wheelchair. I thought their romance was so sweet! The chemistry was off the chain lol.

 

[caribeandiva]

This is a tough question....


I'm going to sound like a jerk, but my answer will probably be NO. Probably NOT if we just met and we weren't already dating/married. I'm sorry.... I definitely have a LOT of respect for those who have spouses or SO's who are paralyzed or handicapped in some way. My hat goes out to them indeed.

I know there are some sweet guys in wheelchairs, and I'm sure some of them would treat me really well, but I dont' know if I could do it in the long run. Even if the guy was handsome with a nice body...I just don't know if I could do it.

I think in the long run it would be way too much WORK. Work trying to find out if places for our dates ahead of time are "handicapped-accessible", work trying to make sure I'm not offending him in some way or saying something that could be deemed offensive by him, work trying to make sure I'm not babying him or taking away his manhood, work trying to make sure people around us aren't staring at us/him or making rude comments...

I just don't know if I could do it... Plus, I think deep down I would always deep down be craving a man that I can run and frolic in the grass with, or take a stroll down the beach with while we watch the sun set as the sand squishes between our toes. I would hate to develop a wandering eye ykwim? I think people would kind of feel bad for me too.

*sigh* Idk...

If we were dating beforehand then that's different. But just met?? Idk girl...

HOWEVER, I will say, that movie "Me Before You" definitely made me think about how much more open I could be to dating a man in a wheelchair. I thought their romance was so sweet! The chemistry was off the chain lol.

My feelings exactly!

 

[MeMyselfnMzT]

This is an interesting topic. I dated a guy who was nearly blind. He developed eye inflammation while deployed to Afghanistan and lost almost all of his vision. He was bitter and mean much of the time and very difficult to deal with. He had many ups and downs, which I guess I can understand somewhat but it got to the point where I didn't enjoy being around him. I was relieved when things ended. It was a burden to do all of the driving but I didn't complain because I liked him at first and he always provided gas money and did things for me financially. That experience taught me that I do not want to sacrifice my mental and emotional wellbeing in that manner again. His own insecurities made him very critical of me and he had a lot of narcissistic personality traits. So in addition to being worn down by his constant mood swings and doing a lot of things for him I had to deal with him constantly trying to put me down. While I won't completely rule out being with a disabled person it would depend on their disability and their personality. Disabled people can be cold and bitter and that is emotionally exhausting. If someone I'm married to (in the future when I'm actually married) becomes disabled that's one thing. We've taken vows and I would try to make it work. What I will not do is sacrifice my health and happiness for other people. I'd eventually have nothing left to give.

 

[BGT]

My SO is 6'3" 275 and gorgeous. He is not wealthy now but he used to be. Now he is all of that in a wheelchair paralyzed from the nipple down. He is independent and I love him. The sex is amazing and creative. He struggles with depression on some days but he makes the most of his situation. He left home riding a bicycle and was left for dead in the middle of the road after a hit and run. Life has many swift transitions and we vacillate between the what was and the what is. I don't have the time or luxury to be superficial. I have had friends tell me I should leave him because I am still young and why would I want to take care of him. I understand every point that was made in this thread. Neither one of us thought much about disabilities until it landed in our home. Now we deal with it and roll on (a little wheelchair humor)

Can I ask you a genuine question? How do you have sex? Does he have sensation in his penis? When you say creative are you referring to positions?

 

[betteron2day]

Can I ask you a genuine question? How do you have sex? Does he have sensation in his penis? When you say creative are you referring to positions?

@BGT He can get a mild erection but then we use Trimix injections so he can get an increased and longer erection. We try different positions and also his oral game is strong. It's also a relearning process for intimacy.

 

[FelaShrine]

I honestly don't know. If I do, I doubt I'd be faithful

*sigh*

You're taking this entirely too personal. This is a thread full of women, and maybe only 10, 15 at that. So how have you concluded that no man is gonna to want you? Especially when you're currently married. Absolutely no one has said that.

Sorry that you feel bad, but the people in this thread shouldn't be made to feel bad about their feelings either.

THANK YOU. I was just about to say aren't you married..? This thread is supposed to be honest.

 

[giigii613]

Wheelchair, probably not. But I wouldn't rule out all disabilities - like if he was deaf or an amputee or something. It would depend on the circumstances, his independence, and his mental health

I would date a deaf guy...cause in my relationships I talk a lot of ****.

 

[giigii613]

Nope.

And if he became paralyzed early in, I would leave him.

Ditto. I'd be like

 

[caribeandiva]

I would date a deaf guy...cause in my relationships I talk a lot of ****.

 

[giigii613]

Terrible but this story reminded me of this.

Who is this comedian? I'm going to have to post his picture in the "Weird, Unconventional, Ugly-cute Actors/celebrities That You Oddly Enough Find Attractive" thread.

 

[RUBY]

I became mobility impaired nearly 10 years ago.
I tried online dating but seemed to get one of two responses:

a) guys who thought because I use a stick and mobility scooter, I sit in my house watching daytime tv and eat crap and should be happy with just anyone. One of my exes said to me the last time we spoke that "I couldn't afford to be choosy anymore". or

b) guys who would disappear when I told them it wasn't a temporary thing.

So I thought to myself, maybe I need to join a dating site for people with disabilities. I made a dummy page just to see who there was in my area and was just keeping tabs on it.
About a week after that I was coming out of the cinema. I was using my hoist to put my scooter away when this guy in a wheelchair comes past me. He saw my hoist and said he just got one and asked if I could help him put it in his car. Long story short, he ended up on the floor in tears, and I ended up in bed for a few days after in pain. I've deleted myself from all dating sites now.

I was intently reading your post and wasn't sure where it was going to end up but surely I wasn't expecting that ending. I had to stop myself from laughing out loud.

But... what happened next? Did you ever meet that guy again? I thought maybe he recognised you from the website and you were going to say that y'all are married now.

 

[RUBY]

I would date a deaf guy...cause in my relationships I talk a lot of ****.

 

[RUBY]

Ditto. I'd be like

View attachment 397707

 

[MissNina]

No. If we were married, absolutely yes, but a condition would be counseling, separately and together. We would both need to learn to deal with the emotions that come along with. If he wasn't down for that, I'd leave if it were permanent.

I believe every couple should have a counselor they see at least once every couple months or something, tho.

 

[Sosoothing]

My SO is 6'3" 275 and gorgeous. He is not wealthy now but he used to be. Now he is all of that in a wheelchair paralyzed from the nipple down. He is independent and I love him. The sex is amazing and creative. He struggles with depression on some days but he makes the most of his situation. He left home riding a bicycle and was left for dead in the middle of the road after a hit and run. Life has many swift transitions and we vacillate between the what was and the what is. I don't have the time or luxury to be superficial. I have had friends tell me I should leave him because I am still young and why would I want to take care of him. I understand every point that was made in this thread. Neither one of us thought much about disabilities until it landed in our home. Now we deal with it and roll on (a little wheelchair humor)

How horrible for him to have been left like that in the street. Did they ever find the despicable person who abandoned the scene of the accident?

 

[betteron2day]

How horrible for him to have been left like that in the street. Did they ever find the despicable person who abandoned the scene of the accident?

@Sosoothing No they never found the person and they never really looked for them.

 

[intellectualuva]

I think I could. I know it would be a lot of work trying to adjust my tendency to just want to go/do XYZ without checking it could accommodate disabled folks. However, the older I get the more I realize its hard enough to find people I want to talk to let alone invite in my life. People like me, but I genuinely can take or leave most people....so when I find someone that I can click with....its hard for me to imagine that I'd let a disability get in the way, especially if he was independent.

I've met this really amazing guy recently. If he had been disabled when we met, I'd still talk to him and want him around. Couldn't promise him forever/marriage, but I'm not sure I can promise any one forever right now.