Would u date a guy that...

[Twenti9]

[ QUOTE ]
Poohbear said:
Thanks for all of your responses...they are helping me so much...I am leaning toward not dating this guy...seems like more trouble than fun...

[/ QUOTE ]

I know this topic is about what you should do but what does he want at this point of his life?

Personally, I wouldn't date someone who I don't see having a future with. To me it's a waste of everybody's time in the end.

 

[Ayeshia]

[ QUOTE ]
Twenti9 said:
[ QUOTE ]
Poohbear said:
Thanks for all of your responses...they are helping me so much...I am leaning toward not dating this guy...seems like more trouble than fun...

[/ QUOTE ]

I know this topic is about what you should do but what does he want at this point of his life?

Personally, I wouldn't date someone who I don't see having a future with. To me it's a waste of everybody's time in the end.

[/ QUOTE ]

aint it. And as far as being friends...ummmm no. He will want more trust. I bet if she was here and not in Italy he wouldn't consider talking to you. So yeah find somebody with no strings attached

 

[phynestone]

I would stay as far away as possible from this guy. Sure, he may have been honest w/ you concerning his child, but why have settle for okay when you can have the best. I'll send you a pm.

 

[AnnDriena_]

*Through police siren*
Put the caramel man down and back away slowly.

It seems as though now that you've set the moral standards for yourself (by the way good for you). You need to define dating. You say you just want to "hang out". Well, will he be kissing you? Have you decided how far you will go in "hanging out" with this guy? You may want it to be casual but spending so much time with someone and sharing hugs, kisses and intimate moments may lead to feelings that you don't want to have for this man and that while in Italy with his babbymamma he will not respect or care about.
You may want to set some boundaries for yourself in who you date and more seriously what is dating for you. For me it's looking for a future mate and when I look for a future mate I'm not looking for someone in the military (sorry military spouses) or someone with children. I think when you sit down and pray and actually get a journal going about what you expect in a mate and in the dating situation you won't even need us (The Ghetto Experts of the LHCF) because it will be like a filtering process.
Right now my filtering process is currently on no gold teeth, cheap velour suited brothers with huge "diamonds" in their ears and can't speak proper english whilst they try to "holla" at a sister. So far my filter is working.

 

[Bublnbrnsuga]

[ QUOTE ]
Chyna Red said:
I would hang out and have fun. You say you aren't looking for a serious relationship and you don't plan on having sex until mariage... I don't see anything wrong with it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I can agree with this-to a certain extent,but we have to be real. Poohbear, you are a female and we are emotional creatures. You say you don't want anything serious,but if he's charming and everything, TRUST, you will want more out of it. Then you will start making excuses to yourself about him and his expected baby mama drama,not to say that she will cause drama,but are you willing to allow excuses he may use to not spend time with you to 'kick it' with other women and oh yeah, the baby's momma?

 

[Poohbear]

The thing is...he hasnt said anything at all to me about sex and he doesnt even know whether im a virgin or not. He's not charming in a "sexual" way....he's charming in that he's a sweet mature person. To me, it just seems like the thing with his baby's mama is like a mistake. Anyone that has sex is risking becoming pregnant. So thats what happened with him. Im only seeing this guy as a friend...nothing more. I hope that makes it a lil more clear...

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
Twenti9 said:
I know this topic is about what you should do but what does he want at this point of his life?

Personally, I wouldn't date someone who I don't see having a future with. To me it's a waste of everybody's time in the end.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well I dont wanna just go thru life all alone with no fun. You can have fun with people that are not like you. I have high standards for almost everything...what am I suppose to do? Shut everything out of my life and be a nun? I could be a blessing to him more than he can be one to me. I am no better than anyone in this world. Im not that type of person to think Im better than everyone. I have other guy friends that I can hang around too. I still hang around my ex-boyfriend. This guy is just a new friend but I never came across someone that is a single father or about to be a father. I dont see it as a waste of time, that would mean I have wasted my time with everyone I have dated in the past,...I see it as just an opportunity to take time outta my busy schedule to have fun. Does anyone get the point Im trying to make here?

 

[Bublnbrnsuga]

Poohbear, just do what you want to do.

 

[MaleiahT]

I get your point, but I think what people are saying that HIS intentions could be different. You could scream no sex to him all day but he will still TRY..hes a guy, they always have to try. I just comes down to what your boundaries are,and how you will handle certain situations. B/c to ME it looks like hes tryin to hit...

 

[Isis]

[ QUOTE ]
Poohbear said:
every guy that i have dated has been sexually active. doesnt mean i have to be the same way they are. i am also someone that looks pass people's faults.

I have high standards for the guy I want to marry. but for right now, i wanna have fun with guys. its hard to find a virgin guy to date.

[/ QUOTE ]
I believe it's important to have high standards for the guys you want to just hang with too. Character is so important and I believe we all need to put it at the top of our list when choosing our friends. Why bring yourself down with someone whom you know has questionable character?
You'll be meeting lots of fine, exciting and fun guys in your life. Character is something we all need to place on the top of the list when choosing friends. The key is keeping your eyes wide open, choosing guys who are available and paying attention to those red flags. This guy has a big ol' red flag waving in your face. He's already sniffing around when he should be getting ready for his new baby - that doesn't sound mature to me. Remember that one's behavior reveals everything about a person.

 

[Britt]

Simple answer NO!
He is going to need time to adjust to being a father, especially at a young age. Therefore, he will not have time to attend to me, he should attend to his newborn and deal with the mother. For me to date him would put myself at unneccesary stress. It would be a different story if he was like 25 and has a 4 year old, then I would take my time with him to see what his relationship is to his child and the child's mother and if he's got it together. But brand new father is a definite no no.

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
MaleiahT said:
I get your point, but I think what people are saying that HIS intentions could be different. You could scream no sex to him all day but he will still TRY..hes a guy, they always have to try. I just comes down to what your boundaries are,and how you will handle certain situations. B/c to ME it looks like hes tryin to hit...

[/ QUOTE ]

I just said we have NEVER talked about sex AT ALL. He doesnt even know whether Im a virgin or not. I've known him for 5 months and it's never been brought up in our conversations!

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
Britt said:
Simple answer NO!
He is going to need time to adjust to being a father, especially at a young age. Therefore, he will not have time to attend to me, he should attend to his newborn and deal with the mother. For me to date him would put myself at unneccesary stress. It would be a different story if he was like 25 and has a 4 year old, then I would take my time with him to see what his relationship is to his child and the child's mother and if he's got it together. But brand new father is a definite no no.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks for your response...I really needed this!

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
Bublnbrnsuga said:
Poohbear, just do what you want to do.

[/ QUOTE ]

Im so difficult...since he's going to be a new father and all...I will not get involved with him sexually or seriously. I'll just be his friend. I wanted to mention that I am a STRONG black woman and I dont give in to any man's BS.

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
Isis said:
I believe it's important to have high standards for the guys you want to just hang with too. Character is so important and I believe we all need to put it at the top of our list when choosing our friends. Why bring yourself down with someone whom you know has questionable character?
You'll be meeting lots of fine, exciting and fun guys in your life. Character is something we all need to place on the top of the list when choosing friends. The key is keeping your eyes wide open, choosing guys who are available and paying attention to those red flags. This guy has a big ol' red flag waving in your face. He's already sniffing around when he should be getting ready for his new baby - that doesn't sound mature to me. Remember that one's behavior reveals everything about a person.

[/ QUOTE ]

So are all of your friends PERFECT or meet ALL of your standards???

 

[Bublnbrnsuga]

[ QUOTE ]
Poohbear said:
[ QUOTE ]
Bublnbrnsuga said:
Poohbear, just do what you want to do.

[/ QUOTE ]

Im so difficult...since he's going to be a new father and all...I will not get involved with him sexually or seriously. I'll just be his friend. I wanted to mention that I am a STRONG black woman and I dont give in to any man's BS.

[/ QUOTE ]

Poohbear, not many here are concerned with you giving into him physically, it is the emotional issue many of us are concerned about. You are already physically attracted to him and you describe him as mature- who doesn't want this in a man? The thing is he has a huge strike against him with this upcoming baby. We women are so easily influenced into being with some men,that we overlook an issue in his life can can definitely make or break the relationship and in return,end up breaking us.

 

[AnnDriena_]

Poohbear first of all this is a hair board so I have to say I love your avatar,is that your hair? Okay back to the topic.

You are giving us the friend card here. can i ask you a question? Well I'm going to anyway,HA!
If this is just a situation where you are just going to be friends why are you titling the topic "would you DATE a guy...? That implies more than just going out to lunch and being buddy buddy. so can you see why our advice is going the way it's going?
And several women seem to be of the same mind on the casual dating theme. Even women who don't seem to express the same viewpoints on other topics of the board seem be trying to steer you away from this "casual" attitude. Dating, spending time with someone and sharing intimate moments(not talking about sexual) often involve more than we bargain for.
I also don't want to put my boundaries on you I just want to share them.
I don't date right now and when I start there are some things that will have to be present. And one is the guy has to have the same standards as me. I don't date men who are sexually active. They don't have to be virgins (although I would prefer it) but they have to be actively seeking moral purity. I don't want to deal with a guy who is indulging in sexual pleasures and then tries to come at me and "experiment" with abstinance. Sex is very strong and I am not naive enough (not saying you are) to believe that he is just going to go cold turkey after just having some with another female. That's me.
Now if you want to take something away from what I just said please look at the fact that he was just with a woman he had sex with and got pregnant. Is this the kind of relationship casual or not you want to have?
You posed a question to us about this specific situation but i think you should ask yourself some more questions and really explore what you are willing to risk (if you are abstinant how much temptation do you want to place in front of yourself?)
As for thinking your better than someone. Of course not, I don't think anyone here thinks they or you are better than anyone else. But standards are important and I think in this day and age of humility (false and real) we forget our standards and tend to lower them all for the sake of not appearing to be high and mighty.
You should think very highly of yourself.
And you should know how mighty you really are.

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
Bublnbrnsuga said:
Poohbear, not many here are concerned with you giving into him physically, it is the emotional issue many of us are concerned about. You are already physically attracted to him and you describe him as mature- who doesn't want this in a man? The thing is he has a huge strike against him with this upcoming baby. We women are so easily influenced into being with some men,that we overlook an issue in his life can can definitely make or break the relationship and in return,end up breaking us.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree but the thing is is that I will be emotionally fine if all of a sudden he breaks off the friendship or from hanging out BECAUSE of that "upcoming baby strike" against him.

He will not be my only friend...

 

[Isis]

[ QUOTE ]
Poohbear said:
[ QUOTE ]
Twenti9 said:
I know this topic is about what you should do but what does he want at this point of his life?

Personally, I wouldn't date someone who I don't see having a future with. To me it's a waste of everybody's time in the end.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well I dont wanna just go thru life all alone with no fun. You can have fun with people that are not like you. I have high standards for almost everything...what am I suppose to do? Shut everything out of my life and be a nun? I could be a blessing to him more than he can be one to me. I am no better than anyone in this world. Im not that type of person to think Im better than everyone. I have other guy friends that I can hang around too. I still hang around my ex-boyfriend. This guy is just a new friend but I never came across someone that is a single father or about to be a father. I dont see it as a waste of time, that would mean I have wasted my time with everyone I have dated in the past,...I see it as just an opportunity to take time outta my busy schedule to have fun. Does anyone get the point Im trying to make here?

[/ QUOTE ]
You are never alone, you have yourself. Now is the time to learn how to have fun and develop a loving relationship with yourself. From what you mentioned before (and your previous thread) you are on the rebound right now so this is the time to heal and focus on who you are and where you are going in life.

By not seeing this guy anymore does not mean you are becoming a nun and shutting out everyone. It would mean you are being discerning about who you spend your time and energy with. You'll be building your own character and self-esteem.

 

[Isis]

[ QUOTE ]
Poohbear said:
[ QUOTE ]
Isis said:
I believe it's important to have high standards for the guys you want to just hang with too. Character is so important and I believe we all need to put it at the top of our list when choosing our friends. Why bring yourself down with someone whom you know has questionable character?
You'll be meeting lots of fine, exciting and fun guys in your life. Character is something we all need to place on the top of the list when choosing friends. The key is keeping your eyes wide open, choosing guys who are available and paying attention to those red flags. This guy has a big ol' red flag waving in your face. He's already sniffing around when he should be getting ready for his new baby - that doesn't sound mature to me. Remember that one's behavior reveals everything about a person.

[/ QUOTE ]

So are all of your friends PERFECT or meet ALL of your standards???

[/ QUOTE ]
This is not about perfection it's about being discerning. You are the one who stated you have such high standards for yourself. If you do, demonstrate it. As I mentioned, I believe behavior reveals everything about a person. So why not be the kind of person you want to attract in your life?

 

[AnnDriena_]

And to piggy back on Isis's statement.
Not only is it not about perfection but even if it was I think we need to raise our standards of perfection.

If a guy not having irresponsible sex with a woman and getting her pregnant is anyone's idea of perfection. Then LORD help us all because I should be a god by now with those low standards.

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
Isis said:
You are never alone, you have yourself. Now is the time to learn how to have fun and develop a loving relationship with yourself. From what you mentioned before (and your previous thread) you are on the rebound right now so this is the time to heal and focus on who you are and where you are going in life.

By not seeing this guy anymore does not mean you are becoming a nun and shutting out everyone. It would mean you are being discerning about who you spend your time and energy with. You'll be building your own character and self-esteem.

[/ QUOTE ]

Dont get me wrong...Im not saying I would suffer if Im not around him. I also know I have myself and also Jesus. I was talking about a different type of lonliness...fellowship with other people. Im still learning about myself and i am focused on myself. And I do love myself and have high self esteem! Seeing or not seeing this guy would not matter to me really since I have Jesus...my ultimate joy. Any experience you go through is going to help you...whether good or bad. I always manage to make good come outta bad situations.

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
AnnDriena_ said:
Poohbear first of all this is a hair board so I have to say I love your avatar,is that your hair? Okay back to the topic.

You are giving us the friend card here. can i ask you a question? Well I'm going to anyway,HA!
If this is just a situation where you are just going to be friends why are you titling the topic "would you DATE a guy...? That implies more than just going out to lunch and being buddy buddy. so can you see why our advice is going the way it's going?
And several women seem to be of the same mind on the casual dating theme. Even women who don't seem to express the same viewpoints on other topics of the board seem be trying to steer you away from this "casual" attitude. Dating, spending time with someone and sharing intimate moments(not talking about sexual) often involve more than we bargain for.
I also don't want to put my boundaries on you I just want to share them.
I don't date right now and when I start there are some things that will have to be present. And one is the guy has to have the same standards as me. I don't date men who are sexually active. They don't have to be virgins (although I would prefer it) but they have to be actively seeking moral purity. I don't want to deal with a guy who is indulging in sexual pleasures and then tries to come at me and "experiment" with abstinance. Sex is very strong and I am not naive enough (not saying you are) to believe that he is just going to go cold turkey after just having some with another female. That's me.
Now if you want to take something away from what I just said please look at the fact that he was just with a woman he had sex with and got pregnant. Is this the kind of relationship casual or not you want to have?
You posed a question to us about this specific situation but i think you should ask yourself some more questions and really explore what you are willing to risk (if you are abstinant how much temptation do you want to place in front of yourself?)
As for thinking your better than someone. Of course not, I don't think anyone here thinks they or you are better than anyone else. But standards are important and I think in this day and age of humility (false and real) we forget our standards and tend to lower them all for the sake of not appearing to be high and mighty.
You should think very highly of yourself.
And you should know how mighty you really are.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah I see what you're saying but...

I am in no way putting down any responses. Im just responding to some with more information. I do not know all the standards this guy has. Ive just started getting to know him. I did not say he was sexually active. He could have very well done it once with this girl and she got pregnant; just because that happened doesnt mean he's sexually active. By the way, he did mention to me how he was a Christian and went to church. He's never talked about sex too me at all. When u said u dont date guys that arent sexually active, I DONT EITHER. When I said I dated guys that were sexually active, I meant "I dated guys that have had sex before"....just like u...right? since u said they may or may not be virgins....same here...


The only reason I asked "would u date this guy" or "should i date him?" is because Ive never been in this situation before with a guy that is about to be a father and wanted to see others opinions on it... Thats all.

BTW, I do think highly of myself. Hanging out or talking to this guy does NOT mean Im not thinking highly of myself. Im NOT thinking about marrying this guy or anything serious. I am sort of a person that likes to take risks but not risks that are going to be damaging to me.

Thanks for your response.

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
Isis said:
This is not about perfection it's about being discerning. You are the one who stated you have such high standards for yourself. If you do, demonstrate it. As I mentioned, I believe behavior reveals everything about a person. So why not be the kind of person you want to attract in your life?

[/ QUOTE ]

I AM A VERY DISCERNING PERSON! All Im saying is if Im NOT going to HAVE SEX with this guy...whats wrong with being FRIENDS with him? When I speak on high standards, Im talking about marriage...IM NOT THINKING ABOUT MARRYING THIS GUY!

Having high standards for myself doesnt mean I shouldnt have friends that have done wrong. EVERYONE has done wrong, no one is innocent.

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
AnnDriena_ said:
And to piggy back on Isis's statement.
Not only is it not about perfection but even if it was I think we need to raise our standards of perfection.

If a guy not having irresponsible sex with a woman and getting her pregnant is anyone's idea of perfection. Then LORD help us all because I should be a god by now with those low standards.

[/ QUOTE ]

You know...if this was the case...I shouldn't hang around or care about any of my friends or family. Of course you should have high standards...almost as high as perfection...BUT having these high standards doesnt mean to break it off with people u like or care about. I have people in my family that have had babies after babies out of wedlock. I still love them, talk to them, and etc. I have girl and guy friends that have had sex...doesnt mean I have to do it...Im someone that could be a blessing to people...I let NO ONE bring me down, thats the whole idea...
I dont care how much anyone says they have high standards...YOU WILL NEVER MEET ANYONE that has ALL of those high standards. I hope my point is clear here...

 

[Isis]

[ QUOTE ]
Poohbear said:
[ QUOTE ]
Isis said:
This is not about perfection it's about being discerning. You are the one who stated you have such high standards for yourself. If you do, demonstrate it. As I mentioned, I believe behavior reveals everything about a person. So why not be the kind of person you want to attract in your life?

[/ QUOTE ]

I AM A VERY DISCERNING PERSON! All Im saying is if Im NOT going to HAVE SEX with this guy...whats wrong with being FRIENDS with him? When I speak on high standards, Im talking about marriage...IM NOT THINKING ABOUT MARRYING THIS GUY!

Having high standards for myself doesnt mean I shouldnt have friends that have done wrong. EVERYONE has done wrong, no one is innocent.

[/ QUOTE ]

When you stated:

[ QUOTE ]
Poohbear said:
And I do love myself and have high self esteem! Seeing or not seeing this guy would not matter to me really since I have Jesus...my ultimate joy. Any experience you go through is going to help you...whether good or bad. I always manage to make good come outta bad situations.

[/ QUOTE ]
Discernment means not creating those bad or negative situations in the first place. We all have lessons in life to learn from and gain experience from and some of those lessons do come from negative situations. We don't have to knowingly create those kind of situations though. That's a whole different story and it wouldn't make any sense. Since you said seeing or not seeing this guy doesn't matter to you since you have Jesus, why put all of your energy into all of this?

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
Isis said:
[ QUOTE ]
Poohbear said:
[ QUOTE ]
Isis said:
This is not about perfection it's about being discerning. You are the one who stated you have such high standards for yourself. If you do, demonstrate it. As I mentioned, I believe behavior reveals everything about a person. So why not be the kind of person you want to attract in your life?

[/ QUOTE ]

I AM A VERY DISCERNING PERSON! All Im saying is if Im NOT going to HAVE SEX with this guy...whats wrong with being FRIENDS with him? When I speak on high standards, Im talking about marriage...IM NOT THINKING ABOUT MARRYING THIS GUY!

Having high standards for myself doesnt mean I shouldnt have friends that have done wrong. EVERYONE has done wrong, no one is innocent.

[/ QUOTE ]

When you stated:

[ QUOTE ]
Poohbear said:
And I do love myself and have high self esteem! Seeing or not seeing this guy would not matter to me really since I have Jesus...my ultimate joy. Any experience you go through is going to help you...whether good or bad. I always manage to make good come outta bad situations.

[/ QUOTE ]
Discernment means not creating those bad or negative situations in the first place. We all have lessons in life to learn from and gain experience from and some of those lessons do come from negative situations. We don't have to knowingly create those kind of situations though. That's a whole different story and it wouldn't make any sense. Since you said seeing or not seeing this guy doesn't matter to you since you have Jesus, why put all of your energy into all of this?

[/ QUOTE ]

Thats what Im saying...Im NOT putting ALL of my energy into this guy

Im not trying to put myself into a bad situation...just trying to avoid it. I said Im not going to do anything with this guy...I'll just be a friend

BTW, Jesus hung with prostitutes and other bad people too

He just didnt let them influence his behavior...thats what Im doing

 

[PrettyBrownEyes]

Yes, Jesus did do those things, but, are you leading this man to a better understanding and walk with Christ? Please realize that we aren't always as strong as we may think we are especially, when we are around men. I am generalizing here but, I hope you understand this. Pray about this situation since you do believe in Jesus. Now, when the thought occured to you to seek others opinion on dating an expectant father, leads me to believe that you may have actually had some question about this within yourself or you wouldn't have asked us right?

Edited to add: Jesus wasn't hanging around sinners to have fun with them, he was giving them a chance at eternal life.

 

[AnnDriena_]

why did you call this topic "should i date"?
In your responses you say you just want to hang out with him.
In your response to my post about raising our standards you said you hung out with all kinds of people who have done unChristian things. Well good. But why are you asking for advice on this one if you are just hanging out with him? Why does his kid matter if you're just hanging out?
Have you decided what kind of hanging out you're going to do with this guy?
I'd just like a little more information becaue your responses are confusing me.

 

[Poohbear]

[ QUOTE ]
PrettyBrownEyes said:
Yes, Jesus did do those things, but, are you leading this man to a better understanding and walk with Christ? Please realize that we aren't always as strong as we may think we are especially, when we are around men. I am generalizing here but, I hope you understand this. Pray about this situation since you do believe in Jesus. Now, when the thought occured to you to seek others opinion on dating an expectant father, leads me to believe that you may have actually had some question about this within yourself or you wouldn't have asked us right?

Edited to add: Jesus wasn't hanging around sinners to have fun with them, he was giving them a chance at eternal life.

[/ QUOTE ]

I understand...everything u said is true...I'll just pray about the situation...

But the thing is he just made a mistake like any other human being may do...I still have fun with girl friends that are sexually active but I dont participate in their activity. I dont even drink or smoke. So does that mean I shouldnt hang around them? now dont get me wrong, I do have good girl and guys friends to hang around too but this guy I met, I dont consider him to be a bad person just because he messed up by impregnanting a girl...