Where Did I Go Wrong???

Op this story sounds similar to something I went through with a dude. We were more than "buddy buddy", but not "together". Before you even revealed that y'all did kiss and all that, I understood exactly what you meant by the situation. Negros is out here playing the middle. Ugh. in my case he didn't have a gf, and I was the one that ended things because I realized that he wanted a forever bed warmer.

Not trying to hijack, but your story just gave me more clarity. Smdh.
 
@keyawarren, let it out girl! No hijacking here. I've mostly gotten it out of my system. All of you can feel free to tell ya stories. I know there are more than a few out there. Trifling azs knee-gros.

keyawarren said:
Op this story sounds similar to something I went through with a dude. We were more than "buddy buddy", but not "together". Before you even revealed that y'all did kiss and all that, I understood exactly what you meant by the situation. Negros is out here playing the middle. Ugh. in my case he didn't have a gf, and I was the one that ended things because I realized that he wanted a forever bed warmer.

Not trying to hijack, but your story just gave me more clarity. Smdh.
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curlicarib said:
Looking back, you're right.
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What I am also understanding is trusting our feelings. Not the omg he is cute and I have butterflies feelings, but the hmmm I feel something is slightly off or I'm not sure where I stand with this person or things seem right but I feel somewhat confused. And often the answer is not with the guy because often once these questions are posed they regroup and create a distraction or new tactic to keep you hooked. And sometimes our particular group of friends may not "get it" either and encourage us to give it time etc. vs. encouraging us to trust our instincts. Just talking out loud.
 
curlicarib said:
Uh oh, one of our friends just texted me and asked me to stop by his place after work. And he told me not to tell anyone. Think the two of them are planning an ambush?? I hope not, because neither of them want any of this right now.
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I'm not going anywhere when ppl expicitly not to tell any one..

next thing I'm the headline on the nightly news

MISSING: CURLICARIB

Nope..
 
curlicarib said:
@keyawarren, let it out girl! No hijacking here. I've mostly gotten it out of my system. All of you can feel free to tell ya stories. I know there are more than a few out there. Trifling azs knee-gros.
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Its so funny cus I was in another posters inbox lamenting about it awhile back. I told her I'm pretty sure that I'm not imagining this relationship. There are things that "just friends" don't do. Also, in my case, he clammed up regarding the talk, and admitted that he wanted to continue on in our fashion :lachen:. Closed mouths don't get fed, right?
 
yeah women do this often and they "hang out" with a man for long periods of time as friends but the guy goes on a finds a woman he can be more than friends with

op seemed to want something different...men want a gf not just friends but women friend zone men often and then they flip the script and they are hurt...

3 yrs is a long time to be going on with all this..no sex but just friends....the communication was off..if you wanted more than that should've been known but it wasn't because you were hanging out with him as a friend.

your in your 20's so understandable. a bit naive but you will be just fine OP


nlamr2013 said:
I don't 100 percent get why you're mad.
You seemed to friend zone him and he went and found himself a girlfriend.


Are you strictly opposed to speaking with him openly? No one here could ever know really what went wrong if anything because we aren't him. There's a slew of reasons and possibilities that the ladies here could only theorize.

But just going off my understanding
For 3 years you rejected his advances, only saw him as a coworker, and didn't want to date. Then I guess the end of last year(?) Realized you would be open to dating him and accepted his offer to go out. Been getting to know each other for the past 8 months or so. Making plans etc you assumed this was leading to relationship he never pursued one? Now he has a new gf?
Am I getting that right?
If so I can think of a few reasons for what happened. I don't think anything went wrong, though.


He could have realized that he didn't want a relationship ( for whatever reason) with you but enjoys your company and doesn't want to mess that up.
Or
It could be like your friend said he wanted to color and you didn't.


I hope you feel better op
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Please read the OP again. This started last August, not 3 years ago.

lux10023 said:
yeah women do this often and they "hang out" with a man for long periods of time as friends but the guy goes on a finds a woman he can be more than friends with

op seemed to want something different...men want a gf not just friends but women friend zone men often and then they flip the script and they are hurt...

3 yrs is a long time to be going on with all this..no sex but just friends....the communication was off..if you wanted more than that should've been known but it wasn't because you were hanging out with him as a friend.

your in your 20's so understandable. a bit naive but you will be just fine OP
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@curlicarib I really think you should not respond by reading him the riot act. Now I realize that you are your own person but this is just my opinion in the matter. Even if he comes to you with an explanation your best play is to nodd, and with a saccharine smile say, "Thanks for letting me know . Is there anything else? Because I want to talk about X (some business related thing)" He knows what he did wrong. He doesn't need a play by play. And this way he doesn't get your "emotions" and he doesn't know that he got the better of you. He will know you don't play that and that you know he's full of ish, and he knows it too point blank. He'll also know that he can't play you like an accordian. He knew what he was doing with his push pull kiss b.s. So now he wants the relationship while he gets to run off with his girl into the sunset. Nope. He gets none, as you've already implied.

So I would only repeat that if he brings up things again and give him the same b.s smile, so he knows I know he's full of it, and I would always keep it business like. Basically he'll know that door is closed for good, and he'll have no closure on it or anything. You light into him and he'll justify it saying you were crazy and it was all in your head, meanwhile he knows good darn well he was making out with you and that's not in your head. I wouldn't listen to anything about the not having sex thing. I didn't have sex with my ex fiance (and he's an ex only by my choice [and had to do with his overbearing mother nothing else]. I mention this because he is still trying to get back with me so the idea that a relationship has to have sex at a specific point is b.s because when a guy wants you he will wait for you). I also never had a problem with any other guy who really wanted to be with me in reference to that. Women think they have to swing by poles for men. Nah you need their heart period then they'll do anything for you as well as wait as long as you need..

I realize you would not wait forever (unlike my celibate till marriage self) from the tone of your posts... but the point is the right guy will wait until you are ready period and he will of course also make sure the relationship isn't ambiguous without you having to bring it up at all. Guys, when they want you, will let you know period. Being ambiguous is when they aren't sure themselves. This is why I think we as women should understand that unless he's claimed with his mouth that it's official...it isn't.

Some men are ambiguous, others state their intentions and back them by making it official. Only the ones who state their intentions and back it matter (if that's what you're looking for and I am assuming it is just like me). Unless I hear it (and of course their actions follow) then I assume that everything is b.s no matter how much they butter me up. I move on. It's both actions and words. In the end your guy's actions didn't match anyways (he has another girl) but he also did not stake his claim. We can never be sure because there are some manipulators out there but the best bet is to watch their actions AND their words to see if they align. He should've made it official long ago without you having to bring up a talk. But I digress. At any rate here's hoping the right guy is out there for you somewhere soon! :)
 
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I haven't read through this entire thread but I just wanted to say from what I have read this guy tried it. This might be far fetched but to me it seems like he was trying to check you off his hit list. He was dating you and the other woman at the same time (no issues there.) The problem is what information he chose to omit. He probably did not jump into a relationship with that other woman. He was courting her just like he was courting you but instead of her coming to his house he went to hers. He was dating her and feeling her but still wanted to get with you. In his mind mentioning her would have gotten him further away from touching your pink pearl. Men are hunters they go after what they want so if he wanted to be in a relationship with you he would have made it known with actions and words. He was doing what he thought he needed to do until he could get what he wanted from you. When she became his girlfriend he didn't mention her because he was hoping he could get you before you found out, that is why he was embarrassed when you found out about his relationship without him telling you. Trust and believe he is still pursuing you, just from a different angle. From the post he seems manipulative and shady. At this point I'm good on him and I'm glad you are too.
 
curlicarib said:
Uh oh, one of our friends just texted me and asked me to stop by his place after work. And he told me not to tell anyone. Think the two of them are planning an ambush?? I hope not, because neither of them want any of this right now.
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How did it go?

I have a different perspective on this than everyone else but i dont feel like typing it out because it's after midnight.
 
curlicarib said:
You are absolutely correct and at my age, I should have known better. But our relationship was so good that it never occurred to me that we were anything but.
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That's how women think. Men need a verbal agreement before they think it's anything more.

The fact that you were spending a lot of time together doing things I consider only a significant other would do (or someone he's interested in making a significant other), it seems he eventually wanted more out of the friendship and was waiting on you to move it forward but you never really did. I guess he was trying to respect your boundaries since you took it so slow in the beginning and was so oblivious to his coming-on to you. He probably ended up meeting this other girl and it naturally progressed from there. Should he have told you? Absolutely. But men.

Glad you moved on from him so quickly and you're continuing to live your life.
 
You liked each other and enjoyed time together, but weren't exclusive. That doesn't mean he shouldn't have told you what happened though.

This is why I am so into knowledge is power etc... Assumptions in any area of life can mess you up and disappoint. I think he should have had the courage ask you questions if he needed to know more. I'm sorry this happened, you will learn something from it at least.
 
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@GeorginaSparks, please come back and give your thoughts. I'd love to hear them.

It was just my friend, his girl and his mother. We spent a few hours hashing through this situation. Drank, laughed, cried. Got some words of wisdom from his mom. He was baffled as to why I was so upset because he thought we were just friends. I'm very private about my relationships and so is GG, so this friend (let's call him Jr for clarity) didn't get the hurt I'm feeling. He was actually laughing thinking I was blowing things out of proportion.

I explained to Jr and company that I take a really long time to trust and let men in (those I consider relationship material). GG did the foot work and got under my guard. I showed them our text/phone history (the concert was September 11) and they were flabbergasted by the clear evidence of his pursuit. The log clearly shows that he initiated all contact during the first weeks. The sheer number of calls and texts from then till now is unbelievable. Then Jr dropped a bomb on me. He told me that GG told him earlier this week that he met someone and he's interested in her.

I swear, I felt like I was being betrayed all over again. Me, his GF and his mother just stared at him in complete shock. He told me that he didn't realize the we were so serious and he would have told me had he known. I laid into him. His GF laid into him. His mother laid into him.

Anyway, his take on the situation:
1. GG went through a bad divorce several years ago and he's gun shy.
2. GG is a very quiet, laid back kind of guy and probably wanted more encouragement to move forward.
3. I should have made my feelings more clearly known.
4. I should talk to him and let him explain himself.
5. He thinks this thing with this girl temporary and he'll be back.

His GF thinks I should talk to him also, but then kick him to the curb. His mom thinks I should let him explain himself and depending on how he acquits himself, MAYBE give him another chance after he puts in some effort and works for it.

I'm going to talk to him and see how he explains himself. Then I'm never going to talk to him outside of work again.

@luckiestdestiny, I have no intentions of getting loud with him. In my mind, this is an exit interview and I'll handle it as such. I really don't what to get involved with anyone else anytime soon. I'll just stick with disposable men for the time being.

GeorginaSparks said:
How did it go?

I have a different perspective on this than everyone else but i dont feel like typing it out because it's after midnight.
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Leylu said:
it seems he eventually wanted more out of the friendship and was waiting on you to move it forward but you never really did. I guess he was trying to respect your boundaries since you took it so slow in the beginning and was so oblivious to his coming-on to you. He probably ended up meeting this other girl and it naturally progressed from there. Should he have told you? Absolutely. But men.
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Yes, this is what i think happened too. Oct- May is a long time to be holding hands and making out (if you're not 18 and/or plan to remain a virgin until marriage). Things didn't seem to be progressing , and he met someone else and things got serious with them quickly.

He doesn't sound like a bad guy.....lots of people chicken out and just fade to black in situations like this, only problem is that you guys work together so that approach was bound to fail

ETA : im not saying that you should have slept with him earlier, just what everybody already said about having "the talk"so that y'all would be on the same page
 
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I'm not looking for marriage. In fact, I wasn't looking for anything before he came along.

I was quite happy with my ocassional fcuk buddy. He came along and messed with my life and head and got me thinking about a relationship with him. If he had said up front he just wanted to fcuk that would have been fine with me. Then I would have known not to catch feelings.


JFK said:
Oh! Didn't know he went through a bad divorce several years ago.

He's not ready. He'll use you for companionship for years without getting remarried - even if you are his girlfriend.
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You must be young, because how could you not tell this guy wasn't into you. He might have been initially, but probably only as a quick "Fcuk". It took me years to realize this (mixed with my study of psychology) that if a man doesn't explicitly stated exclusivity or make you his girlfriend, then trust and believe he doesn't want more from you.

You were probably a good female friend to talk and hangout with (since you stated he was divorce) he was probably still in the grieving stage , but if a man doesn't make it clear he wants more, you don't need to assume. He was just not that into you, period.
 
Didn't read all the comments so I'm not sure if I'm being redundant but in order for any relationship to work, you have to be clear on the intentions and that can only happen if you communicate openly. When you decided that you like him more than a friend you should've stated that clearly and talked openly about what both of your expectations were for the relationship. If you wanted a relationship you should've stated early on that I am looking for a relationship not a friendship and he would've responded accordingly (meaning he would be in or out). Men aren't mind readers so if you don't make things crystal clear you will find yourself on the disappointed end of the stick. Most of us have been there, so I'd cut my loses, be friendly for professional reasons and learn from the situation.
 
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Lol! No, I'm not young and neither is he. That's why I stated up thread that I should have kown better. And his divorce was in 2004, so he does not get to use that as an excuse. If he wasn't into me, he did a damn fine imitation.

I accept that I did stupid. Thanks for the straight talk.

**SaSSy** said:
You must be young, because how could you not tell this guy wasn't into you. He might have been initially, but probably only as a quick "Fcuk". It took me years to realize this (mixed with my study of psychology) that if a man doesn't explicitly stated exclusivity or make you his girlfriend, then trust and believe he doesn't want more from you.

You were probably a good female friend to talk and hangout with (since you stated he was divorce) he was probably still in the grieving stage , but if a man doesn't make it clear he wants more, you don't need to assume. He was just not that into you, period.
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GodivaChocolate said:
Didn't read all the comments so I'm not sure if I'm being redundant but in order for any relationship to work, you have to be clear on the intentions and that can only happen if you communicate openly. When you decided that you like him more than a friend you should've stated that clearly and talked openly about what both of your expectations were for the relationship. If you wanted a relationship you should've stated early on that I am looking for a relationship not a friendship and he would've responded accordingly (meaning he would be in or out). Men aren't mind readers so if you don't make things crystal clear you will find yourself on the disappointed end of the stick. Most of us have been there, so I'd cut my loses, be friendly for professional reasons and learn from the situation.
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Oh and to elaborate, I would suggest not dating a guy you work with. Now if ya worked in a office building, but different company that's cool, but it sucks hardcore when you still have feelings for someone you currently work with and it goes south.
 
curlicarib said:
This is my number one rule. He really snuck in under the radar and I took a chance. Silly me. Never again.
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Ok do you mean not taking a change at loving again period or not taking a chance with someone at work?

Cuz I would hate for that dackhole to prevent you from trying again with someone who tickles your fancy.
 
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