Where Did I Go Wrong???

God_Favor said:
I agree, but over analyzing get us in predicaments that stifle us. And most of the time the over analyzing leads too " he really likes/loves me he just can't show, too scared...." And sometime it true, especially when the actions match... But for situations when you are analyzing mistreatment , it's usually the person is showing you all you need to know
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I'm not disagreeing with you. I just don't think that's what's happening here.
 
Lol! Once again - no.

Something happened to me that traumatized me. I'm trying to work it out. Normally, every thing that I've written here would be part of my inner monologue. But, for the first time ever, I decided to avail myself of the large and diverse opinions of the wonderful ladies on this Board, and they came through for me.

Yes, I keep analyzing all of our interactions. Isn't that what people do when they are trying to work through something? Do I still like him in some way? Yes. We were very good friends for months and I enjoyed him and his company. Does that mean I want to still be with him or maintain our friendship? Not any more.

This happened to me last Wednesday. A week later, with the help of the ladies on this Board, I have worked it out and come to a final decision and made resolution. I apologize if that wasn't fast enough for you. Some of us need more than 24hrs to work through emotional upheavals.

And since you mentioned it, I have several male friends. What exactly does that have to do with any of this?

I know you said that you studied psychology, if so, I'm surprised at your comments. You've missed the mark twice with me so far. People go to therapy for months, sometimes years, I don't think I did too bad coming to a resolution in 7 days.


**SaSSy** said:
Wow, this thread is still continuing :look: I'm starting to see you like his attention whether its romantic, work, personal, friendship, or other wise. I know you claim you and him got mutual friends, but the way you keep analyzing ya'll interactions proves you still like him in some way. If you didn't you wouldn't discuss the daily conversation or interactions. Maybe you should become friends with another guy.
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Girl you are fine, you don't have to explain. We don't mind being here for you. It's definitely a process. This has been going on close to a year, so you'll definitely need time to sort it all out. As long as you're done and see it for what it is, feel free to vent, analyze etc.

The ladies on this board have been a godsend to me, and others I'm sure! Whether agreeing or disagreeing, it's always nice to have other opinions.
 
Black Ambrosia said:
To be fair, most of us in the thread were wondering what happened next. She's keeping us updated. Also, she's enjoying the petty she's serving. It's part of the healing process. I think you're reading too much into it.
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Oh okay to the part in bold :look:, but on some for real stuff, the real healing begins when you met a new guy.

That guy ain't typing and sitting around asking his friends or other guys about her. That's why men move on with their lives, while women sit on the couch and wondering what went wrong.
 
curlicarib said:
Lol! Once again - no.

Something happened to me that traumatized me. I'm trying to work it out. Normally, every thing that I've written here would be part of my inner monologue. But, for the first time ever, I decided to avail myself of the large and diverse opinions of the wonderful ladies on this Board, and they came through for me.

Yes, I keep analyzing all of our interactions. Isn't that what people do when they are trying to work through something? Do I still like him in some way? Yes. We were very good friends for months and I enjoyed him and his company. Does that mean I want to still be with him or maintain our friendship? Not any more.

This happened to me last Wednesday. A week later, with the help of the ladies on this Board, I have worked it out and come to a final decision and made resolution. I apologize if that wasn't fast enough for you. Some of us need more than 24hrs to work through emotional upheavals.

And since you mentioned it, I have several male friends. What exactly does that have that have to do with any of this?

I know you said that you studied psychology, if so, I'm surprised at your comments. You've missed the mark twice with me so far. People go to therapy for months, sometimes years, I don't think I did too bad coming to a resolution in 7 days.
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At this point, its less about Psychology and more about moving on. This isn't a diss to anyone who needs time to "heal" but you can "heal" and meet new people IRL at the same damn time.
 
I just wish to add:

You can't put a timeline on someone's healing.

So when someone is hurt they should be afforded how ever much time they need to heal and get over it. No one else should ascertain when that person should be over whatever it is. Just because it may have taken them x amount of time does not mean that that is the same for everyone else.
 
I appreciate curlicarib for being so open about all of this and sharing with us. She got the advice and support she needed and deserved. The rest of us gained interesting insight. It's all good. Please feel free to update us over the coming days and weeks. We enjoy being here for you.
 
curlicarib said:
Lol! Once again - no.

Something happened to me that traumatized me. I'm trying to work it out. Normally, every thing that I've written here would be part of my inner monologue. But, for the first time ever, I decided to avail myself of the large and diverse opinions of the wonderful ladies on this Board, and they came through for me.

Yes, I keep analyzing all of our interactions. Isn't that what people do when they are trying to work through something? Do I still like him in some way? Yes. We were very good friends for months and I enjoyed him and his company. Does that mean I want to still be with him or maintain our friendship? Not any more.

This happened to me last Wednesday. A week later, with the help of the ladies on this Board, I have worked it out and come to a final decision and made resolution. I apologize if that wasn't fast enough for you. Some of us need more than 24hrs to work through emotional upheavals.

And since you mentioned it, I have several male friends. What exactly does that have that have to do with any of this?

I know you said that you studied psychology, if so, I'm surprised at your comments. You've missed the mark twice with me so far. People go to therapy for months, sometimes years, I don't think I did too bad coming to a resolution in 7 days.
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Please always feel free to vent and share. Real post like this keeps this place alive. Keep us posted.
 
@**SaSSy** I promise, I'm not being snarky.

It's been one week. 7 days. Can I catch my breath? Can I meet new guys at my own pace? I'm an engineer not a psychologist, but I do know that healing begins when you accept your loss. I don't need a new man to heal me. I need to get my head all the way right or I'll carry this baggage into my next relationship.

I have no problems socializing and meeting new people. That doesn't mean I want to get involved with someone else tomorrow. When I'm ready and the right man for me comes along I'll happily explore something with him. Until then, I'm fine just being with me and my friends.

Thank you for your advise.


**SaSSy** said:
Oh okay to the part in bold :look:, but on some for real stuff, the real healing begins when you met a new guy.

That guy ain't typing and sitting around asking his friends or other guys about her. That's why men move on with their lives, while women sit on the couch and wondering what went wrong.
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**SaSSy** said:
At this point, its less about Psychology and more about moving on. This isn't a diss to anyone who needs time to "heal" but you can "heal" and meet new people IRL at the same damn time.
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OP take your time and vent. Some people come in these threads randomly...don't keep up with conversation and then put in there 2 cents. I've been reading from the beginning and u have done a great job updating us. I like threads like these that get updated in real time...instead of a post for advice and then we never hear what happens afterwards. I like hearing about the aftermath of what happens when u take advice from here. Or perhaps there are some of us out here who need to be ignoring a certain man and your updates are giving us strength to do so. So take as long as u need to heal. Type and vent all u want. And move on to the next man when you are ready. It's pretty obvious you are still in healing and don't let anyone rush u into thinking u need to find a new one pronto. Cuz sometimes that's also a recipe for disaster if u haven't figured out yourself your mishaps before getting into something new....

So proceed....
 
I'm late to this thread...but nevertheless mad for you OP. So yeah....I totally understand if you're squinting a him wanting to :boxing:

But...I think...honestly...you're more hurt as a friend than as a potential girlfriend. It seems like you had more of a friendship with this guy and from what you wrote. It's less that he had a girlfriend in the shadows...than that others knew about her and his house when that was something as a friend he would have shared with you first.

I get the romantic feelings being hurt...but if you were that into him (as you may have even thought) I think you would have made your feelings more known. If you can wrap your mind around the thought that you really didn't like him like that...you'll be able to see you really didn't lose all that you think you did.
 
**SaSSy** said:
Oh okay to the part in bold :look:, but on some for real stuff, the real healing begins when you met a new guy.

That guy ain't typing and sitting around asking his friends or other guys about her. That's why men move on with their lives, while women sit on the couch and wondering what went wrong.
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No, it doesnt. That's masking the pain, not dealing with it. That's how people end up being disingenuous with the next person because they are still dealing with the mess left by the last one...rushing into some mess to prove you aight. That's ego based.
 
thanks, @ElizaBlue. No, I was really into him as a boyfriend/ relationship material. We were really good friends, but for me that was a springboard to more. I'm doing much better now, and it helps that I don't see him for 5 days then I'm off for the next three weeks. So basically, a month without him around. should be good by the time I get back.
ElizaBlue said:
I'm late to this thread...but nevertheless mad for you OP. So yeah....I totally understand if you're squinting a him wanting to :boxing:

But...I think...honestly...you're more hurt as a friend than as a potential girlfriend. It seems like you had more of a friendship with this guy and from what you wrote. It's less that he had a girlfriend in the shadows...than that others knew about her and his house when that was something as a friend he would have shared with you first.

I get the romantic feelings being hurt...but if you were that into him (as you may have even thought) I think you would have made your feelings more known. If you can wrap your mind around the thought that you really didn't like him like that...you'll be able to see you really didn't lose all that you think you did.
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@mstar

"The only thing I would advise going forward is to be more open with your feelings. Don't be afraid to say things like, "it feels so good spending time with you," or "I feel so excited to talk to you every morning," or "I love how safe and secure I feel when you walk me to my door after dinner." Every moment is an opportunity to tell him how you feel in that moment, and men fall in love from their heart centers when you allow them to see your heart. Nothing more than that is required...it's just a really authentic way of connecting with a man by being yourself."

I needed to be reminded of that. Thanks!
 
^^^ This is so random but I just saw something similar in an insurance textbook. I'm studying for a work related designation and the class is on insurance and the law. Basically it says that if a contract is written ambiguously then any ruling will be in favor of the party who didn't write the contract.

I know. Random af.
 
Fine 4s said:
@mstar

"The only thing I would advise going forward is to be more open with your feelings. Don't be afraid to say things like, "it feels so good spending time with you," or "I feel so excited to talk to you every morning," or "I love how safe and secure I feel when you walk me to my door after dinner." Every moment is an opportunity to tell him how you feel in that moment, and men fall in love from their heart centers when you allow them to see your heart. Nothing more than that is required...it's just a really authentic way of connecting with a man by being yourself."

I needed to be reminded of that. Thanks!
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What? Why? If a man wants you he'll come get you. Unless you want to be chasing him for the rest of your relationship. The chase may not be literal but he'll be thinking he's the prize. If you're not set up for that, remember, a man leaves his parents and cleaves onto you. We don't have to do the leg work.
 
Idk what's going on here. I haven't read every post but healing takes time. It's not always best to meet new people when the wound is fresh. You can't be your whole self with new people and it's not fair to bring them into a messed up situation either. When I had my heart broken, I spent a nearly a year getting to know myself and fixing things in me before I entertained anyone new. How could I? I would spontaneously burst into tears for months, sometimes in public. I couldn't bring anyone new into that mess.
 
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curlicarib said:
@GeorginaSparks, please come back and give your thoughts. I'd love to hear them.

It was just my friend, his girl and his mother. We spent a few hours hashing through this situation. Drank, laughed, cried. Got some words of wisdom from his mom. He was baffled as to why I was so upset because he thought we were just friends. I'm very private about my relationships and so is GG, so this friend (let's call him Jr for clarity) didn't get the hurt I'm feeling. He was actually laughing thinking I was blowing things out of proportion.

I explained to Jr and company that I take a really long time to trust and let men in (those I consider relationship material). GG did the foot work and got under my guard. I showed them our text/phone history (the concert was September 11) and they were flabbergasted by the clear evidence of his pursuit. The log clearly shows that he initiated all contact during the first weeks. The sheer number of calls and texts from then till now is unbelievable. Then Jr dropped a bomb on me. He told me that GG told him earlier this week that he met someone and he's interested in her.

I swear, I felt like I was being betrayed all over again. Me, his GF and his mother just stared at him in complete shock. He told me that he didn't realize the we were so serious and he would have told me had he known. I laid into him. His GF laid into him. His mother laid into him.

Anyway, his take on the situation:
1. GG went through a bad divorce several years ago and he's gun shy.
2. GG is a very quiet, laid back kind of guy and probably wanted more encouragement to move forward.
3. I should have made my feelings more clearly known.
4. I should talk to him and let him explain himself.
5. He thinks this thing with this girl temporary and he'll be back.

His GF thinks I should talk to him also, but then kick him to the curb. His mom thinks I should let him explain himself and depending on how he acquits himself, MAYBE give him another chance after he puts in some effort and works for it.

I'm going to talk to him and see how he explains himself. Then I'm never going to talk to him outside of work again.

@luckiestdestiny, I have no intentions of getting loud with him. In my mind, this is an exit interview and I'll handle it as such. I really don't what to get involved with anyone else anytime soon. I'll just stick with disposable men for the time being.
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Girl where are you located? This sounds like the guy I was dealing with and we stopped seeing each other in January. Only difference is we were sleeping together. We had been "dating" for 8 months and I believe he went back to his ex fiancé which I didn't know about at the time.
 
I'm in the Eastern Sierra Mountains..........

leona2025 said:
Girl where are you located? This sounds like the guy I was dealing with and we stopped seeing each other in January. Only difference is we were sleeping together. We had been "dating" for 8 months and I believe he went back to his ex fiancé which I didn't know about at the time.
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**SaSSy** said:
Oh okay to the part in bold :look:, but on some for real stuff, the real healing begins when you met a new guy.

That guy ain't typing and sitting around asking his friends or other guys about her. That's why men move on with their lives, while women sit on the couch and wondering what went wrong.
Click to expand...

Chrismiss said:
No, it doesnt. That's masking the pain, not dealing with it. That's how people end up being disingenuous with the next person because they are still dealing with the mess left by the last one...rushing into some mess to prove you aight. That's ego based.
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I concur. I was never a fan of the advice that to get over a man is to get under another one. I've tried it before and when things didn't work out with that person (more than likely due to unresolved issues), all I did was default back to the hurt the original person gave me (since I never gave myself the time to process it and closure). I know it seems like this is the antidote when it comes to men (in addition to them moving on quickly) but men and women truly are different.
 
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Curli, I admire you, but please do not chase him like he's the greatest thing that's ever walked this earth. I have not read through the entire thread, but he was wrong for leading you on.
If he wasn't wrong, he wouldn't have anything to hide nor feel uncomfortable when you found out about his new "love" interest. I'm glad that you didn't give up the cookies, and should be saved for a man that's knows and appreciates your worth.

Take time to mourn and move on with your life.
Working out, reading, and journal your inner thoughts have always helped the healing process.
You are an intelligent woman and there are a lot of men that would cherish you, and you wouldn't be confused about your relationship status.

Remember,* If a man wants you, you will know; if he doesn't want you, you will know...in both cases, you will know and shouldn't be any surprises.*

Best of luck to you and thank you for sharing.
 
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