Where Did I Go Wrong???

curlicarib said:
I absolutely do not want a deceitful man in my life! I definitely don't want him at all costs. I'm fine letting him go. I guess, I just want to know if I read things wrong? Was he in it only for the friendship from the beginning and I saw something that wasn't there? If that's the case, he fooled everybody. Just yesterday, a coworker said straight up "he's your man and you know it". And he wasn't the first one to make that comment to me or him.

I think the idea of me being that wrong has me a bit shook. How could I have read this situation sooooooo wrong???

On another note - he just came by my office. I was polite and discussed work. He mentioned that we were supposed to attend a friends graduation on Monday. I'm going, but not with him. He said he has things to do afterwards. I told him have fun with that. I'm not going to bite.
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I actually don't think you read the situation wrong per se. I mean, why was this guy showing you so much attention? He obviously wanted to get to know you better.

The only thing missing (I guess would be him stating his intention of what he planned to do once you both got more acquainted). I BELIEVE, he was holding off on making his intention known. Which I don't think you should have asked him, ya know? Just peep that he never mentioned.

It's ok to be hurt. You probably were interested in exploring a relationship, AND THAT'S OK. You didn't lose any skin off of your teeth. This is an ego bruise but you've seen how he operates.

If possible get busy with other things. I personally wouldn't entertain a friendship but if you must remain acquaintances so be it.

I think you did everything right in this case. Don't second guess yourself.
 
Itgirl said:
yo... this is never something you should assume...

for most men that is a conversation....

but then every one is different..

I'm the type that unless the dude brings the conversation to the table I will let him know I;m still entertaining all comers...
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This is so true. If a guy is interested he will bring it up. Otherwise, still entertain others (I probably wouldn't announce it but be discreet)
 
@Lymegreen, Thank you!! This is exactly what I've been thinking, but when we are hurting, we sometimes lie to ourselves, so I needed to hear it from someone else. I really don't want to be friends with him. I just can't see him the same way anymore. I will talk to him in a few days. Now that the initial shock has worn off, I need to do an exit interview. LOL!

Lymegreen said:
I actually don't think you read the situation wrong per se. I mean, why was this guy showing you so much attention? He obviously wanted to get to know you better.

The only thing missing (I guess would be him stating his intention of what he planned to do once you both got more acquainted). I BELIEVE, he was holding off on making his intention known. Which I don't think you should have asked him, ya know? Just peep that he never mentioned.

It's ok to be hurt. You probably were interested in exploring a relationship, AND THAT'S OK. You didn't lose any skin off of your teeth. This is an ego bruise but you've seen how he operates.

If possible get busy with other things. I personally wouldn't entertain a friendship but if you must remain acquaintances so be it.

I think you did everything right in this case. Don't second guess yourself.
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curlicarib said:
She had to be. Otherwise, they moved extra fast because he was talking about going "home" to her house yesterday. That's how I found out about them - I over heard a conversation between him and one of his coworkers. Afterwards, I asked the coworker if he moved and he told me no, he's talking about going to his girlfriend's house. He was standing right there and practically turned into a beet. He hasn't made eye contact since.
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Your dude was standing right there? Why didn't you ask him?
 
If you didn't agree to be exclusive, you weren't. There is no in between.
No reason to be mad at him for that part since there was never a conversation.
I would be irritated about him not mentioning having a girlfriend though. I bet if you tried to have sex with him the week prior, he still wouldn't have mentioned her.

It reads like you friend zoned him.
 
Chrismiss said:
Your dude was standing right there? Why didn't you ask him?
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I had to speak to his coworker for a work matter. They were talking and then the coworker turned to me and started another conversation. After our conversation, I mentioned that Great Guy was speeding on the way home last night. He rides a motorcycle and is usually a cautious driver. He (GG) said he was in a rush to get home. I said, "you weren't headed home (he passed his turnoff), where were you headed"? in a conversational manner. Coworker said, nah, his new house. I looked at GG and said, "you moved"? Shocked because until a few weeks ago, we were still looking at houses. Coworker said, "no, his new girlfriend's house". Great Guy didn't have a chance to jump in and cover. The hemming and hawing and turning red and lack of eye contact commenced.
 
I think you did nothing wrong with rejecting his advances in the beginning if you were not ready.

But when you two started to go back and forth with the texting, you should have been forthcoming not in ultimatums but in telling him what you wanted before you started to bond and to give him a chance to skip out if he didn't want to date you seriously. Not just go along for the ride. Sometimes, we as women are afraid to articulate what we want from the start hoping the actions will match the intentions. The truth is that you should from the beginning say what you want and not play games.

That happened to a very close friend of mine. She learnt from the start that clarity is best. Men are not too bright. Now she has a great boyfriend and soon to be fiancee from her new relationship.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
Thanks @almond eyes. I think you're right. I wanted the full relationship with him, but was determined that he set the pace. I should have stated what I wanted earlier on so that I could have avoided this hurt. My fault entirely. I will just have to add this experience to my Book of Life and move on. Unfortunately, there is a void in my life now and I don't know how to fill it. I think I'm going to drive to Death Valley this weekend. Nothing like 10 hours of music pumped up to the max and a road trip to take your mind off your troubles.

almond eyes said:
I think you did nothing wrong with rejecting his advances in the beginning if you were not ready.

But when you two started to go back and forth with the texting, you should have been forthcoming not in ultimatums but in telling him what you wanted before you started to bond and to give him a chance to skip out if he didn't want to date you seriously. Not just go along for the ride. Sometimes, we as women are afraid to articulate what we want from the start hoping the actions will match the intentions. The truth is that you should from the beginning say what you want and not play games.

That happened to a very close friend of mine. She learnt from the start that clarity is best. Men are not too bright. Now she has a great boyfriend and soon to be fiancee from her new relationship.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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These men are b!tchmade. They need to man up and tell us their feelings, ask for exclusivity, and tell us where they see the relationship going period. You did nothing wrong. New girlfriend probably approached him and did all the leg work. You're too good for all that nonsense .
 
curlicarib said:
I had to speak to his coworker for a work matter. They were talking and then the coworker turned to me and started another conversation. After our conversation, I mentioned that Great Guy was speeding on the way home last night. He rides a motorcycle and is usually a cautious driver. He (GG) said he was in a rush to get home. I said, "you weren't headed home (he passed his turnoff), where were you headed"? in a conversational manner. Coworker said, nah, his new house. I looked at GG and said, "you moved"? Shocked because until a few weeks ago, we were still looking at houses. Coworker said, "no, his new girlfriend's house". Great Guy didn't have a chance to jump in and cover. The hemming and hawing and turning red and lack of eye contact commenced.
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Woooow, ok. Maybe something in you was telling you to hang back and see what this guy is about. I don't see where you read it wrong. He might be the type that wants someone to throw the panties at him(wack), so that he doesn't have to do the heavy lifting. I don't know, this may be a blessing in disguise. It's also telling that new chick's house is already called "his home." I bet that mess won't last because he's too quick to be claiming someone as his "girlfriend" and "their home." I'm calling BS on him.
 
Glad you didn't have sex with him :). Girl you didn't go wrong :nono:. And you definitely should not have initiated sex. I think he liked you and enjoyed spending time with you but was being cautious because you two worked together and he probably didn't want to risk hurting you. So he wasted your time as a filler until he found someone that was more of a romantic match. Maybe she initiated sex, maybe not. But who cares? If you were the one he wanted you would have known exactly where you stood. I honestly wouldn't suggest asking where things stood etc. I just wouldn't let someone take up so much of my time if we weren't official/exclusive. I wouldn't have been so available to someone if I wasn't sure where we stood or where we were going.
 
curlicarib said:
I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at me for COMPLETELY reading this relationship wrong and getting my own feelings hurt.
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Don't be, babe. Guys do this sometimes, for all different types of reasons. I know you want to understand what went wrong, but it's a losing battle to try and figure it out. Just charge it to the game, and be glad that you dodged this bullet.

You did the right thing by standing back and waiting for him to make the first move. And he had plenty of time to do so, if he was truly interested. The fact that he never kissed you, claimed you as his girlfriend, or made any moves, shows that he was just using you for companionship and an ego stroke.

The only thing I would advise going forward is to be more open with your feelings. Don't be afraid to say things like, "it feels so good spending time with you," or "I feel so excited to talk to you every morning," or "I love how safe and secure I feel when you walk me to my door after dinner." Every moment is an opportunity to tell him how you feel in that moment, and men fall in love from their heart centers when you allow them to see your heart. Nothing more than that is required...it's just a really authentic way of connecting with a man by being yourself.

You're handling this really well! Hugs to you...
 
Also, I think you two just never got off on the right foot. You may also be feeling regret over the 15 years spent with the first guy and thinking if you'd moved on sooner, you and this new guy might have had a shot. But you can't change the past or predict the future. You probably need a little time to enjoy your own time and make some good girlfriends. Get out, party, have fun, enjoy your life. This guy is not worth your energy.
 
@curlicarib it doesn't matter if you feel you did something wrong, he did wrong, etc., the end result is the same - you are hurt. And that sucks! :( It's ok to be in your feelings right now. Let it out and learn from this.

I'm an introvert, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I've always been very straightforward. I only dated 2 guys before dh. With those 2, I wasn't feeling them like they felt me. I let them know right away and we both were able to move on. I've also been on the other side and was crazy about this one guy who strung me along for months before I figured out he wasn't into me. :oops:

Should he have said something about having a girlfriend? Yes. Could you have been more open with your growing feelings? Sure. But, what does that matter now?

I'm sorry you're hurting. Do whatever you need to do to heal from this experience.
 
RocStar said:
Always have the talk...are we in an exclusive relationship or not? This way you don't read him wrong and he doesn't read you wrong....And you both know where you stand. Don't guess, ask.
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I learnt this the hard way.

Now, I straight up let them know, unless you broach a conversation which includes 'I want us to be exclusive', 'I want you to be my girlfriend' etc coming from his mouth (cause I don't do the asking)...then we are nothing but friends. Friends who like each other a lot, but at the core of it still friends. Which means I am still single and operate as such. Deal with it. If you don't like that, then change it.

Ambiguity gets you hurt.

Men compartmentalise their life easily. We may be going out, meeting each other's friends and family, even being intimate...that means nothing in the grand scheme of thingsin his mind if he hasn't declared you his girlfriend out loud. Women on the other hand, not so much. We want to believe that BECAUSE he does all the above it signifies that he is 'ours' and that he feels the same way.

@curlicarib I am sorry this has happened love. *hugs*
 
Too much is going unsaid. And you're reading his facial expressions instead of having a conversation. I would feel like I was crazy if I were you. I would have to tell him how I felt. I think you play it too cool.

It's been 8 months of dating and there are no titles, no conversations, no relations or at least attempts at relations.....I would burst.

Also, I feel sorry for his girlfriend. He seems like he needed to be in a relationship, thought you werent willing to fulfill all his needs, so he found her while not willing to let go of you....or maybe he's just a dog. Either way.
 
I think he was feeling you, but you were an option for him . Did you guys do night time or weekend stuff or was it just hanging out running errands after work type thing?

You did nothing wrong. Did you ever feel like you didn't know where y'all stood or he was giving mixed signals?

Have you all spoken since he was exposed?
Cliche , but there are too many fish in the sea. Brush yourself off, and move on to the next. Let him be.
 
Yes, nights, weekends, mornings, evenings the whole shabang. And I didn't mention it previously, but he was single when we started going out. I asked him, twice, so there was no misunderstanding. So, he met her and got involved with her while we were going out. I suspect it's very recent. When I look at my phone log, the drop off in calls and texts started on May 6th. Went from 50+ texts/calls to less than 10. Since Monday its been about 2 a day. Today he text me once and I didn't answer. I expect that was the last.

No, I always felt like I was on solid ground.

We spoke this afternoon. We discussed a few work things, I gave him the materials he needed and "dismissed" him. He came back to make conversation - how was lunch ( we usually eat together), have I spoken to one of our friends what's up with her, what time am I leaving, telling me his after work plans, etc. Oh, and he noticed that I had made tea. Our usual routine is I make tea in the mornings (he buys the tea), and he comes by after my morning meeting and we have tea and talk for a few minutes. This morning I didn't call him over. Normally, he would call or text me to see if I was in or not, if I don't call him over. I guess he saw my car and knew I was in.

I've already made the break mentally. I wasn't even moved by seeing him this afternoon. In fact, I'm liking the idea of just walking away cold turkey and never talking to him about anything personal ever again. I just have to get my stuff from his place.

God_Favor said:
I think he was feeling you, but you were an option for him . Did you guys do night time or weekend stuff or was it just hanging out running errands after work type thing?

You did nothing wrong. Did you ever feel like you didn't know where y'all stood or he was giving mixed signals?

Have you all spoken since he was exposed?
Cliche , but there are too many fish in the sea. Brush yourself off, and move on to the next. Let him be.
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Actually, no. Ex-SO and I were great together and I have no regrets. I completely understand that some people are in our lives for a time and then you move on - better off for having known them. Ex-SO and I are still friends and there is no animosity between us. I'm glad for the time we spent together. He's one of the best human beings I know.

I took three years between ex-SO and getting involved with this guy. More than enough time to be sure I was ready to move on to the next guy.

hopeful said:
Also, I think you two just never got off on the right foot. You may also be feeling regret over the 15 years spent with the first guy and thinking if you'd moved on sooner, you and this new guy might have had a shot. But you can't change the past or predict the future. You probably need a little time to enjoy your own time and make some good girlfriends. Get out, party, have fun, enjoy your life. This guy is not worth your energy.
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Last edited:
I think this is what hurt me the most. It's like...........what??!!!! Home??? When/how did that happen?????? Where exactly was I when "home" got a new address???

Lawd, all I could do was drive away and swallow my shock and pain.


Chrismiss said:
Woooow, ok. Maybe something in you was telling you to hang back and see what this guy is about. I don't see where you read it wrong. He might be the type that wants someone to throw the panties at him(wack), so that he doesn't have to do the heavy lifting. I don't know, this may be a blessing in disguise. It's also telling that new chick's house is already called "his home." I bet that mess won't last because he's too quick to be claiming someone as his "girlfriend" and "their home." I'm calling BS on him.
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curlicarib said:
Nothing sexual is going on yet, but there is lots of longing and desire going on. I have promised myself that I would not make the first move. If he wants to move this forward, the ball is in his court.
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How long did this go on for- more than a couple of months? He never made a move to kiss you or make out with you?
 
This was our exchange from when he went speeding past me the other day on the way to his new girl (unbeknownst to me).

ETA: The screen shot isn't uploading, but basically I texted him:

Me: Slow down! I'd miss you if you went splat

Him: you'd be the only one!

SMH. I'm such an idiot.
 
mstar said:
Don't be, babe. Guys do this sometimes, for all different types of reasons. I know you want to understand what went wrong, but it's a losing battle to try and figure it out. Just charge it to the game, and be glad that you dodged this bullet.

You did the right thing by standing back and waiting for him to make the first move. And he had plenty of time to do so, if he was truly interested. The fact that he never kissed you, claimed you as his girlfriend, or made any moves, shows that he was just using you for companionship and an ego stroke.

The only thing I would advise going forward is to be more open with your feelings. Don't be afraid to say things like, "it feels so good spending time with you," or "I feel so excited to talk to you every morning," or "I love how safe and secure I feel when you walk me to my door after dinner." Every moment is an opportunity to tell him how you feel in that moment, and men fall in love from their heart centers when you allow them to see your heart. Nothing more than that is required...it's just a really authentic way of connecting with a man by being yourself.

You're handling this really well! Hugs to you...
Click to expand...


Yes to this. I have been guilty of not being open with my feelings from the start. A big mistake. But it's totally due to insecurity. And the language is what men love to hear.

As the others have advised. Don't read too much into a man's mind. He may come around again but don't wait for it. Learn the lesson and move on. Listen to some happy music.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
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