What If You NEVER Get Married?

[GoingNatural]

^^ Okay, but nowhere in my statement or hers did we say one man created for one woman.

Jus tout of 600billion people its not that hard to get married. It may be the wrong person, it may be a marriage of agreement. It doesn't have to be the RIGHT Man. But out of all these men, if I wanted to get married tomorrow it's possible.

 

[cheetarah1980]

And I disagree that there has to be even just one man out of 600 billion who does or ever will.

Why do so many women believe that there's at least one man created just for them? Where does this idea come from?

I ask because I used to feel the same way until I created this thread. There is absolutely no basis to believe that a love match has to exist, let alone a husband. Once I realized that, I felt relieved. Love is not a forgone conclusion, it's not at all guaranteed to anyone. I don't have to feel miserable should it never find me, I can love myself and I was made perfectly whole. I need no one to complete me. Should I find a mate, great, if not, who cares?

I don't know where that idea comes from. That's not the idea that I'm talking about. I definitely don't believe that I'm created for only ONE man, nor do I believe that there's ONE man created just for me. When I am married I will certainly not believe that my husband is the only man who is right for me, nor would I believe that I'm the only woman who's right for him. We simply would have made a choice to forgoe those other options and build a life together.
You are the one talking about the fairytale, not me or any of the other women in this thread who said that they will in fact be married one day.
It's not about completion it's about complements. Men and women were created for companionship with one another. I don't need a man in order to be happy with myself and my life. That doesn't mean I don't need a man at all.
If finding a mate is neither here nor there for YOU, then great! But why piss in someone else's kool-aide because she expects to be married?

 

[freshlikemoi]

I cannot tell a lie. I would be devasted.
All of the major things I want in my life are contingent on having a husband.
Children, a House, grandchildren, love and security.... awwwllll of dat.

 

[cheetarah1980]

I cannot tell a lie. I would be devasted.
All of the major things I want in my life are contingent on having a husband.
Children, a House, grandchildren, love and security.... awwwllll of dat.

Why can't you do the house without the husband? If you don't do yardwork, there are always landscaping services.

 

[Xerxes]

I don't know where that idea comes from. That's not the idea that I'm talking about. I definitely don't believe that I'm created for only ONE man, nor do I believe that there's ONE man created just for me. When I am married I will certainly not believe that my husband is the only man who is right for me, nor would I believe that I'm the only woman who's right for him. We simply would have made a choice to forgoe those other options and build a life together.
You are the one talking about the fairytale, not me or any of the other women in this thread who said that they will in fact be married one day.
It's not about completion it's about complements. Men and women were created for companionship with one another. I don't need a man in order to be happy with myself and my life. That doesn't mean I don't need a man at all.
If finding a mate is neither here nor there for YOU, then great! But why piss in someone else's kool-aide because she expects to be married?

You'll are on a roll, but please read what I said. I'm having fun and you'll seem uptight like jilted brides, 40-something bridesmaids with one good egg left and not a man in sight or something. Breathe, girls, breathe! LOL

Either you or another poster stated that there is "at least one man" who will love/marry them in this world. All I am stating is that I don't believe that any woman can/should make such a claim, since there is no guarantee for any of us that this is true.

I believe that there is a major semantics issue at hand (i.e. at least one vs probably one potential husband) and a number of you are making arguments based upon your feelings and not on what I have actually stated.

I have agreed weeks ago in this thread that most (not all) women who want to marry typically (not all of the time) end up marrying somebody, but if that's real love, desperation or convenience is a whole other issue. We all have some chance at love, marriage and divorce, but a chance is by no means a certainty and stating this is not an attempt to malign any of you.

I don't even like koolaid and I would never try to mess with your beverage of choice.


I just would like to know why some women feel like there is "at least one man" out there who is supposed to/will/even wants to marry or love them.

A true marriage requires the joining and agreement between two free and independent wills. Your will alone is not enough to ensure or allow you to confidently proclaim someone else will marry you. All we can each say is what we'd like to see happen, then keep on living and increase our chances of getting what we want, but we can't ever be bold enough to say God or the universe (or fate or whatever you believe in) will definitely give us another person for sure. We are blessed to just be alive this second and it seems so wrong to expect another's will to yield to yours.

Perhaps the bulk of you are taking the idea of marriage (ie. at least one mate/man) less seriously than me, but when I think of how I can't even say for sure if I will be alive in the next minute or next day, how dare I get bold enough to declare that someone's will will somehow line up with mine without doubt? I can not make anything happen. I can not expect anyone to love me nor should I. Is there a chance that it will happen? Sure. But should people "expect" to get married (meaning with a certainty)? I don't think so at all.

So if your argument is that we each have a chance at love, we have no disagreement at all. However, if you believe that there is "at least one man" out there who will definitely marry you/ each of us who wants to get married, I disagree and would like to know what allows you to feel this way (hmmm...must be something stronger than koolaid). <playing "Blame it on the alcohol" and thinking about my potential DH>

 

[Xerxes]

^^ Okay, but nowhere in my statement or hers did we say one man created for one woman.

Jus tout of 600billion people its not that hard to get married. It may be the wrong person, it may be a marriage of agreement. It doesn't have to be the RIGHT Man. But out of all these men, if I wanted to get married tomorrow it's possible.

No, she said "at least one". It's all semantics. If we argue that there might be 1 out of 600 billion men who might marry you, fine. However if you or someone says "at least one" man out of 600 billion will for sure love/marry me, I can't agree with that.

And thanks for agreeing with a point I made earlier, anyone can greatly increase their chances of getting married if they don't care about true love or being compatible. That's just a legal agreement and I think that is more commonplace than anything else, hence our 50% divorce rate.

A lasting real marriage/love is not guaranteed in my most humble opinion.

 

[Xerxes]

I cannot tell a lie. I would be devasted.
All of the major things I want in my life are contingent on having a husband.
Children, a House, grandchildren, love and security.... awwwllll of dat.

Aw,Fresh, well I hope you get married then.

Tell me, do you think you would be a happier person if you had a husband? Or do you think you would just feel more secure (financially and otherwise) with a husband?

 

[Xerxes]

That's what I don't get. If you're happy single, then great. And no one should dare tell you that you need to be married if you don't want to or try to convince you that marriage is what you need.

So I don't know why people need to "warn" those who want to be married that it might not happen... says who? We're not talking about going into outer space here... the odds are pretty darn good that most men and women who want to be married can find a partner.

Believe it or not, but you are agreeing with me. I never discount the "odds," chances or likelihood of a person marrying, but I highly disagree with the notion that "at least one man" "will" marry or love anyone for sure.

I don't think she said that. She said that out of all the men on Earth, she's sure that she can find one that will want to marry her and that she will want to marry. I don't think that's too farfetched to believe.



Actually, traditional marriage was not based on fairytales and love. That's a modern spin on marriage and that's what's getting folks in trouble. Plus, the way folks define "real love" is often very superficial and based on fleeting feelings... this was never the basis for marriage until very recently.

There are people who were made to remain single, but if we're talking about the Bible, most people are supposed to marry. Those who remained single in the Bible were called to do so and usually were involved in some kind of service to God.

But that's neither here nor there... the point is, if you want to get married, you should be able to find a partner and I don't get why a whole lot of us seem to act like getting married is some Houdini-like feat.

And if you don't want to get married, you absolutely shouldn't feel like you have to!

Again, read her quote, and you'll see that we (you and I ) seem to agree whereas the poster you are trying to support stated that "at least one will" marry or love her. She didn't say might marry or love her, she said "will" and "at least one". I just don't know how she can believe (not doubt) that for sure and would like to know what her belief is based upon. I love the idea of at least one (meaning 2 or more) men out there just willing to love/ marry me, but I just can't believe it.

P.S. I thought the poster would just say she didn't mean "at least one will" love/marry her or anyone already, but she hasn't, so I think she must really mean what she typed.

 

[Bunny77]

Believe it or not, but you are agreeing with me. I never discount the "odds," chances or likelihood of a person marrying, but I highly disagree with the notion that "at least one man" "will" marry or love anyone for sure.



Again, read her quote, and you'll see that we (you and I ) seem to agree whereas the poster you are trying to support stated that "at least one will" marry or love her. She didn't say might marry or love her, she said "will" and "at least one". I just don't know how she can believe (not doubt) that for sure and would like to know what her belief is based upon. I love the idea of at least one (meaning 2 or more) men out there just willing to love/ marry me, but I just can't believe it.

P.S. I thought the poster would just say she didn't mean "at least one will" love/marry her or anyone already, but she hasn't, so I think she must really mean what she typed.

Really, I think that getting into semantics is totally getting away from the point. Whether she said "at least one" or "will" seems to be going around in circles and missing the point of the discussion. The point is that if one wants to be married, it's pretty likely that he/she will if she lives her life and prepares accordingly.

I think we all know that nothing is guaranteed, but no one really lives their lives like that. None of us are guaranteed to wake up tomorrow, like you said, but if I know that I have a big presentation tomorrow at 7 a.m., you better believe I will prepare the night before getting my papers together and my clothes ironed and all of that, because the odds are extremely high that I am going to wake up tomorrow morning and have to go to work and do that paper.

So it's not that far off to feel extremely confident that there is at least one man in this world who all of us would like to marry and who would share the same ideas and beliefs as we do and that we would have a great marriage. No, it's not guaranteed, but if I wanted to spend my life getting guarantees on everything before I did them, well, I wouldn't get anything done.

I could have gone to college and developed schizophrenia like that dude in The Soloist and not completed my degree, but I had a pretty strong belief that I was going to graduate from college. I could have gotten hit by a car and become paralyzed just a few minutes ago, but I figured the chances were pretty darn good that I would make it home safely... so I went ahead and started some food in the Crock Pot before I left to run some errands.

So... if I say that I am going to marry, then I'm pretty sure that my chances are good for that to happen. I have all of recorded human history on my side too, since people have been getting married since the beginning of time and since most people (at least in the USA) desire to marry at some time in their lives.

So I think those of us who want to have healthy and happy marriages really have nothing to be concerned about.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I'm getting married in four months.

There was never a doubt in my mind about ever getting married (not necessarily to him), and if something happened and we didn't, I have no doubt in my mind that I would get married to someone else after a suitable amount of time.

What is for me is FOR ME. I've claimed it and that's that. I don't care what the "stats" say; I know me and I know what I'm capable of, and quite honestly, I meet criteria for what certain marriageable men like. All you need is one.

 

[Xerxes]

Bunny thank you so much for being 'EXTREMELY' truthful in this thread.

God made it perfectly plain in the beginning of His Word and in His Creation process,

"It is not good that man should be alone, therefore I will make a help meet suitable for him...."

You can't get much clearer than that, other than the fact that men and women proceeded to marry.

NOW...it's according to one's desire and mindset. If you 'believe' it you'll receive it; you can have whatever you say. (God's words, not mine). Whatever we ask the Father according to HIS will, He will (hear us) and give it unto us. Marriage IS most definitely God's will.

For those who don't believe it, that's their choice. For those who do, it's their choice. Bottomline, those who believe, are not believing a fairy tale but God's word.

Here's the final word, Never doesn't occur until one is no longer upon the earth. Period. In the meantime, as long as one is living and breathing and walking upon this earth, there is no such thing as 'never...'

Gather your trousseau, prime your health, grow your hair, glow your skin, give Glory to God, and just be ready... :reddancer:

As long as you are living, there's no such thing as 'never'.

In Jesus' Name, Amen and Amen. :heart2:

Hi Shimmie, as nice as it sounds, God's Word does not promise us a husband/spouse. In the very scripture you quote, God simply is creating women and stating that humans as a group should live in communities and not be lonely.

God's will has very little if anything to do with marriage and all to do with spreading the gospel. We can surely ask God for anything, but if our request does not line up with His Word, please don't expect to receive it. God wants us to desire Him and not some dude.

If being married or having a family was "holy" or really important for everyone, then Jesus and all of the apostles/disciples would have gotten hitched and had kids. Marriage is for those who can not avoid sexual temptation or who want to have kids. Marriage is the building block of families. It's not a sin to get married, but it doesn't make life easier nor does it make you a better person/Christian. And it's sad that some girls will feel incomplete or like failures if they don't get married.

The Bible gives us options and in so doing makes it quite clear that we all will have different paths, some might get married and some won't. However, neither should boast nor declare they know which boat they will be in. My main point is that God's will will be done and none of us can say for sure that marriage is a certainty.

Also for fun, read 1 Corinthians 7. Apostle Paul makes it clear that it's best for men (ie. people) not to marry, but if we can't control ourselves, then we had better find a mate. lol

1 Corinthians 7: "1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.[a] 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

10To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

"

 

[Xerxes]

Really, I think that getting into semantics is totally getting away from the point. Whether she said "at least one" or "will" seems to be going around in circles and missing the point of the discussion. The point is that if one wants to be married, it's pretty likely that he/she will if she lives her life and prepares accordingly.

I think we all know that nothing is guaranteed, but no one really lives their lives like that. None of us are guaranteed to wake up tomorrow, like you said, but if I know that I have a big presentation tomorrow at 7 a.m., you better believe I will prepare the night before getting my papers together and my clothes ironed and all of that, because the odds are extremely high that I am going to wake up tomorrow morning and have to go to work and do that paper.

So it's not that far off to feel extremely confident that there is at least one man in this world who all of us would like to marry and who would share the same ideas and beliefs as we do and that we would have a great marriage. No, it's not guaranteed, but if I wanted to spend my life getting guarantees on everything before I did them, well, I wouldn't get anything done.

I could have gone to college and developed schizophrenia like that dude in The Soloist and not completed my degree, but I had a pretty strong belief that I was going to graduate from college. I could have gotten hit by a car and become paralyzed just a few minutes ago, but I figured the chances were pretty darn good that I would make it home safely... so I went ahead and started some food in the Crock Pot before I left to run some errands.

So... if I say that I am going to marry, then I'm pretty sure that my chances are good for that to happen. I have all of recorded human history on my side too, since people have been getting married since the beginning of time and since most people (at least in the USA) desire to marry at some time in their lives.

So I think those of us who want to have healthy and happy marriages really have nothing to be concerned about.

Shoot, Bunny, I've already been done with this discussion weeks ago and made my point countless times. You agreed with me, I think we even high-fived and did the running man. lmao

I just wanted to know from her specifically why she felt so certain and then other people posted and the rest is history.

As far as the chances of any of us getting married, they should be about 50% or so if you're black. So each of us has a chance, but I'm curious about those who are "claiming" husbands they still haven't met.

 

[Bunny77]

Also for fun, read 1 Corinthians 7. Apostle Paul makes it clear that it's best for men (ie. people) not to marry, but if we can't control ourselves, then we had better find a mate. lol

1 Corinthians 7: "1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.[a] 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

10To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

"

1 Corinthians 7 is probably the most misinterpreted passage in the Bible.

Paul was speaking to a group of people going through war, famine, disease, etc. He was saying to those men specifically that it was probably best for them not to marry because of the troubles taking place in that time.

I find that whenever the singleness/marriage issue is brought up in churches, folks are quick to run to 1 Corinthians 7 as proof of something... Paul was indeed a great man, but Paul was also one man expressing an opinion, and an opinion based on circumstance.

It's also interesting how one can dismiss or explain away the Genesis verse "It is not good for man to be alone," but then build up 1 Corinthians 7... Seeing that Adam was closer to God than any of us will ever be and had a fellowship with God that most of us could only dream of, I think that he'd be the last one to need a wife... but God apparently thought otherwise!

If God wanted the first man to have a helpmeet, that's good enough reason for me to believe that he has the same plans for his children. If it doesn't happen, it's because of the world's interference and sin, but marriage is a part of God's design.

 

[Bunny77]

Shoot, Bunny, I've already been done with this discussion weeks ago and made my point countless times. You agreed with me, I think we even high-fived and did the running man. lmao

I just wanted to know from her specifically why she felt so certain and then other people posted and the rest is history.

As far as the chances of any of us getting married, they should be about 50% or so if you're black. So each of us has a chance, but I'm curious about those who are "claiming" husbands they still haven't met.

But it done seem like you changed your mind since weeks ago and you keep coming back for more!

I kept answering because I feel as certain as she does, and plus... that's a misinterpretation of that statistic that you just posted!

 

[cheetarah1980]

Bunny and Lisalisa summed up what I mean perfectly. I didn't say I was guaranteed anything in this life. Yet and still there are things that I know will happen (besides death and taxes). Marriage is one of them. And no, I'm nowhere near 40 and the biological clock hasn't even started ticking. There are certain life events that are just expected to happen. In my life it was college, getting a career, grad school, getting married, having kids. Grad school has yet to happen. Heck, the first time I applied I was told, "NO!" But I'd be willing to bet my home that I will have a Masters degree within the next 5 years. There's no reason that it shouldn't. Just like that, there's no reason why I shouldn't expect to be married. If nothing else, call it faith. And all of those doom and gloom stats aren't making my faith waver. Not to mention those stats are misleading and misused as I stated previously.

 

[Xerxes]

1 Corinthians 7 is probably the most misinterpreted passage in the Bible.

Paul was speaking to a group of people going through war, famine, disease, etc. He was saying to those men specifically that it was probably best for them not to marry because of the troubles taking place in that time.

I find that whenever the singleness/marriage issue is brought up in churches, folks are quick to run to 1 Corinthians 7 as proof of something... Paul was indeed a great man, but Paul was also one man expressing an opinion, and an opinion based on circumstance.

It's also interesting how one can dismiss or explain away the Genesis verse "It is not good for man to be alone," but then build up 1 Corinthians 7... Seeing that Adam was closer to God than any of us will ever be and had a fellowship with God that most of us could only dream of, I think that he'd be the last one to need a wife... but God apparently thought otherwise!

If God wanted the first man to have a helpmeet, that's good enough reason for me to believe that he has the same plans for his children. If it doesn't happen, it's because of the world's interference and sin, but marriage is a part of God's design.

And Adam wasn't happy with Eve! He blamed her the first chance he got! LOL

Simply marriage isn't easy, even when there were just 2 people on this earth and I believe that it's up to a man to seek a wife and that it is not good or healthy for women to claim men or expect husbands.

Also, Paul's advice, I feel is just as relevant today as it was back when he wrote it. We are in hard times, we're in a recession, the swine flu is spreading, etc. lol But seriously, most of us women are raised with the belief that we are supposed to get married and have children and if you don't, then you have somehow failed. I used to feel that way until I realized there was no reason to live my life waiting for someone else.

There are honest women in this thread who have opened up and stated that they would be devastated if they never married. Too many of us misconstrue the intent of God's Word to cover our own selfish ambitions. God wants us to fall in love with Him, he is our bridegrroom and we are His bride (marriage was mostly used as an analogy in the Bible to describe the kind of closeness God wants with us). He is not our divine matchmaker on high. We aren't even sure why we want to get married, but our hope/happiness is based on it. This is not a healthy outlook to have and that's why I wanted that girl to elaborate.

In my humble opinion, if we examined our ideas on marriage, we might make changes in our attitudes and feel more self confident. We wouldn't have as many girls holding up dreams because they are waiting for someone to put a ring on them. Too many of us base our self worth on whether we are able to attract men, get married or have children and this needs to stop.

The reason why some of us do this is because since we were little, someone told us "One day, when you get married..." So we believed it would happen, that some guy was born just for us to marry. And then we hit 25, 30 or even older with no husband and the family asks, "How come you ain't got no man?" Then you start asking yourself, is it my fault alone?

I'm just saying heck no! Marriage requires 3 wills to line up, the guy's will, your will and God's will. So you are responsible for just 33.33%.

I don't believe that any woman should hold out on certain experiences because she is single. You were made whole at birth. And noone can make you happy but yourself, so please don't stress about getting a man to add to your madness.

First fall madly in love with God, then fall in love crazily with yourself, and be open to falling in love with others.

But it done seem like you changed your mind since weeks ago and you keep coming back for more!

I kept answering because I feel as certain as she does, and plus... that's a misinterpretation of that statistic that you just posted!

LOL

 

[Bunny77]

P.S. Marriage isn't just a Christian thing, so a lot of what you're saying isn't relevant or valid to folks who are Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, atheist, etc., etc.... and they get married too.

Everyone should believe and do what works for them regarding marriage and all opinions on this topic are equally valid depending on a person's individual, community and religious (or lack of religious) beliefs.

How 'bout that?

 

[MizzBrown]

And Adam wasn't happy with Eve! He blamed her the first chance he got! LOL

Simply marriage isn't easy, even when there were just 2 people on this earth and I believe that it's up to a man to seek a wife and that it is not good or healthy for women to claim men or expect husbands.

Also, Paul's advice, I feel is just as relevant today as it was back when he wrote it. We are in hard times, we're in a recession, the swine flu is spreading, etc. lol But seriously, most of us women are raised with the belief that we are supposed to get married and have children and if you don't, then you have somehow failed. I used to feel that way until I realized there was no reason to live my life waiting for someone else.

There are honest women in this thread who have opened up and stated that they would be devastated if they never married. Too many of us misconstrue the intent of God's Word to cover our own selfish ambitions. God wants us to fall in love with Him, he is our bridegrroom and we are His bride (marriage was mostly used as an analogy in the Bible to describe the kind of closeness God wants with us). He is not our divine matchmaker on high. We aren't even sure why we want to get married, but our hope/happiness is based on it. This is not a healthy outlook to have and that's why I wanted that girl to elaborate.

In my humble opinion, if we examined our ideas on marriage, we might make changes in our attitudes and feel more self confident. We wouldn't have as many girls holding up dreams because they are waiting for someone to put a ring on them. Too many of us base our self worth on whether we are able to attract men, get married or have children and this needs to stop.

The reason why some of us do this is because since we were little, someone told us "One day, when you get married..." So we believed it would happen, that some guy was born just for us to marry. And then we hit 25, 30 or even older with no husband and the family asks, "How come you ain't got no man?" Then you start asking yourself, is it my fault alone?

I'm just saying heck no! Marriage requires 3 wills to line up, the guy's will, your will and God's will. So you are responsible for just 33.33%.

I don't believe that any woman should hold out on certain experiences because she is single. You were made whole at birth. And noone can make you happy but yourself, so please don't stress about getting a man to add to your madness.

First fall madly in love with God, then fall in love crazily with yourself, and be open to falling in love with others.

LOL

THANK YOU for this post. It also disturbed me that women were saying they would be devastated and not whole if they dont find a man and get married. That really crushes my heart. I really dont feel its natural to think that way.

You are Xerxes. If you never get married or have children, you are STILL gonna be Xerxes and you should STILL be loved and respected. I shouldnt respect you more/less because you FINALLY got married and had a child.

I truly believe you were made whole at birth as well and I hate to see women place TOO much emphasis on finding someone and not living their own life..You can STILL buy your own house, you can still travel, you can still do stuff and be happy and complete.

We do it to ourselves. Somebody sees me on the street they asking if i'm married yet and how many kids? And when i say no, they ask well when? What's the problem, you need me to hook you up?

I'm also guilty of giving folks the side-eye when they seem to have all their ducks in a row and STILL aint married. I need to stop that. Cause they could be just as HAPPY as could be while i'm over here frettin' cause i'm approaching 40 and still aint got prospects and my eggs drying up...putting life on hold.

And we are finding ourselves in some big rat race trying to snag a man for fear that our eggs are gonna dry up so that makes it WORSE.

I do want to get married but I dont want my life to stop and dont want to get depressed or devastated because I still aint married with kids. I think that is an insult to only seem to appreciate life MORE if you married with kids...the rest of your life was just moot? You made no impact to someone during your single years?

I see both sides. You can have faith and you can be realistic. But i really hope women are not gonna be truly devastated, depressed and not feel whole because they didnt meet their soulmate. It does NOT define you.

 

[cheetarah1980]

Is it an either/or proposition? Either you're perfectly fine with never being married OR you're putting your life on hold and thinking happiness comes with a husband. There really is a middle ground between these two extremes. I'm not fine with never being married and having kids. However, that doesn't mean I'm waiting for that lifestage to happen before I can be happy and live a full life. They're not mutually exclusive.

 

[hopeful]

The thing is that this is such an emotional topic and we are all different with regard to our hopes and dreams and how we approach them, handle disappointment, etc. Some women really don't "need" to be married and will be "okay". If I hadn't married and had children I think I would be a happy person but I do not think I would be as satisfied or fullfilled, I wanted a happy family more than anything else in the world. The fact is that some women desire a nice husband and a couple of kids so deep down that they cannot "let it go" or say that they will be okay, because they know deep down that they will not be okay.

It is important that we are honest with ourselves with regard to the things that are most important to us, pretending it's not that big of a deal will not make the desire go away. I also am not sure it is healthy to keep talking about it or explaining yourself either, I think over explaining our deepest desires can eat away at us a bit. At some point you have to tuck your "heart" issues away to keep them safe.

For me and I think for a lot of women, education and work and buying a nice home/car, travelling, having friends, etc. is fine but in the end in no way do those things come close to being married, to being in love, and having a family. Real Talk.

 

[Xerxes]

P.S. Marriage isn't just a Christian thing, so a lot of what you're saying isn't relevant or valid to folks who are Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, atheist, etc., etc.... and they get married too.

Everyone should believe and do what works for them regarding marriage and all opinions on this topic are equally valid depending on a person's individual, community and religious (or lack of religious) beliefs.

How 'bout that?

Bad, Bunny! lol I'm fully aware that my views are based on my religious perspective, but I would like to know what others are basing their views on.

 

[Xerxes]

Bunny and Lisalisa summed up what I mean perfectly. I didn't say I was guaranteed anything in this life. Yet and still there are things that I know will happen (besides death and taxes). Marriage is one of them. And no, I'm nowhere near 40 and the biological clock hasn't even started ticking. There are certain life events that are just expected to happen. In my life it was college, getting a career, grad school, getting married, having kids. Grad school has yet to happen. Heck, the first time I applied I was told, "NO!" But I'd be willing to bet my home that I will have a Masters degree within the next 5 years. There's no reason that it shouldn't. Just like that, there's no reason why I shouldn't expect to be married. If nothing else, call it faith. And all of those doom and gloom stats aren't making my faith waver. Not to mention those stats are misleading and misused as I stated previously.

If you "know" it will happen, but admit to having no guarantee, I just have to shake my head at your remark.

In my response to Bunny, I summed up my opinions. Basically, I'm trying to see if you are building up hope on something that is not promised. If you feel that you will definitely marry at sometime, what happens if you hit 40 and no man has shown up worth marrying? Is your happiness going to falter if you remain single? Are you like some women who are holding out on certain goals (like purchasing a home) until a man decides to marry you? Are you happy with just yourself?

Learning to love yourself regardless of circumstance is not about gloom and doom, it's about freeing yourself from worrying about things outside of your complete control.

 

[Xerxes]

THANK YOU for this post. It also disturbed me that women were saying they would be devastated and not whole if they dont find a man and get married. That really crushes my heart. I really dont feel its natural to think that way.

You are Xerxes. If you never get married or have children, you are STILL gonna be Xerxes and you should STILL be loved and respected. I shouldnt respect you more/less because you FINALLY got married and had a child.

I truly believe you were made whole at birth as well and I hate to see women place TOO much emphasis on finding someone and not living their own life..You can STILL buy your own house, you can still travel, you can still do stuff and be happy and complete.

We do it to ourselves. Somebody sees me on the street they asking if i'm married yet and how many kids? And when i say no, they ask well when? What's the problem, you need me to hook you up?

I'm also guilty of giving folks the side-eye when they seem to have all their ducks in a row and STILL aint married. I need to stop that. Cause they could be just as HAPPY as could be while i'm over here frettin' cause i'm approaching 40 and still aint got prospects and my eggs drying up...putting life on hold.

And we are finding ourselves in some big rat race trying to snag a man for fear that our eggs are gonna dry up so that makes it WORSE.

I do want to get married but I dont want my life to stop and dont want to get depressed or devastated because I still aint married with kids. I think that is an insult to only seem to appreciate life MORE if you married with kids...the rest of your life was just moot? You made no impact to someone during your single years?

I see both sides. You can have faith and you can be realistic. But i really hope women are not gonna be truly devastated, depressed and not feel whole because they didnt meet their soulmate. It does NOT define you.

Dang, MizzBrown, it's like you were in my head or something! LOL

 

[Xerxes]

Is it an either/or proposition? Either you're perfectly fine with never being married OR you're putting your life on hold and thinking happiness comes with a husband. There really is a middle ground between these two extremes. I'm not fine with never being married and having kids. However, that doesn't mean I'm waiting for that lifestage to happen before I can be happy and live a full life. They're not mutually exclusive.

No, not at all. The main point was to see if we are happy enough with ourselves to accept our circumstances whether we wish to marry or not.

 

[ChelzBoo]

No, not at all. The main point was to see if we are happy enough with ourselves to accept our circumstances whether we wish to marry or not.

even though im still young... im happy enough and content enough with myself if the opportunity never happens.

 

[Xerxes]

The thing is that this is such an emotional topic and we are all different with regard to our hopes and dreams and how we approach them, handle disappointment, etc. Some women really don't "need" to be married and will be "okay". If I hadn't married and had children I think I would be a happy person but I do not think I would be as satisfied or fullfilled, I wanted a happy family more than anything else in the world. The fact is that some women desire a nice husband and a couple of kids so deep down that they cannot "let it go" or say that they will be okay, because they know deep down that they will not be okay.

It is important that we are honest with ourselves with regard to the things that are most important to us, pretending it's not that big of a deal will not make the desire go away. I also am not sure it is healthy to keep talking about it or explaining yourself either, I think over explaining our deepest desires can eat away at us a bit. At some point you have to tuck your "heart" issues away to keep them safe.

For me and I think for a lot of women, education and work and buying a nice home/car, travelling, having friends, etc. is fine but in the end in no way do those things come close to being married, to being in love, and having a family. Real Talk.

Thanks, Hopeful for your honesty.

If anyone is feeling too worked up by the topics in this thread, please stop reading it. Seriously, I don't know everyone's mindset nor circumstance, so protect yourself accordingly.

What you, Hopeful, stated is what I thought was true for most women. Most of us feel like marriage and childbirth are our sole/major purposes in life. Therefore if we miss out on either, we have not truly lived a full life.

This kind of thinking is pervasive and it is difficult nowadays for girls to be open about it because we live in a time where everyone pretends to be pseudo-feminists at work, all the while clinging fast to 1950s-ish ideals on gender roles. We are utterly confused, but don't feel secure enough to talk about our fears with one another. Just the fact that we have to be careful discussing the possibility of no marriage in this thread, shows that we as a gender need some mental/psychological help.


I'm not worried about being honest here because none of you'll know me, at least I don't think more than one of you does (lol) and these are just my thoughts. And discussing fears helps each of us rationalize what is really worth fearing in the first place.

I seriously don't believe the idea of marriage or singleness should scare any of us. Chances are a good number will find a way to get what they want. So I wonder as to why some women are so deadset and determined for one particular outcome and base their hopes/lifestyles on it.

I used to feel that I could only be happy if I got married and had kids. Then I got older (21), went to grad school and noticed noone was proposing, then I had to reevaluate my stance on marriage, kids and my well-being. I realized quickly that it made no sense to base my happiness on something I cannot control, so I refocused my attention on making myself happy. Making myself a better person, inside and out. This is a lifelong process that everyone should take. Since you can't expect anyone to love or respect you if you don't.


Look at the post from MizzBrown, see how she reiterated my points on first feeling whole in and of yourself. We don't have to go on "Oprah" or "Dr. Phil" to get support from fellow sisters. We can talk to each other. Some of us need encouragement that we are indeed beautiful, unique, talented, intelligent in and of ourselves. We need noone else to feel complete. Our purpose in life is not limited to marriage and babies. Marriage and kids may come, but your worth was set at your birth and is not diminished or enhanced with your circumstances.

 

[Xerxes]

even though im still young... im happy enough and content enough with myself if the opportunity never happens.

High-five, ChelzBoo!

 

[hopeful]

Xerxes, I have so much to say. I agree with you on a some points, disagree with you on a few. Oh I have so much to say...but I think I will bow out and go back to lurkmode, I could talk about this issue all day long, but I'm supposed to be on an LHCF break.

 

[Bunny77]

Xerxes, I have so much to say. I agree with you on a some points, disagree with you on a few. Oh I have so much to say...but I think I will bow out and go back to lurkmode, I could talk about this issue all day long, but I'm supposed to be on an LHCF break.

Say it, say it!

I wanna hear from a real-live actual married lady on this!

 

[Lovelylife]

But what if you are happy but would really just like a companion. Single women not are supportive of eachother so it makes being single harder, like I think I could be really happy being single if I had a close female friend like in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion. Just a person to live and chill with. Is that too much to ask.
Like it is natural for children to want a good mommy, sure you can happy without a mommy, but still.