What If You NEVER Get Married?

[Xerxes]

i only saw the commercial for that one but what happened to the loud long haired blond who was remarrying her ex-husband... did they bet married?

Yes, those two from I think New Jersey (by their accents) did get married and she got everything she wanted while throwing quite the tantrum!

I wish they had the old episodes on Hulu.com.

 

[Xerxes]

She I would be devastated in a way if I never married.

I know this sounds crazy, but I want to have a large family-like four kids! I am no one's "baby mama" and I do not want to be a single mother (by choice). That means no adoption process at 40.

So I know that in order to do that I need 1) a husband and 2) to start by 30.
Oh the pressure...hehe!

Hmm, I can understand how you feel, but my contingency plan includes being a potential adoptive mother. I know for a fact that I want to raise kids, so I can't give that dream up because the right husband never appears. And, trust me, no matter how old you are right now, 30 is closer than you think! LOL

So because you want to start having your kids by 30, what are you doing now to increase your chances of being married by then?

 

[Xerxes]

LOL!! You're so cute! i literally laughed out loud when I read that because my friends call me the "Charlotte" out of our group. I'm such a sap and get that, "I think he might be the one, this might be it" feeling (but not as often as once a month though )

And I absolutely agree with the other parts of your post too.

LOL

I truly love love and I love meeting a fellow "Charlotte".

 

[Xerxes]

LOL! If babies weren't tied to marriage I wouldn't worry about getting married.

One thing to take into consideration with this particular statistic is that more and more people are marrying later in life, so when these statistics are taken is it based on a certain age? Say 35 and never married? Well their life isn't OVER yet!

Also if they are taking the entire race of black women into consideration are they considering lesbians? Women who just ain't fit to be a wife? Men who ain't fit to be a husband? Women and men who are incarcerated? There are so many factors with these statistics.

While I do take this statistic with a grain of salt, the reality is there is a majority of adults in this generation and generations to come that do not know HOW to be married as instructed in the Bible, due to either coming from parents that divorced, or coming from parents that were never married at all and very few examples of young successful marriages in their lives. Added to that the increasing acceptance of 'alternative' lifestyles that go against marriage, I believe the number of successful marriages and people getting married at all will continue to take a downward spiral.

Despite all this, it is not discouraging news for me. I may classify as a black woman, but I am also an individual, so much more than a number. This is my gripe with this type of statistic. Reducing humans to numbers and separating them by race under a subject that is emotionally, mentally, economically, & spiritually driven. There is just too many factors for these numbers to mean ANYTHING for me.

I know I'm a rare jewel, and I believe there is a certain someone special out there that not only WANTS that intimacy, stability, lasting bond, holds raising children in a two parent home in such high esteem as I do, but is also BUILT with the emotional, spiritual, mental (and physical) stamina to achieve that and truly compliments me and I him.

I still have lofty ambitions in my mid-late twenties and there is sooo much more to life that I find my peace in than having a man. I find more peace in being a single woman, even though I know I want to be a wife and mother someday. While I am very confident that my light is shining and only getting brighter and it's only a matter of timing, air, & opportunity to walk down that aisle, I want to be remembered in this life for much MORE than being a wife and mother, so should I not become that for whatever reason, all is well.

As far as the importance of a marriage certificate and people choosing to be long-term lovers, rather than husband and wife. If you trivialize marriage as a piece of paper then NO you shouldn't even be thinking about getting married and of course it's not going to hold that much merit to you. For others, it is a spiritual & emotional bonding ceremony, a sacred event that solidifies, deepens and STRENGTHENS commitment to the partnership which with or without a certificate takes work, and I believe WITH that certificate and the respect for the sanctity of marriage, you will have two people willing to work a little bit harder in those tough times to get through it..together.

Cool, now check out our stats for the quickie poll and you'll see that the statistics might be completely correct. What a stat doesn't tell you is why the numbers are so disparate and that's what this thread is exposing.

Believe it or not, but nearly half of all black women (regardless of class, sexuality, etc) aren't going to get married and those women overwhelmingly don't want to anyway!

I find this stat empowering! I truly believe that the women who want husbands, will get one, but it will require a compromise of a sort.

 

[Xerxes]

I didn't take the time to read the rest of the post, b/c I am going through this right now. I made up my mind in january that I was going to leave my long time boyfriend this year. I decided to go two weeks ago and found a fabulous, cool, convenient, affordable and luxury apt right in the heart of downtown Monday. I applied and paid my deposit in less than an hour and was, and am, pretty ecstatic about it. I really want to live there, but when my b/f realized that I am really going, he proposed and asked me to go pick out a proper ring this weekend. He said we'd set a date for 2010 and plan it out. I was very confused and I felt this whole range of emotions and am still going through it. But my coworker said something very important to me, she reminded me that I'd made up my mind, then he started trying to change my mind. I realized she was right and continued to make my plans to move next month. The fear I have though is, what if 10 years from now I'm STILL not married? (I'm 36) Then I thought, what if i'm not married in next December and still with him? Then I thought, what if I leave him now and meet the man God has for me and am married to the right man at the right time with in two or three years? The point, Does any one have a crystal ball????erplexed

Shoot, girl, you had better move on up into your luxury apartment and let him regain your trust. Make him get a nice expensive ring, meanwhile, live your life like it's golden and pray like heck for God to give you discernment. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement and your best predictor of your future with him is what he's shown you all of these years previously.

If he made you wait to nearly 40 to get married, when will he be ready for a house or kids, etc? Could you do better than him, seriously?

Whatever you do, pray first, and then don't regret it! <playing the Jefferson's theme song, next track Beyonce's "Upgrade">

 

[Xerxes]

As long as I can have kids, then it wouldn't matter. You try to do the right thing, fall in love, get married, and then have children. That's not a reality for some of us. I'm not going to miss out having children because some fool isn't sure whether he's ready to make a commitment.

I just want kids so I could care less about marriage and as long as my money was right wouldnt mind being a single mother. Dont think mariage will happen for me anyway...oh well!

If I decide that I want children, then YES...I need to be married.

Otherwise, if it happens it happens. I will not be living with some dude for an extended period of time without a ring though!

If I never get married, I could see myself traveling the world and casually dating. I might have a guy in every country! I'd have my own place with no guy invading my space.

Of course I know if I want marriage, I will indeed find a husband.

I always saw marriage as just a natural part of my trajectory into adulthood. I always wanted to be a mother and that, for me, equates to building a family which includes a husband/marriage.

Firstly, LOL@Redriot! I would love to have a guy in every area code too. It just seems so 007-ish.

Alrighty, lots of you mentioned having children regardless of a ring, but does that include or exclude adoption?

I couldn't imagine getting pregnant willingly without a husband, but I would not mind adopting as a single mom since I would be able to offer that child a better situation than what they had been exposed to before.

 

[Mis007]

I had this conversation with one of my guy friends. I said that no one is entitled to falling in love. There is no such thing as a one true love And I'm happy about that because a one true love is a depressing thought when you think about the fact that there are about 6.8 Billion people on earth, what are the odds of you running into one specific person?

What I do believe is that there are tons of people with which you can be compatible, but that compatibility is dependent upon right timing and frame of mind. I am a firm believer that timing is important. I am not the same person now that I was a year ago. Being emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship is one of the main factors. I don't think I was ready for a relationship a year ago, but I am now because the circumstances in my life have changed and my outlook is more stable. Timing is everything; who knows how many times I have walked pass my potential hubby? So since I feel love is so hard to find and not a given in life, when a person does find it, that love is worth that much more!

Good post and yep timing is very important.

 

[msa]

I didn't take the time to read the rest of the post, b/c I am going through this right now. I made up my mind in january that I was going to leave my long time boyfriend this year. I decided to go two weeks ago and found a fabulous, cool, convenient, affordable and luxury apt right in the heart of downtown Monday. I applied and paid my deposit in less than an hour and was, and am, pretty ecstatic about it. I really want to live there, but when my b/f realized that I am really going, he proposed and asked me to go pick out a proper ring this weekend. He said we'd set a date for 2010 and plan it out. I was very confused and I felt this whole range of emotions and am still going through it. But my coworker said something very important to me, she reminded me that I'd made up my mind, then he started trying to change my mind. I realized she was right and continued to make my plans to move next month. The fear I have though is, what if 10 years from now I'm STILL not married? (I'm 36) Then I thought, what if i'm not married in next December and still with him? Then I thought, what if I leave him now and meet the man God has for me and am married to the right man at the right time with in two or three years? The point, Does any one have a crystal ball????erplexed

IMO, there's nothing to be confused about. You were with dude 8 years (according to your other thread) and now he wants to wait at least another year to get married?

Stick with your first instinct. Keep your apartment and move on with your life. He is wasting your time.

 

[Bunny77]

IMO, there's nothing to be confused about. You were with dude 8 years (according to your other thread) and now he wants to wait at least another year to get married?

Stick with your first instinct. Keep your apartment and move on with your life. He is wasting your time.

Yep.

If he does want to marry you, he could just walk you to the courthouse right now and do it.

Don't get fooled by the "shut up" ring!

 

[msa]

Yep.

If he does want to marry you, he could just walk you to the courthouse right now and do it.

Don't get fooled by the "shut up" ring!

That's exactly what I was thinking. And if you guys wanted to have a vow renewal/reception you could save up for it and do it in 2010. Which is smart anyway considering the financial climate right now.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Shoot, I'm 28 and I see nothing but potential guys and I'm not sweating yet, so you should be on top of the world at 24.

What do you want a husband for? Thinking about this helps you feel more secure in waiting for the right guy.

I want to have children.... so I need the husband. Also, i want to be done having children by the time I'm 32...

 

[Miss_Luna]

I want to have children.... so I need the husband. Also, i want to be done having children by the time I'm 32...

I agree with you. I'm 24 as well (will be 25 in the summer) and I want to get the ball rolling. I know some people don't agree and think these are the times to party and have fun, but I did that in college. I'm over it. I don't want to get married tomorrow, but if I'm going to be in a relationship for 2-3 years, then it shouldn't just be a waste of time. And yes, we all know the whole "nothing's a waste of time", but for me it would be.

This is just my opinion. People don't have to agree but I know what I want.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

Shoot, girl, you had better move on up into your luxury apartment and let him regain your trust. Make him get a nice expensive ring, meanwhile, live your life like it's golden and pray like heck for God to give you discernment. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement and your best predictor of your future with him is what he's shown you all of these years previously.

If he made you wait to nearly 40 to get married, when will he be ready for a house or kids, etc? Could you do better than him, seriously?

Whatever you do, pray first, and then don't regret it! <playing the Jefferson's theme song, next track Beyonce's "Upgrade">

ITA. "I'm Already Gone" (Eagles), "I'm Gonna Fly Like an Eagle..." What other freedom songs do y'all know? I'm there. (that was a quick grieving period)*snoopy dance*

 

[dannie]

Do you think your future kids could care less about being fatherless?

I must have forgot where I was posting...this is LHCF afterall.

Who said just because I was single my kids would be fatherless?

You live your life the way you see fit and I'll do the same. Save the judgement and assumptions.

 

[metro_qt]

LOL!! You're so cute! i literally laughed out loud when I read that because my friends call me the "Charlotte" out of our group. I'm such a sap and get that, "I think he might be the one, this might be it" feeling (but not as often as once a month though )

And I absolutely agree with the other parts of your post too.

lol, i'm the Charlotte of my group too.
Yeah, i'm very idealistic, so I do believe it will happen for me... it's all just a matter of time.
For the right person, i'll wait a lifetime. lol


I was thinking the other day, Charlotte, with her optimism did get trey at first,
it didn't work out, but because she wasn't fully jaded, her next husband came along and swept her off her feet when she least expected it(evan handler)

I'm just waiting with an open heart for my version of evan handler....

 

[cupcakes]

i will get married one day. never is definitly not an option.

 

[Northern_Belle]

I've never worried about getting married. The way I see it, I'm marriage material so there's eventually going to be a man who I deem to be husband worthy that will cross my path and make me an offer that I simply cannot refuse.

I've always believed that marriage far benefits men than women. I don't exactly get all jazzed at the idea of having to make dinner, check in, and do homework with kidlets. Blech! is what I think of that really. I mean it would be very nice to have someone to come home to every day and share my life with but if for some odd reason that isn't in the cards, then I figured that I'd go the way of other fabulously single females who relish in their singlehood instead of bemoaning not being Mrs. Anybody. Most of the people I know who are married aren't what I could consider all that happy, even those who call themselves "happily married."

 

[Glib Gurl]

I definitely want to get married . . . but only if it's to the right person (for me) . . . I used to believe in "soul mates" -- the idea that there was only ONE person on the planet that you were destined to be with . . . while it is a nice idea, I'm realizing that that same idea has also kept me single for a long time (waiting for my soul mate - who of course had the looks of Taye Diggs, the mind of Cornel West, the swagger of Denzel, and the faith of Martin Luther King Jr. - to walk up and sweep me off my feet). What I am realizing is that I need to be more open - because HE might not come in the packaging I expect. Also I have a lot of "personal development" that I need to do before I'm ready to settle down. Now, you ladies know all about my insecurities and issues so I won't rehash them here. But what I've really come to learn and accept is that right now I'm not ready/mature enough for the relationship I say I want . . . I don't remember who it was or what thread it was, but someone said that people need to ask themselves, "Would YOU want to date you?" and when I realized the answer for me was a "no," that really got me thinking.

Right now, I am still very "raw" or "green" if you will. There are a million things that I want to do that I don't feel I could do if I were tied down with a husband/family . . . travel, give my all/best to my career, become more financially responsible (i.e., pay off my debts!), continue to mature spiritually, etc. Now, before you accuse me of "working on myself" until Mr. Man comes along . . . I assure you that this isn't (just) for him . . . it's for me. Because when I make that commitment, I want it to be permanent and I don't want to have regrets about what I wish I had done when I was single. So for me, getting myself out of the "woe-is-me" state of mind and pushing myself to put myself first has been a tremendous step forward.

In all honesty, I think I will likely end up getting married in my mid- to late-30s . . . and by then I really think I will be ready for that phase. For now, I'm just a little girl who's struggling through the growing pains of learning to become a grown woman. I think that if I don't go through this phase, there's no way that I will get married (or end up in a good marriage) because I would have too many issues and too much baggage. (I see this in the horrible marriage of a good friend of mine who is so much like me it's scary. Dude completely takes advantage of her and she stays with him because she doesn't "want to be alone" )

Now, if I never get married, I have to admit that I would be disappointed. I grew up with married parents and always expected that I would get married and have a family. I'm not too interested in being a single parent (although I could/would do it if I felt that I wasn't going to get married). I would just like to have a companion/partner to journey through life with . . . . and I'm finally beginning to believe that that is NOT too much to ask

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

I am not worried, I will get married

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

I agree with you. I'm 24 as well (will be 25 in the summer) and I want to get the ball rolling. I know some people don't agree and think these are the times to party and have fun, but I did that in college. I'm over it. I don't want to get married tomorrow, but if I'm going to be in a relationship for 2-3 years, then it shouldn't just be a waste of time. And yes, we all know the whole "nothing's a waste of time", but for me it would be.

This is just my opinion. People don't have to agree but I know what I want.

I was of the same mindset as you and I now understand why my mother always said, go out, experience people, do not marry your first boyfriend; take your time. She didn't promote being promiscuous, but she said that you have to experience people, as well as life.
Even if the first boyfriend feels like the one, he is probably not. I believe it takes a couple of relationships for one to realize what is right and what is not, it's a growing experinece and you learn to know yourself through others as well.
I am 28 and I know I will get married in the near future and SO and I have decided to wait a while before we have children; to enjoy each other and do us for a while.

I think it is so important to not put a time frame on things like love and children; you might end up marrying and having children with the wrong guy just because you set a deadline and he seems to be the one. I have heard of many stories like that; woman too focused on getting married and having babies by a certain age that they seem to miss the wonderful experience of a courtship and just enjoying your partner.

Take your time, travel, get to know yourself and build a strong relationship with whoever you call God and them your husband will find you.

 

[GoingNatural]

I used to think I'd be okay with it, but as I've come to learn about myself I do realize spending my life with someone and being in love is a high priority of mine. I used to think I could do this without a ring being involved, but I don't think I could be with someone for a long time knowing that they didn't feel it necessary to put a ring on my finger.

Not getting marreid is okay if both people are cool with it, but again, now that I know myself a bit better that wouldn't be okay with me. I do pray I beat the statistic, but I'm going on 25 with not one single prospect lol

 

[Bunny77]

I used to think I'd be okay with it, but as I've come to learn about myself I do realize spending my life with someone and being in love is a high priority of mine. I used to think I could do this without a ring being involved, but I don't think I could be with someone for a long time knowing that they didn't feel it necessary to put a ring on my finger.

Not getting marreid is okay if both people are cool with it, but again, now that I know myself a bit better that wouldn't be okay with me. I do pray I beat the statistic, but I'm going on 25 with not one single prospect lol

Good post.

Wanted to add this though... we have more power than we realize in terms of ensuring that we are not a part of the statistic and I don't agree with characterizing it as "beating" statistics.

Marriage isn't something that falls out of the sky and hits random "lucky" black women on the head. It's something that you can make happen for you if you desire it.

(Edited to add... I know the phrase "beating the statistic" is in the poll, so I guess I'm making my comment in general, not directly toward you. )

 

[aribell]

Cool, now check out our stats for the quickie poll and you'll see that the statistics might be completely correct. What a stat doesn't tell you is why the numbers are so disparate and that's what this thread is exposing.

Believe it or not, but nearly half of all black women (regardless of class, sexuality, etc) aren't going to get married and those women overwhelmingly don't want to anyway!

I find this stat empowering! I truly believe that the women who want husbands, will get one, but it will require a compromise of a sort.

ITA. Also, I think a lot of people can't find someone to marry because they want someone that fits exactly within all of their specifications physically, professionally, etc. If men's problem is they don't think enough about marriage, then women's problem is we dismiss perfectly eligible men because they're not exactly what we always envisioned. We should definitely maintain standards, but all the extra stuff has to be kept in perspective.

 

[SouthernTease]

I'm 26 and single. I could live without being married and being super happy. I think it's because I'm super focused. Men are ancillary to me. I could pull a Halle Berry if I want kids which I don't really know maybe in my 40s. I don't have goals where marriage and kids are concerned. I'm more focused on money, traveling, and being an entrepreneur. Marriage ain't for everybody.

 

[LivingDol1]

i chose:

"Oh, heck naw! I WILL be getting married...eventually"

As pessimistic as I am about dating (especially b/c of living in NYC.... where the men are gay/bi or cheating), I guess I still have the hope that i will meet someone and get married.

My mother married my father when she was 29. That was in the late 70s, so maybe by the time I'm 35, I will have met someone. Living in NYC, it's more acceptable for a woman to be single past 30, where as my friends in MD/DC got married at 24 and 25.

I don't know. The scary thing is if I haven't met them yet. I have extremely high standards and don't even feel like wasting any more time dating guys that I know in my gut that I won't be with. I don't know where I'm going to find that guy but I'm hopeful he exists somewhere.

 

[Raspberry]

40% of black women are currently unmarried - that doesn't mean that 40% of us will never get married. Statistics are not an absolute predictor of the future... so I don't see the point in repeating that stat over and over again, all it serves to do is keep a lot of women in unnecessary despair.

I am certain I will marry but even if I didn't I have faith that I would be content - cause that's what I'm striving for, genuine contentment with Today at every stage of my life.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Ur silly, lol

My sister is turning 32 this year and she just sat me down the other day and told me that I better keep my eyes open because when I get to her age the pickings are slim, lol.
I don't want to be single for the rest of my life but I can't settle for nonsense ya know? I did meet someone special in July but we're both grinding things out with school and work so I don't know, he gives me a good feeling but he's still a man, lol.
I pray for it at night, but I figure I'm 25 and I'll worry about it later, lol.

25 will turn to 32 before you can blink.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Good post.

Wanted to add this though... we have more power than we realize in terms of ensuring that we are not a part of the statistic and I don't agree with characterizing it as "beating" statistics.

Marriage isn't something that falls out of the sky and hits random "lucky" black women on the head. It's something that you can make happen for you if you desire it.

(Edited to add... I know the phrase "beating the statistic" is in the poll, so I guess I'm making my comment in general, not directly toward you. )

Decide to beat the curve! http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2008/10/inner-sanctuary-part-3-decide-to-beat.html

 

[Shimmie]

Question: What if you never get married?

Answer: Never doesn't occur until you die and go to Heaven.

For me, Marriage is my Destiny and it's anyone's Destiny who wants it.

 

[Xerxes]

ITA. "I'm Already Gone" (Eagles), "I'm Gonna Fly Like an Eagle..." What other freedom songs do y'all know? I'm there. (that was a quick grieving period)*snoopy dance*

LMAO @"snoopy dance"

You're going to be just fine!