What If You NEVER Get Married?

[Nayna]

I know right! But she was still horrible to her mama!
I was happy that they ended up married anyway, I wish he would've called her before she got all done up and then stood their crying her eyes out!

 

[Xerxes]

Well if It never happens for me...I am and hopefully will in my old age still have lived a happy and fulfilled life with love. Never marrried doesn't mean that you will be alone, I know of several older couples who either have been together for years..or met someone in their older years but did not wed. Hopefully, this hardworking, independent, "Yes I can do things for myself" marries a wonderful man before I depart this world.

I'm sure your life will be fulfilled as long as you actively work towards achieving those goals you have set aside for yourself.

I guess my real question is whether we see marriage as being necessary for a complete experience of romantic love with a partner. A large group of people do not reserve any expression of intimacy for marriage, so they in fact see no need for a marriage certificate. Others for whatever reason are waiting for marrriage as the ultimate expression of their love and commitment and would feel less than satisfied if they never got to experience marriage.

 

[Xerxes]

I know right! But she was still horrible to her mama!
I was happy that they ended up married anyway, I wish he would've called her before she got all done up and then stood their crying her eyes out!

Yeah, that was triflin' on his part but her family was crazy! They fought so much and I so wish they would do an update on them.

Do you remember the infamous black bride "Marsha" who made her groom "Archie" cry???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqJbNACxmlk&feature=PlayList&p=ACBAA18B15603E93&index=1

 

[Nayna]

She made him cry? NO, I have to find that one, lol

 

[ThePerfectScore]

I had this conversation with one of my guy friends. I said that no one is entitled to falling in love. There is no such thing as a one true love And I'm happy about that because a one true love is a depressing thought when you think about the fact that there are about 6.8 Billion people on earth, what are the odds of you running into one specific person?

What I do believe is that there are tons of people with which you can be compatible, but that compatibility is dependent upon right timing and frame of mind. I am a firm believer that timing is important. I am not the same person now that I was a year ago. Being emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship is one of the main factors. I don't think I was ready for a relationship a year ago, but I am now because the circumstances in my life have changed and my outlook is more stable. Timing is everything; who knows how many times I have walked pass my potential hubby? So since I feel love is so hard to find and not a given in life, when a person does find it, that love is worth that much more!

My friend totally disagreed with me and said God only puts ppl on earth to find their love. And that I didn't value love or myself because I didn't feel like I was worthy of it. (This is one of the reasons why this friend is just a friend and not my boyfriend) But never once in that conversation did I say I did not value love or didn't think I was worthy of it. I know my worth, and I know how rare it is to find someone who is worthy of me. I said just because I am realistic doesn't mean I have low self esteem. Then I threw the basic principle of Economics: The more scarce an object is the greater its value. And since not everyone is in a happy relationship, I'd say a happy marriage or relationship is pretty scarce, thus worth a lot!

And I can live a perfectly happy life without marriage b/c I have people who love me. There is not a lack of love and support in my life. So as long as they still makes toys I will be okay! That being said I already have my wedding planned out haha.

 

[aribell]

I guess my real question is whether we see marriage as being necessary for a complete experience of romantic love with a partner. A large group of people do not reserve any expression of intimacy for marriage, so they in fact see no need for a marriage certificate. Others for whatever reason are waiting for marrriage as the ultimate expression of their love and commitment and would feel less than satisfied if they never got to experience marriage.

I think the bolded is a part of why the statistics are what they are and that many people choose to self-select themselve into or out of marriage through choices and actions, whether passively or actively, and many times wholly unconsciously.

My friend totally disagreed with me and said God only puts ppl on earth to find their love. And that I didn't value love or myself because I didn't feel like I was worthy of it....

And I can live a perfectly happy life without marriage b/c I have people who love me. There is not a lack of love and support in my life. So as long as they still makes toys I will be okay! That being said I already have my wedding planned out haha.

I don't think I could handle believing the bolded. With such a mindset, you'd constantly feel like you had to find "the one" or else your purpose in life was going to go unfulfilled. That's not the case at all, and I agree that love and community are what count.

 

[Bunny77]

I guess my real question is whether we see marriage as being necessary for a complete experience of romantic love with a partner. A large group of people do not reserve any expression of intimacy for marriage, so they in fact see no need for a marriage certificate. Others for whatever reason are waiting for marrriage as the ultimate expression of their love and commitment and would feel less than satisfied if they never got to experience marriage.

I actually don't think that marriage is necessary for a complete experience of romantic love, and there are people who don't believe in marriage and have very deep, loving relationships.

For me, however, marriage is important to me as both an expression of permanent commitment and I also strongly believe in the institution. I believe in marriage as the foundation for a strong family life, strong communities, etc., etc. I am a firm believer in legacy building and generational ties, etc., etc., and marriage and family is important to me in that respect.

If it was just about falling in love and having companionship, I probably wouldn't care all that much about getting married or not. I mean, I still could get married, but it wouldn't necessarily be a priority for me.

But because I see marriage as more than that, that's why I am strongly in favor of it in my life.

BTW... are women of other backgrounds where marriage is an expectation asked to ponder the "what if you never get married" question. Food for thought...

 

[Highly Favored8]

"Oh, heck naw! I WILL be getting married...eventually." =)

 

[Bunny77]

Don't you wish you could sneak in his head and figure out what's going on in there? lol

It's so hard to let a man be a man and initiate, but I'm sure you are doing the right thing to let him come to you on his own terms. I think that men are just as picky as we are and are just as judgmental. So that if he feels that you might be The one for him, he doesn't want to step up to you until he feels super confident about himself. And there is nothing a girl can do to speed up that process. It's annoying but your KIM policy will pay off in the end.

YES! I do!

The thing is, we've been on a date and there's been some cutesy flirting going on. Problem is, he lives in another state, has a ridiculously busy career (although he mentioned wanting a family) blah blah blah, and who knows, his interest in me might have caught him off guard, as he met me randomly one day in a totally different state from where the both of us live and here we are still communicating.

But yeah, there's nothing more that I can do... if he's the one, he'll have to hope that I'm not taken by the time he figures it out! (And that I still want his silly behind! )

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

If I'm 33 and not married, I will assume I'm single b/c I would not allow my current SO to string me along for 9 years. I would not care about waiting to have sex until I'm married anymore and would have whored it out several times over to make up for lost time :blondboob

*In a seriousness, If I am 40 and still not married (and presumed single) I would adopt and be happy with my life.

 

[daydreem2876]

LOL

Well, one day I would love to be on one of them! "Platinum Weddings" would be tasteful, but I think I could act a fool and enjoy being on "Bridezillas" much more!

Do you remember the episode of "Bridezillas" where the younger groom stood up the black bride at the altar or the other LA episode where the bride had to pick up after her reception in her wedding gown?! LOL

i only saw the commercial for that one but what happened to the loud long haired blond who was remarrying her ex-husband... did they bet married?

 

[locabouthair]

I would be a little sad but I guess I would try to be content with what I have and focus on other things.

 

[natural in ATL]

Interesting that you bring this question up, because I was having this discussion with someone else recently and I didn't know how to respond... but after thinking about it, I do now.

I don't ask myself that question anymore because I know that I will be married. I don't entertain the thought that I won't be married, because that isn't in the realm of possibility for me.

I see progression to marriage as a natural and normal part of my life as an adult woman (again, this is for ME, not speaking for everyone else), and just as I said I would get a degree, pursue my career, etc., I also say that I will get married.

I think this requires a different mindset though than I used to have, one that is more practical than pie-in-the-sky. I think if you take the idea that you have to wait until this one great love of your life drops into your lap, you'll feel less likely to be married. If you are looking for someone who will first and foremost be a good husband and father and that love is a choice, I think you have more options.

Now, I'm not saying I will marry any ole' dude who I barely like just to say I'm married. Heck, I'd be married now if that was the case! But I think that I have more options since I'm looking at men in a more practical way instead of trying to make things happen with a guy who I have instant chemistry with. That stuff is overrated.

So anyway, that question isn't one that I entertain anymore. I will be married. (but I like discussing why I don't entertain it!)

Bunny - you have helped me more than you know! I agree with all of the bolded statements above and the part about looking at men in a more practical way just rocked my world!! I represent the epitome of "falling" for a guy b/c of great chemistry, etc. - and then I realize a few dates/few months/few years later that they are not "the one" and the chemistry does not necessarily create a strong foundation - it can be a part of the equation, but it's not everything by any means. I am actually in a situation now where I met a guy, everything "flowed" and I am excited about where things may go. However this time I am trying to stay more objective and really see him/hear him so I can make an informed decision about whether to open my heart. I feel blessed that I'm in the stage right now where I can still make the decision to walk away unscathed! So many times in the past I see red flags, dismiss them b/c of the chemistry and infatuation and then get hurt in the end. No more...so I am all about your practicality comment. Love it! Thanks girl.

P.S. And I truly believe that I will get married and be an outstanding wife to an extremely lucky man.

 

[chokolate miss]

She I would be devastated in a way if I never married.

I know this sounds crazy, but I want to have a large family-like four kids! I am no one's "baby mama" and I do not want to be a single mother (by choice). That means no adoption process at 40.

So I know that in order to do that I need 1) a husband and 2) to start by 30.
Oh the pressure...hehe!

 

[lexi84]

We can always count on you, Bunny, to offer insight and a laugh!

I highly doubt that you would settle just to get a ring, but you brought up an interesting word choice, you said you were "looking at men in a more practical way instead of trying to make things happen with a guy who I have instant chemistry with. That stuff is overrated."

I can't say that I have given up on that expectation of "OMG, he just knocked me off of my feet" sensation when I meet The One. I am such a Charlotte because I truly believe that it will happen. But then again, I love love and get that anxious "I think he might be it feeling" like at least once a month, so it shouldn't be that hard for my future fiance to make me feel that way. lol
However, it is difficult for me to imagine being "practical" about love without fear of settling. I understand now that my husband won't be perfect, but I'm still holding out for some "magic," some spark that lets me know that God created us for each other.

LOL!! You're so cute! i literally laughed out loud when I read that because my friends call me the "Charlotte" out of our group. I'm such a sap and get that, "I think he might be the one, this might be it" feeling (but not as often as once a month though )

And I absolutely agree with the other parts of your post too.

 

[caligirl]

Maybe when I'm in my late thirties/early forties wondering where my life went wrong, I'll look back on this thread.

LOL! If babies weren't tied to marriage I wouldn't worry about getting married.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

One thing to take into consideration with this particular statistic is that more and more people are marrying later in life, so when these statistics are taken is it based on a certain age? Say 35 and never married? Well their life isn't OVER yet!

Also if they are taking the entire race of black women into consideration are they considering lesbians? Women who just ain't fit to be a wife? Men who ain't fit to be a husband? Women and men who are incarcerated? There are so many factors with these statistics.

While I do take this statistic with a grain of salt, the reality is there is a majority of adults in this generation and generations to come that do not know HOW to be married as instructed in the Bible, due to either coming from parents that divorced, or coming from parents that were never married at all and very few examples of young successful marriages in their lives. Added to that the increasing acceptance of 'alternative' lifestyles that go against marriage, I believe the number of successful marriages and people getting married at all will continue to take a downward spiral.

Despite all this, it is not discouraging news for me. I may classify as a black woman, but I am also an individual, so much more than a number. This is my gripe with this type of statistic. Reducing humans to numbers and separating them by race under a subject that is emotionally, mentally, economically, & spiritually driven. There is just too many factors for these numbers to mean ANYTHING for me.

I know I'm a rare jewel, and I believe there is a certain someone special out there that not only WANTS that intimacy, stability, lasting bond, holds raising children in a two parent home in such high esteem as I do, but is also BUILT with the emotional, spiritual, mental (and physical) stamina to achieve that and truly compliments me and I him.

I still have lofty ambitions in my mid-late twenties and there is sooo much more to life that I find my peace in than having a man. I find more peace in being a single woman, even though I know I want to be a wife and mother someday. While I am very confident that my light is shining and only getting brighter and it's only a matter of timing, air, & opportunity to walk down that aisle, I want to be remembered in this life for much MORE than being a wife and mother, so should I not become that for whatever reason, all is well.

As far as the importance of a marriage certificate and people choosing to be long-term lovers, rather than husband and wife. If you trivialize marriage as a piece of paper then NO you shouldn't even be thinking about getting married and of course it's not going to hold that much merit to you. For others, it is a spiritual & emotional bonding ceremony, a sacred event that solidifies, deepens and STRENGTHENS commitment to the partnership which with or without a certificate takes work, and I believe WITH that certificate and the respect for the sanctity of marriage, you will have two people willing to work a little bit harder in those tough times to get through it..together.

 

[caligirl]

If I'm 33 and not married, I will assume I'm single b/c I would not allow my current SO to string me along for 9 years. I will not care about waiting until I'm married anymore and would have whored it out several times over to make up for lost time :blondboob

LOL! Ditto and ditto!

 

[hopeful]

...If you are looking for someone who will first and foremost be a good husband and father and that love is a choice, I think you have more options.

Now you are talkin'.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I didn't take the time to read the rest of the post, b/c I am going through this right now. I made up my mind in january that I was going to leave my long time boyfriend this year. I decided to go two weeks ago and found a fabulous, cool, convenient, affordable and luxury apt right in the heart of downtown Monday. I applied and paid my deposit in less than an hour and was, and am, pretty ecstatic about it. I really want to live there, but when my b/f realized that I am really going, he proposed and asked me to go pick out a proper ring this weekend. He said we'd set a date for 2010 and plan it out. I was very confused and I felt this whole range of emotions and am still going through it. But my coworker said something very important to me, she reminded me that I'd made up my mind, then he started trying to change my mind. I realized she was right and continued to make my plans to move next month. The fear I have though is, what if 10 years from now I'm STILL not married? (I'm 36) Then I thought, what if i'm not married in next December and still with him? Then I thought, what if I leave him now and meet the man God has for me and am married to the right man at the right time with in two or three years? The point, Does any one have a crystal ball????erplexed

 

[moonglowdiva]

Well Glory to God!!! I am not going to live my life center around whether or not I have a man. Sex ain't everthing to me. I place my trust in God not in man so with that being said. What if I NEVER get married, then I would have more time to send in prayer seeking my Lord and Savior.

 

[*~Mocha~*]

Are you saying you'd rather not ever marry? Or either way your ok with it? I kinda feel the same as you. But at the same time I do want to get married. I value my relationship with the Lord but would love a companion. ( it's only human nature)

 

[moonglowdiva]

^^ what woman doesn't want to be married but either or I fine with it. All is well!

 

[blue_flower]

As long as I can have kids, then it wouldn't matter. You try to do the right thing, fall in love, get married, and then have children. That's not a reality for some of us. I'm not going to miss out having children because some fool isn't sure whether he's ready to make a commitment.

 

[dannie]

I just want kids so I could care less about marriage and as long as my money was right wouldnt mind being a single mother. Dont think mariage will happen for me anyway...oh well!

 

[foxxymami]

I just want kids so I could care less about marriage and as long as my money was right wouldnt mind being a single mother. Dont think mariage will happen for me anyway...oh well!

Do you think your future kids could care less about being fatherless?

 

[BroadstreetBully]

If I decide that I want children, then YES...I need to be married.

Otherwise, if it happens it happens. I will not be living with some dude for an extended period of time without a ring though!

If I never get married, I could see myself traveling the world and casually dating. I might have a guy in every country! I'd have my own place with no guy invading my space.

Of course I know if I want marriage, I will indeed find a husband.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I just want kids so I could care less about marriage and as long as my money was right wouldnt mind being a single mother. Dont think mariage will happen for me anyway...oh well!

As the child of a single mother, I really wish I had a mother AND father in the household. If things don't work out with future hubby, by all means go at it alone. However, I think it's important to go into motherhood with a two-parent household. My mother did the best she could do, but I would have loved to have two parents.

 

[N.P.R. Addict]

I always saw marriage as just a natural part of my trajectory into adulthood. I always wanted to be a mother and that, for me, equates to building a family which includes a husband/marriage.

 

[1QTPie]

I would be really unhappy ...
I'm 24 with no prospect and I'm really worried ...

you're 24. do you know how young that is? mark my words, in 5 years you will be an ENTIRELY different person and will be GLAD that you had your early 20's to get to know you. Settle down now.