What If You NEVER Get Married?

[Raspberry]

The reason why some of us do this is because since we were little, someone told us "One day, when you get married..." So we believed it would happen, that some guy was born just for us to marry. And then we hit 25, 30 or even older with no husband and the family asks, "How come you ain't got no man?" Then you start asking yourself, is it my fault alone?

Well if we're going the biblical route, it is in a woman's nature to long for a husband - note this part of the curse after the fall of man:

16 To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you."

50s ideals are just a reflection of this...

I don't believe that any woman should hold out on certain experiences because she is single. You were made whole at birth. And noone can make you happy but yourself, so please don't stress about getting a man to add to your madness.

First fall madly in love with God, then fall in love crazily with yourself, and be open to falling in love with others.

LOL

While this is true, you must admit that there are some things a woman will never experience if she never marries. A Christian woman who never marries ideally would never have sex in her entire life or bear children, both of which are strong biological urges in most. We can't gloss over these things like it's no big deal. In order for most women who have these desires to have peace with not fulfilling them takes a constant renewing of the mind. It's not always an easy road by any means.

 

[joyandfaith]

I didn't take the time to read the rest of the post, b/c I am going through this right now. I made up my mind in january that I was going to leave my long time boyfriend this year. I decided to go two weeks ago and found a fabulous, cool, convenient, affordable and luxury apt right in the heart of downtown Monday. I applied and paid my deposit in less than an hour and was, and am, pretty ecstatic about it. I really want to live there, but when my b/f realized that I am really going, he proposed and asked me to go pick out a proper ring this weekend. He said we'd set a date for 2010 and plan it out. I was very confused and I felt this whole range of emotions and am still going through it. But my coworker said something very important to me, she reminded me that I'd made up my mind, then he started trying to change my mind. I realized she was right and continued to make my plans to move next month. The fear I have though is, what if 10 years from now I'm STILL not married? (I'm 36) Then I thought, what if i'm not married in next December and still with him? Then I thought, what if I leave him now and meet the man God has for me and am married to the right man at the right time with in two or three years? The point, Does any one have a crystal ball????erplexed

I think you should continue with your plans. Move out for a minute and get a little clarity. Believe me, he's not going anywhere. He'll still try to pursue you. Make him come to you when he has his stuff together and presents a life together as if its his idea. The last thing you want is for him to say, 5 years from now...,"You forced me to propose to you!"
Right now, he probably doesn't think you're strong enough to actually go thru with it, and you don't want to set that precedent.

 

[Choclatcotton]

At what point do you determine that NEVER has been reached? at 30, 40, 50, 80???erplexed

 

[Bunny77]

While this is true, you must admit that there are some things a woman will never experience if she never marries. A Christian woman who never marries ideally would never have sex in her entire life or bear children, both of which are strong biological urges in most. We can't gloss over these things like it's no big deal. In order for most women who have these desires to have peace with not fulfilling them takes a constant renewing of the mind. It's not always an easy road by any means.

You know, growing up in the North, marriage at a young age wasn't a big deal, and I probably sounded a lot like Xerxes from oh, ages 16-25... wasn't thinking about marriage, didn't care, thought women overvalued it and didn't love themselves and were possibly very dependent if they really desired to get married, blah blah blah. Oh, and I would have been absolutely stunned if I had gotten a marriage proposal by 21... seriously, we don't do that up here!

But, after living a fabulous life of getting my education, buying a home, traveling the world, having great girlfriends, one can realize that there is still a void. Sure, you are happy and I 100% agree with not putting your life on hold for a random man who might not come when you think! I know I never did that... BUT... another part of my ongoing growth was to recognize that all that "love yourself" rhetoric can sound really good, but the funny thing is, as much as modern folks and modern churches try to make it sound really enlightened, it's actually just another manifestation (to me) of very Westernized and secular ideals of being individualistic and not recognizing the great and natural need that humans have for others.

I think it was freeing for ME and my other very self-motivated, driven single female friends to finally stop and say, "Hold up... something is missing here," and recognize that this self, self, self type of thinking is not how we were created, and it's not something that will ultimately sustain societies, communities and social groups... and yes, real talk, we need to not gloss over women's natural desires for marriage and family (and guess what... quiet as it's kept, men want them too) and treat them like they are things that they need to potentially learn to just "overcome."

This issue is about so much more than just "having a man," or feeling that one needs to "have a man" to validate herself. Our failure to really look at the big picture here and see what we're really suggesting by all this focus on "self" is creating a lot of unnecessary confusion for Christian women out there (again, since the religious angle was brought up), and wrongly stating secular humanistic "self" focused modern ideas as biblical truth.

So, in closing (for now... y'all know I like to talk ), I'd say to love yourselves, recognize that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that you have also been gifted with the desire to love others and filling that need is a beautiful and completely natural thing.

 

[Ladybelle]

Hi all! Just want to put my two cents in....
Although I am married (by the grace of God and some other things) I was just having this conversation with some of my girlfriends the other day. Out of 7 of us, only two of us are married and I happened to be the only married girl amongst us that day.

I posed the very same question to my girlfriends. If they are intent on marrying a black man then the older they get the lower their chances get. I also asked them if they were willing to expand their dating pools as Sanaa Lathan did in Something New. None of them would even consider dating anything other than someone of their own race.

I personally think that despite the numbers, it is possible for any woman who wants to get married to marry a good man. But, there are so many other things that go into this equation. The desire in itself is not enough to obtain a husband. The particulars vary from situation to situation and depend on the woman so it is very difficult for me to give a marriage formula. The formula that worked for me is not a one-size fit all equation.

There are sooooo many things that influence whether a woman's desire to be married actually becomes a reality.

I try to give constructive advice to all of my single friends (most of whom don't listen) but I can't give any here because the advice is tailored to each individual who I know personally.

Sorry if I'm rambling, but here are the main things that helped me.


1)learning to love myself & the Lord unconditionally and not entertaining those who did not.
2) i stopped worrying about what I could not control and made wiser decisions regarding the things I could control
3) i became very selective about the environments & people I allowed myself to be around. It is so amazing what a change of environment and friends can do for a person. I ridded my life of negative situations and people. Guarding your heart & life is so important, things we watch & listen to ultimately affect us just as much as what we say and where we go.


Being single now is seemingly so much harder than it was just 10 years ago. I'm only 28 but I remember when dating/courting was much more common, now it seems people just skip over dating to the main course.

Oh well, that's just my take on it. I wish all of my single sisters success in their endeavors to become married.

 

[cheetarah1980]

If you "know" it will happen, but admit to having no guarantee, I just have to shake my head at your remark.

In my response to Bunny, I summed up my opinions. Basically, I'm trying to see if you are building up hope on something that is not promised. If you feel that you will definitely marry at sometime, what happens if you hit 40 and no man has shown up worth marrying? Is your happiness going to falter if you remain single? Are you like some women who are holding out on certain goals (like purchasing a home) until a man decides to marry you? Are you happy with just yourself?

Learning to love yourself regardless of circumstance is not about gloom and doom, it's about freeing yourself from worrying about things outside of your complete control.

In life there are no guarantees of anything. However, we operate as though we know certain events will occur. I wasn't guaranteed to be alive today. Regardless, last week I scheduled a meeting for this morning because I knew my schedule was open and that I'd be able to do it. I just returned from that meeting. Was I guaranteed to make it there? Nope, but I operated under the assumption that it's a foregone conclusion. That is what I mean when I say I know marriage is NOT guaranteed. A freak incident could occur which would take me off this earth before I have the opportunity to marry. Barring that occuring and I lead a long and full life, I just know that I'll be married one day.
Am I banking my future happiness on that? Yes and no. I can honestly say that if I was on my deathbed at 95 and had never married I would definitely feel as though I'd missed out on a part of life. Being a Christian I believe that sex belongs within the confines of marriage ONLY. The idea of a sexless life is NOT a good look. While I can take joy in God, my family, my friends, career, hobbies, and more those things cannot and do not take the place of a meaningful, loving relationship with one man (that of course includes SEX ). Have you ever tried to lose weight? If you have you'll know that experts often recommend eating a piece of fruit when you crave something sweet. It's better for you than that chocolate bar and satisfies the craving. And there are times when this is true. However, there are also times when no matter how many grapes you pop and apples you munch you still want that daggone chocolate bar and NOTHING will take it's place.
Marriage is not a cure all. I never said it is. I never said that I was unhappy being single. There is nothing in my life that I have put on hold until marriage (except sex and having a pet - I can't keep living things alive so it's best I have help with that). Life doesn't start with marriage and I never suggested that. My life experiences up to this point are just as valid as the ones that I will have once I marry.
40 is honestly not the end of the marrying age. My cousin is 55 years old and is getting married for the first time this summer. It's not about not being happy with myself. I actually don't think it's about that for any of the women who have responded. Like I said before, it's not an either/or proposition. A woman can be happy and content in her life as a single and still actively desire marriage.

 

[Xerxes]

A Christian woman who never marries ideally would never have sex in her entire life or bear children, both of which are strong biological urges in most. We can't gloss over these things like it's no big deal. QUOTE]

And this is yet a central point in my reasoning, should we let "biological urges" determine our happiness? I don't think so.

 

[Xerxes]

At what point do you determine that NEVER has been reached? at 30, 40, 50, 80???erplexed

When you die, so hypothetically if you lived your whole life without getting married, how would you feel?

 

[Xerxes]

You know, growing up in the North, marriage at a young age wasn't a big deal, and I probably sounded a lot like Xerxes from oh, ages 16-25... wasn't thinking about marriage, didn't care, thought women overvalued it and didn't love themselves and were possibly very dependent if they really desired to get married, blah blah blah. Oh, and I would have been absolutely stunned if I had gotten a marriage proposal by 21... seriously, we don't do that up here!

But, after living a fabulous life of getting my education, buying a home, traveling the world, having great girlfriends, one can realize that there is still a void. Sure, you are happy and I 100% agree with not putting your life on hold for a random man who might not come when you think! I know I never did that... BUT... another part of my ongoing growth was to recognize that all that "love yourself" rhetoric can sound really good, but the funny thing is, as much as modern folks and modern churches try to make it sound really enlightened, it's actually just another manifestation (to me) of very Westernized and secular ideals of being individualistic and not recognizing the great and natural need that humans have for others.

I think it was freeing for ME and my other very self-motivated, driven single female friends to finally stop and say, "Hold up... something is missing here," and recognize that this self, self, self type of thinking is not how we were created, and it's not something that will ultimately sustain societies, communities and social groups... and yes, real talk, we need to not gloss over women's natural desires for marriage and family (and guess what... quiet as it's kept, men want them too) and treat them like they are things that they need to potentially learn to just "overcome."

This issue is about so much more than just "having a man," or feeling that one needs to "have a man" to validate herself. Our failure to really look at the big picture here and see what we're really suggesting by all this focus on "self" is creating a lot of unnecessary confusion for Christian women out there (again, since the religious angle was brought up), and wrongly stating secular humanistic "self" focused modern ideas as biblical truth.

So, in closing (for now... y'all know I like to talk ), I'd say to love yourselves, recognize that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that you have also been gifted with the desire to love others and filling that need is a beautiful and completely natural thing.

LMAO

Xerxes is not against marriage and she said that at the beginning of the thread. I love the idea of marriage, but since it is out of my control to dictate whether or not it happens, I won't allow myself to have expectations that might not pan out.

 

[Xerxes]

Hi all! Just want to put my two cents in....
Although I am married (by the grace of God and some other things) I was just having this conversation with some of my girlfriends the other day. Out of 7 of us, only two of us are married and I happened to be the only married girl amongst us that day.

I posed the very same question to my girlfriends. If they are intent on marrying a black man then the older they get the lower their chances get. I also asked them if they were willing to expand their dating pools as Sanaa Lathan did in Something New. None of them would even consider dating anything other than someone of their own race.

I personally think that despite the numbers, it is possible for any woman who wants to get married to marry a good man. But, there are so many other things that go into this equation. The desire in itself is not enough to obtain a husband. The particulars vary from situation to situation and depend on the woman so it is very difficult for me to give a marriage formula. The formula that worked for me is not a one-size fit all equation.

There are sooooo many things that influence whether a woman's desire to be married actually becomes a reality.

I try to give constructive advice to all of my single friends (most of whom don't listen) but I can't give any here because the advice is tailored to each individual who I know personally.

Sorry if I'm rambling, but here are the main things that helped me.


1)learning to love myself & the Lord unconditionally and not entertaining those who did not.
2) i stopped worrying about what I could not control and made wiser decisions regarding the things I could control
3) i became very selective about the environments & people I allowed myself to be around. It is so amazing what a change of environment and friends can do for a person. I ridded my life of negative situations and people. Guarding your heart & life is so important, things we watch & listen to ultimately affect us just as much as what we say and where we go.


Being single now is seemingly so much harder than it was just 10 years ago. I'm only 28 but I remember when dating/courting was much more common, now it seems people just skip over dating to the main course.

Oh well, that's just my take on it. I wish all of my single sisters success in their endeavors to become married.

Thanks so much for stating this. There really are several factors that influence whether we marry or not.

 

[Xerxes]

But what if you are happy but would really just like a companion. Single women not are supportive of eachother so it makes being single harder, like I think I could be really happy being single if I had a close female friend like in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion. Just a person to live and chill with. Is that too much to ask.
Like it is natural for children to want a good mommy, sure you can happy without a mommy, but still.

Oh, that is such a cute request. I do think that reallly close female friends do exist, just like Romy and Michelle. You just have to go out and meet more people with your similar interests and desire for a best friend roommate. With this recession we're in, you might find more girls to choose from who would love to live with you and hang out.

 

[Raspberry]

And this is yet a central point in my reasoning, should we let "biological urges" determine our happiness? I don't think so.

Of course not. What I'm saying is that subduing our sexual and maternal urges takes a lot of self-discipline and spiritual fortitude for most and that it's ok to acknowledge that.. It's to easy just to imply that women who long for companionship are weak-minded . It's much more fruitful for Christian women to help each other maintain a balanced perspective and walk in joy rather than pretending that their frustrations aren't real. Too many Christian women end up in secret sexual relationships or even pregnant because few church folks keep it real about dealing with fleshly struggles.

 

[trj1922]

The thing is that this is such an emotional topic and we are all different with regard to our hopes and dreams and how we approach them, handle disappointment, etc. Some women really don't "need" to be married and will be "okay". If I hadn't married and had children I think I would be a happy person but I do not think I would be as satisfied or fullfilled, I wanted a happy family more than anything else in the world. The fact is that some women desire a nice husband and a couple of kids so deep down that they cannot "let it go" or say that they will be okay, because they know deep down that they will not be okay.

It is important that we are honest with ourselves with regard to the things that are most important to us, pretending it's not that big of a deal will not make the desire go away. I also am not sure it is healthy to keep talking about it or explaining yourself either, I think over explaining our deepest desires can eat away at us a bit. At some point you have to tuck your "heart" issues away to keep them safe.

For me and I think for a lot of women, education and work and buying a nice home/car, travelling, having friends, etc. is fine but in the end in no way do those things come close to being married, to being in love, and having a family. Real Talk.

I could not agree more with the bolded points. I too would like to marry and I seriously worry that it may never happen. I am not putting life on hold nor am I desperate and willing to accept whatever. Still, I cannot lie to myself and say that not marrying is truly ok with me or that I would not feel happier and more complete in a healthy, stable marriage even though I am doing well single. For me, that is real talk indeed.

 

[Browndilocks]

Interesting that you bring this question up, because I was having this discussion with someone else recently and I didn't know how to respond... but after thinking about it, I do now.

I don't ask myself that question anymore because I know that I will be married. I don't entertain the thought that I won't be married, because that isn't in the realm of possibility for me.

I see progression to marriage as a natural and normal part of my life as an adult woman (again, this is for ME, not speaking for everyone else), and just as I said I would get a degree, pursue my career, etc., I also say that I will get married.

I think this requires a different mindset though than I used to have, one that is more practical than pie-in-the-sky. I think if you take the idea that you have to wait until this one great love of your life drops into your lap, you'll feel less likely to be married. If you are looking for someone who will first and foremost be a good husband and father and that love is a choice, I think you have more options.

Now, I'm not saying I will marry any ole' dude who I barely like just to say I'm married. Heck, I'd be married now if that was the case! But I think that I have more options since I'm looking at men in a more practical way instead of trying to make things happen with a guy who I have instant chemistry with. That stuff is overrated.

So anyway, that question isn't one that I entertain anymore. I will be married. (but I like discussing why I don't entertain it!)

Amen Bunny!!!! I feel exactly the same. I'm not even willing to entertain the question. I just love your posts!

 

[inthepink]

For me and I think for a lot of women, education and work and buying a nice home/car, travelling, having friends, etc. is fine but in the end in no way do those things come close to being married, to being in love, and having a family. Real Talk.

This is so true. All of that stuff is great but for, I just don't see it comparing to the latter.

 

[Xerxes]

Of course not. What I'm saying is that subduing our sexual and maternal urges takes a lot of self-discipline and spiritual fortitude for most and that it's ok to acknowledge that.. It's to easy just to imply that women who long for companionship are weak-minded . It's much more fruitful for Christian women to help each other maintain a balanced perspective and walk in joy rather than pretending that their frustrations aren't real. Too many Christian women end up in secret sexual relationships or even pregnant because few church folks keep it real about dealing with fleshly struggles.

Hi, Raspberry. Firstly, this topic has to do with all women, not just the ones who call themselves Christians. Biological urges and social constraints are very real and I find them to be quite limiting, that's why I am trying to find out how you all are negotiating them.

Read the thread, when the girls who were ambivalent about marriage responded, I asked them questions trying to figure out why they felt the way they did. No one got a "pass" from me. So I am far from biased, and I think that all women should work together to help improve our collective state of mind.

If even one woman expresses that she will be depressed or devastated if she doesn't marry, then I feel as a fellow human being that I as well as others should remind her of her true worth. It is not good to base your state of mind on things outside of your control. At some point we should all learn to love our life now and hold onto that joy because nothing is promised.

 

[Xerxes]

I could not agree more with the bolded points. I too would like to marry and I seriously worry that it may never happen. I am not putting life on hold nor am I desperate and willing to accept whatever. Still, I cannot lie to myself and say that not marrying is truly ok with me or that I would not feel happier and more complete in a healthy, stable marriage even though I am doing well single. For me, that is real talk indeed.

Thanks, for your real talk. So you wouldn't be desperate or willing to accept whatever, but you would be just less happy and feeling less than complete if you never married?

Seriously, thanks for your honesty and I truly hope you one day get what it will take for you to feel happier and complete. And now you have me wanting to start a thread for the married ladies to see if they feel happier or complete now that they are married.

 

[Nadege]

I will survive if I did not have the desire to have children. Because of my religion and my upbring, I would want to be married when I have children but I refuse to have them with just anyone. I am now 30, If by 35, I am not married, I will probably have one thru IVF or artificial insimination and adopt the other one or two-I should be financially able to take care of two kids by myself but I will have think hard about it because of the lack of male role model which I want my children to have.

 

[Nadege]

But what if you are happy but would really just like a companion. Single women not are supportive of eachother so it makes being single harder, like I think I could be really happy being single if I had a close female friend like in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion. Just a person to live and chill with. Is that too much to ask.
Like it is natural for children to want a good mommy, sure you can happy without a mommy, but still.

I think that is why I don't see never getting married such a problem because I have this friend for 10 years whose give me the closeness I desire so I don't have the need to go out there to find it. I am also the Godmother to her children (I have watch them since birth-I would do anything for them such as schedule my class during my undergrad around her intership and her husband job so I can babysit for them that is how close we are). I hate to say this but if I end up getting married the majority of the reason would be because I want a biological child. I want tell a lie I would also like to experience sex at least once to see what the fuss is about but that is not a big deal for (I can take it or leave it).

 

[hopeful]

I think that is why I don't see never getting married such a problem because I have this friend for 10 years whose give me the closeness I desire so I don't have the need to go out there to find it. I am also the Godmother to her children (I have watch them since birth-I would do anything for them such as schedule my class during my undergrad around her intership and her husband job so I can babysit for them that is how close we are). I hate to say this but if I end up getting married the majority of the reason would be because I want a biological child. I want tell a lie I would also like to experience sex at least once to see what the fuss is about but that is not a big deal for (I can take it or leave it).

I think the bolded says a lot. I think women who can find that kind of satisfaction from female friendships will have an easier time being single. I have had some good female friendships but none have ever come close to how I feel with my husband.

 

[longhairdreamzz]

I will adopt or become a nun.

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

I'd be very sad if I never got married, maybe I'll accept that possibility , but for now I havent. I'm only 23 so I have lots of time left. One thing I will be doing is expanding the possibility of prospects, I'm going to date other races just like the brothers do. Although I do love a fine *** black man, I truly believe I'd love anyone who treats me like a queen, and if thats a white man then so be it.