What Do These Color Threads Say About the Marriage Rate of Black Women

[SweetNic_JA]

We have a thread regarding dark-skinned children. Some, in fact, many of the posts in this thread acknowledge that it may be common for women to choose partners based on skin color. We have another thread started by a woman who expresses a preference for light-skinned children. We have other threads that address the marriage rates of black women and lament the dearth of good black men. We have threads that say we should embrace IR dating because there are no good black men. I acknowledge that many, many black men are in jail, on drugs, unsuitable partners for one reason or another but I have to wonder how many are dismissed for reasons like:
color
he drives a bus
he doesn't want to pay my bills
I don't like the way he dresses
he doesn't club
he doesn't have the Smirk
he treats me too well
he insists on fidelity
he wants the house clean

I am not advocating that any woman settle for any man just to have a man. I do wonder if our criteria for our mates is based on a rational construct.

I have a friend who is totally superficial when it comes to picking a mate. As a result she seems to always end up with men who she finds attractive but are not doing anything for her nor for themselves.

She insists he has to be a certain build (think football player)
he has to be a certain height
he has to have a certain swagger
and he has to have a certain length and girth

Not once have I heard her mention character, goals, religion, etc...and she wonders why she ends up with thugs who still live with family matriarchs or are dependent on women for survival. I wish she would take a step back and realize her mistakes so she can break the cycle because she really deserves the world.

 

[cocosweet]

I would also like to add that even the women who say that they want x, y, and z do settle. I think that all women have a wish list so do men. It is competely unfair though to ask from someone what you don't already possess or are working towards (and I don't mean wishing for).

A lot of women settle because they just get tired of waiting. When I was dating my basic criteria was that you have to at least meet me where I'm at. If can't do that, what am I doing with you? I spent a lot time being single because I didn't want just any old body, or just any old kind of life.

 

[chica_canella]

The whole topic of this thread is and I have so many things to say butttt I will digress....if I can.

 

[hennagirl]

Seriously. The general demographics on this forum do not represent the population of black women in their 20's and 30's. If it did, I could see your point. But I think that most black women do settle and it is a much deeper problem than the few thousand (if that) who voice their opinion on a forum.

We have a miscommunication Chica. I meant the media, both television and print journalism when I referenced a public forum.

 

[PrincessScorpion]

I've always wondered myself when women say:

1. I want an educated brother...but she can't read beyond Dr. Seuss
2. I want a fione man...But she looks like got dammit I'll bite ya!
3. I want a man with a good job...But she is either unemployed or under employed.
4. I want a man with some class...But she often sits on stoops taking Old E to the head.

What gives people the right to desire shyt they themselves don't even possess?

My girl I needed that today!

 

[Bint Yusef]

I Cant even respond like I want too.....damn girl you crazy!

No! But I think to expect an:

Educated, Fione, Classy, Debonair, Successful man with Scrilla....When yo arse is popping gum, pattin yo freeze frame weave that's spray painted multi colors, wearing dragon lady nails with charms...Asking me if I wanna upgrade to a combo meal for just .20 cents more.... is crazy...That's all!

Desire should come from where you'd see yourself

 

[shynessqueen]

See I admire this and I'm glad that you posted this. It just made me feel a little better about my current situation and hearing the comments that a few family members have made.[/quote]


Let me tell you. When I first met him is own family use to talk about him like he was nothing but a bum on the street. they though their sons where so much better then my SO. But every time trouble came around he was the first person they called. I put a end to that pish.


Now those same family member are telling their sons Who are around the same age as my SO. Why they can't be more like my SO. They all look at him with a lot of respect now. He still have thuggish ways when it comes to protecting what is his (me and the kids) but he turned out to be much more then any of then expected.

 

[Dee-Licious]

No! But I think to expect an:

Educated, Fione, Classy, Debonair, Successful man with Scrilla....When yo arse is popping gum, pattin yo freeze frame weave that's spray painted multi colors, wearing dragon lady nails with charms...Asking me if I wanna upgrade to a combo meal for just .20 cents more.... is crazy...That's all!

Desire should come from where you'd see yourself

da hell is wrong with you today??

 

[PrincessScorpion]

Girl you know you are crazy that you went and found a picture! But happen to the brown bag?

 

[Ms Red]

With charms JG?! hahaahahahaha O my stomach hurts from the laughter

ETA: These color thread have finally driven us crazy I see

No! But I think to expect an:

Educated, Fione, Classy, Debonair, Successful man with Scrilla....When yo arse is popping gum, pattin yo freeze frame weave that's spray painted multi colors, wearing dragon lady nails with charms...Asking me if I wanna upgrade to a combo meal for just .20 cents more.... is crazy...That's all!

Desire should come from where you'd see yourself

 

[shynessqueen]

No! But I think to expect an:

Educated, Fione, Classy, Debonair, Successful man with Scrilla....When yo arse is popping gum, pattin yo freeze frame weave that's spray painted multi colors, wearing dragon lady nails with charms...Asking me if I wanna upgrade to a combo meal for just .20 cents more.... is crazy...That's all!

Desire should come from where you'd see yourself

I'm staying away from you today

 

[chica_canella]

See I admire this and I'm glad that you posted this. It just made me feel a little better about my current situation and hearing the comments that a few family members have made.[/quote]


Let me tell you. When I first met him is own family use to talk about him like he was nothing but a bum on the street. they though their sons where so much better then my SO. But every time trouble came around he was the first person they called. I put a end to that pish.


Now those same family member are telling their sons Who are around the same age as my SO. Why they can't be more like my SO. They all look at him with a lot of respect now. He still have thuggish ways when it comes to protecting what is his (me and the kids) but he turned out to be much more then any of then expected.

Shyness, I am so happy that you and your DH ended up in a good situation. My aunt tried doing the same thing, "picking up this guy and dusting him off" and her results were terrible. I think you are definitely in the minority as far as being able to change a man. I don't know, would you say that you changed him or inspired him to change as a man?

I have a friend that was recently going through a situation where they have a great time together. He makes her laugh and just relax. But he also has some qualities she doesn't like. Going to Carabanna to get "lifted." When speaking about grad. school, he says, "Isn't that more....work?" Not supportive and she wonders why he is on our campus anyway.

I told that even though he is a "great guy" at times doesn't mean he is the one for her. I told her that she can't change a man, they have to want to change for themselves. And why would she wan't to wait around hoping he could change anyway? I told her it's not worth it and she agreed.

 

[JamericanGurl]

I Cant even respond like I want too.....damn girl you crazy!

Fo real yo...Where da hell you think someone gone take yo arse looking like this?

Lemme answer ....No where! But yo tacky arse want a man with some benefits and class

 

[PrincessScorpion]

da hell is wrong with you today??

She is just being herself. JGurl is truely back on the block now!





P.S. JG just make sure you keep taking care of yourself. No more scares please.

 

[sunnydaze]

you say that you changed him or inspired him to change as a man?

I have a friend that was recently going through a situation where they have a great time together. He makes her laugh and just relax. But he also has some qualities she doesn't like. Going to Carabanna to get "lifted." When speaking about grad. school, he says, "Isn't that more....work?" Not supportive and she wonders why he is on our campus anyway.

I know that's not the point, but the above was hilarious to me...and what does "lifted" mean....I guess I'm showing my age with that question

 

[Desert Skye]

Educated, Fione, Classy, Debonair, Successful man with Scrilla....When yo arse is popping gum, pattin yo freeze frame weave that's spray painted multi colors, wearing dragon lady nails with charms...Asking me if I wanna upgrade to a combo meal for just .20 cents more.... is crazy...That's all!

Desire should come from where you'd see yourself

See thats not right

 

[BeetleBug]

A good woman will attract a good man. In other words, make sure you are everything that you desire in a potential date, spouse, etc.

 

[chica_canella]

We have a miscommunication Chica. I meant the media, both television and print journalism when I referenced a public forum.

Ok, so I think you are referring to the Essence and Ebony articles, "Woe is me, the lonely black woman who can't find an eligible black bachelor."

Well, I think that Essence represents a vast array of black women when they feature such stories. And I think generally, a black woman could net a six-figure income and marry someone working as a manager of a bank. I really don't think we are that choosy when it comes to our mates.

 

[hennagirl]

The whole topic of this thread is and I have so many things to say butttt I will digress....if I can.

I am interested, Chica. What are your opinions. I am really concerned about this issue on four levels:

1. The pool of eligible black men is severely depleted due to incarceration, drug usage, homosexuality (DL and overt) and other inappropriate behavior.
2. We have a population of women with unrealistic expectations who are actually inappropriate themselves. The high scholl dropout who works part-time at McDonald's and wants an investment banker.
3. The population of successful women who want an equal partner in income and education. I have 2 Ph.D's, if my husband the neurosurgeon passes away, I don't want the guy who works part-time at McDonald's sporting a grill talking about acquiring rims. I understand the frustrations of this population.
4. Public forums (tv and print journalism) are now blaming the black marriage rate on black males. Black women are publicly advocating IR dating. The media is not a friend to either gender of our race. I don't want to look up in two or three years and see that black women are just not marriageable because they couldn't find black, white or yellow men.

I don't think we should settle but we should each understand the underlying value system that dictates our preferences and be willing to be single to honor that value system.

 

[chica_canella]

Fo real yo...Where da hell you think someone gone take yo arse looking like this?

Lemme answer ....No where! But yo tacky arse want a man with some benefits and class

This is hillarious to me, especially coming from Detroit. We are big on "hurr shows."

But when speaking of a woman that is socially perceived to be of a lower-status than her husband, I think of Vanessa Bryant, Tiger Woods' wife, Tracy Edmonds, etc.

So then I wonder, where do we draw the line when telling someone they must be of the exact class as a potential mate? I guess, the aforementioned didn't get the memo or maybe they did but were like, "Whateva, if he thinks I'm good enough then that's all that really matters."

 

[shynessqueen]

Shyness, I am so happy that you and your DH ended up in a good situation. My aunt tried doing the same thing, "picking up this guy and dusting him off" and her results were terrible. I think you are definitely in the minority as far as being able to change a man. I don't know, would you say that you changed him or inspired him to change as a man?

I have a friend that was recently going through a situation where they have a great time together. He makes her laugh and just relax. But he also has some qualities she doesn't like. Going to Carabanna to get "lifted." When speaking about grad. school, he says, "Isn't that more....work?" Not supportive and she wonders why he is on our campus anyway.

I told that even though he is a "great guy" at times doesn't mean he is the one for her. I told her that she can't change a man, they have to want to change for themselves. And why would she wan't to wait around hoping he could change anyway? I told her it's not worth it and she agreed.

I never tried to change him. I told him what I wanted out of him and it was up to him to change himself. I don't believe you can change a man.

I ask my SO to give things a try before he say he can't do it or don't like it. Doing this to him has backfire on me big time because now he dose this to me lol.

 

[JamericanGurl]

Ok, so I think you are referring to the Essence and Ebony articles, "Woe is me, the lonely black woman who can't find an eligible black bachelor."

Well, I think that Essence represents a vast array of black women when they feature such stories. And I think generally, a black woman could net a six-figure income and marry someone working as a manager of a bank. I really don't think we are that choosy when it comes to our mates.

Girl please white women have the same issues. It's more of them so it makes the number that complain seem miniscule. White women have always married down, because they could get away with it. We're the ones who need our mates on an even or better playing field.

Lemme quote a malt liquor commercial and say....Don't let the smooth taste fool you!

Again I'm not advocating that nobody go to the alley and snatch Joe Joe the Crack Head up and clean him up and marry him. I just find it curious at best that so many woman want so much out of a man and they don't have a damn thing going for themselves.

 

[sunnydaze]

But when speaking of a woman that is socially perceived to be of a lower-status than her husband, I think of Vanessa Bryant, Tiger Woods' wife, Tracy Edmonds, etc.

So

Really? Tracy Edmonds?

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that any woman perceived as attractive by the masses gets a pass.

 

[hennagirl]

This is hillarious to me, especially coming from Detroit. We are big on "hurr shows."

But when speaking of a woman that is socially perceived to be of a lower-status than her husband, I think of Vanessa Bryant, Tiger Woods' wife, Tracy Edmonds, etc.

So then I wonder, where do we draw the line when telling someone they must be of the exact class as a potential mate? I guess, the aforementioned didn't get the memo or maybe they did but were like, "Whateva, if he thinks I'm good enough then that's all that really matters."

Why are the women you referenced "socially perceived to be of a lower-status?"

 

[JamericanGurl]

This is hillarious to me, especially coming from Detroit. We are big on "hurr shows."

But when speaking of a woman that is socially perceived to be of a lower-status than her husband, I think of Vanessa Bryant, Tiger Woods' wife, Tracy Edmonds, etc.

So then I wonder, where do we draw the line when telling someone they must be of the exact class as a potential mate? I guess, the aforementioned didn't get the memo or maybe they did but were like, "Whateva, if he thinks I'm good enough then that's all that really matters."

Actually Tracy Edmonds is educated. As well as a sucessful producer.

Kobe never made it to college so he and his wife and on the same page...Equally

Tiger's wife isn't a dummy either actually. She was a nanny, but a nanny in college.

 

[gymfreak336]

My 2 cents

Everyone needs work. I keep hearing alot of women say "I have it together", "There is just no one on my level" and what not but everyone needs work. My problem is that alot of women that have these lists of things that as a whole might be superfical can't acknowledge the fact that they are not perfect. Its like once they graduated from college, all personal development stops. All I am trying to say is that just because you are educated doesn't automatically give you more class, common sense, compassion, etc... than a man that drives a truck.

 

[gymfreak336]

Girl please white women have the same issues. It's more of them so it makes the number that complain seem miniscule. White women have always married down, because they could get away with it. We're the ones who need our mates on an even or better playing field.

Lemme quote a malt liquor commercial and say....Don't let the smooth taste fool you!

Again I'm not advocating that nobody go to the alley and snatch Joe Joe the Crack Head up and clean him up and marry him. I just find it curious at best that so many woman want so much out of a man and they don't have a damn thing go for themselves.

ITA. My sister is like that

 

[chica_canella]

I am interested, Chica. What are your opinions. I am really concerned about this issue on four levels:

1. The pool of eligible black men is severely depleted due to incarceration, drug usage, homosexuality (DL and overt) and other inappropriate behavior.
2. We have a population of women with unrealistic expectations who are actually inappropriate themselves. The high scholl dropout who works part-time at McDonald's and wants an investment banker.
3. The population of successful women who want an equal partner in income and education. I have 2 Ph.D's, if my husband the neurosurgeon passes away, I don't want the guy who works part-time at McDonald's sporting a grill talking about acquiring rims. I understand the frustrations of this population.
4. Public forums (tv and print journalism) are now blaming the black marriage rate on black males. Black women are publicly advocating IR dating. The media is not a friend to either gender of our race. I don't want to look up in two or three years and see that black women are just not marriageable because they couldn't find black, white or yellow men.

I don't think we should settle but we should each understand the underlying value system that dictates our preferences and be willing to be single to honor that value system.

1. Yes, it is depleted but the media seriously likes to over-hype issues. They think it makes better ratings or sales more papers, which in the end makes more money. But without even stating all of these factors, if the ratio of women to men is 3:1, regardless of race, you are going to have a large amount of women who won't marry. But with the factors stated above, it just adds to the problem with black women. So, even if everyone of the black men available were eligible in black womans' eyes, there still wouldn't be enough to go around. It's just fact. Unless you don't mind marrying someone in jail.

2. I don't know of any women like this. But just because they work at McDonalds doesn't mean they aren't in school to get their dipoloma or attending a community college. I used to think I knew someones situation but as I became older, I found out that we really don't know people the way we think and too many times prejudge them.

3. So, you would understand why some women have different desires. But I still do think that many black women with your educational level, given the right situation would marry a man who worked for UPS.

4. Really, people want to think the media always has some vested interest in seperating black people. I believe that is mainly untrue. It is all simply about money. Ratings. They want something to hype up and get people excited about so they will keep coming back. White racists will get mad about IRD and so will Blacks.

And thinking back to that story on Primetime, I think them telling her history was more about giving background information than about telling that she was bi-racial. I don't know if you ever watch similiar stories but at a certain point in murder or other stories, they always give background information on one of the main parties. Especially if they think it is interesting or adds more detail to the story. But again, as black people, we tend to think it is race related when it may not be at all. That is why we have to step outside the box and try to look at things objectively.

 

[chica_canella]

I never tried to change him. I told him what I wanted out of him and it was up to him to change himself. I don't believe you can change a man.

I ask my SO to give things a try before he say he can't do it or don't like it. Doing this to him has backfire on me big time because now he dose this to me lol.

Yeah, so my friend and I talked about this. She said she would tell him what she wouldn't accept and just be "kewl" from a distance. But she won't wait around for him.

Check this out. On their first date, he made her pay for 1/3 of the bill.

 

[chica_canella]

Girl please white women have the same issues. It's more of them so it makes the number that complain seem miniscule. White women have always married down, because they could get away with it. We're the ones who need our mates on an even or better playing field.

Lemme quote a malt liquor commercial and say....Don't let the smooth taste fool you!

Again I'm not advocating that nobody go to the alley and snatch Joe Joe the Crack Head up and clean him up and marry him. I just find it curious at best that so many woman want so much out of a man and they don't have a damn thing going for themselves.

I know most likely you are older than me so maybe my view of black women is more....rosier. But for some reason, I've always seen it as the exact opposite of the bolded post above.

I don't know of any of the women you are speaking about. I really can't relate to that.