Black Women And Late Marriage

[ForestRose]

I'm not sure I'd say the US is leading. The educational disparities in the US are happening in Asia too, even with the skewed demographics which is very surprising.

You'd think in China where there are at least 25 million men of marriageable age that can't find wives, women would have their pick. No, and I read an article a couple weeks ago the Chinese government is trying to convince Chinese women to let go of some of their requirements for potential husbands, and marry men who might be beneath them financially. Educated but unmarried Chinese women are called 'left over' women because they're opting to stay single rather than marry beneath them financially. Like for example, I didn't know that in China it's standard for men to have a house for his wife before he even proposes. Makes sense to me but the government is trying to get women to relax that. At least the government is changing some of the laws about who gets what in a divorce to make women marrying beneath them not look like such a risk.

The reality is more women all over the world are becoming educated and men aren't keeping pace. The problem is marriage has always been a business arrangement, where the husband has to bring something economic to the table. People marrying for love in large numbers is relatively new. So should women relax their financial standards to be with a man? Many are but my question is what happens when children enter the picture? Women still carry children, we're still the ones expected to do the majority of child rearing. I know I'm not about to financially support my family AND do most of the child-rearing. I notice a lot of men saying women need to consider men who makes less, but I don't hear them offering to pick up a mop and clean the house or help children with homework. I feel like a lot of this talk over educated women not being able to find a man all comes down to this.

I agree but I do think a lot of educated women look down on degree-less men when it comes to dating. whilst I can understand wanting to marry someone who earns more than them we don't have that privilege to pick and choose like Chinese women do. A women could spend her whole life trying to find an "educated", finacially stable man and end up being the long term mistress.

I'm honestly curious what the numbers are for single BW open to IR versus single BW not open to IRs. Not to say IR is the cure but I think the numbers would shed light on the BW marriage situation.

Even then it's not just in IR relationship that we can create more options. Like I mentioned above; men without degrees, men from other countries (maybe becoming a regular traveller will increase the chances), older men maybe around early 40s late 30s who are more likely to want to settle down quickly.

I also wonder how many BW there are who would be willing and not willing to date IR. I wonder if it's more or less than Asian, white and hispanic.

 

[natura87]

I agree but I do think a lot of educated women look down on degree-less men when it comes to dating. whilst I can understand wanting to marry someone who earns more than them we don't have that privilege to pick and choose like Chinese women do. A women could spend her whole life trying to find an "educated", finacially stable man and end up being the long term mistress.

Even then it's not just in IR relationship that we can create more options. Like I mentioned above; men without degrees, men from other countries (maybe becoming a regular traveller will increase the chances), older men maybe around early 40s late 30s who are more likely to want to settle down quickly.

I also wonder how many BW there are who would be willing and not willing to date IR. I wonder if it's more or less than Asian, white and hispanic.

I'm living in Asia right now, dating as a Black woman here is tough but I have seen it lead to a few marraiges. I'm ~dating~ now and while I have made it clear that I eventually will leave to go back home he's not so fond of the idea. He's going for his Ph. D, so money isnt an issue and is at the age here where marraiges start to happen. I'm a few months older than him. I have a plan of how long I will be here and there is definitely an end to it.

My intention is to live in America and raise Black(ish depending on who I eventually marry) babies. The older I get the more in tune I am getting with my Blackness and I intend to raise my children as such. While I am open to IR whomever I marry has to be on the same page as me when it comes to their upbringing. .so that's going to knock quite a few people out if the running.

I think as a whole BW are kinda shafted. ...too soon and we are statistics, too late and we are told we should have settled.

 

[ForestRose]

I'm living in Asia right now, dating as a Black woman here is tough but I have seen it lead to a few marraiges. I'm ~dating~ now and while I have made it clear that I eventually will leave to go back home he's not so fond of the idea. He's going for his Ph. D, so money isnt an issue and is at the age here where marraiges start to happen. I'm a few months older than him. I have a plan of how long I will be here and there is definitely an end to it.

My intention is to live in America and raise Black(ish depending on who I eventually marry) babies. The older I get the more in tune I am getting with my Blackness and I intend to raise my children as such. While I am open to IR whomever I marry has to be on the same page as me when it comes to their upbringing. .so that's going to knock quite a few people out if the running.

I think as a whole BW are kinda shafted. ...too soon and we are statistics, too late and we are told we should have settled.

Oh really. Do you mind me asking what country you live in? I understand if you don't want to say. I want to go to Asia in the near future. Maybe do a working holiday there.
Yeah I guess that is an obstacle coz most people who live or travel abroad never really stay in that country forever. But the great thing is that you have tested the waters to see how it would go.

I remember reading about this group of African American women who specifically holiday in Europe to find European bfs and husbands. Anyone else heard of this? I was shocked. I dunno whether it's desperation due to the lack of options in America or just a form of self-hating.

The last but you said is so true.

 

[natura87]

Oh really. Do you mind me asking what country you live in? I understand if you don't want to say. I want to go to Asia in the near future. Maybe do a working holiday there.
Yeah I guess that is an obstacle coz most people who live or travel abroad never really stay in that country forever. But the great thing is that you have tested the waters to see how it would go.

I remember reading about this group of African American women who specifically holiday in Europe to find European bfs and husbands. Anyone else heard of this? I was shocked. I dunno whether it's desperation due to the lack of options in America or just a form of self-hating.

The last but you said is so true.

I'm in South Korea. I like it here, but I definitely didn't have any intentions of dating here. The only reason why I wouldn't stay here long term is because I know that I want to have children and I wouldn't raise Black children in Asia, because of race as well as the education system here. I disagree with some important parts of it.

 

[ArrrBeee]

This thread inspired me to get off the couch and roll solo to happy hour once a week.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I'm in South Korea. I like it here, but I definitely didn't have any intentions of dating here. The only reason why I wouldn't stay here long term is because I know that I want to have children and I wouldn't raise Black children in Asia, because of race as well as the education system here. I disagree with some important parts of it.

I follow a YouTube couple, AA woman-Korean man who met in South Korea. They don't have children yet but they moved to the States because the husband said he didn't think Korea was the best place for raising bi-racial children. They seemed to disagree about it because the wife was talking about all the violence and stuff here.

I myself would prefer not to raise my children in the US if I could help it. Too much violence, our education system does not prepare them to compete in the global marketplace and a host of other reasons. But Asia's off my list too with a very small number of exceptions.

 

[sweetvi]

My thoughts:
Future black American kids will be a lot lighter and more will be born to single mothers.


Solutions:

I really don't know honestly. If more men would get involved that will help, but they won't so...

I guess all we can do is help those that we love. I don't see a community happening because as you can see alot of bw are very into maintaining unicorn status.

If my black American friends would ever listen to me, I would tell them:

-date! Date! Date! You should be dating weekly. Stop hanging with the girls all the time and chilling with guys. Go where the men are.Do people even go on dates anymore?
-wear make up. Work out.
-be open to the quiet geeky guy.
-stop spending time with loser guys.
-conisder dating a black man from culture or outside your race.
-
That's all I got :/

just needed a repeatI. I grew up around many Latina women and men and I can't begin to tell you how most of them were trained early to get married and have children. Even if they weren't married, the abuelas would harass them into having children anyway. I even know of a few girls who would become depressed and literally obsess if they were not married by the age of 25!. Meanwhile, I had a mother telling me to wait until I'm finish with college and it doesn't even matter if I get married in my 30's....smh

 

[natura87]

I follow a YouTube couple, AA woman-Korean man who met in South Korea. They don't have children yet but they moved to the States because the husband said he didn't think Korea was the best place for raising bi-racial children. They seemed to disagree about it because the wife was talking about all the violence and stuff here.

I myself would prefer not to raise my children in the US if I could help it. Too much violence, our education system does not prepare them to compete in the global marketplace and a host of other reasons. But Asia's off my list too with a very small number of exceptions.

I intend on raising children in the States. The US isn't perfect but I wouldn't subject a visibly Black child to life in a ridiculously homogeneous Asian country like Korea. Nope...not gonna happen.

 

[LaBelleLL]

I intend on raising children in the States. The US isn't perfect but I wouldn't subject a visibly Black child to life in a ridiculously homogeneous Asian country like Korea. Nope...not gonna happen.

I would only strive to raise my child in s Black Country if I were to not stay in the USA. I don't understand the phenomena of moving from one white country to the next.

 

[fasika]

I would only strive to raise my child in s Black Country if I were to not stay in the USA. I don't understand the phenomena of moving from one white country to the next.

Yep. If I move from one white country to another, I'd make sure I put the kids in a private school with lots of international students. IOW, I wouldn't move to a small town in the middle of nowhere, nor would I put them in a regular school with regular locals.

 

[SelahOco]

I'm not sure I'd say the US is leading. The educational disparities in the US are happening in Asia too, even with the skewed demographics which is very surprising.

You'd think in China where there are at least 25 million men of marriageable age that can't find wives, women would have their pick. No, and I read an article a couple weeks ago the Chinese government is trying to convince Chinese women to let go of some of their requirements for potential husbands, and marry men who might be beneath them financially. Educated but unmarried Chinese women are called 'left over' women because they're opting to stay single rather than marry beneath them financially. Like for example, I didn't know that in China it's standard for men to have a house for his wife before he even proposes. Makes sense to me but the government is trying to get women to relax that. At least the government is changing some of the laws about who gets what in a divorce to make women marrying beneath them not look like such a risk.

The reality is more women all over the world are becoming educated and men aren't keeping pace. The problem is marriage has always been a business arrangement, where the husband has to bring something economic to the table. People marrying for love in large numbers is relatively new. So should women relax their financial standards to be with a man? Many are but my question is what happens when children enter the picture? Women still carry children, we're still the ones expected to do the majority of child rearing. I know I'm not about to financially support my family AND do most of the child-rearing. I notice a lot of men saying women need to consider men who makes less, but I don't hear them offering to pick up a mop and clean the house or help children with homework. I feel like a lot of this talk over educated women not being able to find a man all comes down to this.

We just had an event with a woman CEO of a health system here in Wisconsin. She and her husband had three children and she told is that a huge part of her success was her husband's decision to stay home.

He was a high earner too, but she was making more money and she said her children wouldn't have been the same good people had her husband not stepped up in that way.

This is a white woman in her mid fifties. It realy got me thinking.

 

[VirtuousGal]

Yes its real unfortunately. You are too young to know about this. Its the late 30s+ version of a girls night. Drink wine and paint in a well lit room.

Um, not true! My homies and //i can enjoy paint night and in fact we're seeing more dudes in attendance....prolly cuz it's a chick magnet.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I think that's a bit individualistic, don't you? Many women don't know what to do and I think communities of support are important here. It's a delicate subject and you seem very laissez faire about it. Moreover, each one of these choices have a lot of social stigma and real life consequences, so are BW going to be given a break? Supported? Shunned? Ostracized? We shouldn't just leave them to sink or swim. Other groups when faced with a challenge, work together to create networks of support and push new ideas and ways of doing things so that their groups can have the best possible outcomes. We should take a page from their book.

This deserves a spin-off.

 

[UmSumayyah]

This thread inspired me to get off the couch and roll solo to happy hour once a week.

Updates?

 

[MsSanz92]

just needed a repeatI. I grew up around many Latina women and men and I can't begin to tell you how most of them were trained early to get married and have children. Even if they weren't married, the abuelas would harass them into having children anyway. I even know of a few girls who would become depressed and literally obsess if they were not married by the age of 25!. Meanwhile, I had a mother telling me to wait until I'm finish with college and it doesn't even matter if I get married in my 30's....smh

Honestly, I wouldn't follow path to many of the customs in Latino culture. I know and have been around a lot of Latinos, and these approaches to life are very hindering, especially for the women. Almost all of the Latinas I grew up with had children OOW before 21, have not gone to college, and/or do not have decent paying jobs. As much as having children and getting married is a good thing, in Latino culture, it's often prioritized over other things that would ensure financial security and the ability to move up the social latter, like college or career aspirations, especially for women.

 

[sunnydaze]

Honestly, I wouldn't follow path to many of the customs in Latino culture. I know and have been around a lot of Latinos, and these approaches to life are very hindering, especially for the women. Almost all of the Latinas I grew up with had children OOW before 21, have not gone to college, and/or do not have decent paying jobs. As much as having children and getting married is a good thing, in Latino culture, it's often prioritized over other things that would ensure financial security and the ability to move up the social latter, like college or career aspirations, especially for women.

I went to grad school with a Hispanic woman I became pretty good friends with. She was in her later 20s at the time and she said no one in her family gave a flip about her pursuing advanced education. All they wanted to know was when she was going to have babies and get married.

 

[MsSanz92]

I went to grad school with a Hispanic woman I became pretty good friends with. She was in her later 20s at the time and she said no one in her family gave a flip about her pursuing advanced education. All they wanted to know was when she was going to have babies and get married.

Not surprising at all. Although I have Latina friends who are pursuing post graduate education and have no children, it's not without the underlying message from their families of "you're still not a worthy woman until you get married and have children", which is bad because many of them also have issues dating as well. Granted, I don't think the climate is as bad for them as it is for professional Black women, because men of other races are more inclined to date them, including Black men, but some do complain that cultural norms combined with skewed ratios of professional Latino men to Latinas is a problem.

 

[okange76]

I will agree with not following the Latinas. Many of their men have kids all over the place and it is not a big deal at all. Marrying a man with several outside kids with different women is not discouraged at all so long as you get your own kids after the wedding. I don't think I've ever seen anyone being chastised as being fast after they have the quinceanera at 15 or 16 yrs. After that, the pressure to find a man is intense. 16 or 17 yr with a steady boyfriend is pretty normal. Sex really isn't that big of a deal.

 

[sweetvi]

hmmm true it makes sense. One ex I dated told me his mother was badgering him into when he will be having kids? Mind you the last time I checked with him he was still living at home with no career or job

 

[ArrrBeee]

Updates?

I haven't done it yet because I do better with accountability. With that being said, I plan to document my progress in a separate thread starting this week. Thanks for asking.

https://longhaircareforum.com/threads/a-girl-walks-into-a-bar.776365/