Black Women And Late Marriage

[nathansgirl1908]

Well here it is. She done told yall why some of you don't have a man: you're not handling things the right way.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

Well the paint and sip bashing was kinda funny. We have those here, never been. But I've seen pictures of both single women and couples go. Guess that further proves that's were single men aren't lol.

Rare exception - there was one hosted by a black organization as a kick off event to a creative conference. But it had the painting, a live dj, a bar, other stuff. Sure some single men were there.

 

[Ipanema]

This thread made me do a google search, and I found this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...y-married-writer-reveals--bag-husband-40.html. It's about how to get a husband if you're over 40, but I think it applies to 30s women, too.

Good places to meet men if you're not into nightclubs and bars: membership clubs/organizations. Examples: Urban League, Black Caucus, Toastmasters. You can actually be around a lot of men without looking like you're trying to find a husband. Any other husband-finding suggestions?

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Well here it is. She done told yall why some of you don't have a man: you're not handling things the right way.

See...I'm going to have to stop fooling with you where did you find her and has she been dragged back where she came from?

 

[barbiesocialite]

This thread made me do a google search, and I found this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...y-married-writer-reveals--bag-husband-40.html. It's about how to get a husband if you're over 40, but I think it applies to 30s women, too.

Good places to meet men if you're not into nightclubs and bars: membership clubs/organizations. Examples: Urban League, Black Caucus, Toastmasters. You can actually be around a lot of men without looking like you're trying to find a husband. Any other husband-finding suggestions?

I'm not really a fan of these kinds of articles because if you can't find a man at the gas station or the grocery store you usually cant find one in a sea swimming with men.

It helps to properly position yourself but if you naturally dont know where to go it means you dont have a finely tuned feminine radar anyway. No one should have to tell you how to find, get or keep a man. You should naturally know. Like boom. That said, usually the women who follow these articles dont know what with tbe men they find.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

See...I'm going to have to stop fooling with you where did you find her and has she been dragged back where she came from?

Someone sent me that on Facebook. I have no idea who she is, but she's crazy. I think people were supporting her too.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Someone sent me that on Facebook. I have no idea who she is, but she's crazy. I think people were supporting her too.

But how? I can't think of 1 good reason to give a man $500...

 

[Ipanema]

I'm not really a fan of these kinds of articles because if you can't find a man at the gas station or the grocery store you usually cant find one in a sea swimming with men.

It helps to properly position yourself but if you naturally dont know where to go it means you dont have a finely tuned feminine radar anyway. No one should have to tell you how to find, get or keep a man. You should naturally know. Like boom. That said, usually the women who follow these articles dont know what with tbe men they find.

That's why I posted those things. I was getting a vibe from this thread that some women just can't get a man/husband no matter what. They weren't born with this magical, natural gift. Nope, I'm not buying that.

 

[UmSumayyah]

But how? I can't think of 1 good reason to give a man $500...

She is obviously joking.





Right?

 

[Sky]

This is so interesting to me because most of the black women I know that married well, married not long after grad school. I'm also not sure that your chances of marrying a high quality husband increase as you age. High quality men may be easier to spot by then because they have arrived instead of being up and coming, but there is also competition from younger women. Men know that fertility declines as women age so unless they want to get married and get pregnant in the same year, they tend to pick women who are a little younger. Like he's35 and she's 30.

I have not seen late marriage work out for most of the well educated black women that tried it. Or at least it hasn't thus far. Maybe the 35-40 year old single black women on my facebook feed will get married and have a baby in the next couple of years, but it seems like they've missed the boat, because their male peers are married already. A lot of them to women who are younger than they are.

Yes this has been the experience I've seen. My friends who waited late (30's and up) are having problems having kids - and they are black. They were so focused on their careers, felt like they had it all planned out, wanted at least x.y,z in the bank and so and so to happen before such and such and they missed the boat. They either are lonely, desperate and single or have a man but cant have kids. My AA friends who did well married very soon after grad school and had their first kid before 30 and are still married. I do find that pretty much all the successful, black, attractive, upwardly mobile or established men were definitely married by early 30's if not sooner. All the men I know that are 35 and up and doing well and not married are suspect (crazy, closeted or male whores). I definitely think if AA women want to marry within their race they have to be more flexible and consider potential. AA men just dont get into their groove as quickly as we do and a lot of good ones get over looked.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Yes this has been the experience I've seen. My friends who waited late (30's and up) are having problems having kids - and they are black. They were so focused on their careers, felt like they had it all planned out, wanted at least x.y,z in the bank and so and so to happen before such and such and they missed the boat. They either are lonely, desperate and single or have a man but cant have kids. My AA friends who did well married very soon after grad school and had their first kid before 30 and are still married. I do find that pretty much all the successful, black, attractive, upwardly mobile or established men were definitely married by early 30's if not sooner. All the men I know that are 35 and up and doing well and not married are suspect (crazy, closeted or male whores). I definitely think if AA women want to marry within their race they have to be more flexible and consider potential. AA men just dont get into their groove as quickly as we do and a lot of good ones get over looked.

Ive seen too many divorces by happily married young wives to give thing anymore than a 50/50. Folks are married but it aint all good that's for sure. So in many ways I guess people have to go with their best. But some women associates of best make me die a little on the inside. I think most of my friends married well for themselves and the average black woman. None of them married the best or anything close. But for the average womanssStandards I will say most are likely to marry well between 25 and 35. Chances are you will be comfortable.

 

[ambergirl]

You had the Davis- Bacon Act of 1931 and the National Recovery Act of 1933, which was eventually declared unconstitutional and removed but in the 2 years that it was installed caused widespread destruction of the black workforce. Those two acts combined saw the black unemployment rate just about double every year for 2 years and hasn’t gone down since.
Yet the start of the rapid decline in black marriages did not start until around 1965. Which happen to be after LBJ’s “War on Poverty ‘s” Food Stamp Act and the Economic Opportunity Act in 1964 and Social Security Act and the Elementary and Secondary Education Act 1965.
Thomas Sowell’s research even showed us that “the particular culture or ‘human capital’ available to a people has often had more influence on their economic level than their existing material wealth, natural resources, or individual geniuses.”
Welfare made it more profitable to not be married than be married. The govenment will take care of you. Psychologically conditioning the poor to not value the institute of marriage which in turn effected our culture and community.

Thomas Sowell???...no thank you.

There were a number of trends and policies that effected black family formation and stability....not just war on poverty welfare expansion which undermined families because only households with no men qualified not because of the income supports themselves.

 

[mshoney2u]

Thomas Sowell???...no thank you.

There were a number of trends and policies that effected black family formation and stability....not just war on poverty welfare expansion which undermined families because only households with no men qualified not because of the income supports themselves.

LOL I'm only quoting him for support on that stance. Your right, I do agree. In my research that one made the largest blatant impact and showed the most disparity.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

That's why I posted those things. I was getting a vibe from this thread that some women just can't get a man/husband no matter what. They weren't born with this magical, natural gift. Nope, I'm not buying that.

Yeah I know too many women who've done the complete opposite of what we're taught for how to keep a man and guess what? Their man still wants them. There's no magical gift for how to keep a man. Whether a man stays with a woman depends on no one except the man himself.

 

[ForestRose]

Although I wouldnt apply the following to the majority as rule, value usually increases with age. However after a certain point theres usually a plateau establishing a standard that wont get much higher no matter how more years are invested

Women that marry in their early and mid twenties usually marry their peers. That said, these women tend to go for cheap, easy(er) and require less work and investment to obtain. That's the foundation of their marriage. The bar may not be the lowest but isnt that high. While they grow together by mid thirties the permanent standard of expectation is usually set. The best theyll ever get and the best theyll likely be treated by their spouse and within their marriage. What may have been high value as an early wife usually translates mediocrity by mid thirities. Mediocre is where is usually stays.

That's great for Becky. Personally my marriage approach is less like white women but more like Indian and Asian American women who often wait longer and marry slightly later until their thirties. If I were to compare the 10 white married women to 10 married Indian/Asian women. White women may have married first but Asians/Indians usually married better. While I wont apply this to AA women as a group, I will say that most of the black women that are similar in lifestyle, social standing and upbringing closer to the later married Indian/Asians often produce similar results. Unfortunately that doesnt apply to all black women but it usually applies only to those black women with baseline familial & social foundations akin to the Asians/Indians. I can only speak for myself, my girlfriends and observations comparing different black women/wives/mothers I saw growing up but the women who married the best and had the best marriages usually werent the young/youngest wives. Compared to their majority of their peers of the time they married later or almost late and usually werent the youngest hottest moms at the school. However, usually ended up with higher quality everything on average and longevity in the long run compared to the average outcomes of the youngest wives. At 36 while the young wives are busy getting divorced, exhausted and stretched thin, the "old" wives are 36 sitting pretty working on a new house and a new baby with a much more mature quality husband than the young wives had in a more stable situation that some of those same young wives are still struggling to have.

That said, younger marriage has never appealed to me. I'll pass. I'd rather risk waiting til my thirties to be an old wife. *ye shrug*.


eta: actually the above pattern also applies to quite a few of history's well married women, including white ones. Quite a few women with iconic marriages didnt get it until slightly later or til their 30s or 40s as a second marriage since the first one was a bust. Jackie O for example was technically a spinster for her time when she married JFK. Her little sister married before her and older women, including her mother, were worried she may never get married. welp. womp womp, lol

Just the majority I personally know or encounter or are associates of friends.

After college my facebook feed was overwhelmed with white weddings. Sweet, cute, quaint weddings. Now at the beginning of my thirties vacay trips to India or overseas for destination weddings have been everywhere. I cant think of a single Indian or Asian wedding I attended during my twenties now folks just seem to be coming out of nowhere. Brown and ethnic weddings everywhere. lol Those cute quaint weddings and picnic engagements on my fb feed seem to be replaced by private jet proposals and ritzy galas where the bride and groom arent getting blenders and toaster ovens they're getting thick white envelopes.

Not to detract from the topic but..
If Asian women specifically Indian women Are marrying later, it's because of the same reasons as black women. I know for a fact that traditional Indian culture does not and never would permit a women to marry late. Although arranged marriages are being stomped out, organised marriages are still really prevalent. Overall Indian women are encouraged to be married young. Indian women in the west are still gonna be encouraged to marry young. The only reason they may not be is because they have been fully immersed into western culture. Similar goes for other South Asian women in the west.

(Western) Indians do go through a similar struggle to black women sadly due to the unconscious stereotype that people continuously place on us esp us with dark skin. So if they are marrying late then it's due to a similar reason as BW.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Not to detract from the topic but..
If Asian women specifically Indian women Are marrying later, it's because of the same reasons as black women. I know for a fact that traditional Indian culture does not and never would permit a women to marry late. Although arranged marriages are being stomped out, organised marriages are still really prevalent. Overall Indian women are encouraged to be married young. Indian women in the west are still gonna be encouraged to marry young. The only reason they may not be is because they have been fully immersed into western culture. Similar goes for other South Asian women in the west.

(Western) Indians do go through a similar struggle to black women sadly due to the unconscious stereotype that people continuously place on us esp us with dark skin. So if they are marrying late then it's due to a similar reason as BW.

Not sure I agree. Asians and Indians are very socially ambitious. I think it has to do with graduate school and money. Asian women tend to marry best financially.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Well here it is. She done told yall why some of you don't have a man: you're not handling things the right way.

She's joking right? What is this madness? Women paying men at least $500 per month so they can get a hair cut and clothes? I guess she bribes men for love Sigh, I actually feel for her even though I'm also cracking up...I feel bad (argh dual emotions!).

 

[PretteePlease]

The thought of a single woman going to a wine festival or paint party is annoying. The idea of more than one woman doing this makes me angry.

*** painting. Act like you have some sense and take your arse to the sports bar for happy hour or find a cigar club or steakhouse downtown for lunch by yourself--make sure youre dressed up lookin cute.

I be trying to tell folks if you solo roll solo. I'm always meeting men but women who live here swear b4 white jesus there are no men in a town if 4M people

 

[momi]

Well here it is. She done told yall why some of you don't have a man: you're not handling things the right way.

Where is the purple font? Cause I know good and well she is not serious.

 

[ForestRose]

Not sure I agree. Asians and Indians are very socially ambitious. I think it has to do with graduate school and money. Asian women tend to marry best financially.

I think people tend to confuse Asians that hold their heritage strongly with Asians that want to fit in with western culture. Asian culture isn't like that. Indian women don't marry older or have children older. Its still common for them to marry before 18 in India. I can't talk for East Asians but Southern Asians I know for sure. This is a western phenomenon and if it's happening it's down to international westernization.

 

[ForestRose]

This whole late marriage isn't just happening to BW. It's the whole world with America leading. People are putting their careers and fun before family life. That's okay but don't complain at 50 when you can't find a partner quick enough to have you're own kids with. It's either one or the other.

I feel like for BW a big issue is that we restrict ourselves when it comes to who we wanna date. We can't change men. We can't make the amount of educated BM who want to marry BW increase. What we can do is open up to the idea of dating a larger variety of men so that the chance of marrying increases. That or you die lonely.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

This whole late marriage isn't just happening to BW. It's the whole world with America leading. People are putting their careers and fun before family life. That's okay but don't complain at 50 when you can't find a partner quick enough to have you're own kids with. It's either one or the other.

I feel like for BW a big issue is that we restrict ourselves when it comes to who we wanna date. We can't change men. We can't make the amount of educated BM who want to marry BW increase. What we can do is open up to the idea of dating a larger variety of men so that the chance of marrying increases. That or you die lonely.

I'm not sure I'd say the US is leading. The educational disparities in the US are happening in Asia too, even with the skewed demographics which is very surprising.

You'd think in China where there are at least 25 million men of marriageable age that can't find wives, women would have their pick. No, and I read an article a couple weeks ago the Chinese government is trying to convince Chinese women to let go of some of their requirements for potential husbands, and marry men who might be beneath them financially. Educated but unmarried Chinese women are called 'left over' women because they're opting to stay single rather than marry beneath them financially. Like for example, I didn't know that in China it's standard for men to have a house for his wife before he even proposes. Makes sense to me but the government is trying to get women to relax that. At least the government is changing some of the laws about who gets what in a divorce to make women marrying beneath them not look like such a risk.

The reality is more women all over the world are becoming educated and men aren't keeping pace. The problem is marriage has always been a business arrangement, where the husband has to bring something economic to the table. People marrying for love in large numbers is relatively new. So should women relax their financial standards to be with a man? Many are but my question is what happens when children enter the picture? Women still carry children, we're still the ones expected to do the majority of child rearing. I know I'm not about to financially support my family AND do most of the child-rearing. I notice a lot of men saying women need to consider men who makes less, but I don't hear them offering to pick up a mop and clean the house or help children with homework. I feel like a lot of this talk over educated women not being able to find a man all comes down to this.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

I think people tend to confuse Asians that hold their heritage strongly with Asians that want to fit in with western culture. Asian culture isn't like that. Indian women don't marry older or have children older. Its still common for them to marry before 18 in India. I can't talk for East Asians but Southern Asians I know for sure. This is a western phenomenon and if it's happening it's down to international westernization.

Right. All the Indians I grew up with married right after undergrad. They still did grad school and their kids are about the same age as mine, if not older. They have great family support systems so the idea that they can't have a spouse and kids while getting their ph.d, Md, pharm.d...never crosses their mind. Their mothers/in laws raise the kids for them, no problem.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I feel like for BW a big issue is that we restrict ourselves when it comes to who we wanna date. We can't change men. We can't make the amount of educated BM who want to marry BW increase. What we can do is open up to the idea of dating a larger variety of men so that the chance of marrying increases. That or you die lonely.

I'm honestly curious what the numbers are for single BW open to IR versus single BW not open to IRs. Not to say IR is the cure but I think the numbers would shed light on the BW marriage situation.

 

[LoveisYou]

Not to detract from the topic but..
If Asian women specifically Indian women Are marrying later, it's because of the same reasons as black women. I know for a fact that traditional Indian culture does not and never would permit a women to marry late. Although arranged marriages are being stomped out, organised marriages are still really prevalent. Overall Indian women are encouraged to be married young. Indian women in the west are still gonna be encouraged to marry young. The only reason they may not be is because they have been fully immersed into western culture. Similar goes for other South Asian women in the west.

(Western) Indians do go through a similar struggle to black women sadly due to the unconscious stereotype that people continuously place on us esp us with dark skin. So if they are marrying late then it's due to a similar reason as BW.

Close friend is Indian American, attended college and law school with a number of Indian and other Asian American women, late marriages are NOT celebrated or encouraged in their culture at all. Shoot by 30 even the men start to feel intense pressure from their families and community at large.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Close friend is Indian American, attended college and law school with a number of Indian and other Asian American women, late marriages are NOT celebrated or encouraged in their culture at all. Shoot by 30 even the men start to feel intense pressure from their families and community at large.

I met a number of Afghans in when I was getting my MA/JD, including one really cute guy I had a brief crush on. Anyway I was 25, he was 26 at the time and he had just gotten out of a relationship and I could tell he wasn't quite ready to get back out there but knew he had to because his parents were expecting him to be married by 28 at the latest.

One of my friends in my MA cohort was Afghan and although she was the middle child of either 4 or 5 she was the only one not married, aside from one daughter that was 19 or something. Anyway she just got married a few months ago and seems happy enough but I'm guessing she caved in to some family pressure. She's was in her late 20s when we met which was 6 years ago so she's in her early 30s now.

My law school class had a number of Asians, including many South Asians and most of them were in LTRs when we entered. But by the time graduation/bar was over, they were all engaged if not married already, with the exception of one Afghan woman who got her LLM right out of law school and had to take the bar 3 times before she passed. As soon as all that was done she gets engaged. These women are all in their late 20s-early 30s.

 

[fasika]

Right. All the Indians I grew up with married right after undergrad. They still did grad school and their kids are about the same age as mine, if not older. They have great family support systems so the idea that they can't have a spouse and kids while getting their ph.d, Md, pharm.d...never crosses their mind. Their mothers/in laws raise the kids for them, no problem.

Yeah it's news to me that Indians/South Asians wait for marriage. All, except one, of the Indians I know were married in their 20s, usually by age 28. I have one acquaintance now still unmarried at age 30, soon to be 31, but she comes from a super-Westernized family. For instance, she lives in DC with roommates even though her parents live in the area. You know that the traditional ones don't do that.

I have another South Asian friend who is unmarried at 28, but her parents nag her all the time, and she's meeting suitors to appease them.

 

[Sky]

Ive seen too many divorces by happily married young wives to give thing anymore than a 50/50. Folks are married but it aint all good that's for sure. So in many ways I guess people have to go with their best. But some women associates of best make me die a little on the inside. I think most of my friends married well for themselves and the average black woman. None of them married the best or anything close. But for the average womanssStandards I will say most are likely to marry well between 25 and 35. Chances are you will be comfortable.

I hear you. Marriage is hard work and takes time to develop. I don't know that anyone is truly happy at every point of their marriage. I also think you could be unhappy at one point and later be happy as you grow and mature. I never went into it thinking I was getting the white shining armour and fairy tale. I knew it was going to be a sacrifice - I'm pretty independent and never believed in the fantasy of marriage but truly loved my husband and wanted to build a future and family with him. I would say I'm happy but it definitely has not been easy and without issues. I think a lot of women expect it will be easier if the man meets the prescribed checklist or they put up with waaay too much mess. For a lot of women it's one extreme or the other that I see.

 

[Kurlee]

Just saw this study and thought of this thread. I still need to read it in its entirety.

Ninety Two Percent: Examining the Birth Trends, Family Structure, Economic Standing, Paternal Relationships, and Emotional Stability of Biracial Children with African American Fathers


Tiffany N. Calloway


Independent

June 2, 2015


Abstract:
This study examines the birth trends, family structure, economic standing, paternal relationships, and emotional stability of biracial children with African American fathers. For study implementation quantitative research methods were used. Questions were asked through a questionnaire that was administered to 1000 women spanning the united States that were equally ranging from 3 different racial groups; Caucasian, Asian, and Hispanic. Participants were recruited through the internet, radio, and news. This study finds that 92% of biracial children with African American fathers are born out of wedlock and 82% end up on government assistance. The results of this study make it very clear that biracial children with African American fathers are fatherless on a scale much larger than the public may realize.

Number of Pages in PDF File: 12
Keywords: Biracial, out of wedlock, fatherless, black fathers, interracial



http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.c...act_id=2625893

 

[DarkJoy]

Damn. Chile, you need to start this as its own spinny. I suspected. You know where I live its IR central for BM. And tho i never stated it out loud ive seen this trend. Almost every nonwhite bm of mixed kids I know is not with the father. A very high percentage.

Just saw this study and thought of this thread. I still need to read it in its entirety.

Ninety Two Percent: Examining the Birth Trends, Family Structure, Economic Standing, Paternal Relationships, and Emotional Stability of Biracial Children with African American Fathers


Tiffany N. Calloway


Independent

June 2, 2015


Abstract:
This study examines the birth trends, family structure, economic standing, paternal relationships, and emotional stability of biracial children with African American fathers. For study implementation quantitative research methods were used. Questions were asked through a questionnaire that was administered to 1000 women spanning the united States that were equally ranging from 3 different racial groups; Caucasian, Asian, and Hispanic. Participants were recruited through the internet, radio, and news. This study finds that 92% of biracial children with African American fathers are born out of wedlock and 82% end up on government assistance. The results of this study make it very clear that biracial children with African American fathers are fatherless on a scale much larger than the public may realize.

Number of Pages in PDF File: 12
Keywords: Biracial, out of wedlock, fatherless, black fathers, interracial



http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.c...act_id=2625893