ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
Ladies I just have to say that I love this thread (and all others like it). I've recently felt like my "light" was coming on, so maybe I'll be a bit ahead of the curve when the time comes to apply it
The Art of "Helping" a Man (aka getting your way)
- Thread starter kweenameena
- Start date
HeChangedMyName
Well-Known Member
Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue
A sistah can't get no reperations? I love him but he seems to be a TRUE 100% bonafide Sag man.
Well if you're married to one, you're stuck with him
Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue
MsKinkycurl
Well-Known Member
Any advice on how to get a man to start giving you more 'just because' gifts?
I don't know. I get just because gifts but that's a part of my love language. I think your partner would just have to know that about you.
HeChangedMyName
Well-Known Member
So at church last night. The message was from Ephesians 5:25-33 The sermon was His needs, Her Needs
The point of it all is that men just want to be respected and women just want to be loved. When a man is respected he KNOWS that he is loved. When a woman is loved she gives respect freely.
Defining those two things makes for a functional successful marriage. Respect involves letting him have the final say, not cutting him off or cutting down his ideas, if he says that he doesn't want you do do certain things(within reason, of course, I'm not talking about tyrant type stuff, but things like... don't go to the ATM at night alone, don't fill your tank up during the hottest part of the day, etc.) then respect him as your king and listen.
Love for most of us women involves hearing it, being hugged and kissed, getting those little "just because" gifts, taking care of us and our needs. and I'm sure everyone here could add a lot
I plan to ask my pastor this, but I thought I'd ask you all this:
What if respect and love aren't being reciprocated yet? What if it is a new couple just learning one another? What if it is an old couple who have just fallen off? How do we as women begin to reestablish these things? As I was sitting there I was nearly moved to tears because I KNOW I don't fully respect DH in that way. I told DH that there are certain areas I struggle with respecting him in. I also told him that there are things that he could do to let me know that he truly loved me(long story short--single ladies, enjoy singledom, and engaged ladies--GET SOME PREMARRITAL ADVICE?COUNSEL?SOMETHING. Because we didn't and now we are basically starting from scratch)
I believe in the perfect marriage(perfect as in, perfect for those two people coexisting and growing old happily together. . .bump what society says lol)
The point of it all is that men just want to be respected and women just want to be loved. When a man is respected he KNOWS that he is loved. When a woman is loved she gives respect freely.
Defining those two things makes for a functional successful marriage. Respect involves letting him have the final say, not cutting him off or cutting down his ideas, if he says that he doesn't want you do do certain things(within reason, of course, I'm not talking about tyrant type stuff, but things like... don't go to the ATM at night alone, don't fill your tank up during the hottest part of the day, etc.) then respect him as your king and listen.
Love for most of us women involves hearing it, being hugged and kissed, getting those little "just because" gifts, taking care of us and our needs. and I'm sure everyone here could add a lot
I plan to ask my pastor this, but I thought I'd ask you all this:
What if respect and love aren't being reciprocated yet? What if it is a new couple just learning one another? What if it is an old couple who have just fallen off? How do we as women begin to reestablish these things? As I was sitting there I was nearly moved to tears because I KNOW I don't fully respect DH in that way. I told DH that there are certain areas I struggle with respecting him in. I also told him that there are things that he could do to let me know that he truly loved me(long story short--single ladies, enjoy singledom, and engaged ladies--GET SOME PREMARRITAL ADVICE?COUNSEL?SOMETHING. Because we didn't and now we are basically starting from scratch)
I believe in the perfect marriage(perfect as in, perfect for those two people coexisting and growing old happily together. . .bump what society says lol)
It took me half my marriage to learn to truly respect DH. I thought I was but I wasn't. I thought I was doing everything I could and I wasn't and I often felt resentful and unloved at times. Once I figured out the above, things fell into place. I definitely understand starting from scratch. I didn't have any premarital counseling either. I was just winging it thinking if I did everything right, it would work. The respect/love quotient is key. It has to come from both sides.
ETA: It was through a similar message at church that I really decided I wasn't respecting him. And thus not getting the love I wanted
HeChangedMyName
Well-Known Member
you just made me feel all special. )))hugs((( I thought I was some type of extra special that I couldn't grasp that type of respect. What did you. . .How?
I think that more women experience this than we know, most just keep quiet about it and either A)Divorce or B)live married but like two single people and do whatever they want for themselves
I think the lack of respect men feel and the love wives want contributes to EVERY other issue in a marriage. From sex, to finances to fidelity, friendship, everything. It's IMO the thing that leads to the downfall of everything and then divorce.
ETA: It was just a process of changing myself and how I showed DH respect. I have to take a nap
, I gotta go to work but I will try and post later
HeChangedMyName
Well-Known Member
so, how can I get DH on the health bandwagon with me. he wont workout and doesn't particularly care for healthy foods.
Does he like any activities? Ball? Walking? Biking? DH is fit, we workout and run together but he's not gonna eat healthy. I don't press it really. You could start slowly like doing a 5K together and even just signing up and walking it together. Usually starting one physical activity spurs people on to try something new
Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue
HeChangedMyName
Well-Known Member
Nope. he loves to watch and coach any sport, but doesn't like to "do" anything. Not even walking. I would love for him to come along on my health journey, but I have to get myself healthy, maybe he'll follow suit
HeChangedMyName
Well-Known Member
http://bible.org/seriespage/what-every-husband-needs-know GREAT article, written by a man. Is there a way to download it in all minds of men.
kweenameena
Well-Known Member
Bumpity bump
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
Okay I'll take a swing at it. When I want something or for DH to do something differently, I bring up my desires in an almost after thought or like I'm daydreaming or fantasizing about it. But I always make sure to do this when either he just came home from work and I'm cooking, plating the dinner, bringing him a bowl of ice cream and cake, etc.
I read in a book years ago to give them the association of something good with something you want and they will automatically associate the good feeling with doing what you want.
Now most people look at my DH and say he spoils me, but...BUT it has come with training. A woman has to learn her man to learn his woman.
I read in a book years ago to give them the association of something good with something you want and they will automatically associate the good feeling with doing what you want.
Now most people look at my DH and say he spoils me, but...BUT it has come with training. A woman has to learn her man to learn his woman.
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MsLizziA
Well-Known Member
Just purchased this book from half.com for 4 bucks!
"For Women Only : What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" http://product.half.ebay.com/_W0QQtgZinfoQQprZ30888971
"For Women Only : What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" http://product.half.ebay.com/_W0QQtgZinfoQQprZ30888971
kweenameena
Well-Known Member
Bumping.....I love this thread. I'm no longer in a relationship but I feel that some of this can help me in dating, as well.
moore.1506
Well-Known Member
I'll take a crack at it. I have a cancer man and we are married.
I deff think doing something nice for your man (buttering him up) then asking for something can work. With a cancer man it's much less effective. To take that approach you have to be 100% sincere and you have to plant the nice seed over time then ask for something. Also ussually that nice seed needs to be an action but you do it over time and when you ask for something (with a cancer) do not mention how you been cleaning all week so he should do whatever you want. You just ask and let it go.
Respect is huge my hubby will help me but certain things you ask in private. For instance im preggo cant reach my toes. Asked hubby to take off my nail polish in private. There is nothing a man hates worse than being embaressed or being emasculated. Brag about him to fam and friends they love hearing first and second hand how proud you are of them. Again manly things! Lol.
With cancer men family is huge. Getting on the good side with his fam goes a long way. Once you're like family to him he will go to the ends of the earth for you.
I agree with letting an idea you had that he later agrees with be his idea. With a cancer dont make too big a deal about his great idea if it was really yours because once he remebers he will be offended.
Another big thing with men is showing appreciation after the fact. Positive reinforcement works wonders especially with cancers they are less suspicious and it seems more geniune when the praise is after the fact.
I have no clue how to use sex as a tool. My husband is more moved by being cared for so for instance cooking, cleaning, etc. So pay attention to whats important to your husband.
Another thing humble yourself, be willing to apologize and quick to forgive. Sometimes when arguing with DH I just shut up and process everything. Cancers are much more likely to apologize if you admit your role in the argument or disagreement.
Dont focus so much on what he needs to change. Men are competitive better yourself examine yourself and he will follow your lead.
I deff think doing something nice for your man (buttering him up) then asking for something can work. With a cancer man it's much less effective. To take that approach you have to be 100% sincere and you have to plant the nice seed over time then ask for something. Also ussually that nice seed needs to be an action but you do it over time and when you ask for something (with a cancer) do not mention how you been cleaning all week so he should do whatever you want. You just ask and let it go.
Respect is huge my hubby will help me but certain things you ask in private. For instance im preggo cant reach my toes. Asked hubby to take off my nail polish in private. There is nothing a man hates worse than being embaressed or being emasculated. Brag about him to fam and friends they love hearing first and second hand how proud you are of them. Again manly things! Lol.
With cancer men family is huge. Getting on the good side with his fam goes a long way. Once you're like family to him he will go to the ends of the earth for you.
I agree with letting an idea you had that he later agrees with be his idea. With a cancer dont make too big a deal about his great idea if it was really yours because once he remebers he will be offended.
Another big thing with men is showing appreciation after the fact. Positive reinforcement works wonders especially with cancers they are less suspicious and it seems more geniune when the praise is after the fact.
I have no clue how to use sex as a tool. My husband is more moved by being cared for so for instance cooking, cleaning, etc. So pay attention to whats important to your husband.
Another thing humble yourself, be willing to apologize and quick to forgive. Sometimes when arguing with DH I just shut up and process everything. Cancers are much more likely to apologize if you admit your role in the argument or disagreement.
Dont focus so much on what he needs to change. Men are competitive better yourself examine yourself and he will follow your lead.
biznesswmn
Well-Known Member
Check out the 'psychology' page on www.rwddh.com
Dont get stuck on the s&m references or the housework. They r both merely used to explain the concepts
mallysmommy
Well-Known Member
I just want my man to be more attentive to my emotional needs. affirmations, physical touch, deeper bonding etc. he is there for me in every other way. he can just be a cold unemotional stoic fish sometimes. I've shown him what it is that I want and how I want it by doing it to him. but it backfired with him just reaping the benefits and either not getting the hints or just refusing. idk. I've been sweet, I've been angry about it. nothing has worked.
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