A classmate posed the question: Ladies would you help your man financially?

[GraceJones]

i dont really have a verbal reason for why. its probably not even something i would think about consciously just, why would i give you money? idk my last boyfriends family had money and the bf before that was financially responsible so i figure each guy i date is going to be in a better financial situation than the last one i guess that means the next one is going to be rich. *stares at watch and waits* but no, i dont even have a reason other than "why". it just does not compute.

i will say that i always used to think money would not be a big issue in relationships for me, and i was wrong about that. the financially responsible bf i think he eventually grew to resent that i was not financially responsible. i think it bothered him that i expected him to pay for dinners, movies, whatever. i suspect he was more used to a natural off on taking turns thing, and i wasnt doing that. i felt like he was in a better position than me financially so why shouldnt he pay when he could afford it? it eventually began to hurt my feelings that he wasnt very willing to help lighten my load.

i do feel now that i was in the wrong about that in the sense that i wasnt managing my money well and it was wrong of me to expect him to pick up the slack. but i still learned from that experience that i cant date a stingy guy because it feels selfish to me and not the kind of love i need from a partner. like im sleeping with you and you want to count pennies over who paid for dinner last week? never again not me.

And this is what it boils down to lmao pretty much

 

[fluffyforever]

I can't even think of a circumstance that would cause a bf to ask me for money. Even if we were stranded in a small town and he was mugged for his wallet, I wouldn't expect him to ask. Out of the kindness of my heart I would offer to get him some food if I was about to eat. But cash, no.

When my SO was temporarily disabled from a car accident he needed money to cover some of the expenses until the insurance money came. He just graduated from college and didn't have much savings. I, however, was working an internship at the time getting paid good money. But he didn't ask me for it, even though we were living together. He asked his mom and aunt to help him out instead.

Now that we're married, I could see him being more willing to ask me for money before asking his mom in case of a real emergency. I wouldn't mind that and would gladly give.

 

[giigii613]

I racked my brain trying to think of a time a man asked me for money and I cannot think of a time. I did of my own free will stock my brothers fridge and put gas in his car from time to time when he was in school but that is not something he asked for or expected I was working full time and making good money so I did it to be nice. Which is funny because now that I am in school full time he pays all my bills so I don't have to take out any loans to pay for grad school.

As for an S/O no I would not give them money. I would take them on a date if I felt like it but in my relationships men have always taken care of me.

On the other hand I have a homegirl who let a BF borrow some money when we were in college and she had to badger him to pay her back. I told her before she lent the money not to lend it if she can't afford to loose it. Fast forward six years later she and this BF reconnect. Long story, alot goes down, but they end up getting married. She becomes unemployed and he is working with a high income (little over six figures). He expects her to contribute to the household bills like a roomate 50/50 no exceptions. (At this point their were children involved.) At the time her mother was around to help her out. Her mother did not like her husband and her husband was not fond of her mother (another long story) but they put up with each other. Fast forward a year and her mother passes (I loved this woman so much) leaving my friend an inheritance. My friend tells her husband about the money (I was so about that because I explicitly and vehemently told her not to). So her husband starts treating their finances like they have a second income and splits everything. Bills, childcare, housing expenses, utilities e-ve-ry-thang. She gets a job not making much money and he stops contributing to food expenses and childcare all together. He's out on business at least six months throughout the year so it made it easy for him to leave and not provide any money to the household. Then when he returned expected it to be a 50/50 split. She still cleaning, child rearing and working. When he was around he was making plans with her inheritance money. Fast forward and this grown man gets a boot on his car. They are both working full time making money. He comes and asks her for money to get it off. The reason this is funny is because it's the same amount of money he asked her for in college for almost the same reason. Which tells me he would have never tried her like this if the first time he asked her for money back in college she told him to figure it out himself. He would have always know with her he would have to man up. And for those of you wondering yes he was raised by a single mother.

 

[KimPossibli]

no.

there are extreme exceptions I'm sure... but generally no

 

[FoxxyLocs]

When I was in college, DH (then BF) would always pay for dates and put gas in my car, buy groceries, etc. When I had money I would offer to pay for things. He never asked for a loan, but if he had I would have given it because he was always so generous with me. Now that I'm older, I would guess the same rules apply. If he was taking care of bills, giving me money, etc. and then got into a situation that I was able to help him out of, I don't think I would have a problem doing that. If he wasn't contributing beforehand, I'd most likely say no to giving him anything.

 

[PrissiSippi]

lol that same guy is still on facebook making the dumbest folks. He called himself going in on minimum wage brothers the other day....but last I checked he worked as a janitor for the local university. Boy stop. What are you like 50 cents above minimum wage? I guess get it how you live huh? lol

Yeah....i still don't give men money. Just no.

 

[movingforward13]

I am not going to lie- in my young and dumb days, I did. Even married the user... He was content working a part time job while I had to take care of the bills. I thought I was being "down" for him because he did have a good job and got laid off (the recession) and I figured it was only a matter of time before he found another full time. I should have figured out when he was OK with working ONE part time job and bought a new Lexus, he was OK with letting me pay for our household alone. He eventually found a really good paying job and cheated on me two months afterward. I left him so he could be with the girl. She was a medical student studying to be a doctor and all the money that should have been coming to our household for his wife and son was being spent on her at Ruth Chris, expensive perfume sets, and eventually trips out the country.

I have since learned my lesson. Not saying I won't help my man out if he really needed it (minor things) but I am not funding a man again. I am also not living with a man again until we have DETAILED conversations about bills, chores, etc.

 

[KiSseS03]

I did it once in my early 20s. I pretty much immediately lost respect for him. Never again.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

...............

 

[caribeandiva]

Nope. Never have. Never will. No self respecting man would ask a woman for money.

 

[Supervixen]

I am not going to lie- in my young and dumb days, I did. Even married the user... He was content working a part time job while I had to take care of the bills. I thought I was being "down" for him because he did have a good job and got laid off (the recession) and I figured it was only a matter of time before he found another full time. I should have figured out when he was OK with working ONE part time job and bought a new Lexus, he was OK with letting me pay for our household alone. He eventually found a really good paying job and cheated on me two months afterward. I left him so he could be with the girl. She was a medical student studying to be a doctor and all the money that should have been coming to our household for his wife and son was being spent on her at Ruth Chris, expensive perfume sets, and eventually trips out the country.

I have since learned my lesson. Not saying I won't help my man out if he really needed it (minor things) but I am not funding a man again. I am also not living with a man again until we have DETAILED conversations about bills, chores, etc.

Wow! This is an addendum to my personal mantra/theory of never be the "down" chick.

for it go down in this way after being MARRIED is ugly. I've seen it from the perspective of dude gets taken care of and cheats/leaves when he gets a real job, but never from husband makes good money, looses job, wife takes care of their household and still husband cheats after reestablishing himself.

Goodness, your narrative pisses ME off. What a treasonous terrorist ingrate.

In your opinion, is it best to leave when a HUSBAND falls off financially? Or just when he isn't doing everything to pull his weight?

 

[ladysaraii]

So even though I'm anti women giving men money, I have twice (same guy).

It was small amounts, like 40 the first time and maybe 100 the second. At that point, we'd been dealing with each other for a couple years at this point, so I knew him and I knew his financial character. Each time, he paid me back within a week or two. Would I do the same at this age? Heck no. I would expect a man to be established and stable. In this case, we were both college students (or perhaps he had just graduated...either way, no time to be established).

Still would I advise a woman to give a man money? No.

 

[movingforward13]

Wow! This is an addendum to my personal mantra/theory of never be the "down" chick.

for it go down in this way after being MARRIED is ugly. I've seen it from the perspective of dude gets taken care of and cheats/leaves when he gets a real job, but never from husband makes good money, looses job, wife takes care of their household and still husband cheats after reestablishing himself.

Goodness, your narrative pisses ME off. What a treasonous terrorist ingrate.

In your opinion, is it best to leave when a HUSBAND falls off financially? Or just when he isn't doing everything to pull his weight?

My story is pretty messed up. We were married 2 weeks before I found out he was cheating with a woman he met a month before the wedding.
We were together 4-5 years with a son by then.

When we first met, he had the bomb ass job, then the recession hit, he lost it and I unfortunately let him move in with me. We didn't have the talk of bills and etc. before hand and he was living with his mama before he moved in. Therefore he thought I was going to be his mama that he sleeps with. From day one he didn't understand to pull his weight and I didn't have the sense to kick him out.

Eventually, we decided to have a child together (yes I know, completely dumb) and he seemed to man up for a little while after our son was born. But he refused to work full time unless it was a job in his field (he is a television director for the news). At that time- no one was hiring full time. So I had all the financial weight and I was going to school full time to finish my second degree.

What made me mad was that he went out a bought a new Lexus even though his dumb ass was only working part time. That car note was about $500 a month. Then he had other bills/ debts and so he couldn't contribute to our household. He ended up asking me for money a few times to pay his bills. I got upset and was like if we doing all this, you might as well propose so I am not feeling like a dumb ass for staying with you. I let him claim our son on his tax return- he got back $7000 and bought me a $500 engagement (shut up) ring. Again- dumb ass me.

We were engaged a year and a half before the wedding. 3 months before the wedding, he got the full time job in Philly working for ABC. Job was paying $450 a day and he was working 5 days a week. 2 months before the wedding, he moved and started working. 4-6 weeks before the wedding, he met her- med student at Temple University. He told me a week before he wedding that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go through with it. I thought he got cold feet and asked him to make a decision. He chose to get married.
2 days after the wedding, I got ILYBIANILWY (I love you but I am not in love with you). I finally decided to snoop through his phone and all was revealed. Dinners to Ruth Chris, the popped condom which resulted in him giving her $50 for plan B, how he missed her because she was busy studying...

Hindsight- I made some dumb ass decisions all in the name of love. I was in my mid 20s and in love. I also wanted to keep my family together. Never again.

Since then I found out hat he tried to take out credit to buy her a nice engagement ring. He wouldn't do that for me. He also tried to relocate with her since she is now in NYC to do her residency at Cornell Hospital. Meanwhile besides a few "sorries," he never sat down to talk to me about what happened. $20K wedding, that he paid half for, down the drain. Our family broken for our son. And a whole bunch of ridiculous changes.
She found out what he did but she stayed with him. She definitely avoids me though *shrug*

A whole bunch of lessons learned:
- Do not accept a cheap engagement ring from a man- what he buys you is how he feels about you and the relationship.

- Don't have a man with a child who won't change your last name on his own. He was adamant about having kids before getting married. All the men in his family did it that was and he expected me to wait my turn. But he was older and wanted to have his first child ASAP.

- If he doesn't feel the provider role is legitimate for men, he is an undercover user... so RUN. He expected me to be like his mother. His mother worked while his father stayed home with the kids.

- Don't move in with a man before talking all the essentials. Who is going to do what, be responsible for what, pay for what. Also, what debts is he bringing into the relationship. My ex brought $150K worth of student loans that I almost helped him pay for.

- If his momma doesn't like you and he doesn't stand up for you- you may just want to cut it. It will only get worse. His mother encouraged him to cheat on me with med girl I found out via the text messages. She didn't care for her grandson in the process.

I will still always be the "down chick" but a man is going to have to do a lot for me to extend myself the way I did with my ex. Like for starters, change my last name. I learned my lesson- never again funding a man. I am refuse to marry one that is financially incompetent.

Sorry for the book.

 

[Supervixen]

Bless you sisterfriend!!!!!!!!! You learned a lot and I know you're better for it!

My story is pretty messed up. We were married 2 weeks before I found out he was cheating with a woman he met a month before the wedding.
We were together 4-5 years with a son by then.

When we first met, he had the bomb ass job, then the recession hit, he lost it and I unfortunately let him move in with me. We didn't have the talk of bills and etc. before hand and he was living with his mama before he moved in. Therefore he thought I was going to be his mama that he sleeps with. From day one he didn't understand to pull his weight and I didn't have the sense to kick him out.

Eventually, we decided to have a child together (yes I know, completely dumb) and he seemed to man up for a little while after our son was born. But he refused to work full time unless it was a job in his field (he is a television director for the news). At that time- no one was hiring full time. So I had all the financial weight and I was going to school full time to finish my second degree.

What made me mad was that he went out a bought a new Lexus even though his dumb ass was only working part time. That car note was about $500 a month. Then he had other bills/ debts and so he couldn't contribute to our household. He ended up asking me for money a few times to pay his bills. I got upset and was like if we doing all this, you might as well propose so I am not feeling like a dumb ass for staying with you. I let him claim our son on his tax return- he got back $7000 and bought me a $500 engagement (shut up) ring. Again- dumb ass me.

We were engaged a year and a half before the wedding. 3 months before the wedding, he got the full time job in Philly working for ABC. Job was paying $450 a day and he was working 5 days a week. 2 months before the wedding, he moved and started working. 4-6 weeks before the wedding, he met her- med student at Temple University. He told me a week before he wedding that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go through with it. I thought he got cold feet and asked him to make a decision. He chose to get married.
2 days after the wedding, I got ILYBIANILWY (I love you but I am not in love with you). I finally decided to snoop through his phone and all was revealed. Dinners to Ruth Chris, the popped condom which resulted in him giving her $50 for plan B, how he missed her because she was busy studying...

Hindsight- I made some dumb ass decisions all in the name of love. I was in my mid 20s and in love. I also wanted to keep my family together. Never again.

Since then I found out hat he tried to take out credit to buy her a nice engagement ring. He wouldn't do that for me. He also tried to relocate with her since she is now in NYC to do her residency at Cornell Hospital. Meanwhile besides a few "sorries," he never sat down to talk to me about what happened. $20K wedding, that he paid half for, down the drain. Our family broken for our son. And a whole bunch of ridiculous changes.
She found out what he did but she stayed with him. She definitely avoids me though *shrug*

A whole bunch of lessons learned:
- Do not accept a cheap engagement ring from a man- what he buys you is how he feels about you and the relationship.

- Don't have a man with a child who won't change your last name on his own. He was adamant about having kids before getting married. All the men in his family did it that was and he expected me to wait my turn. But he was older and wanted to have his first child ASAP.

- If he doesn't feel the provider role is legitimate for men, he is an undercover user... so RUN. He expected me to be like his mother. His mother worked while his father stayed home with the kids.

- Don't move in with a man before talking all the essentials. Who is going to do what, be responsible for what, pay for what. Also, what debts is he bringing into the relationship. My ex brought $150K worth of student loans that I almost helped him pay for.

- If his momma doesn't like you and he doesn't stand up for you- you may just want to cut it. It will only get worse. His mother encouraged him to cheat on me with med girl I found out via the text messages. She didn't care for her grandson in the process.

I will still always be the "down chick" but a man is going to have to do a lot for me to extend myself the way I did with my ex. Like for starters, change my last name. I learned my lesson- never again funding a man. I am refuse to marry one that is financially incompetent.

Sorry for the book.