I am bad and unfair in arguing, so I just wait and reflect.
Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue
The Art of "Helping" a Man (aka getting your way)
- Thread starter kweenameena
- Start date
I am bad and unfair in arguing, so I just wait and reflect.
Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue
Coffee
Well-Known Member
I've never had this problem with my hubby, even before we got married. Part of it, is he always wants to please me and make sure I'm happy.
I always encourage, praise, and let him know how wonderful he is. Now, this is all true, but men need to hear it. If I want something, I will ask what he thinks of what ever I plan on purchasing, and if he likes it. Most of the time, he response is "If you like it, I like it"
I find that as long as you continually let your hubby know how appreciated he is and thank him for doing things for you, he is even more willing to please you.
Don't criticize him and put him down when he makes a mistake; it ok, we all make mistakes.
I actually talked my hubby into buying me 6 pair of sandals .......in different colors.
Do what needs to be done, to get what you want done.....it works ladies.
If you think about it, being this way, is how we would like to be treated.
I always encourage, praise, and let him know how wonderful he is. Now, this is all true, but men need to hear it. If I want something, I will ask what he thinks of what ever I plan on purchasing, and if he likes it. Most of the time, he response is "If you like it, I like it"
I find that as long as you continually let your hubby know how appreciated he is and thank him for doing things for you, he is even more willing to please you.
Don't criticize him and put him down when he makes a mistake; it ok, we all make mistakes.
I actually talked my hubby into buying me 6 pair of sandals .......in different colors.
Do what needs to be done, to get what you want done.....it works ladies.
If you think about it, being this way, is how we would like to be treated.
MrsMe
Well-Known Member
Now, my question is what do you do or say when he disappoints you? I'm not talking about cheating or anything serious of that sort, before people jump to conclusions. 
I'm the type to express my feelings to DH right away and I used to be harsh in my delivery...
Now I am gentle but some things still don't get done unless I start badgering him.
I want to let go and let him take care of me, but I'm afraid to do that. It's not about being independent or doing it my way, because I always consult DH before I do something. It's more about the certainty that things will get done in time if I do them myself.
This marriage thing is confusing...
I'm the type to express my feelings to DH right away and I used to be harsh in my delivery...
Now I am gentle but some things still don't get done unless I start badgering him. I want to let go and let him take care of me, but I'm afraid to do that. It's not about being independent or doing it my way, because I always consult DH before I do something. It's more about the certainty that things will get done in time if I do them myself.
This marriage thing is confusing...
FemmeCreole
Island Gyal
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Coffee
Well-Known Member
Now, my question is what do you do or say when he disappoints you? I'm not talking about cheating or anything serious of that sort, before people jump to conclusions.
I'm the type to express my feelings to DH right away and I used to be harsh in my delivery...
I want to let go and let him take care of me, but I'm afraid to do that. It's not about being independent or doing it my way, because I always consult DH before I do something. It's more about the certainty that things will get done in time if I do them myself.
This marriage thing is confusing...
MrsMe, can you give an example of how he disappoints you?
We as women have a "time frame" when we want something done, but does your hubby know that you have a time frame? If not, he may not think it's that big of a deal to get it done right away. Sometimes we just need to pick our battles and if it's not that big of a deal, let him fix it in his own time.
If it's urgent/important that it needs to be done, tell him and give him a time frame in which you would like it done.
Don't expect our hubby's to read our minds, that would keep us frustrated
.
MrsMe
Well-Known Member
Coffee Without putting our business out there, I was disappointed when we made financial plans and he didn't do his part. He's taking care of business, pays the bills and always on time but when it comes to savings, it is difficult for him to do it without me checking in.
We plan to buy a house next year so he knows the deadline. I need to try a different approach. I could handle his money myself because I have access to his accounts but I don't want to treat him like a child.
We plan to buy a house next year so he knows the deadline. I need to try a different approach.
I could handle his money myself because I have access to his accounts but I don't want to treat him like a child.itismehmmkay
Well-Known Member
It's about planting the seed. You mention something you'd like to do then come up with your own reasons why it wouldn't work. Then he feels compelled to make it work himself.
Me: I'd like to remodel the kitchen. I want new countertops and floors.
DH: Why? It's fine.
Me: It's so outdated. I want an update.
DH: That's a lot of money. We said we were going to save.
Me: Yeah. You're right. It's expensive. We don't have it like that right now.
(meanwhile, HGTV is always on and we just happen to visit friends with
nicer kitchens)
DH: I'm tired of looking at this kitchen. It's just raggedy.
Me: It's okay. We'll do it in a few years.
DH: Remember Jerry and Tracy's kitchen? That was nice. He gave me the
name of the contractor.
Me: The contractor? Oh, my God! That must have been expensive! We
can't afford that!
DH: It's not going to be that much. And it'll just cost more a few years from
now. You need to stop worrying about everything.
Me: Okay. I guess we could get an estimate(pulls decorating magazines from
their hiding place)
LOL this is EXACTLY how to do it.
It's all about planting the seed. You can do this vocally, or even try out nonverbally (put something in plain sight just to see what the reaction is). Then you just back away.
I am always so f-n amazed how a topic can be brought back up by a man as if I never said anything. Like they'll take complete ownership of that and that's what you want. DO NOT state how it was your idea or anything like, "Oh that's what I already said", "Right...we talked about that". Instead just be like, "Oh yea that is cool", "Yep, great idea...I like that". I don't know if they seriously forget or what. But it's a pride thing if they think that you were the one telling them to do it; it's too much like nagging/mothering.
I first heard/read about this in WMLB (The Smart Fox or somethign like that). But I didn't really start using it until I was with my ex-husband. I found things were alot smoother if I was just sweet, chill, and make it where everything was his idea. Now I just do this with all men actually, romantic, platonic, etc. And really, the more Type A his personality, the better it works...again I think the pride thing.
A man is like a bull.
He can be lead (hence ring in its nose...)
But if you try to drive him, he may turn and run you over.
My man is Taurus lol! This works a treat.
We read a great book together( I read ,he listened....) I would make it fun and we both learnt so much.
With this book and my own info I now have it down to a Tee!
We women tend to speak to our men as though we talking to our girlfriends etc.
We are generally wired differently.
I actually get a buzz out of knowing im in control of myself and most situations without ever belittling my man,especially in front of peeps.
He can be lead (hence ring in its nose...)
But if you try to drive him, he may turn and run you over.
My man is Taurus lol! This works a treat.
We read a great book together( I read ,he listened....) I would make it fun and we both learnt so much.
With this book and my own info I now have it down to a Tee!
We women tend to speak to our men as though we talking to our girlfriends etc.
We are generally wired differently.
I actually get a buzz out of knowing im in control of myself and most situations without ever belittling my man,especially in front of peeps.
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Coffee Without putting our business out there, I was disappointed when we made financial plans and he didn't do his part. He's taking care of business, pays the bills and always on time but when it comes to savings, it is difficult for him to do it without me checking in.
We plan to buy a house next year so he knows the deadline. I need to try a different approach.
Is there a way you could say or express to him that you're better with the finances and to let you handle them? I was always raised the woman handles the money so I do for us. Most men are typically fine with that I think. It's the approach. Since this is something important for the two of you.
tocktick
Well-Known Member
It's about planting the seed. You mention something you'd like to do then come up with your own reasons why it wouldn't work. Then he feels compelled to make it work himself.
Me: I'd like to remodel the kitchen. I want new countertops and floors.
DH: Why? It's fine.
Me: It's so outdated. I want an update.
DH: That's a lot of money. We said we were going to save.
Me: Yeah. You're right. It's expensive. We don't have it like that right now.
(meanwhile, HGTV is always on and we just happen to visit friends with
nicer kitchens)
DH: I'm tired of looking at this kitchen. It's just raggedy.
Me: It's okay. We'll do it in a few years.
DH: Remember Jerry and Tracy's kitchen? That was nice. He gave me the
name of the contractor.
Me: The contractor? Oh, my God! That must have been expensive! We
can't afford that!
DH: It's not going to be that much. And it'll just cost more a few years from
now. You need to stop worrying about everything.
Me: Okay. I guess we could get an estimate(pulls decorating magazines from
their hiding place)
I'm a fan of old videos and this scenario completely reminds me of this video from '55. It's about a wife wanting a new kitchen. It differs in that the wife goes on a trip and doesn't prepare food etc, so the husband has to do it all and realises that their kitchen sucks.
Their friend's kitchen is also used as an example of a better kitchen. Nary a trace of nagging. 11:50 onwards more or less sums it up.
MrsMe
Well-Known Member
Zaynab I think he wouldn't mind letting me handle the finances. The problem is I created an overzealous budget for him and he said it was too restrictive.
I scared him off. Reading this thread made me think that I should tell him "Baby, I want to remove the burden of taking care of our finances off your shoulders." How does that sound?
Je Ne Sais Quoi
Well-Known Member
I'm going to try this. I'm going to bring up the Beyonce concert and see if he will buy tickets without me asking for them. I think this may backfire but I'm up to the challenge
Sent from the corner pay phone
but I'm up to the challengeSent from the corner pay phone
Zaynab I think he wouldn't mind letting me handle the finances. The problem is I created an overzealous budget for him and he said it was too restrictive.
Reading this thread made me think that I should tell him "Baby, I want to remove the burden of taking care of our finances off your shoulders." How does that sound?
Yeah you gotta sandwhich it, like say "you work so hard for us (don't laugh
) But I swear if you tell a man how hard he works for you and how much you appreciate it, those are like magical words I swear. Anyway and just be like I know you're working so hard and paying bills and I really want to see how I can take some stress off of you with saving extra $$ for our house. Because I know you are working now so we can have this later". You gotta be all sweet with it And do YOU THINK it would help YOU if I took over some management of some of the money/bills?"
SophieDulce
Well-Known Member
Dropping gems ladies. Subscribing!
MrsMe
Well-Known Member
Yeah you gotta sandwhich it, like say "you work so hard for us (don't laugh
I'll try that and report back in a few days.
Coffee
Well-Known Member
@Coffee Without putting our business out there, I was disappointed when we made financial plans and he didn't do his part. He's taking care of business, pays the bills and always on time but when it comes to savings, it is difficult for him to do it without me checking in.
We plan to buy a house next year so he knows the deadline. I need to try a different approach.
MrsMe, have you tried sitting him down and explaining how you are feeling and why? Also letting him know how important it is to save in order to purchase the house that you both want? Men, take a while to process things, so just lay it on the table and then wait for a bit, give him that time he needs to process.
Lucie
Dancin' on sunshine!
I think the best way is to treat him the way you want to be treated. I don't like stubbornness, so if a person wants something from me, it helps for them to be sweet and genuine. When I want something I tell him why and a time frame and that's it. It gets done immediately. If he does forget, I don't berate or nag, I understand. And that makes him do what I need done expeditiously. You'd be surprise how few people feel understood. If you can give a man the gift of understanding he will stand in the front lines of war to keep you safe.
I don't know if it's a Lucie-thing or a Cancerian-thing but I hate when people try to butter me up. State what you desire and let's take it from there. Buying me griot or telling me how great my rollerset looks grates my nerves. Though I will happily eat the food and relish in your compliment but you won't get jack, JACK! LOL!
Also, your man doesn't like if other men help you. If I ask one time and nothing gets done and the neighbor/relative helps me out, my dude won't let that happen a second time, LOL!
Men love positive reinforcement. I remember bragging about how handy my dude is and he acted like it was no big deal. Later on, he had a list of things he noticed he could take care of for me.
Letting a man know he is right and not pushing the issue further helps A LOT! They almost mentally prepare for war. And when you let things fizzle, that stokes their flame to give you exactly what you want.
Surprise sex works too. But it must be genuine. How would you feel if he made your toes curl just to butter you up for something you were dead set against?
I don't know if it's a Lucie-thing or a Cancerian-thing but I hate when people try to butter me up. State what you desire and let's take it from there. Buying me griot or telling me how great my rollerset looks grates my nerves. Though I will happily eat the food and relish in your compliment but you won't get jack, JACK! LOL!
Also, your man doesn't like if other men help you. If I ask one time and nothing gets done and the neighbor/relative helps me out, my dude won't let that happen a second time, LOL!
Men love positive reinforcement. I remember bragging about how handy my dude is and he acted like it was no big deal. Later on, he had a list of things he noticed he could take care of for me.
Letting a man know he is right and not pushing the issue further helps A LOT! They almost mentally prepare for war. And when you let things fizzle, that stokes their flame to give you exactly what you want.
Surprise sex works too. But it must be genuine. How would you feel if he made your toes curl just to butter you up for something you were dead set against?
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sunnieb
Well-Known Member
You ladies are killin' it in this thread!
I tell ya, I've tried many times to tell the younger ladies this IRL, and they don't want to hear it. I've tried both ways, and being sweet and strokin' dh's ego works like a charm every. single. time.
I also have a temper and when he goes "there", I just stop talking and walk away. It doesn't take long for him to come to me trying to be extra nice and stuff.
And before anyone can ask, yes, it can get exhausting sometimes. And yes, sometimes I ask myself "Why I gotta do all this extra crap?". But, I could be one of the ladies walking around with my lip stuck out because my dh doesn't do anything I want or I can be spoiled like there's no tomorrow.
I choose being spoiled. Now, lemme go finish cooking dinner!
I tell ya, I've tried many times to tell the younger ladies this IRL, and they don't want to hear it. I've tried both ways, and being sweet and strokin' dh's ego works like a charm every. single. time.
I also have a temper and when he goes "there", I just stop talking and walk away. It doesn't take long for him to come to me trying to be extra nice and stuff.
And before anyone can ask, yes, it can get exhausting sometimes. And yes, sometimes I ask myself "Why I gotta do all this extra crap?". But, I could be one of the ladies walking around with my lip stuck out because my dh doesn't do anything I want or I can be spoiled like there's no tomorrow.
I choose being spoiled. Now, lemme go finish cooking dinner!
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Lucie and Southernbella
I don't know how to be anything but direct. I want _____ and it would be great to have it by ____ date. Then after I get it, I thank him and brag on him, but what makes him happiest is knowing how happy I am -- he loves seeing me happy and at peace, and knowing he can take credit for my joy makes him proud and happy. When I thank him for things he does for me and/or our daughters, he always says, "That's my job." And I believe it is his job to not be stubborn about most things.
I don't know how to be anything but direct. I want _____ and it would be great to have it by ____ date. Then after I get it, I thank him and brag on him, but what makes him happiest is knowing how happy I am -- he loves seeing me happy and at peace, and knowing he can take credit for my joy makes him proud and happy. When I thank him for things he does for me and/or our daughters, he always says, "That's my job." And I believe it is his job to not be stubborn about most things.
Lucie
Dancin' on sunshine!
Lucie, you said it! I'm a Cancer who is married to a Cancer so I just lurk these threads giving my silent support.
Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF
Southernbella. I know how we roll!
Lucie and Southernbella
I don't know how to be anything but direct. I want _____ and it would be great to have it by ____ date. Then after I get it, I thank him and brag on him, but what makes him happiest is knowing how happy I am -- he loves seeing me happy and at peace, and knowing he can take credit for my joy makes him proud and happy. When I thank him for things he does for me and/or our daughters, he always says, "That's my job." And I believe it is his job to not be stubborn about most things.
hopeful, That is just beautiful!
You two have a wonderful relationship. And your daughters have a great example of what a loving marriage should be like.
FelaShrine
Well-Known Member
Cancer men succccccccccccccccccccck
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
Lucie and Southernbella
I don't know how to be anything but direct. I want _____ and it would be great to have it by ____ date. Then after I get it, I thank him and brag on him, but what makes him happiest is knowing how happy I am -- he loves seeing me happy and at peace, and knowing he can take credit for my joy makes him proud and happy. When I thank him for things he does for me and/or our daughters, he always says, "That's my job." And I believe it is his job to not be stubborn about most things.
Love this! That's exactly how we are with one another.
I wanted something, had picked it out, researched it and knew the day I was going to get it. I still asked him for it and told him I wanted him to take me and I let him pull out his own wallet to buy it for me. Then I showered him with thanks. It made him so happy to do it for me and seeing that made me want to let him buy me a lot more stuff.
I typically just buy what I want online but I'm going to start doing this more often. He was loving it!Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF
ClassicBeauty
New Member
It just depends on the person. DH is the kind of guy where I plant the seed, and it always seems to grow (aka mention something casually, and he does it/gets it/makes it happen). I have to be careful about what I say because he always listens. In the past, I might have complimented something, and next week/next month/next holiday, I get it. Now I'm a bit more cautious.
I'm the type that likes to hear it plainly. Tell me what you need and give me a deadline. I live in black and white. DH lives in a world of all shades. We both understand one another, so it works.
I'm the type that likes to hear it plainly. Tell me what you need and give me a deadline. I live in black and white. DH lives in a world of all shades. We both understand one another, so it works.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Yes, ClassicBeauty I have to be careful too because he listens so well and I will end up with stuff I don't really want lol.
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
Je Ne Sais Quoi
Well-Known Member
Southernbella. said:
Sent from the corner pay phone
Je Ne Sais Quoi
Well-Known Member
So I planted a seed last night for something I need for school and this morning he is on the computer looking stuff up and told me what i needed. I told him I didn't have the money for a part of what I needed so maybe I'll just figure it out some other way, it's not necessary. Next text from him "I'll buy that for you".
Sent from the corner pay phone
Sent from the corner pay phone
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