The burden of having a good man

[MissMasala5]

Hi MedMunky

I agree with you totally!!! You had/have every right to tell her butt off...and I am so glad your husband is on your side! Sometimes you have to "check" other women! I use to be a "pistol" back in the day...I've calmed down a whole lot (thank God)...you handled her well lady!

Hey MzCris!!!

Girl, for your sanity, don't calm down too much, keep that "pistol" close!

 

[MissMasala5]

Shoot, show me how to do the solar plexus move and I will come down there myself and do it for you. I despise women like that. Wtf?! And what gets me more is that HER husband finds nothing wrong with what she did. Most normal husbands would have had an issue with that. Why didnt she call a girlfriend, her mother, etc. but someone else's HUSBAND?

LOL, come on down!!! Seriously though, the move is simple: make a fist, then raise the middle knuckle slightly so it juts out, aim for the solar plexus, or area right in the middle at the lower/middle sternum, and punch. This is a self-defense move useful for women that are attacked from the front by men or others larger than themselves, guaranteed to knock the wind out of them. What you decide to do after they are down is up to you!

 

[MissMasala5]

That was the first clue. erplexed ...he was not her man for him to jump like that without explanation. Even the police want an explanation over the phone before they show up to craziness.

EXACTLY. You know I had words for him when he came back from down there. He told me his first thought was that their son was up to his usual antics again (their son has a thing for beating up his GFs and baby-mamas in their house...seriously, you read that right, and this plays a HUGE part in why I don't care for them. They let that son get away with so much BS in THEIR home) but once he saw no real emergency, he was annoyed. I was pissed.

 

[Covergirl5906]

the bold pissed me off slightly . she knew what she was doing by calling him. if i'm emotional, especially if it's the result of a man, i won't be calling a male friend to come and console me, it will be a female one. assuming it's not just air she has between her ears, she knew it wasn't right to call your DH. if he was a single man, i'd be more accepting of the game she's trying to run. imo, fact is that she knows your man is good, sees how he treats you, throw in that he's male and she's possibly attracted to him and...there we have it. she's trying the damsel in distress act but your man is smart enough to not fall for it. too many times i've heard people wind up in bed etc when the woman was being consoled/comforted by a man. sometimes it's some kind of revenge tactic against the man they're angry at.

sometimes you are taken as a B when really, you just don't tolerate bullshyt and refuse to entertain people you know are not serious. i think it's mainly your intuition and common sense telling you to stay away from certain people. i'd say keep on as you are now even if people take it as you being "mean". i think sometimes people get caught up in having people perceive them as "nice" (read:doormat) and it usually ends up with people taking advantage of them.

the 2nd bold was funny!

ITA....GAME is exactly what that **** was trying to run...she's not slick...She was way out of line for that ish...OP you handled it well...I am glad you put her in her place with her triflin self

 

[runwaydream]

hmm... this was a very enlightening thread. when i first read ur post i kinda just shrugged and was like "so? whats the problem?" i actually thought u were over reacting and if you really trusted your man and you loved him and he loved you then there should be nothing to worry about. i mean there's nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex. i thought all of you guys were nuts for getting all up in arms about it. but the more i read about the whole "emotional relationship" part the and how's shes using ur man as a crutch and eventually it leading to more the more i understood where you guys were coming from. i wouldve never seen it that way... i guess i have a lot to learn.

 

[Covergirl5906]

Side note: And best believe ClassyND was right there along with her husband when he picked up ol' chick's computer to take it home and fix. She thought he would stay and fix it there alone? Ha. The look on her face when I introduced myself and asked if she was paying by cash or check? Ha! I put a stop to her games. I don't play that sht!

I know that's right....I can only imagine the look on her face...LOL

 

[winterinatl]

She got the nerve.

I say blow her solar plexus.

 

[gabulldawg]

OP You are a better one than me! I wouldn't have let my SO go over there alone. Not saying that I don't trust him, but your neighbor doesn't sound like someone to be trusted either. I absolutely HATE women that can't understand and respect boundaries. That is the BIGGEST pet peeve of mine. Your neighbor TOTALLY overstepped her boundaries and deserved to be told about herself. If more women stood up to needy women like you did I think we could rid the world of them. Wishful thinking I guess...

 

[mikisha]

why is it that when our intuition tell us that something isnt right with a suppose to be friend of the opposite sex were insecure. I think you did the right thing and for your hasband to support you like he did he is a wonderful man.

I have a very good man. On all fronts and levels. We have been together for 16 years. When I met him, he had nothing, literally. That has since changed, and for the past 10 years, he has enjoyed a very rewarding career that has enabled me to quit my work and become a full time student in order to pursue my dreams at becoming a physician. He is very responsible, a terrific dad, an incredible lover, and is my best friend. He has a very charming personality and people are just naturally drawn to him, male and female alike. Which is great, but not all of the time.

This couple, neighbors of ours, mistook his disposition in a way such that, they considered him 'close' friends of theirs, while his opinion of them was not mutual. But being such a nice guy, that was hard to discern. There was a circumstance where she became extremely upset about a private matter in her home during a time her DH wasn't there. She took it upon herself to call my DH crying hysterically over the phone saying "You got to come down here!" and without having a clue as to what was going on, good neighbor he is, he went. I was like erplexed about that, then when he came back and told me that it was nothing emergent, I got hot. I confronted her about it and told her that next time she needs an emotional rescue, to call her own husband and not mine. She responded with "I called him because I consider him a friend, and at that moment, I needed my friend to come and console me".

You have to know, nothing but the hand of GOD kept me from giving here a blow to her solar plexus (a martial arts move that brings a person down no matter what their size). She called me 'narrowminded' and 'insecure' because I got upset about it. My DH agreed with my perspective on it, and her DH agreed with hers. Her DH is pissed off with me for what he calls my being so 'venomous and hateful' toward his wife, and told my DH that while he has a problem with me, he and my DH are still cool. My DH was told him, naw, man. You ain't cool with my wife, you ain't cool with me. So we don't speak to them anymore for weeks. The other day, this man calls my DH like nothing ever happened. My DH reminded him "What part of what I said did you not understand?" and the guy just hung up on him. I'm like, that negro done lost his ever-lovin' mind!!!

Now I started that "Other Woman" thread about my old GF saying she was a 'married man magnet'. Well, sometimes I feel like 'effed up people magnet'. Everywhere I turn, toxic personalities just keep popping up in our lives. Some inside, some outside the family. I don't care how educated, how well off, whatever. The just keep cropping up. I already have a past rep for being a 'b***h' and was really trying hard at being nicer, more accommodating, less opinionated. But sometimes, this ish just ain' worth it!!! My life was better being Queen of Mean. Am I the only one? Can anyone relate?

 

[Allandra]

I think you did well with the way you handled the entire situation.

I understand the burden of having a good man. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, wants to call on him for any and everything.

 

[Suerte]

Well, sometimes I feel like 'effed up people magnet'. Everywhere I turn, toxic personalities just keep popping up in our lives. Some inside, some outside the family. I don't care how educated, how well off, whatever. The just keep cropping up. I already have a past rep for being a 'b***h' and was really trying hard at being nicer, more accommodating, less opinionated. But sometimes, this ish just ain' worth it!!! My life was better being Queen of Mean. Am I the only one? Can anyone relate?

Girl. I am right >< with you in that last paragraph.

I need to make a thread because I am going through some stuff right now. Seriously.

You did the right thing. Contextually...I wish I was like you.

 

[Farida]

Do not loan out your fiance to these girls! He can help others w/o becoming their emotional crutch. There's a difference in helping and then enabling a situation that he shouldn't be in.

What happens psychologically, IM (unprofessional) O, the woman gets fulfilled emotionally in a way that she would have from a partner or spouse (I would not want my husband filling that need for anyone except me). This changes the way she views the husband/fiance and shows her that she can have a man at a beck and call for her issues that are better left for someone else. This also shows the woman that the man is vulnerable, in a way, because he is making himself available for her and her needs. She has successfully found a way to have the benefits of someone else's man and have his heart soften towards her in a way that is unacceptable.

You know he can get fulfilled by helping people in a way that sets boundaries. If the only way he is fulfilled is by being another woman's emotional escape, then...

This was a learning experience for DH before we were married. He had to learn that: I can help Sally by fixing her computer for a lower fee than the company or referring her to a professional. I CANNOT help Sally by being her shoulder to cry on.

Side note: And best believe ClassyND was right there along with her husband when he picked up ol' chick's computer to take it home and fix. She thought he would stay and fix it there alone? Ha. The look on her face when I introduced myself and asked if she was paying by cash or check? Ha! I put a stop to her games. I don't play that sht!

This was a big argument for us for a long time. These women would show up any time in tears and wanting him to fix this and that and I told him it was unacceptable. He saw my point of view when he realized most of them had no interest in doing anything with me AND him at the same time.

However, new women still come knocking out of nowhere. I don't know why, like I said, he's like a magnet.

 

[MrsBKJ]

ITA with all of the above! I am a very real person, and I am happy just the way I am. They seem a little out of sorts with themselves, trying to force upon themselves an 'identity' that is admirable for all practical purposes, but not the most convincing. It's like they try wayyyy too hard. For example, being afrocentric and wearing locs (which is ok for him but she had to cut hers off in order to get a job, so she now sports a jacked up TWA), and the hair is more of a statement to the people that see them; being all black militant, changing their names to African ones, shunning all things Eurocentric, etc. I have no problems with people that are like that and sincere about it. They are just not, and it comes off as a joke. It's like "Ooh look at us, we are so enlightened and progressive" but at the end of the day, she has to go work 2 jobs while her able-bodied husband and grown able-bodied son sit at home all day smoking weed and watching movies Please...

Well she needs to sort that out! No way in hell I would be out working two jobs if my hubby was sat at home...I'm not funding anybodys habits but my own!
She obviously really wants to emulate the life that you and your husband have. I cant imagine what is going through her head but it is a good job that you are together and able to maintain what you have because somebody can only take what you have if you didn't want it enough yourself to hold on to it. It is clear that you and your hubby are very in tune with one another. and both secure and stable in your relationship. A good man will have a good woman but good attracts bad and if she wants better for herself she needs to leave what she has and get it better.

My man is also a VERY good man, hard working, decent and stable which is why we were attracted to one another but boy do we attract some crazies too. We both must have "good listeners" plastered on ou forehead either that or "crazy folk welcome".

And dont look at is as a burden - though I fully understand what you mean, take it as being a load that you have been given because only you are strong enough do deal with it and not let it bring you down. Being good isnt easy in this world and you have been blessed with something special and rare.

take care

Uzz

 

[MissMasala5]

Well she needs to sort that out! No way in hell I would be out working two jobs if my hubby was sat at home...I'm not funding anybodys habits but my own!
She obviously really wants to emulate the life that you and your husband have. I cant imagine what is going through her head but it is a good job that you are together and able to maintain what you have because somebody can only take what you have if you didn't want it enough yourself to hold on to it. It is clear that you and your hubby are very in tune with one another. and both secure and stable in your relationship. A good man will have a good woman but good attracts bad and if she wants better for herself she needs to leave what she has and get it better.

My man is also a VERY good man, hard working, decent and stable which is why we were attracted to one another but boy do we attract some crazies too. We both must have "good listeners" plastered on ou forehead either that or "crazy folk welcome".

And dont look at is as a burden - though I fully understand what you mean, take it as being a load that you have been given because only you are strong enough do deal with it and not let it bring you down. Being good isnt easy in this world and you have been blessed with something special and rare.

take care

Uzz

Thank you so much for writing this, I appreciate it.

 

[MissMasala5]

hmm... this was a very enlightening thread. when i first read ur post i kinda just shrugged and was like "so? whats the problem?" i actually thought u were over reacting and if you really trusted your man and you loved him and he loved you then there should be nothing to worry about. i mean there's nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex. i thought all of you guys were nuts for getting all up in arms about it. but the more i read about the whole "emotional relationship" part the and how's shes using ur man as a crutch and eventually it leading to more the more i understood where you guys were coming from. i wouldve never seen it that way... i guess i have a lot to learn.

Thank you for sharing this. I agree that there's nothing wrong w'opp sex friends, but there is such a thing as marital boundaries, and these must be respected. The couple obviously feel the way you initially felt per your post. I don't have a problem with that. I do have a problem with people not respecting my feelings just because the don't agree with me.

 

[MissMasala5]

Girl. I am right >< with you in that last paragraph.

I need to make a thread because I am going through some stuff right now. Seriously.

You did the right thing. Contextually...I wish I was like you.

Off to read your thread....thanks

 

[MrsBKJ]

Girl. I am right >< with you in that last paragraph.

I need to make a thread because I am going through some stuff right now. Seriously.

You did the right thing. Contextually...I wish I was like you.

Girl wheres your thread?? Did you start it?

Uzz

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Medmunky!!

i am glad you put this woman in her place. i would have done the same exact thing. people like to take advantage of others kindness.

i have something similar but its my man's family and him..a bit too much..but that's another thread.

Stay your ground and cut those people off.

 

[senimoni]

Wow, ole girl is twisted as well as her husband.

What exactly deed she need consoled about?

 

[aqualung]

then when he came back and told me that it was nothing emergent, I got hot. I confronted her about it and told her that next time she needs an emotional rescue, to call her own husband and not mine. She responded with "I called him because I consider him a friend, and at that moment, I needed my friend to come and console me".
...
She called me 'narrowminded' and 'insecure' because I got upset about it. My DH agreed with my perspective on it, and her DH agreed with hers.

I would not have confronted her about it, even if she WAS overreacting to a perceived emergency. Better to make nice with the neighbors -- esp'ly if you're all buying and not just renting.

Sounds like you and your husband are both disdainful of the other couple.
Agree between the two of you that he won't visit her one-one-one again next time she plays the damsel in distress. Problem solved.

Of course she and her husband are going to be defensive over your accusations. Who wouldn't?

Now you are all scrapping over some simple BS like the Montagues and Capulets. Her husband calling your husband = an effort to reconcile.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

If I were that lady's husband, I wouldn't want her running to a male "friend," either. Wtf? She and her husband son loco en la cabeza! Or however that goes... LOL

 

[myco]

LOL, come on down!!! Seriously though, the move is simple: make a fist, then raise the middle knuckle slightly so it juts out, aim for the solar plexus, or area right in the middle at the lower/middle sternum, and punch. This is a self-defense move useful for women that are attacked from the front by men or others larger than themselves, guaranteed to knock the wind out of them. What you decide to do after they are down is up to you!

Why am I at work practicing?

 

[runwaydream]

I would not have confronted her about it, even if she WAS overreacting to a perceived emergency. Better to make nice with the neighbors -- esp'ly if you're all buying and not just renting.

Sounds like you and your husband are both disdainful of the other couple.
Agree between the two of you that he won't visit her one-one-one again next time she plays the damsel in distress. Problem solved.

Of course she and her husband are going to be defensive over your accusations. Who wouldn't?

Now you are all scrapping over some simple BS like the Montagues and Capulets. Her husband calling your husband = an effort to reconcile.

i agree w. that aqualung said. i dont think u guys shouldve been so hostile.

 

[JerriBlank]

I haven't read the rest of the thread,but my husband would have a problem with me running to some dude,before calling him first in times of "CRISIS."

Bullisht!

There are some times when you do need the interjection of a male friend,after you have seeked out said friend...after you and DH/SO have conferenced.Most likely when there is a problem with hubby,and you can't or don't see the benefit of speaking with him about it.

 

[JerriBlank]

If I were that lady's husband, I wouldn't want her running to a male "friend," either. Wtf? She and her husband son loco en la cabeza! Or however that goes... LOL

Right!!!!!

 

[MissMasala5]

I would not have confronted her about it, even if she WAS overreacting to a perceived emergency. Better to make nice with the neighbors -- esp'ly if you're all buying and not just renting.

Sounds like you and your husband are both disdainful of the other couple.
Agree between the two of you that he won't visit her one-one-one again next time she plays the damsel in distress. Problem solved.

Of course she and her husband are going to be defensive over your accusations. Who wouldn't?

Now you are all scrapping over some simple BS like the Montagues and Capulets. Her husband calling your husband = an effort to reconcile.

You're gosh-darn right I am! Considering she's been hatin' on me since day one! I didn't even see it initially, or just didn't want to believe it. Once we had a party and I was wearing my classic red lipstick, was wearing my new strappy heels after a fresh mani/pedi. The ladies were was a group discussion about today's youth. I was flitting in and out since I was hostessing. As I was walking back out she goes "yeah, and we need to be careful what types of messages we send to our daughters, because walking around with red lipstick and red toenail polish and stiletto heels might send the wrong one". Now how come I was the only one in the group that fit this description? After she left, 2 of my GFs told me about her comment and were like wtf?! Who was that ****? yadda yadda yadda. I blew it off, because these two tend to have petty streaks. But then my DH noticed some things, and it became more apparent to me. For instance, some of her out-of-town relatives (females) came into town. She called my DH and invited HIM over to meet them. Why wasn't I invited? I initially blew that one off because I assumed that she assumed I was busy studying for my board exam. See how good I was? She once asked me, "So how old are you, 48, 49?" and this was during a time I was still getting carded buying my vodka (I was 37 at the time, she was 52)! Now what was that about? Whenever I would entertain her presence, the tone from her was always condescending, like 'look, I gotta school you because you are clueless'. Be it about her religion, her vegan diet, her 'blackness', her outlook on health because "just because you're studying to be a doctor doesn't mean you'll know everything" (mind you, she was chain-smoking Newports all the while telling me how the foods me and my family ate are gonna kill us ). I am also disdainful of people who allow their as yet to be grown kid who has no clue about authority or respect, disrespect them in their own homes, and as a result, they get in trouble with the law. So...get hysterical and call MY husband??? Now I am not above or beneath being sociable and respectful to maintain good neighborship. I know how to do it, but I also know how to keep distances between myself and people that don't fit well. But this incident with her calling my DH for her distress about something to do with HER son getting caught by cops and taken in for buying weed (which her DH and son--he's 19 or 20 now--smoke together)? No more nice neighbor. All bets were off.

 

[donna894]

You're gosh-darn right I am! Considering she's been hatin' on me since day one! I didn't even see it initially, or just didn't want to believe it. Once we had a party and I was wearing my classic red lipstick, was wearing my new strappy heels after a fresh mani/pedi. The ladies were was a group discussion about today's youth. I was flitting in and out since I was hostessing. As I was walking back out she goes "yeah, and we need to be careful what types of messages we send to our daughters, because walking around with red lipstick and red toenail polish and stiletto heels might send the wrong one". Now how come I was the only one in the group that fit this description? After she left, 2 of my GFs told me about her comment and were like wtf?! Who was that ****? yadda yadda yadda. I blew it off, because these two tend to have petty streaks. But then my DH noticed some things, and it became more apparent to me. For instance, some of her out-of-town relatives (females) came into town. She called my DH and invited HIM over to meet them. Why wasn't I invited? I initially blew that one off because I assumed that she assumed I was busy studying for my board exam. See how good I was? She once asked me, "So how old are you, 48, 49?" and this was during a time I was still getting carded buying my vodka (I was 37 at the time, she was 52)! Now what was that about? Whenever I would entertain her presence, the tone from her was always condescending, like 'look, I gotta school you because you are clueless'. Be it about her religion, her vegan diet, her 'blackness', her outlook on health because "just because you're studying to be a doctor doesn't mean you'll know everything" (mind you, she was chain-smoking Newports all the while telling me how the foods me and my family ate are gonna kill us ). I am also disdainful of people who allow their as yet to be grown kid who has no clue about authority or respect, disrespect them in their own homes, and as a result, they get in trouble with the law. So...get hysterical and call MY husband??? Now I am not above or beneath being sociable and respectful to maintain good neighborship. I know how to do it, but I also know how to keep distances between myself and people that don't fit well. But this incident with her calling my DH for her distress about something to do with HER son getting caught by cops and taken in for buying weed (which her DH and son--he's 19 or 20 now--smoke together)? No more nice neighbor. All bets were off.

MedMunky -- I have carefully read this entire thread. You are on point. This neighbor has been clearly disrespectful to you. And you and others have picked up on her negative vibes toward you. So what is the point of trying to get along with this strange creature? She's wasted enough of your time and created enough havoc. She doesn't seem to know anything about boundaries. You sound like a smart lady - keep it moving. And they best not start no mess! Where is it written that you have to be friends with everybody!

 

[healthynhappy]

You're gosh-darn right I am! Considering she's been hatin' on me since day one! I didn't even see it initially, or just didn't want to believe it. Once we had a party and I was wearing my classic red lipstick, was wearing my new strappy heels after a fresh mani/pedi. The ladies were was a group discussion about today's youth. I was flitting in and out since I was hostessing. As I was walking back out she goes "yeah, and we need to be careful what types of messages we send to our daughters, because walking around with red lipstick and red toenail polish and stiletto heels might send the wrong one". Now how come I was the only one in the group that fit this description? After she left, 2 of my GFs told me about her comment and were like wtf?! Who was that ****? yadda yadda yadda. I blew it off, because these two tend to have petty streaks. But then my DH noticed some things, and it became more apparent to me. For instance, some of her out-of-town relatives (females) came into town. She called my DH and invited HIM over to meet them. Why wasn't I invited? I initially blew that one off because I assumed that she assumed I was busy studying for my board exam. See how good I was? She once asked me, "So how old are you, 48, 49?" and this was during a time I was still getting carded buying my vodka (I was 37 at the time, she was 52)! Now what was that about? Whenever I would entertain her presence, the tone from her was always condescending, like 'look, I gotta school you because you are clueless'. Be it about her religion, her vegan diet, her 'blackness', her outlook on health because "just because you're studying to be a doctor doesn't mean you'll know everything" (mind you, she was chain-smoking Newports all the while telling me how the foods me and my family ate are gonna kill us ). I am also disdainful of people who allow their as yet to be grown kid who has no clue about authority or respect, disrespect them in their own homes, and as a result, they get in trouble with the law. So...get hysterical and call MY husband??? Now I am not above or beneath being sociable and respectful to maintain good neighborship. I know how to do it, but I also know how to keep distances between myself and people that don't fit well. But this incident with her calling my DH for her distress about something to do with HER son getting caught by cops and taken in for buying weed (which her DH and son--he's 19 or 20 now--smoke together)? No more nice neighbor. All bets were off.

Girlfriend sounds jealous of you and I don't blame you for putting her in check! Don't call my DH for emotional support and you are not his family! That's crazy.

What she should have done was apologized for offending you. I think its crazy to be calling someone else's husband for emotional support without including the wife. Any adult woman should know better.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

You're gosh-darn right I am! Considering she's been hatin' on me since day one! I didn't even see it initially, or just didn't want to believe it. Once we had a party and I was wearing my classic red lipstick, was wearing my new strappy heels after a fresh mani/pedi. The ladies were was a group discussion about today's youth. I was flitting in and out since I was hostessing. As I was walking back out she goes "yeah, and we need to be careful what types of messages we send to our daughters, because walking around with red lipstick and red toenail polish and stiletto heels might send the wrong one". Now how come I was the only one in the group that fit this description? After she left, 2 of my GFs told me about her comment and were like wtf?! Who was that ****? yadda yadda yadda. I blew it off, because these two tend to have petty streaks. But then my DH noticed some things, and it became more apparent to me. For instance, some of her out-of-town relatives (females) came into town. She called my DH and invited HIM over to meet them. Why wasn't I invited? I initially blew that one off because I assumed that she assumed I was busy studying for my board exam. See how good I was? She once asked me, "So how old are you, 48, 49?" and this was during a time I was still getting carded buying my vodka (I was 37 at the time, she was 52)! Now what was that about? Whenever I would entertain her presence, the tone from her was always condescending, like 'look, I gotta school you because you are clueless'. Be it about her religion, her vegan diet, her 'blackness', her outlook on health because "just because you're studying to be a doctor doesn't mean you'll know everything" (mind you, she was chain-smoking Newports all the while telling me how the foods me and my family ate are gonna kill us ). I am also disdainful of people who allow their as yet to be grown kid who has no clue about authority or respect, disrespect them in their own homes, and as a result, they get in trouble with the law. So...get hysterical and call MY husband??? Now I am not above or beneath being sociable and respectful to maintain good neighborship. I know how to do it, but I also know how to keep distances between myself and people that don't fit well. But this incident with her calling my DH for her distress about something to do with HER son getting caught by cops and taken in for buying weed (which her DH and son--he's 19 or 20 now--smoke together)? No more nice neighbor. All bets were off.

She wants your life.

 

[healthynhappy]

She wants your life.

Yup. Yup.