The Art of "Helping" a Man (aka getting your way)

kweenameena

kweenameena

Well-Known Member
Years ago, somebody created a thread about how to get their needs and wants met by their man. But not in a forceful/nagging/complaining way.
I remember Dlewis explaining how she convinced her DH to get a blue pickup truck when he originally wanted a black SUV or something like that. The point is that he felt like he had made the decision on his own.

My SO is great but he is a stubborn mule so I need a different approach.

What are your tips, techniques, tricks of the trade?
 
I miss DLewis:nono:....this forum sure ain't the same without her :cry2:.

kweenameena said:
Years ago, somebody created a thread about how to get their needs and wants met by their man. But not in a forceful/nagging/complaining way.
I remember Dlewis explaining how she convinced her DH to get a blue pickup truck when he originally wanted a black SUV or something like that. The point is that he felt like he had made the decision on his own.

My SO is great but he is a stubborn mule so I need a different approach.

What are your tips, techniques, tricks of the trade?
Click to expand...
 
Zaynab could help us answer the OP. She always as good posts when it comes to this kind of topic.

I used to have a hard time "helping" DH. We used to have a lot of arguments because I would talk at him instead of talking to him. One of my girlfriends suggested that I change the way I approach him. Don't nag,belittle or complain about what they fail to do, understand, or accomplish without your "supervision". Instead, use positive language no matter what they do, so they will feel in charge. Talk about "their" ideas and weigh all the options with them. Plant the seeds of your own ideas but do not take the lead.
I'm still having a hard time with that some days, but I've learned how to let go and let him stress instead. :Lol: I'm a constant worrier so it's an uphill battle, but DH is trying his hardest to help me relax.
 
I do it well but I'll have to figure out how to explain it.

I'm never forceful, never nagging and never come off as making demands but I get my way.
 
FemmeCreole said:
I do it well but I'll have to figure out how to explain it.

I'm never forceful, never nagging and never come off as making demands but I get my way.
Click to expand...

Ok spill it! Can u tell us of a time when your DH made a decision that was seemingly his own but was really yours?
 
Last edited:
Subscribing

I am terrible at this so far.

I've been Miss Independent for sooooo long that I have a hard time "letting" DH do anything. I know how I want it, when and where. Lord Jesus take the wheel.

I'll be waiting for you all to spill the beans.
 
Even when I try my hardest to come across as submissive, gentle, etc.....my SO says that I'm forceful with my opinion and that it doesn't matter the tone I use. I know that I'm a know-it-all and very opinionated so I can understand how he'd feel that I think my way is better. So he can put his guard down
 
Girrrrrrrl, I'm still learning this. The only thing I honestly say that has been working for me in many many areas including the one you mentioned is to BE an excellent example of what I want. Do it cheerfully and do it well. When its time for things to go the way you want it, a man who is paying attention to your putting love and selflessness (when necessary) into action will happily conform to your needs and desires. Most times it works, sometimes it doesn't....and that's ok. I hope this helped.
 
There is really nothing to it. You simply have to be kind and logical. Tell them how much you like it and if there is a way you can prove that it would be to his advantage do it. Being a little sweeter and kinder usually works. Try discussing major issues after sex. Trust me it works too.

I remember we recently made a switch from cable to Roku and he was totally against it, he wanted cable. I went and got him the Roku box as a gift and now he stays killing it on netflix claiming it was the best decision we made plus we no longer pay a 200 cable bill. Now we are in middle of car shopping. He wanted a pick up I did not, I showed him the disadvantage of a Pick Up. Now SUV is what we agree to now. Sometimes ladies you have to go ahead and take the lead and let him catch up.

I hate nagging and arguing in my home. I say things once in my home. Respect is key to a functional relationship. We are very affectionate and yes he gets on my damn nerves and trust me he has flaws but my love for him and his love for me and my happiness comes first.
 
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It's about planting the seed. You mention something you'd like to do then come up with your own reasons why it wouldn't work. Then he feels compelled to make it work himself.
Me: I'd like to remodel the kitchen. I want new countertops and floors.
DH: Why? It's fine.
Me: It's so outdated. I want an update.
DH: That's a lot of money. We said we were going to save.
Me: Yeah. You're right. It's expensive. We don't have it like that right now.
(meanwhile, HGTV is always on and we just happen to visit friends with
nicer kitchens)
DH: I'm tired of looking at this kitchen. It's just raggedy.
Me: It's okay. We'll do it in a few years.
DH: Remember Jerry and Tracy's kitchen? That was nice. He gave me the
name of the contractor.
Me: The contractor? Oh, my God! That must have been expensive! We
can't afford that!
DH: It's not going to be that much. And it'll just cost more a few years from
now. You need to stop worrying about everything.
Me: Okay. I guess we could get an estimate(pulls decorating magazines from
their hiding place):yep:
 
Tamrin said:
There is really nothing to it. You simply have to be kind and logical. Tell them how much you like it and if there is a way you can prove that it would be to his advantage do it. Being a little sweeter and kinder usually works. Try discussing major issues after sex. Trust me it works too.

I remember we recently made a switch from cable to Roku and he was totally against it, he wanted cable. I went and got him the Roku box as a gift and now he stays killing it on netflix claiming it was the best decision we made plus we no longer pay a 200 cable bill. Now we are in middle of car shopping. He wanted a pick up I did not, i show him the disadvantage now SUV is what we agree to now. Sometimes ladies you have to go ahead and take the lead and let him catch up.

I hate nagging and and arguing in my home. I say things once in my home. Respect is key to a functional relationship. We are very affectionate and yes he gets on my damn nerves and trust me he has flaws but my love for him and his love for me and my happiness comes first.
Click to expand...

See, my problem is that I'm use to taking the lead and having my man catch-up. But this man ain't having it. He's the alpha-male, I want to lead, I'm King Dingaling type.
 
LivingInPeace said:
It's about planting the seed. You mention something you'd like to do then come up with your own reasons why it wouldn't work. Then he feels compelled to make it work himself.
Me: I'd like to remodel the kitchen. I want new countertops and floors.
DH: Why? It's fine.
Me: It's so outdated. I want an update.
DH: That's a lot of money. We said we were going to save.
Me: Yeah. You're right. It's expensive. We don't have it like that right now.
(meanwhile, HGTV is always on and we just happen to visit friends with
nicer kitchens)
DH: I'm tired of looking at this kitchen. It's just raggedy.
Me: It's okay. We'll do it in a few years.
DH: Remember Jerry and Tracy's kitchen? That was nice. He gave me the
name of the contractor.
Me: The contractor? Oh, my God! That must have been expensive! We
can't afford that!
DH: It's not going to be that much. And it'll just cost more a few years from
now. You need to stop worrying about everything.
Me: Okay. I guess we could get an estimate(pulls decorating magazines from
their hiding place):yep:
Click to expand...

Tee hee, this made me giggle.
Ok, so basically I have to plant the seed, when he opposes the idea then I agree with him to create obstacles, then he'll try to make it happen regardless of the obstacle. Right?
 
I always say the best way to get a man to do something is to show him praise and appreciation. Nagging and complaining won't get you anywhere with a man. They do. not. like. to. be. asked twice. If you ask them something, they heard you the first time. They feel like if you keep asking them you're being their "mom" and talking down to them or you don't feel they are "capable". Men are VERY insecure. More than women from what I've found. They are like children:look: They benefit from positive words. ALso, when they do something or when there is a situation that needs to be handled, always defer to them and say "You always make the best decisions, what do you think is the best move or way to solve__?" It makes them feel needed and/or that they are "handing" something. It's the delivery in which you say it:yep: After you ask or say You always make the best decisions, what do you think about ___. Insert what you want to happen. They will do it because it sounds like it's their idea.:yep: 99% of the things I want DH to do, I get him to do by making it seem like it was his idea. I just sweetly insert the suggestion.

Overall though I think if you set a theme of words of respect and appreciation towards a man, you can really get anything you want. As I've said, I learned this the hard way over the years. Continually nagging and complaining will get you nowhere with a man. They are likely to do whatever you asking LESS, so don't keep asking. Instead offer daily praises and appreciation for small things they do. As I say over and over, men give their love when we give them respect. That love encompasses our needs and what we want. Small things like I appreciate how hard you work, I know you work really hard to provide/take care of us/etc. Whatever is he does well, praise him for it. Even if he's lacking in an area, offering praise and appreciation in the form of respect will make him WANT to do the things he's not because he then wants to please and/or improve/continue doing the things that he is or isn't already. Don't ever say they are doing something wrong, like with the kids or anything around the house. I find that most women just won't let a man be a man. Just sit back and relax and defer and a man will take the lead. I think it's almost like some type of "leadership atrophy" that happens when women are too Independent, a man just sits back unconciously like "well she's got it, she's got all the answers so I'm not doing__". I don't think they THINK that really but it's what happens.

Sometimes I just think that being sweet is something that alot of women are lacking. Men just want someone to be sweet and love them and respect them. They are pretty simple. One of my favorite books on how to speak and show a man respect "For Women Only: What You need to know about the inner lives of men" Shaunti Feldman. Men love and give by receiving respect. When they feel respected by us, they will give you all the love and meet all your needs. :yep:
 
kweenameena said:
Tee hee, this made me giggle.
Ok, so basically I have to plant the seed, when he opposes the idea then I agree with him to create obstacles, then he'll try to make it happen regardless of the obstacle. Right?
Click to expand...


That's how it works for me. It also worked for a friend of mine when she and her husband were building a house and she wanted an island in the kitchen he thought was too expensive. She got him to the point where he was arguing for the island and she was saying, "You can't make me get an island!" They have the island she wanted.:lol:
 
kweenameena said:
See, my problem is that I'm use to taking the lead and having my man catch-up. But this man ain't having it. He's the alpha-male, I want to lead, I'm King Dingaling type.
Click to expand...

So let him lead. What you can do is sweetly make suggestion. Sometime we go in guns blazing because we are used to men who wont step up. Sometimes the role of chief council is best.

Questions:

Is he making bad decisions?

Do they affect you directly?

What do you want him to do to make it better for you?

What is the dynamic of your relationship?
 
Zaynab said:
I always say the best way to get a man to do something is to show him praise and appreciation. Nagging and complaining won't get you anywhere with a man. They do. not. like. to. be. asked twice. If you ask them something, they heard you the first time. They feel like if you keep asking them you're being their "mom" and talking down to them or you don't feel they are "capable". Men are VERY insecure. More than women from what I've found. They are like children:look: They benefit from positive words. ALso, when they do something or when there is a situation that needs to be handled, always defer to them and say "You always make the best decisions, what do you think is the best move or way to solve__?" It makes them feel needed and/or that they are "handing" something. It's the delivery in which you say it:yep: After you ask or say You always make the best decisions, what do you think about ___. Insert what you want to happen. They will do it because it sounds like it's their idea.:yep: 99% of the things I want DH to do, I get him to do by making it seem like it was his idea. I just sweetly insert the suggestion.

Overall though I think if you set a theme of words of respect and appreciation towards a man, you can really get anything you want. As I've said, I learned this the hard way over the years. Continually nagging and complaining will get you nowhere with a man. They are likely to do whatever you asking LESS, so don't keep asking. Instead offer daily praises and appreciation for small things they do. As I say over and over, men give their love when we give them respect. That love encompasses our needs and what we want. Small things like I appreciate how hard you work, I know you work really hard to provide/take care of us/etc. Whatever is he does well, praise him for it. Even if he's lacking in an area, offering praise and appreciation in the form of respect will make him WANT to do the things he's not because he then wants to please and/or improve/continue doing the things that he is or isn't already. Don't ever say they are doing something wrong, like with the kids or anything around the house. I find that most women just won't let a man be a man. Just sit back and relax and defer and a man will take the lead. I think it's almost like some type of "leadership atrophy" that happens when women are too Independent, a man just sits back unconciously like "well she's got it, she's got all the answers so I'm not doing__". I don't think they THINK that really but it's what happens.

Sometimes I just think that being sweet is something that alot of women are lacking. Men just want someone to be sweet and love them and respect them. They are pretty simple. One of my favorite books on how to speak and show a man respect "For Women Only: What You need to know about the inner lives of men" Shaunti Feldman. Men love and give by receiving respect. When they feel respected by us, they will give you all the love and meet all your needs. :yep:
Click to expand...


Nothing but the truth.
 
Also, when you suggest something you want and they don't agree, just say you're right, you always make the best decisions for us. Let me know if you think it and over and what you decide. I don't bring it back up, he will typically come back at some point and say "Babe I was thinking it would be a good idea to do ___". And I'm like "oh you're right, what a good idea" I don't even go into the fact that it was my idea in the first place, that's a moot point, I won. I've done the opposite and been like "well I told you that I thought we should do x, y, z and you said no and blah blah". Then it's like a mini-battle of who was right and who wasn't and then the thing you want doesn't happen because he feels you didn't "trust" him.
 
These ladies are right. Zaynab is on the spot with the fact that men are similar to children.

If y'all had the experience as kids doing a chore or extra favor, then your mom comes behind you criticizing the way you did it...you won't be motivated to do it again. Men are the same.

Flattery will get a lot of things done.

That said I'm still a work in progress with being subtle and gentle with approach.
 
Zaynab said:
Also, when you suggest something you want and they don't agree, just say you're right, you always make the best decisions for us. Let me know if you think it and over and what you decide. I don't bring it back up, he will typically come back at some point and say "Babe I was thinking it would be a good idea to do ___". And I'm like "oh you're right, what a good idea" I don't even go into the fact that it was my idea in the first place, that's a moot point, I won. I've done the opposite and been like "well I told you that I thought we should do x, y, z and you said no and blah blah". Then it's like a mini-battle of who was right and who wasn't and then the thing you want doesn't happen because he feels you didn't "trust" him.
Click to expand...

Ugh!! You're absolutely right. I definitely have "I told you so" moments. SO is difficult so he makes it harder for me to play that role. Bit I will try because our disagreements are annoying me.
 
Tamrin said:
So let him lead. What you can do is sweetly make suggestion. Sometime we go in guns blazing because we are used to men who wont step up. Sometimes the role of chief council is best.

Questions:

Is he making bad decisions?

Do they affect you directly?

What do you want him to do to make it better for you?

What is the dynamic of your relationship?
Click to expand...

He generally makes good decisions. Sometimes they aren't well thought out.

Yes, his decisions affect me. Recently he decided to allow his female cousin who is a free-loader move in with him. He didn't mention it to me. When I arrived at his house for the weekend that's when I found out. I stay with him on weekends and he works Saturday during the day. So I'm usually at his place alone. Needless to say, it was awkward with just me and her. Let me add that she doesn't like me. He didn't let me know because he didn't want me to talk him out of it (his words). So yea, it affects me. Lol

I want him to give her a deadline to be out. Especially since she has parents with a huge house that would be more than happy to take her in. Also we've been talking about getting engaged and I don't think I will want to if that's the situation.

Our dynamic is hmmm. We are good except for when there's a power struggle
 
Great thread ladies! I have a question, i have a temper, and sometime my dh just takes there. How do you control not going off on your dh?
 
I thank DH for very very small things. Wash my car, change my oil, whatever it is, I'm like you're so sweet and do everything for me. Even if it's something I didn't want. e.g. I planned to cook his favorite meal for valentines day. I cooked and at the last minute he calls from work and says I'm bringing dinner home! I'm like:look: I was pretty pissed honestly. Like dinner was done.

I just said OK. Then when he comes home he's so proud that he stopped and got carry out. I just put the food up and didn't say a word and said "that was so thoughtful, I really appreciate it". He later says I just wanted you to not have to cook because you always put so much effort in cooking for me and I always appreciate it. Random but if I had of complained or said "I did this and that and you got take out!"
 
SophieDulce said:
Great thread ladies! I have a question, i have a temper, and sometime my dh just takes there. How do you control not going off on your dh?
Click to expand...

I just dont say anything. I may just walk off because IF I argue, I am going there and my words will be harsh. I say lots of bad things in my head.
 
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