Spin-off : If You Hit Your Boyfriend/husband

[Evolving78]

What are you going to do? Stop being silly.

That's some punk mess you do. Stay in your lane wit folks that entertain that crap. but don't do me. This is a small world.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

I'm not worried about my son or brother getting beat up by a woman though. If my male relative's girlfriend hit him I would have no reason to get involved because he could handle it. Not by hitting her, but by restraining her and then dumping her.

Women should not hit men, but I have never seen a woman hit a man and wound him, knock him unconscious, etc.

Maybe your perspective is different if your male relatives are small guys. Or if you're a big, strong woman. My husband is twice my size, and I would never hit him. But if I did, it would piss him off or hurt his feelings more than causing him actual physical pain or injury. Versus he can hurt or bruise me when we're just playing around (not play fighting b/c I don't do that either).

I guess if I were bigger than my husband, I would be less likely to feel like he shouldn't hit me back if I hit him first.

 

[Evolving78]

That's some punk mess you do. Stay in your lane wit folks that entertain that crap. but don't do me. This is a small world.

And I said what I needed to say and I'm not repeating or going back and for wit you. Let me be chick.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Of course I believe that it's wrong. I didn't even know it was quite an epidemic, in my mind hitting a guy doesn't make sense because I'm sure it won't bother/hurt him anyway.

Men need to leave these headaches alone in that case.

This is not true. Men are naturally stronger, yes, but they are capable of getting hurt. And yes, it is an epidemic.

It's a game of manipulation. There are types of men who use a woman, riling her up to the point of her reacting in such frustration, she hits him. This, then, gives him the "right" to strike her back because "all is fair these days." It's a game, ladies. You are the loser. These men don't have the right to strike you back and they don't have the right to manipulate you into considering ever for a second to strike them. They've offered the first offensive. You took the bait. It was always about his master control. SMH.

Please explain this.

I believe that there are all types of people doing all types of things. So your statement seems kind of random.

The examples I've seen with men who get hit do not fit the bill. A good friend of mine was stabbed multiple times by his angry ex wife. I just can't take the topic of "justifiable hitting" lightly.

Eta: there are people who are insinuating that the man had to have done something to deserve these blows. That doesn't make sense when it's a man hitting a woman though? Alrighty...

 

[dicapr]

I agree. Women should not hit men. But to your specific point about rats, my question still stands. Why are these men dating abusive women? Especially if they know upfront what these women are about? If they learned to make better choices, they wouldn't be in such bad situations with these women, right?

The same question can be asked of why women stay in relationships with men that physically abuse them. Men who get beat have been mentally broken long before the beatings start. I have a work-friend whose family is going through this now. Her nephews wife physically abuses him to the point the kids are scared about how badly their dad gets beat. But if you look at their history the wife has been breaking this man down mentally long before she raises her hand to him. Now he has that abused mindset and won't leave her.

 

[FlowerHair]

I would never hit my SO. Ever.

But I'm 100% sure he wouldn't hit back. We don't have that kind of relationship.

 

[sj10460]

Is there going to be anyone who is going to say yes they hit their current SO and he hits back?

Yes, he will and he has.

 

[C@ssandr@]

The same question can be asked of why women stay in relationships with men that physically abuse them.

Men who get beat have been mentally broken long before the beatings start. I have a work-friend whose family is going through this now. Her nephews wife physically abuses him to the point the kids are scared about how badly their dad gets beat. But if you look at their history the wife has been breaking this man down physically long before she raises her hand to him. Now he has that abused mindset and won't leave her.

This happened to someone I know. His mother caught on to the fact that his gf was abusing him. It wasn't beat downs though..it was little hits and scratches here and there. She let that girl have it.

People don't take domestic violence against men seriously

Our hands are tied with abuse against women and a plethora of other women issues. It's even interesting to see how the women on this board probably don't consider themselves abusers even though they've openly admitted to hitting men. Is this the same mindset that men have when they abuse women? Just a thought...

 

[GoldenRule]

My husband would not have hit me if I hit him. He was struck in the face by a random woman in public though and he swung on her. He missed but he definitely went there. He was glad he missed later because he said he went all out with it but he said it was more of a reflex than anything. He couldn't have stopped if he tried.

 

[brooklyngal73]

Yeah, basically....

I really don't understand why people don't keep their hand to themselves..

 

[BackToMyRoots]

I can't imagine the scenario where I would hit my SO. And I can't imagine the scenario where he would hit me. So, does not apply.

 

[NijaG]

I dunno about these minority of women who fight with their or other men on the regular. I'm guessing if they are that aggressive then they attack and fight women the same way they are fighting the men. They don't differentiate.


However, the majority of women are not beating on their man. In the few situations I know off, when the woman has hit (usually a slap) her man, they were provoked beyond their normal responses. Their men didn't hit back. When things settled, the guys admitted to pushing the situation beyond the norm.

 

[dicapr]

I dunno about these minority of women who fight with their or other men on the regular. I'm guessing if they are that aggressive then they attack and fight women the same way they are fighting the men. They don't differentiate. However, the majority of women are not beating on their man. In the few situations I know off, when the woman has hit (usually a slap) her man, they were provoked beyond their normal responses. Their men didn't hit back. When things settled, the guys admitted to pushing the situation beyond the norm.

Men who hit women use the same excuse about being provoked above their normal response. Men hitting women is wrong but a woman hitting a man is also wrong. If women are provoked to physical violence without being struck how is it hard to believe that slapping your man might produce and equally out of the norm response by him hitting you back?

 

[LaBelleLL]

There is a lot of faux outrage going on this thread. People are using this serious and sensitive topic just to be nasty. It's practically seeping through my screen.

Stop referring to women in a pejorative sense. Stop referring to vagina. Please do not use the very real phenomenon of victims justifying their abuse as an insult or retort against someone else here. This is happening all around the world and is indicative of how DV can seriously disturb a person's mental state.

Just stop.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I am not sure if this thread is productive. I've/we've gotten up in arms about the topic, but that's about it. This discussion doesn't seem that fruitful, nor do I feel more educated or enlightened.

On a slightly related topic, I recently donated to a charity for violence in the LGBT community. Here's the link if you want to help:

https://www.crowdrise.com/Anti-ViolenceProject

 

[NOEChic]

I guess I'm not referring to ghetto rats. It's just not the norm for most women to get riled up to the point they strike a man. What is HE doing??

when a man hits a woman, no one wants to say what was she doing to make him hit her. So why is it ok for the reverse. Unless he was putting his hands on her she shouldn't hit him and vice versa. No one can MAKE you hit them with their words or actions, unless they hit you first. Own your own emotions and learn how to control them.

 

[NOEChic]

I wonder if one of those who see nothing wrong with it now and got into a future fight with a man and struck him, if they'd still feel that same way if he struck back.

i feel that way and bc I feel that way, I won't put my hands in a man. I'm 32 years old not some insolent child who doesn't know how to use their words or remove myself from a situation. When you grow up you do better.

 

[NOEChic]

In my case I was young and crazy enough to think he wouldn't hit me back. Frustrated because I felt like he wasn't hearing me I guess. I'm talking - all up in his face - pushing him and then... I picked up my purse and never looked back. He wasn't justified by any means but I knew then I could never be with anyone who wouldn't be anything but gentle with me... I am a passionate woman.

you put your hands on him first. Passionate "woman" or not learn how to use your words.

 

[NOEChic]

Of course I believe that it's wrong. I didn't even know it was quite an epidemic, in my mind hitting a guy doesn't make sense because I'm sure it won't bother/hurt him anyway. Men need to leave these headaches alone in that case.

men hurt too. Just bc you are a woman doesn't mean you won't have power behind your punch.

 

[NOEChic]

How is it passive aggressive if you got the message? Stop using phrases you don't know the meaning of. I am on my phone and I am not going to be trying to remember internet names to please you. It wasn't even only you, but since you are the hit dog hollering, it explains a ton. Nothing about your words is a surprise. Victims of DV tend to find reasons to justify their dehumanization.

i was a victim of DV and my ex had NO REASON AT ALL TO PUT HIS HANDS ON ME. I didn't deserve it. I NEVER put my hands on him first. I ONLY stayed married bc I didn't want to get divorced within my first yr of marriage. However I do feel that if you hit someone they are well within their rights to retaliate. Don't want that drama, keep ya hands to yaself.

 

[ladysaraii]

I look at this as two different questions. And my answers are a bit contradictory.

1) I do believe that if I hit someone, I should be prepared for them to hit me back.

2) SO Specific: If for some reason I struck out at my SO, then no he shouldn't be hitting me back. And I wouldn't date someone who would. Or who I would be hitting.

and

3) I don't beleive that men should hit women. I understand that emotionally, they get caught up just like we do, but they have a bigger burden due to our physical differences. Is it fair? Maybe not. But neither is childbirth. If I can be expected to push a human out of my cooch, then he can learn to walk away.

It must be a new breed of women out here that believe its ok and justifiable for a man to hit a woman back.

The role of a man is to be a protector, so at the point he becomes a predator he is no longer protecting. Whomever I am in a relationship should love me and care enough about me to remove himself from the situation if I am "having a moment". It takes a bigger man not to do the fool with a fool.

Maybe this type of man is a rare breed nowaday, but I fully expect my SO/DH to be the bigger person if I am trying to pick a fight and vice versa.

Suppose you hit him and he doesn't hit you back...is it ok for his sister/cousin or whatever to come by and wax that arse?

I think this brings up a whole new issue where a woman hitting a man has become justifiable. Forget about what comes next.

I said it before in the last thread...let a woman try hitting on my brothers just because she's having a "moment". Men have moments too, and so do sisters and moms

Nope. They need to mind their own business.

Why are men dating girls like this?

Men need to learn to make better choices.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Men who hit women use the same excuse about being provoked above their normal response. Men hitting women is wrong but a woman hitting a man is also wrong. If women are provoked to physical violence without being struck how is it hard to believe that slapping your man might produce and equally out of the norm response by him hitting you back?

Even the most passive, morally centered man can have a bad day. It only takes ONE time. The lesson that should be sent to all is to not hit.

I blame reality tv. There are too many physical alterations glorified as entertainment yet we expect young people to "do what I say not what I watch"? I see far too many young girls engaging in physical alterations with boys. When I've said something they always bounce back with the "we just playing" but its easy to see how one slap/punch the wrong way can escalate a situation quickly.

The bigger lesson should be ensuring that we all emulate the behavior we expect in others - male and female. Making this point should not be viewed as victim blaming.

 

[NijaG]

Men who hit women use the same excuse about being provoked above their normal response. Men hitting women is wrong but a woman hitting a man is also wrong. If women are provoked to physical violence without being struck how is it hard to believe that slapping your man might produce and equally out of the norm response by him hitting you back?

The men using these excuses already have an established pattern of abusive behavior (verbal, mental, emotional).

In my circle of peers/family I don't know of any regular physical abusers (or the other types)

The situations I mentioned were one-time events. The couples are still together and thriving years after the event. When brought up, the men admit their actions caused what happened.

In a perfect world people won't hit each other. However, lets not forget that up until recently in the Western world, men were allowed in direct and indirect ways to punish their women physically for whatever infractions the men deemed necessary.

In other parts of the world, it's still seen as okay.

Since I don't believe that the things men and women do will always have the same effects, I guess I will say I've a double standard mindset on this matter.

The average woman hitting the average man, is not the same the other way around.

 

[Flourishnikov]

Ultimately, if YOU, a man or a woman, is EVER compelled (and CANNOT resist the urge) to physically strike your SO (should it be the first blow or a secondary blow), this speaks to BIGGER issues within your relationship.

If you choose to stay within this abusive relationship, your judgement and self esteem is questionable.

Furthermore, seeing as how men are MUCH stronger than women and may not know their strength. I pray that the woman that chooses to stay is blessed enough to come back from being hit, because every woman doesnt live past that one punch that she "provoked" or had coming to her.

 

[dicapr]

The men using these excuses already have an established pattern of abusive behavior (verbal, mental, emotional). In my circle of peers/family I don't know of any regular physical abusers (or the other types) The situations I mentioned were one-time events. The couples are still together and thriving years after the event. When brought up, the men admit their actions caused what happened. In a perfect world people won't hit each other. However, lets not forget that up until recently in the Western world, men were allowed in direct and indirect ways to punish their women physically for whatever infractions the men deemed necessary. In other parts of the world, it's still seen as okay. Since I don't believe that the things men and women do will always have the same effects, I guess I will say I've a double standard mindset on this matter. The average woman hitting the average man, is not the same the other way around.

If you admit you have a double standard I can respect that. I just don't. I believe that abuse is abuse. Just because men can do more
damage I don't believe it negates a woman's abusive behavior. We like to frame our men a super human able to withstand abuse without taking into account their past and humanity. As a human being if someone is trying to hurt your person the natural response is to protect one's self. There are also some men who were abused earlier in their life and a slap to them would be a trigger. I've even heard one man tell his wife that she couldn't touch him while they were arguing. He explained that his Dad would beat him until he knocked him out as a child and the abuse only stopped when he got old enough to fight back. He explained if she put her hands on him he couldn't assure her that he wouldn't flash back to being beat as a child and hurt her. They have a strict hands off during arguments policy in their household. My point is you should never find yourself in the wrong by throwing the first punch because you can't count on someone else to do right. You just can't go around getting physical with people unless you are willing to accept the possibility that they may lose control just like you did.

And while men should refrain from retaliating women should not be allowed to act like toddlers using physical means to express their frustration. The whole idea that women are somehow incapable of controlling their emotions and may lash out physically is appalling to me.

 

[JaneBond007]

This is not true. Men are naturally stronger, yes, but they are capable of getting hurt. And yes, it is an epidemic.



Please explain this.

I believe that there are all types of people doing all types of things. So your statement seems kind of random.

The examples I've seen with men who get hit do not fit the bill. A good friend of mine was stabbed multiple times by his angry ex wife. I just can't take the topic of "justifiable hitting" lightly.

Eta: there are people who are insinuating that the man had to have done something to deserve these blows. That doesn't make sense when it's a man hitting a woman though? Alrighty...

Alrighty??? No, that's not what I'm saying. You're talking about passive, weak, abused men in a situation where this is continuous. I'm talking about incidences in which a woman is backed into a corner and this is not her general persona. My question is, "is she being manipulated to produce the result to where he justifies what he always wanted to do, hit her back without judgment because he's retaliating?" It's not random, it's saying that some women are getting played and are not even realizing it.

 

[Kanky]

If you admit you have a double standard I can respect that. I just don't. I believe that abuse is abuse. Just because men can do more
damage I don't believe it negates a woman's abusive behavior. We like to frame our men a super human able to withstand abuse without taking into account their past and humanity. As a human being if someone is trying to hurt your person the natural response is to protect one's self. There are also some men who were abused earlier in their life and a slap to them would be a trigger. I've even heard one man tell his wife that she couldn't touch him while they were arguing. He explained that his Dad would beat him until he knocked him out as a child and the abuse only stopped when he got old enough to fight back. He explained if she put her hands on him he couldn't assure her that he wouldn't flash back to being beat as a child and hurt her. They have a strict hands off during arguments policy in their household. My point is you should never find yourself in the wrong by throwing the first punch because you can't count on someone else to do right. You just can't go around getting physical with people unless you are willing to accept the possibility that they may lose control just like you did.

And while men should refrain from retaliating women should not be allowed to act like toddlers using physical means to express their frustration. The whole idea that women are somehow incapable of controlling their emotions and may lash out physically is appalling to me.

She needs to leave that man until he gets therapy and his mind right. His kids might touch him during an argument. he should have let her know that he was crazy before they got married.

 

[JaneBond007]

i was a victim of DV and my ex had NO REASON AT ALL TO PUT HIS HANDS ON ME. I didn't deserve it. I NEVER put my hands on him first. I ONLY stayed married bc I didn't want to get divorced within my first yr of marriage. However I do feel that if you hit someone they are well within their rights to retaliate. Don't want that drama, keep ya hands to yaself.

I truly feel sorry you went through that. But I truly hope you see that there is just NO justification, period. Who on earth deserves it as opposed to the innocent ones? To the emboldened...NO, that is not a right. Defending oneself and someone is trying to kill you, pick up a brick if it means you have a chance to get away. But because you were hit is not justification to retaliate. I hope also that people realize that more men hit women unprovoked (I hate that term...I tell you, more of them set you up to feel like you provoke them than is true) than the other way around. Thsi is truly what I'm talking about in the BC. Even Tyler Perry promoted this in a few of his films with the nagged man finally taking a stance and telling his wife/girlfriend/babymomma to shut up and sit down and then he brandished his fists, pumped out his chest...and was encouraged to do so by other females as a way to take back his role of leadership. NO!!! What about the one who set up her fiance' to get beaten by a frying pan after throwing hot grits on him? This thing is so deeply engrained in the BC. People, please open your eyes.

 

[dicapr]

She needs to leave that man until he gets therapy and his mind right. His kids might touch him during an argument. he should have let her know that he was crazy before they got married.

Why would you be putting your hands on someone during an argument anyway? He was open and honest with her and she was able to work within his parameters. Isn't that what partners do? Or should he just get over his abuse so she can continue to back him into a corner by her actions during an argument. I'm beginning to see that many women really do believe that they are somehow excused for not controlling themselves when they are angry because men can take it.

What I'm getting from this discussion is many women are feel it is ok be emotionally immature and lash out when provoked but men who respond to their bad behavior are abusers. I though the idea about how many men are abuses by their wives/So and not reporting it was inflated but now I don't know. We tell women that if he hits you end the relationship and we expect men to understand he did something to provoke her.

 

[NOEChic]

I truly feel sorry you went through that. But I truly hope you see that there is just NO justification, period. Who on earth deserves it as opposed to the innocent ones? To the emboldened...NO, that is not a right. Defending oneself and someone is trying to kill you, pick up a brick if it means you have a chance to get away. But because you were hit is not justification to retaliate. I hope also that people realize that more men hit women unprovoked (I hate that term...I tell you, more of them set you up to feel like you provoke them than is true) than the other way around. Thsi is truly what I'm talking about in the BC. Even Tyler Perry promoted this in a few of his films with the nagged man finally taking a stance and telling his wife/girlfriend/babymomma to shut up and sit down and then he brandished his fists, pumped out his chest...and was encouraged to do so by other females as a way to take back his role of leadership. NO!!! What about the one who set up her fiance' to get beaten by a frying pan after throwing hot grits on him? This thing is so deeply engrained in the BC. People, please open your eyes.

if the is no justification to hit back there is no justification to hit first, no matter what he says. Learn to control yourself.