Single Christian Women's Support Thread

I'm in my 30s and still ain't married but honestly I don't cry to much about it anymore. In my mid 20s I thought it was the end of the world because everyone around me was getting married and I wasn't. Now ive come to terms and though it sucks that im still single I think God has given me strength to deal with it. During my 20s I wasted a lot of time on a man who was not worth my time and dealing with him destroyed me. After that relationship I went on to make more relationship errors and by 29 everything just blew up in my face. Since then I have not dated but I don't really want to. The reason is because I have a lot of work I have to do on me. A lot of women say they want to marry but have passed on chances because the guy was not their type for whatever reason. Sometimes God can send you something that is not necessarily. Appealing to you but it is the best thing for you. I believe many of us have missed our chances and now have to pray God for a second chance. The older you get the harder it is to find a quality man so ladies who are still young please choose wisely. If you dating someone pray and ask God if he is tor you. Trust me God will answer that.

I know in my 20s I was preoccupied and even if God wanted to send the one I would not have noticed because I was wrapped into this man. Now I am all for the Lord and I believe he will send someone my way when he feels om ready.
 
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MarriageMaterial honey you almost made me have to run around my office. Wow I could have wrote this word for word. I can't say anything that will comfort you but I do want you to know your not alone in your feelings. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not one of the lucky ones who has no desire to marry bc that would make things so easy but then there are some who don't desire and get married. I also wish I was one of those that had a super busy life so I wouldn't have time. But I don't. I hope God will show me if I'm made to be married or if I will die a sexually unfullfileld woman. But we can do the best we can and that's it.
 
MarriageMaterial, I FEEL you. More importantly, God feels you. He knows everything about you--every care, every pain, every doubt, and every worry. I want to share something that I read this weekend by Fulton Sheen and hopefully it will help you too:

...Neither can one enjoy love without a certain amount of self-denial. It is not that love by its nature demands suffering, for there is no suffering in Divine Love. But whenever love is imperfect, or whenever a body is associated with a soul, there must be suffering, for such is the cost of love's purification.
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Neither can one mount from one level of love to another without a certain amount of purification.
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The heart was made for the infinite and only the infinite can satisfy it.
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What does all that tell me? It tells me that my suffering is not in vain. The path to the cross involved a lot of suffering but it was a path of True Love. Everything in the earthly world has a spiritual counterpart. Love is sacrificial--earthly love even more so. Everyone has to pay their dues, even after marriage. Some of us have to pay our dues up front, it seems, and wait wait wait. But when you get down, take it to the foot of the cross and think about Jesus' own sufferings. Lay your burden down and join it with His own suffering. We all have those moments, but whatever you do, don't stay in those moments.

And lastly, two verses God led me to today when I was feeling down about something specific. I prayed for Him to speak to me and opened up my Bible to the following:

That your faith should not be in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God. . .But it is written "eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him." I Cor 2:5 and 9
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Gather My saints together to Me, those who have made a covenant with Me by sacrifice. . .Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me. Psalm 50:5 and 15
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BrandNew said:
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Thank you for this. Further confirmation about a word I received recently :yep: Here are my thoughts: if I gave my life to Christ--truly surrendered my life to Him--that includes all areas. If I'm truly a slave for Him, He has the authority to give me away in marriage as His daughter in marriage as He sees fit. I have free will and can ultimately say "yes" or "no" but the timing, the man, it's not totally up to me. I know this is completely different than what the world says. . .

Don't get it twisted ladies, any one of us could be married by now if we simply wanted to be married. We have a higher calling and just any man won't do. God's standards are high too and He won't pair us with just anyone! There may even be a dozen men out there that we could find on our own that we would get along pretty well with. However, I believe God knows who the best possible match is and if we can sit still and give Him the opportunity to orchestrate our love story. . . I really think He wants to. Let's continue to be open and watchful like the virgins who had enough oil in their lamps while waiting for the Bridegroom.
 
I recommended this book before in this thread but I'll post it again. When God Writes Your Love Story centres on what Belle Du Jour posted above about surrendering every area including our love life to God and allowing him to write the perfect love story for us.
 
I'm PMSing and I know it, but the loneliness and heartache have been a bit overwhelming this evening. I just want some seafood and someone to talk to, and it's frustrating not to be able to do anything about either one. :sad:
 
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BrandNew said:
I recommended this book before in this thread but I'll post it again. When God Writes Your Love Story centres on what Belle Du Jour posted above about surrendering every area including our love life to God and allowing him to write the perfect love story for us.
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I have been fighting with myself all summer about whether or not to get this book. Literally, all summer. I kept thinking--do I need another relationship book? It was a search for reviews on this book that led me to discover Cheryl McKay's book in the first place. I think I was hesitant to buy it because the Ludys were SO YOUNG when they met so I just didn't believe their story would be that inspirational for me since I'm over the age of 30. But after seeing your post, I went right to Amazon and bought it. I didn't want to ignore that prompting anymore. So far, I'm loving it. I don't know if it will be a breakthrough book for me (like McKay's book was) but I'm loving it so far. :yep:

I'm now on a self-imposed ban on relationship books :look:
 
nubiennze said:
I'm PMSing and I know it, but the loneliness and heartache have been a bit overwhelming this evening. I just want some seafood and someone to talk to, and it's frustrating not to be able to do anything about either one. :sad:
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Sooo...shortly after I posted this, an old suitor--someone in whom I was never particularly interested--hit me up talking about we could've been married by now but I always turned him down. :ohwell: At the time I thanked the Lord for the distraction as I was in a spiritually vulnerable place, but idk y'all...I have my reservations.

I did agree to work toward rekindling a friendship with ol' boy, so please help me pray that I'm sensitive and spiritually responsible in this situation (should a "situation" persist).
 
Don't quote me on this, but I keep hearing in my spirit (or head) that I won't meet my future husband until two years from now. Sometimes I hear from God correctly, and sometimes I don't. It's a work in progress, but I keep on hearing two years. Even now, I just left the "Please Share How God Answered Your Marriage Prayers" thread and read a testimony from a woman who went on a 2-year dating sabbatical before meeting her husband. I really feel like that is what I'm called to do (even before reading her story).

There's a lot of purging that I need to do. It's not necessarily so that I can "prepare" for my future husband, should I be blessed with one. It is more so that I can "remove" the buildup and "fix" the damage from all the previous dating that I have done. I am really filthified (just made up that word) ... more than I thought. Even if I don't get married in this life, this purging will help me be a better, stronger, more grounded, more PURE person.

Also, I've put reading "Finally the Bride" on hold to finish reading "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". It just seems like a more logical step for me to read that latter first. Also, I need to return the latter to my acquaintance soon; I own the former on Kindle.

What sticks out to me from the book so far are the differences in dating God's way vs. the world's way AND loving someone God's way vs. the world's way. Though the book essentially discusses the topic of dating for marriage, which is something many of us already know and are possibly already practicing, the way the author marries it with various Scriptures and insight is refreshing. The book delves WAY beyond saving oneself (i.e., one's body) for marriage. There's discussion on how we hurt others if we date selfishly (i.e., we are not displaying the LOVE of Christ), on awakening intimacy and emotions before commitment, on wasting valuable time we could be using to develop spiritually and serve the Lord, on the real meaning of LOVE (i.e., God's love), and MORE. I really like the read so far. Granted, I'm barely halfway through the book, so there might be more than what I've already discussed ... including more than dating for marriage.
 
loolalooh, let me share with you a story about timelines and dates:

This blogger felt she was called to step away from dating for 3 years. She kept putting it off but finally decided to do it. Well, 9 days before her three years were up, a man contacted her on an internet dating website that she was on. She asked him to wait for 9 days--she wanted to honor her promise. He contacted her and they talked for a bit but she wasn't interested. He kept texting her to tell he prayed for her and stuff like that. She smiled but never replied. One day, she had a feeling that she had scales over her eyes and asked God to help her see if He was trying to present her something adn she was being blind. She decided to give the guy a chance. They were engaged 8 months later, married 4 months after that she is due with her first child in a few weeks.

Here are two more posts that she wrote that are very insightful:
http://lisageek.blogspot.ch/2009/08/alluding-love.html
http://lisageek.blogspot.ch/2009/08/i-believe-in-himand-him.html

God absolutely has a timeline in mind for each of us who have surrendered this area to Him. Be like Mary and ponder it in your heart and keep moving and growing. God bless you on your journey.
 
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It's refreshing to see 30 something year olds up in here. Sometimes I feel so old and even worse for not being married with children. That biological clock is real! Let me tell you, when I was in my 20's, I was on fire for Christ or was buried in my studies. I did date but had no problem letting them step if they couldn't respect me for being a virgin. Then I got in my 30's. The clock started ticking, the fire burned out, I wasn't meeting any men and the sexual desires were getting stronger. For the first time in my life I backslid and I'm still backsliding. It's a hard rut to get out of and truly saddening, especially when I look back at how I was in my 20's. I never imagined being at such a sad point in my life. I never saw it coming. I never had anyone to minister to me about this area in my life as a 30 something year old. I remember writing to Kirk Cameron ministries telling them that teens are not the only ones who struggle with sexual desires, adults do too!! It's like Christian adults are the forgotten ones. I assume the church expects most people to be married in their 20's so they see no real need to address us 30's 40's 50 year olds who remain single and struggle with such a difficult area.
 
Belle Du Jour said:
loolalooh, let me share with you a story about timelines and dates:

This blogger felt she was called to step away from dating for 3 years. She kept putting it off but finally decided to do it. Well, 9 days before her three years were up, a man contacted her on an internet dating website that she was on. She asked him to wait for 9 days--she wanted to honor her promise. He contacted her and they talked for a bit but she wasn't interested. He kept texting her to tell he prayed for her and stuff like that. She smiled but never replied. One day, she had a feeling that she had scales over her eyes and asked God to help her see if He was trying to present her something adn she was being blind. She decided to give the guy a chance. They were engaged 8 months later, married 4 months after that she is due with her first child in a few weeks.

Here are two more posts that she wrote that are very insightful:
http://lisageek.blogspot.ch/2009/08/alluding-love.html
http://lisageek.blogspot.ch/2009/08/i-believe-in-himand-him.html

God absolutely has a timeline in mind for each of us who have surrendered this area to Him. Be like Mary and ponder it in your heart and keep moving and growing. God bless you on your journey.
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Love it! Off to read. Thank you for sharing so much in this thread and other, Belle Du Jour. :) God bless you on your journey as well.
 
just here to encourage you ladies. i was reading a thread and a some women mentioned how they had to stop dating a guy because he was really into Christianity or he/they were not comfortable being unevenly yoked spritually. it just reminded me that there are men out there for us already in the body of Christ. not to say that God's light through us doesn't bring men that may be interested in us to Christ, but that we don't have to date non-Christian hoping/trying to change them or settle/whatever.

:)
 
Brighteyes35 said:
when I was in my 20's, I was buried in my studies.
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I made that same mistake in my early twenties and I now regret it. I look at ladies younger than me and they have no problem juggling a relationship and their studies. Nowadays I do something that is so un-Christian, I keep thinking about this guy I met in 2006, we both had to retake exams for a certain class we failed and he would often come sit next to me and talk to me. I felt so comfortable talking to him and we really got along great, but because I was so focused on school - which he probably noticed - it just ended there.
 
Maracujá said:
I made that same mistake in my early twenties and I now regret it. I look at ladies younger than me and they have no problem juggling a relationship and their studies. Nowadays I do something that is so un-Christian, I keep thinking about this guy I met in 2006, we both had to retake exams for a certain class we failed and he would often come sit next to me and talk to me. I felt so comfortable talking to him and we really got along great, but because I was so focused on school - which he probably noticed - it just ended there.
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The right thing at the wrong time, is still the wrong thing. When God brings you and your husband together. It will DEFINITELY be at the right time. If it was the wrong time for you, then he wasn't the one my dear.
 
Maracujá said:
I made that same mistake in my early twenties and I now regret it. I look at ladies younger than me and they have no problem juggling a relationship and their studies. Nowadays I do something that is so un-Christian, I keep thinking about this guy I met in 2006, we both had to retake exams for a certain class we failed and he would often come sit next to me and talk to me. I felt so comfortable talking to him and we really got along great, but because I was so focused on school - which he probably noticed - it just ended there.
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I know what you mean. I had a guy who I'm pretty sure was into me in college and our personalities bounced off of each other but there I was so buried in studies and determined to finish college with flying colors. You see, my parents never got the chance to even finish high school. They were pulled out of school to help their parents. So growing up, I was aware of how this limited us. We weren't poor but definitely hard working lower class. I knew college would be my ticket to a better life and I was determined to not let anything sidetrack me, Now that I look back, I regret it. Surely I could have juggled a boyfriend and studies. Like you said, these ladies do it all the time without even thinking. I hate feeling this way but had I known what I know now, my college years would have been VERY different! I wish someone would have told me it gets harder to find men when you get in your 30's. All I ever heard was The Lord will send him to you.
 
Sarophina said:
The right thing at the wrong time, is still the wrong thing. When God brings you and your husband together. It will DEFINITELY be at the right time. If it was the wrong time for you, then he wasn't the one my dear.
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Yep, and it's a lie from the devil to make someone think they blew it with someone or missed their destiny. Now, that isn't to say that we can't push a great person away but I believe when someone is truly from God, He can give you enough chances to get it right. How many times have we heard of men pursuing women despite them saying they weren't interested initially but God encouraged the men to keep pursuing. Eventually, the women got it.

Most of the times we think we let "the right one" get away, he wasn't really God's choice at all. But if the devil can keep you in a disappointed place, he knows he's got you. Take heart ladies and reject that message. :yep:
 
Belle Du Jour said:
Yep, and it's a lie from the devil to make someone think they blew it with someone or missed their destiny. Now, that isn't to say that we can't push a great person away but I believe when someone is truly from God, He can give you enough chances to get it right. How many times have we heard of men pursuing women despite them saying they weren't interested initially but God encouraged the men to keep pursuing. Eventually, the women got it.

Most of the times we think we let "the right one" get away, he wasn't really God's choice at all. But if the devil can keep you in a disappointed place, he knows he's got you. Take heart ladies and reject that message. :yep:
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Because thanks wasn't enough.

I've been struggling with this very burden for several days (weeks?) now, and I audibly sighed of relief--of deliverance--when I read this. Thank God for you and this timely, encouraging word. I'm about to print out copies for my desk, my car, my purse, and my bedroom so I'll be armed when the enemy tries to strike again. :lol:

Now I'm subscribed to this thread with instant notification, so how did I miss this post in the first place--i.e. days ago when it was first posted (and I could've really used it)...? You all see we have an adversary who's working overtime to, as Belle Du Jour mentioned, keep us in a disappointed place and disrupt our faith in and enjoyment of the Lord during this process.

Realize that we're at a war that necessitates a concerted effort on our parts to walk in the grace, the power, and the authority we already have in the Holy Spirit. It's so easy to fall into Satan's snares when we accept even an inkling of the world's standards and practices, so it's increasingly important--especially now with all the blatant attacks on black women and marriage--to actively employ our authority and stand on guard against all unclean spirits that present themselves in our thoughts. They will not have permission to take root, and I reject and rebuke any and all feelings of regret, rejection, disappointment, and inadequacy in Jesus' name...amen. :)

Thanks again for the reminder to reclaim OUR peace--and that our seasons of singleness don't have to be miserable, woeful periods of lack. :yep:
 
nubiennze said:
Because thanks wasn't enough.

I've been struggling with this very burden for several days (weeks?) now, and I audibly sighed of relief--of deliverance--when I read this. Thank God for you and this timely, encouraging word. I'm about to print out copies for my desk, my car, my purse, and my bedroom so I'll be armed when the enemy tries to strike again. :lol:

Now I'm subscribed to this thread with instant notification, so how did I miss this post in the first place--i.e. days ago when it was first posted (and I could've really used it)...? You all see we have an adversary who's working overtime to, as Belle Du Jour mentioned, keep us in a disappointed place and disrupt our faith in and enjoyment of the Lord during this process.

Realize that we're at a war that necessitates a concerted effort on our parts to walk in the grace, the power, and the authority we already have in the Holy Spirit. It's so easy to fall into Satan's snares when we accept even an inkling of the world's standards and practices, so it's increasingly important--especially now with all the blatant attacks on black women and marriage--to actively employ our authority and stand on guard against all unclean spirits that present themselves in our thoughts. They will not have permission to take root, and I reject and rebuke any and all feelings of regret, rejection, disappointment, and inadequacy in Jesus' name...amen. :)

Thanks again for the reminder to reclaim OUR peace--and that our seasons of singleness don't have to be miserable, woeful periods of lack. :yep:
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God has been ministering to me about this issue all summer and I feel His peace about it. It will be worked out. No need to stress over something I can't control. Like you said, we have an active enemy and I can't say how long this peace will last, but I cherish it because I've never had it about this particular issue. It is settled and I'm taking God at His word.

God bless you on your journey and stay encouraged!
 
Any wise words on emotional purity or guarding your heart? Sometimes, it's easy to get distracted by "counterfeits" or men who look good on paper but still might not be God's chosen for us. It's hard to let them go, however, because the good ones seem to be limited. . .Thoughts on releasing guys or not getting mentally/emotionally caught up with guys you are not in a courtship with?
 
Belle Du Jour said:
Any wise words on emotional purity or guarding your heart? Sometimes, it's easy to get distracted by "counterfeits" or men who look good on paper but still might not be God's chosen for us. It's hard to let them go, however, because the good ones seem to be limited. . .Thoughts on releasing guys or not getting mentally/emotionally caught up with guys you are not in a courtship with?
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Belle Du Jour:

I know this sounds cliche, but I believe the best thing to do is not let them in the "emotional" door to begin with. Once they're in, it's gets progressively harder to put them out. A lot of times, we like to say that we didn't notice they were "counterfeits" until we got emotionally invested. Well, it should be other way around. We shouldn't get emotionally invested until we know the guy is not a "counterfeit". And many times, the signs are there initially.

I believe one of the many reasons God gave us the Holy Spirit was to be able to readily discern in such situations as this. I believe when a man "is the one God has for us", He will make it obvious in our spirit. There will be no guessing game. Thus, all other men stay outside of that emotional door until further notice.

How do we keep that emotional door closed until then? Well, here are some things I'm planning to do. I'm not suggesting these as rules, but they're just things that will help me and may help others:
*no one-on-one hangouts with a man who is not courting me; only hang out in a group setting
*no late night phone conversations with a man who is not courting me
Essentially no time to allow for emotional ties.

How do I release a current counterfeit? Actually, I'm going through that right now. Here's what I've started doing:
*warfare in the form of remembering God's word; the enemy likes to say "Oh, just hold onto him until your husband comes" and "Oh, but him as a husband won't be so bad" and "Oh, but there are so few good men out there" and etc. So I fight back with God's word.
*rejecting future dates/hangouts with the counterfeit
*rejecting future phone conversations with the counterfeit
*blasting praise and worship music when I get the urge to pick up that phone or go on a date with them

I hope this helps. I'll also bump for other ladies to share.
 
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