A Single Women's Guide to Marriage Preparation

[neenzmj]

But they are great! Educate us...

Titus 2...

Ok, here is the first part of what I wrote:
The scripture tells us that the greatest thing we can do is to love. (I Corinthians 13:13.) When my husband and I first met, I was just so darned happy and excited about the fact that here was a really nice-looking Christian guy who seemed to like me. I was even more excited once I realized that he REALLY like me and wanted a relationship – a real relationship. But then… when he uttered those magical words “I Love You,” well, as many of you probably can imagine, that was just the ultimate, next to him asking me to marry him. So, we proclaim our love for one another and everything is just wonderful. We love being around each other, we love talking to one another, we can’t wait until the next time we see each other. We spend late nights talking on the phone into the wee hours of the morning and it’s all wonderful because WE LOVE EACH OTHER. But what we were really experiencing was just the romantic side of love -- not the type of love necessary to sustain a marriage over the long haul and certainly not the type of love God says we should have. It’s only the love found in I Corinthians 13 that’s going to sustain a marriage through the challenges of life. So, I challenge all your single ladies to take a look at I Corinthians ask yourself how close you are to being prepared to exhibit this kind of love toward your potential husband. As you read these passages of scripture, you’ll probably find that none of them are remotely close to the warm and fuzzy feelings when have when we first say those magical words.



Love is Patient
How patient are you? How many times do you give someone to make a mistake before your patience runs out and you’re ready to “get with them?” How tolerant are you? How long are you willing to endure with someone? Marriage requires patience – patience while you figure out personality differences, gender differences, quirks, habits, pet peeves. After 13 years my husband still leaves the toilet seat up sometimes, but it’s ok – I know how to put it down and every now and then I gently remind him about it the same way he reminds me to close the cabinet doors. One of these days, it will become a habit for both of us.

Love is Kind
How kind are you – not when everything is going well, but during those times when you’re tired and you’ve worked all day and you’re grouchy? Can you still speak a kind word or have a kind attitude when you least feel like it? How kind are you when you’re “PMS-ing?”

Love Is Not Rude
Ever noticed how polite we are when we meet someone new? We say “please” and “thank you.” We ask things of each other politely (“will you,” “would you mind”) You don’t get a pass on being rude once prince charming gives you a ring. Don’t front while you’re in the dating stages and then turn into this monster after you say “I Do.” Start taking note of how you deal with others now. It might be an indication of the areas you need to work on in a future relationship.

Love is Not Self-Seeking
Four words: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. The next time you get irritated with someone, count the number of “I” or “Me” statements. More often than not, the things we get irritated about are rooted in self: I didn’t get my way, I was inconvenienced, I wanted to do…. Do you see the common thread: I – it’s all about me. It’s not all about YOU in a marriage. It’s not just about YOUR wants, YOUR desires, YOUR needs. It’s about the relationship and that sometimes means putting your stuff on the backburner for the sake of the spouse and the relationship. BUT, if your spouse is also practicing Godly love, He will seek to serve YOU and not himself which will result in you serving one another, as God intended.

 

[neenzmj]

After reading Lady in Waiting and Choosing God's Best, I truly believe that to prepare for a godly marriage, you need to prepare by becoming a godly woman. Right now, I am very focused on being the godly woman who God wants me to be.

I've just started reading the book Beautiful in God's Eyes - The Treasures of the Proverbs 31 Woman by Elizabeth George. The Bible is definitely my guidebook but I also like Christian self-help to break things down by topics. I can see this book just being one of many that can only help me in learning some of the things the ladies above have mentioned.

In my mind, the bold is really the key. We should be seeking to become women of God first and foremost for our relationship with the Lord. If we've got that in order, then a major part of the work is already done. If all we're doing is trying to "prepare" for marriage without allowing the Lord to transform us, then we're asking for problems when the REAL person shows up on the scene.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I love this....more please...

Great question:



First of all, you have to have something to work with. If we really knew what marriage was all about many of us would chose differently. Personally, I believe gender roles are important in any strong relationship. A man is already a man and should posess certain qualities ie. protection, provision, and spiritual maturity. A real man is not looking for a woman that posesses all of these qualaties as they should already have them.



Learn how to embrace your feminie role. The man God sends you to will need your help. That is why you are called a helpmeet. Begin to train yourself in things that will make you a proper help. He doesnt need you to pay the bills - he should already be doing that. He doesnt need you to be the spiritual covering in the home, he should be prepared to be that. Not with the things God has required him to do. This is not a popular idea, but I believe it is God's idea. Does this mean a large part of your efforts will be home-centered? It should. If you work outside the home make sure you learn how to leave that role in the garage and come home to be "wife". If you are a student, pursue a degree that will allow you flexibility necessary to make certain your husband and children are cared for. He should not have to compete with your career.


Many women make the mistake of taking on their husbands role which usually causes them to become lazy and not accomplish all God wants to accomplish through them.


I have much more to say, but I am certain many of you think I have said enough already.

 

[ChelzBoo]

Great question:



First of all, you have to have something to work with. If we really knew what marriage was all about many of us would chose differently. Personally, I believe gender roles are important in any strong relationship. A man is already a man and should posess certain qualities ie. protection, provision, and spiritual maturity. A real man is not looking for a woman that posesses all of these qualaties as they should already have them.



Learn how to embrace your feminie role. The man God sends you to will need your help. That is why you are called a helpmeet. Begin to train yourself in things that will make you a proper help. He doesnt need you to pay the bills - he should already be doing that. He doesnt need you to be the spiritual covering in the home, he should be prepared to be that. Not with the things God has required him to do. This is not a popular idea, but I believe it is God's idea. Does this mean a large part of your efforts will be home-centered? It should. If you work outside the home make sure you learn how to leave that role in the garage and come home to be "wife". If you are a student, pursue a degree that will allow you flexibility necessary to make certain your husband and children are cared for. He should not have to compete with your career.


Many women make the mistake of taking on their husbands role which usually causes them to become lazy and not accomplish all God wants to accomplish through them.


I have much more to say, but I am certain many of you think I have said enough already.

thats good. im going to remember that. and i do think that in our society alot of women are a little overly independent so by the time they do get married, their careers come first and their husbands are left in the dark.

 

[ChelzBoo]

Ok, here is the first part of what I wrote:
The scripture tells us that the greatest thing we can do is to love. (I Corinthians 13:13.) When my husband and I first met, I was just so darned happy and excited about the fact that here was a really nice-looking Christian guy who seemed to like me. I was even more excited once I realized that he REALLY like me and wanted a relationship – a real relationship. But then… when he uttered those magical words “I Love You,” well, as many of you probably can imagine, that was just the ultimate, next to him asking me to marry him. So, we proclaim our love for one another and everything is just wonderful. We love being around each other, we love talking to one another, we can’t wait until the next time we see each other. We spend late nights talking on the phone into the wee hours of the morning and it’s all wonderful because WE LOVE EACH OTHER. But what we were really experiencing was just the romantic side of love -- not the type of love necessary to sustain a marriage over the long haul and certainly not the type of love God says we should have. It’s only the love found in I Corinthians 13 that’s going to sustain a marriage through the challenges of life. So, I challenge all your single ladies to take a look at I Corinthians ask yourself how close you are to being prepared to exhibit this kind of love toward your potential husband. As you read these passages of scripture, you’ll probably find that none of them are remotely close to the warm and fuzzy feelings when have when we first say those magical words.


Love is Patient
How patient are you? How many times do you give someone to make a mistake before your patience runs out and you’re ready to “get with them?” How tolerant are you? How long are you willing to endure with someone? Marriage requires patience – patience while you figure out personality differences, gender differences, quirks, habits, pet peeves. After 13 years my husband still leaves the toilet seat up sometimes, but it’s ok – I know how to put it down and every now and then I gently remind him about it the same way he reminds me to close the cabinet doors. One of these days, it will become a habit for both of us.

Love is Kind
How kind are you – not when everything is going well, but during those times when you’re tired and you’ve worked all day and you’re grouchy? Can you still speak a kind word or have a kind attitude when you least feel like it? How kind are you when you’re “PMS-ing?”

Love Is Not Rude
Ever noticed how polite we are when we meet someone new? We say “please” and “thank you.” We ask things of each other politely (“will you,” “would you mind”) You don’t get a pass on being rude once prince charming gives you a ring. Don’t front while you’re in the dating stages and then turn into this monster after you say “I Do.” Start taking note of how you deal with others now. It might be an indication of the areas you need to work on in a future relationship.

Love is Not Self-Seeking
Four words: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. The next time you get irritated with someone, count the number of “I” or “Me” statements. More often than not, the things we get irritated about are rooted in self: I didn’t get my way, I was inconvenienced, I wanted to do…. Do you see the common thread: I – it’s all about me. It’s not all about YOU in a marriage. It’s not just about YOUR wants, YOUR desires, YOUR needs. It’s about the relationship and that sometimes means putting your stuff on the backburner for the sake of the spouse and the relationship. BUT, if your spouse is also practicing Godly love, He will seek to serve YOU and not himself which will result in you serving one another, as God intended.

i absolutely love this. i believe slowly but surely that god is preparing me for marriage sometime in the near future. and after reading scriptures and talking to godly men and woman about marriage ive come to find out that if the true reason for marriage is NOT GOD... the cohesive that keeps the marriage together whether its kids, stability, love, friendship etc. isnt always strong enough to KEEP the marriage together after it has been tested in some cases. he is the only glue that can withstand any and every kind of test imaginable in a marriage and keep 2 people together....and its all because of his love.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

A Virtuous Woman In the Eyes of God
by Pastor Jim Feeney, Ph.D.



Sermon Summary: Many Christians’ definition of a “virtuous woman” would center on prayer, Bible study, and spirituality. But God’s Scriptural portrait of the virtuous woman is surprisingly different.

The Bible speaks of the “virtuous woman”. Who is she? How does God in His Word describe her? Does she pray faithfully each day? Is she used in the gifts of the Holy Spirit? Does she consistently do daily Bible study and have regular devotional times? The answer? — None of these traits is listed in God’s most extensive Scriptural description of the virtuous woman.

Now please understand me, there is no doubt that the excellent attributes listed above are valuable aspects of the lives of every Christian woman (and man). However, God devotes almost an entire chapter of the Bible to His description of the “virtuous woman”. And the favorable traits that God lists are, surprisingly to some readers, of a substantially different nature. Please go with me to the Bible’s grand description of the virtuous woman in the eyes of God — that is, Proverbs 31:10-31, quoted from the NIV and, where so noted, from the King James Version (KJV).

Proverbs 31:10, KJV Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

•• Thanks to the Lord, I found my virtuous woman in 1968 in Anchorage, Alaska. She witnessed to me and led me to saving faith in Jesus Christ. Four years later we were married and have now celebrated our 35th anniversary.

• Her worth has consistently proven to be “far above rubies”. I would describe my wife as “priceless!” I would readily suggest her as an illustration of the admirable traits that God lists in the following verses.

Vs. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

•• A virtuous woman inspires absolute confidence in her husband. He can “safely trust in her” (KJV). She is not impetuous, scatterbrained, or unpredictable. Rather, she can be trusted. Her husband can be confident in her. She will never deliberately let him down.

•• The husband of a biblical, virtuous woman “lacks nothing of value”. That is illustrated by some of her remarkable traits in the succeeding verses.

Vs. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

•• The virtuous woman “brings him good” — that is, her husband. She is not a “liberated” woman as defined by modern feminists. She is God-fearing (vs. 31) and husband- and family-oriented. And these are seen throughout this chapter as positive traits.

• Proverbs 12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband.

•• She brings him good. There does seem to be biblical wisdom in the modern-day axiom that “behind every good man stands a good woman”. She is an asset to her husband. She will never intentionally bring harm his way.

Vs. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

•• She is skilled and capable in working with fabric. The modern counterpart would be skill in things like quilting and sewing.

•• And notice that “she works”. There is no hint of laziness in this woman who is praised by God.

•• And she “worketh willingly with her hands” (KJV). She is “willing to get her hands dirty”, as the old saying goes. She is no prima donna! She is not “above” manual work.

Vs. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

•• She understands that the duties of a wife and mother include ensuring that her family is well fed.

• A virtuous woman, may I suggest, will excel in this area. She will not only go about to learn the necessary cooking skills, but she will study sound nutrition and will ensure that her family is fed nutritiously, not with a high proportion of out-of-the-box junk food.

Vs. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

•• This virtuous woman is not given to “sleeping in” in the mornings. No! Rather, she is up before dawn to make sure that her household is well fed.

• I cannot recall a single instance during our child-raising years when my wife left me and our four children to fend for ourselves at breakfast. She was always up early enough to send us off with a nutritious breakfast.

Vs. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

•• Amazing! This woman is no wimp! She has the intelligence and business sense to evaluate a piece of property and to buy it. She has her own “earnings”, with which she buys the field and plants a vineyard.

• In 1989 my wife was driving down a road near our rented home in Oregon. She spotted a vacant field for sale and came home and told me about it, recommending that we buy it. We went back together, looked it over, and did buy it. We then built on it the house in which we raised our four children over the next 15 years.

Vs. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

•• The virtuous woman is not afraid of physical work. I recall one day in Alaska when we had 30 cubic yards of good topsoil dumped in our backyard. Our task was to spread it by wheelbarrow before planting our lawn. After some time I took a break to lie down exhausted, and my wife and a friend were still out there shoveling dirt!

Vs. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

•• Like the bible’s virtuous woman, many modern women have their own home-based businesses. The woman in Proverbs 31 seems to have been a seamstress who sold garments and sashes (vss. 19, 24).

•• She apparently did her business well, working well into the evening, because “her trading [was] profitable”.

Vs. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

•• The virtuous woman learns domestic skills. My beloved maternal grandmother was an excellent seamstress. Widowed with seven children at home, her skills at making clothing were essential to keeping her children well clothed.

• My wife is an exceptionally gifted quilter. Our home is decorated in just about every room with the products of her skills. She made me personally a warm flannel quilt in a manly pattern that I treasure.

Vs. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

•• Her home-based skills have earned her a profitable income. She is ever willing to share this blessing with the poor and needy.

• I am reminded of stories told about America's Great Depression of the early 20th century, when millions were jobless, hungry, and sometimes homeless. Virtuous women by the thousands were known for their unflinching decision: "I will never turn a hungry person away from my door!"

Vs. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

•• She is fully aware of the priority of her family in her life over other things that might sidetrack her from her domestic responsibilities. She is an excellent illustration of the charge to younger women in Titus 2 (verse 5) to be “busy at home”.

Vs. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

•• Not only do her skills earn her an income from the merchants, she also makes sure that her own home’s needs are well cared for. The bed coverings referred to here could be similar to the quilts that my wife and many other virtuous women so painstakingly create.

•• This woman does not neglect her own appearance. She uses her skills to provide attractive clothing for herself.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Vs. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

•• When I served in the United States Air Force as a junior officer, I noticed that the high-ranking officers’ wives were consistently women of noteworthy character. The admirable traits of a good wife can secure respect for her husband as well.

•• Notice the God-approved division of responsibilities. She was at home, caring for her home and family. He was in a place of respect at the city gates among the elders of the land. The city gates are where much ancient commerce was conducted. So it is not unreasonable to surmise that the husband was conducting his business affairs there.

Vs. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

•• Already mentioned earlier, she seems to have had a home-based business. The surrounding verses make it clear, though, that she did not do this at the expense of the well-being of her household.

Vs. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

•• The virtuous woman has a sense of dignity. She is not frivolous or embarrassing in her conduct.

•• She looks to the future and makes sure that her household is well supplied, so that she can “laugh at the days to come”.

Vs. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

•• This godly woman speaks with wisdom. Virtually daily I listen to the wisdom that proceeds from my wife’s words. In fact, as I write this bible study, I fully intend to present a rough draft copy to her, so that I can mine the jewels of wisdom and experience that she can add to my understanding of this womanly topic.

•• The virtuous woman will offer faithful instruction. The context of the surrounding verses places the location of this instruction in her home. My wife faithfully instructed our four children in character issues, domestic responsibilities, social graces, and much, much more. I was an involved father, but I must sincerely attribute to my wife the credit for the majority of the training that our children received. She was their at-home “mom”, and she made the home a place of both love and learning.

Vs. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

•• The bible defines the husband as the head of the home (1 Timothy 3:4-5; 1 Corinthians 11:3). However, his daytime responsibilities are outside the home, at “the city gates” (vs. 23). The wife-and-mother is at home, as this chapter clearly indicates. So it is her daily responsibility (not his) to “watch over the affairs of her household” (vs. 27). This is consistent with the apostle Paul’s counsel to the younger widows to “marry, to have children, to manage their homes...” (1 Timothy 5:14).

•• The virtuous woman “does not eat the bread of idleness”. To this day I marvel at my wife’s energy and drive to maintain a nice, orderly home. “Idleness” is a word that is alien to her!

Vs. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.

•• Children raised by an involved, dedicated, loving, at-home mom rarely grow up feeling estranged from her. Rather, they bless her!

•• Likewise, the husband of such a virtuous woman will overflow with praise for her from his heart.

• I cannot adequately communicate in words how thankful I am for my wife. She has been an extraordinary mother to our children and a matchless wife to me.

Vs. 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

•• That is the sentiment that a biblical, virtuous woman as described in this chapter will evoke in her husband’s heart — “You are the best!”

Vs. 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

•• God is reminding us that beauty and charm are fleeting, temporal things. But that which earns genuine praise for a woman is that she is a God-fearing woman.

• I have mentioned a number of commendable traits in the virtuous woman I am married to. But the thing which surpasses them all is that she loves and serves the Lord with all her heart. She continues to inspire me with that dedication and faith. And her spiritual fervor has been an ever-visible example for our four children. I have certainly labored to train my children and be a godly example to them. But due in great measure to my wife’s input in their lives, all four children as adults are actively serving the Lord on their own.

Vs. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

•• A virtuous woman has a great reward coming from the Lord in eternity, along with the great fulfillment she will experience in this life for a “job well done”.

•• And her virtues will not only be known and blessed by her husband and children (vs. 28), but also her reputation will precede her to the “city gates”. The godly woman, whose life is patterned after Proverbs 31:10-31, will be well known and highly respected in her community.

--------------------------

Some concluding thoughts — Is Proverbs 31 the only place in the bible that describes the desirable traits of a believing woman? Of course not. There are other Scriptures that speak of women of prayer, women manifesting spiritual gifts, women sharing their testimonies, and much more.

However, there is no other Scripture portion that even remotely gives such a detailed description of the “virtuous woman” as does Proverbs 31:10-31. Repeating some of the highlights, the woman that God’s Word describes as praiseworthy:

• is of noble character

• is fully trustworthy

• is an asset to her husband

• is domestically skilled

• is concerned that her household be well and nutritiously fed

• is diligent, arising before dawn and busy until after dark

• is endowed with a good business sense, even to the point of buying a field and planting a vineyard

• may have her own profitable home-based business

• is a hard worker

• is generous to and aware of the poor and needy

• is wise in preparing her household for the needs of the days to come

• is wise in ensuring that she and her family are well and appropriately clothed

• is in proper relationship to her husband, who is out conducting his business affairs at the city gates

• is a woman of wisdom

• shows dignity and strength

• is a faithful instructor to her children

• is diligent to watch over her household

• is the recipient of blessing and praise from her children and her husband

• is above all a God-fearing, godly woman!

Such a woman has been enshrined in the Scriptures for several thousand years as God’s role model for the godly, virtuous woman. To the older women I say, teach these things to the younger women. To the younger women, I exhort you to resist the enticements of the antifamily feminist teachings of our day. Reach out, rather, to embrace God’s vision for you, His “virtuous women”. To such a woman God says (vs. 31), “Let her works praise her at the city gates.”

Postscript: This study is written with much deference and respect to those single women and widows who serve the Lord. They too may be deemed to be “virtuous women” in the light of the verses that apply to them in their unmarried state, both in Proverbs 31 and elsewhere in the Scriptures. In this bible study I have simply attempted to focus on the Proverbs 31 expression of God’s “virtuous woman” without trying to cover every possible marital situation. I extend my deepest respect to you virtuous ladies among the godly single women and widows!

 

[Duchesse]

These are great and helpful responses ladies! Please post more...the lengthier the better!

 

[MsSharee06]

This is an excellent thread please keep it coming... I've learned a lot about myself reading the posts. I've realized that I do have a problem with self centeredness at times...its important not to have this mindset in a relationship. I've realized its give and take; sacrifices will have to be made. Its funny after four years of being in a relationship, its finally starting to click. lol

 

[neenzmj]

Address any issues you may have about men

Ephesians 5:33 says: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Do you know how hard this can be when you’re carrying around a lot of old issues concerning men?

I have a friend who is currently struggling with distrust, anger and resentment toward men, and though she really desires to be married, that combination is a recipe for marriage problems.

Be honest with yourself. If you’re struggling with any of these feelings, I want to offer the same advice I offered my friend: take a step back and allow God to reveal and heal those hurts and give you the grace to forgive. Marriage won't make those feelings disappear. Many times, they just manifest themselves in different ways that can cause problems down the road. Unload all that baggage before the Lord, whether it’s the disappointment from failed relationships, the hurt of a failed marriage, the pain of a dysfunctional father/daughter relationship or the trauma of molestation or rape.

 

[ChelzBoo]

for me... i truely believe that before i expect god to bring me anybody worth marrying, i must be willing to be married to him first.

and thats exactly what im doing.

the lord has givin me soo much peace on the matter of marriage that if i never, ever,ever, ever, ever get married or have children.... i'll be ok. a husband can only do so much. but the lord can do more than enough.

 

[neenzmj]

Absolutely!

for me... i truely believe that before i expect god to bring me anybody worth marrying, i must be willing to be married to him first.

and thats exactly what im doing.

the lord has givin me soo much peace on the matter of marriage that if i never, ever,ever, ever, ever get married or have children.... i'll be ok. a husband can only do so much. but the lord can do more than enough.

 

[inthepink]

Address any issues you may have about men

Ephesians 5:33 says: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.Do you know how hard this can be when you’re carrying around a lot of old issues concerning men?

This reminds me of a seminar I attended a fear years ago by the author of Love and Respect. All about how woman ultimately needs love from a man and a man ultimately needs respect from a woman. If ever the chance,check out the book Love and Respect by by Emerson Eggerichs.

One thing I always notice when I think of these learnings is when women emasculate their husbands. It really bothers me.

My parents have been married almost 40 years and sometimes I just want to tell them to stop acting like children and speak nicely to each other. They go out and have fun and talk but at home, they drive me crazy just watching them interact. Their words can come out so harsh and unfriendly (more so my mom towards my dad). And it makes me so angry b/c they don't need to speak to each other that way. I tried to share some of this information but I am sure it went in one ear and out the other.

 

[momi]

for me... i truely believe that before i expect god to bring me anybody worth marrying, i must be willing to be married to him first.

and thats exactly what im doing.

the lord has givin me soo much peace on the matter of marriage that if i never, ever,ever, ever, ever get married or have children.... i'll be ok. a husband can only do so much. but the lord can do more than enough.

Thats the truth!

Even the best husband makes a very poor god.

 

[neenzmj]

hairlove:

I'm really glad you added this. I asked my husband what's one of the worst thing a woman could do to a man. His answer: emasculate him. Case in point: my uncle is 73 years old and he still struggles with things of this nature that were said to him over 40 years ago.

I think it particularly important for us to lift up our African American men. For some, the only place they may get that type of respect is in the home.

This reminds me of a seminar I attended a fear years ago by the author of Love and Respect. All about how woman ultimately needs love from a man and a man ultimately needs respect from a woman. If ever the chance,check out the book Love and Respect by by Emerson Eggerichs.

One thing I always notice when I think of these learnings is when women emasculate their husbands. It really bothers me.

My parents have been married almost 40 years and sometimes I just want to tell them to stop acting like children and speak nicely to each other. They go out and have fun and talk but at home, they drive me crazy just watching them interact. Their words can come out so harsh and unfriendly (more so my mom towards my dad). And it makes me so angry b/c they don't need to speak to each other that way. I tried to share some of this information but I am sure it went in one ear and out the other.

 

[a_ caribbean_dream]

Learn how to embrace your feminie role. The man God sends you to will need your help. That is why you are called a helpmeet. Begin to train yourself in things that will make you a proper help. He doesnt need you to pay the bills - he should already be doing that. He doesnt need you to be the spiritual covering in the home, he should be prepared to be that. Not with the things God has required him to do. This is not a popular idea, but I believe it is God's idea. Does this mean a large part of your efforts will be home-centered? It should. If you work outside the home make sure you learn how to leave that role in the garage and come home to be "wife". If you are a student, pursue a degree that will allow you flexibility necessary to make certain your husband and children are cared for. He should not have to compete with your career.


Many women make the mistake of taking on their husbands role which usually causes them to become lazy and not accomplish all God wants to accomplish through them.


I have much more to say, but I am certain many of you think I have said enough already.

I'm still struggling with this part after re-reading it several times.

Right now I am in pursuit of a degree which will allow me to be comfortable at home and comfortably financially but I don't want to stop there. I am currently in a decision making process which could potentially lead me into a career where it will be difficult to devote all my time to my family.

This is something that is very important to me, of course. I want to fulfill my role as a wife and mother. But I also feel like I need to accomplish my
personal goals as well...


I guess what I am trying to say is: Do I really have to sacrifice my educational goals in order to fulfill a more feminine role at home? As much as I desire to be a virtuous caring wife and mother, I don't know how I feel about that..

 

[momi]

I'm still struggling with this part after re-reading it several times.

Right now I am in pursuit of a degree which will allow me to be comfortable at home and comfortably financially but I don't want to stop there. I am currently in a decision making process which could potentially lead me into a career where it will be difficult to devote all my time to my family.

This is something that is very important to me, of course. I want to fulfill my role as a wife and mother. But I also feel like I need to accomplish my
personal goals as well...


I guess what I am trying to say is: Do I really have to sacrifice my educational goals in order to fulfill a more feminine role at home? As much as I desire to be a virtuous caring wife and mother, I don't know how I feel about that..

I would not say that at all! Continue with your education, keep your certifications current. However I would do this always communicating with my husband that you are in his corner and he has your full support AND giving him the deal or no deal card. If he feels neglected and has un-met needs he should always be your priority (after God of course). That is why it is soooo important who we marry. A man who is aware of his mandate to lay down his life for you will always want the best for you and submission is NO problem. Submission is only a problem when we marry someone who we dont trust with our lives. It is funny that we will trust someone enough to have children with, but not enough to submit to his leadership and authority. Although I submit to my husband, he is the one who makes the majority of the sacrifices in our home. He is the one who often goes without to ensure I am able to remain home with my children, he is the one who sacrifices time when he is tired to care for my needs and the needs of his children. Dont get me started...

When the children come you have the choice of scaling things down dramatically during that season (while maintaining your credentials). Afer they are older, then the possibility still exists for you to take on a bit more (if the desire is still there).

There are different seasons in marriage and family life. While I believe strongly in homemaking, there are different times in marriage that you may have the time and energy to invest in other areas. The bottom line is - somebody has to lose - just make sure it is not your family.

 

[neenzmj]

momi: Thank you so much for this. I couldn't have said it better!

I think it is vitally important for women to take a look at their priorities. Never should a woman's marriage, husband or children have to compete with job and education. Is it possible to have all three. Yes, but it's crucial to know what comes first AND be prepared (not just in words) to walk away from the lesser of the priorities if it ever comes down to it.

Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, but it comes with sacrifices that both individuals must be prepared to make. IF a woman has the slightest hint that there would be a problem making those sacrifices, she should reconsider marriage.

I would not say that at all! Continue with your education, keep your certifications current. However I would do this always communicating with my husband that you are in his corner and he has your full support AND giving him the deal or no deal card. If he feels neglected and has un-met needs he should always be your priority (after God of course). That is why it is soooo important who we marry. A man who is aware of his mandate to lay down his life for you will always want the best for you and submission is NO problem. Submission is only a problem when we marry someone who we dont trust with our lives. It is funny that we will trust someone enough to have children with, but not enough to submit to his leadership and authority. Although I submit to my husband, he is the one who makes the majority of the sacrifices in our home. He is the one who often goes without to ensure I am able to remain home with my children, he is the one who sacrifices time when he is tired to care for my needs and the needs of his children. Dont get me started...

When the children come you have the choice of scaling things down dramatically during that season (while maintaining your credentials). Afer they are older, then the possibility still exists for you to take on a bit more (if the desire is still there).

There are different seasons in marriage and family life. While I believe strongly in homemaking, there are different times in marriage that you may have the time and energy to invest in other areas. The bottom line is - somebody has to lose - just make sure it is not your family.

 

[Amour]

http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/1243632/

This is an incredible article on being productive whilst single. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The website is overally really good too.

 

[a_ caribbean_dream]

I would not say that at all! Continue with your education, keep your certifications current. However I would do this always communicating with my husband that you are in his corner and he has your full support AND giving him the deal or no deal card. If he feels neglected and has un-met needs he should always be your priority (after God of course). That is why it is soooo important who we marry. A man who is aware of his mandate to lay down his life for you will always want the best for you and submission is NO problem. Submission is only a problem when we marry someone who we dont trust with our lives. It is funny that we will trust someone enough to have children with, but not enough to submit to his leadership and authority. Although I submit to my husband, he is the one who makes the majority of the sacrifices in our home. He is the one who often goes without to ensure I am able to remain home with my children, he is the one who sacrifices time when he is tired to care for my needs and the needs of his children. Dont get me started...

When the children come you have the choice of scaling things down dramatically during that season (while maintaining your credentials). Afer they are older, then the possibility still exists for you to take on a bit more (if the desire is still there).

There are different seasons in marriage and family life. While I believe strongly in homemaking, there are different times in marriage that you may have the time and energy to invest in other areas. The bottom line is - somebody has to lose - just make sure it is not your family.

Thank you for putting this into perspective for me!!!

 

[divya]

Thank you for this thread!!!

 

[Lovie]

I haven't read all of the posts yet. But I'm really glad to see this thread.


I would say that the best thing you can do as a single Christian is ask God to prepare you for your husband, and pray for God to prepare his husband for you at the same time. Then you will find yourself perfectly aligned to your specific ministry, whatever that may be.

I recently married - and I have been preparing all of my life. When I got lonely, I would pray for my husband. I would ask God to comfort him. I began praying for the man that I knew existed. This did two things, it increased my faith, it increased my worship, and it began strengthening a bond with the man God destined for me.

I learned so much from the author Michelle McKinney Hammond. I'll never forget when I was sad at work one day many years ago over a relationship gone sour, and my friend walked in with a book - The 7 Secrets of an Irresistible Woman. McKinney-Hammond is a Christian author who touches on so many powerful things that help each indifivudla identify who they are in Christ.

When you know who you are in Christ, you have no fear in what the world may bring, and you approach all of your challenges with the power that exists when you are under God's perfect order.

Also - fellowship with other married people. I was always around wiser, smarter, stronger people - because birds of a feather flock together.

Take a close inventory of the characteristics of those around you. Often, unless you are ministering in some way, it is a strong reflection of innate qualities within you.


More later...

 

[Lovie]

http://www.michellehammond.com/

 

[inthepink]

I haven't read all of the posts yet. But I'm really glad to see this thread.


I would say that the best thing you can do as a single Christian is ask God to prepare you for your husband, and pray for God to prepare his husband for you at the same time. Then you will find yourself perfectly aligned to your specific ministry, whatever that may be.

I recently married - and I have been preparing all of my life. When I got lonely, I would pray for my husband. I would ask God to comfort him. I began praying for the man that I knew existed. This did two things, it increased my faith, it increased my worship, and it began strengthening a bond with the man God destined for me.

I learned so much from the author Michelle McKinney Hammond. I'll never forget when I was sad at work one day many years ago over a relationship gone sour, and my friend walked in with a book - The 7 Secrets of an Irresistible Woman. McKinney-Hammond is a Christian author who touches on so many powerful things that help each indifivudla identify who they are in Christ.

When you know who you are in Christ, you have no fear in what the world may bring, and you approach all of your challenges with the power that exists when you are under God's perfect order.

Also - fellowship with other married people. I was always around wiser, smarter, stronger people - because birds of a feather flock together.

Take a close inventory of the characteristics of those around you. Often, unless you are ministering in some way, it is a strong reflection of innate qualities within you.


More later...

I like this idea... What are some ways you can go about doing that especially when there seems to be many groups that are focused on married couples?

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Ive been doing this alot lately but it gets a little hard. I find I feel lonely more often too. Is this normal.

I haven't read all of the posts yet. But I'm really glad to see this thread.


I would say that the best thing you can do as a single Christian is ask God to prepare you for your husband, and pray for God to prepare his husband for you at the same time. Then you will find yourself perfectly aligned to your specific ministry, whatever that may be.

I recently married - and I have been preparing all of my life. When I got lonely, I would pray for my husband. I would ask God to comfort him. I began praying for the man that I knew existed. This did two things, it increased my faith, it increased my worship, and it began strengthening a bond with the man God destined for me.

I learned so much from the author Michelle McKinney Hammond. I'll never forget when I was sad at work one day many years ago over a relationship gone sour, and my friend walked in with a book - The 7 Secrets of an Irresistible Woman. McKinney-Hammond is a Christian author who touches on so many powerful things that help each indifivudla identify who they are in Christ.

When you know who you are in Christ, you have no fear in what the world may bring, and you approach all of your challenges with the power that exists when you are under God's perfect order.

Also - fellowship with other married people. I was always around wiser, smarter, stronger people - because birds of a feather flock together.

Take a close inventory of the characteristics of those around you. Often, unless you are ministering in some way, it is a strong reflection of innate qualities within you.


More later...

 

[Lovie]

I'm still struggling with this part after re-reading it several times.

Right now I am in pursuit of a degree which will allow me to be comfortable at home and comfortably financially but I don't want to stop there. I am currently in a decision making process which could potentially lead me into a career where it will be difficult to devote all my time to my family.

This is something that is very important to me, of course. I want to fulfill my role as a wife and mother. But I also feel like I need to accomplish my
personal goals as well...


I guess what I am trying to say is: Do I really have to sacrifice my educational goals in order to fulfill a more feminine role at home? As much as I desire to be a virtuous caring wife and mother, I don't know how I feel about that..

No. Even the Proverbs 31 woman worked in the market. Its about balance and how you are to support in the way God ordained for your marriage. Each marriage ministry is unique. Pray for discernment and wisdom in this matter, God will make it clear what His will is for you.

 

[Lovie]

HairLove -
There are a few ways you can position yourself.

Spend Time With Older Couples.
Sometimes this may mean stepping away from those close in your circle, but you broaden your understanding as you seek wisdom from examples of strong marriages. Often the activites that they participate in are more positive, and you learn to appreciate the value in relationships that stretch you a bit. Learn tips that you will apply one day. I spent much time learning from others older and wiser. This was good because my heart wasn't seeking anything with ulterior motives in searching for a mate.

Grab A Friend - And Attend Couples Events
Even though events are marketed for those "intended" to be engaged, or married, why not position yourself to understand the ministries of couples who have been in it for the long haul? This increases your knowledge. I believe when you position yourself for something, you will receive it. The more you reinforce walking into the destiny that God has, the stronger your faith is. And we know that increase in faith brings fruition in some form or another. Its usually a beautiful surprise.

Also, many people do singles conferences, etc. I never did, not that they are not powerful. I found more positivity in defining myself with personal activities - and not being afraid to do things alone. That strengthened self-confidence and awareness of who I was, and reinforced my self-definition based on my own experience .That will prove valuable when you are in a serious relationship heading towards marriage. You must know that you gave you time.


To PrettyFaceAnB-
Yes, it is normal to feel lonely. That is OK. Just make sure that you don't fill that emptiness with anything other than Christ's love and power. Doing so gives him permission to act on your behalf in the specific area of challenge. If you're lonely, cry to God instead, ask him to align your heart. Then seek how you are to prepare yourself in the mean time as a wife Make sure you are not "hungry" for love. You know how when you're hungry, almost ANYTHING will work to satisfy your appetite? Well, the same can hold true in our desires for companionship. Sometimes, we compromise in God's best for us because we cannot tolerate personal discomfort. We will settle for the first thing that satisfies our appetite! This can include personal friendships, and relationships with males. But it is through our weakness that Christ is made stronger in us -- when we give him permission to operate in the situation. Replace your hunger for a husband with a hunger for God. It takes practice, and then it will come natural. When you feel lonely, pray sweet little prayers for your husband. When you miss him, write him a love letter. He is out there! And one day, when you are married, he would love to know that you were keeping him covered, as God was working in both of your lives to bring you together. I used to buy Valentine's Day cards when I was single. And write how much I missed him and couldnt wait to meet him. It holds unmeasurable sentimental value later. When you feel lonely, ask yourself why? Do you believe God's promise has changed? If you begin trusting in God instead of fearing that you won't be attended to, your focus will remain on the right thing, and your spirit will attract what is healthy and good.


Being single is a blessing. You have the ability to only have to submit to God, and walk freely in your ministry. Give permission for Christ and the Holy Spirit to move in each area of your life so that your walk is pleasing to God as you continue in your preparation of being the woman God chose you to be in the very beginning.

 

[JinaRicci]

I love this thread- just read the whole thing and it brought so much comfort to me.

Lovie- thanks for your post on praying for your future mate. I used to do that and stopped late last yr when I got so discouraged but I need to start again and your post reminded me of that. I really like what you said about praying for him creates a bond between you and him through God... that is just awesome.

I'm still learning to be the woman that God has destined for me to be in preparation for marriage and God is teaching me about the man that he has created for me. I know I'm not ready yet but I know that God has something wonderful in store for me. He's told me that I am the apple of His eye which means that the man He has in store for me is also the apple of His eye. And I am looking forward to it.

Thanks ladies- I learned a whole lot.

 

[moonglowdiva]

Oops. I posted this in the wrong thread. .

 

[Lovie]

I'm still struggling with this part after re-reading it several times.

Right now I am in pursuit of a degree which will allow me to be comfortable at home and comfortably financially but I don't want to stop there. I am currently in a decision making process which could potentially lead me into a career where it will be difficult to devote all my time to my family.

This is something that is very important to me, of course. I want to fulfill my role as a wife and mother. But I also feel like I need to accomplish my
personal goals as well...


I guess what I am trying to say is: Do I really have to sacrifice my educational goals in order to fulfill a more feminine role at home? As much as I desire to be a virtuous caring wife and mother, I don't know how I feel about that..

I love this thread- just read the whole thing and it brought so much comfort to me.

Lovie- thanks for your post on praying for your future mate. I used to do that and stopped late last yr when I got so discouraged but I need to start again and your post reminded me of that. I really like what you said about praying for him creates a bond between you and him through God... that is just awesome.

I'm still learning to be the woman that God has destined for me to be in preparation for marriage and God is teaching me about the man that he has created for me. I know I'm not ready yet but I know that God has something wonderful in store for me. He's told me that I am the apple of His eye which means that the man He has in store for me is also the apple of His eye. And I am looking forward to it.

Thanks ladies- I learned a whole lot.

You're welcome.