My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[Day36]

OP, before you jump on this divorce path, remember that this is YOUR life. He's given you 15yrs of support. It's time for you to give him a partner. A marriage is a partnership and you havent held up your end. Yes, youve given him children. But, even as a SAHM, you need to be able to help him with the household more. You werent even able to get groceries on your own. Yes, it isnt all your fault. But, marriages dissolve due to both sides. Every action has a reaction. Just like his coldness will have a reaction from you. I think you two should go to counseling. This is def not the worst thing to happen to a marriage. But, like I said, this is your life.

And, to the ladies who want her to get a divorce and saying that he never loved her, you dont stay for 15 yrs for nothing. If things were the other way around, im sure we would hear "divorce him girl! He cant even drive and get groceries while you working so hard? You been doing this ish for 15yrs and he hasnt shown the want to help you? What kind of partner is he? He cant even get you McDonalds for your bday?! LEAVE. THAT. ***." However, many of you are forgetting that husband and wife are technically synonyms for "partner". Has OP truly been a partner to her husband? In his shoes, would you feel all in love like roses and wanted to keep this up for an unmeasurable amount of time? Even if your spouse was home to make sure the children were ok? How would yall feel if you came home to an empty fridge less you took your SO food shopping? And, while the children were @ school, your SO wasnt doing anything much for themselves?

But, I imagine since he's male, he cannot feel those things.

 

[Day36]

I have to say I wonder if he wants you out of the house for one reason or another, like getting the children or having a real estate agent come over to appraise the house.

Short of just wondering, ask him. "Why do you want to go out on a date seeing as last night you just told me you want out of our marriage?"

Dude, he didnt say he wants out. He said he didnt know if he had it in him to fight for something thats so seemingly stagnant.

 

[spelmanlocks]

It's very possible ya'll can work it out. I went to marital retreat and heard testimonies of marriages in bad situations that made it through some bad stuff. Anything is possible. I'm glad he opened up to you.

 

[zenith]

OP, before you jump on this divorce path, remember that this is YOUR life. He's given you 15yrs of support. It's time for you to give him a partner. A marriage is a partnership and you havent held up your end. Yes, youve given him children. But, even as a SAHM, you need to be able to help him with the household more. You werent even able to get groceries on your own. Yes, it isnt all your fault. But, marriages dissolve due to both sides. Every action has a reaction. Just like his coldness will have a reaction from you. I think you two should go to counseling. This is def not the worst thing to happen to a marriage. But, like I said, this is your life.

And, to the ladies who want her to get a divorce and saying that he never loved her, you dont stay for 15 yrs for nothing. If things were the other way around, im sure we would hear "divorce him girl! He cant even drive and get groceries while you working so hard? You been doing this ish for 15yrs and he hasnt shown the want to help you? What kind of partner is he? He cant even get you McDonalds for your bday?! LEAVE. THAT. ***." However, many of you are forgetting that husband and wife are technically synonyms for "partner". Has OP truly been a partner to her husband? In his shoes, would you feel all in love like roses and wanted to keep this up for an unmeasurable amount of time? Even if your spouse was home to make sure the children were ok? How would yall feel if you came home to an empty fridge less you took your SO food shopping? And, while the children were @ school, your SO wasnt doing anything much for themselves?

But, I imagine since he's male, he cannot feel those things.

THIS!!!! He would have been called anything but a child of God.


It's sad how you are among the few that have brought up going for counseling... I am shocked that most of the people screaming she get divorced are themselves married!!!!


Hubby wants to take her to the movies... folk are like "girl how dare he want to take you out after what he said to you?!" I mean really people!!!
If he didn't call to ask to take her out, y'all will be complaining, now that he has y'all STILL acting shady. I can't!!

 

[likewtr4chklit]

THIS!!!! He would have been called anything but a child of God.


It's sad how you are among the few that have brought up going for counseling... I am shocked that most of the people screaming she get divorced are themselves married!!!!


Hubby wants to take her to the movies... folk are like "girl how dare he want to take you out after what he said to you?!" I mean really people!!!
If he didn't call to ask to take her out, y'all will be complaining, now that he has y'all STILL acting shady. I can't!!

LHCF will have you divorced and single for the rest of your life.....SMH while they log off and go cook their husbands dinner. C'mon son. It's so easy to tell someone to go get a divorce.
How much alimony and child support does one expect to get off of $26/hr? This needs to be well thought out and decisions need to be made with a clear head.

 

[Dak]

Dude, he didnt say he wants out. He said he didnt know if he had it in him to fight for something thats so seemingly stagnant.

First, don't call me Dude. Second, I'm only quoting what the OP said herself.

Can you believe he just called me from work asking me if I want to go to the movies tonight? WTH? Is he messing with me? Does he not remember everything he said to me just today at 1:30 in the morning? I was so dumbfounded I didn't saying anything for about 10 seconds...he tells me to check the movie times and let him know. I just kind of gave a half hearted okay and that was the end of that. Why would he want to go to the movies with me when he doesn't even want to be MARRIED to me? I almost busted out bawling on the phone but held it together. Prior to him calling me to ask to go to the movies, the cell phone called the house and I answed but he didn't say anything I could just hear him and his coworkers and all the noises of the work environment (he works outdoors on a railway). I said hello, hello, for like a minute and then just hung up. I called him right back to tell him that the cell phone called me. Not even 5 minutes after that he calls to ask if we want to go to the movies...I don't know what to think.

 

[Mortons]

Maybe I am one of the few, but I can totally understand where your husband is coming from. You and your husband grew up together by getting married so young, however it may appear to him that you haven't grown as much as he has, and that is definitely a cause of concern. Getting a license, getting even a small part time job to contribute to the house, getting a little gig so that you could buy him something nice every once in a while, keeping yourself and your body right, are things that you should have taken the initiative to do. Bearing and raising kids is very important, however your husband has contributed just as much. He has single handedly taken care of you and the kids for the past 15 years. I dont see him as this bad guy, he could have handled it wayyyyyy better, but I can understand him being fed up. It happens to the best of us. Matter a fact, he seems rather chill considering he said he would keep taking care of you all after he moved out, cause most men would chuck the deuces and you would be stuck like chuck.

I may be in the minority, but I don't think you should go to your moms house. Once you go there, you will be dependent on your mom just like you are your husband. that would be living your life in a semi circle going from one end to the next. Discuss with your husband what you would like to do with yourself and take ACTION! After 15 years together, and no ill will, this man probably does love you. That's worth at least trying to fight for.

 

[MahoganyJazz]

Sorry to burst bubbles, but being a SAHM ain't luxurious. I was at home for a year, and the work was never ending. From sun up to sun down I had diapers to change, bottles to make, fussiness to settle, laundry to do, dishes to wash, and meals to prepare. I was worn out, and what little bit of rest I got was usually interrupted in the middle of the night by hungry babies who needed to be changed and fed. Plus, we had to squeeze all of our needs out of 1 income.

Going back to work not only provided the extra money, but it gave me a piece of mind. I no longer worry about making ends meet, and my emotional state improved drastically. The 8 hours a day that I spend at work is like my special get away. True, I have all those things to do when I get home, but now I'm more eager to put more effort into them because I'm not doing the same thing 24 hours a day.

Being a SAH is far from luxury. You're pretty much at the mercy of a man who can change on you at any time, and if you haven't been putting anything to the side for yourself, you literally have nothing. It works for some families, but I knew it wasn't working for me. I love seeing my check, contributing to my own 401k and savings, and splurging on my babes as well as myself every now and then without having to penny pinch.

 

[Mortons]

Sigh, prime example of women hearing waht they want. I believe the OP typed that her husband was conflicted and didnt know if he wanted to leave. Then it became, not wanting to be married. What did he REALLY SAY OP?

 

[Day36]

LHCF will have you divorced and single for the rest of your life.....SMH while they log off and go cook their husbands dinner. C'mon son. It's so easy to tell someone to go get a divorce.
How much alimony and child support does one expect to get off of $26/hr? This needs to be well thought out and decisions need to be made with a clear head.

After taxes and ish, that would leave like $3 CAN/hr/person. He needs help. He's supposed to pay for mortgage, clothing, misc things for the children, utilities, gas, food for 6, his/her personal things (sanitary napkins, etc), etc on like $24/hr after taxes?

And, he wasnt always making that salary. He needed help a long time ago.

And, a kick arse divorce lawyer cant generate money out of nothing. She'll still be hurting.

 

[Day36]

First, don't call me Dude. Second, I'm only quoting what the OP said herself.

LOL. Urm, I didnt mean to offend. Many here know that I just say Dude when im in disbelief. I will apologize tho, because you dont know me.

ETA: And, in her post where she said they spoke, she said he was unsure.

 

[Michelle1971]

Maybe I am one of the few, but I can totally understand where your husband is coming from. You and your husband grew up together by getting married so young, however it may appear to him that you haven't grown as much as he has, and that is definitely a cause of concern. Getting a license, getting even a small part time job to contribute to the house, getting a little gig so that you could buy him something nice every once in a while, keeping yourself and your body right, are things that you should have taken the initiative to do. Bearing and raising kids is very important, however your husband has contributed just as much. He has single handedly taken care of you and the kids for the past 15 years. I dont see him as this bad guy, he could have handled it wayyyyyy better, but I can understand him being fed up. It happens to the best of us. Matter a fact, he seems rather chill considering he said he would keep taking care of you all after he moved out, cause most men would chuck the deuces and you would be stuck like chuck.

I may be in the minority, but I don't think you should go to your moms house. Once you go there, you will be dependent on your mom just like you are your husband. that would be living your life in a semi circle going from one end to the next. Discuss with your husband what you would like to do with yourself and take ACTION! After 15 years together, and no ill will, this man probably does love you. That's worth at least trying to fight for.

She has worked on and off throughout their relationship so to say that he has singlehandedly taken care of her and the kids for the 15 years is a little off but either way, she has to take steps to better herself (job, drivers license) whether they stay together or not...

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Sorry to burst bubbles, but being a SAHM ain't luxurious. I was at home for a year, and the work was never ending. From sun up to sun down I had diapers to change, bottles to make, fussiness to settle, laundry to do, dishes to wash, and meals to prepare. I was worn out, and what little bit of rest I got was usually interrupted in the middle of the night by hungry babies who needed to be changed and fed. Plus, we had to squeeze all of our needs out of 1 income.

.

This would be totally relevant if all of OP's kids weren't school age.

 

[Day36]

And, MahoganyJazz, I think most of the women here KNOW that being a SAHM isnt luxurious. But, it is a luxury. If your husband couldnt carry the household on his own, albeit even with struggle, im sure you wouldve had to/wouldve chosen to work.

And, it is very hard work. Yet, you had babies. OP has children who are in school for a solid 8hrs. And, you went back to work after your babies were old enough/you had different help to make sure theyre safe. OP started this off not wanting to get a job, although the children are in school.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Sigh, prime example of women hearing waht they want. I believe the OP typed that her husband was conflicted and didnt know if he wanted to leave. Then it became, not wanting to be married. What did he REALLY SAY OP?

This is why I suggest counseling. It is so easy to hear what you want to hear or even subconsciously misinterpret what someone is saying. It's best to have an impartial listener there to help sort through all the mixed messages.

 

[Mortons]

Depends on how long, and how much she was working. But I think its fair to consider him the breadwinner so I figure calling it a wash was fair.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

And, MahoganyJazz, I think most of the women here KNOW that being a SAHM isnt luxurious. But, it is a luxury. If your husband couldnt carry the household on his own, albeit even with struggle, im sure you wouldve had to/wouldve chosen to work.

And, it is very hard work. Yet, you had babies. OP has children who are in school for a solid 8hrs. And, you went back to work after your babies were old enough/you had different help to make sure theyre safe. OP started this off not wanting to get a job, although the children are in school.

Pretty much, nobody is saying it's a cake walk.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Hey everyone

Well I couldn't sleep. My hsuband was downstair on the couch watching tv. I came downstair and just asked him straight up what the deal is. What's happening...at first he didn't want to talk, he was avoiding me and just looking at the tv. I turned the tv off and basically told him that we have to talk this out.

I asked him if he was cheating and he said no. I asked him what is the issue and he said basically in a nutshell he is depressed, he's not happy in this relationship. He's not happy with me. He wants out. He says he takes his time to come home after work because he doesn't want to be here. I nag. I'm not independent. I don't drive. I don't work. I rely on him for everything and he is tired of it. He said I need to start figuring things out for myself. He said he isn't seeing someone, but feel like he may want to. He said if we split up and he finds someone else he will make sure they can drive and get themselves around. It hurt to hear all these things. We weren't fighting - I was just listening and let him have his say. It really hurt to hear these things from him. But I know it's all true. I am not an attractive person (I'm not talking physical here). I am not a "catch" so to speak. he mentioned the fact that my neighbour friends asked me to watch their kids before and after school (my friend is in college now) becasue they KNOW I'm here and am not doing anything with myself. I asked him if I got my licence and a job would things be different and he said he didn't know. He mentioned that he's thought many times about leaving the house and just paying the mortgage and him renting a room somewhere. I'm feeling so devestated right now, but am realizing now more than ever how i have contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. I apologized to him and basically that was that. He has gone to bed and I can't sleep.

eta: he also said that I don't have the school option because he isn't going to pay for that. I have to figure that out on my own. He says I don't have 2 years to go to school. Not even 1 month, he says. I wonder if he's going to re-neg on the driving school too.

Here's the post where, I guess, people were saying that he no longer wanted in the marriage.

When I read this, I didn't think the relationship was over or doomed--like Likewtr4chklit (?) mentioned in her post--EVERY married couple will go through moments when they want out, it happens, sometimes over the most insignificant things.

I'm glad OP had this conversation with her DH, she knows where his head is, and if they continue to communicate, there is no doubt they can work through this--like I mentioned before, couples have worked through worse situations.

 

[MahoganyJazz]

I was speaking from experience towards someone's comment specifically. Can't quote from my phone right now for some reason.

 

[missann]

Here's the post where, I guess, people were saying that he no longer wanted in the marriage.

Right. What part of "He wants out" and "He doesn't want to be here" = "unsure"?

 

[Mortons]

Right. What part of "He wants out" and "He doesn't want to be here" = "unsure"?

the fact that he is still home says something. The fact that he wanted to take her out says something. The fact that a few sentences down he used "if we split up" says something. He isnt sure.

 

[MahoganyJazz]

Also I think they both need counseling. Individual, as well as family. He's overwhelmed and so is she, and if they work things out or divorce they'll still have to learn how to communicate, if at least for the sake of the kids.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

the fact that he is still home says something. The fact that he wanted to take her out says something. The fact that a few sentences down he used "if we split up" says something. He isnt sure.

Exactly

He's probably calmed down a bit, is a little regretful of how things have went down over the past couple of days and realized how much of a "butt" he's been to his wife--taking her out to the movies is a way to start making amends. That says a whole lot--he said some things out of anger, not good of course, but if he was totally done, taking her out would be the last thing on his mind.

 

[missann]

the fact that he is still home says something. The fact that he wanted to take her out says something. The fact that a few sentences down he used "if we split up" says something. He isnt sure.

That's fine reading nonverbal cues, but you acted like people were coming out of left field assuming he didn't want to be married to her anymore. That's all.

Seems like any uncertainty is behind him being on the hook financially either way the cookie crumbles. So he'll still be stressed. Maybe he couldn't afford another place like he wanted. Maybe someone told him it's cheaper to keep her. Who knows? There are lots of ways to read it, but don't claim that others are reaching when the OP has said as much.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Girl careful, somebody might call you "presumptuous" if you deviate from the consensus of the thread that he's cheating. *rolls eyes*

Good catch with that though.

Drug dealing does not make you shave your BALLS.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont think that this is ALL your fault b/c its NOT.

+1!!! It's not all your fault, hon. Don't believe the hype.

Thanks for the continued support. I'm researching lawyers and firms right now online. I will stat calling around tomorrow. I've gleaned a lot of info so far pertaining to Canadian Family Law and the Divorce Act, Separations and etc.

Please pray for me, if you can that I have the strength to do this. I need God to step in and do a serious miracle right now. My husband 's frame of mind is not towards my well-being. I just need the strength to not dwell so much on him, and focus on setting things up for myself and my four children. I'm most anxious about how they would react to a separation.

I'm glad you are beginning to understand the bolded. When he's generally on your side, then you should be doing counseling etc. But he is actively AGAINST you. Only a fool cooperates with someone who does not have her best interests at heart.

I really don't know what to think about the drug thing either anymore. He says he just spends time outside the home because he doesn't want to be in the home anymore. He just wants to get away and escape ME.

I am trying really hard to plan everything out step by step...I have 0 dollars right now so I don't know what I can do besides get a job.



Well, I have been "working" on my licence for years now. I keep writing the test for the permit and then it expires. He has an excuse for me not being able to take driving course all the time. He says you don't want to drive but, I do. I have issues with being confident behind the wheel and he tends to make me feel like a fool and nervous wreck when I'm driving with him. Lets just say teaching is not his forte, so I'd rather take a course with a real instructor.

As far as me being a financial drain on my husband, I understand where he's coming from on that but he gives very mixed messages on the over the years...at times he's glad that I'm here and will say how he's so glad he's not a woman. There've been times when I'm on a temp assignment he'll say how he misses having me here. But then when he's stressed, depressed and disatisfied he says I need to get a job.

After I finally do obtain a job and my licence I will still have the pain of all the mental abuse along the way. That stuff hurts and his words play over and over again in my head.



I'm going to get my licence but, I won't have a vehicle anyway for now...School is not in the cards anymore for right now...I have to get a job. I've been applying to some executive assistant jobs last night and this morning. I prayed to God that I would get a call...

I'm not counting on the marriage being repaired. He said he was unsure of whether he would want to be with me even if I became more independent. I feel so hurt by him...he said he wanted to find someone else and that his feelings for me have changed. I want someone who wants me back.

So you can see the mind games now, right? You've been working on your driving, but he mucks it up, and then blames you for it. You've been working, then he complains. You stop working, he complains. You cannot win with this man. He says you are no good for lack of schooling, but then goes back and forth about schooling. He is playing games with you here. Recognize that his going back and forth gives him a convenient excuse to belittle you no matter what you do.

Trust and believe he is cheating. Of course he's not going to admit it. After 15 years of marriage, he has this big of a problem with you. Doesn't make sense.

And the shaving the public hair was not for his mortorcycle riding. It's for the other woman. Men don't leave unless they have someone else lined up to take your place.

Yes, yes and yes. Why would he admit he is cheating? How would that benefit him? And ITA about the balls. ALL signs point to him cheating and men do NOT leave unless they have a replacement, period.

My thought too was that she should move back in with family, but then I wondered how that would affect her if they did end up getting a divorce, usually the advice is not to leave first, that's why I think she should get professional advice from a divorce lawyer.

OP, usually, the first session with an attorney is free, (at least here where I live). So it should be no cost to you to get advice, sometimes you don't even have to go in, they'll do a phone consultation. Be aware though, if the attorney you speak with asks your name and location, then says he can't speak with you, good chance your husband has already spoken with him.

Yes, and he probably knows this. The one who leaves takes a hit in the divorce.

From what I understand whether I leave first or not doesn't affect anything one way or the other, however, when I call the law firms tomorrow I will find out for sure.

This may be different in Canada than it is here. Here, the one who leaves (unless they can document abuse) takes a hit.

I have to say I wonder if he wants you out of the house for one reason or another, like getting the children or having a real estate agent come over to appraise the house.

Short of just wondering, ask him. "Why do you want to go out on a date seeing as last night you just told me you want out of our marriage?"

YES x 1,000! This man read you the riot act about how much he doesn't want you, to the point that he doesn't even want to come home after work. NOW he wants to go on a date, like it's all good? Beware. Beware, because odds are good that he wants you out for a specific reason... one that is not in your best interest.

Right. What part of "He wants out" and "He doesn't want to be here" = "unsure"?

Thank you! Some posters in here act like we are advising shiny to divorce her DH because he didn't fold the laundry correctly SMDH. He wants out, badly. He's not even trying to front like he wants to be in the marriage anymore. He still comes home, but he has checked out of the marriage and TOLD her he wants out. I don't understand where people see any ambiguity in this.

 

[lesedi]

You're in my thoughts. Remember that you cannot control his actions...you can only control your own.
Remember this...
"When a man stays when he wants to leave, he gets mean".

 

[Bmack]

Op, Perhaps you can look into school aid, they may be able to provide some financial help. I don't think your hubby would even have enough to pay your tuition anyway. I would do lots of research to see what resources are available.

In regards to your marriage, I am so happy you decided to go to the source. What you do now is your choice, but I truly hope its the best one for all involved.

I just want to add that your husband should pay to care of his children if you two part ways, but taking advice to bleed him dry may not be best. First, I am sure you will land on your feet and that will allow you to not take the bitter/angry road of making someone pay just for leaving/not wanting you.

In life the hardest most heart breaking events turn out to be blessings-trust! Be blessed.

 

[MahoganyJazz]

He may have wanted out. Yesterday. Today he could very well want to work things out. He has had a lot on him, just as she has. How he has acted isn't healthy for anyone in their family. That doesn't excuse him though. Don't continue the word games, tell him your feelings about what he's said and done, as well as what your plans are in case it doesn't work. And in return listen to him about his feelings. If things work or not, you still have to map out a plan with him to take care of the children. It may not be about you getting a job at all. That may be the angle he used to get your attention about some other under
lying issue. Whatever it is take the time to come up with a solution that you both can agree on.

 

[jada1111]

LHCF will have you divorced and single for the rest of your life.....

In MY defense, I feel that if a man is treating a woman like garbage then YES, she should LEAVE. Whether she divorces him or just gets her own place is NOT the issue, but he needs to know that she can't be walked over.

NOW WITH THAT SAID, as we all see the OP has added NEW info that wasn't revealed before with each subsequent post and has even said that many of the things her husband is upset over is valid.

No one ever gets the FULL STORY on a messageboard. All we hear is the initial reaction and feelings of what transpired and that's all. It's only after intense probing or valid advice by posters does the OP begin to tell more about what's been going on. And this isn't just with shineyblack, but EVERYONE.

We ALL do it and then the thread gradually changes to something else.

Regardless of whether she stays or goes, Shineyblack NEEDS TO GET HER FINANCIAL *ISH TOGETHER. Man, unless you live in New York City, how can you NOT have a driver's license???? NYC is the only place in the world where you can grow up and die without ever learning to drive because the public transportation system is beyond superior.

Handle your business and go hangout with your husband at the movies. Who knows? Maybe he's having second thoughts if he feels you're trying to change.

SMH while they log off and go cook their husbands dinner. C'mon son. It's so easy to tell someone to go get a divorce.
How much alimony and child support does one expect to get off of $26/hr? This needs to be well thought out and decisions need to be made with a clear head.

Folks be dreaming sometimes. You can't claim drug sales on the child support forms.

 

[jada1111]

Drug dealing does not make you shave your BALLS.

YOU STOOOPIIIIDDDD!!!!!

Thank you! Some posters in here act like we are advising shiny to divorce her DH because he didn't fold the laundry correctly SMDH. He wants out, badly. He's not even trying to front like he wants to be in the marriage anymore. He still comes home, but he has checked out of the marriage and TOLD her he wants out. I don't understand where people see any ambiguity in this.

Basically, this IS what dude said from OP's posts. He's depressed, no longer interested and doesn't want to come home.

We can only decipher what the OP is saying. Now dude wants to go to the movies and *ish. Like, seriously??? Okay, whatever, just as long as OP recognizes that she STILL needs to get her FINANCIAL HOUSE in order regardless of her flakey husband.