My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[qchelle]

I've been reading this thread from its inception. At first I didn't understand and thought the OP could've worked things out. Then I saw when she posted this:

I used to come back with insults but, now I just take it...I've heard all these things before...he NEVER apologizes. We just don't talk for a day or two, but then I will "be the bigger person" and let it go. We never talk it out, when I do, he says it's my fault. Due to my situation what can/could I do. The last really bad episode, he hit me on my arm (because I threw the cordless phone against our new bed) I was pissed at him b/c he wouldn't answer the cell phone and wouldn't just say where he was. He didn't want to be questioned like a "little boy". I had told my mom and my neighbour about it (and my MIL and SILs). My mom told me I could come to her place, but really? That's just kind of out of the question. Waay to shameful too.

And this: (everything in this post was horrible, but the bolded REALLY would get hot grits poured on him...)

1. I don't "work" (a paid job)

2. I'm not loving when the fact of the matter I'm "always" the initiator of intimacy (I have to wake him up to get some, lol)

3. I treat him like a boy - meaning I ask him where he's been and where he's going and why didn't you answer the cell phone when I call. Since I don't work I shouldn't ask him a damn thing.

4. I supposedly leave it all to him and don't worry about the bills. I'm just sitting here...

Extremely mean things he's done and said:

1. Told me that I'm worthless and have no ambition
2. Told me that I serve no purpose in this house and that I might as well leave.
3. Took my bank card out of my purse when he percieved that I was getting ready to go out one day.
4. Something else waaay to humiliating to repeat but I told his mom and she in turn told his aunt in JA who had to put in a call and ask him WTF is wrong with him.
5. He's sick of me, tired of me, I'm boring, can't stand me.
6. I'm like a child who has just left her mother's home.
7. Brings up that I can't fend for myself, don't have a job, can't drive
8. I'm beginning to sense that he find's me physically unattractive - he'll stare at my tummy and poke it. I'm 5'1 and 140 lbs. I know I need to lose weight.
9. He's said before that this is HIS house and I have put nothing in it.

man I could go on and on...

eta: he shaved off all his pubic hair including the ballz...said it's b/c its uncomfy when he ride the bike. Make of that what you will...

Umm yea, going to the movies is nice and all but.......

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Hey everyone..I had a good chuckle reading these last few posts, lol. My kids were all in the house just watching tv. My neighbours (Policeman) were home and know we went to the movies and knew the my eldest DD would be in charge. We went and saw Takers (man he shoulda chose a different movies cause I was in heaven watching that movies full of fine *** men, lol). When we got home we talked in the driveway which resulted in me having a near nervous breakdown to the point where he was hushing me I was bawling and just acting a fool in front of this man - even as I was doing it I was pissed at myself. I am literally weak from that episode. He said he is "torn" and that this relationship is "boring" I don't know WTF else to do. I am about ready to just give up. He asked me to go to the movies so he could get out of the house. Damn I don't what else to say, but right about now I'm LIVID and I'm about to move **** to the basement. F him.

If you and him are WILLLING to work this out you both have a long hard road ahead. This will not be a cake walk at all. Some hard truths will come out and feelings will get hurt. So he said he's bored....it happens. Marriage doesn't automatically = fun and adventure for eternity.
IF you still haven't gotten anywhere after you have sought the help you need then fine, you both should at least be able to come to a level headed agreement about going your seperate ways.

 

[spelmanlocks]

its a joke spelmanlocks.

Lol, oh ok, I was like dang I feel bad for your man.

 

[qchelle]

that IS funny (I see where you said it was a joke, fattyfatfat----OT: your SN makes me seem like I am calling you fat )

And I no you weren't talking to me, spelmanlocks but...

no, but I would assault someone if they assaulted me 1st

 

[HappilyLiberal]

Hey everyone..I had a good chuckle reading these last few posts, lol. My kids were all in the house just watching tv. My neighbours (Policeman) were home and know we went to the movies and knew the my eldest DD would be in charge. We went and saw Takers (man he shoulda chose a different movies cause I was in heaven watching that movies full of fine *** men, lol). When we got home we talked in the driveway which resulted in me having a near nervous breakdown to the point where he was hushing me I was bawling and just acting a fool in front of this man - even as I was doing it I was pissed at myself. I am literally weak from that episode. He said he is "torn" and that this relationship is "boring" I don't know WTF else to do. I am about ready to just give up. He asked me to go to the movies so he could get out of the house. Damn I don't what else to say, but right about now I'm LIVID and I'm about to move **** to the basement. F him.

OK... calm down.

He seems like he does not have one of those filters between his brain and his mouth that will allow stuff to come out in a more tactful way. I think you two, at this point, should look into getting some counseling. Since he doesn't have a brain to mouth filter, a counselor will help to mediate the hard feelings.

It does not sound to me as if he wants to get a divorce. It sounds to me as if he is frustrated because he is not able to get things that you would expect a couple to be able to get after 15 years of marriage. The motorcycle was a bratty stupid decision he made because he was likely thinking that most of his money goes to support folks who aren't working so "I'm going to do something that's just for me!" Understandable, yes... incredibly stupid, absolutely!

 

[shinyblackhair]

OK... calm down.

He seems like he does not have one of those filters between his brain and his mouth that will allow stuff to come out in a more tactful way. I think you two, at this point, should look into getting some counseling. Since he doesn't have a brain to mouth filter, a counselor will help to mediate the hard feelings.

It does not sound to me as if he wants to get a divorce. It sounds to me as if he is frustrated because he is not able to get things that you would expect a couple to be able to get after 15 years of marriage. The motorcycle was a bratty stupid decision he made because he was likely thinking that most of his money goes to support folks who aren't working so "I'm going to do something that's just for me!" Understandable, yes... incredibly stupid, absolutely!

He actually DID say this.

As for the brain to mouth filter - totally absent from this man. He is sound asleep right now and in dreamland...I was in the car crying and convulsing and he was worried about people hearing me. He always want to keep up appearances but then get inside the house and tear me down. He is trying to break me down. There comes a point where one has to stick up for themselves. He is making my pain his pleasure and that is not right. He is NOT the perfect husband either...he would do well to think about that too. Anyway, I have to get some sleep. I have enough grey hair at the tender age of 33 I don't need anymore for now, lol.

 

[ellebelle88]

He actually DID say this.

As for the brain to mouth filter - totally absent from this man. He is sound asleep right now and in dreamland...I was in the car crying and convulsing and he was worried about people hearing me. He always want to keep up appearances but then get inside the house and tear me down. He is trying to break me down. There comes a point where one has to stick up for themselves. He is making my pain his pleasure and that is not right. He is NOT the perfect husband either...he would do well to think about that too. Anyway, I have to get some sleep. I have enough grey hair at the tender age of 33 I don't need anymore for now, lol.

Leave him.

 

[MayaB12]

Instead giving LHCF a play-by-play replay of your marriage you should sitting somewhere and quietly contemplating what your move will be. If I stay, I will.... or if I go I will... What is the first thing you are going to do tomorrow (Monday, September 13, 2010) to change your predicament?

 

[JayAnn0513]

Honestly I would be packing my stuff....or his stuff. Some of the things he has done and said fall into my zero tolerance policy.

 

[BGT]

To the women in this thread who want her to stay, how much more abuse do you want her to take? erplexed He's thrown blows at her both mentally and physically to the point where she is blaming herself for his behavior. If this marriage is to be any way successful, there needs to be 100% commitment from both parties involved. But it doesn't seem like he is too invested in his marriage or his wife. OP, if it says he is committed to saving this marriage, and he SHOWS his commitment through his actions, that's one thing. But if he continues acting the way he is acting, it may be time to make some decisions for you and your children.

 

[NYAmicas]

shinyblackhair how come your husband has not tried to teach you how to drive? After 15 years I find it odd that he would complain about it if he hasnt done anything to teach you himself.

-signed an uncomf driver myself

 

[happyjourney]

OMG if I read one more post about how it's part of her fault because she didn't learn how to drive or she didn't get a job or go to school...

SHE TRIIIEEED!! SHE TRIED! Are we all reading the same posts? It's like people take bits and pieces of the story and run with it without reading everything...
She TRIED to learn how to drive and get her license and...he shot that down...
She DID work for a bit...but, he shot that down because his ego was tender(too embarrassed)...
She even tried to see about school but dude wasn't with it...
She did EVERY SINGLE THING this dude is complaining about, but SHE stopped because HE had a problem with it...There's nothing she could have done to prevent him from doing the things he's done... This dude is unsatisfied with what HE has accomplished in his life and he is projecting it on her. Dude could come home every night and find her swinging on a chandelier butt *** naked, and he would've been the same way...
Again OP, it's NOT your fault....
**Sometimes I wish I was a guy, I ain't know dudes had it THIS easy!

*OP I really do hope you get yourself together, not for that dude, but for you to know that all the things he said about you were lies, and you could do MUCH better!

 

[PhonyBaloney500]

I find it interesting that most don't see a problem with the fact that he hit her.

 

[lesedi]

Even if he is having mixed thoughts and wants to make it work......should she really stay??
He has abused her emotionally; he hit her; he degrades her......One trip to the movies could never erase all of that.
I'm not saying that you and your husband could never work out shinyblackhair, but the dynamic has to change. You shouldn't be with anyone who is not willing to fight for you. Get your own life established and then let him PROVE himself to you(if that's even what you want). Once you know your own worth, others will too.

 

[Bmack]

If you and him are WILLLING to work this out you both have a long hard road ahead. This will not be a cake walk at all. Some hard truths will come out and feelings will get hurt. So he said he's bored....it happens. Marriage doesn't automatically = fun and adventure for eternity.
IF you still haven't gotten anywhere after you have sought the help you need then fine, you both should at least be able to come to a level headed agreement about going your seperate ways.

Thank you!!!! I so agree. OP, do not feel ashamed of yourself for crying. You are not a damn robot. Plus, it is harmful to yourself to let feelings bottle up inside you. I say that it is good that he was honest instead of lying. Its up to you both (moreso you) to decide what you will do with that information.

Marriage is a hard walk, it can also be beautiful. However, you both need to arrive at a place that is healthy for both parties. I would try to keep a level head about everything though. You can't make someone who is unhappy stay and why would you want to anyway? It's better to lose a relationship than to be unhappy. I think that your assisting yourself to be in a position to be abused. He can't do anything you dont stick around to recieve.

I don't like telling folx to give up on a relationship, but the abuse.

Even if your children do not see/hear you getting abused, they can still tell in your behavior (his too) that you all are not happy. It will seep out no matter how much you try to hide it.

I also know one thing is true, a man hollering that he wants to leave, but stays around to cuff a woman down emotionally is a mess and is using the thought of losing him to manipulate her. I would (if I were in this situation) force his damn hand. I would say, you want to leave? So leave. Lets come up with a way that you can leave and everyone will be benefitted and then continue with all the things he does that makes me unhappy-because you see, he is delivering the worse kind of blows and those are emotional. They will always hurt longer and cut deeper than any physical blow. I would go about getting me together and tell him to go.

Forcing his hand might spark a damn change of heart. As of right now, he knows he holds all the power. You have to at least have power over yourself.

 

[Michelle1971]

I find it interesting that most don't see a problem with the fact that he hit her.

OMG THANK YOU! There aren't too many people in this thread that see a problem with it
For ME...that would be the dealbreaker, especially if I was putting up with his crap prior to that incident.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Wow. It amazes me to the bone to see women saying she should stick it out. He is abusive. He hits her, he undermines her every attempt to better herself (school, jobs) or be more independent (driving) and then blames her for not bettering herself or being independent. He refuses to even listen to her and expects to give edicts that she will automatically obey. He's cheating. He says he wants to leave her and their 4 kids.

And some of y'all are acting like advising shinyblackhair to leave this union is wrong, that she should try to work it out, that we are trying to rip apart her marriage?

Really, I wonder what goes on in some of your homes. Because if all that shiny has posted isn't enough to justify divorce, I honestly don't know what IS.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

To the women in this thread who want her to stay, how much more abuse do you want her to take? erplexed He's thrown blows at her both mentally and physically to the point where she is blaming herself for his behavior. If this marriage is to be any way successful, there needs to be 100% commitment from both parties involved. But it doesn't seem like he is too invested in his marriage or his wife. OP, if it says he is committed to saving this marriage, and he SHOWS his commitment through his actions, that's one thing. But if he continues acting the way he is acting, it may be time to make some decisions for you and your children.

Yeah I dont get this. I dont.

Im all for working on a marriage but there are some things that you just need to separate from. Abuse is numero uno on the list.

Personally, I dont work with abuse so I cant advise her to do that.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Shineyblack there's this movie that I highly, highly recommend you watch called "Fireproof", you can get it at your local movie rental spot or Netfilx. My girlfriend's church required that all soon to be married couples watch it during marriage counseling and I watched it with her..it was a great, truly inspiring movie. After watching it, I'm sure you'll have a better idea on what you want to do.

 

[smoothie696]

I dont know if I would call him abusive...sounds to me they are both abusive to each other...I understand I man should not hit a woman, but she did throw a cordless phone at him for not answering her. In return he hit her arm. Now hitting is not ok, however, if someone throw a phone at me...I would have did a little more than hit their arm. Besides this sounds like a one time incident. I also see people saying this is verbal abuse. Maybe I'm different, but to me everything he has said is true. I'm sorry but it is. Maybe tough love is what she needs. Maybe he tried the other way and it hasn't worked. Even in this thread I have seen little self-reflection.

Who wouldn't want to get their license and drive? I mean we can blame the husband all you want, but no one can stop you from doing what you want to do. If you really wanted to drive, you would have been handled your business. Same thing with school and everything else. It might not be an ideal situation, but it can/could be done. I can't imagine what he is going through. She doesn't even drive...I would have killed myself or been left her by now.

He wants a wife and a partner and not another child. Yes, he could have said things differently, but I also don't think this is the first time he brought it up and now he is feed up. Me personally, I would have been feed up. No way I could have done all that and not loose my mind. I'm just being honest. I think we need to stop bashing the husband and address the real problems in this relationship because even if she leaves him she is still going to have the same problems unless she addresses what's causing the problems.

P.S. I'm well aware, a lot of people are not going to agree or like what I have to say and that is fine.

 

[Michelle1971]

I dont know if I would call him abusive...sounds to me they are both abusive to each other...I understand I man should not hit a woman, but she did throw a cordless phone at him for not answering her. In return he hit her arm. Now hitting is not ok, however, if someone throw a phone at me...I would have did a little more than hit their arm. Besides this sounds like a one time incident. I also see people saying this is verbal abuse. Maybe I'm different, but to me everything he has said is true. I'm sorry but it is. Maybe tough love is what she needs. Maybe he tried the other way and it hasn't worked. Even in this thread I have seen little self-reflection.

Who wouldn't want to get their license and drive? I mean we can blame the husband all you want, but no one can stop you from doing what you want to do. If you really wanted to drive, you would have been handled your business. Same thing with school and everything else. It might not be an ideal situation, but it can/could be done. I can't imagine what he is going through. She doesn't even drive...I would have killed myself or been left her by now.

He wants a wife and a partner and not another child. Yes, he could have said things differently, but I also don't think this is the first time he brought it up and now he is feed up. Me personally, I would have been feed up. No way I could have done all that and not loose my mind. I'm just being honest. I think we need to stop bashing the husband and address the real problems in this relationship because even if she leaves him she is still going to have the same problems unless she addresses what's causing the problems.

P.S. I'm well aware, a lot of people are not going to agree or like what I have to say and that is fine.

So what do you call abuse? How much more should she take? She didn't say that she hit him with the phone, but he retaliated by hitting her. SMH. So in otherwords, because you feel that if someone throws someone at you, it is ok to do a little more than a hit on the arm...WOW!
The rest of your post is just that I can't even begin to comment on it.
Some people

 

[Bmack]

Wow. It amazes me to the bone to see women saying she should stick it out. He is abusive. He hits her, he undermines her every attempt to better herself (school, jobs) or be more independent (driving) and then blames her for not bettering herself or being independent. He refuses to even listen to her and expects to give edicts that she will automatically obey. He's cheating. He says he wants to leave her and their 4 kids.

And some of y'all are acting like advising shinyblackhair to leave this union is wrong, that she should try to work it out, that we are trying to rip apart her marriage?

Really, I wonder what goes on in some of your homes. Because if all that shiny has posted isn't enough to justify divorce, I honestly don't know what IS.

LP, I cannot speak for anyone else, but I do think she should leave, but I hesitate to scream this out because it is obvious that she would have left already if she wanted to. She has her parents to go to as she already said that her mother told her to come back home. This is more than a lot of women who go through abuse have.

If I were in this scenario, I would have left to go to my moms already especially if I felt like I was in danger…. This post was started over a job not abuse- that speaks volumes (to at least me). I do not care how embarrassed I felt because at the end of the day I would be on a **** mission to save and improve my life.

At the end of the day, she is still going to do what she wants to do. I don’t think she needs to scheme for his cash either, I think she needs to get herself situated where she can stand on her own with some dignity and have him support his children through child support or whatever they decide (that makes her comfortable).

Additionally, I honestly cannot see someone sabotaging you if you really want to make moves and do something with your life. I have seen women make moves with children and zero man around so that is why I am screaming for her to get her together.

I myself have been married seven years and I would never put up with this, but I am not her and I am not in her shoes. However, I have been in situations (rough childhood) where I had to fight for my life not as an adult, but as a damn child and I made it happen!!! I made sure as hell that nobody was going to get in my way on the road to a beautiful life and guess what- they didn’t and if they tried they got ran the uck over!

 

[smoothie696]

What is she taking????? Thats what Im not seeing...Yes, he using harass words....but he has valid points in everything he says. I don't agree with how she handles the situations either. Both of them are wrong. Both of them don't know how to talk to each other and they both seem to have anger problems. But that's not the issue. I have been coming to this forum for two years now and always enjoyed reading the great advice from these ladies and one thing I learned from this board is, if your man is trying to tell you something...than listen. She has not listened to her man. I can understand his frustrations. If she said she had gotten a job and tried to address his concerns, thats a different story, but she hasn't. I honestly think that whether or not she is with this man, unless she learns how to be independent and how to fend for herself she is always going to find herself in this problem. Thats real talk. I'm talking for me. I would not want a partner like her. No offense. But after while it would get old. I would feel the same way as him. IMO I think the advice should be focused on how to be a better person for you and your children. Not so much the victim role.

 

[Rastafarai]

I can't imagine what he is going through. She doesn't even drive...I would have killed myself or been left her by now.

Just WOW.

 

[SeatownSista]

What is she taking????? Thats what Im not seeing...Yes, he using harass words....but he has valid points in everything he says. I don't agree with how she handles the situations either. Both of them are wrong. Both of them don't know how to talk to each other and they both seem to have anger problems. But that's not the issue. I have been coming to this forum for two years now and always enjoyed reading the great advice from these ladies and one thing I learned from this board is, if your man is trying to tell you something...than listen. She has not listened to her man. I can understand his frustrations. If she said she had gotten a job and tried to address his concerns, thats a different story, but she hasn't. I honestly think that whether or not she is with this man, unless she learns how to be independent and how to fend for herself she is always going to find herself in this problem. Thats real talk. I'm talking for me. I would not want a partner like her. No offense. But after while it would get old. I would feel the same way as him. IMO I think the advice should be focused on how to be a better person for you and your children. Not so much the victim role.

Have you even read the entire thread? She HAS worked before. She HAS tried to learn to drive, but her husband wasn't even patient enough to teach her how to do it without demeaning her in the process.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

What is she taking????? Thats what Im not seeing...Yes, he using harass words....but he has valid points in everything he says. I don't agree with how she handles the situations either. Both of them are wrong. Both of them don't know how to talk to each other and they both seem to have anger problems. But that's not the issue. I have been coming to this forum for two years now and always enjoyed reading the great advice from these ladies and one thing I learned from this board is, if your man is trying to tell you something...than listen. She has not listened to her man. I can understand his frustrations. If she said she had gotten a job and tried to address his concerns, thats a different story, but she hasn't. I honestly think that whether or not she is with this man, unless she learns how to be independent and how to fend for herself she is always going to find herself in this problem. Thats real talk. I'm talking for me. I would not want a partner like her. No offense. But after while it would get old. I would feel the same way as him. IMO I think the advice should be focused on how to be a better person for you and your children. Not so much the victim role.

1. It is not okay to use "harass words" to get your point across. This man is her HUSBAND, the one who is supposed to love and value her over all others. Regardless of whether he has valid points or not, you do not talk to your spouse that way. Of course people get hot-headed at times, but at the very least he should be able to see that he was wrong and apologize for what he said. And even in the heat of the moment, some things are NEVER ok to say to your spouse.

2. You should listen to your man. This is true, however, if your man is abusive, manipulative, controlling, etc., nothing you do to appease him is going to make him happy. Instead of continuing to try to get it right, sometimes you just need to walk away. It is not worth it to try to keep a man at all costs.

3. There is nothing wrong with a woman staying at home to take care of her family. As was stated before, if the husband had problems with her lack of independence, he could have addressed that in a way that wouldn't have made her feel bad about herself. He could have taught her to drive, encouraged her to go back to school, encouraged her to start a business. Anything but what he's done.

I think it is so sad that some women think his behavior is acceptable and are unable to recognize signs and symptoms of abuse.

 

[smoothie696]

Yes, I have read every single thread and have been holding my tongue all weekend. But I think we are doing her a disservice if we not telling it from all angles. She has worked PT jobs here and there. I was saying try getting a FT job and becoming independent and if things still aren't working than cool...leave than. My father tired to teach me to drive and sucked at it. It was horrible, but that didn't stop be from getting my license or learning how to drive. I just didn't have him teach me. She even stated she took the written test and let them expire. My SO didn't have a car for 8 months. Worst 8 months of my life. Its not easy.

I think people are missing what I'm saying. If she really wanted her license nothing her husband could say or do would stop her. I think thats what he has been saying with the ambition. If you really want something, you will make it happen. You will find a way. Thats will power. But if you don't have the will power than you most likely wont. Thats hold true across the board. Its not just about the driving, she has put herself in a position where she has to relay on someone for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I feel like we not giving him any credit for doing so for the past 15 years. Not just with driving, but with holding down a household. Thats a long time. I'm not taking anything away from SAHMs, thats a lot of work. Like I said, IMO I think advice should be focused on how to help her learn to be independent with or without a husband. Heaven forbid something happened to her husband or her family, than what would she do?

 

[JayAnn0513]

Op whatever you do don't take any of the below advice. Get out, then work on you.

I dont know if I would call him abusive...sounds to me they are both abusive to each other...I understand I man should not hit a woman, but she did throw a cordless phone at him for not answering her. In return he hit her arm. Now hitting is not ok, however, if someone throw a phone at me...I would have did a little more than hit their arm. Besides this sounds like a one time incident. I also see people saying this is verbal abuse. Maybe I'm different, but to me everything he has said is true. I'm sorry but it is. Maybe tough love is what she needs. Maybe he tried the other way and it hasn't worked. Even in this thread I have seen little self-reflection.

Who wouldn't want to get their license and drive? I mean we can blame the husband all you want, but no one can stop you from doing what you want to do. If you really wanted to drive, you would have been handled your business. Same thing with school and everything else. It might not be an ideal situation, but it can/could be done. I can't imagine what he is going through. She doesn't even drive...I would have killed myself or been left her by now.

He wants a wife and a partner and not another child. Yes, he could have said things differently, but I also don't think this is the first time he brought it up and now he is feed up. Me personally, I would have been feed up. No way I could have done all that and not loose my mind. I'm just being honest. I think we need to stop bashing the husband and address the real problems in this relationship because even if she leaves him she is still going to have the same problems unless she addresses what's causing the problems.

P.S. I'm well aware, a lot of people are not going to agree or like what I have to say and that is fine.

 

[smoothie696]

Well I think we just going to have to agree to disagree. I hear what you saying...but I also think that some self-reflection on her part is needed. I don't know what goes on in her household...but from reading the posts I can only speculate that this isn't the first time he has brought this up and this wont be the last. So if she wants out than she should leave...but if she wants to make her marriage work she needs to listen to what her husband is saying and try it out.

 

[WhoIAm]

Have you even read the entire thread? She HAS worked before. She HAS tried to learn to drive, but her husband wasn't even patient enough to teach her how to do it without demeaning her in the process.

So if he wasn't patient enough to teach her, she should have found someone else. She's looking into driving schools now.