My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[shinyblackhair]

What is she taking????? Thats what Im not seeing...Yes, he using harass words....but he has valid points in everything he says. I don't agree with how she handles the situations either. Both of them are wrong. Both of them don't know how to talk to each other and they both seem to have anger problems. But that's not the issue. I have been coming to this forum for two years now and always enjoyed reading the great advice from these ladies and one thing I learned from this board is, if your man is trying to tell you something...than listen. She has not listened to her man. I can understand his frustrations. If she said she had gotten a job and tried to address his concerns, thats a different story, but she hasn't. I honestly think that whether or not she is with this man, unless she learns how to be independent and how to fend for herself she is always going to find herself in this problem. Thats real talk. I'm talking for me. I would not want a partner like her. No offense. But after while it would get old. I would feel the same way as him. IMO I think the advice should be focused on how to be a better person for you and your children. Not so much the victim role.

DH, is that you???






LOL...I'm kidding but, seriously I hear you...I AM working on myself and becoming independent. I should've never trusted him with my very LIFE from day one. But, yeah, I hear you. I'm working on it.

 

[Dak]

I think a lot of the conflict on this thread is because the story is so convoluted, red flags seem carelessly dropped at random. What if this thread had been titled,

"DH entertains Drug Dealing Friend in Front of our Children" dh stayed here with the kids...his drug dealer friend was here for a bit but he actually left before I left for the club.or

"DH Hit Me on the Arm" because I threw the cordless phone against our new bed, I was pissed at him b/c he wouldn't answer the cell phone and wouldn't just say where he was. He didn't want to be questioned like a "little boy". or

DH Keeps Hiding Cell Phone, keeps it in his pocket at all times and even goes to the bathroom with it.

DH Lashes Insult after Insult at Me
1. Told me that I'm worthless and have no ambition
2. Told me that I serve no purpose in this house and that I might as well leave.
3. Took my bank card out of my purse when he percieved that I was getting ready to go out one day.
4. Something else waaay to humiliating to repeat but I told his mom and she in turn told his aunt in JA who had to put in a call and ask him WTF is wrong with him.
5. He's sick of me, tired of me, I'm boring, can't stand me.
6. I'm like a child who has just left her mother's home.
7. Brings up that I can't fend for myself, don't have a job, can't drive
8. I'm beginning to sense that he find's me physically unattractive - he'll stare at my tummy and poke it. I'm 5'1 and 140 lbs. I know I need to lose weight.
9. He's said before that this is HIS house and I have put nothing in it.

Of course, in ANY relationship, each party should take personal responsibility for being in their situation. For not putting something in check sooner, for ignoring warning signs early in the relationship, the list can go on and on.

I think the advice to get into counseling is good, along with Shiny learning what kind of legal position she'll be in if counseling doesn't work.

 

[WhoIAm]

I have a question ya'll. If he is physically abusing, her wouldn't he have been doing it a lot earlier than just last week. If he is abusive he would have been doing it from jump. Abusers don't have that kind of self-control to hold off for 14 to 15 years to start hitting a woman. Unless, she is not telling us that he has been hitting her all along.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Just WOW.

and add a big ole WTF?????? to that too.

 

[WhoIAm]

LOL...I'm kidding but, seriously I hear you...I AM working on myself and becoming independent. I should've never trusted him with my very LIFE from day one. But, yeah, I hear you. I'm working on it.

Don't dwell on the what ifs anymore. You need to start making things happen for you instead of letting things happen to you.

 

[Michelle1971]

I have a question ya'll. If he is physically abusing, her wouldn't he have been doing it a lot earlier than just last week. If he is abusive he would have been doing it from jump. Abusers don't have that kind of self-control to hold off for 14 to 15 years to start hitting a woman. Unless, she is not telling us that he has been hitting her all along.

Seriously? Does it matter? A hit is a hit. That along with the verbal abuse is over the top.

 

[smoothie696]

DH, is that you???






LOL...I'm kidding but, seriously I hear you...I AM working on myself and becoming independent. I should've never trusted him with my very LIFE from day one. But, yeah, I hear you. I'm working on it.

But seriously, there is a ton of help out there if you need it. I know tons of programs and scholarships if you are truly interested in going to school. PM your info and I would be glad to email you some stuff.

 

[WhoIAm]

Seriously? Does it matter? A hit is a hit. That along with the verbal abuse is over the top.

I agree, but I'm saying that if someone threw a phone at my hot-head self, I may have thrown something back. Doesn't make it right. The situation she spoke of sounds like that. They were arguing, she threw something at him and his **shole self retaliated by spanking her arm like a child. Again, I'm not condoning abuse.

 

[lilliz6]

If he plans to leave, and it sounds like he IS cheating already, you need to document *everything*. Dollars to donuts the jumpoff works with him. Get the phone while he's asleep and write down all the call log info. The fact that he cheated will be very relevant in the divorce proceedings. Find out who she is because he will start transferring money and other assets to her ( or to relatives) before he files.

I am SO SORRY this has happened but you need to protect yourself and your kids.

eta: and don't dream of working one single day before the proceedings, it will cost you WAY MORE than you could earn.

OP, I know it hurts, but I would definitely do the above. It seems like to me he got what he needed out of the relationship (getting married not to be deported). Now that he is "bored" and doesn't need you, he wants to leave. He sounds selfish and like he doesn't have any respect for what you do. I won't blame you for secretly taking classes to prepare yourself (career-wise) for when he does decide to leave. But, if you do as she stated above you won't have to worry to much.

 

[Shinka]

I agree, but I'm saying that if someone threw a phone at my hot-head self, I may have thrown something back. Doesn't make it right. The situation she spoke of sounds like that. They were arguing, she threw something at him and his **shole self retaliated by spanking her arm like a child. Again, I'm not condoning abuse.

She said she threw something at the wall not at him.

even if she threw it at him, he shouldn't have hit her for real. vice versa.

This sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship. some men will physically lash out after many years. It sounds like his abuse is escalating. Her reaction in this example could be her reaching her max with the abuse.

I'm not trying to play victimology. Shiny...for your safety, his, and your children get counseling, consult with a lawyer or women rights organization than can give you some idea of what your marital rights are, and plan to be independent.

Even if he never laid a hand on you, it doesn't sound like a good healthy situation.

 

[lilliz6]

I just think that with four kids and how long some divorces take telling her to just sit around and wait to get left is not wise. Especially when it seems like he is ver secretive about the families financial standing.

This is true too. I agree. This is a hard situation.

 

[MissYocairis]

I think a lot of the conflict on this thread is because the story is so convoluted, red flags seem carelessly dropped at random. What if this thread had been titled,

"DH entertains Drug Dealing Friend in Front of our Children" dh stayed here with the kids...his drug dealer friend was here for a bit but he actually left before I left for the club.or

"DH Hit Me on the Arm" because I threw the cordless phone against our new bed, I was pissed at him b/c he wouldn't answer the cell phone and wouldn't just say where he was. He didn't want to be questioned like a "little boy". or

DH Keeps Hiding Cell Phone, keeps it in his pocket at all times and even goes to the bathroom with it.

DH Lashes Insult after Insult at Me
1. Told me that I'm worthless and have no ambition
2. Told me that I serve no purpose in this house and that I might as well leave.
3. Took my bank card out of my purse when he percieved that I was getting ready to go out one day.
4. Something else waaay to humiliating to repeat but I told his mom and she in turn told his aunt in JA who had to put in a call and ask him WTF is wrong with him.
5. He's sick of me, tired of me, I'm boring, can't stand me.
6. I'm like a child who has just left her mother's home.
7. Brings up that I can't fend for myself, don't have a job, can't drive
8. I'm beginning to sense that he find's me physically unattractive - he'll stare at my tummy and poke it. I'm 5'1 and 140 lbs. I know I need to lose weight.
9. He's said before that this is HIS house and I have put nothing in it.

Of course, in ANY relationship, each party should take personal responsibility for being in their situation. For not putting something in check sooner, for ignoring warning signs early in the relationship, the list can go on and on.

I think the advice to get into counseling is good, along with Shiny learning what kind of legal position she'll be in if counseling doesn't work.

I cannot believe you forgot "DH shaves his balls"...says it's because it makes it easier to ride his new motorcycle...



ShinyBlack, I'm sorry girl, it isn't a laughing matter at all...but when you typed that in your thread....I 'bout fell out.
look:...the word "balls" always makes me )

 

[SeatownSista]

So if he wasn't patient enough to teach her, she should have found someone else. She's looking into driving schools now.

I'm sure if it were that easy for her to just find someone else to teach her, the woman would be driving already.

I dunno, if having my spouse learn how to drive was a necessity for me, I would have the patience to teach them, or enroll them in driving school. From what I can tell, he's even being wishy washy about the whole driving school thing. At this point, it doesn't seem like he'll be satisfied with anything she does, even if she gets a full time job and learns to drive.

 

[msbettyboop]

Hello OP,

I've been following this thread actively for the past 3 days and wasn't going to say anything initially then I changed my mind. I just want to share a story with you. I was in a relationship a long time ago and we were engaged. I was working and was independent but he was very mentally abusive. He would go on all day and all night about what was wrong with the relationship and how it was all my fault and if I could just change myself, the relationship would be perfect. If I did this like this and did that like that, we would have a perfect relationship. I was the reason for everything wrong with us. He hit me too, only once. I looked him straight in the eye and told him I would kill him if he ever laid a finger on me again and I meant it. He never touched me again. It was terrible but because I believed him, I didn't try to get out and instead kept trying to mould myself for him. By the time that relationship mercifully ended, I was convinced something was very wrong with me. It took me 2 years to unwork all the nonsense he worked into my head and open myself up for a relationship with a normal person. All the time he was mentally abusing me, he was just projecting all his frustrations and everything wrong with him on to me and I never saw it. Man, I would have given anything for all this advice back then.

OP, you are a beautiful strong woman who gave birth to 4 beautiful children (I'd like to see a guy push one out of his area someday). Don't believe all the terrible things your husband is saying to you. Yes, he's stressed out financially and folding under the burden, we get that but a man who loves a woman sits her down and says, "Hun, things are getting a little tight. Would you consider going back to work." He does not mentally and mercilessly abuse his wife to get his point across. It is NOT okay to mentally abuse anyone. It is particularly terrible to abuse a person who is vulnerable with you and if you can't be vulnerable with your own spouse, then God help us all. If I were you, I would have left him by now. I don't care how stressed out you are, you have no right to grind my soul into the ground to let me know this. However, you are the one living your situation and can make the decision to go or stay but what are the guarantees that even after you change all this, he will still be there for you. I repeat nobody has the right to mentally abuse anybody else and any man who lays a finger on a woman, his wife, the mother of his children, should be given the beat down of his life but that's just me.

I hope you take the best decision for you and your children. Do what makes you happy because life is just too damn short.

PS. I don't really have any comments as per the shaved balls. I'm still stumped by that!erplexed

 

[awhyley]

I have a question ya'll. If he is physically abusing, her wouldn't he have been doing it a lot earlier than just last week. If he is abusive he would have been doing it from jump. Abusers don't have that kind of self-control to hold off for 14 to 15 years to start hitting a woman. Unless, she is not telling us that he has been hitting her all along.

He only needs a trigger. The verbal abuse was fine until she really pissed him off, and elevated him to the next level. It will be easier for him to hit her next time, because he has already crossed the line. Of course, he'll tell her that it's her fault that she caused it, cause that's what he's been telling her all along.

 

[MzLady78]

Some of y'all are on some STRAIGHT UP BULL**** right now. REAL TALK.

The lack of empathy some women can have for other women is absolutely disgusting.

 

[lesedi]

Some of y'all are on some STRAIGHT UP BULL**** right now. REAL TALK.

The lack of empathy some women can have for other women is absolutely disgusting.

Truer words have never been spoken. Sisterhood huh? erplexed

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Truer words have never been spoken. Sisterhood huh? erplexed

Sisterhood is dead. Its been dead so long its past decayed until its dry bones.

 

[MzLady78]

Truer words have never been spoken. Sisterhood huh? erplexed

And I shouldn't even be surprised, the "blame the victim" mentality runs rampant around these parts.

I don't give a damn if she didn't do anything but sit around eating friggin bon-bons all day. He has NO right to verbally/physically abuse her and treat her like crap.

You're that fed up, but you can't sit down and TALK about it with your wife of 15 years like decent human being? You gotta resort to this ish? Really?

 

[Minty]

uhhh I think I need to go back about 10 pages.

 

[smoothie696]

And I shouldn't even be surprised, the "blame the victim" mentality runs rampant around these parts.

I don't give a damn if she didn't do anything but sit around eating friggin bon-bons all day. He has NO right to verbally/physically abuse her and treat her like crap.

You're that fed up, but you can't sit down and TALK about it with your wife of 15 years like decent human being? You gotta resort to this ish? Really?

Where are you getting this all from? Granted he is not great with words...but really? I have even seen people go as far as saying he might be an abusive father.... really????

The reason I have something to say is because I feel like this is becoming dangerous. You have a woman express to us the problems between her husband and him wanting her to work to now he is all of this and that. The reason its dangerous is because OP wasn't even thinking all of this. We all have planted our own ideas and thoughts into this situation and we could all be wrong. Only she knows what she should do and only she knows whats best. All we can do is tell her how to be the BEST HER. The rest is not really important. But I think if we keep putting out negative energy and comments towards her husband we are going to infuriate her and the next thing you know she is making decisions of of anger and not logic. I have seen it happen a couple times so far in this thread.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Where are you getting this all from? Granted he is not great with words...but really? I have even seen people go as far as saying he might be an abusive father.... really????

The reason I have something to say is because I feel like this is becoming dangerous. You have a woman express to us the problems between her husband and him wanting her to work to now he is all of this and that. The reason its dangerous is because OP wasn't even thinking all of this. We all have planted our own ideas and thoughts into this situation and we could all be wrong. Only she knows what she should do and only she knows whats best. All we can do is tell her how to be the BEST HER. The rest is not really important. But I think if we keep putting out negative energy and comments towards her husband we are going to infuriate her and the next thing you know she is making decisions of of anger and not logic. I have seen it happen a couple times so far in this thread.

We didnt come to the conclusions drawn out of a vacuum. The OP made posts that were demonstrative of abuse at the hands of her husband. Im not 100% positive, but Im sure it takes YEARS to undo verbal abuse directed towards you and it takes others to point things out to us that we cant see, ESPECIALLY if you are a victim of abuse.

 

[smoothie696]

OP let me ask you a real question....Do you feel like you are physically or emotionally abused????

 

[MzLady78]

Where are you getting this all from? Granted he is not great with words...but really? I have even seen people go as far as saying he might be an abusive father.... really????

The reason I have something to say is because I feel like this is becoming dangerous. You have a woman express to us the problems between her husband and him wanting her to work to now he is all of this and that. The reason its dangerous is because OP wasn't even thinking all of this. We all have planted our own ideas and thoughts into this situation and we could all be wrong. Only she knows what she should do and only she knows whats best. All we can do is tell her how to be the BEST HER. The rest is not really important. But I think if we keep putting out negative energy and comments towards her husband we are going to infuriate her and the next thing you know she is making decisions of of anger and not logic. I have seen it happen a couple times so far in this thread.

OMG, are we even participating in the same thread? Seriously?

She said herself that he hit her. That is physical abuse. She gave a laundry list of things that he said to her, solely for the purpose of making her feel as worthless as possible. That is verbal abuse. No one is making this stuff up or trying to paint her husband as the bad guy just for the hell of it.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Id like to pose this question: Is there EVER a reason to leave your husband???? From some of these posts Im gathering there isnt.

 

[Thiends]

OP let me ask you a real question....Do you feel like you are physically or emotionally abused????

No offense, but this is a stupid question. You need to read up on an abused person's mentality, because hardly anyone feels abused when they are in the thick of it. Denial is essential not only to keep loving the abuser, but also for the abused to retain her sanity. Only years after they are safe, do the proportions of what they have been through sink in with most abused people. This is the case not only for those in abusive relationships, but also for those in high stress situations for long periods of time. The mind copes by distancing itself, and those who cannot rationalize become self-destructive very quickly.

 

[MissJ]

I cannot believe you forgot "DH shaves his balls"...says it's because it makes it easier to ride his new motorcycle...



ShinyBlack, I'm sorry girl, it isn't a laughing matter at all...but when you typed that in your thread....I 'bout fell out.
look:...the word "balls" always makes me )

Well, that part wasn't funny to me, but it was a dead giveaway. Sounds all too familiar to me.

 

[smoothie696]

No offense, but this is a stupid question. You need to read up on an abused person's mentality, because hardly anyone feels abused when they are in the thick of it. Denial is essential not only to keep loving the abuser, but also for the abused to retain her sanity. Only years after they are safe, do the proportions of what they have been through sink in with most abused people. This is the case not only for those in abusive relationships, but also for those in high stress situations for long periods of time. The mind copes by distancing itself, and those who cannot rationalize become self-destructive very quickly.

What I'm saying is...you see her attitude and views change throughout this thread. IMO I don't honestly think she felt this way until she heard other people on the forum speak like this. Look over her posts. I mean we don't have to agree and I don't expect us to. But we are all speaking for her so I would like to know what she thinks about her own situation.

 

[Shinka]

Well since she is NOT being abused ( or that detail is irrelevant).

Go ahead honey. Get a JOB & share the load, put your kids in afterschool and make your man happy. A happy man equals a happy marriage

circa 1950.

 

[smoothie696]

OMG, are we even participating in the same thread? Seriously?

She said herself that he hit her. That is physical abuse. She gave a laundry list of things that he said to her, solely for the purpose of making her feel as worthless as possible. That is verbal abuse. No one is making this stuff up or trying to paint her husband as the bad guy just for the hell of it.

I hear what you saying...I just don't agree. I just think its wrong to call him abusive off of the little information we know (we don't have to agree on this). Yes, he hit her arm and she throw a phone. Like I said they both wrong. Honestly, none of us knows why he said that to her. Nor do we know what she says to him. We are all speculating. But regardless, I understand his concerns...But we have all gotten to be a little dramatic in this thread. All I'm saying is be cautious.