My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[RossBoss]

THIS!!!

That's not thinking logically.
Does getting him deported:
1) get her a job that she needs?
2) give her money to go to school and pay the mortgage?

She gets him deported and then is left with no financial support at all not only for herself but for her kids.


OP, deporting your hubby should be the LAST thing on your mind. FOCUS, FOCUS FOCUS, on getting yourself a job. Please!!

lol..yeah I know, I was speaking in anger and thinking about the Terry McMillan situation. I had not read the whole thread when I wrote that. I just can't believe that after she helps him achieve one of the biggest goals of his life, he turns around and does this to her. I mean, what would his life be like if he were still in JA and not where he is today? That, in addtion to raising his kids, means she has done A LOT for him. The lifestyle that he has today is BECAUSE OF HER and he should NEVER FORGET THAT and she should not LET HIM FORGET THAT either.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Seriously OP, if you've been married to this dude for over a decade and you can't sit and talk your husband about this.....him wanting you to get a job is the VERY LEAST of your issues.

You can sit up there and listen to these women tell YOU what YOUR husband is doing if you want to but when all is said and done nobody on LHCF lives in your home with you. GET OFF THE FORUM AND TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

GET OFF THE FORUM AND TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND.

Excellent advice I agree 1000%

 

[MzLady78]

Seriously OP, if you've been married to this dude for over a decade and you can't sit and talk your husband about this.....him wanting you to get a job is the VERY LEAST of your issues.

You can sit up there and listen to these women tell YOU what YOUR husband is doing if you want to but when all is said and done nobody on LHCF lives in your home with you. GET OFF THE FORUM AND TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND.

But she did. He told her he wants out.

 

[Dak]

But I understand with 4 kids and no money, it is hard to get up and leave, but I would be at my momma's house now, especially since she extended the invitation. Momma or Grandma can watch the kids while I get myself together.

Good Luck on whatever you decide to do OP.

My thought too was that she should move back in with family, but then I wondered how that would affect her if they did end up getting a divorce, usually the advice is not to leave first, that's why I think she should get professional advice from a divorce lawyer.

OP, usually, the first session with an attorney is free, (at least here where I live). So it should be no cost to you to get advice, sometimes you don't even have to go in, they'll do a phone consultation. Be aware though, if the attorney you speak with asks your name and location, then says he can't speak with you, good chance your husband has already spoken with him.

 

[ellebelle88]

Hi shinyblackhair, I have some questions...

1. So he says he wants out, did he give a time-frame of how much longer he's willing to stay or when he plans to leave? Could it be today or tomorrow?

2. Have you expressed to him that you want the marriage to work? Not simply that you are willing to get a job but that you still love him and want to work things out?

3. What kind of father is he to your kids? Great, good, bad, average, better than average? I know that he is not a great husband but that is definitely because he is frustrated and I don't want to taint my views of him based on this fact alone. I am really interested in hearing about how he treats his kids.

I honestly don't know whether you should try to work it out or accept this as a loss but maybe the answers to these questions would help me out a little.

 

[MissJ]

I know that when my mom was a stay at home mom, she did not know how to drive either. She was pregnant for the 3rd time when my dad bought her a car for Christmas and taught her how to drive it, no prompting from her whatsoever. When he had to move for Atlanta for job training, leaving 3 small girls and the wife at home, he took my mom to the backyard and taught her how to shoot a gun, using Coke bottles as target practice. Wherever he thought my mom needed to be, he got her there on his own, without employing driving instructors or shooting ranges, and he was happy to do it! My mom is also the mother of 4. If your husband had any problem with the things you cannot do, he would have taught you how to do them himself. Right now, he is just making up BS excuses, and you are falling for them!

I don't know of any person who ever took a formal driving class. This man is complaining about you not being able to drive, but never attempted to teach you. For 15 years he did not teach you how to drive. That tells me that he didn't want you to learn how to drive, because he never had a problem with you not driving before. It's only a problem NOW, because you are cramping his style with other women.

 

[MzLady78]

I know that when my mom was a stay at home mom, she did not knwo how to drive either. She was pregnant for the 3rd time when my dad bought her a car for Christmas and taught her how to drive it, no prompting from her whatsoever. When he had to move for Atlanta for job training, leaving 3 small girls and the wife at home, he took my mom to the backyard and taught her how to shoot a gun, using Coke bottles as target practice. Wherever he thought my mom needed to be, he got her there on his own, without employing driving instructors or shooting ranges, and he was happy to do it! My mom is also the mother of 4. If your husband had any problem with the things you cannot do, he would have taught you how to do them himself. Right now, he is just making up BS excuses, and you are falling for them!

I don't know of any person who ever took a formal driving class. This man is complaining about you not being able to drive, but never attempted to teach you. For 15 years he did not teach you how to drive. That tells me that he didn't want you to learn how to drive, because he never had a problem with you not driving before. It's only a problem NOW, because you are cramping his style with other women.

Exactly. That's why I'm inclined to believe that while this may be an issue, it's not the main issue. I really think he doesn't want to be married anymore, period.

Oh, and I took driving lessons. It was very helpful.

 

[RossBoss]

I know that when my mom was a stay at home mom, she did not know how to drive either. She was pregnant for the 3rd time when my dad bought her a car for Christmas and taught her how to drive it, no prompting from her whatsoever. When he had to move for Atlanta for job training, leaving 3 small girls and the wife at home, he took my mom to the backyard and taught her how to shoot a gun, using Coke bottles as target practice. Wherever he thought my mom needed to be, he got her there on his own, without employing driving instructors or shooting ranges, and he was happy to do it! My mom is also the mother of 4. If your husband had any problem with the things you cannot do, he would have taught you how to do them himself. Right now, he is just making up BS excuses, and you are falling for them!

I don't know of any person who ever took a formal driving class. This man is complaining about you not being able to drive, but never attempted to teach you. For 15 years he did not teach you how to drive. That tells me that he didn't want you to learn how to drive, because he never had a problem with you not driving before. It's only a problem NOW, because you are cramping his style with other women.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I just LOVE how he is trying to make it seem like she is the problem. She went out and married this guy, against the wishes of her OWN PARENTS no less, so that he can stay in Canada and have a better life and this is how he repays her.

 

[FlowerHair]

Thanks for the continued support. I'm researching lawyers and firms right now online. I will stat calling around tomorrow. I've gleaned a lot of info so far pertaining to Canadian Family Law and the Divorce Act, Separations and etc.

Please pray for me, if you can that I have the strength to do this. I need God to step in and do a serious miracle right now. My husband 's frame of mind is not towards my well-being. I just need the strength to not dwell so much on him, and focus on setting things up for myself and my four children. I'm most anxious about how they would react to a separation.

Consider it done!

 

[WhoIAm]

The one thing that I can add from a friends divorce is to make sure your kids are covered for everything possible. My friend is around 70 now and was divorced many years ago. She had been married to a very wealthy man and he cheated (yes, with a White woman). She protected herself & kids for every possibility. Her youngest daughter decided recently that she wanted to go to grad school but she could not afford it. Well, mommy told her just give your dad a call. Turns out that not only did she get alimony, child support, medical & dental for the kids (braces too since dad had jacked up teeth), she also got an award for dad to pay for grad school if the kids decided to attend at any age!!

I agree. OP, also see if you can get the lawyers to require him to maintain a life insurance policy or submit to the screening exams so you can maintain (and pay) a policy on him with you and your kids being the beneficiaries. While married, the spouse is the automatic beneficiary, once divorced that changes. If something were to happen to him CS and alimony and college tuition is kaput.

 

[WhoIAm]

Thanks for the continued support. I'm researching lawyers and firms right now online. I will stat calling around tomorrow. I've gleaned a lot of info so far pertaining to Canadian Family Law and the Divorce Act, Separations and etc.

Please pray for me, if you can that I have the strength to do this. I need God to step in and do a serious miracle right now. My husband 's frame of mind is not towards my well-being. I just need the strength to not dwell so much on him, and focus on setting things up for myself and my four children. I'm most anxious about how they would react to a separation.

My heart hurts for you. He's already told you he's thought about leaving. He may leave tomorrow, next week, next year or never, but you need to not be blindsided with whatever happens. Right now you need to be a pit bull. You need to be proactive and have a contingency plan. You need eyes at the back of you head. You need to be selfish for yourself and your kids. You have kids, the time to feel sorry for yourself is never, you are their advocate. You need to get so mad that it motivates you.

I know its hard, but your light is shining at the end of the tunnel. God bless you.

 

[shinyblackhair]

Hi Shinyblackhair,

I just want to let you know that your story inspired me. As a young women who has spent so much of my life trying to be successful (going to great schools and achieving my dreams of being a lawyer), I will say that your story highlights a different kind of success but success nonetheless. From reading your posts it seems as though you had a goal and that goal was the well-being of your family. To that end, you sacrificed your own dreams of going to school to raise your children in the best environment you knew how, all the while, trying to please a difficult and selfish husband by working when he thought the family needed you to work and staying at home when he complained too much.

You were able to do all of this while still doing all that you could to be REALLY present in your children's lives. You should not be ashamed of that. I have worked with incredibly successful women who have sacrificed the well-being of their children in the attainment of their dreams. Some of these kids have gone on to abuse drugs, serve time in prison or both. Do not let ANYONE convince you that what you did, dedicating your time to raise your children without the help of strangers, makes you a loser without ambition. You just happened to have a different ambition than those folks. That is okay.

I think you have been given some extremely good advice by certain members of this board. Please try and follow it. I just wanted to try to add or synthesize, in a coherent post, what has already been suggested.

1. Begin your search for a lawyer ASAP. Don't worry about a retainer because you will only have to pay that once you have decided which lawyer to select. When the time comes to pay that retainer, borrow money if you must. Start your search for an attorney by asking anyone you know who has been through a divorce for recommendations. Also get recommendations from attorneys, if you know any. Make sure you go to each lawyer with a list of questions and keep track of their answers. By doing this, it will make it easier for you to compare the lawyers. Here are some links to get you started thinking about this process (http://www.dealwithdivorce.com/steps-planning/questions-to-ask-divorce-lawyer/12/), (http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/hiringtherightattorney/tp/rightattorney.htm), (http://www.divorcenet.com/states/california/top_10_questions_to_ask_a_prospective_divorce_attorney). I cannot overstate the importance of having an excellent and assertive attorney.

2. Learn how to drive a car. Learning how to drive a car with a professional driving school would be ideal, but you should also consider asking friends and family members who are patient and have cars to teach you. Doing so could mean getting your license much sooner than you anticipated and will cost you little to no money.

3. Get a job. I completely agree with another poster, if you are babysitting, pet sitting or doing anything of that nature, you should start charging folks. Also, try to find a job with pretty consistent hours (like admin work) so you can keep your kids on a pretty stable schedule. This will also be helpful to you when you start school, as you can set your school schedule around your work schedule. I don't know about Canada, but in the US there are several companies that will pay the college tuition of their employees. Try to see if there are any Canadian companies that do that, and try to get a job with them.

4. Go back to school. OP you may not feel that way right now given all you have been through and still must go through in the coming months, but you are still young with plenty of work years ahead of you. I agree with the poster who said that you should think big when it comes to going to school. Don't pick the easiest program or the most flexible. Pick a program based on your interests and that program's earning potential. In the short term, it may be very difficult but the future payoff will make it more than worth it. That future payoff could be in the form of your children having a mother who they look up to, you having much more self-esteem by accomplishing another difficult goal you set for yourself, commanding a much larger salary, proving your ex wrong or all of the above. I am a product of divorced parents (I was very young when it happened) but the fact that my mom was able to raise a lot of kids on her own (more than you have now) made me believe that I could do ANYTHING that I set my mind to. I am pretty confident your kids would feel the same way about you.

5. Get some counseling. It seems that you are in an abusive relationship and as a result your self-esteem has suffered. At some point you should see a specialist to address some of these issues so that (1) you will not end up in another abusive relationship, (2) you can help your children if they have suffered any trauma and (3) you can work on the self-esteem issues that have resulted.

Did you make mistakes in your marriage? Of course, everyone makes mistakes PERIOD. This is not the time to reflect on those mistakes as you have a lot to accomplish on a very short timeline (once you are in a more stable situation, you can but that won't be anytime in the near future). You did not deserve your husband's treatment and you are so much more powerful and wonderful than you can ever imagine. Focus on yourself and correcting your path. Keep yourself in prayer and ask the Lord for help. I will be keeping you in prayer.

Thank you. With tears in my eyes thank you. I'm printing this post out. The really helps because my mind is in a jumble.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Thank you. With tears in my eyes thank you. I'm printing this post out. The really helps because my mind is in a jumble.

Perhaps you need to take a little break from this thread to get your thoughts together. You've been given so much advice/information and you have a lot to process. I know you're overwhelmed, and I know you don't want to make any rash decisions. What you do from this point on has to be very calculated and very well thought out.

You have to take care of yourself for your children.

And if your DH is open up to any more conversation regarding how you two are going to work things out, then I'd really work on communicating, just the two of you, each day, to work through this situation.

 

[shinyblackhair]

My thought too was that she should move back in with family, but then I wondered how that would affect her if they did end up getting a divorce, usually the advice is not to leave first, that's why I think she should get professional advice from a divorce lawyer.

OP, usually, the first session with an attorney is free, (at least here where I live). So it should be no cost to you to get advice, sometimes you don't even have to go in, they'll do a phone consultation. Be aware though, if the attorney you speak with asks your name and location, then says he can't speak with you, good chance your husband has already spoken with him.

From what I understand whether I leave first or not doesn't affect anything one way or the other, however, when I call the law firms tomorrow I will find out for sure.

 

[shinyblackhair]

Hi shinyblackhair, I have some questions...

1. So he says he wants out, did he give a time-frame of how much longer he's willing to stay or when he plans to leave? Could it be today or tomorrow? no he hasn't given me a time frame.

2. Have you expressed to him that you want the marriage to work? Not simply that you are willing to get a job but that you still love him and want to work things out? He knows that I want the marriage to work. I haven't said that I still love him. I am afraid to put myself out there like that now after him being so blunt about how disgusted he is with me.

3. What kind of father is he to your kids? Great, good, bad, average, better than average? I know that he is not a great husband but that is definitely because he is frustrated and I don't want to taint my views of him based on this fact alone. I am really interested in hearing about how he treats his kids. He is a good father. He said last night that perhaps the reason why we've been together was to simply to have them. He loves them and is very proud of them.

I honestly don't know whether you should try to work it out or accept this as a loss but maybe the answers to these questions would help me out a little.

my answers are in red above.

 

[happyjourney]

Do you still think this way even after the TALK?

Regardless of what is going on with him, your life is going to change. You need to be more independent in a very short period of time and you are going to need help. Your DH is pulling away rapidly and you can not depend on him for every little thing like you use to.

If I was you this is what I do:
1.If you have not done so already, apologized to your parents about going against their wishes.
2.Get in good with your peoples and ask for a loan to go to driving school so you can be more independent.
3. If they say yes, good and make sure you pay it back promptly. If they say no, KIM.
4. start charging people to look after their kids. Pet sit. Baby sit. Clean other people's houses. Find a job you do online and save up your money for driver's school.
5.Ask your husband if you can run a small day care center at of your home. Of course you need to learn the laws. If your husband says no, KIM
6.Read about money...Kilpringer, Dave Ramsey, and Suze Orman.
7.Build up your skills.
8. Save yet contribute to the household.
9. Once you get your license, save up for a cheap reliable car. It may be junky but if it takes you point A to point B it is all good.
9. Get a job with benefits preferably one that will pay for you to go to school.

Now once you get to this point, do not stop. Look into school. You would have changed by then your outlook, your self esteem, and even your marriage.

Things can and do change. Your DH may fall in love with the new independent you and may want to work things out.

I wish you good luck.

@the bolded: At that point, I wouldn't even take him back...I'm trying to figure out the reason why people are encouraging her to make a marriage work with an abusive/cheating husband (Men don't go through all this trouble for us).

OP I hope you don't internalize your husbands words. if he had a problem with you not being independent, he's had 15 years to let you know. it seems like he is just using this as he has done throughout your marriage, as a way to hurt your feelings and make you feel worthless. when you worked he complained, and he found excuses to keep you from taking the driving course. I think he likes having you dependent on him so that he can continue to use that fact to wear away at your self-confidence. Don't let him keep doing this to you.

Yes! OP please take this advice, even if you have to read it over and over...I will be praying for you, you did NOT deserve this!

 

[Ltown]

OP, I'm sorry this is happening but hey you are getting sound advice from around the world. I would also want to agree with another poster and suggest you don't write in email, or text what you are doing/planning because it can be used against you. If you have any LHCF friends that know you well be cautious on what you say. Be strong, safe you'll be fine.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I have nothing else to say regarding the OP's situation BUT this is why I have been apart of the forum for the past 7 years Everyone has gave excellent advice, and I know if I was the OP Id be lost right now. Its amazing to see the OP go from a sense of loss and desperation to the complete opposite and taking the initiative to help her situation despite the pain she's in Its only been a few days and look how much you've progressed. You and your children will be a-okay OP im sure of it

 

[shinyblackhair]

Can you believe he just called me from work asking me if I want to go to the movies tonight? WTH? Is he messing with me? Does he not remember everything he said to me just today at 1:30 in the morning? I was so dumbfounded I didn't saying anything for about 10 seconds...he tells me to check the movie times and let him know. I just kind of gave a half hearted okay and that was the end of that. Why would he want to go to the movies with me when he doesn't even want to be MARRIED to me? I almost busted out bawling on the phone but held it together. Prior to him calling me to ask to go to the movies, the cell phone called the house and I answed but he didn't say anything I could just hear him and his coworkers and all the noises of the work environment (he works outdoors on a railway). I said hello, hello, for like a minute and then just hung up. I called him right back to tell him that the cell phone called me. Not even 5 minutes after that he calls to ask if we want to go to the movies...I don't know what to think.

 

[almondruby]

hello shiny, i never post on the forums, but i have been following your situation since the beginning and i have read all the posts.

i am in a very very similiar situation to you - including the marriage of convenience (i didn't realise why he was so keen to get married at the time....), the seeming infidelities, meanness with money, hanging out with dodgy characters, unrealistic dreams (wannabe donald trump) and fantasies of becoming a millionaire, even right down to the weird staring thing.

when i found out my husband had been sleeping around with other women and giving them money while we were trying for a baby and after i miscarried, i lost it and started a physical fight in front of my 4 year old child that ended with me slashing my arm in a glass door. i am the most passive non-aggressive person you could imagine and my daughter was absolutely terrified. he too had been verbally abusive, dismissive towards me over the years amongst many many other things, but this was the last straw for me as i realised i had hit rock bottom.

i accepted that he had never loved me, probably despised me for reasons i will never understand and that i had never had a marriage, and would never have a loving marriage. this was about 2 years ago and i posted here for advice around that time.

the ladies here were wonderful and gave me a lot of the same advice you've been given here. i got my plan together, adopted from within my family so that my daughter would have a sibling and started looking to get out. we never had a conversation about anything, because i had tried over the years, writing letters, getting a family member to act as an intermediary, openly offered him the chance to say he did not want to be married but had achieved nothing.

so i moved into the spare bedroom, expecting that at some point he would leave me (i decided i wasn't going anywhere). he hasn't left, though he still might later. i work part time and i do find it a struggle to cover all the bills and things for the kids, but he pays the mortgage and i don't ask him for money unless i'm really desperate.

my husband may resent me, but he adores the children, even the adopted one. i had a hellish childhood - i don't know my father, my mother was verbally and physically abusive towards me, though not my sibling. and she was a true "imma do me" type - moving her abusive boyfriends into the house with us children, leaving us with her boyfriends to go on holiday etc etc.

i am very determined to do the best for my kids and fear my husband would abandon them if i insisted we separate. also, i would never bring another man around my kids and knowing what my husband is like, would not tolerate him bringing any of his girlfriends around them. i stay to protect their interests. he may leave, but home is peaceful for the kids for now, something i never experienced, there's no arguing or shouting. we're both civil and polite to each other and he is very involved in the kids daily routine, schooling, teaching them to ride bikes etc. i stay focused on the kids, running the house and my job. i'm no martyr, but i am willing to sacrifice these years so that they can have a better start than i did.

i was abused by 2 of my mother's boyfriends, and now have had almost 9 years of misery with this man - though i desperately long for a loving relationship with a man, i accept that it will not happen for me. my children did not ask to be born and adopted and unless home life were to become unbearable, i don't want any disruption for them at this time. besides, he may leave me at any time anyway.....

previous posters have advised you that you need to become emotionally and financially independent of your husband and this is what i have had to do also. i don't feel sorry for myself, i should have seen all the red flags at the beginning etc. also, i have much to be thankful for in life and i try to focus on what i do have. but i am very low a lot of the time, i'm looking into getting counselling - eat too much etc. some mistakes in life are more difficult to reticify than others.

1) like many other posters i think your husband is cheating. the "you don't work thing" is a bit of a smokescreen - raising 4 children is no joke and i'm not sure why some posters are trying to imply that it is. i've always worked and i know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman staying home to raise her children. i thought the youngest had only just started kindergarten..... please please please get yourself tested. i have had several HIV tests myself and i'm still going for another one just to be sure. the numbers of black women being infected with HIV by their men is frightening. and please don't sleep with him anymore. he's basically said he doesn't want you anyway.........

2) i understand not wanting to move to your mother's - i think you mentioned shame or so. also, it would really upset the kids and you don't want them upset at school etc. i think you should concentrate on trying to find a job.i don't think you and your 4 children need to leave the home. your husband has mentioned getting a room and paying the mortgage - he may not mean it, i suppose.....

i'll stop there as i didn't want the post to be so long. you seem to be reading all the responses, so i just wanted to wish you the very best and to give you a difference perspective on your situation. also, please keep up updated on how things go so we don't worry what has happened.

take care of yourself and your children, i'll keep you in prayers

 

[shinyblackhair]

Perhaps you need to take a little break from this thread to get your thoughts together. You've been given so much advice/information and you have a lot to process. I know you're overwhelmed, and I know you don't want to make any rash decisions. What you do from this point on has to be very calculated and very well thought out.

You have to take care of yourself for your children.

And if your DH is open up to any more conversation regarding how you two are going to work things out, then I'd really work on communicating, just the two of you, each day, to work through this situation.

Yes. Okay. I'm going to take this advice. I've been so incapacitated over the last two days. I'm obssessed. I log on and off the computer, making sure I clear cookies (especially since I've been looking at divorce sites and law offices online). It's wearing me down. I'm sooo tired from two late nights in a row and just mentally drained. I'm trying to respond to all the good advice I'm getting because trust me I'm really grateful. I need all the advice I can get...I am just so drained. I am trying to restrain myself and not come back to the thread until tonight, LOL. I've been on LHCF since 2003 - I am addicted! LOL.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Can you believe he just called me from work asking me if I want to go to the movies tonight? WTH? Is he messing with me? Does he not remember everything he said to me just today at 1:30 in the morning? I was so dumbfounded I didn't saying anything for about 10 seconds...he tells me to check the movie times and let him know. I just kind of gave a half hearted okay and that was the end of that. Why would he want to go to the movies with me when he doesn't even want to be MARRIED to me? I almost busted out bawling on the phone but held it together. Prior to him calling me to ask to go to the movies, the cell phone called the house and I answed but he didn't say anything I could just hear him and his coworkers and all the noises of the work environment (he works outdoors on a railway). I said hello, hello, for like a minute and then just hung up. I called him right back to tell him that the cell phone called me. Not even 5 minutes after that he calls to ask if we want to go to the movies...I don't know what to think.

If you are already researching divorce lawyers I have to assume you have been looking into divorce for some time. I will give you more credit than to believe you would suddenly decide to get a divorce based on responses on an online forum. Have you sought out counseling at all??

 

[NessaNessa]

Can you believe he just called me from work asking me if I want to go to the movies tonight? WTH? Is he messing with me? Does he not remember everything he said to me just today at 1:30 in the morning? I was so dumbfounded I didn't saying anything for about 10 seconds...he tells me to check the movie times and let him know. I just kind of gave a half hearted okay and that was the end of that. Why would he want to go to the movies with me when he doesn't even want to be MARRIED to me? I almost busted out bawling on the phone but held it together. Prior to him calling me to ask to go to the movies, the cell phone called the house and I answed but he didn't say anything I could just hear him and his coworkers and all the noises of the work environment (he works outdoors on a railway). I said hello, hello, for like a minute and then just hung up. I called him right back to tell him that the cell phone called me. Not even 5 minutes after that he calls to ask if we want to go to the movies...I don't know what to think.

Sound like he's trying to see where your mind is after last nights conversation.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

But she did. He told her he wants out.

I can count on so many fingers and toes the amount of times I've said I want out because it was the easiest thing to do. its easy to cut and run, the hard part is sitting down and working out your problems. Plenty of marriages ALMOST ended until folks got a grip, cut out all the middle men and focused on their marriage.

 

[Dak]

I have to say I wonder if he wants you out of the house for one reason or another, like getting the children or having a real estate agent come over to appraise the house.

Short of just wondering, ask him. "Why do you want to go out on a date seeing as last night you just told me you want out of our marriage?"

 

[MzLady78]

I can count on so many fingers and toes the amount of times I've said I want out because it was the easiest thing to do. its easy to cut and run, the hard part is sitting down and working out your problems. Plenty of marriages ALMOST ended until folks got a grip, cut out all the middle men and focused on their marriage.

I'm sure that at some point, one or both parties in most marriages has probably gotten frustrated and said that they want out. But the OP's husband isn't just saying it, he's exhibiting the behavior of someone who really does not want to be married anymore. Not to mention the verbal/physical abuse towards the OP. How much more is she really supposed to take?

I'm never one to jump on the "just get a divorce" bandwagon, especially when there are children involved. If by some chance they are able to work it out, that's great. But *I* really do think the writing is on the wall.

ETA: Or at least I thought it was until she just said he wants to go to the movies. Now I'm confused.

 

[HappilyLiberal]

Can you believe he just called me from work asking me if I want to go to the movies tonight? WTH? Is he messing with me? Does he not remember everything he said to me just today at 1:30 in the morning? I was so dumbfounded I didn't saying anything for about 10 seconds...he tells me to check the movie times and let him know. I just kind of gave a half hearted okay and that was the end of that. Why would he want to go to the movies with me when he doesn't even want to be MARRIED to me? I almost busted out bawling on the phone but held it together. Prior to him calling me to ask to go to the movies, the cell phone called the house and I answed but he didn't say anything I could just hear him and his coworkers and all the noises of the work environment (he works outdoors on a railway). I said hello, hello, for like a minute and then just hung up. I called him right back to tell him that the cell phone called me. Not even 5 minutes after that he calls to ask if we want to go to the movies...I don't know what to think.

Maybe you should keep talking it out. Don't put any of your plans on the back burner... but you might still be able to save your marriage only this time it will be a different sort of marriage. You cannot go back to the way things were. Perhaps you sitting down and listening to what he wanted opened his eyes a little. Work on your marriage, but work on you too.

 

[zenith]

OP go for the movie with your husband. Don't sit around ant home mopping and scratching your head about y'all said to each other last night.

Get off the internet. Shower, dress, spritz on some perfume and GO with your husband!!!

 

[Skyfall]

I think you should tell him what's on your mind, not your plans per se, but just the gist of it. You guys need to get on the same page together, so whatever you both decide the children will fare as best as they can.