My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[MzLady78]

I hear what you saying...I just don't agree. I just think its wrong to call him abusive off of the little information we know (we don't have to agree on this). Yes, he hit her arm and she throw a phone. Like I said they both wrong. Honestly, none of us knows why he said that to her. Nor do we know what she says to him. We are all speculating. But regardless, I understand his concerns...But we have all gotten to be a little dramatic in this thread. All I'm saying is be cautious.

Your mentality is EXACTLY why so many women don't come forward.

I'm done.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

What I'm saying is...you see her attitude and views change throughout this thread. IMO I don't honestly think she felt this way until she heard other people on the forum speak like this. Look over her posts. I mean we don't have to agree and I don't expect us to. But we are all speaking for her so I would like to know what she thinks about her own situation.

And thats a good thing. No, a GREAT thing.

 

[Keen]

What I'm saying is...you see her attitude and views change throughout this thread. IMO I don't honestly think she felt this way until she heard other people on the forum speak like this. Look over her posts. I mean we don't have to agree and I don't expect us to. But we are all speaking for her so I would like to know what she thinks about her own situation.

What is wrong with that? She came here to get feedback. We all see things diferently. If she felt like she knew everything that was going on or she knew how to handle the situation, she wouldn't be posting here. She has stated how she feels in many post. As time goes by, new information come to light, she process it and may have a new reaction because of what she knows at one point of time.

 

[MissYocairis]

Well, that part wasn't funny to me, but it was a dead giveaway. Sounds all too familiar to me.

I'm sorry OP. The situation is not funny at all. But the word "balls"...well...just my silly little thing I have.

 

[MissYocairis]

Hello OP,

I've been following this thread actively for the past 3 days and wasn't going to say anything initially then I changed my mind. I just want to share a story with you. I was in a relationship a long time ago and we were engaged. I was working and was independent but he was very mentally abusive. He would go on all day and all night about what was wrong with the relationship and how it was all my fault and if I could just change myself, the relationship would be perfect. If I did this like this and did that like that, we would have a perfect relationship. I was the reason for everything wrong with us. He hit me too, only once. I looked him straight in the eye and told him I would kill him if he ever laid a finger on me again and I meant it. He never touched me again. It was terrible but because I believed him, I didn't try to get out and instead kept trying to mould myself for him. By the time that relationship mercifully ended, I was convinced something was very wrong with me. It took me 2 years to unwork all the nonsense he worked into my head and open myself up for a relationship with a normal person. All the time he was mentally abusing me, he was just projecting all his frustrations and everything wrong with him on to me and I never saw it. Man, I would have given anything for all this advice back then.

OP, you are a beautiful strong woman who gave birth to 4 beautiful children (I'd like to see a guy push one out of his area someday). Don't believe all the terrible things your husband is saying to you. Yes, he's stressed out financially and folding under the burden, we get that but a man who loves a woman sits her down and says, "Hun, things are getting a little tight. Would you consider going back to work." He does not mentally and mercilessly abuse his wife to get his point across. It is NOT okay to mentally abuse anyone. It is particularly terrible to abuse a person who is vulnerable with you and if you can't be vulnerable with your own spouse, then God help us all. If I were you, I would have left him by now. I don't care how stressed out you are, you have no right to grind my soul into the ground to let me know this. However, you are the one living your situation and can make the decision to go or stay but what are the guarantees that even after you change all this, he will still be there for you. I repeat nobody has the right to mentally abuse anybody else and any man who lays a finger on a woman, his wife, the mother of his children, should be given the beat down of his life but that's just me.

I hope you take the best decision for you and your children. Do what makes you happy because life is just too damn short.

PS. I don't really have any comments as per the shaved balls. I'm still stumped by that!erplexed

DOUBLE thanks to you for this post!

 

[LunadeMiel]

I cringe to think about the men that some of you grew up around

 

[SqrpioQutie]

The reason I have something to say is because I feel like this is becoming dangerous. You have a woman express to us the problems between her husband and him wanting her to work to now he is all of this and that. The reason its dangerous is because OP wasn't even thinking all of this. We all have planted our own ideas and thoughts into this situation and we could all be wrong. Only she knows what she should do and only she knows whats best. All we can do is tell her how to be the BEST HER. The rest is not really important. But I think if we keep putting out negative energy and comments towards her husband we are going to infuriate her and the next thing you know she is making decisions of of anger and not logic. I have seen it happen a couple times so far in this thread.

This right here - THANK YOU!!!!.... all of the rest of the drama is not necessary... she will make her decisions when she gets fed up enough to make them.... and i can't believe she's fed up enough if her instinct is to post on here for pages rather than talk to officials in her area who have MORE KNOWLEDGE of what she can do to make her situation better...

 

[qchelle]

Oh lawd...I come back in here and folks are saying that striking their spouse isn't abuse?

In what world do you live in?

So she throws a phone against the bed+ he hits her arm=no abuse? Huh??

At what point does it become abuse then (I know my answer, I'd just like to hear from you)?

'Oh, he just pushed me against the wall' or 'oh, he just kicked me in my leg...didn't hurt...so whatevs' or 'oh, he just hit me on my arm...but we was arguing...so it's aight '

I mean...does he have to smack you in your face/slam you down/beat you up for it to be abuse??

Jesus......

 

[zenith]

^^^ They are both wrong in abusing each other. She was wrong for tossing the phone at him and he is wrong for the retaliation. They both lack respect for each other.


Please don't go tossing phones, shoes, rolling pins at people and not expect to get retaliated upon be it at a parent, sibling or spouse. Just because a man is not suppose to hit, does not mean you can go around pushing his buttons and his sanity to the edge of breaking.

Some women just don't know when to shut up (not saying that OP is one) but we all have known or heard of women who just won't let an argument die. Dude is walking away, she is still following howling and screaming like a banshee.

two wrongs don't make a right but don't go starting fires, then turn around and scream "burn victim!"

 

[WAVES4DAYS]

uhhh I think I need to go back about 10 pages.

uhhh...what the heck happened in here?

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Sweet weeping jesus on the cross

 

[Moopeh]

I hear what you saying...I just don't agree. I just think its wrong to call him abusive off of the little information we know (we don't have to agree on this). Yes, he hit her arm and she throw a phone. Like I said they both wrong. Honestly, none of us knows why he said that to her. Nor do we know what she says to him. We are all speculating. But regardless, I understand his concerns...But we have all gotten to be a little dramatic in this thread. All I'm saying is be cautious.

People are responsible for their own actions. She is not responsible for his dispicable behavior. You have an unhealthy view of how to judge people's behavior.

FIRST OF ALL, anything she does does not justify whatever he does. Which is the messed up point your making.

SECOND OF ALL, a man hitting someone because she threw a phone on the bed? Does he have no self control? He is LOOKING FOR EXCUSES to be horrible and you are giving them to her.

OP don't listen to this woman! She doesn't think men are human enough to have to take responsibilities for their actions! You have lived through so much. You are not responsible for the abuse you've lived through.

 

[Bmack]

Everyone is up in arms, but did OP leave yet? I mean because the situation is dangerous right???? Her mother said she could come back home- Please tell me I missed the post where she said she packed her kids and left.

I am dead serious because at the end of the day it does not matter how much we all cry and go at each other about sisterhood, being victimized, abuse, disrespect etc. If she is still there then...

 

[Moopeh]

^^^ They are both wrong in abusing each other. She was wrong for tossing the phone at him and he is wrong for the retaliation. They both lack respect for each other.


Please don't go tossing phones, shoes, rolling pins at people and not expect to get retaliated upon be it at a parent, sibling or spouse. Just because a man is not suppose to hit, does not mean you can go around pushing his buttons and his sanity to the edge of breaking.

Some women just don't know when to shut up (not saying that OP is one) but we all have known or heard of women who just won't let an argument die. Dude is walking away, she is still following howling and screaming like a banshee.

two wrongs don't make a right but don't go starting fires, then turn around and scream "burn victim!"

You need a new reality check and fast, because yours just bounced.

 

[MissYocairis]

Some women just don't know when to shut up (not saying that OP is one) but we all have known or heard of women who just won't let an argument die. Dude is walking away, she is still following howling and screaming like a banshee.

two wrongs don't make a right but don't go starting fires, then turn around and scream "burn victim!"

That has no place in this thread. Please.

 

[jada1111]

Everyone is up in arms, but did OP leave yet? I mean because the situation is dangerous right???? Her mother said she could come back home- Please tell me I missed the post where she said she packed her kids and left.

I am dead serious because at the end of the day it does not matter how much we all cry and go at each other about sisterhood, being victimized, abuse, disrespect etc. If she is still there then...

She ain't go nowhere.

 

[Moopeh]

What is she taking????? Thats what Im not seeing...Yes, he using harass words....but he has valid points in everything he says. I don't agree with how she handles the situations either. Both of them are wrong. Both of them don't know how to talk to each other and they both seem to have anger problems. But that's not the issue. I have been coming to this forum for two years now and always enjoyed reading the great advice from these ladies and one thing I learned from this board is, if your man is trying to tell you something...than listen. She has not listened to her man. I can understand his frustrations. If she said she had gotten a job and tried to address his concerns, thats a different story, but she hasn't. I honestly think that whether or not she is with this man, unless she learns how to be independent and how to fend for herself she is always going to find herself in this problem. Thats real talk. I'm talking for me. I would not want a partner like her. No offense. But after while it would get old. I would feel the same way as him. IMO I think the advice should be focused on how to be a better person for you and your children. Not so much the victim role.

Have you read through all these posts? Have you?? Did you just read the first post?? Have you no empathy at all? Do you have separate standards for men and women?

People like you make me sick. You and your hurtful words, your judgmental brazen attitude, your double standards for OP and her husband MAKE ME SICK.

 

[shinyblackhair]

Oy...I don't even know what to say right now regarding how this thread is turning out. Anyhow...I'm think I may just blog about what's going on how thing are going in the marriage. I'm thinking of asking him to go to marriage counselling. If he says no, than I will get into counselling on my own, all the while working on getting myself together on the road to being an independent (hopefully still married) woman.

My mom came by and we had a nice visit. We chatted about dh and my situation etc. Anyhow her key piece of advice to me is to start an account and start saving money as in money that he doesn't know about or have access to. My mother is actually Pastor and she says believe it or not, as a woman you need to have your own "stash" so to speak. She gave me $60 for my "independent woman" fund, LOL.


So...my husband is here...didn't go for a bike ride today, came home right after work (well after stopping for milk and boot-leg movies, lol) and is now sleeping on the couch...I'm just leaving him be. He is being decent - even try to make physical contact but, I'm not being very receptive at the moment.

Thanks again for all the great advice and even the critisisms (the constructive ones). I value this board and everyone's support.

 

[HappilyLiberal]

I just think that with four kids and how long some divorces take telling her to just sit around and wait to get left is not wise. Especially when it seems like he is ver secretive about the families financial standing.

I don't think anyone is telling her to sit and do nothing. But, she does not appear to be in immediate danger and so the best course of action is not to leave her home and begin the process to make herself employable and start looking for jobs. That way, if he leaves, she won't be a square one in the process. She has four kids and 14-15 years invested with this man. If they can reach a solution to their marital problems, that is the best course of action (and remember women ALWAYS fare worse financially in a divorce than men). If not, they do need to reach a solution so they can co-parent.

 

[SVT]

Oy...I don't even know what to say right now regarding how this thread is turning out. Anyhow...I'm think I may just blog about what's going on how thing are going in the marriage.

I closed it. PM me if you'd like it reopened.