My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[shinyblackhair]

so sorry OP. I hope you learn a valuable lesson from all this. Get your own hun. Get you license and a job and a kickass lawyer to milk your husband for everything he has. Dont even ask him about school anymore. Do what you gotta do to succeed WITHOUT depending on him. Because he gon pay in the end regardless!

Yes, you're right..I've got to salvage my dignity here somehow.

 

[coconow2007]

Hey everyone

Well I couldn't sleep. My hsuband was downstair on the couch watching tv. I came downstair and just asked him straight up what the deal is. What's happening...at first he didn't want to talk, he was avoiding me and just looking at the tv. I turned the tv off and basically told him that we have to talk this out.

I asked him if he was cheating and he said no. I asked him what is the issue and he said basically in a nutshell he is depressed, he's not happy in this relationship. He's not happy with me. He wants out. He says he takes his time to come home after work because he doesn't want to be here. I nag. I'm not independent. I don't drive. I don't work. I rely on him for everything and he is tired of it. He said I need to start figuring things out for myself. He said he isn't seeing someone, but feel like he may want to. He said if we split up and he finds someone else he will make sure they can drive and get themselves around. It hurt to hear all these things. We weren't fighting - I was just listening and let him have his say. It really hurt to hear these things from him. But I know it's all true. I am not an attractive person (I'm not talking physical here). I am not a "catch" so to speak. he mentioned the fact that my neighbour friends asked me to watch their kids before and after school (my friend is in college now) becasue they KNOW I'm here and am not doing anything with myself. I asked him if I got my licence and a job would things be different and he said he didn't know. He mentioned that he's thought many times about leaving the house and just paying the mortgage and him renting a room somewhere. I'm feeling so devestated right now, but am realizing now more than ever how i have contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. I apologized to him and basically that was that. He has gone to bed and I can't sleep.

eta: he also said that I don't have the school option because he isn't going to pay for that. I have to figure that out on my own. He says I don't have 2 years to go to school. Not even 1 month, he says. I wonder if he's going to re-neg on the driving school too.

If we take what your DH says at face value - I can understand his concerns. It is admirable that you stayed at home with your kids and gave them a good foundation. But they are all in school now and its time for you to get out of the house. Start with a part time job take a class or two in subjects that you like. Look for a classes that you can take while your kids are at school and maybe that offers on campus employment. You won't make a ton of money but it will be a start that you can build from - I would not worry about what your DH will do or not do. If he leaves he leaves and if he stays he stays - you just concentrate on you. I find that when I do things that make me feel good about myself others around me see it without me having to say or do a thing.

 

[NOEChic]

I have to ask this for all those who said she should talk it out.

Should she still talk it out?

yes............

 

[MissYocairis]

Charlotte York - I have read your TESTIMONY and I just want to tell you THANK YOU, as You have been such an inspiration to so many women on this board, who are probably going through the same situation that you have been through.

I wish OP the best as I am confident that she & her children will be Ok. She just need guidance and a lot of support and its hard when you do not have anyone else to turn to or where to begin.

Sent from Droid X.

You know I read that in Madea's voice, right? Thanks ThatJersey

 

[MissYocairis]

Hey everyone

Well I couldn't sleep. ....

So much is put on the woman. But HE will be the beneficiary of three beautiful, well-adjusted, productive children who are his legacy and his pride and joy....nevermind what it took to get them to that point. But there is no allowance for that...the woman is expected to walk the tightrope between ultimate sacrifice for her children and family and doing something for herself and being more selfish.

I won't say a woman should not respect herself enough to develop herself but I will say that the role of Stay at Home Mom is exceedingly demanding not easier than working outside the home.

OP, your husband is nasty and mean. But, at least you got the truth out of him of how he was feeling. Now you need to weigh that and decide if you agree or not. You don't have to agree just cause he said it. Or perhaps, you agree with some and take issue with other things he said. So...at the end of the day, he's informed you that he wants to walk.

So now:

1) you've learned he will leave and get a place without a fight and is already contemplating it.

2) you've learned he will continue to pay the mortgage....this leaves utilities, food, etc.

3) you've learned you need to have your driver's course at the very TOP of your list of things to do and this includes finding the money for it (borrow if you have to) because in a minute, he may walk out for good and you need to be mobile for you and the kids.

4) you've learned you will not be relying on him for your career/schooling training. Knowing this, now you can begin to research govt school loans and grants subsidized and unsubsidized. I know you said you had a loan from before but apply anyway, you may still be eligible.

5) you've learned that, if he leaves, you need to file for child support IMMEDIATELY. You're eligible for more than the mortgage. You'll be given more than that...be sure to gather his work address, number, supervisor's name, payroll dept number, and his new address. Keep a file with his social security number, passport info, insurance info, any info on loans and all of the utility info....

6) as for you "getting a life"...I think some things like a part time job or volunteering will be great ways to get back out there, meet people, become social again and start to blossom. Also, you have a high schooler. Your high schooler can get your young ones off to the busstop if need be.

7) on your job/career choices...and school....do not, under any circumstances limit yourself to the job/career, or program/training that is the easiest, cheapest or has the most flexible hours. it's time to stop sacrificing every single aspect of yourself for your children. They don't need you to do that....they need you to be a role model. They need you to show them strength and passion and goal attainment. So, don't sell yourself short go for the program you REALLY want....whatever it is...no matter how seemingly unattainable it may be....go after THAT one....do your research on it....so what if it takes 4 years to complete? You will still be around in 4 years won't you? Might as well be working on something great. And, if you need to stairstep your approach to that ideal program for you....then you do that. Work the plan piece by piece but do not discard it because it seems unattainable. You are only bound by your own perceptions.

 

[FlowerHair]

I wonder why he feels as if his actions didn't contribute to the downfall of your marriage...?

Either way, now you know. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

You're gonna have to sit down and write a plan and stick to it no matter what.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Hey everyone

Well I couldn't sleep. My hsuband was downstair on the couch watching tv. I came downstair and just asked him straight up what the deal is. What's happening...at first he didn't want to talk, he was avoiding me and just looking at the tv. I turned the tv off and basically told him that we have to talk this out.

I asked him if he was cheating and he said no. I asked him what is the issue and he said basically in a nutshell he is depressed, he's not happy in this relationship. He's not happy with me. He wants out. He says he takes his time to come home after work because he doesn't want to be here. I nag. I'm not independent. I don't drive. I don't work. I rely on him for everything and he is tired of it. He said I need to start figuring things out for myself. He said he isn't seeing someone, but feel like he may want to. He said if we split up and he finds someone else he will make sure they can drive and get themselves around. It hurt to hear all these things. We weren't fighting - I was just listening and let him have his say. It really hurt to hear these things from him. But I know it's all true. I am not an attractive person (I'm not talking physical here). I am not a "catch" so to speak. he mentioned the fact that my neighbour friends asked me to watch their kids before and after school (my friend is in college now) becasue they KNOW I'm here and am not doing anything with myself. I asked him if I got my licence and a job would things be different and he said he didn't know. He mentioned that he's thought many times about leaving the house and just paying the mortgage and him renting a room somewhere. I'm feeling so devestated right now, but am realizing now more than ever how i have contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. I apologized to him and basically that was that. He has gone to bed and I can't sleep.

eta: he also said that I don't have the school option because he isn't going to pay for that. I have to figure that out on my own. He says I don't have 2 years to go to school. Not even 1 month, he says. I wonder if he's going to re-neg on the driving school too.

I'm glad that you had a talk with him and at least you know where his head is, and I know you're hurting.

You have a lot on your plate and a lot to do--you've already gotten advice of what to do legally.

I don't know where you live, but when DH and I first got married, I didn't drive. I moved from a place where there was public transportation to a place with zero public transportation, and like you, I had to depend on DH to take me everywhere.

He never complained, but personally, after a year or so of that, I got tired of depending on him and told him I wanted to get my license. He helped me with the basic driving, and then he paid for me to go to a driving school. I was able to take the lessons, get a permit, and finally my license in a one month period. I was determined to not have to depend on him everytime I needed to go someone.

I know he appreciated this, because at the time he was working nights, and after I got my license, I could go to the grocery store or whatever I had to do, while he slept during the day.

You mentioned that your DH said it might help if you were to get your license. I sense that you're not giving up just yet, and that's great, especially if you two talk and can come up with something that you both agree upon.

I really wish you & your family the best

 

[tatiana]

Girl! You and me both believe he's doing something illegal! It seems to look that way within the last 24 hours. It kinda makes more sense then the cheating because he loves money. Especially how his dealer friend just showed up like that yesterday.

Do you still think this way even after the TALK?

Regardless of what is going on with him, your life is going to change. You need to be more independent in a very short period of time and you are going to need help. Your DH is pulling away rapidly and you can not depend on him for every little thing like you use to.

If I was you this is what I do:
1.If you have not done so already, apologized to your parents about going against their wishes.
2.Get in good with your peoples and ask for a loan to go to driving school so you can be more independent.
3. If they say yes, good and make sure you pay it back promptly. If they say no, KIM.
4. start charging people to look after their kids. Pet sit. Baby sit. Clean other people's houses. Find a job you do online and save up your money for driver's school.
5.Ask your husband if you can run a small day care center at of your home. Of course you need to learn the laws. If your husband says no, KIM
6.Read about money...Kilpringer, Dave Ramsey, and Suze Orman.
7.Build up your skills.
8. Save yet contribute to the household.
9. Once you get your license, save up for a cheap reliable car. It may be junky but if it takes you point A to point B it is all good.
9. Get a job with benefits preferably one that will pay for you to go to school.

Now once you get to this point, do not stop. Look into school. You would have changed by then your outlook, your self esteem, and even your marriage.

Things can and do change. Your DH may fall in love with the new independent you and may want to work things out.

I wish you good luck.

 

[fluffylocks]

Im glad that you two were able to have a conversation like that.

Over the years, what has been your thoughts about asking him to drive you places or for money or about not working sometimes? Did you ever feel like you were impeding on him, or did it just feel like the normal routine, or did you ever feel like you had it lucky/good? Had he ever had a conversation like the ones you guys just had and told you something like "One day you need to get your own drivers licence/you need to work on it, ect." ? Has it been one of those things for you were you had plans to get a licence, and one day a full time job, but other important things came before it or you didnt realize the importance of it in your husbands eyes? Was your mom the same as you?

Do you feel sad that a man/men dont like to completly care for you or women- meaning after you get your licence and a job/career, will it cause you to care less about a mans role in your life? If so will you feel like this is something you should have known already? Or will you plan to get those two things, and even though you wont need anyone to drive you or give you anything, will you eant a problem that has no problem with it?

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Hey everyone

Well I couldn't sleep. My hsuband was downstair on the couch watching tv. I came downstair and just asked him straight up what the deal is. What's happening...at first he didn't want to talk, he was avoiding me and just looking at the tv. I turned the tv off and basically told him that we have to talk this out.

I asked him if he was cheating and he said no. I asked him what is the issue and he said basically in a nutshell he is depressed, he's not happy in this relationship. He's not happy with me. He wants out. He says he takes his time to come home after work because he doesn't want to be here. I nag. I'm not independent. I don't drive. I don't work. I rely on him for everything and he is tired of it. He said I need to start figuring things out for myself. He said he isn't seeing someone, but feel like he may want to. He said if we split up and he finds someone else he will make sure they can drive and get themselves around. It hurt to hear all these things. We weren't fighting - I was just listening and let him have his say. It really hurt to hear these things from him. But I know it's all true. I am not an attractive person (I'm not talking physical here). I am not a "catch" so to speak. he mentioned the fact that my neighbour friends asked me to watch their kids before and after school (my friend is in college now) becasue they KNOW I'm here and am not doing anything with myself. I asked him if I got my licence and a job would things be different and he said he didn't know. He mentioned that he's thought many times about leaving the house and just paying the mortgage and him renting a room somewhere. I'm feeling so devestated right now, but am realizing now more than ever how i have contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. I apologized to him and basically that was that. He has gone to bed and I can't sleep.

eta: he also said that I don't have the school option because he isn't going to pay for that. I have to figure that out on my own. He says I don't have 2 years to go to school. Not even 1 month, he says. I wonder if he's going to re-neg on the driving school too.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont think that this is ALL your fault b/c its NOT.

 

[zenith]

OP what you need right now is MONEY!! Forget getting a car right now cause a car costs money to maintain. Insurance, repairs, gas. Trust me, without a job, a car is nothing but a big burden. Make notices that you do offer babysitting services, or can do cleaning services btwn 9-2pm. Post them in laundry marts, aprtments nearby, supermarkets.

The thing is, you have to show your husband that you are willing to chip in. Have him and the kids help you make the notices. Yes, he may roll his eyes at first, but if you come at him politely and genuinely, he may have a change of heart.

From now on, tell you neighbours to pay you to babysit, because, if it was a teenager doing it, they would pay them. Ask for $10-standard pay.

Look online for places where (closeby or 10min cab ride) that you can work library peharps? You can work evenings and take the kids their with you while they do their homework. Maybe look for an overnight group home job.

The thing is YOU WILL HAVE TO SACRIFICE ALOT to get what you want. A kick *** lawyer costs money (which you don't have and i dunno how much or how long your family would pay and retain such for you).
Even if you were to get divorced, i don't think you'd sit back and just wait for the checks to come in every month. You would still have to work.

Brainstorm with your hubby, in a nice polite tone and tell me that you are willing to start chipping in in a small way by babysitting and if he know people who are looking for someone. Show him you are willing to work together.

People are saying he is suppose to provide and he has been doing so, but the kids are not infants anymore so you staying home and him providing for another full able adult gets old-FAST! Esp when you are not showing initiative to work.
And OP i have to say going to school when money is tight is not a wise decision, it's an easy way out. First get a small job, even at the grocery store and when he sees your determination, God may change his heart and he will pay for you to go to school.

I don't think that your marriage is beyond repair, both of you are frustrated and annoyed with each other but i do think a job would really help patch things up for now.

All the best... so get a pen and paper and get to brainstorming. You can even ask the kids "what work should mommy get?" See what they think.

 

[MzLady78]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont think that this is ALL your fault b/c its NOT.

Thank you.

He could have discussed these things with the OP a long time ago, he chose to start acting like an *ss. I get that it might be draining always having to cart someone around but that's an easy fix. Instead of buying that damn motorcycle, he could have paid for the OP take driving lessons.

But regardless, now it's all out and the OP knows she needs to start putting a plan together.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I have not read this entire thread but just have to say - WOW!!!! I'm glad that you were able to take care of yourself and your kids through all of that. Having a great lawyer is key. That is why so many high profile lawyers are retained ASAP when there is talk of divorce in celeb circles. The person with the best lawyer wins.

The one thing that I can add from a friends divorce is to make sure your kids are covered for everything possible. My friend is around 70 now and was divorced many years ago. She had been married to a very wealthy man and he cheated (yes, with a White woman). She protected herself & kids for every possibility. Her youngest daughter decided recently that she wanted to go to grad school but she could not afford it. Well, mommy told her just give your dad a call. Turns out that not only did she get alimony, child support, medical & dental for the kids (braces too since dad had jacked up teeth), she also got an award for dad to pay for grad school if the kids decided to attend at any age!!

We don't know the divorce law in the province she is living in...but that is not necessarily the case in the US. I lived in Ohio. Was divorced and during the marriage was a SAHM approx. 65% of the marriage. There were periods when I worked for a state agency. I had benefits and all. Not only did the judge award me alimony...but he also ordered that my exH refinance the house and pay me a certain percentage for the equity I had paid inot the home when I was working because we were putting all of our salary into one "pot". (and this was a house he already owned before we married). So...the judge ordered 1 year of alimony for every 3 years of marriage. And, we only had two children.

For my divorce it came down to one thing....I had a damn good attorney who did an outstanding job at highlighting how much of a jerk my abusive husband had been during our marriage and how much of a jerk he was "financially" once I finally left him. The concensus in the courtroom was that this dude OWED ME money. There wasn't any cheating...but the financial, verbal and physical abuse was enough to convince the judge that regardless of whether I had worked a few years or not, this situation needed to be made right.

Now, it could have gone a totally different way had I not had a really good attorney. Oh, and the judge ordered that he pay my legal fees plus all outstanding medical bills for the children. But, it was that attorney who made the difference for me in my divorce.

OH! And, btw...I left him when I was a SAHM got a job immediately and worked for 2 years before I even filed for divorce. FULL TIME with benefits. That was not counted against me when the consideration of alimony came up. I will say that during the 2 year separation, exH tried two things a) to wait it out and withhold his hand financially to see if I would fold and come back...he was couting on me being weak. and b) begged me to come back and tried showering us with gifts from time to time....but where he messed up was, he didn't financially support the children for the most part during the entire separation and I could prove it. So, he had no mitigating circumstance to offset the damage done during the marriage.

I'm not even done reading this thread, but Shinyblackhair, I cannot stress enough how VITAL a good attorney is going to be to you. A good attorney will be invaluable. Do not SLEEP on this detail. Even if you do not know what you are going to do...you still need to be shopping attys. And, you need to be looking at getting the initial retainer and filing fee socked away so you are ready if you need to hire. The subsequent court costs and charges will be thrown in his lap and he will be ordered to pay them. But that initial retainer you need to pull together asap.

I know a dude whose wife put him through law school. One year after he passed the bar, he started cheating and had an outside baby. Next thing you know he's moved out and files. He convinced her that he only wants the best for their FOUR children regardless and that he would take care of the divorce paperwork as long as they could agree on all the terms it would be easier....well, she didn't hire her own atty and went the "mediation" non-contested route....she didn't get a DIME and he left her with bills and he arragned shared custody of the four kids so that he wouldn't have to pay child support.

Whoever said divorce is war is right. It is NOT a time to do the "teamwork" thing. If the teamwork thing was working, y'all wouldn't be in this situation now. The trust is gone. Time to fight.

 

[shinyblackhair]

Thanks for the continued support. I'm researching lawyers and firms right now online. I will stat calling around tomorrow. I've gleaned a lot of info so far pertaining to Canadian Family Law and the Divorce Act, Separations and etc.

Please pray for me, if you can that I have the strength to do this. I need God to step in and do a serious miracle right now. My husband 's frame of mind is not towards my well-being. I just need the strength to not dwell so much on him, and focus on setting things up for myself and my four children. I'm most anxious about how they would react to a separation.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

But regardless, now it's all out and the OP knows she needs to start putting a plan together.

I agree

Not sure if I'm correct, but I sense that the OP is trying at one last effort to try to make her marriage work. If that is the case, that's fine, but she has to realize that from this point onward she's got to start making changes in her life and like you mentioned, put a plan together, so that if a few years down the line things hit the fan for the worse, then she doesn't feel destitute.

I've seen worse situations than hers work out for the better. I hoping this ends for the better for OP.

 

[shinyblackhair]

Do you still think this way even after the TALK?

Regardless of what is going on with him, your life is going to change. You need to be more independent in a very short period of time and you are going to need help. Your DH is pulling away rapidly and you can not depend on him for every little thing like you use to.

If I was you this is what I do:
1.If you have not done so already, apologized to your parents about going against their wishes.
2.Get in good with your peoples and ask for a loan to go to driving school so you can be more independent.
3. If they say yes, good and make sure you pay it back promptly. If they say no, KIM.
4. start charging people to look after their kids. Pet sit. Baby sit. Clean other people's houses. Find a job you do online and save up your money for driver's school.
5.Ask your husband if you can run a small day care center at of your home. Of course you need to learn the laws. If your husband says no, KIM
6.Read about money...Kilpringer, Dave Ramsey, and Suze Orman.
7.Build up your skills.
8. Save yet contribute to the household.
9. Once you get your license, save up for a cheap reliable car. It may be junky but if it takes you point A to point B it is all good.
9. Get a job with benefits preferably one that will pay for you to go to school.

Now once you get to this point, do not stop. Look into school. You would have changed by then your outlook, your self esteem, and even your marriage.

Things can and do change. Your DH may fall in love with the new independent you and may want to work things out.

I wish you good luck.

I really don't know what to think about the drug thing either anymore. He says he just spends time outside the home because he doesn't want to be in the home anymore. He just wants to get away and escape ME.

I am trying really hard to plan everything out step by step...I have 0 dollars right now so I don't know what I can do besides get a job.

Im glad that you two were able to have a conversation like that.

Over the years, what has been your thoughts about asking him to drive you places or for money or about not working sometimes? Did you ever feel like you were impeding on him, or did it just feel like the normal routine, or did you ever feel like you had it lucky/good? Had he ever had a conversation like the ones you guys just had and told you something like "One day you need to get your own drivers licence/you need to work on it, ect." ? Has it been one of those things for you were you had plans to get a licence, and one day a full time job, but other important things came before it or you didnt realize the importance of it in your husbands eyes? Was your mom the same as you?

Do you feel sad that a man/men dont like to completly care for you or women- meaning after you get your licence and a job/career, will it cause you to care less about a mans role in your life? If so will you feel like this is something you should have known already? Or will you plan to get those two things, and even though you wont need anyone to drive you or give you anything, will you eant a problem that has no problem with it?

Well, I have been "working" on my licence for years now. I keep writing the test for the permit and then it expires. He has an excuse for me not being able to take driving course all the time. He says you don't want to drive but, I do. I have issues with being confident behind the wheel and he tends to make me feel like a fool and nervous wreck when I'm driving with him. Lets just say teaching is not his forte, so I'd rather take a course with a real instructor.

As far as me being a financial drain on my husband, I understand where he's coming from on that but he gives very mixed messages on the over the years...at times he's glad that I'm here and will say how he's so glad he's not a woman. There've been times when I'm on a temp assignment he'll say how he misses having me here. But then when he's stressed, depressed and disatisfied he says I need to get a job.

After I finally do obtain a job and my licence I will still have the pain of all the mental abuse along the way. That stuff hurts and his words play over and over again in my head.

OP what you need right now is MONEY!! Forget getting a car right now cause a car costs money to maintain. Insurance, repairs, gas. Trust me, without a job, a car is nothing but a big burden. Make notices that you do offer babysitting services, or can do cleaning services btwn 9-2pm. Post them in laundry marts, aprtments nearby, supermarkets.

The thing is, you have to show your husband that you are willing to chip in. Have him and the kids help you make the notices. Yes, he may roll his eyes at first, but if you come at him politely and genuinely, he may have a change of heart.

From now on, tell you neighbours to pay you to babysit, because, if it was a teenager doing it, they would pay them. Ask for $10-standard pay.

Look online for places where (closeby or 10min cab ride) that you can work library peharps? You can work evenings and take the kids their with you while they do their homework. Maybe look for an overnight group home job.

The thing is YOU WILL HAVE TO SACRIFICE ALOT to get what you want. A kick *** lawyer costs money (which you don't have and i dunno how much or how long your family would pay and retain such for you).
Even if you were to get divorced, i don't think you'd sit back and just wait for the checks to come in every month. You would still have to work.

Brainstorm with your hubby, in a nice polite tone and tell me that you are willing to start chipping in in a small way by babysitting and if he know people who are looking for someone. Show him you are willing to work together.

People are saying he is suppose to provide and he has been doing so, but the kids are not infants anymore so you staying home and him providing for another full able adult gets old-FAST! Esp when you are not showing initiative to work.
And OP i have to say going to school when money is tight is not a wise decision, it's an easy way out. First get a small job, even at the grocery store and when he sees your determination, God may change his heart and he will pay for you to go to school.

I don't think that your marriage is beyond repair, both of you are frustrated and annoyed with each other but i do think a job would really help patch things up for now.

All the best... so get a pen and paper and get to brainstorming. You can even ask the kids "what work should mommy get?" See what they think.

I'm going to get my licence but, I won't have a vehicle anyway for now...School is not in the cards anymore for right now...I have to get a job. I've been applying to some executive assistant jobs last night and this morning. I prayed to God that I would get a call...

I'm not counting on the marriage being repaired. He said he was unsure of whether he would want to be with me even if I became more independent. I feel so hurt by him...he said he wanted to find someone else and that his feelings for me have changed. I want someone who wants me back.

 

[MzLady78]

I agree

Not sure if I'm correct, but I sense that the OP is trying at one last effort to try to make her marriage work. If that is the case, that's fine, but she has to realize that from this point onward she's got to start making changes in her life and like you mentioned, put a plan together, so that if a few years down the line things hit the fan for the worse, then she doesn't feel destitute.

I've seen worse situations than hers work out for the better. I hoping this ends for the better for OP.

I got that impression too, but it doesn't seem like he does. I think him leaving is inevitable.

It's too bad because I really think it could be worked out, but of course, both parties have to be willing to put in the effort.

 

[RossBoss]

Thanks everyone...

Part of me is totally feeling sorry for myself and feeling very resentful. I know he sees me as someone with no ambition, no goals...I'm almost starting to believe it. I have to get myself together and throw away my dreams be realistic. I can't imagine being a single mother of 4, but I'm a mother of 4 and I may be single whether I like it or not. I can't believe this is the same man I married. I guess he's not the same man, as I know there is a big difference between 20 and 35. A lot happens in those years. It will be our 15th anniversary in a month and we have no plans to do anything special. Man...

Marrying a man so he won't get deported is just never a good idea. You helped him to become a citizen in a country that gave him so many opportunities and the good lifestyle that he is enjoying today and years later this is the "thanks" that you get, Terry McMillan anyone? *sigh*. What country is he from? Right about now, if you are able to confirm that he has a sidepiece, I would try to get him deported back to whatever slum he came from, but I am just vindictive like that when someone tries to doublecross me.

 

[MzLady78]

^^^ I believe she said he was Jamaican.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

OP I hope you don't internalize your husbands words. if he had a problem with you not being independent, he's had 15 years to let you know. it seems like he is just using this as he has done throughout your marriage, as a way to hurt your feelings and make you feel worthless. when you worked he complained, and he found excuses to keep you from taking the driving course. I think he likes having you dependent on him so that he can continue to use that fact to wear away at your self-confidence. Don't let him keep doing this to you.

 

[Skyfall]

Marrying a man so he won't get deported is just never a good idea. You helped him to become a citizen in a country that gave him so many opportunities and the good lifestyle that he is enjoying today and years later this is the "thanks" that you get, Terry McMillan anyone? *sigh*. What country is he from? Right about now, if you are able to confirm that he has a sidepiece, I would try to get him deported back to whatever slum he came from, but I am just vindictive like that when someone tries to doublecross me.

She should get the father of her children deported??
He may have been a lousy husband, but I haven't seen anything where she said he was a lousy father..

Anyways, I think this marriage can be saved if both of you are willing, however put that thought on the backburner and focus on getting yourself together, if a car isn't in the cards right now then why get a licence? he's planning on moving out so there wont be a car to drive am I right? See if he would be willing to buy a used car for you, so you can get around with the children, a taxi just doesn't seem feasible, or if you have a friends that can take turns taking you to work until you've saved up enough to buy a car.

 

[Dak]

Shinyblackhair, you've had some really good advice here. I haven't seen you say it, but at this point, do you want a divorce? What do you want?

 

[shinyblackhair]

Shinyblackhair, you've had some really good advice here. I haven't seen you say it, but at this point, do you want a divorce? What do you want?

I don't want a divorce. I want the marriage to work. However, it takes two to make a marriage work. I can and will do the things he wants me to do. I'm going to do it for me and my kids though. If he wants to be with me after I've gotten myself together (which he says he's unsure if he will even if I make the changes) than we can work on that. I am not going to depend on that however, I am going to build up my own life so that if he does really leave than I won't be totally at a loss.

 

[MzLady78]

I don't want a divorce. I want the marriage to work. However, it takes two to make a marriage work. I can and will do the things he wants me to do. I'm going to do it for me and my kids though. If he wants to be with me after I've gotten myself together (which he says he's unsure if he will even if I make the changes) than we can work on that. I am not going to depend on that however, I am going to build up my own life so that if he does really leave than I won't be totally at a loss.

I think this is a good way to look at the situation. You'll be fine, I'm sure of it.

 

[Dak]

I don't want a divorce. I want the marriage to work. However, it takes two to make a marriage work. I can and will do the things he wants me to do. I'm going to do it for me and my kids though. If he wants to be with me after I've gotten myself together (which he says he's unsure if he will even if I make the changes) than we can work on that. I am not going to depend on that however, I am going to build up my own life so that if he does really leave than I won't be totally at a loss.

I understand. I would still encourage you to talk to an attorney to learn the best way to get what you want and not get screwed if things don't turn out the way you want them to. Your husband sounds very suspicious to me, while the heart to heart you had yesterday may be true, I suspect there are things he's leaving out. You mentioned that he shaved himself because of the motorcycle. IDK.

I encourage you to keep working on yourself now, you've probably been in "mom" mode and are more in the space of doing for your family. Is there a friend or family member (other than your DH) that can help you with learning to drive? Once you take a course, you still need behind the wheel experience hours. Create a goal, maybe to have your license by "such and such a date".

And since you do want things to work out with your husband, I'd really recommend this book, a friend of mine that is a marriage and family counselor really says it has helped many of her clients: http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marri...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1284309420&sr=1-1

 

[RossBoss]

She should get the father of her children deported??
He may have been a lousy husband, but I haven't seen anything where she said he was a lousy father..

Anyways, I think this marriage can be saved if both of you are willing, however put that thought on the backburner and focus on getting yourself together, if a car isn't in the cards right now then why get a licence? he's planning on moving out so there wont be a car to drive am I right? See if he would be willing to buy a used car for you, so you can get around with the children, a taxi just doesn't seem feasible, or if you have a friends that can take turns taking you to work until you've saved up enough to buy a car.

When I wrote that, I had not finished reading the thread. I have just now finished it and see that there is more twists and turns than what was on the first page.

 

[zenith]

Marrying a man so he won't get deported is just never a good idea. You helped him to become a citizen in a country that gave him so many opportunities and the good lifestyle that he is enjoying today and years later this is the "thanks" that you get, Terry McMillan anyone? *sigh*. What country is he from? Right about now, if you are able to confirm that he has a sidepiece, I would try to get him deported back to whatever slum he came from, but I am just vindictive like that when someone tries to doublecross me.

THIS!!!

That's not thinking logically.
Does getting him deported:
1) get her a job that she needs?
2) give her money to go to school and pay the mortgage?

She gets him deported and then is left with no financial support at all not only for herself but for her kids.


OP, deporting your hubby should be the LAST thing on your mind. FOCUS, FOCUS FOCUS, on getting yourself a job. Please!!

 

[MissJ]

Hey everyone

Well I couldn't sleep. My hsuband was downstair on the couch watching tv. I came downstair and just asked him straight up what the deal is. What's happening...at first he didn't want to talk, he was avoiding me and just looking at the tv. I turned the tv off and basically told him that we have to talk this out.

I asked him if he was cheating and he said no. I asked him what is the issue and he said basically in a nutshell he is depressed, he's not happy in this relationship. He's not happy with me. He wants out. He says he takes his time to come home after work because he doesn't want to be here. I nag. I'm not independent. I don't drive. I don't work. I rely on him for everything and he is tired of it. He said I need to start figuring things out for myself. He said he isn't seeing someone, but feel like he may want to. He said if we split up and he finds someone else he will make sure they can drive and get themselves around. It hurt to hear all these things. We weren't fighting - I was just listening and let him have his say. It really hurt to hear these things from him. But I know it's all true. I am not an attractive person (I'm not talking physical here). I am not a "catch" so to speak. he mentioned the fact that my neighbour friends asked me to watch their kids before and after school (my friend is in college now) becasue they KNOW I'm here and am not doing anything with myself. I asked him if I got my licence and a job would things be different and he said he didn't know. He mentioned that he's thought many times about leaving the house and just paying the mortgage and him renting a room somewhere. I'm feeling so devestated right now, but am realizing now more than ever how i have contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. I apologized to him and basically that was that. He has gone to bed and I can't sleep.

eta: he also said that I don't have the school option because he isn't going to pay for that. I have to figure that out on my own. He says I don't have 2 years to go to school. Not even 1 month, he says. I wonder if he's going to re-neg on the driving school too.

Trust and believe he is cheating. Of course he's not going to admit it. After 15 years of marriage, he has this big of a problem with you. Doesn't make sense.

And the shaving the public hair was not for his mortorcycle riding. It's for the other woman. Men don't leave unless they have someone else lined up to take your place.

 

[My_T_Afrodite]

Hi Shinyblackhair,

I just want to let you know that your story inspired me. As a young women who has spent so much of my life trying to be successful (going to great schools and achieving my dreams of being a lawyer), I will say that your story highlights a different kind of success but success nonetheless. From reading your posts it seems as though you had a goal and that goal was the well-being of your family. To that end, you sacrificed your own dreams of going to school to raise your children in the best environment you knew how, all the while, trying to please a difficult and selfish husband by working when he thought the family needed you to work and staying at home when he complained too much.

You were able to do all of this while still doing all that you could to be REALLY present in your children's lives. You should not be ashamed of that. I have worked with incredibly successful women who have sacrificed the well-being of their children in the attainment of their dreams. Some of these kids have gone on to abuse drugs, serve time in prison or both. Do not let ANYONE convince you that what you did, dedicating your time to raise your children without the help of strangers, makes you a loser without ambition. You just happened to have a different ambition than those folks. That is okay.

I think you have been given some extremely good advice by certain members of this board. Please try and follow it. I just wanted to try to add or synthesize, in a coherent post, what has already been suggested.

1. Begin your search for a lawyer ASAP. Don't worry about a retainer because you will only have to pay that once you have decided which lawyer to select. When the time comes to pay that retainer, borrow money if you must. Start your search for an attorney by asking anyone you know who has been through a divorce for recommendations. Also get recommendations from attorneys, if you know any. Make sure you go to each lawyer with a list of questions and keep track of their answers. By doing this, it will make it easier for you to compare the lawyers. Here are some links to get you started thinking about this process (http://www.dealwithdivorce.com/steps-planning/questions-to-ask-divorce-lawyer/12/), (http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/hiringtherightattorney/tp/rightattorney.htm), (http://www.divorcenet.com/states/california/top_10_questions_to_ask_a_prospective_divorce_attorney). I cannot overstate the importance of having an excellent and assertive attorney.

2. Learn how to drive a car. Learning how to drive a car with a professional driving school would be ideal, but you should also consider asking friends and family members who are patient and have cars to teach you. Doing so could mean getting your license much sooner than you anticipated and will cost you little to no money.

3. Get a job. I completely agree with another poster, if you are babysitting, pet sitting or doing anything of that nature, you should start charging folks. Also, try to find a job with pretty consistent hours (like admin work) so you can keep your kids on a pretty stable schedule. This will also be helpful to you when you start school, as you can set your school schedule around your work schedule. I don't know about Canada, but in the US there are several companies that will pay the college tuition of their employees. Try to see if there are any Canadian companies that do that, and try to get a job with them.

4. Go back to school. OP you may not feel that way right now given all you have been through and still must go through in the coming months, but you are still young with plenty of work years ahead of you. I agree with the poster who said that you should think big when it comes to going to school. Don't pick the easiest program or the most flexible. Pick a program based on your interests and that program's earning potential. In the short term, it may be very difficult but the future payoff will make it more than worth it. That future payoff could be in the form of your children having a mother who they look up to, you having much more self-esteem by accomplishing another difficult goal you set for yourself, commanding a much larger salary, proving your ex wrong or all of the above. I am a product of divorced parents (I was very young when it happened) but the fact that my mom was able to raise a lot of kids on her own (more than you have now) made me believe that I could do ANYTHING that I set my mind to. I am pretty confident your kids would feel the same way about you.

5. Get some counseling. It seems that you are in an abusive relationship and as a result your self-esteem has suffered. At some point you should see a specialist to address some of these issues so that (1) you will not end up in another abusive relationship, (2) you can help your children if they have suffered any trauma and (3) you can work on the self-esteem issues that have resulted.

Did you make mistakes in your marriage? Of course, everyone makes mistakes PERIOD. This is not the time to reflect on those mistakes as you have a lot to accomplish on a very short timeline (once you are in a more stable situation, you can but that won't be anytime in the near future). You did not deserve your husband's treatment and you are so much more powerful and wonderful than you can ever imagine. Focus on yourself and correcting your path. Keep yourself in prayer and ask the Lord for help. I will be keeping you in prayer.

 

[RossBoss]

Your husband sounds very suspicious to me, while the heart to heart you had yesterday may be true, I suspect there are things he's leaving out. You mentioned that he shaved himself because of the motorcycle. IDK.

This is exactly what I keep coming back to.His sudden infatuation with BJs, shaving his pubic hair, taking the cell phone with him to the bathroom, changing his status on FB to "single", taking out a loan for a motorcycle instead of furthering her education, him not wanting to get HIS Canadian GED, and now admitting that he does not want to be around her.....

*whew*

But I understand with 4 kids and no money, it is hard to get up and leave, but I would be at my momma's house now, especially since she extended the invitation. Momma or Grandma can watch the kids while I get myself together.

Good Luck on whatever you decide to do OP.